Risks

The moment pictured above almost gave me a heart attack.  My little man was in his element and screaching with joy.  And yet, this momma was terrified.  Somehow I think this isn't the last time we'll have such conflicting emotions at the same time.  I'm pretty sure my boy is a natural risk taker.  And let's face it, after the years of loss and heartache we went through to become his parents, I'd like to skip any risk taking at all.

The photo was taken at the Raleigh airport.  They have an amazing observation deck that allows kids and adults to see the planes take off and land.  We had just dropped Daddy off to head home and we stopped here for a few minutes with our friend Davis.  This is a regular stop for Davis and Beverly.  The deck is about one story off the ground, and has the protective railing you see in the photo.  Quinn was so excited to see the planes and to jump and run on the platform.  At one point he even dangled his foot through the railing.  It was at that moment that I am pretty sure my heart stopped for a moment.  Taking the photo you see here was about as far away from him.

My heart would like to wrap him in a bubble forever.  My brain knows that he has to learn to explore the world and take risks.  He's going to get hurt and he needs to know that I will be there to dust him off and encourage him to try again.  He's had his share of bumps and bruises already- the joys of early walking.  It's not the little things that worry me- it's the big things.  As I saw him dangle his foot, my brain knew he wouldn't fall, but my heart immediately went to the worst case of him falling to the ground.  The same is true when he races to the big kid playground equipment and climbs to the top.  (That would be a lot easier if the would take the slides down instead of insisting on climbing back down!)

While I am sure all parents have these worries, I think those of us who have dealt with infertility feel it with a different set of lenses.  I spent years preparing myself for the worst possible scenario as we went into each new treatment cycle or adoption situation.  It was easier to mentally prepare for the worst and then be surprised if the worst didn't happen.  Of course, we had too many times where the worst did happen.  It's a mind set that I keep using in every situation that has a potential to be challenging.  It has served me well at times, but I fear it is now tainting my parenting. 

So it's all about balance.  I can't change my internal protective shield, but I can change the way I express it to Quinn.  I'm working on quieting that screaming heart racing lunatic in my heart, and keeping her tucked safely in my soul.  I don't want to be a helicopter parent, and more than anything I worry about sheltering him too much.  He's already got to deal with having older parents and being an only child.  I don't want to fall into the stereotypes those two categories often perpetrate. I want him to take risks and learn and grow, and I hope that I can also learn and grow as I watch him.

Anyone else having the same struggle?  Thoughts?

Life with a Toddler

Life with a toddler is intense.  It's amazing and wonderful, but intense.  I don't think I was prepared for just how intense life would be.  This little face lights up my world, but also drains just about every drop of my energy each day.  I wouldn't trade a moment, but this momma is running on fumes most of the time.

Quinn is now 16 months old and in constant motion.  He's 27 lbs and 33 inches, so most people expect him to be closer to 18 months when they ask how old he is.  His gross motor skills are off the charts.  He's not only walking, but running just about everywhere.  He loves climbing and wants no part of the little kid playground stuff- he goes right to the big kid steps.  However, he wants no part of slides, so getting down from the top of said playground equipment is often interesting!

He's talking, but still has a rather limited vocabulary.  He uses one word, "da" for about 100 different things, so you have to know the context to know what he wants.  He still hasn't called me momma, but says Daddy and doggy regularly.  My friends with boys tell me this is very normal, and once they start saying momma they won't stop... ever.  He seems to be getting a little frustrated lately, as it is clear he knows what he wants but doesn't have the words to share his desires with us.  He's still in the range of normal development here- so we're not worried.  We'd just like for him to use words rather than the screams he's currently using.  :)

Thankful that I am now on summer vacation, and have some time to figure out some systems and spend some much needed quality time with my boys.  We  spent some time with good friends in Raleigh and I managed my first flight solo with Quinn.  We spent last weekend with our high school age swimmers on a travel meet to central Wisconsin.  Hoping to have some down time now to just enjoy all that summer has to offer a curious toddler!  We've done two children's museums already, and he's loved each one.  We're hoping to head to the zoo next week.  There's about a million things I want to do with our little guy now that he is big enough to enjoy them!  We also put in a patio and bought some outdoor toys for Quinn.  He wants to be outside as much as he can.  He's a boy after our own hearts!

Trying to find a balance.  Working through some thoughts that I am hoping to write up here soon.  Thank you to all who have reached out to me via email or comments here.  I know I keep saying it, but hopefully I can find time to write here again.  Just like our infertility and adoption journeys, this parenting journey is full of things I need to process and bounce off you!

On the eve of his first birthday...

A year ago, I can only imagine what was happening in Quinn's birthmother's life.  Chris and I were in the throws of daily struggles with M and I was cautiously hopeful that we were going to be parents in a few months.  Little did we know that Q's birthmom had already made a decision that would forever change our life.  It was a few more days until we learned about Quinn, and a few more before he was in our arms, but this sweet boy was about to make his entrance into the world.

I am grateful that we've been able to send monthly updates to her, and hope that she will allow us to continue to do so.  I'm at a loss for words as I write this month's update.  The magnitude of this milestone for all of us weighs heavy on my heart.  I can't imagine our life without Quinn, and I don't know that I will ever be able to understand the decision she made to place with us.  We are forever thankful, and believe with our whole heart that Quinn was the child meant to be in our arms.  We'll spend the rest of our lives making sure he knows how loved and cherished he is- by us and his birthmom.

I have only the emails from her on that first day we learned of Quinn as the documentation of his birth story.  While there's a tiny part of me that is sad I wasn't there to experience his entrance into the world, I also cherish the notion that it was a time for just Quinn and his birthmom.  I don't have a birth story to share- but I do have the story of our weekend in "labor" as we had to move mountains to get him in our arms. 

Tomorrow will be about celebrating this little miracle and his first year on this earth.  But for tonight, I'm going to reflect on the gift of life and the amazing wonder of adoption. 

Saturday morning musings

It's a quiet Saturday morning. There's more snow falling outside, and winter has a firm grip on Chicago this year. Chris was up early to head to the pool for practice, and my sweet boy is still sound asleep. You would think I'd be enjoying the time sleeping as well. My mind has other ideas. 

Quinn is less than two weeks away from turning one. My heart can't even believe it. When I think back to a year ago, we had NO idea how much our life was about to change! We were working closely with M, and the daily stress was starting to get to me. Little did I know that Quinn's birth mom had already made a decision and was preparing to give birth and place with Chris and I. I don't think I'll ever have the capacity to understand the emotion and intent she went through.  I wish that I could meet her and give her a hug, but that us not what her wishes include. I have so much love and respect for a woman I've never met and I will spend the rest of my life being grateful for this amazing woman. I only hope that I can instill the same sense of love and respect in Quinn.  

This parenting stuff is far from easy, and adoptive parenting adds another dimension. I want my son to grow up to be a kind and strong soul who makes an positive impact on the world. I can only hope that the decisions we've made in this first year have started to lay a foundation for just that. 

Listening to the sounds of him waking in the nursery makes my heart swell and also means my quiet musings will have to end here for today.