165

Oh My Goodness.

After a decade, we have our FIRST ever positive beta.

We are in shock.

Beta was 165. Nurse said they wanted it over 50. Thrilled to have a nice strong number as a start.

Beta #2 on Tuesday. My mind is whirling. I know the next two weeks will be full of lots of anxious moments.

So much for closure, huh? :)

TODAY

Today is the day- the day that determines what path my life will follow from here forward. That sounds so very melodramatic, but it really is the truth. Depending on the results of this morning's blood work, I may be closing this chapter of my life. I am at peace... at least about 75% of me is.

The other 25%- scared to pieces. More than anything I want the embryo(s) to stick and for the last decade of struggle to all lead to a moment of sheer joy. I want to see the joy in my husbands face as I share the news with him that we finally have our positive. However, I am trying hard to keep that 25% in check as that is where I get into trouble. Hope is a four letter word.

More than anything, I am ready for closure. Infertility has defined me for the last decade. It has changed my relationships with my family and my friends. I've learned a great deal about myself and those relationships. It has changed my marriage. In the end, we are stronger as a result, but it wasn't always easy. It has shaped the decisions we have made about our careers and major purchases. Infertility has always been a part of our lives. I am ready to close that chapter.

I am not naive to think that infertility will simply vanish with our results today. I know that infertility will ALWAYS be a part of who I am. It will shape the mother that I will one day become. My experiences have given me an empathy for others that will impact my relationships for the rest of my life. And yes, a little part of me will always be angry. I don't know that I will ever be able to enjoy baby showers and pregnancy talk. My hope is that infertility will not DEFINE my life any longer but simply be a part of my past that is a reminder of where I've been.

I have lost my faith along the way, but for today I am simply asking for peace. Peace with whatever results we find today and the Grace to move forward.

Wavering

That cool, calm, collected girl that has been writing here... she seems to have run away! Last night I had a moment of sheer panic about the beta on Sunday. Haven't POAS, and not sure if I will. I think I might do it tomorrow morning just as I did last time. I had three times last night that I was sure AF had started, but it was just the damn endome.trium! I am on so much progesterone that I really don't think she could break through at this point.


I couldn't eat the dinner I made last night... made me want to gag. Chris said it tasted good, so it wasn't the food itself. Don't really know if that is a positive sign, or just that I have myself so worked up that I was too nervous to eat. Any symptoms that I feel now, I know could easily be due to the meds I am on. So I am *really* trying not to read too much into anything.

Please give me the strength to get through one more school day today keeping my cool! My students are really pretty good, just very needy at this point of the year still. Off to school I go!

Keeping Balance

I am still here- using all of my energy to keep my balance on the tightrope. We're more than halfway through our wait for the beta on Sunday. I just have to keep my balance a little longer. I am balancing a great deal of work at school this week, so that is helping keep me grounded.

I do find myself holding my breath when I remember what Sunday will bring. It will bring closure one way or another. It is a true fork in the road. It will mean getting off this tightrope and onto another one. It might be balancing a pregnancy after a decade of infertility. It might mean moving into the uncharted territory of adoption/foster care. Either way, the rope comes to an end on Sunday. Right now I feel a calm about that, but I can feel some anxiety starting to build.

I hope that all of the experiences of the last decade, especially the last year, will help me keep my balance through Sunday and beyond.

*Thank you to all who read and leave comments here. We've kept this FET private in our "real" lives so it means a great deal to have the support of each of you.*

Mountain Sunrise

There is just nothing like watching the sunrise over the mountains. Makes me wonder why I choose to live in the flattest part of the country. Each time we visit Colorado, we say we could move here. Maybe someday we will, who knows! Today we leave the beauty of Colorado and close this chapter of our lives for now. Hopefully we will make it back here someday for a true vacation with our children.

I am feeling cautiously optimistic today. I am trying to keep that positive thinking in check, though. I am trying to remember the pain of the last FET as a reminder that things sometimes don't work out. But then I think about the changes we made for this cycle and the positive aspects of it all. I want this to work more than anything. I also need to protect myself. It's as if I am walking a tightrope right now. If I lean too far to the positive, I might fall. If I lean to the negative, I will fall too. It's a delicate balance. Thank goodness I only have to keep my balance for a week.

To add to the crazy "signs" we've had here in Denver- Last night Chris and I went to PF Changs for dinner. (Love me some lettuce wraps!) We had a nice dinner and really talked about where we go from here. That's another post all together. We got the bill and our fortune cookies. Here's what mine said, " Welcome to the change that will soon be coming to your life" and Chris' said "Remember three months from this date! Your lucky star is shining." Who knows what that could mean... And let's be honest, fortune cookies can be interpreted to mean anything...

Maybe there is some symbolism to that mountain sunrise. The mountains are strong and powerful forces, but the sunshine always comes over them, blanketing them in the golden light. Is it finally time for us to see the light over the mountains?

Bedrest Day 2

I might be going crazy. Not really, but this bedrest stuff is making me a little nuts. At first lounging in bed for 48 hours sounds like heaven. But when you've already finished a book, watched movies, and surfed the net (all while raising your head no more than 45 degrees) it doesn't quite feel like heaven!

Hoping one of these little embryos are making themselves nice and comfy during this time. I am a little worried about my progesterone levels as they had me do my PIO at 7 am yesterday and then not again until our usual time at 9 tonight. I am also on the endometrium and have stayed on that regular dosing schedule. We've also added the oral estrogen. I have never had low estrogen, so that makes me wonder...

As Chris and I were having our communicables drawn again (Don't get me started on that) the tech reveals that we have over a $960 CREDIT on our account?! She couldn't apply the credit to his charge, but was able to apply it towards my blood work. Um, why didn't I know anything about this?! We still had to pay the entire fee for the FET yesterday before I knew about the credit. You better bet I will be calling the business office on Monday about this. The thing that bugs me is that if I *owed* them that amount, they would be all over collecting that from me. However, no one has called to say, "Hey we have an extra $960 that we owe you." The silver lining- the costs were LESS than what we anticipated. Chris had budgeted $700 EACH for communicables (It is really just over that for BOTH of us). So in the end we spent only $360 of the $1500 or so he had budgeted. (We still had to pay the entire $2500 to FLC as well as $1500 to CC.RM)

Typing on my side is proving to be challenging so I will end this post for now. Hoping that DH will let me get out of the hotel tomorrow afternoon for a short trip before we make our flight on Monday. Now the big decision is what we will have for dinner...

Transfer Complete

Just a short post... I have lots to say, but wanted to update.

Transfer went well. Embryologist said the embyros thawed perfectly and actually looked like fresh embryos! He said you couldn't tell that they had been frozen.

Had some drama with my blood pressure being very elevated. Two valium still didn't knock me out. Was really looking forward to enjoying the valium! :(

Progesterone levels were great, but estrogen was low. Chris is off at Target to pick up oral estrogen to add to the mix. It's never dull...

Hoping to get some sleep this afternoon. Will post more later.

Thanks for all the good wishes... I sure felt them!

Ramblings

It's early. Had to wake up DH to give me my PIO this morning at 7 am per the instructions from the nurse. He is now back in a wonderful slumber. I couldn't do it. Knowing that I will be "confined" to the bed for most of the weekend made me want to jump out as soon as I could! I am really not looking forward to the bed rest at all, but it is part of the deal and I will be a good girl. :)

I am trying to decide if the universe is mocking Chris & I. We got the the rental car place and it was very busy. I was thrilled that there were some nice comfy chairs for me to wait in while Chris stood in line waiting for his turn. There is the Great American Brew Festival going on here in Denver (Boy do I wish I could be doing that instead of being in bed for the next two days!) They were out of mid size cars it appears. One can only guess that most of the people in town for such an event wanted similar cars to the one we booked. Chris comes over from the counter and tells me that they have given us a Town & Country. Poor man didn't realize that this was a... MINI VAN. Yep, we are driving a mini van around Denver this weekend. It is a little funny when you stop back and think about us driving up to CC.RM in a mini van.

And then we get to the hotel, and we are given our room keys. Both keys are covered in pictures of Dora the Explorer & Sponge Bob promoting their kids stay free program. Really?!

So.... is the universe mocking us? If I believed in signs I might consider that these are good signs. But I stopped believing in all that a LONG time ago.

We had a nice dinner at Maggi.ano's last night. They have a great deal where you order a classic pasta for $12.95 and then get a second one of your choice to take home. It works out great for us- we now have lunch for today and probably tomorrow! We even had left overs from the dishes we ordered for dinner. Nothing like a little comfort food before a life changing event, huh?

While we were at dinner, the embryologist called and wanted us to verbally confirm that we wanted our embryos thawed. I thought about asking some questions about my embryos, and then decided not to. At this point, there is nothing I can do and I just have to let it go. What will be, will be...

I am starving, so I think I will attempt to rouse Chris so we can get some breakfast!

Leaving on a jet plane...

We'll be heading to the airport in about an hour. There is a nasty thunderstorm here now, but it should pass before we need to leave.

Bags are packed, house is relatively clean, and my nerves are a little bit of a mess.

Transfer is set for 12:45 TOMORROW.

Please keep us in your thoughts today. I need a special prayer for my poor DH as I can be a bit intense when I am anxious. Hoping he has plenty of patience for me today as we travel to Denver.

I couldn't believe when I looked at the weather forecast for Denver. It will be much warmer there than it is here in Chicago. Too bad I won't be enjoying much of it.

Thank you all for your amazing support in this process. I really don't know where I would be if it weren't for the "virtual" support group we all provide for each other. I am so grateful that I have all of you cheering for me! It's going to be a LONG two weeks from here, and I am going to need all the good thoughts I can get.

HOLY CRAP!

I am actually getting on a plane tomorrow and heading to Denver. How did this all happen?!

Still waiting to hear from CCRM as to when my transfer will be on Friday.

Reality of this is making me a little crazy right now.

It's strange to think that the path of my life will change drastically in a matter of weeks. The outcome of a single event is going to change where we head. That is weighing heavily on me tonight.

Lesson plans took me FOREVER to finish tonight. So thankful for the amazing woman who will be my sub while I am gone. I know my kiddos are in good hands.

Haven't even started to pack. Guess I should consider doing that since we have to leave the house at 9:30 tomorrow morning.

Can you believe I am actually going through with this?!

Checkpoint #3

I had a final blood test this morning to check my progesterone levels. This time we are using the PIO and one endometrium. Levels were supposed to be over 20, but were only at 19.7. Not horrible, but not great so we are adding two more endometrium. The nurse originally said to add one more, but I asked to just add the two. She said there is no such thing as too much progesterone at this point and was fine with me doing three a day and the PIO. I have always felt that low progesterone was one of my issues. We had the drop in progesterone the day of transfer last time, and I have always wondered if that had some impact on our BFN.

So, back to endometrium 3 x a day (not my favorite thing in the world by FAR- just feel gross all the time...) and PIO. I only have 7 days worth of endometrium at this rate, so I will have to refill that too. What's another $60 copay at this point? (I know I am lucky that I have insurance coverage for it at all!)

We should hear from CC.RM tomorrow as to when the FET will be on Friday. We have a noon flight on Thursday. I need to finish lesson plans tonight and start thinking about packing. I had high hopes of getting some apple crisp made tonight too... we shall see!

It is so strange to think that one "event" can change the direction of my life. This FET and eventual beta will shape what the rest of my life will be. Pretty scary thought!

Enough of that talk... must get something done!

Update on Antihistamine Protocol

My nurse emailed me this morning. (Have I mentioned how much I adore her?!) She said it is Dr G that is using the antihistamine protocol, but that Dr Sch is using it with a few patients. They don't have any hard research on whether or not it is effective, but they are willing to let me add it in. I am going to go for it. I don't think it can hurt at this point.

I won't go into too many details, but I will start taking claritin, prilosec, & prednisone tomorrow and if will continue on these three meds through 8 weeks of pregnancy. (How scary it was to write that last part....) Still waiting on the exact dosages and schedule but am glad I decided to add this in.

On a non-IF note, we spent the morning with some of my co-workers apple picking. We had a GREAT time and enjoyed the sunshine and 80 degree weather. I now have a ton of apples, apple cider, & apple donuts. Yumm-o! Now we are watching some football (Go Bears!) and I need to get some grading and plans done for the coming week.

Have a great day!

antihistamine protocol?

So I was doing some light reading last night and came across some information about an antihistamine protocol that CC.RM is using. I am wondering if it would work for me and if it is too late for this transfer?! Why do I always seem to discover things too late? Sent an email off to my nurse in the hopes that she is working this weekend and can get back to me. The drugs seem to be low risk and I would really like to add them in.

Darn it, I wanted no regrets with this. I guess my heart is more into this cycle than my head is.

Can anyone shed any light on the antihistamine protocol? What meds and when they are taken? I asked Dr Sch at our regroup if there was anything we could add to assist with what appears to be implantation failure and I was told he would do the same protocol. Sometimes I hate that you have to advocate so much for yourself in all of this... even at the top clinic in the country.

What happened to the overwhelming peace I was feeling about all of this?!

Checkpoint #2

Still haven't heard from CC.RM, but I am pretty sure things are good to go. (My regular nurse is off today, so I am at the mercy of my "back-up" nurse who isn't as diligent as my regular nurse.)

My favorite nurse was in at the local clinic today so that made the blood draw easy. The u/s tech.. that's another story. It wasn't too bad once she figured out what she needed to do. She was confused because I had an official chart from them, but there were no orders from the local clinic. I had to explain everything to her AGAIN. I finally told her I just need her to look at the lining- and tell me if it is over 8 and if there is a triple stripe. She had a hard time locating my ovaries again. (And exactly why she needed to measure them so thoroughly I am not sure...) She then proceeded to tell me that they have great stats at this clinic and I could always try another cycle with them if this doesn't work. If she only knew that the RE there wrote me off 5 years ago! They don't want me on their stats!

So, in the end I did learn that my lining was in fact over 8 and a nice triple stripe pattern. Waiting for the confirmation from CC.RM that all is a go and to find out what my Estrogen level was. I also need some clarification on the instructions for the PIO as my calendar I have still has the suppositories listed. I am pretty sure I know the dosage, but it would be nice to know for sure. I hate being at the mercy of nurses. I think that is one of the things that I dislike most about this whole process.

It hit me last night that I am really doing this. One week from today we will have completed what I really feel will be our final transfer. I am looking forward to finally having the closure I have so desperately yearned for over the past year. I don't know what that closure is going to look like, but I can feel it coming.

Hoping I hear from a nurse tonight... and if not that MY nurse is working this weekend and I will be able to contact her.

Update: Just heard from the nurse. She was very kind, so I take back any ill feelings I had earlier. Estrogen was 542, lining was at 8.7 with triple stripe, so all systems are GO. Two more days of lup.ron and then we add progesterone on Sunday. PIO and Endometrium this time so hopefully that will do the trick. Nurse also told me that the three nurses that work together (including her, my nurse, & another) are on a pregnancy streak so she has a good feeling about my cycle. Might just have a little hope creeping in here...

But then I remember the FET in January. Everything was perfect at this point, too. And we all know how that turned out.

Coming to the end...

It's amazing how much your perspective can change in just a short 9 months. (yep, the irony of the 9 months time frame isn't lost on me!) Nine months ago I was excited about embarking on our FET and had such high hopes. I was so very SURE that I would finally get the holy grail of IF- the BFP. I was so cocky that I even thought I would get the 2 for 1 deal of twins. (Yes, I realize twins are not the ideal outcome of IVF, but after a decade of IF having twins seemed like a dream)

Here we are 9 months later. (This FET will be said and done before the EDD of our January cycle. Not sure if that is a good thing or not...) My perspective couldn't be farther from the hopeful bliss of the last cycle. I do have some hope of this working and I sure do dream of finally getting our miracle. But the reality of a decade of BFN is weighing heavily on my heart.

I always wondered how I would know that I was done with treatment. I had heard of women who had "crossed over" from treatment. I felt so driven for so many years that I just couldn't imagine not continuing on. We took several years off from treatment, but I always knew that we would continue at some point. I am so thankful that I found a therapist who was able to guide me back into treatment and helped me find CC.RM. I do not regret one moment of the last year and doing our final IVF there. (I do wish we had made our way there sooner, but that is another story all together)

I have come to the realization that I am close to being done. This will most likely be our final treatment cycle. Sitting in the waiting room of our local clinic, it just hit me. I've done this for a decade and it's time to be done. The pain and loss has become too much. I've done all that I can do at this point. I am at peace with this. I really am- at least as much as I can.

We've been pretty laid back with this cycle as a result. I won't say that we are just going through the motions, but we are not obsessing about the details either. We've been late on a few shots, and I have had a few adult beverages over the past few weeks. I've even enjoyed a few cups of decaf coffee. It is what it is.

Friday is the next checkpoint. Not looking forward to making the mad dash to the local clinic and then to school. I am not a fan of the local u/s tech either. However, I am glad that things are moving along and hopefully we'll have our miracle at the end of all of this.

Checkpoint #1

Today was checkpoint #1.

Estrogen needed to be over 50.

It was over 100. All systems go.

Checkpoint #2 next Friday.

Longer post coming sometime this weekend.

Hope you are all enjoying the last moments of summer.

Here we go again...

I was utterly shocked when AF showed up just as scheduled on Thursday. She's here with a vengeance, which makes sense when you consider she was last here in June. So, I guess I am really doing this FET.

First Vivell.e patch in place this morning. First monitoring on Friday. As of now, all systems are a go for the transfer on Sept 17th.

Here we go....

Paperwork...

I am always amazed at the amount of paperwork required to complete any cycle with CCR.M. My nurse emailed me all of our consents and such today. I think DH and I signed our names at least 6 times each. I had to confirm that I am waiving the clamid.iya test. Yep, I am good with that. Don't think that is one thing I need to worry about at this point! (We've been screened in the past, and there is no way that our status could have changed... let's just leave it at that!)

I also need to have some blood work done locally- CBC and TSH are both over a year old by the time of our FET. I can do those locally thank goodness. Looks like I will be spending my Saturday morning at the local hospital lab. Good times! We are also required to have our communicables testing redone.... both of us. This can only be done at their lab, which is out of network for both of us and they require full payment ahead of time. I know it is an FDA requirement of some sort, but it just doesn't make much sense why Chris needs to have it repeated. He isn't providing any new "materials" to the process. Oh well, what choice do we have?!

I ordered my progesteron.e this evening and that should be here by Friday. I have patches left from last time, so no need to order those this time. I have to pick up the oral meds at Tar.get this weekend and then I think we are all set. I guess we really are doing this. Of course we need to get our financials in order, and DH worked on that today. It's hard to swallow the fact that I feel we are really just throwing $5000 in the wind. Even after all these years, it is just hard to swallow the amount of money we've invested. I am so VERY blessed to have some insurance coverage and we would NEVER have been able to do all of the cycles we've done without it.

The last thing I need to do is schedule the local monitoring appointments. I am also very fortunate to have a local clinic and a caring nurse there who is willing to work with me. I just have to call and she gets me in. :)

Work has finally begun on our home. It's been more than 2 months since the storm that caused all of the damage. I am excited about the changes we are making and look forward to having it done. Hopefully we will be ALL done by the end of next week. It will be really nice to have our house in some sense of order before we head to Denver!

First week of School

I always seem to forget how utterly exhausting the first week of school is. My body just has a really hard time adjusting to being "on" for 7+ hours a day. I love my job and am so very glad to be back in the routine that school brings. But with that routine also comes the stress of a new school year. I am constantly thinking of things that I need to be doing. So far, I think I am going to really like my students this year. They have lots of personality... which can be a mixed blessing for sure.

Last fall, I was focused on our upcoming IVF and put most of my energy into that. While I am sure none of my students suffered, I know I could have been a better teacher. I didn't give my students 110% last year. I didn't have it to give. I needed to step back and focus on our IVF. I do NOT regret that decision at all. I did what was best for me at the time and while I didn't end up with my BFP, I am happy I did the IVF. However, in the end I felt like a double failure. Our IVF failed, and I felt that I had failed my students and myself as an educator.

This year is different. While I am currently preparing for our final FET, I am not focusing my energies solely in that direction. I have committed myself to my teaching once again, and am going to do everything in my power to be the best teacher I can be. I am going to try new things and put the extra hours necessary. (Of course changes in staffing have also cost me my assistant and added new responsibilities as well). I need to feel the success in the area of my life I have the most control- my classroom.

I have so many emotions about starting the prep for this final FET. I really feel that this will be our final treatment cycle. It's been more than 10 years and it is time to close this door. While I will be thrilled if this FET does in fact work and we finally get our miracle, I am also ready to be done. That is another post all together.

I also heard through the grapevine that Dr Sch is no longer using Fema.ra/Let.rozale as a treatment for the missing Beta3 Protein. I don't know what this means, but it does make me wonder if there is something to my feelings about the FET in January. I always felt that the drug was not as effective. I am sure that CCRM won't ever "admit" that this is the case. I wish I had listened to the little voice and done the Dep.ot in January. As with all infertility decisions, hindsight is always 20/20. You would think I would have learned this during the past decade! Anyway, this news confirms my decision to do the Dep.ot Lu.pron this time around. (It might even have given me a little smidge of hope....)

Time for Lupro.n injection #2....

What a difference a year makes...

A year ago, I was finally stepping back into the treatment world. It had literally taken months of therapy just to get the nerve to call CC.RM for the consult. We had been burned so badly in the past that the thought of taking that initial step scared the crud out of me.

After our phone consult, I felt hopeful again. We were making some progress towards closing this door and moving on. While my hope was to of course get pregnant, I also needed closure so that I could move on regardless. We did our one day work up and I felt even more hopeful. Dr Sch is not known for being overly positive, but he gave us excellent odds of finding success. We moved ahead with our final IVF with CC.RM and with each passing day, we became more hopeful. We had a good cycle, and ended up with 7 blasts to test. Surely 7 is a lucky number! (How did I manage to slip back to the girl who believed in lucky numbers?!)

And then we found out that three of our blasts were perfectly normal. I was a little less hopeful, as I really wanted more. But I was assured by Dr Sch that our chances were GREAT and that he felt we would have a successful pregnancy. He even warned us about twins! I let my guard down and I dreamed about those twins. I imagined what our life would be like. Everything pointed to this process ending in a blissful pregnancy, possibly even with twins.

Our FET went perfectly. Literally... perfectly! Everything went just as planned. Blood levels, ulstrasounds, the transfer itself... all perfect. (Ok, one exception with progesterone being too low on transfer day) EVERYONE seemed to think this was going to work.

It didn't.

And I still don't have any answers... or a sense of closure.

So here we are one year later going through the motions of what I *really* feel will be our last treatment cycle. One more cycle of bloodwork, ultrasounds, hope, pain, stress, injections, tears, and hopefully closure at the end.

I want this cycle to work. I want this FET to finally bring us our miracle pregnancy. I really do.

I don't think that is going to happen. There, I said it. I don't think it is going to work.

I will be heartbroken. And I know that there is no more that my body and soul can take.

So here we go, final FET cycle. Please prove me wrong.