Three

Did anyone else grow up hearing that things happen in threes?  I grew up hearing that death, major events, and births happen in threes.  Interestingly, that is usually the case. 

You know where this is going, right?

I now have three coworkers that are pregnant and all due within a month of each other.  The third teacher came to me today.  She happens to be a good friend and one of the teachers I share a room with in my new role.  She was afraid to tell me... just as every person close to me has been.  She also knows of our struggle, and like my other close friend, started "trying" right away because she knew that it could take time.  She and my other friend were married a day apart... in June... June 2012.  Which means they BOTH got pregnant the first month they tried following getting married.  I spent the early summer working on things for their weddings. 

The other coworker is expecting her second child.  She has a two year old already.  She suffers from PCOS, but is one of the lucky ones I guess...  But it's the other two that are weighing heavily on my heart tonight.

I wonder if there will ever be a time that my heart doesn't break with a pregnancy announcement.  I think these sting a little more because they both started trying right away because of my struggle- knowing that it doesn't work for some people.  Yet, they both got very lucky.  They both know just how lucky they are, and for that I am grateful.  They both shared with me how much they treasure the gift that they have been given.  And they both get it... at least for now.  Talk to me in a few months when they are both showing and it might be another story all together.

I can't help but have a little pity party tonight.  We're still waiting.  We're still hoping.  We're trying to live each day and believe that in the end all of this will be worth it.  My heart is breaking tonight.  I just don't understand why we have to watch all of those around us become parents while we want nothing more than to have the chance.  While I know that all of this is not related, but part of me has to wonder why these other women (who are amazing people and will be amazing mothers) have been given the gift that I so desperately yearn for.  Why aren't I good enough to become a mom?  Why can't my body carry a pregnancy?  Why can't a woman choose us to become the parents to her child? 

You would think that after all these years it would get easier.  In some ways it is easier- I was able to smile and ask all the right questions when my coworker told me today.  She knew the story of the coworker who did it all wrong- and wanted to make sure I knew long before it was out.  I was able to keep it together and not shed a tear at work until I had a private moment to call Chris.  So I suppose in some ways it is easier- or maybe I just have developed an armor. 

Of course today is CD#1... and it is a doozy- heavy and crampy.  I really just wanted to curl up into a ball today.  But I survived a full day of work and made it home in one piece. That's probably the bottom line... I am a survivor.