Goodbye September

Whew... it's been a few weeks since I last updated here.  September has kicked my butt!

Things are going pretty well at work.  The principal at the elementary school that I am at 1 1/2 days a week pretty much hates me, but that's another story all together.  Thankfully I share that school with the other Tech Integration Specialist, and we both know just how crazy this woman is.  My direct supervisor is very supportive and the principal at the middle school is 110% in my court.  So, I am dealing with the little bit of crazy.  The teachers at the elementary school are also very supportive and are excited about having me there.  So, all in all, the job is going well.  I am SO happy that I moved into this position this year!

Grad school started up last weekend.  It's hard to get back into the balance of having to manage homework and class with the rest of my life.  The other TIS is taking the program with me, and we were fortunate to get into a group with two other like minded individuals.  Most of the program is online, but it is also mostly group work.  So, it has been a challenge to set up meeting times online but so far we have worked together very well.  I need to write a paper this morning as soon as I am done writing this post.  (Hey, I figured a blog post was a good writing warm up for a paper, right?!)  I was a little discouraged that there is a WIDE variety of tech skills in the group- which surprised me since this is a masters in Technology?!  It's a cohort so we'll all be together for the next 14 months.  It will be interesting for sure!

The biggest challenge in life right now is my teeth.... Let me explain. 

As a child, I had an orthodontist make a bad decision about my treatment.  My parents agreed because they just didn't know any different and trusted the expert.  I ended up losing adult teeth after the braces came off and had to have extensive work done in my late teens.  I had several root canals and finally had to have two bridges placed in the front of my mouth.  It was excruciating and traumatic.  I was told the bridges would only last 10 years and then I would probably need a full reconstruction of the top of my mouth. 

Fast forward to my adult hood... and I have avoided the dentist for decades.  It was such a traumatic experience that I have developed an EXTREME phobia.  The bridges had started to decay and become loose.  But I dealt with it, because going to the dentist was so much more intimidating.  On Friday, I bit into a sandwich and evidently swallowed one of the bridges.  My dear friends and coworkers searched through my lunch and the garbage to see if it could be recovered, but it was never found.  I had what I am sure is close to a full on panic attack.  My amazing friend Jamie called a dentist for me and even went with me to hold my hand (or leg) while I faced one of my deepest fears.  There were lots of tears and I can't even imagine what my blood pressure ended up!

After several hours, the dentist was able to come up with a temporary solution that allows me to have teeth for now.  I have lost basically all of the teeth on the top of my mouth as a result of the bridges.  He was caring and gentle and dealt with my crazy anxiety.  He even stayed late to create this piece of art that I now have in my mouth.  It is VERY temporary and I now have to jump into the restoration process with both feet.  I am REALLY not excited about this option, but feeling better now that I have walked into a dentist office and sat in the chair. 

I am in some pain this morning, but know that it will be worth it in the end.  I have to call and make an appointment with him early this week for a full exam and then he feels he will need to consult with some experts about the right course of action going forward.  There is a great deal of damage and it is going to be a tough process.  I HATE that we are going to have to spend money on this now with our adoption expenses still pending.  But I know that I HAVE to do this now. 

You would think that after several surgeries on my reproductive system the dentist wouldn't scare me... but I think it is just one more case of being out of control and having the horrible experiences in my childhood.  Please keep some good thoughts coming my way as I jump into this with both feet.

Here is my current smile thanks to the dentist's artistry...

Let's hope that it looks as good when he is all done with the permanent solution!

Fall Whirlwind

Whew... can't believe it's already September 9th!  Where did the last few weeks go?  Oh-- the start of a new school year, that's right!

The new job is going well.  Not nearly as stress free as Chris had hoped it would be for me.  It's been hard to accept that there is LOTS I don't know and that I am dependent on others to give me the info I need to do my job.  There have been some egos that have emerged that have caused some stress too.  It seems that there are a few of my colleagues that are a little threatened by my new role.  I'm spending more time walking around trying not to step on toes than I would like.  Hoping that has all come to a head now and that we can move forward. 

The start of a new school year is always intense, and I am really tired.  I had to do trainings after school every day last week and literally crashed when I got home at 8 on Friday night.  I always seem to forget how hard it is to readjust to the start of school each year.  However, I wouldn't trade summers off for anything!

In adoption news, we were presented to another woman recently who was due in a short time.  Sadly, she stopped returning our attorney's calls and we aren't even sure if she has had her child.  Its hard to believe we've almost been a waiting family for a year now, and we are still in the hoping phase.  I am still holding out hope that we will be matched before the end of year year, but I know that as each day passes that becomes less and less of a reality.  We're getting calls and we're being profiled- we're just not being chosen.  We're really doing all we can right now, but might consider running a google ad campaign after the 15th. 

In other news, it appears my blood pressure is now an issue.  I've been watching it on and off since my college days, but now it seems to be an official issue.  After talking to my primary care doctor, she feels that I need to go on low dose medication. My cholesterol has also decided to become elevated.  My blood sugar is also starting to creep up,  but she is going to leave me at my current dosage of met.formin for now.  I feel like I've aged 20 years in a few weeks!  I did ask to get a referral to a dietician to help me come up with a plan now that I need to manage both my carbs/sugars and the fats/proteins.  I also know that I need to become active again and hopefully I can get into a routine of good eating and regular exercise again. 

We did have a great summer full of concerts with friends.  Our final concert of the year is our annual Jimmy B.uffett adventure.  We enjoy tailgating and taking in all the sights.  Here is a photo of the group before the concert...

What a difference this summer was compared to last.  Feeling so much more refreshed this year and ready to take on whatever the fall has in store for us.  Hoping and wishing and dreaming that there will be a little one in our lives before the end of the fall....

Hope you are all having a great start to your fall.  Now that I am getting settled in to my routines, I am hoping to have more time to read and comment on your blogs!

Have a great Sunday!

Cha Cha Cha Changes....

It's almost official.  The new job is MINE pending board approval on Monday.  Considering the fact that my prior position has already been posted on the district's website, I think it is safe to say the job is mine. 

I met with my principal yesterday to talk about my transition out of the classroom.  There is a part of me that is very nervous about this change... I have spent the past 11 years in the same position.  Sure, the kids changed and my scheduled changed over the years, but I was doing the same job.  I've needed this change.  It was a tough year last year and the challenging student is still a little thorn- there is a due process hearing planned for August.  I will probably still have some part of that.  Other than the student, I was feeling stale in the classroom.  I wasn't excited about teaching like I once was.

I woke up this morning excited about a new school year.  I haven't felt that way in a few years.  I am excited to start working on plans for the year.  I do feel that there are high expectations for me in this role.  That scares me a little, but also excites me.  As a type A gal, I am excited about the opportunity to prove myself again.

There is also the added bonus of NO MORE SPECIAL ED PAPERWORK!  I am so thrilled about that!  I will be involved in developing a data base for the IEP paperwork- which is fine by me.  I will be working with the Sped department in the new role, but the relief I feel about no more paperwork is unbelievable!

The biggest task in the coming weeks will be cleaning out my classroom.  I did move into this room at the start of last school year so I did quite a bit of purging last summer.  However, there is still eleven years worth of files, personal purchases, etc to clean out.  I want to leave materials for my replacement, but I also don't want him/her to feel that I left a bunch of crap for them to clean out!  One of our former swimmers is going to be a first year teacher for CPS, so I will be handing off lots of my personal materials to her.  I remember all too well about having NOTHING as a new teacher!

I am also planning to organize all of the files on my school laptop so that I can hand my replacement a flash drive.  I will also be serving as a mentor for him/her.  As much as I am ready for this change, I care deeply for the program that was my "baby" for the past eleven years!

I do have to start another grad program- or at least classes to get the certificate for this position.  While I hate to spend the resources on that now, I am honestly a little excited about taking classes and gaining knowledge in this new area.  I am hopeful that I won't need to take the full program, but will be able to take only the necessary classes to get the certificate.  Need to make some calls on Monday to get details on that.  

While I know there will be stress in this new job, I know that it won't be nearly what it was.  I am hoping that this change will not only be good for my career, it will also be good for my soul.  I am hoping that this will give me more time to create, and more time to be the wife Chris so richly deserves.  And of course, I am so very hopeful that this WILL be the year that we become parents. 

I am hoping to meet with my new supervisor next week to share with him our adoption plans so that is all on the table from the start.  This position also gives me a little more flexibility and will hopefully be easier to take a leave from.  I am so hopeful that this is just the start of some big changes in our lives!

Finally some good change...

The interview went really well.  I was really nervous as I haven't sat on that side of the table for more than a decade.  I've been part of several interview teams- including the one for our assistant principal.  It was almost more intimidating because I knew everyone that was on my interview team. I spent the last few days researching a few of the buzz topics in technology integration.

As I left the interview, the admin congratulated me on a great interview.  He said he was really impressed.  Made this old lady feel proud that I could still nail an interview- even if it didn't end up with a job.  That simple comment gave me some much needed confidence.  He said I would hear from him at the start of next week.

I was surprised when my phone rang at 1:30 yesterday afternoon.  He said that the two tech people on the team made him promise to call me right away- and that he wanted to offer me the position pending a final interview with our superintendent.  It took a minute for it to sink in... but I accepted!  There are still some details to work out, and he needed to call the Director of Special Education after he called me.  My principal encouraged me to apply and was very supportive.  However, I hadn't even mentioned it to the Director of Special Education.  I can't imagine that call went very well.  I'm sure I am going to have to give her a call soon to smooth things over.

I'm not making it FB public yet- still need to get through the final interview with the superintendent.  I've been assured that it is just a formality, but she intimidates me a little.  She was the one that pushed for someone with a certificate last year- the certificate that I still do not have.  She may tell me that I have to start a program right away to get the certificate.  It's not ideal timing, but if it is what I need to do, it's what I will do.  So, if you know me in real life, please don't say anything on FB about it.  I've shared the news with my two closest friends and coworkers.  It is supposed to go to the School Board on July 23rd and will be official then.  :)

Thank you for all of the good wishes and positive thoughts.  Hoping this is the first of several positive changes for me! 

It's hard

Thank you for all of your sweet comments on our video.  Please feel free to share it on your blogs, FB pages, wherever!  I'm new to promoting using You.Tube, so if anyone has tips for that, please share.  I tried to think of all the keywords I could but noticed it doesn't always come up when I put them in the search field.  We're working with Adoptimist as well to get some of our own google ads running.  I wish we had unlimited resources to pay for premium ad space on google, but that's just not an option for us. 

I am trying to stay hopeful, really I am.  But, it's really really hard.  I posted our video on FB as well, and had great feedback there too.  People keep telling us that we are going to be great parents and that they are sure someone is going to choose us soon.  I am so thankful for all of these kind words, really I am.  But there's a little part of my heart that breaks each time I hear (read) how everyone knows we are going to be great parents.  Why haven't we finally had our chance to show just what amazing parents we can be?  How much longer are we going to have to wait?  And then there's a part of me that just wonders if it isn't meant to be.  Are we fighting against the universe? 

I do find solace in reading posts from many of you who have been where I am and have crossed over.  I also hope that everyone will keep commenting... you have no idea how important each and every comment is to me.  It's a sense of validation that I just can't explain. 

I'm starting to feel like the last one standing again.  (Remember this post?) Except this time, it's the adoption episode.  I know in my heart of hearts that the right match is out there for us- at least I am holding out hope that there is.  But I can't help but feeling a little sad as I watch just about every single person waiting for an adoption match on my blog reader- get matched.  And I am overjoyed for every.single.one.of.them! I just wish that I could be sharing in their joy. 

There's a part of this Type A personality of mine that just can't squelch the feeling of being in a competition.  And I fell horribly guilty even putting this out there.  I look at other profiles and wonder how we compare.  I am constantly updating our profile on adoptionist to make sure we are on the top of the recent page.  I check the stats on our pages and our FB page.  I know it's not about being "better" than another couple- it's about being the RIGHT couple for a woman.  We just need to hope that our information gets to the right woman at the right time.  It's really a numbers game, right?  Or is it all about luck?  Or karma?  I wish I knew.

After years of infertility, I am so full of self-doubt that it's hard not to take all of this personally. It's hard to wonder why we haven't been chosen.  It's hard to wonder what people think about us when they see our video or look at our profile.  It's hard to think about what must go through a woman's mind when she is choosing a family to parent her child.  It's hard to think about the pain a woman must endure in order for Chris and I to experience the joy of parenthood.  All of this is just so hard.

But it's the hard stuff that makes us stronger, right?  And that's just what this girl is going to do.  Keep being strong and hoping that someday very soon we'll finally have our dreams come true.

~~~~
In other news, please keep good thoughts coming my way on Thursday morning,  I have an interview for the tech position at school.  This was the same position I applied for last year, but didn't get an interview.  This year they removed the certificate as a requirement and I have been granted an interview.  Both of the current tech people in the district want me in the position and will be on the interview team.  I really need a change with my job and am excited about the prospect of this new position.  I am trying not to get my hopes up as they are interviewing several external candidates as well as me.  I haven't done an interview in more than a decade- so I'm a little nervous!  Thanks for all good thoughts you can send my way!

Exhale

Sorry that I've been MIA.  The end of the school year is always crazy and I am happy to say that I made it to the end in one piece.  I am so thankful that the school year is over.  One of the blessings of teaching is that there is an end.  Every rough class, every rough year, every rough experience is over once the school year comes to a close.  (On the flip- every great class also leaves after a year.)

The sense of relief I am feeling is unbelievable.  While the students were especially challenging this year, it was also a tough year for me personally.  We're still in adoption limbo- I am trying so hard to keep the hope.  We've been told over and over what an "ideal" couple we are.  I honestly thought that we'd finally be on a smooth path to parenthood and that we would be on the fast track.  Just once, we had hoped that things would fall into place for us.

And yet, here we are more than a year waiting.  We haven't had a serious "lead" (I really hate that term, but not sure how else to phrase it) in several months.  My heart is heavy with longing.  I am trying hard to keep my jealousy/why not me monster in check.  Of course last night I was looking at our attorney's website of waiting families, and noticed at least three couples who signed AFTER us that are now parents.  Now, I know that there is no sense of order to this and that the right woman is out there for us.  I'm just so tired of waiting.

We had several people contact us recently about a local situation through a national agency.  They were looking for a family for a newborn with down syndrome and a significant heart defect.  My heart leapt when I read the first email, but I know in my heart of hearts that this was not the right situation for us.   We literally had four different people email about this situation. 

My head is full of thoughts about this and our adoption process in general.  I can't seem to find the right words to express it right now.  I've typed and erased line after line.  The bottom line- I'm feeling a little hopeless and conflicted and excited and sad and frustrated and so much more.

AF showed up on Memorial Day- which means I've now had two "normalish" cycles of 32-34 days.  That's just unheard of for this PCOS/RPL gal.  And isn't it crazy that a tiny part of me was actually sad when AF showed up? I don't know what is going on with my body though- my hormones seem to be a hot mess all around.  I've been exhausted and weepy.  Hormones?  Or just the stress of everything?

I am really looking forward to the slower pace of summer.  While I feel that I can breathe again with school being over, I also feel like I am holding my breath in terms of our adoption.  I am hoping I will finally be able to exhale soon- that finally it will be our turn in all of this. 

Better Place

I'm honestly in a better place.  Thank you for all of your supportive comments on my last post.  As always, it means so much to know that there are people out there that get it and are cheering me on.  Sometimes just the simple fact of knowing that you are not alone in this fight means everything. 

I lost myself in reading last weekend.  It was just what I needed... to lose myself in a piece of fiction.  I actually read all three of the Fifty Shades of Grey books last weekend.  I have some thoughts I want to post on the books, but that's another post.  I seem to forget how wonderful it is to get lost in a book and become so engrossed in characters that you start thinking about them at random times.  Chris was amazing and allowed me literally to stay in bed all day last Saturday.  The only time I left the house last weekend was to have dinner with one of our swim team families on Saturday night!

This week at school was a little less intense with my challenging student.  We have him on a Crisis Safety Plan, so hoping that now we have a plan in place we won't need it.  He is utterly exhausting.  He's also very attached to me and can be a very kind sweet boy.  I have some theories that came to light this week as to why this kid has gotten to me so much.  That's also another post all together.

Remember the technology position I wanted for this school year but it was given to another woman who had the elusive certificate?  She hasn't really worked out this year- and in fact has been RIF'd for next year due to performance.  Why do I know this?  It was accidentally sent out to the entire district on the staffing plan for next year!  While I have not had a good working relationship with this woman, I do feel bad that this news was made so graphically public.  However, the good news... is that the position is back open for the fall.  And imagine this... they have removed the certificate as a requirement!!!!  After some soul searching with Chris and talking with my principal, I decided to put my name in the hat once again.  My principal informed me that the District Admin responsible for this position actually emailed him a week before I spoke to him asking if I would consider applying.  Hoping that is a good sign that things might just work out this time.  I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but man am I ready for a change after this school year!  I've emailed the Admin and applied officially through the district website.  I haven't heard anything, but the applications remain open until May 15th.  My principal told the District Admin that I was reluctant to apply due to the way that it was handled last time.  So at least that is out there.  

Chris and I are at a really good place.  Some of that has to do with my reading last weekend.  :)  Mostly, we've just had some really good quality time together.  We don't see each other much at all during the week but have made the weekends really count.  Only one more weekend until I lose him for every single weekend for the summer- so I'm trying to cram in as much as I can each weekend!  Yesterday we got the window boxes installed on the front of the house and got the early flowers planted.  Here in the midwest, you just never know when the last frost will be, so you have to be careful.  I'll post some photos soon.  Right now we only have pansies and violas planted since they are very frost hardy.  We also started a project inspired by pinterest of tipsy pots.  Of course I wanted them painted purple, so we had to do that first!  Seeing the flowers already makes me smile.  It really is the little things that make the difference, isn't it?

Chris also finished all of the floors in our main living space.  I LOVE them.  He has to do the stairs now and we've started to refinish all of the furniture.  We're definitely nesting.  Let's hope that we can get all the must do projects finished before we get the call.  Ok, scratch that... if we get the call tomorrow we'd be thrilled!

Thankfully I have some orders to fill for PB Creations.  I need to get things moving again with the business so it can continue to pay for our advertising costs.  We're currently spending close to $350 a month (which is less than our lawyer would ideally want).  Our homestudy is now a year old, and essentially expired.  We've been assured that it is all fine by both our attorney and social worker.  But it makes me REALLY nervous.  Trying to stay positive and trust the experts.... but that goes against my nature.  Never really expected that we'd still be waiting one year later.  Really thought that we'd finally catch a break and be the lucky ones in a quick match.  Trying to stay hopeful that our match is out there... and will find us very soon!

CD 1...again

Today marks CD1.  The second AF since the D & C.  A remarkably normal 34 day cycle.  (As normal as a PCOS gal can ask for)

So now what?  We were told that we needed to wait at least two cycles before "trying" again.  We also know that our last miscarriage was of a genetically normal fetus.  I've been taking the CCRM "sucky egg" cocktail of supplements for two months now. 

I've sent off an email to my beloved CCRM nurse.  I have the name of a local RPL specialist and need to make a call to get a consult with her office.  I need to call our adoption attorney.  We haven't had any calls from her in more than a month. 

I've had another really hard week at work.  My one very challenging student had a really rough day.  I've had 9 IEP meetings in the last two weeks and all the paperwork to go along with that.

I feel like I am in a hamster wheel.  The scenery never changes.  I work my ass off going in circles and in the end... I am right where I started.

It really all comes back to...

CD1 again,

Days like this....

Today was a challenging day in my classroom.  I work as a middle school special education teacher.  Most of my students have learning disabilities, but I have one particular child who also has some emotional/behavioral issues.  His learning disabilities are so severe that he is not appropriate in our ED/BD program. 

This child has taken so much of my time this year.  He exhausts me.  His mother is somewhat involved, and sends me emails and communicates.  However, there is NO follow through at home at all.  I think the home is a little hectic from what I have learned.  We've been working with his mom and doctors to get the right medication for him.  I start feeling like we've made one step forward with his behaviors and then we end up two steps back.  Today was a five step back kind of day.  I don't want to go into details for obvious reasons, but know that I am constantly in a battle with this student about just about everything- including the need to keep your eyes open when walking around the classroom.  (He happens to be the same student that I mentioned locked himself in his own locker)

I am exhausted at the end of the day.  I worry about how I will be able to handle being a parent after doing this all day.  I ask my coworkers how they do it and they assure me that it is possible.  :)  They remind me that it is so different when they are your own children.  It is different when you have control of the environment at home and are responsible for their little lives.

We've had several people ask us why we are hoping to adopt a newborn rather than adopting from the foster care system.  Yes, I am a special education teacher and have the skill set necessary to work with a child who has emotional and learning needs.  Chris has the patience of a saint and works with all sorts of children through our swim team.  I just can't imagine coming home and having to "work" like I do all day with my students.  (And yes, I know being a parent is work- I'm using the term here to refer to the fact that my job is working with children with needs)  Yes, we could do it.  And we honestly hope to do it in the future- we really do.  But right now, it just doesn't feel like the right fit for us. 

I know this seems like a selfish choice, and trust me I feel that way about it all.  But I want to have the opportunity to raise a child from birth... a child that knows what it feels like to be loved and nurtured from the very moment they enter this world. 

So much of my day is spent "erasing" pain and learned behaviors from my students messed up home lives.  My heart aches for them when I am helping them deal with the pain that a parent has caused or they are trying to recover from years of acting out because they didn't understand how to communicate. Too many times I spend a day working through an issue with a student, only to have a new one appear the next day.  I deal with parents who are over-involved, under-involved, and just plain crazy.  There are parents who have no desire to parent.  Middle school students need parents as much- if not more- than toddlers! 

I know that parenting is hard.  I've witnessed friends struggle with making the right decisions as they parent their children.  I know that there are no guarantees in parenting, and there is always a chance a child we adopt (or give birth to) can have some special needs.

But it's days like this that make me yearn to be a parent even more.  I want to have the opportunity to come home after a long day and snuggle with my own child.   I want to know that I am doing EVERYTHING in my power to let a child know that they are loved and help them grow into an amazing person. 

Please let days like this be few and far between.  And let's hope that the day when I come home to a child of my own is very, very, soon.

Talked to Attorney

Once again, thank you for your comments of support on yesterday's post.  It meant so very much to me.  Chris and I aren't at the same place with this and it helped to have some of you validate my thoughts.  He's not wrong- but neither am I.  So we're in that crazy place right now.

I did talk to my attorney today.  I left her a voice mail on my plan period today.  I do feel better after talking with her.  Apparently the Expectant Mom (EM) initially only wanted to look at families who had children already, but liked our story and wanted to talk with us.  But then they changed their mind- and the percieved "health" issue was just one part of the issue.  I'm still not sure how they went from wanting to talk with us to not in a course of three days, but my attorney reminded me that we are dealing with a young woman. (She is 16.) She told me again that she didn't see that there was an issue with our profile and that we can't base it on only one EM.  If there were others who had the same comments, she would have us make an update.  I am comfortable with that.

I also asked her about the fact that she said our profile is going out and not being chosen.  She said our profile is going out, but they aren't getting any feedback at all.  It seems that the mom's who ask to see our profile aren't returning calls once they have our feedback.  That makes me feel somewhat better that its not that we are being "rejected" for another profile.  It's just that there is NO feedback once our profile goes out. 

To clarify- our attorney doesn't call us every time that our profile goes out.  She only calls us when an EM wants to talk to us.  We've talked to one EM who chose another couple, and then another situation went "south" when another agency got involved before our social worker could get our information out there.  (That was the same week as my bedrest and eventual miscarriage) This was the second time that  she called to let us know an EM wanted to talk to us.  We have no idea how often our profile goes out.  We do get an itemized bill from our 888 phone service, so we know when calls have come in. We don't know if anything comes of them until our attorney calls us.  She will talk and meet with an EM before talking to us at all. 

I wish I could say that I am feeling peace with this situation and ok that it isn't the right one.  I know in my head that the right EM will come along and it will be the baby that is meant to be in our arms.  I just hope that I can keep the hope long enough to keep fighting for her to find us. 

The next two weeks are going to be crazy busy.  I have so much to accomplish with school and I just feel so overwhelmed thinking about it all.  The tensions are once again high at school as staffing assignments for next year are coming out.  Every year we lose more teachers and this year is no different.  We're to the point that it is tenured teachers that are being cut because there aren't any non-tenured teachers left.  It makes for a stressful work environment as people wait to hear if they have a job next year or not.  Also adds to my stress because I know that I am not doing everything I could be doing.  But then I step back a remember all that we've been through this school year and I have to accept that I am doing the best that I can.  That's all I can do at this point. 

Thanks again from the bottom of my heart for your love and support!

HCG #1= 76

It's a whole different world dealing with an OB office rather than an RE.  They just do things much more laid back.  They aren't used to people like me who have a knowledge base and need to know.  But I am trying to embrace this change and be as "normal" as possible.  This is a natural pregnancy for now and I am trying hard to let be what will be.

I had to ask for Saturday's lab results when I went in this morning.  Saturday's HCG was 76.  I'm feeling ok about that considering it seems to "match" what we saw on the u/s, right?  If it was really high, we'd be in trouble I think.  They didn't seem to draw for P4, so I have no idea where that was at.  I am on minimal support now but I did have them draw it today.  I know that the statistics tell you that low P4 is often indicative of a "bad" pregnancy.  But I also know that I have an issue with low Progesterone.

So for now we wait and see.  I won't get today's lab results until tomorrow.  Another difference in dealing with an OB rather than an RE.  I'm trying to keep it all in perspective and keep it together until tomorrow.  I have to return to work tomorrow, so it will be nice to have the distraction.  Hoping that the call comes at a point that I can get away and take the news.  Thankfully I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow afternoon.  (She's back from maternity leave!)

As of today, everything seems good.  Symptoms are the same- Sore girls, fatigue, and crazy dreams still there.  Not much nausea but a few light headed moments.  Nothing serious at all- just a moment of "hmm, I don't feel just right"  There is still NO SPOTTING at all.  I am obsessed with checking of course. 

Today is my very last day of break.  I wish I had a few more days, but don't we all?  Thankful for a short week with kids.  We have meetings all day tomorrow and kids only on Thursday and Friday. 

Thank you for all the sweet comments and good thoughts.  Keep them coming...

The Year 2011- brought to you by the word Limbo!

2011 is coming to a close.  And I can't say that I am sorry to see the year go.  It wasn't as rough as 2010, but it definitely had its moments.  And way too much time in limbo land...

The major limbo- our adoption process.  We finally got through the paperwork and got our homestudy approved in May.  Then we couldn't decide which route to take for our next steps.  We finally chose our attorney and have been happy with that choice.  Each and every day is a day of limbo now- we place ads, we network, we hope, and we wait.  Our lives could change in an instant- or in months, years from now...  Really hoping that 2012 is our year.

Then there was my job.  I really adore my principal and my colleagues, but don't love my job anymore the way I used to.  I love technology and teaching others to use it in the classroom and spent lots of time last school year training other staff.  I was so very hopeful that I would be a new position this fall and spent most of the summer in limbo over that.  It wasn't until right before school started that I learned that I would in fact be returning to my same position in the classroom.  The woman that was hired for the position is not meeting the expectations of the staff, and it's been a tough fall in that department.  I had planned to start another master's program if they had placed me in the position, but we made the decision that the timing isn't right for me to do that right now.  (See above...adoption limbo!)

And then there was the surprise pregnancy and miscarriage all wrapped up in one this spring/summer.  I knew it was over even as it began, but it was a tough few days at first with little glimmers of hope.  And then it was the miscarriage that wouldn't end.  I spent months of weekly blood work waiting for the damn HCG levels to drop.  We were paralyzed from making any adoption plans as my body healed and we came to terms to yet another loss.

Which brings me to today.  We're in limbo again.  It seems I've managed to get myself a "little" pregnant again.  Yep, you read that right.  We're currently in pregnancy limbo again- again a total surprise.  I skipped the RE this time and went right to an OB, trying hard to act like a normal person- not someone who has endured all that we have.  I had two positive HPTs on December 30th and they got me in right away today.  I don't have any lab results- and won't until Tuesday.  They did an u/s and saw "something" but nothing measurable yet. The u/s tech said that everything looks promising but early.  Even though I know the date of my last AF, having PCOS- that doesn't mean a thing.  The OB is very old school, and for now that is fine with me.  He put me on progesterone and baby aspirin as an "it can't hurt" treatment.  I'm already on Fo.late.  Could I be more aggressive?  Sure- but for now this is our plan and we've made peace with it.

I go back Tuesday for repeat labs and have another u/s scheduled for Friday dependent on Tuesday's results.  We have a glimmer of hope- but we really know how this turns out for us every.single.other.time.  So if you have some hope to share, feel free to send it our way.  We have adoption ads running in local papers again this week.  I refuse to let this paralyze us again. I pray that we have some resolutions one way or another in the next week.  I know it will be touch and go for some time, but I would like to have some light to know which way this is going to end up.

Let's hope that 2012 brings us a child- one way or another.  I can't handle another year like this!

Back to School

I promise to share photos of our time in California.  I left the camera at school this weekend, otherwise that is just what this post would have been all about.  For now, you'll have to read my rambles about the first week of school.

I always seem to forget how truly exhausting the week is.  As I get older, it takes longer and longer to adjust back to the routines and being on my feet all day.  My feet are killing me.  First investment this school year will be on a few new pairs of shoes that are designed for "older teachers" to stand all day.  Sadly I feel that the days of really cute shoes for school are coming to an end.  I am looking at some options that are still somewhat cute as I just can't bear ugly shoes even for comfort!  :)  Some of the teachers swear by Dansko, and I love my Keen sandals.  I've also heard good things about Merrill too.  Anyone have any suggestions for cute and comfortable shoes?

The stress is high all around at school.  Let's just say it is going to be a constant power struggle between the district administration and the teachers all year long.  Over silly things that really shouldn't be issues.  And my poor principal is stuck in the middle.  Silly things like having a working copier and using personal days on inservice days.  And every single teacher is being asked to do more with less.  Oh, and we're all going to be evaluated based on how our kids do on a single test this year.   It's just frustrating that the KIDS are the ones that are losing here.  Teachers aren't able to focus on students' needs and well being with all of this nonsense going on.  But that's what I intend to do.  Focus on the kids and just push forward.  (And it helps that it is not an evaluation year for me this year!)

I really intended to stop all technology assistance after the way the whole position went down this summer.  But I can't.  It's just not my nature.  So I've been troubleshooting IWBs, answering questions, and suggested that I hold a little training session for the new teachers on the IWBs on Monday.  I just can't say NO when I teacher WANTS to use the technology and there is no support for them.  I won't leave my colleagues hanging when they need support.  I am however going to be sure that I keep a log of all of the things I am doing so that the powers that be know that there is a NEED at our school that is NOT BEING FILLED by the woman they hired for the position.

I have lots of orders to work on for my little PB Creations business.  I need to work on scheduling time that is dedicated to continuing to grow that little endeavor.  I think I need to treat it like a part time job and really schedule hours so that I am forced to make time.  Not only is it good for business, I NEED the creative outlet.  It is a stress relief and makes me happy.  I spend my days nurturing others.  I need to make time for nurturing my own creative soul!

I will leave you with a photo of the flowers Chris sent me on the first day of school.  This is a tradition he started years ago.  I REALLY needed the pick me up this year.  He is a keeper for sure!  :)

Each year the card says,  "Have a Great School Year.  You are an Awesome Teacher."

Home

We're home safe and sound.  Had an amazing week with some really fast swimming and lots of fun.  I haven't even uploaded all the photos, but I'll be sure to share my favorites here.  I am so very proud of Chris and all he accomplished with his swimmers.  They were the highest scoring team from the state of Illinois!  All with only four swimmers!

It was hard to come home without Simba being here.  I had a little meltdown when I walked into the guest room and realized that is where he had his final days.  Our friends cleaned everything up for us and it was just surreal to see all of his "supplies" stacked up in a pile.  I don't think it has really sunk it that he is really gone.  Words can't express how grateful we are for our friends who cared for him and Romeo while we were gone.

Romeo is beyond excited to have us home.  He apparently took up residence on our bed while we were gone so those sheets are in the washing machine as I write.  Hoping they'll be done in time for me to get to bed at a decent hour.

It's back to work for me tomorrow.  I have so many mixed thoughts and emotions about that.  Sadly, I don't have the excitement that I usually feel for the start of a new school year.  Hoping that once I get there tomorrow and see all my colleagues that I will feel that.  I am so thankful that I took the trip with Chris.  It was great to clear my head and really go into the school year with a sense of peace and calm rather than being here and brooding for the past week. 

And let's face it- this has been a pretty crappy summer for me.  Here's to new beginnings and moving forward.  Fall is a wonderful time of year full of change and promise, right?

It's going to be rough in the morning.  My body will think it's 3 am when the alarm goes off...  I've already decided it will be a VENTI kind of morning!  :)

Craptastic start to the school year already...

In the end, looks the district is hiring someone from the outside to take the tech position.  I am disappointed and frustrated with the entire process.  A piece of paper (that even the person currently in the position doesn't have) was more important than experience and commitment to the district.  It has shown me that this is a position I'd really like to have so I will pursue getting the certificate and then take my talents to another district in the future.  That's all I'm going to say on that.

My "new" classroom is also craptastic.  That's not helping my mood.  There are issues with missing white boards, and the interactive white board in the room was abused last year and is not in great shape.  I treated the one on my old room like a classic car... so I am devastated at how this one was treated.  I requested to have my old one moved, but apparently that isn't going to happen.

My schedule is rough too--- I teach for 5 straight hour without a break.  My plans are the last two hours of the day.  Not loving that either.

So bottom line, I need to figure out how to adjust my attitude about this all.  It was a rotten summer, and I just can't bear a rotten school year. 

So Chris and I are off for a week in Sunny Cal for the National Swim meet.  Let's hope that some sunshine can work some magic on my psyche before returning to start the school year. 

Oh, and my "new" room isn't even unpacked yet.  And we get back the night before school starts. 

Serenity NOW

Whew! Back to NORMAL! :)

Just talked to nurse at local clinic.

Experienced RE taking over my case.

Said he doesn't care if it is 3.3, 2.2, or less than 2- It's NEGATIVE and there is NO need to repeat.

I feel like I could break into the Hallelujah Chorus right now.

She's even going to talk to him about running labs for RPL.

Could I really finally be through this hell?

Things are looking positive in the new job department.  Still FAR from a done deal, but my name is in the running.  It's not having the elusive certificate that is holding me back.  But there aren't many people who have said certificate.  So hopeful that I will get some news on that next week.

It's taken all summer, but feeling like things might resolve.

Off to go knock on some wood somewhere!

Change

I am feeling that I need a change. 

And I am hoping that I might just have some change with my job.  There is a possibility that I could change roles and become part of our district technology team as a technology integration specialist.  I've been doing a great deal of professional development over the past year, and am one of our technology leaders.  I am not the energetic teacher I was ten years ago, and I feel that a change could be a good thing.  So please keep good thoughts that things fall into place and I can find some much needed change with my job.  I've been in the same position for 10 years, so it's time.

Unfortunately, a requirement of the position will probably force me to go back to school to get an additional masters degree.  I do not have the required certificate for this new position and teaching in IL is all about what certificate you have.  The added expense of grad school is not exactly what Chris and I need right now and he is less than thrilled with the idea.  I *really* want to be considered for this new position and feel that this is the right time for this.  Please keep positive thoughts that we can make this all work if the position is offered to be on the condition I am going back to school.

One more week of school related commitments (summer school and tech training for staff) and I am done.  I can't wait to be REALLY on summer vacation!

52

I'm still a little pregnant.  Ugh.  HCG is at 52 as of this morning.  I have to go back again next Tuesday. 

I just want this to be over already. 

Hoping it's just one more week.  Why is it that my body seems to hang on when it isn't supposed to?  Why couldn't we have had this kind of resolution back before it decided to miscarry yet another pregnancy?! 

Still feeling tired and a little achy.  I haven't spoken to CC.RM or to the actual RE at the local clinic since the first day.  As much as I whine here, you would think I would do something about it.  But I haven't.

Today was the first day of summer school.  It was a hot mess as the admin in charge isn't the most organized.  Only 14 more days to go.  And the money is good, so it is worth it.  At least that's what I am telling myself right now. 

Off to be creative... I need some kind of pick me up after this day!

Still dropping...

Thankfully my HCG levels are still dropping.  Today's level was just over 600, so it is still dropping.  I was hoping for a faster drop like last time, but I'll take it I guess.  It's funny how once again perspective changes. I don't have to go back to the RE until Monday for a repeat beta.

Last time, Dr Sch had me on antibiotics with my miscarriage.  I think this was done before we knew it was a miscarriage and I was just bleeding.  Do I need to be on them this time?  I keep meaning to ask.  Is that a normal thing? 

Thank you for all of your kind comments on my last few posts.  It means the world to me.  Even my closest friends can't really understand where I am at right now.  (Heck, I don't even really know where I am right now!)  But all of you know just what to say.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Thankful that I am really busy with school.  Only 9 more days in this school year!

Adoption Profile Photo Questions

We have a talented friend who also happens to be a photographer who has offered to take our photos for our profile.  She wants to do this as her gift to us, and I am so very grateful.  We finally set the date for this weekend.  Hoping that the weather cooperates and we can do some outdoors. 

I am trying hard not to overthink it all.  That's just not easy for me as you can imagine.

Here are the questions running through my mind- I'd love some feedback if anyone has any! :)

1)  What should we wear?  We don't want to be matchy matchy, right?  I am thinking casual jeans/sweaters. (Thank you Chicago weather for still requiring sweaters in MAY!)

2)  Should we try to include Romeo, our lab, in some of the photos?  I've read that sometimes a connection like having a similiar dog can be all that it takes for a match to be started.  He is part of our family and spoiled much like our children will be!  Hoping he can behave, though.

3)  Outdoors or Indoors?  In front of house?  On playground at end of street?

Our friend has taken some great maternity shots and engagement shots, but we are her first adoption profile shots.  Anyone have any suggestions?  Anyone have any links to profiles that they love how they did their photos?  Would love some inspiration!

I can say that I AM doing something in the adoption front by getting these photos taken.  Chris still doesn't really get why we need them, but I think it will be nice to have lots to pick from and maybe even nice to have some professional photos of the two of us anyway, right?

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Things have been better with school the past few days.  I really LOVE teaching and interacting with the kids.  It's all the other crap that comes with teaching these days that really gets me down.  Oh well.  I did almost strangle a child who asked me if I had kids, and when I said no, he replied, "But you are so old."  Yep, gotta love the honesty of middle school boys! 

Only 11 more school days left in the school year!  Yippeeee!