52

I'm still a little pregnant.  Ugh.  HCG is at 52 as of this morning.  I have to go back again next Tuesday. 

I just want this to be over already. 

Hoping it's just one more week.  Why is it that my body seems to hang on when it isn't supposed to?  Why couldn't we have had this kind of resolution back before it decided to miscarry yet another pregnancy?! 

Still feeling tired and a little achy.  I haven't spoken to CC.RM or to the actual RE at the local clinic since the first day.  As much as I whine here, you would think I would do something about it.  But I haven't.

Today was the first day of summer school.  It was a hot mess as the admin in charge isn't the most organized.  Only 14 more days to go.  And the money is good, so it is worth it.  At least that's what I am telling myself right now. 

Off to be creative... I need some kind of pick me up after this day!

Art Journal Pages

It's been a long week... but school is officially out for the summer!  While I start summer school on Tuesday, I am still getting into the summer groove. 

I am taking an online art journal workshop by Christy Tomlinson.  It was just what I needed after months of creative drought and the stress of school and our miscarriages.  Chris is at a swim meet this weekend, and the weather here in Chicago is ugly this weekend.  So I took advantage and spent most of the weekend so far in my studio watching class videos and creating.  The class is called Three Hearts and it is based on the idea that we have three hearts that we share.  One with the world, one with our family, and one with ourself.  The class is heavy on techniques, but also on journalling ideas.  This is my first attempt at an art journal, and I am LOVING it.  Breaking out supplies I haven't used in a long time (if ever) to create. 

Here are some of the pages I've created so far...

Neverending Saga

I had labs again this morning as part of the "follow up" to my surprise miscarriage.  I am a little concerned that my levels aren't dropping fast enough.  The local RE who is monitorning all of this doesn't seem too concerned.  I just want this all to be over so I can go back to my not-so normal life.  :)

Here's my HCG levels this miscarriage:
5/11- 1200
5/13- 934
5/16- 600
5/23- 193

We have no idea how far along I was or if this pregnancy was ectopic.  The ultrasound on 5/11 showed no sign of anything in the uterus.  I was never on ANY medication, so this is all my body all on its own.  I am worried that there is something somewhere that isn't going to resolve itself. 

With my miscarriage in October after our FET, I was at 0 by three weeks after the initial drop.  I started much higher, but dropped much quicker.   I was still on meds through the biggest drops.

Here's the numbers from October:
10/4 3341 (before m/c)
10/8 2000 (after bleeding started)
10/11 400 (stop meds)
10/13 181
10/18 29
10/25 0

So maybe it's not that far off at this point?  I think I am going to call CC.RM and talk to my nurse to see what she says.  I have had this all managed by the local RE and not sure he is fully "invested" in my treatment since I am not an official patient.  (I was in the past, thus the reason they agreed to see me) 

The other issue- It's the last week of school and honestly I don't have time to deal with this.  I may also call tomorrow and ask to talk with one of my trusted nurses at the local RE and see what her thoughts are. 

Anyone have any thoughts?  At what point do I ask for a repeat u/s?

I am exhausted.  I don't know if it's the miscarriage, the end of the school year, allergies, or a combo of all three.  I just need to make it to the weekend! 

May ICLW

Welcome to all of you who are visiting for ICLW (and my regular readers, too!)

If this is your first time here, you can see our basic story by clicking on the timeline tab above.  We've been at this for more than a decade now, and are really hopeful that we will finally welcome home a baby through a domestic infant adoption.  We are homestudy approved, and are working to get our marketing materials together.  We're doing things on our own, as I am a bit of a control freak. 

Most recently we've had a surprise pregnancy and miscarriage last week.  We're still trying to figure it all out.  There was some concern that it was an ectopic pregnancy initially, but we are pretty sure we are in the clear.  My levels are dropping, and I am hopeful for a nice low number when I go in for labs on Monday.  We'd like to move forward, and feel that we need to get to an official beta of zero before doing that. 

I'm a middle school special education teacher and this is our last week of school.  It's been a busy few weeks and it will be nuts until the end.  While I am excited for the end of the school year, I am honestly a little sad to see this group of students move on.  I've grown quite attached to them.  My husband is a swim coach and his season is just starting up as my year winds down. 

Looking forward to getting to "meet" some new bloggers this week! 

Favorite Photos from Photo Shoot

We got our CD from our friend yesterday.  I thought I'd interrupt all of the miscarriage posts with one full of my favorite photos.  Some of these are for our profile, and others I love for other things.  I've narrowed it down to 5 of my favorites for our main profile photo- I'll post about that later.  There's also some fun outtakes courtesy of Romeo that I'll share in another post too. 

So for now, here are some of my favorite photos for your viewing pleasure....

Take Cover!

I can sense that the meltdown is imminent.  However, I do not have time for a meltdown right now.  I have so much to get done over the next 8 school days.  Chris' birthday is tomorrow.  He has a huge meet that his swim team is hosting this weekend.  And I am a walking time bomb.

As I've shared the news of the recent events with a few close friends, they've been as shocked by the whole thing as we have been.  They've also told me how strong they think I am.  I laugh and shrug it off.  What else can I do right now?  I have to put on my big girl panties and move forward.  But all I really want to do right now is curl into a ball and hide from the world for a few days- or weeks.  I was doing fine until today, really I was. 

I have to imagine part of it all is the raging mess of hormones in my system right now.  Apparently my bre.asts didn't get the memo that we're not really pregnant.  They are swollen and sore today.  It took four different shirts before I was comfortable this morning.  I still have a nagging ache in my right ovary.  (Wondering if I have a cyst.  Might have to get that checked out)  I am exhausted.  I find myself yawning all day long, which doesn't bode well for student productivity! I just want to feel good again.

My team also threw a shower for our pregnant coworker today.  I did my part in making the card for our gift, but that is all I can muster right now.  I know a few people had opinions about my lack of participation or attendance.  I just don't really care.  I had several students who had to stay after school today anyway, so I couldn't have attended if I wanted to.  As much as I want to say that I am ok about the shower, it still hurts.  If I hadn't miscarried in October, I would have been due in a few weeks, and there would also be a shower happening for me.  But we all know how that all turned out.  I am healing and each day is easier.  Of course this "bonus" miscarriage right at the time of my original due date is just adding a smidge of salt to the wound. 

I have to allow myself some grace, here.  Just writing that last sentence made me realize all that we've been through.  Maybe I am strong after all.  :)

So I just need to figure out how to get through the rest of this week without having a complete meltdown.  I need to respect Chris' birthday tomorrow even though I really don't feel like celebrating right now.  He's stressed and I am a hormonal mess.  That's just not a good combo in our house!  I thought about going to get a pedicure after work today but just didn't do it.  I think I've earned a little treat after the last week!

But for now I have to get grades done.  Writing this post has helped ease some of the tension... so if you are still reading... thank you!

Still dropping...

Thankfully my HCG levels are still dropping.  Today's level was just over 600, so it is still dropping.  I was hoping for a faster drop like last time, but I'll take it I guess.  It's funny how once again perspective changes. I don't have to go back to the RE until Monday for a repeat beta.

Last time, Dr Sch had me on antibiotics with my miscarriage.  I think this was done before we knew it was a miscarriage and I was just bleeding.  Do I need to be on them this time?  I keep meaning to ask.  Is that a normal thing? 

Thank you for all of your kind comments on my last few posts.  It means the world to me.  Even my closest friends can't really understand where I am at right now.  (Heck, I don't even really know where I am right now!)  But all of you know just what to say.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Thankful that I am really busy with school.  Only 9 more days in this school year!

What a difference a week makes!

Last Sunday it was sunny and warm.  Chris and I were feeling really good about our adoption journey and feeling like we were finally on the path we were meant to be on.  We enjoyed a ride on the motorcycle and enjoyed the day together.  All felt right with the world.

Today it is freezing... not even 50 degrees here.  Chris is at a swim meet today and I am home still trying to physically heal from the miscarriage.  I am hurting physically and emotionally.  How can we be so far from where we were just 7 days ago?

Thank you for all of your sweet comments and messages of support.  I am so very thankful for this community of amazing women who know just what to say and how to say it.  I am dreading my return to work tomorrow when I have to decide what to explain about my absence last week.  We've been open about our adoption journey and I just don't even know how to explain what happened this week.  Hell, I don't even understand it myself.  Part of me feels like I am betraying our adoption plan just by being sad about this miscarriage.  But it happened, and I can't just pretend it didn't. 

My mind is full of questions right now.  How in the heck did I manage to get pregnant in the first place?  I cringe at the thought that we probably got pregnant on vacation.  Yep, we're THOSE people.  All those years of fertility treatments... what a waste... we just needed to take a vacation like people told us!  Hmph! 

And when did I actually miscarry?  There wasn't any sign of anything in the uterus on Wednesday, and yet my HCG was almost 1200.  What does that mean?  If I can get pregnant on my own, is there some way to support the pregnancy?  Or am I destined to repeat this pregnancy/miscarriage cycle over and over?  Do I get a consult with a Dr?  Do I call Dr Sch at CC.RM and get his take on this latest development?  Do I get a consult with the local RE who has been managing this for me now?  Do I go get a consult with a Reproductive Immunologist? 

Or do I heal from this physically and then move on. We've got our homestudy.  We're close to signing with an attorney.  Our website is almost complete.  We have our photos done.  Do we move forward with the adoption and hope that I don't miscarry again in the meantime?

I don't know what the answers are.  I don't know that I will ever know.  I am furious that we are once again in this place.  I was FINALLY feeling really good about our adoption journey and really hopeful that we would finally after more than 11 years, have our child. 

I go back for repeat labs tomorrow morning. The bleeding has just about stopped but I am still having some pain.  It's strange- almost like I feel right before egg retrieval, a full feeling at times.  At other times it's just an ache as if I had some abdominal trauma.  It's not sharp or intense, but it is definitely worse after I've been up and doing things.  I haven't done too much this weekend knowing that the week ahead is going to be crazy with work.  Only 10 more days of school left!

Sorry for the rambling post, but as you can imagine my mind is just a mess right now.  Please pray for low numbers tomorrow as a sign that my body is resolving this on its own.  I just don't even want to think about the possibility of having to endure more medical intervention at this point. 

We interrupt this adoption journey for...

a miscarriage

Yep, you read that right.  I’m a little pregnant right now, but not in a good way.  There is a possibility that this is more than a miscarriage and is an ectopic pregnancy.  Repeat labs tomorrow will give us more information.

Let me back up a little and explain how we got here.  It’s been a whirlwind 48 hours.

I’ve had relatively normal (to me) cycles since the miscarriage in October.  Cycles ranged from 30-50 days or so, but that isn’t unusual for a PCOS girl.  My periods were never quite the same, but again, that is normal for a PCOS girl.

 My last period was on March 24th right before we left for Aruba.  (AF always has great timing!)  And then two weeks ago, I had what I thought was a period.  But she stuck around, and I’ve had spotting/bleeding for the past two weeks.  I had some severe cramping early Monday morning which I thought was really strange considering I thought AF was on its tail end, not starting.  Started bleeding more heavily on Monday night into Tuesday.  For some unknown reason, I decided to take a HPT on Wednesday morning.

It instantly turned positive.  Instantly.  Faster than I have ever seen.  Four letter words flew out of my mouth.  Still bleeding at this point, so I know there is NO WAY that this could be a viable pregnancy.  (of course a tiny part of me had a spark of hope…)

 Called local RE office that I used for monitoring for CC.RM.  Don’t have an OB/Gyn as I never got that far last time.  They of course suggested I call my OB/Gyn.  Didn’t I mention I DON’T have one?!  After doing the math at how far along I “should” be, they decide I need to come in for an ultrasound.  Main RE is not available, but partner is at the satellite office.  I taught the rest of the day, and then left to meet Chris at the distant office.

 Had to explain our story since our chart is not at the local office.  Asks about symptoms and bleeding.  Then proceeds to do ultrasound.  Long silence and lots of movement of the wand.

Nothing in the uterus.   But he doesn’t see anything of concern on ovaries or in tubes.  Three possibilities at this point:  1) early pregnancy that is viable since we don’t really know where I am at, 2) miscarriage has already occurred and my body will resolve on its own, or 3) ectopic pregnancy of an unknown location.

 Labs drawn and sent off.  Results show higher than desired beta at this point- 1198.  Dr is concerned that it is in fact ectopic, as progesterone is only 2.5. 

Repeat labs tomorrow morning.  Praying for LOW beta tomorrow, or at least a decrease from today.  If we have an increase, we are in danger zone.  Even more of a danger zone because both the RE and his partner are out of town for the weekend.

So we’re in limbo for the next 24 hours at least.  I’m pissed.  I don’t want to be at this place.  I feel like every time we make some positive steps on our adoption journey, we are given a hurdle like this.  I am so OVER treatment, but I am finding myself pulled back in once again.  Why is my body doing this?

We are still 110% committed to our adoption plan.  We just have some extra baggage to carry for now, I guess. 


(Post was written yesterday when blogger went down)
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Update: Labs came back with a decrease.. 934 now.  Hoping that's a good sign that everything is going to resolve itself.  Still in some pain, but can relax a little now that we have had this one good sign. 

First Ride of the Season

Thank you for all of the compliments on the sign and the tips for our photos.  We had a great time doing the photos, and I think they turned out great.  I am not thrilled with my hair in them- but hey, I have to worry about something, right?!  I've seen a few sneak peaks from our friend on FB, but will share them here once I have them all. 

It was finally a nice day here yesterday and we took advantage of the nice weather by taking our motorcycle out for the first ride of the season.  People are often surprised that Chris & I own a motorcycle.  I simply LOVE riding on the back of the motorcycle.  There's really nothing like it.  (Before I go further, Chris and I ALWAYS wear our helmets.  We fully believe that helmets should be required for anyone riding)

When we are out on the motorcycle, it's as if the rest of the world doesn't matter. It's just Chris and I taking on the world.  Being a passenger on the motorcycle requires complete faith in the driver.  As the passenger, you have no control over the motorcycle and yet you could cause the driver to lose control.  You have to move together- driver, passenger, and motorcycle.  You have to anticipate the movement at turns and accelerations.  When we are on the motorcycle, I really feel like we are in complete harmony with each other.  It wasn't always this way.  When we first started dating and riding, I didn't always trust him.  I'd lean the wrong way at the wrong time.  But Chris would always compensate and we'd be okay.

When we are out on the road, there isn't much time for talking.  We can talk at stops, but most of the time it's just listening to the sounds around us and taking the time to appreciate the world around us.  We try to take the scenic route most of the time and often end up on country roads.  There's also lots of time to listen to my own thoughts and process whatever is happening in my life.  I never come to any real solutions during this time and most of my thoughts are scattered.  It's as if the wind carries them away and I always end up feeling better by the time we get back home.

There's also a sense of intimacy with riding with someone.  As the passenger you just have to hold on to the driver.  (I suppose you could hold onto the bike itself, but that's hard to do!)  You have no choice other than to put your arms around the driver... something that we both enjoy.  :) 

So, we spent the dreaded holiday having our profile photos taken and then taking the inaugural ride on the motorcycle.  While there were moments of sadness, it was full of hope- and actions that move us forward and closer together. 

Happy NSD!

That's National Scrapbooking Day for those of you who had no clue what I was talking about.  :)

Thanks for all the great suggestions on our photo shoot.  We moved it to tomorrow because the weather is supposed to be nicer (as in no rain and at least 60).

I was inspired by Amy  to make a sign for us to use for our profile photos.  As a papercrafter, I had more than a  few supplies to work with.  I even cut up some paper I had been saving for something special... decided it was time!

After several versions, here is what I came up with.  The photo isn't great as I took it on my phone, but you can get the idea.  Hoping it shows up in the photos tomorrow!

Hoping to scrap at least one page today.  It's been way too long, and it really is my creative escape.  I need to remember that I NEED to do things like this for myself.  :)

Update:

I just took out a photo and made a page... and it felt really good to do it!  I was inspired by an NSD prompt by the amazing and talented Shimelle.  This is Chris and I at his brother's wedding in 1998.  (The brother has since been divorced twice, but that's another story!)
Just decided to do a quick page and NOT over think it... something I need to practice in life in general.  :)

So here it is:

I took the photo with my phone again, so the coloring is a little off.  But I was too excited to share that I didn't want to go get my camera!

Have a wonderful day!

Adoption Profile Photo Questions

We have a talented friend who also happens to be a photographer who has offered to take our photos for our profile.  She wants to do this as her gift to us, and I am so very grateful.  We finally set the date for this weekend.  Hoping that the weather cooperates and we can do some outdoors. 

I am trying hard not to overthink it all.  That's just not easy for me as you can imagine.

Here are the questions running through my mind- I'd love some feedback if anyone has any! :)

1)  What should we wear?  We don't want to be matchy matchy, right?  I am thinking casual jeans/sweaters. (Thank you Chicago weather for still requiring sweaters in MAY!)

2)  Should we try to include Romeo, our lab, in some of the photos?  I've read that sometimes a connection like having a similiar dog can be all that it takes for a match to be started.  He is part of our family and spoiled much like our children will be!  Hoping he can behave, though.

3)  Outdoors or Indoors?  In front of house?  On playground at end of street?

Our friend has taken some great maternity shots and engagement shots, but we are her first adoption profile shots.  Anyone have any suggestions?  Anyone have any links to profiles that they love how they did their photos?  Would love some inspiration!

I can say that I AM doing something in the adoption front by getting these photos taken.  Chris still doesn't really get why we need them, but I think it will be nice to have lots to pick from and maybe even nice to have some professional photos of the two of us anyway, right?

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Things have been better with school the past few days.  I really LOVE teaching and interacting with the kids.  It's all the other crap that comes with teaching these days that really gets me down.  Oh well.  I did almost strangle a child who asked me if I had kids, and when I said no, he replied, "But you are so old."  Yep, gotta love the honesty of middle school boys! 

Only 11 more school days left in the school year!  Yippeeee!

May in a Middle School....

is just plain CRAZY.  While I am so over the rain and cold weather we've had so far this spring, it has kept the spring fever down a little.  However, it still is ridiculous at school.  I feel like I am drowning in all I need to get done before the end of the school year.  Like in THREE WEEKS!  I wish I could be giddy in anticipation of my upcoming summer break, I just want to cry.

It is this craziness that has kept me from posting much here.  I've spent lots of time grading and dealing with ridiculous amounts of assessments and data reports for the end of the year.  I've hardly had any time to myself.  I feel bad for Chris as I am just a miserable person to be around right now. 

I am also feeling the pull of what would have been our due date had we not miscarried in October.  I would have been close to it now.  I know that June 5th is going to be a tough day for me.  I am trying not to dwell on what would have been.  It's been almost 9 months, but dates like this seem to creep up on me.  My therapist tells me it's normal and that it will get much easier once I pass what would have been my due date.  So add that into everything I need to do for school, and I am just a barrel of fun!

I also have the adoption floating around in my head all the time.  There are things that I want and need to do for us to move forward.  But we just don't have the resources- time or money to do it right now.  It is the most important thing in our life right now, and yet it keeps getting pushed to the back.  I keep telling myself that once the school year ends I will be able to focus on it more.  (Even though I am teaching summer school and technology inservices for the entire month of June...)

So for now, I am just trying to do one thing at a time.  As soon as I feel like I am getting ahead something snaps me back.  Today I was feeling super productive and then ended up irritating my eye to the point that the school nurse thought I had scratched my cornea.  (Don't ask how I managed that).  So I had to stop everything I was doing and then go to the eye doctor only to learn that it is just irritated and swollen and NOT scratched.  While I am thrilled it isn't scratched, I wish it hadn't cost me the time and money it did to find that out! 

Ok, enough negative Nelly.  Going to attempt to get more data reports done tonight!