Oral Surgery

Thank you for all of your comments on my last post.  It made me feel good to know that I am not alone in these questions.  Also made me remember why I love this ALI community so much!  More adoption questions and thoughts coming soon.

We spent a week in Minneapolis for a swim meet and when we returned, I had to face my greatest fear.  I had oral surgery on Tuesday.  I've needed to deal with my dental health for years, but our infertility took front seat.  I've always had a nagging thought that my dental issues might have something to do with my miscarriages, but we'll never really know.  (and I don't even really want to think about it now...)

It all started in the fall when I had a bridge become dislodged and I... swallowed it.  Yep, I swallowed it and never "recovered" it.  I had no choice but to do something since I was missing the four teeth that the bridge covered.  I literally had a panic attack and was so thankful that I was surrounded by good friends who jumped into action.  I got into a dentist that afternoon, who worked his magic both physically and emotionally.  It was fate that I ended up in his chair that day.  He was kind and compassionate, and understood my fears 110%.  (My phobia stems from my late childhood... more on that another day)

I continued to see the dentist and planned to have the major oral surgery necessary to complete the long term solution for my mouth.  However, Mr. Quinn came into our life, and things were put on hold.  We also waited to see if we would become parents to the second baby, so we were in limbo for most of the early spring.  Time passed, and I knew I needed to get back into the chair again. The temporary piece was only going to last so long, and I needed to schedule the surgery around our crazy schedules.  I held my breath as I made the call... and again the dentist office couldn't have been nicer.  They knew our story, and had been getting updates through some friends that also see them.  The oral surgeon's office isn't nearly as warm and fuzzy, but they also knew our story and were willing to work with us.

Surgery almost didn't happen due to some miscommunication with the dentist and oral surgeon, but in the end I did go through with it.  I had to have several teeth removed due to the damage from the bridges and they also had to do some bone smoothing.  It was pretty intense, but I am so glad it is behind me now.  Chris has been amazing and has taken great care of me and Mr Q this week.  The swelling has finally started to subside, and the pain has started to be manageable without the prescription meds.  I can't get the temporary piece to work just yet, so I am stuck in the house for a few more days.  The swelling inside my mouth has been frustrating and the stitches are making me nuts.  But I did it.  There's a LONG way to go until the final solutions are in place, but at least the worst is over now. 

I feel like we've had these clouds over us for so long.  Our family is finally complete (for now) and we'll finalize Q's adoption next month.  I'm finally taking steps to taking care of my dental health.  I'll finish grad school in November.  It feels like we might finally be getting all of the pieces together...

My Heart is Full

There simply aren't words to express how full my heart is from all of the kindness that has been showered on me from all of you.  The orders from my etsy shop and the donations to our good wishes page have seriously made me cry tears of gratitude.  I am so thankful for each and every one of you who have taken the time to support us in this way.  We still have a long way to go in terms of meeting the financial obligations related to this adoption plan, but we are getting closer each and every day.  We are fortunate to have friends who have offered to help us with some of the large costs up front while we continue to fund raise. 

It's been another exhausting week working to get everything thing in place for M.  She has connected with Chris and has been texting him daily.  I am forever grateful that he has such a calm and charismatic personality and is able to work with M.  We feel strongly that we are meant to be in M's life- not just in terms of the adoption, but also to help support her and make an impact in her life.  It is not going to be an easy four months, but we knew that when we agreed to the match. 

I took a few more leaps this week.  I told my boss and got the necessary paperwork to apply for FMLA.  I haven't filled any of it out- that leap will have to wait for another day.  :)  Chris shared the news with the Parent Board of our swim team.  We've slowly shared the news with those closest to us, and even some outside of our inner circle.  I might have even started to pin some ideas for a potential nursery. 

My heart is so full of gratitude and hope, but yet I find myself struggling.  Chris and I had a rough evening last night, and it really was my fault.  I was in such a foul mood and I found myself in tears over really stupid stuff.  I am super emotional right now.  I couldn't figure it out what the heck was wrong with me- why aren't I on cloud nine?

And then it hit me.

I am terrified.

Hope scares the crap out of me.  We're closer to our dream of parenting than we have ever been.  While there always going to be questions and the chance we will end up with empty arms, there is no reason to believe that will be the case.  So why can't I let go?  I want to let go of all the loss and heartache of the past and be able to truly embrace and enjoy the role of potential adoptive parent.  I want to be able to consider the notion of setting up a nursery.  I want to be able to accept the excitement of those we love when we tell them about the adoption without tempering their excitement with all of the cautionary tales of what could go wrong.

One of my closest friends and I were talking about all of this.  She shared that she envisions my heart as being made of glass- and that I am just trying hard to protect it.  It's really not that I feel that there are reservations about M placing.  It's just the idea in general- that we might actually really end up with our precious tiny miracle.  I'm just so damn scared to put my heart all the way into this.  I'm putting on a good face with those around me, but inside I am terrified.

I need to find a way to get over this.  We can't do this for the next four months.  So- any words of wisdom you can provide?

And again... thank you for filling my heart with so much gratitude with your love and support. That glass heart of mine is bursting with all of the love you've shared with me.  I just need to find some steel to go around it! I really couldn't imagine getting through all of this without all of you.

Tomorrow...

I am trying to keep it together.  I've been here before.  I know how this story has ended in the past.  I thought I was protecting myself and wasn't invested in this pregnancy yet.  Who am I kidding?

I had labs yesterday, but don't have those results yet.  I am not freaking out about that- I figured I would get them at tomorrow's appointment.  I'm ok about not knowing those results right now. 

I am terrified about the u/s tomorrow.  I've never gone into an u/s with the hope of truly having a viable pregnancy.  The last two times I've been bleeding and knew it was over.  This time... there's no bleeding.   So, there is a real *chance* that this might be the first u/s with a positive outcome.  And that scares me... a lot. 

I had a meltdown this morning.  I had some serious cramping (which I've been told can be normal) and was sure that this was the end.  In the end, I really think it was some stomach issues rather than anything else.  But it was this experience that made me realize how invested I already am in hoping for this pregnancy.  I thought that I was protecting myself- preparing myself for the possibility for this not being a viable pregnancy.  But is there really a way to do that?  Even after all of our losses, I don't know that you can ever be prepared.

I think the hardest part for me is that I don't know what to expect.  All of my "schema" is based on pregnancies ending up in miscarriage.  I don't like the unknown.  I like to play all of the possibilities in my head before a stressful situation.  I don't know how to prepare for tomorrow's u/s.  I just have to jump with both feet and take whatever the u/s shows.

I'm frustrated with my body.  While I will be over the moon thrilled if my body decides to cooperate and carry a baby to term- I might make peace with her.  For now, I am angry.  Just as I make peace with a decision and we make a choice to move in a new direction in our journey to parenthood, my body throws us a curve ball.  Why did it take ten years for my body to figure out how to get pregnant on its own?  (Trust me, we've been "practicing" for almost 20 years)  After 11 years, why have I been able to get pregnant on my own (ok, with some help from Chris...) TWICE in SIX MONTHS?  Can I hope that it will finally figure it all the way out?

My symptoms are still there.  The girls are VERY sore and seem to be like caged animals in my current bra. I'm exhausted.  I am lightheaded at times and feel like my head is in a fog about 80% of the time.  I had a few bouts of slight nausea today and rotten heartburn.  There is NO SPOTTING.  So for all intense purposes, I should expect to have a positive u/s tomorrow.  Why is that so hard?

Please think good thoughts around 9:00 tomorrow morning.  Please let me stay sane through whatever the next 24 hours holds.