You would think that hearing the news that a friend is pregnant would get easier... especially after 7 years of hearing those words. It doesn't. It stings a little more each time and chips away another piece of my heart.
While I am very happy for her, my heart breaks. She is one more person who has been given the gift of life, the ability to bring a miracle into this world. One more person who has the one thing that I want more than anything in the world... to know that life is growing within her and that she and her husband have created a life that will be a manifestation of their love for one another. I don't think jealousy is the right word to describe my emotion right now. It's just not the right word, the right connotation. Jealousy implies that I would take what they have... and I would never take the ability to have a child from anyone. No woman should feel this emptiness and sorrow. Jealousy also implies a childness or a selfishness. I don't feel that this feeling is either of those things. In fact, I think its the opposite.
I was talking to someone today about how I just feel that our life is in limbo. I need to be proactive, but somehow I am frozen and can't move from this place of limbo. I need to take the step... I am not going to just wake up one morning and be pregnant. I am not going to be able to naturally conceive and there is a good probability that I will never be able to carry a child at all. We need to decide where we are at with all of this. Are we going to pursue another adoption? Are we going to look into surrogacy? I just don't know what the answer is now. But I need to do something. I can't just assume that something else is going to fall into our laps. That doesn't happen. The stork isn't going to deliver a healthy baby to our door.
But for tonight, I will have my little pity party. I am allowed to feel sorry for myself. I've earned it. I've tried to have faith, I've tried to be positive. It just hasn't worked out that way. I just don't understand. Is it that we wouldn't make good parents? Is it that we aren't meant to have children? I am not ready to accept either of those ideas. Sure, we have our faults. But so do many of the parents I know... including my own! How can we be so good at our jobs that revolve around children if we weren't meant to have children of our own? Why have we been given this strong desire to bring a child into this world if we are just not meant to? I have to believe that God has a plan for us and that children are a part of that. I just have to believe that.
Oh... and there are TWO of them.... two more pregnant women in my daily life.
I came across this on a message board I visit. I did a little research on this an was infuriated the more I read about what the producers at the Tyra Banks show chose to do. Please read the information (It may take a few times as the text moves quickly...)
