Closure?

We Chris finally heard from M today. 

Apparently the court granted full custody of both the baby and their daughter to the father.  M says she had no idea that was even a possibility.  She also said that she was going to an "inpatient facility"

I'm sure we weren't told the whole story.  I don't think we will ever know the whole story.  Or even a tiny part of it.

I'm angry, really angry for the first time in all of this.  I'm angry that M manipulated us again.  I'm angry that I let myself get involved again.  I'm angry that the welfare of those children may be in jeopardy.  I'm angry that someone like M was able to get pregnant twice in less than 2 years. 

I said it.  It's not fair that she can get pregnant and I can't.

Even now, it all boils down to the damn infertility crap, doesn't it?

I'm a mom. I've been given an incredible gift by an amazing woman full of grace and wisdom who has never asked for a single thing from Chris and I.  She always shares her gratitude towards us in our monthly emails even though I will always feel that there aren't enough words for me to thank her for the opportunity to share our lives with Quinn.  I can't begin to express how polar opposite my feelings and respect is for these two women.  I love every single minute of being a mom, even the really tough parts, because it's a title I fought long and hard for.  I am a mom.

I am still infertile.  I will always be infertile.  I am bitter about being infertile, especially when there are women like M who throw away the chance to be a mother and take advantage of those of us who would give anything to be a mom.

And in the end, an amazing woman who has never met Chris or I gave us the gift of being parents.  We get to spend the rest of our lives with this amazing little soul who is so bright and full of so much joy.  And because of that, I have to find the way to lose the anger and find some real closure on the entire M situation. 

Especially with a face like this looking at me....

M

Over labor day weekend, Chris and I came to the realization that we are really feeling "complete" as a family of three.  I always imagined we'd have more than one child, but I never imagined that we'd take more than a decade to finally become parents.  We aren't closing any doors, but as we looked at our little family, we can imagine a future with our little man as an only child.  For the first time in a very long time, I felt a sense of peace.

I should have known. 

Chris got a text from M on Sunday before Labor day from a new number we hadn't seen before.  This is the first contact we've had from her in a very long time.  The text said that things weren't going well with the baby's father and that she wondered if we would still be interested in adopting the baby.  It was clear she was in crisis, and we decided not to respond to the text.  She sent a second text a few hours later apologizing for everything she "did to us" (her words) and that she isn't looking for any money, she just wants to move forward with her original adoption plan.  We had some serious conversation about whether this was even something we were willing to consider.  We have Quinn's best interests to think about first, and inviting M back into our lives might not be what is best for our family.  In the end, Chris replied to her text on Labor Day Monday and told her that we were sorry that things weren't going well and if she was really serious about moving forward she needed to contact our attorney.  We really didn't think we'd hear from her again.

But we did.

She called our attorney last Tuesday and said she was serious about moving forward.  However, there's so much more to the story than she shared with us.  DCFS is involved, and she has lost custody of the baby and her older daughter.  She told our attorney that the father had them both, but was not willing to parent.  She shared that she had a court date on Monday (yesterday) and that the father was going to say that he would sign his rights away.  She had some other ideas about how she thought things would go down, and at one point asked our attorney if we would consider fostering her daughter as well as adopting the baby.  After several calls back and forth, M told our attorney that she wanted to move forward with the adoption, but she wasn't sure if the father would sign paperwork allowing things to move forward.  She told our attorney she would call after her DCFS court date.  Chris texted M and asked if we could attend the court hearing with her.  She told him no, that she was worried how the father might react.  She assured us that she would call our attorney after her court date.

We haven't heard a word.

I am angry.  I am angry that I let her turn our lives upside down, even if for only a few days this time.  As much as we tried to protect our hearts, we started to make plans for this baby once again in our lives.  It was going to be hard- the baby is 5 months old, and Quinn is almost 7 months.  Given the DCFS involvement, we know that his first 5 months of life haven't been in an ideal environment.  My heart is breaking again and it feels like losing this baby again.  I know that the father has a big part in all of this.  I wish he would provide the necessary support for his children if he is going to refuse to allow an adoption.  I am angry that M can't even contact us to let us know what is going on. We can't keep getting sucked into the drama and turmoil that is her life. 

We need closure.

We will ask her to cease all contact with us.  While my heart will always hold a special place for this little baby and I will always hope that he will be cared for, I can't keep holding on.  We have our precious son who was placed in our arms by his amazing birthmother.  She represents everything that is right and good about adoption.  She makes me cry tears of joy each month as she responds to our monthly update about Quinn.  We are forever grateful to her for entrusting his little soul to us. 

Hoping to find that sense of peace once again.  It sure was short lived....

Thoughts on my first Mother's Day

I really didn't want to be that blogger who stopped posting often once she became a mom.  I think about posts, and I have so much to process here in writing.  Yet, finding the time to write is just hard.  The reality is that I am still transitioning into motherhood.  I am madly in love with Quinn, and there aren't words to express how amazing it is to finally have our little miracle in our arms.  But there's still a part of me that still can't believe that we are finally parents.

Mother's Day is Sunday. For the past decade, my heart has ached in the weeks leading up to it.  I've turned off commercials, avoided stores, and haven't attended a Mother's Day celebration.  Chris has made a point to have something for us to do on the actual day- often involving our motorcycle.  A few years ago we took the photos for our adoption profile. 

I really don't know how to feel this year.  On one hand I am excited about the prospect of celebrating my first Mother's Day.  Honestly, I don't know how to behave like a mother on Mother's Day.   There will always be a part of me that aches on Mother's Day.  This year my heart is heavy with the weight of knowing that my joy comes from the choice Quinn's birthmother made.  I wonder how she will feel on Mother's Day.  I wish we had the open relationship where I could acknowledge her somehow. 

And somehow I don't feel any more "worthy" of being celebrated this year than any year before.  I'm the one who should honor those who have given me the gift of motherhood.  I will forever see the title of mother as a gift that has been given to me- not a title that means I am "owed" a celebration.  I know that the part of me that has resented Mother's Day for all these years is impacting my reactions.

Please don't get me wrong, I am so incredibly thankful that I have finally earned the title of mother.  I am thrilled that I will get to spend Sunday with my sweet boy and my amazing husband.  There's just a little part of me that will take pause. 

Moving Forward as a Family of THREE

We learned yesterday that M's baby was born sometime last week.

In my heart, I already knew.

We are angry.

We are heartbroken.

We are concerned for the welfare of the children involved.

We always knew this was a possibility, and had come to accept that it was a probability in the past few weeks.  We respect the right of expectant parents to change their minds.

We don't respect lying.

We don't respect deceit.

We don't respect greed.

At some point I will write it all out, but for now, I'll just leave it at this.  She had the baby, but lied to us all week about still being pregnant.  We don't really know where the baby is right now.  She has told the agency that the baby is in the NICU, but won't sign a release for the agency to confirm.  We don't know if she is choosing to parent, has placed with another family, or if the baby is in fact ill and in the NICU.  The only reason we learned anything was because she called the agency looking for money.  When they said they needed medical releases and to see her in person, the truth came out.

With all that said, we know that we have been BLESSED with an amazing gift of our son Quinn.  His birthmother is an amazing, unselfish, intelligent woman who chose to place with us for all the reasons that make sense for Quinn.  She put Quinn's needs first.  And that's just what we are going to do.  We're going to move forward with out little family of three.  We're going to live each day to the fullest and do everything we can to fulfill the hopes and dreams Quinn's birthmother has for him. 


We are strong.

We are blessed.

We are a family.

Weighing on my heart

I still need to write out Quinn's adoption story and hope to do that in the next few days.  I don't want to lose any of the details.  I find myself so driven to try to capture as much as I can for Quinn.  I want to make sure I can preserve his first moments of life with the amazing woman who gave birth to him.  We've never met, and I don't know if we ever will. She has communicated with us via an anonymous email account.  She did meet with our attorney and agency, and I have tiny snippets from them that I need to commit to paper before they are gone.  She is an intelligent, compassionate, brave woman who I will forever be grateful to.  And she has told us how grateful she is to us.  The weight of it all on my heart is heavy and I don't know if I will ever be able to truly process it all.  I find myself hesitant to call her Quinn's birthmom.  That just doesn't seem adequate.  We've already been talking to him about her, and I am just not sure what we will end up calling her.  We don't know her name (but our agency and attorney do- she has asked to remain anonymous to us)

I've been waiting for the tears to fall- and they seem to finally be coming today.  They are tears of joy, and relief, and love, and admiration, and loss, and gratitude, and so much more.  I think I was in shock for the first several days- literally.  I think I might need to have a few conversations with people at work again as I don't really have much recollection of them.  As I held Quinn during one of our late night feedings last night, it really started to sink in that he's ours.  We've been entrusted by his mom to raise him to be the man she hopes he'll become.  That weighs even heavier on my heart than the concept of providing for him.

For those of you that have followed our story, M was ecstatic when we told her about Quinn. Her reaction blew us away.  She is excited about the idea of her son growing up with a brother so close in age.  So for now, we are making plans to care for... two newborns!  She is feeling good, and her OB feels she may deliver close to 36 weeks... which is in two weeks!  I have an entire post all together about my emotions about raising two boys.  I'm torn between thrilled and feeling overwhelmed. 

When we took Quinn for his first pediatrician appointment, she asked if we had a support network.  We literally laughed out loud.  We are so blessed with a literal army of people who are excited to be a part of Quinn's life.  We've heard so many kind words of congratulations from those we know and love and those who have been touched by our story. 

For those of you who may be reading this who are deep in the trenches, I want you to know that I get it.  I spent 13 years in those trenches.  It still stings, but I can say now without a doubt- it was worth it.  I hate that we had to have so much hurt and loss before we could hold our son.  And there will be a part of me that will always carry that hurt in my heart.  I am hoping that the love for this little man will fill in the spaces of my heart and lessen the hurt.

Loss and Peace- one year later

As I drove home in the first real blizzard of the year, I realized that one year ago we said goodbye to yet another miracle not meant to be.  It's been a year since my D&C.  It took me all day to realize, and I suppose that means that I am in a good place right now.  We're starting to heal and we have the hope that our tiny miracle will finally be in our arms.... very soon.  But for a moment, my breath caught in my throat as I remembered.  I remembered about the pain of that loss, and how heavy it felt in my heart.  The pain came to the surface for a moment and felt so real and raw again.  And then it simmered down into a dull ache, and eventually was tucked back into my soul.

Today I feel like I can see the light, but I also carry the burden on those many dark days.  We're close to our rainbow- our happy ever after.  I have a crib set up in my house for goodness sakes... we're so close we can almost feel it.  But it's moments like the one I had today that remind me where we came from and cause me to hold my breath just a little.  I am going to be brutally honest here (not like that's something new...) and say that I really don't know what will happen if for some reason we don't end up with our little miracle from M.  I don't know that we will be able to handle the heartbreak again.  I don't know that our hearts and souls and bodies can withstand another loss.  I've hesitated to put this in writing in fear of jinxing it, but I feel that I need to.  I need to write it out. 

I am freaking terrified.  I don't know that I am strong enough to handle more loss.

And yet I feel a sense of peace that I haven't felt in years.

Hoping that peace wins out this time. 

another childless Thanksgiving

I know... quite the dramatic title.  Forgive me. 

Yesterday was tough.  Tougher than I expected.  Tougher than it's been in many years.

We started the way we always do with the local Turkey Trot 5k.  Ok, Chris and our friends ran along with several of the kids from our swim team while I watched and took photos.  :)  I really need to get back into running but that's another post all together.  After my runners all passed, I stood there watching all of the young families cross the start line and it almost broke my heart.  Seeing the running strollers, the toddlers wobbly little walks, the parents cheering on their little ones, it was almost more than I could take.  It's really two-fold.  First, there's the obvious pain that we aren't there yet and if we hadn't had miscarriage #3, we could have been pushing one of those strollers.  Second, there is the marking of time.  I know I've written about this before.  The passage of yet another holiday makes my empty arms ache.  This is the 13th Thanksgiving since we started trying to have a child.  And now that Thanksgiving is over... Christmas is right around the corner.  After Christmas is the end of 2012, which means that our dreams didn't come true in 2012.  I know that the fact that the adoption lead fell apart this week is also weighing heavy on my heart.

After our post-race breakfast, I tried to share my feelings with Chris.  Just as I always do, I kept the happy face on through the race, cheering on the kids and watching Chris encourage and support each of the kids as they crossed the finish line.  On the car ride home, I started to unravel.  Chris is the eternal optimist, and just can't go with me down the sadness road.  He never has been able to, and I know that I owe his strength so much over the past several years.  It also frustrates me beyond belief.  He reminded me that we've "only" been at this for a little over a year, and it takes time.  Really?  Why can't we just catch a break?  Now, he's had his moments of anger and despair, but he really can't handle when I get into my funk. 

And that's just what I was in yesterday... a huge funk.  I was angry most of the morning and struggled to cook my first ever Turkey.  This type A girl can't handle not knowing how to do things, and the challenge of cooking the turkey was almost more than I could handle.  There was some yelling and crying, but in the end, the turkey was perfect. 

In the years since we decided to walk away from my family, we usually spend Thanksgiving with a close friends and their extended family.  This year they were also celebrating the first birthday of their great nephew in conjunction with Thanksgiving.  Invitations were sent out for the birthday party, and we weren't included.  We were of course more than welcome to come, and in fact our friends gave us a hard time about not coming.  However, we decided that we'd have a small Thanksgiving here at our house along with our other very close friend.  We made this decision before the adoption lead fell apart, but after that happened, it felt like the right choice to have a childless Thanksgiving here at home.  It was the right choice, and it was nice to just spend the day here at home with our close friend and her teenage daughter and her boyfriend.

Today we will go to celebrate our annual friend's Black Friday Thanksgiving.  And it will be far from childfree.  In fact, one of our friends commented that the kids will outnumber the adults for the first time this year.  These are all of our friends from high school, and this is one of the only times we see them.  Our lives have just done in different directions- mostly because we don't have children and all of them do.  They've been so very supportive of us and have tried to help us in any way they can.  But that can't take away that we will be the ONLY ones there without children.  We agreed to go back when we thought things were possible with M.  Now that has fallen apart, and it is going to be a tough road today.  My saving grace?  The fact that there will be a great deal of wine consumed and I've already called "drinking" so Chris has to be the DD.  :)    Please send some positive thoughts my way this afternoon as we navigate yet another tradition as the childless couple. 

as expected...

I spoke to our attorney at length today and was once again reminded why we chose to work with her.  She has high ethics and also doesn't sugar coat things.  I am thankful that she is working on our behalf.

The social worker that met with M went over her expenses she listed, but in no way agreed that they were allowable under the law.  She shared with our attorney that she also felt that they were well beyond what is "appropriate" while they are in all intense purposes legal under IL law.  She had many of the same impressions we had about M and the fact that things don't seem to add up with everything she says.

We shared with our attorney what we were comfortable both financially and ethically covering.  She shared that with the social worker who then called M.  As expected, M did not accept the level of support we are willing to provide.  In fact, she told the social worker that she has been in contact with another attorney and will be presenting her expenses to him/her and that she has another couple in mind.  She told the social worker that she was going to take a week to think about it and then get back to her.  Honestly, I am not sure what we will do if she comes back and wants to work with us.

We are heartbroken, of course.  But more than that, I am angry.  I feel used and manipulated and so disillusioned with the entire process.  My old IF wounds have been ripped open again as I am left wondering why someone like M is able to easily conceive while so many of us aren't so lucky.  I am left reeling and trying to decide how much longer we can do this.  At what point is it time to recognize that the universe doesn't intend us to be parents?  I feel like each step of our journey has left us more scarred and broken and I worry if I will ever be whole enough to be the mom a child deserves?

Chris has started talking about surrogacy again and I just can't even imagine going back into treatment right now.  We've got just under a year left on our retainer with our attorney.  We have our resources invested in adoption right now and I don't feel like we should jump ship just yet.  However, I just don't know how I can put myself out there again.  I don't understand why it seems that everyone else is being picked, and we simply are the last ones standing... AGAIN. 

Seriously, what did I do to piss off the universe this much? 

Remembering Wilson- 5 years Later

It's been five years since this we said goodbye to a coworker, teacher, coach, and most of all friend.  She's been on my mind lately, and I can't believe that it's been five years since I last saw her face and heard hear laughter.  Laurie was an amazing spirit and soul, who touched so many young lives and those who were fortunate to be her friends and coworkers. 

She was my cheerleader (she'd hate that I called her that) and confidant.  She taught me about understanding and openness.  She taught me to laugh at myself and to not take myself too seriously.  She'd be really unhappy to see the state of our school and the way that our staff is treating each other.  She'd have plenty to say about all the mandates and new initiatives in place.

I'd like to think she'd be thrilled for our colleagues who've found love and have a baby on the way.  I'd like to think that she'd be proud of the choices I've made.  I hope she's cheering us on in our quest to become parents. 

I still wish I would have done more five years ago, but have finally come to terms that there was nothing more I could do.  Losing her opened my eyes to so much and for that I am grateful, even if I miss her spirit and energy in my life.

In honor of her memory, I'm going to make sure to tell those I care about just how much they mean to me.... and challenge you to do the same.  You never know when just one simple card, or word of encouragement can make all the difference in the world to someone.

You are missed, Wilson.  

The should have baby

It's been some time since I thought about the pregnancy we lost in February.  The pain is so raw and deep at first with a miscarriage but time does have a way of making the pain fade.  It's always there and it becomes part of who you are, but it isn't in your face like it is in those first few days.  But there are moments when it comes back with that same intensity that you first felt- be it weeks, months, or even years later. 

Today I had one of those moments.  Our good friends had their fourth baby today.  She is a healthy addition to their family.  I found myself drawn to FB waiting to hear that the baby had made her arrival.  I knew our friend was having a c-section today and that their newest little one would come into this world at some point today.  I couldn't figure out why I was so drawn to this birthday.  And then I remembered.... Jen found out she was pregnant when we did.  They waited to tell us until after the D&C.  That sounds worse than it really was- they wanted to be sensitive to what we were going through but knew it was going to be out there and wanted us to know.  I found out while I was in North Carolina during spring break, so it wasn't right after our D&C.

But here's the realization I had today.  We should have had our baby by now.  The baby that we could have brought into this world if I hadn't had the third miscarriage.  I don't know what the exact due date would have been, but it would have been before now.  With the first miscarriage, I was very in tune with it all and thought about it often.  With the second miscarriage, I never had the sense of hope that there could have been a happy ending.  The third was so much of a surprise from the start with tiny bursts of hope thrown in.  I think that's why this date has hit me like this... it's like a little bubble burst and I had the realization that we should have also been having the experience of becoming parents through the miracle of birth.

I think it also hit me today- I mean really hit home- that we will never experience going to the hospital to give birth.  We'll never know what that experience is like.  We'll never pack a hospital bag and have a plan to tell those we love that we've welcomed life into this world.   We'll never go through that "right of passage" that is such a part of becoming an adult.  And I don't know how I will ever come to terms with that realization. 

Our life is full, and I am so lucky to share my life with a man who makes my every breath matter.  I am so lucky to have a marriage built on memories of growing up together.  My marriage is stronger despite as a result of 12 years of infertility and loss.  We are happy and most of my days are full of joy and laughter.  It the joy that keeps me moving forward.  And that's all I can do. 

Three

Did anyone else grow up hearing that things happen in threes?  I grew up hearing that death, major events, and births happen in threes.  Interestingly, that is usually the case. 

You know where this is going, right?

I now have three coworkers that are pregnant and all due within a month of each other.  The third teacher came to me today.  She happens to be a good friend and one of the teachers I share a room with in my new role.  She was afraid to tell me... just as every person close to me has been.  She also knows of our struggle, and like my other close friend, started "trying" right away because she knew that it could take time.  She and my other friend were married a day apart... in June... June 2012.  Which means they BOTH got pregnant the first month they tried following getting married.  I spent the early summer working on things for their weddings. 

The other coworker is expecting her second child.  She has a two year old already.  She suffers from PCOS, but is one of the lucky ones I guess...  But it's the other two that are weighing heavily on my heart tonight.

I wonder if there will ever be a time that my heart doesn't break with a pregnancy announcement.  I think these sting a little more because they both started trying right away because of my struggle- knowing that it doesn't work for some people.  Yet, they both got very lucky.  They both know just how lucky they are, and for that I am grateful.  They both shared with me how much they treasure the gift that they have been given.  And they both get it... at least for now.  Talk to me in a few months when they are both showing and it might be another story all together.

I can't help but have a little pity party tonight.  We're still waiting.  We're still hoping.  We're trying to live each day and believe that in the end all of this will be worth it.  My heart is breaking tonight.  I just don't understand why we have to watch all of those around us become parents while we want nothing more than to have the chance.  While I know that all of this is not related, but part of me has to wonder why these other women (who are amazing people and will be amazing mothers) have been given the gift that I so desperately yearn for.  Why aren't I good enough to become a mom?  Why can't my body carry a pregnancy?  Why can't a woman choose us to become the parents to her child? 

You would think that after all these years it would get easier.  In some ways it is easier- I was able to smile and ask all the right questions when my coworker told me today.  She knew the story of the coworker who did it all wrong- and wanted to make sure I knew long before it was out.  I was able to keep it together and not shed a tear at work until I had a private moment to call Chris.  So I suppose in some ways it is easier- or maybe I just have developed an armor. 

Of course today is CD#1... and it is a doozy- heavy and crampy.  I really just wanted to curl up into a ball today.  But I survived a full day of work and made it home in one piece. That's probably the bottom line... I am a survivor. 

***CAUTION***

I fell like  a walking, talking, breathing,  CAUTION sign.  I like to imagine that there are flashing neon lights involved with said sign.  I know I've wrote about this before, but the latest announcement has brought me to a new level of thinking on this topic. 

I am the worst case scenario for many women.  I am the woman that people- both fertile and non-fertile think to themselves, "at least I'm not her"  And I am not saying this to be melodramatic- it's the realization that I have come to.  Let's be honest here.  I've fallen into the veteran, wrong side of the statistics category for many years now.  The thing is- while I am obviously a little bitter about all we've endured, the fact that I am "thank god I'm not her" girl is what is bringing me to the brink right now.

In so many ways, I have followed the rules and lived the good life.  Sure, I married young, but I was in love and was close to finishing college.  We made some bad financial decisions in our early married years, but we've made good on that now.  I have a good career working in a human service field- working with challenging kids.  I have good friends who have supported me through it all. 

But I know so many of them are so very thankful that they aren't in my shoes.  I am now at a point that every.single.one of my closest friends is either pregnant or parenting.  Now, several of them have gone into the ttc world full force- because they KNOW.  They know what the worst case looks like, and by god, the are going to do what they can not to end up like me.  They start trying as soon as they can.  They move to specialists early on.  They get second opinions.

And you know why? Because I have shared my experience.  I've always been very open about all we've been through.  I've felt it was my responsibility to educate my friends.  God knows I don't want to wish my fate on ANYONE- especially those who I care so much about.  So in all reality, I built this neon flashing CAUTION sign all by myself.

I have so many mixed feelings on this.  Holding this giant CAUTION sign is weighing heavy on my heart and soul.  I also feel a sense of pride in that I have been able to serve as a warning for friends- and that so many of them have been blessed with pregnancies and children.  That giant CAUTION sign has done its job.

Tonight I will be joining my closest coworkers for a girls night hosted by the friend mentioned in the last post.  She is planning to tell our fellow coworkers tonight.  I was torn about what to do to protect myself, and in the end I called one of the other girls who will be there tonight too. While I know it wasn't my news to share, I knew that she would understand.  She's the friend who got pregnant on her first IUI and we danced around it for months.  When I told her, I could feel the sting she felt with our friend's quick pregnancy too.  I am feeling a little guilty about telling her, but think that she also needed time to absorb the news.  I am thankful to have an "ally" when the news is shared tonight.  One of my fears is that people will act strangely around me when the news is out.  I've said this before, I think one of the most painful parts of long time infertility is the pity parade you get.  I'm just not in the mood for a parade tonight!

So I am off with my giant CAUTION sign to spend time with the girls I adore and hope that the awkwardness is minimal.  There's always copious amounts of wine to make it all feel much less awkward, right? 

THAT call- NOT THE call.

I knew that it was coming.  It's been more than 6 months since it happened at all.  It's been well over a year since it happened at school.  You'd think I'd be prepared but now.  But as soon as the phone rang and Chris told me who it was- I just knew.  I knew it was going to be THAT call.  The phone call that brings me to my knees as soon as I hang up. 

My good friends and coworkers are pregnant.  I am thrilled for them and excited to know that they are going to be amazing parents.  It's just a little sting, and another tiny part of my heart broke with the news. 

They are very good friends.  She was my running partner last spring.  She has been on my 6th grade team for the last several years, and we taught next door to each other last year.  Her husband has actually taught with me longer than she has.  I helped with their wedding invitations and favors.  They were married on our anniversary and  I knew that they were planning to start a family right away.  They've watched my struggle and knew that time was of the essence.  She stopped BCP the month before the wedding after being on it for a very long time.  She knows my history and figured they needed to start trying right away. 

Of course they got pregnant on the first month after the wedding.  She has some scary health issues that were also just diagnosed, so it is going to be a rough few months for them.  I cautioned her about telling people about the pregnancy so soon, but she said she was ready to share with those closest to her.  I have to remember that for most people a positive pregnancy test = take home baby.  Please keep her in your thoughts as she navigates her health and this pregnancy.  She feels strongly that she wants the support of everyone who is very close to her.

This announcement brings about all the usual feelings.  I've been here before and I know that I will be here again.  I could feel the panic and pain in her voice as she was telling me her happy news.  I hate that our friends have to feel the sense of sadness when they have to tell us.  I am so thankful that she called me and told me over the phone.  I really think this is the best way for me to hear this news.  It allows me to keep my composure and not have to be face to face with someone when they tell me.  It gives me time to absorb the information and process it on my own terms.  It allows me to have a full blown temper tantrum in the privacy of my own home. I am so very thankful to have such caring friends who think about what's best for me during a very special time in their own lives.  

I have some other thoughts that I need to let roll around in my brain before committing to a post.  She invited us over for a girls night on Wednesday that I had already committed to.   Need to work through that in my head too.


Feeling better already... thank goodness for this blog!

Losing Trust- Update at bottom

Infertility has shaped the woman I am today.  It has been  a constant in my life for the past 12 years and I am coming to the realization that it will always be a part of who I am.  I've heard from those who have crossed over that it does become less of who you are, but that it is always there.  Adding in our recurrent pregnancy loss of the past 18 months has added another layer that weighs me down.  There are days that it is really just a heavy burden that I wish I could collapse under.  But I am strong, and I continue to get stronger each day- because that is the only choice I have.  My drive to become a mother and see my husband blossom as a father carries me through.  However, there are days that its just so heavy that I don't know how I will continue to move forward.  It's one of those days today, and I feel like I need to just take a little rest.

Of the many things that infertility and RPL have taken from me, the one that hurts the most is the loss of trust in my body.  I'm not really talking about body image- that's another post all together.  I'm talking about being able to trust my body to do what it is supposed to do.   Trust in my intuition and the signs my body gives.  Spending years as an infertility survivor makes you acutely aware of your body in a way that many women never really get to experience.  I know where my ovaries are- I mean really know and can feel them when they are full of cysts or ready to ovulate.  I am so in tune with the symptoms of pregnancy.  I've felt them too many times over the past two years.  I know how my body changes in the early days of a pregnancy.  I know how it feels when a pregnancy ends too soon.

But then I wonder if my body and mind are truly in sync.  Am I really feeling things?  Or is it my mind playing tricks on me?  Has all of this loss and struggle caused me to lose my mind?  It has gotten to the point that I don't even verbalize many of this to anyone- I'm afraid that people will think I've lost my mind.  Those closest to me don't even know what to say anymore.  They've said "I'm sorry" more times than any person should have to.

For the past two weeks, I've felt something.  I am terrified that I might be pregnant and miscarrying again.  But then I question myself and wonder if I am just programmed to think this.  It's been all I've known for the past two years and it's about "time" for me to go through this again.  I had many of the same symptoms I've had before.  I actually even had a strong AF start while we were in Omaha.  So I thought I could finally put things to rest and move on.  I didn't test and I enjoyed adult beverages.

But there's been a nagging sense of something.  My gums have been really swollen- which was a tell tale sign in the past.  I'm crying at the drop of a hat and can fall asleep just about any time.  The girls seem swollen.  My sense of smell is ridiculous.  This morning I woke up with cramps again.  AF has been long gone.  But this was the path that things went down last summer- I had what I thought was AF and then a week later I started bleeding again.  I tested and learned that I was pregnant and miscarrying all at once.

I feel silly.  Surely, this is all in my mind.  I have tests in the house, but I feel silly using them.  And if I use them and get a positive- then what?  There's no way that this is going to end well.  I suppose I will test- maybe tomorrow just to put my mind at ease.  What's the cost of another pregnancy test at this point, right?

I hate this.  I hate that I can't trust my body.  I hate that I can't trust my mind.  I hate that I can't trust myself.

Update:

Tested this AM with digital.  Clearly NOT PREGNANT.  Feeling relief but also wondering if it was in fact another really early m/c.  Ugh!  Thankful that I don't have to endure months of beta hell like I did last summer.  Thanks for all of your sweet comments!

Lifting fog

I am starting to feel the fog lift.  I am starting to feel more human.   I feel more like myself than I have in two months.   There are still moments where I feel so very raw, but thankfully those moments are starting to become fewer and farther between.

I have lots of thoughts right now and blog post ideas in my head. There's a few hot button issues I'd like to write about.  But I don't think I have the strength to handle the unknown of comments if I posted about some of them. 

One of my biggest thoughts lately is about the length of time we've been in the trenches.  We're close to 12 years of TTC.  TWELVE YEARS... that's 3/4 of my married life.  While we had periods when we weren't actively in battle, we've been in the fight for the entire time.  Sure, we had breaks from treatment.  In all those years, I was ALWAYS trying to become a mom. 

We've been through so much.  And I don't want to enter the "pain olympics" but need to point out that we've had so much heartbreak and loss.  We're veterans of IF treatment.  We've failed at IVF multiple times.  We've had ectopic pregnancies and chemical pregnancies.  And then there's the THREE miscarriages in the last 15 months.  Seeing the heartbeat only to lose it two weeks later. 

As a veteran IF gal, the last thing I want is pity.  But that doesn't mean I can't have my own little pity party for a moment.  I want to scream from the top of the mountains "WHY ME????" and "PLEASE LET IT BE MY TURN!" I've done my time.  I didn't sign up for twelve years of active duty.  When can I finally retire from all of this?  When will we finally have the title of mom and dad?  Will I have to wave the white flag before we win the ultimate prize?

We're still waiting for the results from our D&C testing. We haven't heard anything on the adoption front in weeks.  I am just so damn tired of waiting and then being let down.  I am tired of being left behind time and time again.  I am tired of wondering if I will ever be able to be a full grown-up.  (I've always felt that I won't really be a grown up until I earn the title of mom)  I am tired of saving my pennies to afford adoption after we used all of our life savings on one final IVF. (That I don't regret...but that's another post)  I am tired of watching my husband play with other people's children and feeling the ache in my heart knowing that I can't give him that.  I am tired of feeling jealous of other people and their pregnancies- even those that are hard fought for.  I am tired of wondering if there is a reason I haven't become a mom- that I won't be a good parent and this is nature's way of telling me that. 

Thankfully these thoughts don't consume me all the time.  It's just the very raw moments. 

Please, pretty please universe... We've put in the time.  Please let all this thick fog be worth it.

Desperate for Sleep

The sleep issues were the sign that triggered me to take the HPT back in December.  Each of the three times I've been pregnant in the past year have all shared this symptom.  Crazy dreams that wake me up and keep me from getting a restful sleep.  I dealt with it all when I was pregnant.  Here I am two weeks post D&C and I have yet to sleep through the night.  It's been more than two months since I last slept all the way through the night.

I'm desperate. 

I have always been the girl who needs 8 hours of sleep.  I've never had sleep issues until the first pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage.  Just one more added perk, I guess.  I have no problem falling asleep.  It's staying asleep that is the problem. 

I am tired all day.  I have a pretty stressful job as a middle school teacher- especially right now since we are two weeks out from our state testing that sets everything for NCLB.  I have a headache most of the morning.  This morning it was so bad around 9:00 that I had to hold back tears. 

I know that this all could be part of the grieving process. But since this all started before the miscarriage, I don't think that's the case.  I am worried that this is now becoming a viscous cycle- I am stressed about not being able to sleep and that is in turn keeping me awake at night.  I don't know how to fix this.  It's making me more stressed.  I am literally sitting here in tears writing this post. 

So- does anyone have any suggestions?  Is melatonin safe?  I'm trying this Natural Calm supplement suggested by a FB friend.  I've only taken it one night and didn't have any success last night.  Plan on trying it again tonight.  I've tried Tylenol PM and even that doesn't keep me asleep.  My labs all came back normal from the OB yesterday- so it's not anemia.  I haven't been back to the chiropractor since the m/c.  I just haven't been able to get the courage to walk back in there after he wasn't able to "save" the pregnancy.  I know I need to get my act together and go back.  He might be able to help with this too.

I really don't know how much longer I can handle all of this.  I haven't seen my PCP in a long time, but I think she might consider an Rx if I asked for it.  But I'd like to try as natural an approach as possible.  Did a little goo.gle research and looks like low progesterone could be an issue.  But I had the same issues when I was on progesterone support.  So I don't think that's it either. 

Please let me have just a little more sleep tonight....

Slowly resume "normal"

I had my post-op appointment today.  The OB was more than 30 minutes late.  There's just nothing like sitting in a paper drape for 30 minutes waiting.  But I've always felt like he takes time with me- so I know that's why he is always running late.  The actual exam was very fast... it was as if he just "peeked" inside and said everything was healing.  Not sure how you can see that in a quick glance, but I am going to take his word. 

I did ask him about the possibility of being anemic and he said he would run labs.  We almost forgot when we left but had them draw it for us.  We also talked about the folgard and he told me to just stay on a prenatal with folic acid and extra iron.  As far as next steps... he doesn't think he can help us and directed us to talk with an RE or someone who specializes in RPL.  I appreciate his honesty.  He did say that he feels he will see us again.  We gave him our adoption profile and asked him to add it to their file.  He was more than willing to do so.

He told us that we are supposed to slowly resume normal activity.  Of course that's easier said than done.  It does mean that we can finally return to normal marriage activity... something that hasn't happened since I peed on the HPT in December.  Of course he told us that we have to us protection.  Let me remind you that Chris and I have been together since high school.  We haven't had to use much in the way of protection over the years.  I was more than overwhelmed in the aisle in Tar.get tonight!  Oh well, one more thing that will be funny someday.   The OB also told me I can slowly start working out again.  I haven't laced up my running shoes since before Thanksgiving.  Hoping to feel some motivation to do that again soon. 

So, the bottom line... how do I really go back to "normal"  How do you move on from a third miscarriage in a little over a year?  How do you ever go back to normal?  Chris and I had a heart to heart this afternoon about it all.  I have learned that he doesn't grieve the same way that I do.  We've grown from all of this heartache.  He is ready to move forward.  He has already grieved and is ready to look forward.  It's not so easy for me.  I find myself holding my breath at times at how much my heart is breaking.  But there's a tiny part of me that is starting to break free and feel hopeful.  I am feeling such a sense of urgency that I haven't felt before.  I've always wanted motherhood more than anything but now it is an ache that is constantly there.  It is always in my thoughts.  I am trying to focus that energy on adoption marketing and trying to believe that our match is out there.  We just have to find it. 

In other news, Chris was in a car accident on Thursday.  He is absolutely ok, but his car is not.  Of course his car is the one we haven't paid off yet.  There was a big chance it was going to be considered totaled, but the body shop called this afternoon to let us know that they will be able to fix it.  This is a HUGE relief.  We just can't afford a car purchase right now in the midst of our adoption.  It was a tense few days here, as the accident was Chris' fault and I had a really hard time not being mad at him.  I've come to terms with it and we're in a good place.  It was just hard to swallow one more negative event in the midst of all we've been through. 

As a highlight, Chris' HS swim team had a GREAT sectional meet.  He has three relays and seven individual events heading to the State meet this weekend.  I am so excited for him and his boys.  He is poised to finish in the top 5 of the state, which would be a huge feat for his team.  So excited that I'll be able to be at the meet on Friday and witness it all myself.  It's sometimes hard to sit in the stands with the parents but I love being there to see the look in Chris' face after a great swim.  One of the families has become very close to us and has actually helped us financially with our adoption.  I am looking forward to having the time with those parents as we wait for the meet. 

So we're trying to figure out what normal is for us. For now, it's swimming and school and working hard on adoption marketing.  And hoping that the tears and heartache are a minimum.

Tired of being STRONG

I'm going to warn all of you right now... this is a rambling post of a woman who is not in a great place.  Feel free to click away right now.  I need to "dump" my thoughts here so that I can start to heal and move on.  That has always been one of the chief reasons I've kept this blog.
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Today was my first day back in the "real world" after the D&C last week.  It's the first day back to normal- back to life before the latest pregnancy.  First day back at work not pregnant.  I survived but I'm tired. Literally tired... and tired of being strong.

It took every single ounce of strength I had this morning.  I'll admit that I didn't have the best attitude when I walked out the door.  It's so frustrating to spend each and every day with other people's children.  Since I am a special education teacher, I work with many families who are less than ideal.  Parents who have little to no parenting skills and some have even told me that they simply have no desire to be parents.  It rips at my heart when I hear things like this.  After the most recent heartbreak, I am at the point that I would give just about anything to be a parent.  (Ok, I've been at that point for a long time)

As a treat to get through the day, I told myself that I could stop at Starb.ucks and get whatever coffee I wanted.  Before this pregnancy, I was a regular at the location close to school.  They know what I drink and such.  But I haven't been in but once since the start of the year.  I was really looking forward to it my entire drive into school.  Just as a pull into a spot, a very pregnant woman and her husband walk in to the store.  No big deal, I am a big girl and the world is full of pregnant women.  It was just the three of us in the store.  They are also apparently regulars too.  Again, no big deal, get me my coffee and we'll all be good.

Only it appears that the couple was on their way to be induced.... and you can imagine what the conversation went to when this came up in conversation.  Both the baristas chimed in with their birth stories.  That's just what happens.   I literally stood there wanting the floor the open up and swallow me right there.  I waited for my coffee and thankfully other people came in.  But the conversation continued.  It was the first time that I literally had to hold back tears.  When the barista asked me where I'd been, I was able to squeak out that I had been sick.  What else was I going to say? I got my coffee and then proceeded to burst into tears in my car. 

Seriously, I don't know what I did to piss off the universe.  I am so tired of being strong.  My heart is breaking right now.  I think it's really starting to sink in that we lost another pregnancy.  And this time it was different... seeing the heartbeat makes this more real.  I am not even sure how I will deal with the testing results when we get them.  And then we have the adoption fall through.  While it was only a short time that it was real, we still can't get any answers from the SW in Florida.  I just don't understand why we can't even get a phone call returned.  I just want to know that the baby has been placed in a loving home. 

To make things even more fun, I am still having random bursts of cramping and bleeding.  It slows down to almost nothing, and then WHAM I have a gush and cramping.  I realize it hasn't even been a week since the D&C, but enough already.  I don't need this crap anymore. With my luck, this will go on for weeks. 

Just to add some more fun to this week- our SW is coming on Wednesday for a "maintenance" check of our house.  Chris will be home when she comes.  I am not going to freak out about making sure everything is spotless.  I just don't have the energy.  We're also coming up on the point that we need to start renewing all of our clearances and such.  We'll have to renew our homestudy too.  Let's hope we don't have to do that more than once.

While I have obviously been driven in our quest to be parents, I am feeling an extreme sense of urgency now.  It is consuming almost all of my thoughts.  Everything else- like working- just seems to be less important right now.  Yet, there is nothing I can do to move things along.  I don't have control over anything at this point.  I just have to go through the days marking the passage of time. 

I know that it will get better.  It hasn't even been a week since the D&C.  I know that I need to heal- physically and emotionally.  I just worry that there will come a time when the scars become so deep that I am no longer the person I want to be.  I am worried that I will become so scarred from all of this that I will not be able to be a good wife, friend... and parent. 

heartbroken

Sadly, yesterday's ultrasound showed that the heartbeat has stopped.  The gestational sac is measuring right on track now, and the bleed is smaller, but our little bean lost the fight.  I am scheduled for a D& C on Tuesday morning.  I don't want to repeat the beta hell of the summer and I just can't deal with waiting for a natural m/c at this point.  The irony of it all is that I am barely spotting at all anymore.

We are heartbroken to say the least.  All of this just doesn't make sense.  We spent ten years not being able to get pregnant, even with medical intervention.  And now I can get pregnant- three times in 15 months, all ending in miscarriage.  Each time we get a little farther than the last time- which is a special kind of torture. 

I don't know how much two people can take.  We had so many people praying and hoping for us once again.  There were candles, rosaries, prayer warriors, you name it.  And yet here we are again. 

We're strong and we'll get through this like we always do.  I'm just tired of having to be strong.  Just once I'd like to catch a break.  On the adoption front, the social worker in FL won't return calls to our attorney.  So- looks like that is also a lost cause. 

How did we go from hoping for two little miracles to none in less than a week?  And please don't tell me that the right match is out there and that this is all God's plan.  I just can't take that right now.  For those of you who've "crossed over" please give your little ones an extra tight hug today and remember what a true gift each and every one of them are.

Good Thoughts

Just a quick post and a favor.

Can you please think some good thoughts for me today?  We have lots of amazing things happening on the adoption front, but today is going to be a tough day for me.

It was a year ago at the very inservice I am attending today that my world fell apart when we miscarried.  It happened at school, and I just don't know how I am going to feel when I walk into the building this morning.  I am feeling pretty strong right now, but I know that can all change.  I have to somehow figure out how to focus on the tasks today, which could be a big challenge.

So if you have some extra positive energy today, can you send it my way?

~~~~~

Thank you for all of your sweet comments.  I read them throughout the day on my phone, and it definitely made a tough day much more bearable.  I survived with only one little melt down at lunch but one of my dearest friends agreed to have lunch just to two of us and it helped tons. 

I think I've made it through the day.  Tomorrow will be tough too- but we have some exciting things to do, so that will help.  I'll share more about that this weekend.

Thank you again from the very depth of my soul.