Did anyone else grow up hearing that things happen in threes? I grew up hearing that death, major events, and births happen in threes. Interestingly, that is usually the case.
You know where this is going, right?
I now have three coworkers that are pregnant and all due within a month of each other. The third teacher came to me today. She happens to be a good friend and one of the teachers I share a room with in my new role. She was afraid to tell me... just as every person close to me has been. She also knows of our struggle, and like my other close friend, started "trying" right away because she knew that it could take time. She and my other friend were married a day apart... in June... June 2012. Which means they BOTH got pregnant the first month they tried following getting married. I spent the early summer working on things for their weddings.
The other coworker is expecting her second child. She has a two year old already. She suffers from PCOS, but is one of the lucky ones I guess... But it's the other two that are weighing heavily on my heart tonight.
I wonder if there will ever be a time that my heart doesn't break with a pregnancy announcement. I think these sting a little more because they both started trying right away because of my struggle- knowing that it doesn't work for some people. Yet, they both got very lucky. They both know just how lucky they are, and for that I am grateful. They both shared with me how much they treasure the gift that they have been given. And they both get it... at least for now. Talk to me in a few months when they are both showing and it might be another story all together.
I can't help but have a little pity party tonight. We're still waiting. We're still hoping. We're trying to live each day and believe that in the end all of this will be worth it. My heart is breaking tonight. I just don't understand why we have to watch all of those around us become parents while we want nothing more than to have the chance. While I know that all of this is not related, but part of me has to wonder why these other women (who are amazing people and will be amazing mothers) have been given the gift that I so desperately yearn for. Why aren't I good enough to become a mom? Why can't my body carry a pregnancy? Why can't a woman choose us to become the parents to her child?
You would think that after all these years it would get easier. In some ways it is easier- I was able to smile and ask all the right questions when my coworker told me today. She knew the story of the coworker who did it all wrong- and wanted to make sure I knew long before it was out. I was able to keep it together and not shed a tear at work until I had a private moment to call Chris. So I suppose in some ways it is easier- or maybe I just have developed an armor.
Of course today is CD#1... and it is a doozy- heavy and crampy. I really just wanted to curl up into a ball today. But I survived a full day of work and made it home in one piece. That's probably the bottom line... I am a survivor.
Showing posts with label pregnancy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pregnancy. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Monday, August 6, 2012
THAT call- NOT THE call.
I knew that it was coming. It's been more than 6 months since it happened at all. It's been well over a year since it happened at school. You'd think I'd be prepared but now. But as soon as the phone rang and Chris told me who it was- I just knew. I knew it was going to be THAT call. The phone call that brings me to my knees as soon as I hang up.
My good friends and coworkers are pregnant. I am thrilled for them and excited to know that they are going to be amazing parents. It's just a little sting, and another tiny part of my heart broke with the news.
They are very good friends. She was my running partner last spring. She has been on my 6th grade team for the last several years, and we taught next door to each other last year. Her husband has actually taught with me longer than she has. I helped with their wedding invitations and favors. They were married on our anniversary and I knew that they were planning to start a family right away. They've watched my struggle and knew that time was of the essence. She stopped BCP the month before the wedding after being on it for a very long time. She knows my history and figured they needed to start trying right away.
Of course they got pregnant on the first month after the wedding. She has some scary health issues that were also just diagnosed, so it is going to be a rough few months for them. I cautioned her about telling people about the pregnancy so soon, but she said she was ready to share with those closest to her. I have to remember that for most people a positive pregnancy test = take home baby. Please keep her in your thoughts as she navigates her health and this pregnancy. She feels strongly that she wants the support of everyone who is very close to her.
This announcement brings about all the usual feelings. I've been here before and I know that I will be here again. I could feel the panic and pain in her voice as she was telling me her happy news. I hate that our friends have to feel the sense of sadness when they have to tell us. I am so thankful that she called me and told me over the phone. I really think this is the best way for me to hear this news. It allows me to keep my composure and not have to be face to face with someone when they tell me. It gives me time to absorb the information and process it on my own terms. It allows me to have a full blown temper tantrum in the privacy of my own home. I am so very thankful to have such caring friends who think about what's best for me during a very special time in their own lives.
I have some other thoughts that I need to let roll around in my brain before committing to a post. She invited us over for a girls night on Wednesday that I had already committed to. Need to work through that in my head too.
Feeling better already... thank goodness for this blog!
My good friends and coworkers are pregnant. I am thrilled for them and excited to know that they are going to be amazing parents. It's just a little sting, and another tiny part of my heart broke with the news.
They are very good friends. She was my running partner last spring. She has been on my 6th grade team for the last several years, and we taught next door to each other last year. Her husband has actually taught with me longer than she has. I helped with their wedding invitations and favors. They were married on our anniversary and I knew that they were planning to start a family right away. They've watched my struggle and knew that time was of the essence. She stopped BCP the month before the wedding after being on it for a very long time. She knows my history and figured they needed to start trying right away.
Of course they got pregnant on the first month after the wedding. She has some scary health issues that were also just diagnosed, so it is going to be a rough few months for them. I cautioned her about telling people about the pregnancy so soon, but she said she was ready to share with those closest to her. I have to remember that for most people a positive pregnancy test = take home baby. Please keep her in your thoughts as she navigates her health and this pregnancy. She feels strongly that she wants the support of everyone who is very close to her.
This announcement brings about all the usual feelings. I've been here before and I know that I will be here again. I could feel the panic and pain in her voice as she was telling me her happy news. I hate that our friends have to feel the sense of sadness when they have to tell us. I am so thankful that she called me and told me over the phone. I really think this is the best way for me to hear this news. It allows me to keep my composure and not have to be face to face with someone when they tell me. It gives me time to absorb the information and process it on my own terms. It allows me to have a full blown temper tantrum in the privacy of my own home. I am so very thankful to have such caring friends who think about what's best for me during a very special time in their own lives.
I have some other thoughts that I need to let roll around in my brain before committing to a post. She invited us over for a girls night on Wednesday that I had already committed to. Need to work through that in my head too.
Feeling better already... thank goodness for this blog!
Monday, January 30, 2012
Another week on the roller coaster
Today's u/s was probably the longest one I've ever had. To the point that my legs started to have muscle spasms. The tech was trying to be very thorough. I like this tech the best and he is always kind and likes to joke to break the tension.
The news wasn't the update we were hoping for. The SCH has grown and is approximately 6 cm long. The gestational sac is still abnormally shaped and is only measuring 6w3d. We were at 6w1d last Monday, so not the growth we were hoping for. The heartbeat was only 92- so well below what we would hope for this point.
We met with another one of the partners at the OB office. I really liked him. He was kind and took the time to sit and answer all of our questions. He apologized that he didn't have more clear answers for us. He told us its really a wait and see and the good news is that there is a heartbeat and that we saw growth. The challenges are the abnormal shape of the sac, the size of the SCH, and the slow growth/heartbeat.
After talking with him, we decided that I will go back to work tomorrow. I haven't had a red bleed for more than a week and staying on bed rest didn't get us a smaller SCH. I'm going to take it easy and try to stay off my feet as much as possible. If I start having red bleeding, I'll come back home and we'll go from there. I am planning to spend the rest of the afternoon trying to pack and prepare for going back to work. Trying to pack enough snacks and a change of clothes...just in case.
We talked with him about the possibility of having to go to Florida. He said he wasn't concerned about the flight itself, but being away from medical care. He said he wouldn't say not to go and suggested that I call if we get THE call and get an u/s before I go.
Chris and I have decided we're going to fight and not give up just yet. We still have a heartbeat and what appears to be a fighter little bean. That's all we can do at this point. It's going to hurt like hell to lost this fight, but we have to give it all we've got.
We go back for a repeat u/s on Friday when our OB is in the office. We should hear something about the adoption by then too. It's going to be a really long week.
The news wasn't the update we were hoping for. The SCH has grown and is approximately 6 cm long. The gestational sac is still abnormally shaped and is only measuring 6w3d. We were at 6w1d last Monday, so not the growth we were hoping for. The heartbeat was only 92- so well below what we would hope for this point.
We met with another one of the partners at the OB office. I really liked him. He was kind and took the time to sit and answer all of our questions. He apologized that he didn't have more clear answers for us. He told us its really a wait and see and the good news is that there is a heartbeat and that we saw growth. The challenges are the abnormal shape of the sac, the size of the SCH, and the slow growth/heartbeat.
After talking with him, we decided that I will go back to work tomorrow. I haven't had a red bleed for more than a week and staying on bed rest didn't get us a smaller SCH. I'm going to take it easy and try to stay off my feet as much as possible. If I start having red bleeding, I'll come back home and we'll go from there. I am planning to spend the rest of the afternoon trying to pack and prepare for going back to work. Trying to pack enough snacks and a change of clothes...just in case.
We talked with him about the possibility of having to go to Florida. He said he wasn't concerned about the flight itself, but being away from medical care. He said he wouldn't say not to go and suggested that I call if we get THE call and get an u/s before I go.
Chris and I have decided we're going to fight and not give up just yet. We still have a heartbeat and what appears to be a fighter little bean. That's all we can do at this point. It's going to hurt like hell to lost this fight, but we have to give it all we've got.
We go back for a repeat u/s on Friday when our OB is in the office. We should hear something about the adoption by then too. It's going to be a really long week.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Exhale
I felt like I was holding my breath all day yesterday. I was finally able to exhale when we heard from our attorney last night.
After some harried phone calls to our social worker and the main office of the agency, we got our paperwork off to Florida. Our SW only works part time so it was a little challenge to contact her. In the end, we have a new direct number that should allow us to get a hold of her when we need to in the future.
Our attorney finally got in contact with the CC Social Worker in Florida. She hadn't been to her office, so wasn't even sure if she had gotten our paperwork. Grrr. They are still working on serving the baby's father his papers. Our attorney was told that nothing would be decided until mid week. In my heart, I feel that the local agency will probably place with someone local that they are working with. My heart is breaking thinking about this little angel in the nursery waiting for someone to be her forever mom. She'll be released today and we've been told and will go to a temporary placement. Again, my heart aches for this little one and part of me hopes that if she is going to be placed locally that the temporary placement ends up being her forever family. I've never met this little one, and yet all I can think about is what is best for her already and worry about if she is being loved and held and cooed over this very moment. My heart aches to hold her in my own arms, but I know that we will be ok if she is meant to be with another family. Please continue to hold all those who are making decisions for this sweet little angel in your thoughts and prayers.
Chris has always been against "being prepared" because we just don't really know what a situation could end up being. But after the excitement of the last day or so, I am thinking that just maybe it wouldn't hurt to stock up on just a few essentials. Thank you for all of your sweet suggestions and comments on the last post. I have a few wishlists on Am.azon and Tar.get full of your suggestions. Trying not to get too far ahead of myself, but it was nice to spend some time browsing and reading about baby products. And just maybe they are things I might use in say 8 months if this pregnancy continues. (Whoa, did I really say that out loud?!)
I am feeling very optimistic about Monday's ultrasound. I do spend time trying to play out different scenarios in my head just to feel prepared for whatever it holds. Does anyone else do that? I try to imagine every way that things could go wrong just so I can react in my own head before having to do it for real. I guess that's what years of infertility does to you.
Feeling crampy on and off and it scares me. But then I consult Dr. Goo.gle and it appears that this can all be normal. Still only very little dark brown spotting on the TP, so trying to feel reassured by that. The nausea seems to be here to stay and is definitely impacted by my eating schedule. I have learned that I HAVE to eat before I feel hungry.
Trying to stay zen and hopeful, but realistic. I know that each and every moment makes me more and more vulnerable. Please let this finally be our year... and maybe even times two?
After some harried phone calls to our social worker and the main office of the agency, we got our paperwork off to Florida. Our SW only works part time so it was a little challenge to contact her. In the end, we have a new direct number that should allow us to get a hold of her when we need to in the future.
Our attorney finally got in contact with the CC Social Worker in Florida. She hadn't been to her office, so wasn't even sure if she had gotten our paperwork. Grrr. They are still working on serving the baby's father his papers. Our attorney was told that nothing would be decided until mid week. In my heart, I feel that the local agency will probably place with someone local that they are working with. My heart is breaking thinking about this little angel in the nursery waiting for someone to be her forever mom. She'll be released today and we've been told and will go to a temporary placement. Again, my heart aches for this little one and part of me hopes that if she is going to be placed locally that the temporary placement ends up being her forever family. I've never met this little one, and yet all I can think about is what is best for her already and worry about if she is being loved and held and cooed over this very moment. My heart aches to hold her in my own arms, but I know that we will be ok if she is meant to be with another family. Please continue to hold all those who are making decisions for this sweet little angel in your thoughts and prayers.
Chris has always been against "being prepared" because we just don't really know what a situation could end up being. But after the excitement of the last day or so, I am thinking that just maybe it wouldn't hurt to stock up on just a few essentials. Thank you for all of your sweet suggestions and comments on the last post. I have a few wishlists on Am.azon and Tar.get full of your suggestions. Trying not to get too far ahead of myself, but it was nice to spend some time browsing and reading about baby products. And just maybe they are things I might use in say 8 months if this pregnancy continues. (Whoa, did I really say that out loud?!)
I am feeling very optimistic about Monday's ultrasound. I do spend time trying to play out different scenarios in my head just to feel prepared for whatever it holds. Does anyone else do that? I try to imagine every way that things could go wrong just so I can react in my own head before having to do it for real. I guess that's what years of infertility does to you.
Feeling crampy on and off and it scares me. But then I consult Dr. Goo.gle and it appears that this can all be normal. Still only very little dark brown spotting on the TP, so trying to feel reassured by that. The nausea seems to be here to stay and is definitely impacted by my eating schedule. I have learned that I HAVE to eat before I feel hungry.
Trying to stay zen and hopeful, but realistic. I know that each and every moment makes me more and more vulnerable. Please let this finally be our year... and maybe even times two?
Friday, January 27, 2012
Maybe 2012 will be the year...
I think that the cosmos seriously like playing with my life. Someone is quite entertained by the events of our life.
Still hanging in there with only very light spotting and sick to my stomach most of the day. Being a good girl and trying to stay off my feet. Made the decision to keep the Monday u/s appointment. It will give us a full week of rest and hopefully we will see some nice growth in the heartrate and decrease in the SCH.
You would think that would be enough excitement for us, right? Not so fast.
Our attorney called us in a frenzy last night.
There's a baby girl in Florida that was born this week and mother wants to place. She hasn't chosen a family and someone from the hospital called our 800 number. Turns out, that the woman who called is the mother of one of Chris' former coaches classmates. (Did you get that?) She had our business card through the coach and when she heard about this mother, she immediately thought of us.
Initially, it sounded like that as long as we said yes, it was going to happen. It now appears that there is a local social service agency involved. We have to get our homestudy faxed out to Florida to the caseworker this morning. It also appears that the mother is not interested in making the choice herself. The nurse who contacted us in talking with her again today in the hopes that she can share a little more about us and help the mom make a decision that is best for her and her child. We have a feeling that if the mom doesn't make a choice herself, that the local agency will choose one of their waiting families.
Could this really be happening? We are hoping and wishing that if this little girl is meant to be part of our family, it will be. And if she isn't then we hope that she finds the perfect family.
Let's not even start about the fact that we aren't necessarily financially prepared to fly across the country and stay there for a week or more. We've been lax on our adoption savings and have focused on advertising, not saving money for an immediate placement. And then there's my current pregnancy situation. But again, I am trying to have faith that if this is meant to be, it will be. We'll figure it all out.
We own not a single baby item. I just couldn't have it in the house after all these years. I don't know the first thing about caring for a newborn. And I am sick to my stomach most of the day right now. But again, if it is meant to be, it will be.
That's very zen of me, isn't it? Take that universe!
Please keep this mother and all those making the decisions in your thoughts and prayers. And let's all hope that I can keep the zen through all of this.
Still hanging in there with only very light spotting and sick to my stomach most of the day. Being a good girl and trying to stay off my feet. Made the decision to keep the Monday u/s appointment. It will give us a full week of rest and hopefully we will see some nice growth in the heartrate and decrease in the SCH.
You would think that would be enough excitement for us, right? Not so fast.
Our attorney called us in a frenzy last night.
There's a baby girl in Florida that was born this week and mother wants to place. She hasn't chosen a family and someone from the hospital called our 800 number. Turns out, that the woman who called is the mother of one of Chris' former coaches classmates. (Did you get that?) She had our business card through the coach and when she heard about this mother, she immediately thought of us.
Initially, it sounded like that as long as we said yes, it was going to happen. It now appears that there is a local social service agency involved. We have to get our homestudy faxed out to Florida to the caseworker this morning. It also appears that the mother is not interested in making the choice herself. The nurse who contacted us in talking with her again today in the hopes that she can share a little more about us and help the mom make a decision that is best for her and her child. We have a feeling that if the mom doesn't make a choice herself, that the local agency will choose one of their waiting families.
Could this really be happening? We are hoping and wishing that if this little girl is meant to be part of our family, it will be. And if she isn't then we hope that she finds the perfect family.
Let's not even start about the fact that we aren't necessarily financially prepared to fly across the country and stay there for a week or more. We've been lax on our adoption savings and have focused on advertising, not saving money for an immediate placement. And then there's my current pregnancy situation. But again, I am trying to have faith that if this is meant to be, it will be. We'll figure it all out.
We own not a single baby item. I just couldn't have it in the house after all these years. I don't know the first thing about caring for a newborn. And I am sick to my stomach most of the day right now. But again, if it is meant to be, it will be.
That's very zen of me, isn't it? Take that universe!
Please keep this mother and all those making the decisions in your thoughts and prayers. And let's all hope that I can keep the zen through all of this.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Bed Rest is HARD
Who knew just how hard it would be to spend a week in bed?
The good news is that I haven't had any red bleeding since Sunday. I've only had brown spotting and its now only on the TP. Can I really hope that the bleed is already reabsorbing? I am worried that if it is in fact large shouldn't there be another bleed of some sort to get rid of it? Not that I am asking for a bleed. Dear God, that is the LAST THING I want.
I read some really scary things about SCH online- but I also read many more positive stories. As each day goes by, I am getting more and more hopeful. But that scares the crap out of me. I know that each and every day I am getting more and more attached to this pregnancy.
My symptoms are increasing. I really have to eat just about every 2 hours or I start to feel sick. Being stationary and on the extra progesterone has caused my digestive system to come to a screeching halt. (Which is not fun at all, and can make a woman crazy who is concerned about any kind of cramping!) Last night Chris was browning some ground turkey for sloppy joes and the smell literally made me gag and almost lose my cookies. I've never had that issue before. Again, this makes me feel hopeful.
I am scheduled to have the repeat u/s on Monday. Debating about moving it to Friday since I am already off work. But then I really want to have the best chance of seeing some good news- so waiting the full week seems to be the right way to go. It means I am off work another day- which will be NINE days in a row. YIKES! But I really, really, really, need to put this pregnancy first. Thankfully I have a very supportive principal, amazing coworkers, and a great sub taking care of my kids. So why does it stress me out to be missing this much work? I have the sick days- (although I've eaten through many of them over the years of IVF treatments in CO....)
We got a contract in the mail from the OB yesterday for delivery services. Is this normal practice? I'm guessing the billing office hasn't looked at my chart to see that I am still diagnosed with "threatened miscarriage" Also, it is for routine care. I think I've already had more u/s that the "normal" pregnancy has the entire duration. They are also expecting that I still need to meet my entire deductible. Um, nope. Already met that for the year. And it's not even the end of January.
And I'm not even sure that this is the right fit for me. I've had a not so good feeling from one of the OBs and the office staff is less than desirable. So I guess I will deal with the "contract" notion when I go in on Monday.
Finally convinced Chris to let me bring some of my card making supplies into bed with me. He isn't thrilled but he agreed. I need to do something creative or I might lose my mind. Seriously, daytime TV is horrible! And I've already read three books. So, I really need to do something fun!
Looking forward to having a close friend/coworker come by this evening. I've finally finished the 200 invites for her daughters wedding. She's coming to pick them up and also bring me some work from school. Isn't it sad that I am looking forward to having some papers to grade?
Ok, better get off the computer. Chris doesn't like me using the laptop too long. :)
The good news is that I haven't had any red bleeding since Sunday. I've only had brown spotting and its now only on the TP. Can I really hope that the bleed is already reabsorbing? I am worried that if it is in fact large shouldn't there be another bleed of some sort to get rid of it? Not that I am asking for a bleed. Dear God, that is the LAST THING I want.
I read some really scary things about SCH online- but I also read many more positive stories. As each day goes by, I am getting more and more hopeful. But that scares the crap out of me. I know that each and every day I am getting more and more attached to this pregnancy.
My symptoms are increasing. I really have to eat just about every 2 hours or I start to feel sick. Being stationary and on the extra progesterone has caused my digestive system to come to a screeching halt. (Which is not fun at all, and can make a woman crazy who is concerned about any kind of cramping!) Last night Chris was browning some ground turkey for sloppy joes and the smell literally made me gag and almost lose my cookies. I've never had that issue before. Again, this makes me feel hopeful.
I am scheduled to have the repeat u/s on Monday. Debating about moving it to Friday since I am already off work. But then I really want to have the best chance of seeing some good news- so waiting the full week seems to be the right way to go. It means I am off work another day- which will be NINE days in a row. YIKES! But I really, really, really, need to put this pregnancy first. Thankfully I have a very supportive principal, amazing coworkers, and a great sub taking care of my kids. So why does it stress me out to be missing this much work? I have the sick days- (although I've eaten through many of them over the years of IVF treatments in CO....)
We got a contract in the mail from the OB yesterday for delivery services. Is this normal practice? I'm guessing the billing office hasn't looked at my chart to see that I am still diagnosed with "threatened miscarriage" Also, it is for routine care. I think I've already had more u/s that the "normal" pregnancy has the entire duration. They are also expecting that I still need to meet my entire deductible. Um, nope. Already met that for the year. And it's not even the end of January.
And I'm not even sure that this is the right fit for me. I've had a not so good feeling from one of the OBs and the office staff is less than desirable. So I guess I will deal with the "contract" notion when I go in on Monday.
Finally convinced Chris to let me bring some of my card making supplies into bed with me. He isn't thrilled but he agreed. I need to do something creative or I might lose my mind. Seriously, daytime TV is horrible! And I've already read three books. So, I really need to do something fun!
Looking forward to having a close friend/coworker come by this evening. I've finally finished the 200 invites for her daughters wedding. She's coming to pick them up and also bring me some work from school. Isn't it sad that I am looking forward to having some papers to grade?
Ok, better get off the computer. Chris doesn't like me using the laptop too long. :)
Monday, January 23, 2012
There's a heartbeat... but wait...
Waiting in the OB office today was excruciating. We were surrounded by happy couples and one woman who was complaining loudly about all of the inconveniences of pregnancy over the phone. It's a good thing I don't have homicidal tendencies! LOL
We got back to the u/s and the tech was the original one we saw. He was very kind and even had the side screen on so I could see what was going on. He did the abdominal u/s first and noted how large my cyst is. I thought I could see the gestational sac too- and asked about a hematoma. He said that I have a VERY LARGE hematoma. Exactly what I thought.
We went on to the internal u/s and he had a really hard time due to the large cyst. He said it is pushing everything towards the back of my uterus. I thought that I saw something in the sac- but I wasn't sure. Chris and I were STUNNED when he said
"There's the heartbeat"
I sat up- yes with the u/s wand still in place. LMBO. He had a really hard time measuring the heartbeat however, as I couldn't be still and due to the fact it was so far back due to the cyst. There is concern that the heartbeat is low at this point- it is only 81. But part of me wonders how accurate this is considering what a difficult time he had measuring.
The sac is still somewhat abnormal- but it completely due to the SCH. It is directly next to the sac, and is causing it to be distorted.
We were in shock as we waiting to meet with the OB. My OB is off today, and I had to deal with the one who yelled at me. Let's just say her bedside manner isn't getting any better. She was very gloom and doom and quickly burst the excitement Chris and I were feeling about the heartbeat. She wouldn't even give us a hint of where this will end up- just said it is wait and see at this point. She wasn't even going to put me on bed rest. But Chris and I pushed the issue and she agreed.
So I am off work until we go back next Monday. We stopped and saw the chiropractor on the way home. Not sure I totally believe in all he does, but it can't hurt at this point. I've been seeing him since November, and I just feel that it can't hurt at this point, right? I am feeling really guilty about being off work, but I have to put this pregnancy first right now. Otherwise I might have regrets... and I just can't go there right now.
I talked to Tonie at CC.RM on the way home and she was so much more reassuring than the OB. She said that they see this all the time, and that they would have put me on bedrest. So I feel good about that decision.
So, it's another week in limbo. We were SO sure this was it. That we were done. And now we've seen a heartbeat- a place we've NEVER been before.
Can anyone give me stories of hope at this point? Again, if this wasn't happening to me, I am not sure I would even believe it.
We got back to the u/s and the tech was the original one we saw. He was very kind and even had the side screen on so I could see what was going on. He did the abdominal u/s first and noted how large my cyst is. I thought I could see the gestational sac too- and asked about a hematoma. He said that I have a VERY LARGE hematoma. Exactly what I thought.
We went on to the internal u/s and he had a really hard time due to the large cyst. He said it is pushing everything towards the back of my uterus. I thought that I saw something in the sac- but I wasn't sure. Chris and I were STUNNED when he said
"There's the heartbeat"
I sat up- yes with the u/s wand still in place. LMBO. He had a really hard time measuring the heartbeat however, as I couldn't be still and due to the fact it was so far back due to the cyst. There is concern that the heartbeat is low at this point- it is only 81. But part of me wonders how accurate this is considering what a difficult time he had measuring.
The sac is still somewhat abnormal- but it completely due to the SCH. It is directly next to the sac, and is causing it to be distorted.
We were in shock as we waiting to meet with the OB. My OB is off today, and I had to deal with the one who yelled at me. Let's just say her bedside manner isn't getting any better. She was very gloom and doom and quickly burst the excitement Chris and I were feeling about the heartbeat. She wouldn't even give us a hint of where this will end up- just said it is wait and see at this point. She wasn't even going to put me on bed rest. But Chris and I pushed the issue and she agreed.
So I am off work until we go back next Monday. We stopped and saw the chiropractor on the way home. Not sure I totally believe in all he does, but it can't hurt at this point. I've been seeing him since November, and I just feel that it can't hurt at this point, right? I am feeling really guilty about being off work, but I have to put this pregnancy first right now. Otherwise I might have regrets... and I just can't go there right now.
I talked to Tonie at CC.RM on the way home and she was so much more reassuring than the OB. She said that they see this all the time, and that they would have put me on bedrest. So I feel good about that decision.
So, it's another week in limbo. We were SO sure this was it. That we were done. And now we've seen a heartbeat- a place we've NEVER been before.
Can anyone give me stories of hope at this point? Again, if this wasn't happening to me, I am not sure I would even believe it.
Friday, January 20, 2012
?
Sorry for the silence over the past few days. I just didn't have much to say. I've come down with a nasty cold on top of everything else. Exactly what I needed....
I had another bleeding incident yesterday morning. I really thought for sure this was it. I stayed home on Wednesday since I was so miserable from the cold and lack of sleep. I went into work yesterday and just as I started teaching, I felt a gush. I thought I would be fine and just keep teaching- but it did seem to get worse so I made the tough decision to come home. I was afraid that the bleeding would become severe and I wouldn't make it home.
I called the nurse and she talked to the Dr. He also felt that this was probably the end. Told me to put my feet up and push fluids and call if the bleeding became very heavy. I curled up on the couch and waited for the cramping to start.
Only it never did... and by the end of the afternoon, the bleeding had slowed to just spotting again. This morning it is just on the TP and is shifting back to brown. I really don't know what to think. In my heart, I know that this is not a viable pregnancy, but there is a tiny part of me that is still hoping. I am home again today and have an u/s scheduled for Monday morning.
I have had some pinching feelings in my right side near my ovary. Not sure what to make of that, but it doesn't stay very long and isn't intense. I haven't had any real cramping. With both of the other m/c I had lots of cramping.
Wondering if regardless of the viability of this pregnancy, I have a subchorianic hematoma?(Not really sure how to spell that!) From what I read, both of the bleeding episodes sound like they could be caused by something like that.
I am stressed about missing so much school- but I keep reminding myself that I have to do what is best for me. I did get the OB to write a letter- but they only wrote it for yesterday and today. Hoping that I won't have issues with our not so friendly superintendent. My principal knows everything that is going on, so that is all I can do for now.
On a positive note, Chris and I have had lots of time to spend together which is really rare this time of the year. :) Trying to find any spots of positive in all of this.
Thank you for all the well wishes and good thoughts. Please keep them coming!
I had another bleeding incident yesterday morning. I really thought for sure this was it. I stayed home on Wednesday since I was so miserable from the cold and lack of sleep. I went into work yesterday and just as I started teaching, I felt a gush. I thought I would be fine and just keep teaching- but it did seem to get worse so I made the tough decision to come home. I was afraid that the bleeding would become severe and I wouldn't make it home.
I called the nurse and she talked to the Dr. He also felt that this was probably the end. Told me to put my feet up and push fluids and call if the bleeding became very heavy. I curled up on the couch and waited for the cramping to start.
Only it never did... and by the end of the afternoon, the bleeding had slowed to just spotting again. This morning it is just on the TP and is shifting back to brown. I really don't know what to think. In my heart, I know that this is not a viable pregnancy, but there is a tiny part of me that is still hoping. I am home again today and have an u/s scheduled for Monday morning.
I have had some pinching feelings in my right side near my ovary. Not sure what to make of that, but it doesn't stay very long and isn't intense. I haven't had any real cramping. With both of the other m/c I had lots of cramping.
Wondering if regardless of the viability of this pregnancy, I have a subchorianic hematoma?(Not really sure how to spell that!) From what I read, both of the bleeding episodes sound like they could be caused by something like that.
I am stressed about missing so much school- but I keep reminding myself that I have to do what is best for me. I did get the OB to write a letter- but they only wrote it for yesterday and today. Hoping that I won't have issues with our not so friendly superintendent. My principal knows everything that is going on, so that is all I can do for now.
On a positive note, Chris and I have had lots of time to spend together which is really rare this time of the year. :) Trying to find any spots of positive in all of this.
Thank you for all the well wishes and good thoughts. Please keep them coming!
Monday, January 16, 2012
Abnormal
Seriously. I'd like to just catch a break. Just once.
Today's ultrasound showed growth- but the sac is abnormally shaped. The u/s tech was not very optimistic about the prognosis. There was no sign of a fetal pole or yolk sac.
We met with the OB who isn't ready to throw in the towel yet. He does give us less than a 50% chance of this ending with a take home baby. He said he's seen stranger things. I opted not to take any more HCG labs. We're back for another ultrasound next Monday where the OB feels will give us a clear direction.
I really don't know what to think. It's technically only 5w5d today- so still early, right? It turns out that Thursday's HCG was actually 5500- not 5000. So a real nice jump from the 2300 on Monday. It's like one step forward and two steps back. There is almost no spotting- just a smidge on the TP of brown.
I'm afraid to hold onto hope because I know that each and every day means that I will fall even harder if this ends in a m/c. I'm afraid to to do much on Dr. Goo.gle, but I am hoping to find some good news out there.
Do I dare keep hoping for a miracle?
Today's ultrasound showed growth- but the sac is abnormally shaped. The u/s tech was not very optimistic about the prognosis. There was no sign of a fetal pole or yolk sac.
We met with the OB who isn't ready to throw in the towel yet. He does give us less than a 50% chance of this ending with a take home baby. He said he's seen stranger things. I opted not to take any more HCG labs. We're back for another ultrasound next Monday where the OB feels will give us a clear direction.
I really don't know what to think. It's technically only 5w5d today- so still early, right? It turns out that Thursday's HCG was actually 5500- not 5000. So a real nice jump from the 2300 on Monday. It's like one step forward and two steps back. There is almost no spotting- just a smidge on the TP of brown.
I'm afraid to hold onto hope because I know that each and every day means that I will fall even harder if this ends in a m/c. I'm afraid to to do much on Dr. Goo.gle, but I am hoping to find some good news out there.
Do I dare keep hoping for a miracle?
Sunday, January 15, 2012
thank you
Thank you to each and every single one of you who has reached out to me over the past week. The comments and emails have kept me sane through all of this.
The spotting has almost stopped. It's only on the TP now. I've been on the couch all day while Chris has taken care of everything. (I did get a little animated when I watched the Pack.ers lose. There's nothing more that this Bears fan could have asked for today.)
Do I still have symptoms? Who knows. The girls seem to be sore- but is it just because I keep "checking" to see if they are sore? I'm exhausted- but I've also been sedentary for three days. I'm starving and have no appetite all at once. I'm having some stomach issues today too.
So we just wait. I am trying to prepare for the worst while hoping for the best at tomorrow's u/s. It's still early- at least I think based on everything. I won't be 6 weeks until Wednesday. So who knows what the u/s will show. I've tried to play out all the options in my mind- there's nothing there anymore, there's been no growth, there's growth but not enough, and just maybe, everything is ok.
Please keep all the prayers and good thoughts coming our way. Our u/s is scheduled for 9:40 CST tomorrow. I am just hoping I will have the strength to endure whatever tomorrow brings...
The spotting has almost stopped. It's only on the TP now. I've been on the couch all day while Chris has taken care of everything. (I did get a little animated when I watched the Pack.ers lose. There's nothing more that this Bears fan could have asked for today.)
Do I still have symptoms? Who knows. The girls seem to be sore- but is it just because I keep "checking" to see if they are sore? I'm exhausted- but I've also been sedentary for three days. I'm starving and have no appetite all at once. I'm having some stomach issues today too.
So we just wait. I am trying to prepare for the worst while hoping for the best at tomorrow's u/s. It's still early- at least I think based on everything. I won't be 6 weeks until Wednesday. So who knows what the u/s will show. I've tried to play out all the options in my mind- there's nothing there anymore, there's been no growth, there's growth but not enough, and just maybe, everything is ok.
Please keep all the prayers and good thoughts coming our way. Our u/s is scheduled for 9:40 CST tomorrow. I am just hoping I will have the strength to endure whatever tomorrow brings...
Saturday, January 14, 2012
bleeding-UPDATES
Seriously, if this wasn't happening to me I am not sure I would buy it.
I started bleeding last night about 9. It's heavier than spotting but not "saturating a pad in an hour" (warning... this is going to get TMI from here) There is very little on the liner but when I go to the bathroom, it "falls" out. It's about 1 tablespoon an hour. I was up just about every hour last night checking of course. There are really no clots and I am not having any real cramping. There are some twinges, but it somehow feels different.
Called the nurse this morning. As I knew, there is really nothing but wait and see. I already have an u/s scheduled for Monday. Wanted to make sure I was following the correct protocol so I don't get yelled at again. The nurse I talked to was very kind and tried to calm my nerves. She assured me that the fact there aren't clots and no pain is a good sign. But she also knows that red blood is never a good thing.
I don't know what to think. I've been here before. But last time I had large clots and passed tissue early on in the process. This time feels different... or do I just want it to be different?
Is it possible that the fibroid they saw could be causing this? Could it really be a hematoma of some sort? I've spent way too much time on Dr Goo.gle. Could taking extra progesterone at this point help? I was late taking my am dose yesterday. Could that have caused this?
Please let the bleeding stop. I am on bed rest until I go in on Monday. Of course Chris is at a meet all day today, so that means I am on my own. I am sure I could call friends to come bring me stuff- but my house is a disaster. Seriously.
I don't know what to think. Anyone have similar stories? I think I am just grasping at straws at this point.
Thank you for all of your words of support. I've read comments over and over.
~~~Update~~~
It is now later in the afternoon and the bleeding has returned to just spotting. It's only on the TP when I wipe. No clots, no pain... could this really end up ok?!
Still hanging out in bed. Let's hope things continue to look good.
I started bleeding last night about 9. It's heavier than spotting but not "saturating a pad in an hour" (warning... this is going to get TMI from here) There is very little on the liner but when I go to the bathroom, it "falls" out. It's about 1 tablespoon an hour. I was up just about every hour last night checking of course. There are really no clots and I am not having any real cramping. There are some twinges, but it somehow feels different.
Called the nurse this morning. As I knew, there is really nothing but wait and see. I already have an u/s scheduled for Monday. Wanted to make sure I was following the correct protocol so I don't get yelled at again. The nurse I talked to was very kind and tried to calm my nerves. She assured me that the fact there aren't clots and no pain is a good sign. But she also knows that red blood is never a good thing.
I don't know what to think. I've been here before. But last time I had large clots and passed tissue early on in the process. This time feels different... or do I just want it to be different?
Is it possible that the fibroid they saw could be causing this? Could it really be a hematoma of some sort? I've spent way too much time on Dr Goo.gle. Could taking extra progesterone at this point help? I was late taking my am dose yesterday. Could that have caused this?
Please let the bleeding stop. I am on bed rest until I go in on Monday. Of course Chris is at a meet all day today, so that means I am on my own. I am sure I could call friends to come bring me stuff- but my house is a disaster. Seriously.
I don't know what to think. Anyone have similar stories? I think I am just grasping at straws at this point.
Thank you for all of your words of support. I've read comments over and over.
~~~Update~~~
It is now later in the afternoon and the bleeding has returned to just spotting. It's only on the TP when I wipe. No clots, no pain... could this really end up ok?!
Still hanging out in bed. Let's hope things continue to look good.
Friday, January 13, 2012
over 5000
Just talked to the nurse. My HCG was over 5,000 yesterday. Which is higher than its ever been. Which is more than double. So I am not sure what to think. The spotting started AFTER I had that blood test, so I am not so confident we are out of the woods.
Told the nurse about the spotting and she assured me that it could be normal. She reminded me that brown is usually not a bad sign. And the fact I don't have cramping is even better. I'm supposed to take it easy for the weekend and go back in for another u/s on Monday morning.
The last time it was red from the start. Could this really be different this time? The techs also said they saw a small fibroid (along with my bicornute uterus). Could the fibroid really be a hematoma?
The nurse said even if it is red, it can be ok. I am supposed to call if it is heavy like a period or I start cramping.
Shit... I am starting to hope again.
Told the nurse about the spotting and she assured me that it could be normal. She reminded me that brown is usually not a bad sign. And the fact I don't have cramping is even better. I'm supposed to take it easy for the weekend and go back in for another u/s on Monday morning.
The last time it was red from the start. Could this really be different this time? The techs also said they saw a small fibroid (along with my bicornute uterus). Could the fibroid really be a hematoma?
The nurse said even if it is red, it can be ok. I am supposed to call if it is heavy like a period or I start cramping.
Shit... I am starting to hope again.
spotting
In my heart, I know how this is going to end.
I started spotting last night. That was my last hope. There hadn't been ANY spotting until last night. And now there is. I know that all the evidence now points that this pregnancy is not going to end in a miracle. I really thought I had protected myself and that I wasn't going to feel my heart break once again. But as the spotting has continued, a little piece of my heart broke off once again.
The spotting is not heavy- there is nothing on a liner- only on the TP. It's dark in color. All would be good signs if I didn't already have the other two strikes- slow rising HCG and u/s that measures behind. Of course there is an itsy bitsy tiny part of me that is holding out for just a tiny sliver of hope. But my head and my heart knows what this all means.
I decided to stay home from work today. I know it doesn't really do anything to stay off my feet at this point- but I want to at least know that I did everything I could. I also didn't think my mental state would be very conducive to interactions with middle school children today either... We also finally had the first big snow storm of the year so the roads are a mess. My favorite sub was able to come in today- so it just made sense to stay home.
I had labs drawn yesterday afternoon. Lab tech told me that the Dr should have them by this morning and if I was anxious to feel free to call. The spotting started hours after I got home, so I am not sure how the numbers will fall. The spotting also started after office hours and since I know there is NOTHING that can really be done, I didn't call the emergency number. So, I'll call the office later this morning and hopefully be able to talk to a nurse. I don't know what the numbers will say. I have a hunch...
I am feeling really numb and raw all at once right now.
I started spotting last night. That was my last hope. There hadn't been ANY spotting until last night. And now there is. I know that all the evidence now points that this pregnancy is not going to end in a miracle. I really thought I had protected myself and that I wasn't going to feel my heart break once again. But as the spotting has continued, a little piece of my heart broke off once again.
The spotting is not heavy- there is nothing on a liner- only on the TP. It's dark in color. All would be good signs if I didn't already have the other two strikes- slow rising HCG and u/s that measures behind. Of course there is an itsy bitsy tiny part of me that is holding out for just a tiny sliver of hope. But my head and my heart knows what this all means.
I decided to stay home from work today. I know it doesn't really do anything to stay off my feet at this point- but I want to at least know that I did everything I could. I also didn't think my mental state would be very conducive to interactions with middle school children today either... We also finally had the first big snow storm of the year so the roads are a mess. My favorite sub was able to come in today- so it just made sense to stay home.
I had labs drawn yesterday afternoon. Lab tech told me that the Dr should have them by this morning and if I was anxious to feel free to call. The spotting started hours after I got home, so I am not sure how the numbers will fall. The spotting also started after office hours and since I know there is NOTHING that can really be done, I didn't call the emergency number. So, I'll call the office later this morning and hopefully be able to talk to a nurse. I don't know what the numbers will say. I have a hunch...
I am feeling really numb and raw all at once right now.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
More limbo...
I'm not sure what to think at this point. I hope some of you can shed some light and some hope our way.
We had our u/s today and there clearly is a gestational sac. Good news as this means that I am no longer on "red alert" status for a possible ectopic. However, the sac is measuring small. Today showed little growth from the last u/s- but that was ONLY THREE DAYS AGO. The sac is measuring at 4w2d.
The other concern is my beta. The beta only went up to 2300 on Monday from 1800 on Saturday. Yes, it is a rise... but nowhere near doubling. The OB said he would have liked it to be higher, but he is happy it is continuing to rise and reminded me that they stop doubling at some point.
Since I have NO IDEA when I ovulated, I don't have a clue where I am at. Of course looking at Dr Goo.gle, hcg of 2300 is high for 4w2d (which would be 16dpo, right?)
This is the second tech to tell me I have a slight bicornute uterus. Um, what? Apparently they think I have some sort of septum? This was never discussed at CC.RM and I have a really hard time thinking that this is something they missed while I was there. Really? Anyone else think that is strange? Tech also said that the sac is very far to the right.
I have no spotting. The cramping is gone. The girls are still sore. I felt like crap all day today.
I don't know what to think. Anyone have any wise words or stories of hope?
Repeat labs on Thursday. If numbers are still going up, then repeat u/s in two weeks.
Can't we just get a clear answer?!
We had our u/s today and there clearly is a gestational sac. Good news as this means that I am no longer on "red alert" status for a possible ectopic. However, the sac is measuring small. Today showed little growth from the last u/s- but that was ONLY THREE DAYS AGO. The sac is measuring at 4w2d.
The other concern is my beta. The beta only went up to 2300 on Monday from 1800 on Saturday. Yes, it is a rise... but nowhere near doubling. The OB said he would have liked it to be higher, but he is happy it is continuing to rise and reminded me that they stop doubling at some point.
Since I have NO IDEA when I ovulated, I don't have a clue where I am at. Of course looking at Dr Goo.gle, hcg of 2300 is high for 4w2d (which would be 16dpo, right?)
This is the second tech to tell me I have a slight bicornute uterus. Um, what? Apparently they think I have some sort of septum? This was never discussed at CC.RM and I have a really hard time thinking that this is something they missed while I was there. Really? Anyone else think that is strange? Tech also said that the sac is very far to the right.
I have no spotting. The cramping is gone. The girls are still sore. I felt like crap all day today.
I don't know what to think. Anyone have any wise words or stories of hope?
Repeat labs on Thursday. If numbers are still going up, then repeat u/s in two weeks.
Can't we just get a clear answer?!
Monday, January 9, 2012
Today's OB Appt
Today's appointment was much more relaxed. I really do like the OB. He is older and experienced, but also willing to do what I need to feel assured. Saturday's labs were at 1800, which is shy of doubling. However, the OB is not concerned as it wasn't 48 hours inbetween. Thursday's test was in the afternoon, and Saturday was first thing in the morning. I am not going to worry about that. I am not going to worry about that... Do I sound like I mean that? :)
They did the full initial OB appointment today which meant 5 vials of blood as well as my vitals. My blood pressure was actually lower than I expected. :) He also talked about the fact that he has every intention of sending me to the MFM practice when I hit 12 weeks. I like that I didn't have to bring that up and that he is thinking ahead. He wanted to do a pap today since it has been over a year, but when I was concerned- he told me we would wait until March or so. I know it isn't really going to cause issues, but I just don't want to risk any extra activity down there right now. He was VERY receptive, so that made me feel even more confident in his care.
He is cautiously optimistic at this point. I am still at risk for an ectopic due to my history. I don't have any signs or symptoms, but he really wants to error on the side of caution. So- as long as my beta comes back at 3600 or so today I am back tomorrow for another u/s. I flinched at first- I just don't know if I can handle another inconclusive ultrasound. But he feels strongly that we SHOULD see a gestational sac if my beta is over 3000 and needs to rule out an ectopic. He said he would put me at the last slot- giving it as long as possible. He will be in the office tomorrow afternoon and will meet with us after the u/s.
He thinks that we are at about 5 weeks- so it is REALLY early still. When we did the "math" that makes sense. :) However, when you look at my last period, it seems like I should be closer to 8 weeks. It is getting frustrating explaining this to every medical professional. I am hoping that it is the original u/s tech tomorrow who already knows my story. I am sure I will have to explain yet again. But I have now had my "official" first appointment, so hopefully all of the confusion with that is over.
So please keep the positive thinking and good thoughts coming. The u/s is scheduled for 4:30 tomorrow. Hoping we will finally have some good news.
They did the full initial OB appointment today which meant 5 vials of blood as well as my vitals. My blood pressure was actually lower than I expected. :) He also talked about the fact that he has every intention of sending me to the MFM practice when I hit 12 weeks. I like that I didn't have to bring that up and that he is thinking ahead. He wanted to do a pap today since it has been over a year, but when I was concerned- he told me we would wait until March or so. I know it isn't really going to cause issues, but I just don't want to risk any extra activity down there right now. He was VERY receptive, so that made me feel even more confident in his care.
He is cautiously optimistic at this point. I am still at risk for an ectopic due to my history. I don't have any signs or symptoms, but he really wants to error on the side of caution. So- as long as my beta comes back at 3600 or so today I am back tomorrow for another u/s. I flinched at first- I just don't know if I can handle another inconclusive ultrasound. But he feels strongly that we SHOULD see a gestational sac if my beta is over 3000 and needs to rule out an ectopic. He said he would put me at the last slot- giving it as long as possible. He will be in the office tomorrow afternoon and will meet with us after the u/s.
He thinks that we are at about 5 weeks- so it is REALLY early still. When we did the "math" that makes sense. :) However, when you look at my last period, it seems like I should be closer to 8 weeks. It is getting frustrating explaining this to every medical professional. I am hoping that it is the original u/s tech tomorrow who already knows my story. I am sure I will have to explain yet again. But I have now had my "official" first appointment, so hopefully all of the confusion with that is over.
So please keep the positive thinking and good thoughts coming. The u/s is scheduled for 4:30 tomorrow. Hoping we will finally have some good news.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
One more day
Thank you for all of your comments on my last post. It means so much to have so many of you cheering and supporting us from around the web. To those of you who've been in my shoes... thank you so much for sharing your stories and letting me know that I am not alone in my feelings.
I am feeling better today. I am having some feelings of guilt about my rant yesterday about not wanting to do this. I have irrational fears that my emotions yesterday will cause this pregnancy to end in miscarriage. Now my rational side knows how crazy that sounds. Really, I do. I spent some time thinking this morning and trying to convince the "cosmos" how much Chris and I really do want this pregnancy to stick. (I have some serious faith issues- thus the reason for cosmos rather than G.od) There, I admit it. I really want this to work. But I also know in my heart that we are meant to adopt. I'm not going to try to fight those two feelings right now. I'm trying to just let go and embrace whatever the next few days/weeks/months hold.
I did spend some time being creative in my studio. I am taking an online class and it felt good to create for myself. I haven't done that it months. With our etsy store funding our adoption, so much of my creative time has been spent stocking my store and filling orders. I am so thankful that I am able to use my creative talents to raise much needed funds. But it feels so good to create just for the sake of creating. I'm hoping to steal some time tomorrow to get some cards made up for the etsy store too.
I am trying so hard not to obcess about symptoms and such. I was thinking that the girls didn't feel as full as before, but once I put on a bra, it was clear that they are just as full. I haven't had any cramping today- other than some light "tugging" in my right side. They cyst is on the right side, and the "speck" they saw on u/s is also on the right side of my uterus. So it makes sense. There still is really no spotting. There may be some tiny slight brown when I go looking for it. For those of you IF vets, you know what I am talking about. :) I was up to go to the bathroom three times during the night. I seem to be crying at really stupid commercials and tv shows.
I've sent off my sub plans for tomorrow. I am a little worried about my students having a sub this close to break, but my favorite go to sub agreed to come in for me. She is the amazing woman who covered for me when I had my first miscarriage in 2010. I know she will be able to handle things. I had a feeling there might be an issue, so I made most of the needed copies before I left school on Friday. So I am hoping to just embrace the day off as a chance to spend some time with Chris... which is a premium this time of the year.
Thank you again for your love and support. Looks like I've made it one more day. It's one day at a time for now.
I am feeling better today. I am having some feelings of guilt about my rant yesterday about not wanting to do this. I have irrational fears that my emotions yesterday will cause this pregnancy to end in miscarriage. Now my rational side knows how crazy that sounds. Really, I do. I spent some time thinking this morning and trying to convince the "cosmos" how much Chris and I really do want this pregnancy to stick. (I have some serious faith issues- thus the reason for cosmos rather than G.od) There, I admit it. I really want this to work. But I also know in my heart that we are meant to adopt. I'm not going to try to fight those two feelings right now. I'm trying to just let go and embrace whatever the next few days/weeks/months hold.
I did spend some time being creative in my studio. I am taking an online class and it felt good to create for myself. I haven't done that it months. With our etsy store funding our adoption, so much of my creative time has been spent stocking my store and filling orders. I am so thankful that I am able to use my creative talents to raise much needed funds. But it feels so good to create just for the sake of creating. I'm hoping to steal some time tomorrow to get some cards made up for the etsy store too.
I am trying so hard not to obcess about symptoms and such. I was thinking that the girls didn't feel as full as before, but once I put on a bra, it was clear that they are just as full. I haven't had any cramping today- other than some light "tugging" in my right side. They cyst is on the right side, and the "speck" they saw on u/s is also on the right side of my uterus. So it makes sense. There still is really no spotting. There may be some tiny slight brown when I go looking for it. For those of you IF vets, you know what I am talking about. :) I was up to go to the bathroom three times during the night. I seem to be crying at really stupid commercials and tv shows.
I've sent off my sub plans for tomorrow. I am a little worried about my students having a sub this close to break, but my favorite go to sub agreed to come in for me. She is the amazing woman who covered for me when I had my first miscarriage in 2010. I know she will be able to handle things. I had a feeling there might be an issue, so I made most of the needed copies before I left school on Friday. So I am hoping to just embrace the day off as a chance to spend some time with Chris... which is a premium this time of the year.
Thank you again for your love and support. Looks like I've made it one more day. It's one day at a time for now.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Too early....
It's still too early to see much. After much prodding today, the u/s tech finally found the same small spot that last week's tech saw. This was after saying over and over that she didn't see a gestational sac at all.
Thursday's HCG was just over 1000, so right where it should be. That means that if things continue to double as they are supposed to, they would be just over 2000 today. So that would still "match" the u/s results. But it confuses everyone when they look at my last LMP. I've explained that I don't ovulate on day 14.
I am really angry at the doctor on call, however. When I came out of the u/s room, she basically attacked me about missing an appointment yesterday. This was the first appt I made, and have since been seen and told to cancel that appt since I was coming in today. The nurse called me on Thursday night about it, and I confirmed that I was cancelling that appointment. Nobody said I still needed to come in for this appointment. This was the Dr I was supposed to see. She kept saying, "You still need a first appointment." Um, okay. But I have been seen by another Dr. She then went on to tell me that it was too early for an u/s and she didn't understand why I was there. Um, because the other Dr told me to come in? I was almost in tears standing in the hallway. We've just been through a rough u/s and now I'm being yelled at? Seriously? I am a rule follower. I am a good patient. Don't accuse me of not following directions.
As she walked away, she flippantly said "I'm sure I will see you. Oh, and I'm sure this pregnancy will work out." Um, really? You just yelled at me in the hallway. You don't know my history. You don't know how terrified I am. You can't just flippantly throw something like that out there.
The nurse took me back to get my labs and closed the door. She apologized profusely for the Dr. She said the Dr's kid is sick and she is flustered. She assured me that is not how she usually treats patients. It took everything I had not to break down into tears right there. The lab tech then had a really hard time trying to get my veins to cooperate. Three sticks later, finally in my hand, we were able to get enough blood to fill the tube.
Then I had to go to the front desk to reschedule the appointment that I didn't know I needed. Thankfully there was an appointment with the Dr I've been dealing with already instead of the crabby b&tch who yelled at me. She is the OB that my friend highly recommends, but I don't think I could deal with being yelled at all the time. They have to squeeze me in because everyone is completely booked. So now I have to take a full day off from work on Monday instead of missing one class period last Friday.
Needless to say, if this pregnancy does in fact progress, I will be looking into another practice. My nerves are just shot after all these years. I can't handle the stress of miscommunication and being yelled at by the medical staff.
I had a complete breakdown in the parking lot. While I will be beyond thrilled if this pregnancy succeeds, I just don't want to do this. I don't want to deal with dr offices, lab techs, and constant worry. I closed this flipping chapter of my life. I don't want to do this. Please don't think I am not hoping that everything turns out just fine. I just don't know if all the stress, heartache, and tears will be worth it. I chose to stop treatment. I chose to close this door. And yet here I am, shoved back into the trenches.
I am afraid that I won't survive this time. Sure, I will physically survive... that's what I do. But I really truly don't know how much more I can take emotionally. I did get Chris to agree that if this pregnancy goes south, I will go on some form of birth control. I can't do this. My heart isn't strong enough.
So we spend another week in limbo land. I know I've said this before. I just wish I could see into a a crystal ball and know how the future turns out. Then maybe I can grin and bear the heartache knowing that it is all worth it in the end.
Chris is at a meet all weekend. It's just Romeo and I at home. Chris took down the tree, so thankfully I don't have to worry about that. Hoping to spend some time in my studio this afternoon feeding my soul and keeping my mind and hands busy.
Thank you for your love and support. It means the world to me.
Thursday's HCG was just over 1000, so right where it should be. That means that if things continue to double as they are supposed to, they would be just over 2000 today. So that would still "match" the u/s results. But it confuses everyone when they look at my last LMP. I've explained that I don't ovulate on day 14.
I am really angry at the doctor on call, however. When I came out of the u/s room, she basically attacked me about missing an appointment yesterday. This was the first appt I made, and have since been seen and told to cancel that appt since I was coming in today. The nurse called me on Thursday night about it, and I confirmed that I was cancelling that appointment. Nobody said I still needed to come in for this appointment. This was the Dr I was supposed to see. She kept saying, "You still need a first appointment." Um, okay. But I have been seen by another Dr. She then went on to tell me that it was too early for an u/s and she didn't understand why I was there. Um, because the other Dr told me to come in? I was almost in tears standing in the hallway. We've just been through a rough u/s and now I'm being yelled at? Seriously? I am a rule follower. I am a good patient. Don't accuse me of not following directions.
As she walked away, she flippantly said "I'm sure I will see you. Oh, and I'm sure this pregnancy will work out." Um, really? You just yelled at me in the hallway. You don't know my history. You don't know how terrified I am. You can't just flippantly throw something like that out there.
The nurse took me back to get my labs and closed the door. She apologized profusely for the Dr. She said the Dr's kid is sick and she is flustered. She assured me that is not how she usually treats patients. It took everything I had not to break down into tears right there. The lab tech then had a really hard time trying to get my veins to cooperate. Three sticks later, finally in my hand, we were able to get enough blood to fill the tube.
Then I had to go to the front desk to reschedule the appointment that I didn't know I needed. Thankfully there was an appointment with the Dr I've been dealing with already instead of the crabby b&tch who yelled at me. She is the OB that my friend highly recommends, but I don't think I could deal with being yelled at all the time. They have to squeeze me in because everyone is completely booked. So now I have to take a full day off from work on Monday instead of missing one class period last Friday.
Needless to say, if this pregnancy does in fact progress, I will be looking into another practice. My nerves are just shot after all these years. I can't handle the stress of miscommunication and being yelled at by the medical staff.
I had a complete breakdown in the parking lot. While I will be beyond thrilled if this pregnancy succeeds, I just don't want to do this. I don't want to deal with dr offices, lab techs, and constant worry. I closed this flipping chapter of my life. I don't want to do this. Please don't think I am not hoping that everything turns out just fine. I just don't know if all the stress, heartache, and tears will be worth it. I chose to stop treatment. I chose to close this door. And yet here I am, shoved back into the trenches.
I am afraid that I won't survive this time. Sure, I will physically survive... that's what I do. But I really truly don't know how much more I can take emotionally. I did get Chris to agree that if this pregnancy goes south, I will go on some form of birth control. I can't do this. My heart isn't strong enough.
So we spend another week in limbo land. I know I've said this before. I just wish I could see into a a crystal ball and know how the future turns out. Then maybe I can grin and bear the heartache knowing that it is all worth it in the end.
Chris is at a meet all weekend. It's just Romeo and I at home. Chris took down the tree, so thankfully I don't have to worry about that. Hoping to spend some time in my studio this afternoon feeding my soul and keeping my mind and hands busy.
Thank you for your love and support. It means the world to me.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Tomorrow...
I am trying to keep it together. I've been here before. I know how this story has ended in the past. I thought I was protecting myself and wasn't invested in this pregnancy yet. Who am I kidding?
I had labs yesterday, but don't have those results yet. I am not freaking out about that- I figured I would get them at tomorrow's appointment. I'm ok about not knowing those results right now.
I am terrified about the u/s tomorrow. I've never gone into an u/s with the hope of truly having a viable pregnancy. The last two times I've been bleeding and knew it was over. This time... there's no bleeding. So, there is a real *chance* that this might be the first u/s with a positive outcome. And that scares me... a lot.
I had a meltdown this morning. I had some serious cramping (which I've been told can be normal) and was sure that this was the end. In the end, I really think it was some stomach issues rather than anything else. But it was this experience that made me realize how invested I already am in hoping for this pregnancy. I thought that I was protecting myself- preparing myself for the possibility for this not being a viable pregnancy. But is there really a way to do that? Even after all of our losses, I don't know that you can ever be prepared.
I think the hardest part for me is that I don't know what to expect. All of my "schema" is based on pregnancies ending up in miscarriage. I don't like the unknown. I like to play all of the possibilities in my head before a stressful situation. I don't know how to prepare for tomorrow's u/s. I just have to jump with both feet and take whatever the u/s shows.
I'm frustrated with my body. While I will be over the moon thrilled if my body decides to cooperate and carry a baby to term- I might make peace with her. For now, I am angry. Just as I make peace with a decision and we make a choice to move in a new direction in our journey to parenthood, my body throws us a curve ball. Why did it take ten years for my body to figure out how to get pregnant on its own? (Trust me, we've been "practicing" for almost 20 years) After 11 years, why have I been able to get pregnant on my own (ok, with some help from Chris...) TWICE in SIX MONTHS? Can I hope that it will finally figure it all the way out?
My symptoms are still there. The girls are VERY sore and seem to be like caged animals in my current bra. I'm exhausted. I am lightheaded at times and feel like my head is in a fog about 80% of the time. I had a few bouts of slight nausea today and rotten heartburn. There is NO SPOTTING. So for all intense purposes, I should expect to have a positive u/s tomorrow. Why is that so hard?
Please think good thoughts around 9:00 tomorrow morning. Please let me stay sane through whatever the next 24 hours holds.
I had labs yesterday, but don't have those results yet. I am not freaking out about that- I figured I would get them at tomorrow's appointment. I'm ok about not knowing those results right now.
I am terrified about the u/s tomorrow. I've never gone into an u/s with the hope of truly having a viable pregnancy. The last two times I've been bleeding and knew it was over. This time... there's no bleeding. So, there is a real *chance* that this might be the first u/s with a positive outcome. And that scares me... a lot.
I had a meltdown this morning. I had some serious cramping (which I've been told can be normal) and was sure that this was the end. In the end, I really think it was some stomach issues rather than anything else. But it was this experience that made me realize how invested I already am in hoping for this pregnancy. I thought that I was protecting myself- preparing myself for the possibility for this not being a viable pregnancy. But is there really a way to do that? Even after all of our losses, I don't know that you can ever be prepared.
I think the hardest part for me is that I don't know what to expect. All of my "schema" is based on pregnancies ending up in miscarriage. I don't like the unknown. I like to play all of the possibilities in my head before a stressful situation. I don't know how to prepare for tomorrow's u/s. I just have to jump with both feet and take whatever the u/s shows.
I'm frustrated with my body. While I will be over the moon thrilled if my body decides to cooperate and carry a baby to term- I might make peace with her. For now, I am angry. Just as I make peace with a decision and we make a choice to move in a new direction in our journey to parenthood, my body throws us a curve ball. Why did it take ten years for my body to figure out how to get pregnant on its own? (Trust me, we've been "practicing" for almost 20 years) After 11 years, why have I been able to get pregnant on my own (ok, with some help from Chris...) TWICE in SIX MONTHS? Can I hope that it will finally figure it all the way out?
My symptoms are still there. The girls are VERY sore and seem to be like caged animals in my current bra. I'm exhausted. I am lightheaded at times and feel like my head is in a fog about 80% of the time. I had a few bouts of slight nausea today and rotten heartburn. There is NO SPOTTING. So for all intense purposes, I should expect to have a positive u/s tomorrow. Why is that so hard?
Please think good thoughts around 9:00 tomorrow morning. Please let me stay sane through whatever the next 24 hours holds.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
469
After feeling very frustrated with the OB office, I finally heard from the OB himself.
Yesterday's HCG was 469. Progesterone 17.6.
So we're in a good place... for now....
He seems to be a conscientious man and wants to keep a really close eye on things. That's perfectly fine with me! He feels that my HCG needs to be close to 2000 before they can see a sac on the ultrasound, so he wants to move it to Saturday. He doesn't want to wait the entire weekend just to be cautious and be sure there is nothing ectopic. So Saturday morning u/s it is...
I have to call the office in the morning and schedule an appt for tomorrow afternoon- which also happens to be the first day back with kids. It's easier for me to get out in the afternoon, so hopefully this will all fall into place.
Still no spotting- and trust me I am checking VERY often. :) We've been at this place before. I will be able to breathe again once we get to the point beyond where we've ever been. It's going to be a long few weeks....
Thank you for all of your love and support. We obviously aren't telling too many people in real life about this, so it means so much to share this with you.
Yesterday's HCG was 469. Progesterone 17.6.
So we're in a good place... for now....
He seems to be a conscientious man and wants to keep a really close eye on things. That's perfectly fine with me! He feels that my HCG needs to be close to 2000 before they can see a sac on the ultrasound, so he wants to move it to Saturday. He doesn't want to wait the entire weekend just to be cautious and be sure there is nothing ectopic. So Saturday morning u/s it is...
I have to call the office in the morning and schedule an appt for tomorrow afternoon- which also happens to be the first day back with kids. It's easier for me to get out in the afternoon, so hopefully this will all fall into place.
Still no spotting- and trust me I am checking VERY often. :) We've been at this place before. I will be able to breathe again once we get to the point beyond where we've ever been. It's going to be a long few weeks....
Thank you for all of your love and support. We obviously aren't telling too many people in real life about this, so it means so much to share this with you.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
HCG #1= 76
It's a whole different world dealing with an OB office rather than an RE. They just do things much more laid back. They aren't used to people like me who have a knowledge base and need to know. But I am trying to embrace this change and be as "normal" as possible. This is a natural pregnancy for now and I am trying hard to let be what will be.
I had to ask for Saturday's lab results when I went in this morning. Saturday's HCG was 76. I'm feeling ok about that considering it seems to "match" what we saw on the u/s, right? If it was really high, we'd be in trouble I think. They didn't seem to draw for P4, so I have no idea where that was at. I am on minimal support now but I did have them draw it today. I know that the statistics tell you that low P4 is often indicative of a "bad" pregnancy. But I also know that I have an issue with low Progesterone.
So for now we wait and see. I won't get today's lab results until tomorrow. Another difference in dealing with an OB rather than an RE. I'm trying to keep it all in perspective and keep it together until tomorrow. I have to return to work tomorrow, so it will be nice to have the distraction. Hoping that the call comes at a point that I can get away and take the news. Thankfully I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow afternoon. (She's back from maternity leave!)
As of today, everything seems good. Symptoms are the same- Sore girls, fatigue, and crazy dreams still there. Not much nausea but a few light headed moments. Nothing serious at all- just a moment of "hmm, I don't feel just right" There is still NO SPOTTING at all. I am obsessed with checking of course.
Today is my very last day of break. I wish I had a few more days, but don't we all? Thankful for a short week with kids. We have meetings all day tomorrow and kids only on Thursday and Friday.
Thank you for all the sweet comments and good thoughts. Keep them coming...
I had to ask for Saturday's lab results when I went in this morning. Saturday's HCG was 76. I'm feeling ok about that considering it seems to "match" what we saw on the u/s, right? If it was really high, we'd be in trouble I think. They didn't seem to draw for P4, so I have no idea where that was at. I am on minimal support now but I did have them draw it today. I know that the statistics tell you that low P4 is often indicative of a "bad" pregnancy. But I also know that I have an issue with low Progesterone.
So for now we wait and see. I won't get today's lab results until tomorrow. Another difference in dealing with an OB rather than an RE. I'm trying to keep it all in perspective and keep it together until tomorrow. I have to return to work tomorrow, so it will be nice to have the distraction. Hoping that the call comes at a point that I can get away and take the news. Thankfully I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow afternoon. (She's back from maternity leave!)
As of today, everything seems good. Symptoms are the same- Sore girls, fatigue, and crazy dreams still there. Not much nausea but a few light headed moments. Nothing serious at all- just a moment of "hmm, I don't feel just right" There is still NO SPOTTING at all. I am obsessed with checking of course.
Today is my very last day of break. I wish I had a few more days, but don't we all? Thankful for a short week with kids. We have meetings all day tomorrow and kids only on Thursday and Friday.
Thank you for all the sweet comments and good thoughts. Keep them coming...
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