Negative

Nothing more to say

Trying to pass the time

So I am sitting at work trying so hard to pass the time.  On one hand, I just want to know for sure, but on the other hand I am scared to death.  I just don't know how we can handle another negative.  

I have some VERY light spotting... I don't even know if I would call it spotting.  I am hoping this is not a sign that this is the end once again.  I am really trying to stay positive, but it is just so darn hard.

We will know in a matter of hours the direction our lives are headed...

9dp5dt... beta day

Tomorrow is THE DAY

So we will know for sure tomorrow.  Still no spotting... only a few cramps here and there.  Going to the bathroom about every 15 minutes just to "check"  LOL.  24 hours from now, we will know one way or another.  Just have to hold onto the faith for a few more hours....

8dp5dt

Nervous

This is the point in each cycle that I start to get a little nervous. In a few short days, our lives will change forever.  I am hoping and praying that it will be for the better- that we will finally be granted our miracle. 

I am feeling pretty good.  I am very tired, and have noticed some pulling sensations.  I have not really had any cramping as I did with both of the previous two cycles.  I was also spotting by this point on both failures.  I am obsessivly checking each time I go to the bathroom... no sign of anything at this point.  My breasts are still very heavy and sore.  Could this really be it?  Could we finally get some good news on Tuesday?

Chris and I were both so exhausted last night that we fell asleep very early!  We both woke up at 11, and realized we didnt do the PIO.... yikes!  We did it then, and hope and pray that won't affect anything at this point.  We're both just so exhausted from the week.  I always forget how exhausting the first week of school is for me.  It really knocked me on my butt!  Chris is running himself ragged... with the new boss at work who has firing on his mind, its just hard.  He's coaching at a HS as well, and working more than 12 hours a day.  We're both just working so darn hard.... please let this work!

So now we wait.... I was thinking of doing an HPT, but just don't think I can do it.  I will talk to Chris once he wakes up and see what he thinks....

So we are 7dp5dt today... and things are still looking good!

Two on Ice...

We just heard from the RE's office.  They froze two.  So for the first time, we have some embryos on ice.  We really debated on the cut off point... do we freeze one?  two? three?  We knew that we couldn't justify freezing just one... the chances of it making it through the thaw is slim.  I just had a really hard time "discarding" any embryos... so we froze the two we had.  What's another $600 at this point?

Praying we won't have to use those ice babies... and that we will have really good news in just 8 short days...

Two Beautiful Embryos

We've now transfered two beautiful embryos.  It was probably the easiest one yet.  I am very hopeful once again.  The embryos were grade 3 (out of 4).  The RE is very confident that they are great embryos.  Of course the overachiever in me would have loved to have grade 4 embryos!  :-)  They gave us a photo... just makes you realize what a miracle all of this truly is. 

I am taking an extra day of rest at Chris' request.  Today is the first day for teachers to report to school, but I was given permission to miss it.  I will return tomorrow, and students start on Wednesday.  Where did the summer go?

I am hoping that the business of the beginning of the school year will keep my mind occupied as we wait for our beta... when we will find out if this miracle is meant to be.  Just 8 more days....!

Support from Family....

I have often written about some of the struggles I have been dealing with when it comes to my family.  It just never seems to end.  More than anything, I want them to support me and be there for me as I endure yet one more painful procedure in my attempt to become a parent.  Yet, I am reminded once again that they are not capable... and that I am in this alone with my husband.

The retrieval was probably one of the most painful experiences in my life.  I don't know that I have ever been so uncomfortable, scared, and hurt all at one time.  Tuesday afternoon was a nightmare.  All I wanted to do was cry from the pain, and the more I cried, the more it hurt.  It was hard to just get to the bathroom from my bedroom.  Yet, I did it.  And my husband was with me all the way, with the pain in his heart for all that I was going through.  But I didn't feel that I could call anyone in my family.  I just didn't have the strength to hear what THEY had going on that was of course so much worse than I am enduring.

On Wednesday, Chris had to return to work.  That left me home alone.  That meant that I only ate what I could scrounge around here.  (should have gone to the grocery store last week!) or what he would bring home when he finally returned.  It meant that anything that I needed, I had to get.  No big deal, right?  It sure would have been nice to be able to call someone in my family to come and sit with me, or even bring me some light lunch.  But I didn't feel that I could do that.  Didn't feel that they could fit it into the schedule.

But of course I get the call from Mom on Wednesday that my sister is in trouble.  My sister needs me... ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  I have just endured the most painful experience in my life without any help from them, and now here I am being asked to help.  Mom went on and on about Robin, and when she finally paused, I calmly reminded her that I just had surgery and have spent the last two days in bed on narcotics! 

A small part of me is really sad for my sister... nobody should have to go through what she is facing. However, there is a thing called self-preservation.  I can't handle the extra stress of dealing with her issues right now.  This is the best chance we have for this IVF to work... and I don't want ANYTHING to jeopardize it.  Why can't anything ever be about me?  (Boy does that sound selfish!) 

I was very angry yesterday.  Feeling better today.  Taking a stand for myself once again.  For myself, for Chris, and our embryos... I have no choice!

ER is over... and we have 10 Embryos to prove it!!!

Its been a few days since I posted in the journal. Things ended up looking really good. My e2 was over 2900 on Sunday, so we decided to trigger Sunday night for a Tuesday ER. They measured 16 follicles between 14-21, so we were feeling really positive!

The ER was Tuesday morning at 8:30. I was awake for the procedure, and it was very difficult. They had a hard time with my left ovary, and I think the RE ended up being selective as to which eggs she retrieved. It took two nurses pressing on my abdomen to get to that pesky ovary.  I was very greatful that the staff in the room was all people who have montitored me during the cycle.  It was also very hot in the room... 95 degrees I think they said.  So there were plenty of tears and sweat througout the procedure. 

I ended up with a great deal of pain yesterday, and Chris called the RE. She prescribed some Vicodin, which seems to finally be doing the trick today. I haven't had pain like this ever in my life. But, in the end it is all worth it!

We retrieved 11 eggs, which I was a little disappointed in. However, when the call came today, we were told that 10 of those 11 were mature, and that all 10 of those fertilized! So we have 10 precious embryos in the lab. Transfer will be Sunday. I have high hopes for this lab, and pray that we will have two beautiful embryos to transfer as well as some to put on ice.

So now we wait... and I am trying to heal. I am still pretty sore, and hope that the pain will ease by tomorrow. I would really like to put some finishing touches on my classroom tomorrow and Friday.

Amazing what a day can do...

So I am not as optimitstic as I was a few days ago.  Yesterday's E2 only rose to 1193 from 1098 the day before.  I hope I have not hit a plateau and will not have mature eggs in the end as a result.  I just got the message from the med voice system, and they didn't leave what my E2 level was.  I always have to ask for the specifics... sometimes I wonder if they don't want you to know what your results are.  Ignorance is bliss, right?  Well, not in my case. Also, no ultrasound today, so I have no idea what things "look" like.  I really hate that they don't do an u/s each day.  I am sure that has to do with the fact they they do a flat rate for IVF monitoring...

To make things even better, I am still feeling really crappy.  My sinuses are a mess.  Supposedly the only appt available in the morning is at 7:00.  Are you kidding me?  We have to be in Gurnee at 7:00 in the morning... that means leaving here at 6:30 am on a SATURDAY.  I don't know why that is making me so irritated.  I just want a chance to get some sleep.  I am going to go to the crop tonight at the scrapbook store... just won't stay too late.  I am thinking about cancelling the class for tomorrow I am supposed to teach.  We'll see how I feel later tonight.

Words can't express how badly I want this to work.  Part of me is actually afraid of how badly I want this.  I just don't know.  I am praying every moment that this one will work, that our dreams will finally come true.  That would make all of this worth it in the end.  Heck, I would live in a cardboard box and have worms to eat if it meant I would finally be given the gift of motherhood. 

Seems we found a good protocol...

I am feeling very optimistic.  We had our second appt yesterday which included an u/s.  I thought I was feeling something already, but I wasn't sure.  Sure enough, there is a crop!  We estimate there are 11 on the left, and 14 on the right, with the largest at 12.  Feeling really optimistic!  My E2 on Monday was 500...which was a little high.  It made a nice slow increase to 848 as of yesterday, which is more in line where it should be.  I am so glad I asked to stay at 10 units of Lupron.  It has kept my LH nice and low, so there is no risk of being on the pergonal.  The nurse also told me that they have done studies that show higher implantation rates with a mixed protocol.  Since we have had two failed IVFs, I am all about getting higher implantation results!  :-)

Chris and I are both feeling really positive.  I go back this morning for b/w only.  I am feeling pretty good at this point.  I still have a nasty cold/sinus infection.  I think I may ask this morning about an antibiotic... I will be on one after the ER, so maybe we can start one now to get rid of this yuck.  I am feeling ok... I am just blowing my nose ALL day and ALL night!  I remember a similiar thing happening with my last IVF.  I wonder if it has something to do with the lupron....

I am hoping to see my niece on Thursday.  I am meeting some of my friends from work for lunch, so I will just take her with me, and then head to Build A Bear I think. 

We are estimating ER to be Monday or Tuesday.  We have three different parties to attend on Saturday, and it looks like Chris will have to go solo.  We'll see how things fall and what day my ER and ET actually end up.   The extra day of bedrest really didn't do any good last time, and I know women who have gone back to work the day after ET and gotten pg.  We'll see.  I have a feeling it will be more of Chris' decision than mine.  That's fine with me!  :-)

Hoping things continue to look good with e2 this morning.  I really wish they would do an u/s each morning... I am so visual. 

First appt today

We had our first monitoring appt this morning.  Bloodwork only, so I really don't know where we are at yet.  The message only gave med info for tonight, so I will have to see what my e2 level was.  I need to see the numbers for some reason... I think it is my way of having some control over the entire situation.

My cold is still rotten... starting to wonder if it has to do with the lupron.  I hate that stuff!  I hope to never have to take it again.  I hope that I never have to do any of this again... I really want this to be THE one.  I am not sure that either of us can do this again.

I am hoping to spend some time with my niece on Thursday.  My mom is acting as a mediator between my sister and I.  If it weren't for my niece, I wouldn't really have any contact with my family at this point.  I need to focus on this IVF, and the dreams that Chris and I have for OUR family.  I just don't have the extra energy to share right now.  In all honesty, I NEED to see my niece probably more than she needs to see me. 

I had to tell two more people about the IVF today... its becoming just part of who I am at this point.  I am not ashamed about it, and if anything, I feel it is my mission to educate others about the process.  It's just hard to schedule around it, since you have no idea when the retrieval will be.  Oh well.... that is all part of this fantabulous journey, right?

A new day...

So its a bright a sunny Sunday morning.  I am feeling fairly positive this morning.  Of course, I have come down with a cold/allergies/sinus infection.  Timing is always great for these things!  I am drinking some "magic" tea and it seems to be helping.  I kept Chris up most of the night, he is finally sleeping now.  I didn't have the heart to wake him to do the 8:30 am shot... I am actually getting good at jabbing myself.  :-)

We had a really great day yesterday.  Its amazing how much strain all of this infertility crap can put on a marriage.  Even a strong marriage can waver under these circumstances.  And we've wavered, alright.  In the end, I know that we are meant to be together and we will be parents together someday.  This is the first weekend in some time that we have NOTHING to do.  We ran some errannds yesterday, and then lounged around the house for the afternoon.  It just felt good to "be" 

There is a part of me that is ready for a break from all of the treatments and heartache.  However, the majority of my heart and soul wants to continue on this road no matter the cost.  Walking through the store yesterday, we saw so many families... a mom, dad, and children. It made my heart ache.  That's what weekends are for... spending time as a family.  I want that more than anything.  Sure, I know that we are a family now, the two of us.  That has become more and more evident as I have distanced myself from my extended family.  I just know that we both have so much more to give...

Seeing Chris with our good friends son is amazing.  The little guy was all about Chris on Friday night.  Chris turns into a child when he is around him... we actually had to tell him to quiet down while we were eating dinner!  :-)  When we went back to the house to watch movies, the little guy wanted nothing to do with anyone than Chris.  He snuggled up next to him, sharing his popcorn and blanket with Chris.  It was just so sweet... bittersweet. 

Why has a man who is so caring and good with children not been blessed with a child of his own?  Seeing him with this little guy breaks my heart in two... one side is just so proud that Chris is an amazing man, and the other half aches to give him a child of his own.  I know we aren't perfect people by any means.  We have our faults, and our challenges.  But so do so many others who have been blessed with children.  I don't think I will ever understand.

I truly believe that everything happens for a reason.  I think that is one of the hardest parts of coming to terms with our infertility.  I just want to know WHY.  Why can't we have children like everyone else?  What have we done wrong?  Why have we been blessed with talents in working with children, yet we can't have a child our our own to share them with?  Why does my sister get to have three children, and complain about it... when would give everything to just have one?

I pray each night that our dreams will come true with this IVF.  I just don't know where we will find the strength to go on if we are not successful.

IVF #3.... Here we go!

Here we go again.  IVF #3 is here.  It has been 3 months since the last attempt, and yet I don't think either of us has really "healed" from that failure.  I have high hopes for this cycle... but there is the constant pang of reality in the back of my mind.  I am excited and nervous at the same time.  In many ways, this is our final attempt... we have one more covered by insurance, but I know that neither of us have the emotional energy to do this again anytime soon.  We've started to consider adoption and I am starting to gather all of the information I can on that topic.  Hoarding information seems to be one of my coping strategies.

We're back with the RE that I truly respect.  It's going to cost us $3000 if we end up with any to freeze this time.  It's really hard to believe all of the money we have spent while others can get pg on a bottle of cheap wine for $2.99!  It's just not fair at all.  Dh and I have started joking about all of the things we could have bought for the cost of this IVF.  I have an entire mental file of things that will be funny someday.

I am feeling more alone each day.  I know part of this is summer.  Once I am back to work, I will see my friends each day and be more part of a social group.  My infertility really defines who I am right now, and so many of our personal friends just don't get it.  Most of them have children and can't understand the pain that I feel.  I have also come to terms with the fact that I can't count on my family for support anymore.  They are who they are... and just aren't able to support me right now.  It's hard because I have always been part of a close-knit family.  Now I am learning to stand on my own.  They have other priorities in life and that is fine.  It was just a rude awakening.  I know in the end I will be a better person.  I used to think that once my infertility was resolved, things would be different.  Now I am not so sure.

Onto the nitty gritty.... Today is CD#3, and I started stims this morning.  I have never had stims split into two dosages a day... maybe that is the change I need.  :-)  I have been on lupron since July 29th.  Tonight I am supposed to decrease that dosage, but I am questioning that decision.  When I had a consult with this RE after IVF #2 was a flop, she told me that she felt I was not on a high enough dose of Lupron.  Yet, when we start the cycle, she has me on the same dosage.  When I questioned that at my Mock Transfer, I was told that she would keep me at this dose and not drop it once I start stims.  The nurse tells me yesterday to drop the dosage in half.  When I questioned it, she really didn't have an answer.  I will have to call back today and try to talk to the RE herself.  This is it for me.... I am not going to just sit back and have another nightmare like the last cycle.  If I have a question about something... I am going to ask it until I get an answer that satisfies me. 

Anyway, here is the scoop...  150 Gonal F this morning, 150 Pergonal this evening, and Lupron TBD.  Tomorrow 75 GF AM, 150 Pergonal PM, and Lupron TBD, Sunday same as Saturday, and then back in on Monday for b/w and u/s.  I have not been on anything but pure Gonal-F.  I sure hope this is the magic cocktail for us.  It sure would be nice to not only get pg, but also have some embryos on ice for a change!