Infertility has shaped the woman I am today. It has been a constant in my life for the past 12 years and I am coming to the realization that it will always be a part of who I am. I've heard from those who have crossed over that it does become less of who you are, but that it is always there. Adding in our recurrent pregnancy loss of the past 18 months has added another layer that weighs me down. There are days that it is really just a heavy burden that I wish I could collapse under. But I am strong, and I continue to get stronger each day- because that is the only choice I have. My drive to become a mother and see my husband blossom as a father carries me through. However, there are days that its just so heavy that I don't know how I will continue to move forward. It's one of those days today, and I feel like I need to just take a little rest.
Of the many things that infertility and RPL have taken from me, the one that hurts the most is the loss of trust in my body. I'm not really talking about body image- that's another post all together. I'm talking about being able to trust my body to do what it is supposed to do. Trust in my intuition and the signs my body gives. Spending years as an infertility survivor makes you acutely aware of your body in a way that many women never really get to experience. I know where my ovaries are- I mean really know and can feel them when they are full of cysts or ready to ovulate. I am so in tune with the symptoms of pregnancy. I've felt them too many times over the past two years. I know how my body changes in the early days of a pregnancy. I know how it feels when a pregnancy ends too soon.
But then I wonder if my body and mind are truly in sync. Am I really feeling things? Or is it my mind playing tricks on me? Has all of this loss and struggle caused me to lose my mind? It has gotten to the point that I don't even verbalize many of this to anyone- I'm afraid that people will think I've lost my mind. Those closest to me don't even know what to say anymore. They've said "I'm sorry" more times than any person should have to.
For the past two weeks, I've felt something. I am terrified that I might be pregnant and miscarrying again. But then I question myself and wonder if I am just programmed to think this. It's been all I've known for the past two years and it's about "time" for me to go through this again. I had many of the same symptoms I've had before. I actually even had a strong AF start while we were in Omaha. So I thought I could finally put things to rest and move on. I didn't test and I enjoyed adult beverages.
But there's been a nagging sense of something. My gums have been really swollen- which was a tell tale sign in the past. I'm crying at the drop of a hat and can fall asleep just about any time. The girls seem swollen. My sense of smell is ridiculous. This morning I woke up with cramps again. AF has been long gone. But this was the path that things went down last summer- I had what I thought was AF and then a week later I started bleeding again. I tested and learned that I was pregnant and miscarrying all at once.
I feel silly. Surely, this is all in my mind. I have tests in the house, but I feel silly using them. And if I use them and get a positive- then what? There's no way that this is going to end well. I suppose I will test- maybe tomorrow just to put my mind at ease. What's the cost of another pregnancy test at this point, right?
I hate this. I hate that I can't trust my body. I hate that I can't trust my mind. I hate that I can't trust myself.
Update:
Tested this AM with digital. Clearly NOT PREGNANT. Feeling relief but also wondering if it was in fact another really early m/c. Ugh! Thankful that I don't have to endure months of beta hell like I did last summer. Thanks for all of your sweet comments!
Showing posts with label RPL. Show all posts
Showing posts with label RPL. Show all posts
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Exhale
Sorry that I've been MIA. The end of the school year is always crazy and I am happy to say that I made it to the end in one piece. I am so thankful that the school year is over. One of the blessings of teaching is that there is an end. Every rough class, every rough year, every rough experience is over once the school year comes to a close. (On the flip- every great class also leaves after a year.)
The sense of relief I am feeling is unbelievable. While the students were especially challenging this year, it was also a tough year for me personally. We're still in adoption limbo- I am trying so hard to keep the hope. We've been told over and over what an "ideal" couple we are. I honestly thought that we'd finally be on a smooth path to parenthood and that we would be on the fast track. Just once, we had hoped that things would fall into place for us.
And yet, here we are more than a year waiting. We haven't had a serious "lead" (I really hate that term, but not sure how else to phrase it) in several months. My heart is heavy with longing. I am trying hard to keep my jealousy/why not me monster in check. Of course last night I was looking at our attorney's website of waiting families, and noticed at least three couples who signed AFTER us that are now parents. Now, I know that there is no sense of order to this and that the right woman is out there for us. I'm just so tired of waiting.
We had several people contact us recently about a local situation through a national agency. They were looking for a family for a newborn with down syndrome and a significant heart defect. My heart leapt when I read the first email, but I know in my heart of hearts that this was not the right situation for us. We literally had four different people email about this situation.
My head is full of thoughts about this and our adoption process in general. I can't seem to find the right words to express it right now. I've typed and erased line after line. The bottom line- I'm feeling a little hopeless and conflicted and excited and sad and frustrated and so much more.
AF showed up on Memorial Day- which means I've now had two "normalish" cycles of 32-34 days. That's just unheard of for this PCOS/RPL gal. And isn't it crazy that a tiny part of me was actually sad when AF showed up? I don't know what is going on with my body though- my hormones seem to be a hot mess all around. I've been exhausted and weepy. Hormones? Or just the stress of everything?
I am really looking forward to the slower pace of summer. While I feel that I can breathe again with school being over, I also feel like I am holding my breath in terms of our adoption. I am hoping I will finally be able to exhale soon- that finally it will be our turn in all of this.
The sense of relief I am feeling is unbelievable. While the students were especially challenging this year, it was also a tough year for me personally. We're still in adoption limbo- I am trying so hard to keep the hope. We've been told over and over what an "ideal" couple we are. I honestly thought that we'd finally be on a smooth path to parenthood and that we would be on the fast track. Just once, we had hoped that things would fall into place for us.
And yet, here we are more than a year waiting. We haven't had a serious "lead" (I really hate that term, but not sure how else to phrase it) in several months. My heart is heavy with longing. I am trying hard to keep my jealousy/why not me monster in check. Of course last night I was looking at our attorney's website of waiting families, and noticed at least three couples who signed AFTER us that are now parents. Now, I know that there is no sense of order to this and that the right woman is out there for us. I'm just so tired of waiting.
We had several people contact us recently about a local situation through a national agency. They were looking for a family for a newborn with down syndrome and a significant heart defect. My heart leapt when I read the first email, but I know in my heart of hearts that this was not the right situation for us. We literally had four different people email about this situation.
My head is full of thoughts about this and our adoption process in general. I can't seem to find the right words to express it right now. I've typed and erased line after line. The bottom line- I'm feeling a little hopeless and conflicted and excited and sad and frustrated and so much more.
AF showed up on Memorial Day- which means I've now had two "normalish" cycles of 32-34 days. That's just unheard of for this PCOS/RPL gal. And isn't it crazy that a tiny part of me was actually sad when AF showed up? I don't know what is going on with my body though- my hormones seem to be a hot mess all around. I've been exhausted and weepy. Hormones? Or just the stress of everything?
I am really looking forward to the slower pace of summer. While I feel that I can breathe again with school being over, I also feel like I am holding my breath in terms of our adoption. I am hoping I will finally be able to exhale soon- that finally it will be our turn in all of this.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Damn Little Voice
Just when I posted I am in a better place.... and now I have myself worked into a little bit of a crazy frenzy. I am all good... it's just my mind racing and hopefully playing tricks on me. I've only verbalized this craziness to Chris.
The girls appear to be "growing" as in swelling.... as in OMG not again.
My last AF lasted exactly two days. TWO days. That was two weeks ago.
I'm having crazy dreams. Like one where I was a clone and my real body had died and I was relieved I no longer had a functioning uterus. (Let's not even start to psychoanalyze that!)
I am exhausted. I've had some strange heartburn and hiccups. I feel like crying at kleenex commercials. And every. single. mother's. day. commercial.
I tested last week. Right after AF. (Who does that?!) It was a clear negative.
So why the hell do I have a little voice in my head right now?
Oh yeah... remember last May? When I discovered I was miscarrying before I really even knew I was pregnant. And then there was December when I learned I was pregnant again. This time we played the hope roullette until February when we learned that we no longer had a heartbeat and I had a d&c. I've had the little voice in my head both of those times.
Now, I also seem to have some serious CM today- which would be right on time for me to be ovulating. So, just maybe I am having a normal cycle. I've been on the crappy egg supplements for a few months now. (I'll post about that soon too...)
It's the end of the school year. Our big International Fair is tomorrow. This is the culminating activity for 6th grade and has pretty much been all we've worked on since Spring Break. Life is crazy intense with my students. Three of the eight had major meltdowns this week. So it really could all just be stress, right? There's also that pesky holiday on Sunday that is looming.
So please say a little prayer, mantra, anything that I can keep my sanity. Please let this not be a repeat of May and December. I'm just not ready yet. My heart can't handle another miscarriage.
Please let the little voice in my head be wrong...
The girls appear to be "growing" as in swelling.... as in OMG not again.
My last AF lasted exactly two days. TWO days. That was two weeks ago.
I'm having crazy dreams. Like one where I was a clone and my real body had died and I was relieved I no longer had a functioning uterus. (Let's not even start to psychoanalyze that!)
I am exhausted. I've had some strange heartburn and hiccups. I feel like crying at kleenex commercials. And every. single. mother's. day. commercial.
I tested last week. Right after AF. (Who does that?!) It was a clear negative.
So why the hell do I have a little voice in my head right now?
Oh yeah... remember last May? When I discovered I was miscarrying before I really even knew I was pregnant. And then there was December when I learned I was pregnant again. This time we played the hope roullette until February when we learned that we no longer had a heartbeat and I had a d&c. I've had the little voice in my head both of those times.
Now, I also seem to have some serious CM today- which would be right on time for me to be ovulating. So, just maybe I am having a normal cycle. I've been on the crappy egg supplements for a few months now. (I'll post about that soon too...)
It's the end of the school year. Our big International Fair is tomorrow. This is the culminating activity for 6th grade and has pretty much been all we've worked on since Spring Break. Life is crazy intense with my students. Three of the eight had major meltdowns this week. So it really could all just be stress, right? There's also that pesky holiday on Sunday that is looming.
So please say a little prayer, mantra, anything that I can keep my sanity. Please let this not be a repeat of May and December. I'm just not ready yet. My heart can't handle another miscarriage.
Please let the little voice in my head be wrong...
Thursday, April 26, 2012
CD 1...again
Today marks CD1. The second AF since the D & C. A remarkably normal 34 day cycle. (As normal as a PCOS gal can ask for)
So now what? We were told that we needed to wait at least two cycles before "trying" again. We also know that our last miscarriage was of a genetically normal fetus. I've been taking the CCRM "sucky egg" cocktail of supplements for two months now.
I've sent off an email to my beloved CCRM nurse. I have the name of a local RPL specialist and need to make a call to get a consult with her office. I need to call our adoption attorney. We haven't had any calls from her in more than a month.
I've had another really hard week at work. My one very challenging student had a really rough day. I've had 9 IEP meetings in the last two weeks and all the paperwork to go along with that.
I feel like I am in a hamster wheel. The scenery never changes. I work my ass off going in circles and in the end... I am right where I started.
It really all comes back to...
CD1 again,
So now what? We were told that we needed to wait at least two cycles before "trying" again. We also know that our last miscarriage was of a genetically normal fetus. I've been taking the CCRM "sucky egg" cocktail of supplements for two months now.
I've sent off an email to my beloved CCRM nurse. I have the name of a local RPL specialist and need to make a call to get a consult with her office. I need to call our adoption attorney. We haven't had any calls from her in more than a month.
I've had another really hard week at work. My one very challenging student had a really rough day. I've had 9 IEP meetings in the last two weeks and all the paperwork to go along with that.
I feel like I am in a hamster wheel. The scenery never changes. I work my ass off going in circles and in the end... I am right where I started.
It really all comes back to...
CD1 again,
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Tired of being "Normal"
After leaving yet another message with the office staff at the OB, I finally got a call back from the OB himself this afternoon. Honestly, I really like him as a doctor. He has always been kind and straight forward with me. It's the rest of the staff at the office that I can do without.
He apologized for not getting back to me sooner. They've changed to electronic records and he hasn't quite embraced it. He was expecting a written report for the lab, and it simply "appeared" in my file without him realizing it. Who knows how long it's been there.
The fetus was completely genetically NORMAL. 46 perfect chromosomes.
My heart sank when he told me. I was so hoping that it was just bad genetic luck. Nope, another completely normal fetus that my body has not allowed to thrive and grow. It's not just "meant to be" due to some horrible chromosomal anomoly. It's my body killing off perfectly normal embryos. Guess that throws out Dr Sch theory that the first m/c was due to the no-result embryo being the one that implanted.
The OB was kind and told me that he too, had hoped that we would learn that it was a genetic issue. He also was honest and said that there really was nothing more he could do to help us. He said he was more than willing to support me in anything I needed going forward, but that he was not comfortable taking the lead on my case. He said I was "unusual" and needed to work with a specialist. He couldn't think of anyone locally that specializes in RPL, and even shared that he doesn't think that anyone in the field really understands RPL.
So- where do we go from here? Chris is willing to consult with another doctor, as long as it doesn't cost more than what we can afford without impacting our adoption fund. I agree. If only we'd won the megamillions- even just a few numbers! It seems really foolish however, to attempt any additional treatment without knowing anything about what is now causing my RPL. He is willing to get a consult with Dr. Kwak- Kim since she is local to us anyway. I suppose it can't hurt to at least find out what her thoughts are on it all. I'm also sending off an email to my beloved CCRM nurse to get her thoughts. I'll keep taking the supplements. None of them can hurt me- and they all have good "life" effects other than egg quality. I wish we had someone that would volunteer to be a surrogate for us- someone we know and love. But that just doesn't seem to be in the cards either.
I dreamed last night that we had finally adopted a baby boy. It was one of those dreams that was so real and vivid that it seemed real. I woke up sad when I realized it had really just been a dream. My dear sweet Patches was also in my dream, alive and well playing with the baby. We were also surrounded by others who had adopted- but all of them were same sex couples. Not sure what that part of my dream means. I wish I felt that this all was a "sign" but I just don't buy into that anymore.
Our homestudy expires two weeks from tomorrow. It's been a full year since we completed the process. We went active with our attorney in September- so it's been more than 6 months that we've been actively trying to adopt. We'll just have to update things for our homestudy and of course pay another fee but it isn't nearly the process it was the first time. I was so hopeful that we'd finally get lucky and not need to update our homestudy- we'd be matched quickly. But it looks as if our adoption path is going to head the same way our treatment path went.
I hate being in this dark place. I don't want to feel this desperation that I am feeling right now. Becoming a mother has been my goal for so long. Please, pretty please, universe- let it all be worth it.
He apologized for not getting back to me sooner. They've changed to electronic records and he hasn't quite embraced it. He was expecting a written report for the lab, and it simply "appeared" in my file without him realizing it. Who knows how long it's been there.
The fetus was completely genetically NORMAL. 46 perfect chromosomes.
My heart sank when he told me. I was so hoping that it was just bad genetic luck. Nope, another completely normal fetus that my body has not allowed to thrive and grow. It's not just "meant to be" due to some horrible chromosomal anomoly. It's my body killing off perfectly normal embryos. Guess that throws out Dr Sch theory that the first m/c was due to the no-result embryo being the one that implanted.
The OB was kind and told me that he too, had hoped that we would learn that it was a genetic issue. He also was honest and said that there really was nothing more he could do to help us. He said he was more than willing to support me in anything I needed going forward, but that he was not comfortable taking the lead on my case. He said I was "unusual" and needed to work with a specialist. He couldn't think of anyone locally that specializes in RPL, and even shared that he doesn't think that anyone in the field really understands RPL.
So- where do we go from here? Chris is willing to consult with another doctor, as long as it doesn't cost more than what we can afford without impacting our adoption fund. I agree. If only we'd won the megamillions- even just a few numbers! It seems really foolish however, to attempt any additional treatment without knowing anything about what is now causing my RPL. He is willing to get a consult with Dr. Kwak- Kim since she is local to us anyway. I suppose it can't hurt to at least find out what her thoughts are on it all. I'm also sending off an email to my beloved CCRM nurse to get her thoughts. I'll keep taking the supplements. None of them can hurt me- and they all have good "life" effects other than egg quality. I wish we had someone that would volunteer to be a surrogate for us- someone we know and love. But that just doesn't seem to be in the cards either.
I dreamed last night that we had finally adopted a baby boy. It was one of those dreams that was so real and vivid that it seemed real. I woke up sad when I realized it had really just been a dream. My dear sweet Patches was also in my dream, alive and well playing with the baby. We were also surrounded by others who had adopted- but all of them were same sex couples. Not sure what that part of my dream means. I wish I felt that this all was a "sign" but I just don't buy into that anymore.
Our homestudy expires two weeks from tomorrow. It's been a full year since we completed the process. We went active with our attorney in September- so it's been more than 6 months that we've been actively trying to adopt. We'll just have to update things for our homestudy and of course pay another fee but it isn't nearly the process it was the first time. I was so hopeful that we'd finally get lucky and not need to update our homestudy- we'd be matched quickly. But it looks as if our adoption path is going to head the same way our treatment path went.
I hate being in this dark place. I don't want to feel this desperation that I am feeling right now. Becoming a mother has been my goal for so long. Please, pretty please, universe- let it all be worth it.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Baby Lust
I've recently discovered this term. Yes, I know it's been out there for a long time. But it just seems to be fitting with where I am at right now. I am totally feeling baby lust.
Now, let's be honest. I've been trying to have a baby for more than a decade now. I've injected god knows what into all parts of my body, endured multiple surgeries, flown across the country four times, and witnessed the + sign on the HPT only to have it ripped away three times in the past 18 months. Clearly, having a baby has been a driving focus in my life. I've put my life on hold in more than one way waiting for the day we are finally called parents.
However, there is just this sense of urgency that is building with me lately. At first I was turned off (pun intended) with the term baby lust. Lust feels like a dirty word- but if you take out the connotation, it really does seem to fit. Much like a teenage boy thinks about s*x every moment of the day, I find myself dreaming about babies at the most bizarre moments.
The idea creeps into my daily routines. Daydreaming about the day I finally hold my baby in my arms is the first thing I do in the morning, and the last thing I do before I drift off to sleep. The phone rings and I pray that it's our attorney calling to let us know about a situation... the situation that is finally meant to bring us to our forever child. Every single time I open my email, I hold my breath in hopes that there will be an email from our agency or another person giving us a lead that will bring us to our forever child. I literally feel a hole in my chest just writing about it now. I am so ready. Chris is so ready. We are so ready. When will it finally be our turn? When will we finally hold our forever child in our arms?
I called the OB today and had to leave a message with the moron receptionist. I had to repeat three times that I had a d&c and needed the testing results. At one point I considered saying, "I need to find out if the dead fetus removed from my uterus was chromosomally normal or if perhaps yet again my body killed the fetus due to some unknown issue." I refrained from that statement, but given the opportunity I might just say that if I have to call back. It is now after 6:00pm and I have not received a call back. Not a call from the OB, not a call from the nurse. No flipping call. It's been more than the 8 weeks which was supposed to be the longest the results would take. And the OB assured me he would call me as soon as he had results. These results are HUGE. I don't think anyone in the office really cares. I need to know if this was just another case of bad genetic luck, or if it is really time to admit that I will never be able to carry a child.
We need to make some decisions going forward once we get this information. I am 150% committed to our adoption plan. I know that our child was meant to find us. But I need to know if I should consider going on BCP to prevent another pregnancy that will end once my hostile uterus gets involved. Nobody can tell me why we can't get pregnant and stay pregnant. I know in my heart that there is NO way I can emotionally, physically, or spiritually handle a fourth miscarriage. But if we learn that there is a chance that we just had some bad luck in the genetics department, I am willing to let nature do its thing. (I know that we can once again have bad luck that ends up in m/c- I am 37 with PCOS, I get that...)
I've been taking the supplements for a month, and all in all feel pretty good. I am 99% sure I'm ovulating right now. It goes against every bone in my body to avoid s&x at this point, but it's what has to happen. I can't risk another doomed pregnancy so soon. We were told to wait two cycles regardless, so we are really following what we were told still. Given the current state of baby lust however, it is taking lots of will power. And let's be clear- ten years of infertility and three miscarriages pretty much suck all of the "regular" kind of lust from your body.
So for now, I am daydreaming of babies and imaginary nurseries. Hoping that one day soon I won't have to dream and we will finally have our forever child in our arms. And let's hope that someone from the OB office calls before I have to get ugly.
Now, let's be honest. I've been trying to have a baby for more than a decade now. I've injected god knows what into all parts of my body, endured multiple surgeries, flown across the country four times, and witnessed the + sign on the HPT only to have it ripped away three times in the past 18 months. Clearly, having a baby has been a driving focus in my life. I've put my life on hold in more than one way waiting for the day we are finally called parents.
However, there is just this sense of urgency that is building with me lately. At first I was turned off (pun intended) with the term baby lust. Lust feels like a dirty word- but if you take out the connotation, it really does seem to fit. Much like a teenage boy thinks about s*x every moment of the day, I find myself dreaming about babies at the most bizarre moments.
The idea creeps into my daily routines. Daydreaming about the day I finally hold my baby in my arms is the first thing I do in the morning, and the last thing I do before I drift off to sleep. The phone rings and I pray that it's our attorney calling to let us know about a situation... the situation that is finally meant to bring us to our forever child. Every single time I open my email, I hold my breath in hopes that there will be an email from our agency or another person giving us a lead that will bring us to our forever child. I literally feel a hole in my chest just writing about it now. I am so ready. Chris is so ready. We are so ready. When will it finally be our turn? When will we finally hold our forever child in our arms?
I called the OB today and had to leave a message with the moron receptionist. I had to repeat three times that I had a d&c and needed the testing results. At one point I considered saying, "I need to find out if the dead fetus removed from my uterus was chromosomally normal or if perhaps yet again my body killed the fetus due to some unknown issue." I refrained from that statement, but given the opportunity I might just say that if I have to call back. It is now after 6:00pm and I have not received a call back. Not a call from the OB, not a call from the nurse. No flipping call. It's been more than the 8 weeks which was supposed to be the longest the results would take. And the OB assured me he would call me as soon as he had results. These results are HUGE. I don't think anyone in the office really cares. I need to know if this was just another case of bad genetic luck, or if it is really time to admit that I will never be able to carry a child.
We need to make some decisions going forward once we get this information. I am 150% committed to our adoption plan. I know that our child was meant to find us. But I need to know if I should consider going on BCP to prevent another pregnancy that will end once my hostile uterus gets involved. Nobody can tell me why we can't get pregnant and stay pregnant. I know in my heart that there is NO way I can emotionally, physically, or spiritually handle a fourth miscarriage. But if we learn that there is a chance that we just had some bad luck in the genetics department, I am willing to let nature do its thing. (I know that we can once again have bad luck that ends up in m/c- I am 37 with PCOS, I get that...)
I've been taking the supplements for a month, and all in all feel pretty good. I am 99% sure I'm ovulating right now. It goes against every bone in my body to avoid s&x at this point, but it's what has to happen. I can't risk another doomed pregnancy so soon. We were told to wait two cycles regardless, so we are really following what we were told still. Given the current state of baby lust however, it is taking lots of will power. And let's be clear- ten years of infertility and three miscarriages pretty much suck all of the "regular" kind of lust from your body.
So for now, I am daydreaming of babies and imaginary nurseries. Hoping that one day soon I won't have to dream and we will finally have our forever child in our arms. And let's hope that someone from the OB office calls before I have to get ugly.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Why I Blog...
First off, thank you for all of the comments on my last post. Each and every one of them brought me a little more out of the fog and reminded me how much I truly value the support of the ALI community. There are so many of you who have been with me all along this journey and some that are just joining in now. There are those who don't read my blog any more for many reasons.
Yesterday's post was stirred in part after reading a post written by Mel. There is a hot controversy in the ALI blogging community right now, and the whole thing left me feeling a little more raw than I expected. I am not going to chime in on the actual controversy. I have my opinions on it all, but that's not what this is all about. Reading the comments on her post and on the other blog left me feeling so sad and raw. (I know I keep saying raw, but it really fits) I was saddened to see that people were attacking each other and also that people didn't feel that they were being supported- regardless of where they were in their journey. There was a serious divide between those who had "crossed over" and those who were still in the trenches.
Let's be honest. I've seen lots of people cross over in the past twelve years. I've tasted the other side and posted about BFP and u/s myself. I've had moments where I just wanted to scream when reading about someone else's BFP or adoption. But those moments have been completely overshadowed by the love and shear joy I've felt for so many of you. And so many of you have shared in my joy and heartbreak. You've shared my happiness and surrounded me in virtual hugs in my darkest moments.
I started blogging before it was even called blogging. I kept an AOL journal- it was what all the cool kids were doing. It started as a way for me document our journey. Often this blog is a place where I can dump my thoughts and feelings about something. Once I've written the post, I can move forward and process my feelings about the topic at hand. In those early days it really was a one way conversation. It wasn't about community and support then.
At some point, I started getting comments and started reading other blogs. We started sharing our experiences. We met on message boards and started following each other's blogs. I was able to read and learn about other treatment options. I became invested in so many of your stories, and I like to think that many of you are invested in my story. I was also able to ask questions here on my blog and get so many responses from around the blogosphere. At times when I felt alone and needed answers, I turned to this space and you all answered my call for help time and time again.
Chris' perception of the blog has also changed over time. He used to resent that I kept this space. He hated that I made our struggle so "public" (Even though I was anonymous at the start) Now I know that he has gone back and looked at our history to compare things. I don't think he regularly reads the blog, but I do know that he has an occasion to check it out. He's even told me to post questions here to get the wise advice from all of you.
So I started to really think about the issue at hand with the ALI community- trenches vs. crossed over. But here's the thing- I don't feel that divide here. I've felt the support from those of you who are parenting. I hope you feel that I have continued to support you as well. While I don't have much to add about discussions on cloth diapering or baby food, I can still say "hang in there" or "thinking of you" And reading your blogs gives me hope. I know where many of you have come from. I hope with all my heart that I will someday have something to add to the conversation.
Each step of my journey (and danm, it's been long and winding) I've felt the pull to support those who are just starting on the path and share the knowledge I've gained from experience. And I've also felt the pull to read and share in those who are further on this path than I am. At times that was reading about what it meant to do IVF, and then doing IVF across the country, and now parenting and adoption.
It's never been about the numbers. While I love and cherish each and every comment- especially on posts like the one yesterday, I don't blog to get readers or to have people comment. I blog for myself to share my journey. I blog to be part of a community- one of mutual support. So after taking some time to process and then reading the love you all left yesterday, I am not feeling so raw. I am feeling wrapped in support. And I am going to make an effort to share that support with others.
If you have a few extra moments, please take a moment to check out Mel's LFCA. There are weekly posts that list bloggers needing some extra support. I was the lucky recipient of support after our first miscarriage and can't explain how much the extra support meant to me. Ever since I have tried to pay it forward to others who are also in need of support.
Today marks one month since our D&C. We still have no results from the testing. I don't want to go into all of that on this post, but I felt the need to at least "mark" this date here. Planning to make a phone call to the OB tomorrow. Also hoping to have them test my Vitamin D levels to see if that is an issue. Just got an email from my nurse in Colorado who told me that they are testing everyone for Vitamin D deficiency now. Interesting?
Yesterday's post was stirred in part after reading a post written by Mel. There is a hot controversy in the ALI blogging community right now, and the whole thing left me feeling a little more raw than I expected. I am not going to chime in on the actual controversy. I have my opinions on it all, but that's not what this is all about. Reading the comments on her post and on the other blog left me feeling so sad and raw. (I know I keep saying raw, but it really fits) I was saddened to see that people were attacking each other and also that people didn't feel that they were being supported- regardless of where they were in their journey. There was a serious divide between those who had "crossed over" and those who were still in the trenches.
Let's be honest. I've seen lots of people cross over in the past twelve years. I've tasted the other side and posted about BFP and u/s myself. I've had moments where I just wanted to scream when reading about someone else's BFP or adoption. But those moments have been completely overshadowed by the love and shear joy I've felt for so many of you. And so many of you have shared in my joy and heartbreak. You've shared my happiness and surrounded me in virtual hugs in my darkest moments.
I started blogging before it was even called blogging. I kept an AOL journal- it was what all the cool kids were doing. It started as a way for me document our journey. Often this blog is a place where I can dump my thoughts and feelings about something. Once I've written the post, I can move forward and process my feelings about the topic at hand. In those early days it really was a one way conversation. It wasn't about community and support then.
At some point, I started getting comments and started reading other blogs. We started sharing our experiences. We met on message boards and started following each other's blogs. I was able to read and learn about other treatment options. I became invested in so many of your stories, and I like to think that many of you are invested in my story. I was also able to ask questions here on my blog and get so many responses from around the blogosphere. At times when I felt alone and needed answers, I turned to this space and you all answered my call for help time and time again.
Chris' perception of the blog has also changed over time. He used to resent that I kept this space. He hated that I made our struggle so "public" (Even though I was anonymous at the start) Now I know that he has gone back and looked at our history to compare things. I don't think he regularly reads the blog, but I do know that he has an occasion to check it out. He's even told me to post questions here to get the wise advice from all of you.
So I started to really think about the issue at hand with the ALI community- trenches vs. crossed over. But here's the thing- I don't feel that divide here. I've felt the support from those of you who are parenting. I hope you feel that I have continued to support you as well. While I don't have much to add about discussions on cloth diapering or baby food, I can still say "hang in there" or "thinking of you" And reading your blogs gives me hope. I know where many of you have come from. I hope with all my heart that I will someday have something to add to the conversation.
Each step of my journey (and danm, it's been long and winding) I've felt the pull to support those who are just starting on the path and share the knowledge I've gained from experience. And I've also felt the pull to read and share in those who are further on this path than I am. At times that was reading about what it meant to do IVF, and then doing IVF across the country, and now parenting and adoption.
It's never been about the numbers. While I love and cherish each and every comment- especially on posts like the one yesterday, I don't blog to get readers or to have people comment. I blog for myself to share my journey. I blog to be part of a community- one of mutual support. So after taking some time to process and then reading the love you all left yesterday, I am not feeling so raw. I am feeling wrapped in support. And I am going to make an effort to share that support with others.
If you have a few extra moments, please take a moment to check out Mel's LFCA. There are weekly posts that list bloggers needing some extra support. I was the lucky recipient of support after our first miscarriage and can't explain how much the extra support meant to me. Ever since I have tried to pay it forward to others who are also in need of support.
~~~~~~~
Today marks one month since our D&C. We still have no results from the testing. I don't want to go into all of that on this post, but I felt the need to at least "mark" this date here. Planning to make a phone call to the OB tomorrow. Also hoping to have them test my Vitamin D levels to see if that is an issue. Just got an email from my nurse in Colorado who told me that they are testing everyone for Vitamin D deficiency now. Interesting?
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Lifting fog
I am starting to feel the fog lift. I am starting to feel more human. I feel more like myself than I have in two months. There are still moments where I feel so very raw, but thankfully those moments are starting to become fewer and farther between.
I have lots of thoughts right now and blog post ideas in my head. There's a few hot button issues I'd like to write about. But I don't think I have the strength to handle the unknown of comments if I posted about some of them.
One of my biggest thoughts lately is about the length of time we've been in the trenches. We're close to 12 years of TTC. TWELVE YEARS... that's 3/4 of my married life. While we had periods when we weren't actively in battle, we've been in the fight for the entire time. Sure, we had breaks from treatment. In all those years, I was ALWAYS trying to become a mom.
We've been through so much. And I don't want to enter the "pain olympics" but need to point out that we've had so much heartbreak and loss. We're veterans of IF treatment. We've failed at IVF multiple times. We've had ectopic pregnancies and chemical pregnancies. And then there's the THREE miscarriages in the last 15 months. Seeing the heartbeat only to lose it two weeks later.
As a veteran IF gal, the last thing I want is pity. But that doesn't mean I can't have my own little pity party for a moment. I want to scream from the top of the mountains "WHY ME????" and "PLEASE LET IT BE MY TURN!" I've done my time. I didn't sign up for twelve years of active duty. When can I finally retire from all of this? When will we finally have the title of mom and dad? Will I have to wave the white flag before we win the ultimate prize?
We're still waiting for the results from our D&C testing. We haven't heard anything on the adoption front in weeks. I am just so damn tired of waiting and then being let down. I am tired of being left behind time and time again. I am tired of wondering if I will ever be able to be a full grown-up. (I've always felt that I won't really be a grown up until I earn the title of mom) I am tired of saving my pennies to afford adoption after we used all of our life savings on one final IVF. (That I don't regret...but that's another post) I am tired of watching my husband play with other people's children and feeling the ache in my heart knowing that I can't give him that. I am tired of feeling jealous of other people and their pregnancies- even those that are hard fought for. I am tired of wondering if there is a reason I haven't become a mom- that I won't be a good parent and this is nature's way of telling me that.
Thankfully these thoughts don't consume me all the time. It's just the very raw moments.
Please, pretty please universe... We've put in the time. Please let all this thick fog be worth it.
I have lots of thoughts right now and blog post ideas in my head. There's a few hot button issues I'd like to write about. But I don't think I have the strength to handle the unknown of comments if I posted about some of them.
One of my biggest thoughts lately is about the length of time we've been in the trenches. We're close to 12 years of TTC. TWELVE YEARS... that's 3/4 of my married life. While we had periods when we weren't actively in battle, we've been in the fight for the entire time. Sure, we had breaks from treatment. In all those years, I was ALWAYS trying to become a mom.
We've been through so much. And I don't want to enter the "pain olympics" but need to point out that we've had so much heartbreak and loss. We're veterans of IF treatment. We've failed at IVF multiple times. We've had ectopic pregnancies and chemical pregnancies. And then there's the THREE miscarriages in the last 15 months. Seeing the heartbeat only to lose it two weeks later.
As a veteran IF gal, the last thing I want is pity. But that doesn't mean I can't have my own little pity party for a moment. I want to scream from the top of the mountains "WHY ME????" and "PLEASE LET IT BE MY TURN!" I've done my time. I didn't sign up for twelve years of active duty. When can I finally retire from all of this? When will we finally have the title of mom and dad? Will I have to wave the white flag before we win the ultimate prize?
We're still waiting for the results from our D&C testing. We haven't heard anything on the adoption front in weeks. I am just so damn tired of waiting and then being let down. I am tired of being left behind time and time again. I am tired of wondering if I will ever be able to be a full grown-up. (I've always felt that I won't really be a grown up until I earn the title of mom) I am tired of saving my pennies to afford adoption after we used all of our life savings on one final IVF. (That I don't regret...but that's another post) I am tired of watching my husband play with other people's children and feeling the ache in my heart knowing that I can't give him that. I am tired of feeling jealous of other people and their pregnancies- even those that are hard fought for. I am tired of wondering if there is a reason I haven't become a mom- that I won't be a good parent and this is nature's way of telling me that.
Thankfully these thoughts don't consume me all the time. It's just the very raw moments.
Please, pretty please universe... We've put in the time. Please let all this thick fog be worth it.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Slowly resume "normal"
I had my post-op appointment today. The OB was more than 30 minutes late. There's just nothing like sitting in a paper drape for 30 minutes waiting. But I've always felt like he takes time with me- so I know that's why he is always running late. The actual exam was very fast... it was as if he just "peeked" inside and said everything was healing. Not sure how you can see that in a quick glance, but I am going to take his word.
I did ask him about the possibility of being anemic and he said he would run labs. We almost forgot when we left but had them draw it for us. We also talked about the folgard and he told me to just stay on a prenatal with folic acid and extra iron. As far as next steps... he doesn't think he can help us and directed us to talk with an RE or someone who specializes in RPL. I appreciate his honesty. He did say that he feels he will see us again. We gave him our adoption profile and asked him to add it to their file. He was more than willing to do so.
He told us that we are supposed to slowly resume normal activity. Of course that's easier said than done. It does mean that we can finally return to normal marriage activity... something that hasn't happened since I peed on the HPT in December. Of course he told us that we have to us protection. Let me remind you that Chris and I have been together since high school. We haven't had to use much in the way of protection over the years. I was more than overwhelmed in the aisle in Tar.get tonight! Oh well, one more thing that will be funny someday. The OB also told me I can slowly start working out again. I haven't laced up my running shoes since before Thanksgiving. Hoping to feel some motivation to do that again soon.
So, the bottom line... how do I really go back to "normal" How do you move on from a third miscarriage in a little over a year? How do you ever go back to normal? Chris and I had a heart to heart this afternoon about it all. I have learned that he doesn't grieve the same way that I do. We've grown from all of this heartache. He is ready to move forward. He has already grieved and is ready to look forward. It's not so easy for me. I find myself holding my breath at times at how much my heart is breaking. But there's a tiny part of me that is starting to break free and feel hopeful. I am feeling such a sense of urgency that I haven't felt before. I've always wanted motherhood more than anything but now it is an ache that is constantly there. It is always in my thoughts. I am trying to focus that energy on adoption marketing and trying to believe that our match is out there. We just have to find it.
In other news, Chris was in a car accident on Thursday. He is absolutely ok, but his car is not. Of course his car is the one we haven't paid off yet. There was a big chance it was going to be considered totaled, but the body shop called this afternoon to let us know that they will be able to fix it. This is a HUGE relief. We just can't afford a car purchase right now in the midst of our adoption. It was a tense few days here, as the accident was Chris' fault and I had a really hard time not being mad at him. I've come to terms with it and we're in a good place. It was just hard to swallow one more negative event in the midst of all we've been through.
As a highlight, Chris' HS swim team had a GREAT sectional meet. He has three relays and seven individual events heading to the State meet this weekend. I am so excited for him and his boys. He is poised to finish in the top 5 of the state, which would be a huge feat for his team. So excited that I'll be able to be at the meet on Friday and witness it all myself. It's sometimes hard to sit in the stands with the parents but I love being there to see the look in Chris' face after a great swim. One of the families has become very close to us and has actually helped us financially with our adoption. I am looking forward to having the time with those parents as we wait for the meet.
So we're trying to figure out what normal is for us. For now, it's swimming and school and working hard on adoption marketing. And hoping that the tears and heartache are a minimum.
I did ask him about the possibility of being anemic and he said he would run labs. We almost forgot when we left but had them draw it for us. We also talked about the folgard and he told me to just stay on a prenatal with folic acid and extra iron. As far as next steps... he doesn't think he can help us and directed us to talk with an RE or someone who specializes in RPL. I appreciate his honesty. He did say that he feels he will see us again. We gave him our adoption profile and asked him to add it to their file. He was more than willing to do so.
He told us that we are supposed to slowly resume normal activity. Of course that's easier said than done. It does mean that we can finally return to normal marriage activity... something that hasn't happened since I peed on the HPT in December. Of course he told us that we have to us protection. Let me remind you that Chris and I have been together since high school. We haven't had to use much in the way of protection over the years. I was more than overwhelmed in the aisle in Tar.get tonight! Oh well, one more thing that will be funny someday. The OB also told me I can slowly start working out again. I haven't laced up my running shoes since before Thanksgiving. Hoping to feel some motivation to do that again soon.
So, the bottom line... how do I really go back to "normal" How do you move on from a third miscarriage in a little over a year? How do you ever go back to normal? Chris and I had a heart to heart this afternoon about it all. I have learned that he doesn't grieve the same way that I do. We've grown from all of this heartache. He is ready to move forward. He has already grieved and is ready to look forward. It's not so easy for me. I find myself holding my breath at times at how much my heart is breaking. But there's a tiny part of me that is starting to break free and feel hopeful. I am feeling such a sense of urgency that I haven't felt before. I've always wanted motherhood more than anything but now it is an ache that is constantly there. It is always in my thoughts. I am trying to focus that energy on adoption marketing and trying to believe that our match is out there. We just have to find it.
In other news, Chris was in a car accident on Thursday. He is absolutely ok, but his car is not. Of course his car is the one we haven't paid off yet. There was a big chance it was going to be considered totaled, but the body shop called this afternoon to let us know that they will be able to fix it. This is a HUGE relief. We just can't afford a car purchase right now in the midst of our adoption. It was a tense few days here, as the accident was Chris' fault and I had a really hard time not being mad at him. I've come to terms with it and we're in a good place. It was just hard to swallow one more negative event in the midst of all we've been through.
As a highlight, Chris' HS swim team had a GREAT sectional meet. He has three relays and seven individual events heading to the State meet this weekend. I am so excited for him and his boys. He is poised to finish in the top 5 of the state, which would be a huge feat for his team. So excited that I'll be able to be at the meet on Friday and witness it all myself. It's sometimes hard to sit in the stands with the parents but I love being there to see the look in Chris' face after a great swim. One of the families has become very close to us and has actually helped us financially with our adoption. I am looking forward to having the time with those parents as we wait for the meet.
So we're trying to figure out what normal is for us. For now, it's swimming and school and working hard on adoption marketing. And hoping that the tears and heartache are a minimum.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Tired of being STRONG
I'm going to warn all of you right now... this is a rambling post of a woman who is not in a great place. Feel free to click away right now. I need to "dump" my thoughts here so that I can start to heal and move on. That has always been one of the chief reasons I've kept this blog.
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Today was my first day back in the "real world" after the D&C last week. It's the first day back to normal- back to life before the latest pregnancy. First day back at work not pregnant. I survived but I'm tired. Literally tired... and tired of being strong.
It took every single ounce of strength I had this morning. I'll admit that I didn't have the best attitude when I walked out the door. It's so frustrating to spend each and every day with other people's children. Since I am a special education teacher, I work with many families who are less than ideal. Parents who have little to no parenting skills and some have even told me that they simply have no desire to be parents. It rips at my heart when I hear things like this. After the most recent heartbreak, I am at the point that I would give just about anything to be a parent. (Ok, I've been at that point for a long time)
As a treat to get through the day, I told myself that I could stop at Starb.ucks and get whatever coffee I wanted. Before this pregnancy, I was a regular at the location close to school. They know what I drink and such. But I haven't been in but once since the start of the year. I was really looking forward to it my entire drive into school. Just as a pull into a spot, a very pregnant woman and her husband walk in to the store. No big deal, I am a big girl and the world is full of pregnant women. It was just the three of us in the store. They are also apparently regulars too. Again, no big deal, get me my coffee and we'll all be good.
Only it appears that the couple was on their way to be induced.... and you can imagine what the conversation went to when this came up in conversation. Both the baristas chimed in with their birth stories. That's just what happens. I literally stood there wanting the floor the open up and swallow me right there. I waited for my coffee and thankfully other people came in. But the conversation continued. It was the first time that I literally had to hold back tears. When the barista asked me where I'd been, I was able to squeak out that I had been sick. What else was I going to say? I got my coffee and then proceeded to burst into tears in my car.
Seriously, I don't know what I did to piss off the universe. I am so tired of being strong. My heart is breaking right now. I think it's really starting to sink in that we lost another pregnancy. And this time it was different... seeing the heartbeat makes this more real. I am not even sure how I will deal with the testing results when we get them. And then we have the adoption fall through. While it was only a short time that it was real, we still can't get any answers from the SW in Florida. I just don't understand why we can't even get a phone call returned. I just want to know that the baby has been placed in a loving home.
To make things even more fun, I am still having random bursts of cramping and bleeding. It slows down to almost nothing, and then WHAM I have a gush and cramping. I realize it hasn't even been a week since the D&C, but enough already. I don't need this crap anymore. With my luck, this will go on for weeks.
Just to add some more fun to this week- our SW is coming on Wednesday for a "maintenance" check of our house. Chris will be home when she comes. I am not going to freak out about making sure everything is spotless. I just don't have the energy. We're also coming up on the point that we need to start renewing all of our clearances and such. We'll have to renew our homestudy too. Let's hope we don't have to do that more than once.
While I have obviously been driven in our quest to be parents, I am feeling an extreme sense of urgency now. It is consuming almost all of my thoughts. Everything else- like working- just seems to be less important right now. Yet, there is nothing I can do to move things along. I don't have control over anything at this point. I just have to go through the days marking the passage of time.
I know that it will get better. It hasn't even been a week since the D&C. I know that I need to heal- physically and emotionally. I just worry that there will come a time when the scars become so deep that I am no longer the person I want to be. I am worried that I will become so scarred from all of this that I will not be able to be a good wife, friend... and parent.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today was my first day back in the "real world" after the D&C last week. It's the first day back to normal- back to life before the latest pregnancy. First day back at work not pregnant. I survived but I'm tired. Literally tired... and tired of being strong.
It took every single ounce of strength I had this morning. I'll admit that I didn't have the best attitude when I walked out the door. It's so frustrating to spend each and every day with other people's children. Since I am a special education teacher, I work with many families who are less than ideal. Parents who have little to no parenting skills and some have even told me that they simply have no desire to be parents. It rips at my heart when I hear things like this. After the most recent heartbreak, I am at the point that I would give just about anything to be a parent. (Ok, I've been at that point for a long time)
As a treat to get through the day, I told myself that I could stop at Starb.ucks and get whatever coffee I wanted. Before this pregnancy, I was a regular at the location close to school. They know what I drink and such. But I haven't been in but once since the start of the year. I was really looking forward to it my entire drive into school. Just as a pull into a spot, a very pregnant woman and her husband walk in to the store. No big deal, I am a big girl and the world is full of pregnant women. It was just the three of us in the store. They are also apparently regulars too. Again, no big deal, get me my coffee and we'll all be good.
Only it appears that the couple was on their way to be induced.... and you can imagine what the conversation went to when this came up in conversation. Both the baristas chimed in with their birth stories. That's just what happens. I literally stood there wanting the floor the open up and swallow me right there. I waited for my coffee and thankfully other people came in. But the conversation continued. It was the first time that I literally had to hold back tears. When the barista asked me where I'd been, I was able to squeak out that I had been sick. What else was I going to say? I got my coffee and then proceeded to burst into tears in my car.
Seriously, I don't know what I did to piss off the universe. I am so tired of being strong. My heart is breaking right now. I think it's really starting to sink in that we lost another pregnancy. And this time it was different... seeing the heartbeat makes this more real. I am not even sure how I will deal with the testing results when we get them. And then we have the adoption fall through. While it was only a short time that it was real, we still can't get any answers from the SW in Florida. I just don't understand why we can't even get a phone call returned. I just want to know that the baby has been placed in a loving home.
To make things even more fun, I am still having random bursts of cramping and bleeding. It slows down to almost nothing, and then WHAM I have a gush and cramping. I realize it hasn't even been a week since the D&C, but enough already. I don't need this crap anymore. With my luck, this will go on for weeks.
Just to add some more fun to this week- our SW is coming on Wednesday for a "maintenance" check of our house. Chris will be home when she comes. I am not going to freak out about making sure everything is spotless. I just don't have the energy. We're also coming up on the point that we need to start renewing all of our clearances and such. We'll have to renew our homestudy too. Let's hope we don't have to do that more than once.
While I have obviously been driven in our quest to be parents, I am feeling an extreme sense of urgency now. It is consuming almost all of my thoughts. Everything else- like working- just seems to be less important right now. Yet, there is nothing I can do to move things along. I don't have control over anything at this point. I just have to go through the days marking the passage of time.
I know that it will get better. It hasn't even been a week since the D&C. I know that I need to heal- physically and emotionally. I just worry that there will come a time when the scars become so deep that I am no longer the person I want to be. I am worried that I will become so scarred from all of this that I will not be able to be a good wife, friend... and parent.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Lost
We've been on this path to parenthood for almost twelve years. I really thought we were finally on the "right" path and was feeling confident about the choices we've made. However, the events of the past month have left me feeling lost. I have no idea where to go from here. The ultimate destination has never changed- I just have no flipping clue how the heck we are going to get there. And to be really brutally honest, I just don't know how to find the stamina to keep fighting.
We are fully committed to our adoption plan. I feel in my heart that we are meant to be parents through adoption. It's just hard to understand why each time we seem to be making strides towards our adoption, I get pregnant. It's no secret that I have little faith left in terms of a "greater plan" for our lives but this just makes me question that even more. Why in the world did I manage to get pregnant twice in just over 6 months? Why did we get farther than we've even been with this pregnancy? Why does it seem that we get just a little closer each and every time? Why were we given the hope of a heartbeat only to lose it a short time later?
And then let's add in the adoption situation that went from a sure thing to not even getting calls back. We were so close- albeit for just a short time- but I actually was planning the details of how we were going to get across the country and meet the needs of this little girl. It was so real and made me realize how ready we really are to become parents... even at a moment's notice. My heart still aches for that little angel and I hope and pray that she is being loved and cared for at this very moment. I'll probably never know how her story ends up and I'll always hold a place in my heart for her.
So where do we go from here? I'm questioning every single decision we've made in the past year. I'm afraid to make the wrong choices going forward. I want to take all the paths at once- I want to move forward and split myself in every single direction just so that in the end I know that we'll finally get our miracle- that we'll finally have the moment with the baby that was meant to be in our arms.
Considering talking with some RPL specialists and maybe even looking into a consult with Dr. Kwak Kim- since she is local to me. We've both agreed that we do want to talk to Dr. Sch. to get his thoughts on the recent loss. Hoping we'll get some answers from the genetic testing that will also shed some light on this loss. But the bottom line- I don't know that I want to consider treatment again. We can't afford IVF- so it would mean looking into other treatments that would still be covered by insurance. The thought of monitoring appointments makes me start breaking out in hives. But we got so close... what if the next time is THE time I can finally keep a pregnancy. And then I consider the fact that I am sitting here healing from a D&C and wonder just how much more my body and soul can take.
We need to get more aggressive with our adoption plans. We made the best decisions we could with the resources we had. I wish we could sign with a more aggressive agency but that just isn't in the cards for us. I need to look at other marketing opportunities and find other creative ways to get our information out there. I'm frustrated that we can't use the largest online parent profile site because we live in Illinois. I'm looking into some of the other sites and trying to see if its worth it for us to place ads there. Our current marketing person really believes in newspaper ads- and I just don't necessarily agree with that plan. It's crazy expensive, and I just don't see that as being where an expectant parent would look for a potential adoptive family. I am trying to believe that the right match is out there for us- we just have to wait.
We've been patient. We've endured so much over the past twelve years. We've had so much heartache in the past two years. We're not getting any younger. I'll be 37 next month and Chris will be 39 in May. We're ready. We're so very ready. We just need to find the way.
I'd love to hear your thoughts... if you were in our shoes, what would you do? Can you help us get some light on our path?
We are fully committed to our adoption plan. I feel in my heart that we are meant to be parents through adoption. It's just hard to understand why each time we seem to be making strides towards our adoption, I get pregnant. It's no secret that I have little faith left in terms of a "greater plan" for our lives but this just makes me question that even more. Why in the world did I manage to get pregnant twice in just over 6 months? Why did we get farther than we've even been with this pregnancy? Why does it seem that we get just a little closer each and every time? Why were we given the hope of a heartbeat only to lose it a short time later?
And then let's add in the adoption situation that went from a sure thing to not even getting calls back. We were so close- albeit for just a short time- but I actually was planning the details of how we were going to get across the country and meet the needs of this little girl. It was so real and made me realize how ready we really are to become parents... even at a moment's notice. My heart still aches for that little angel and I hope and pray that she is being loved and cared for at this very moment. I'll probably never know how her story ends up and I'll always hold a place in my heart for her.
So where do we go from here? I'm questioning every single decision we've made in the past year. I'm afraid to make the wrong choices going forward. I want to take all the paths at once- I want to move forward and split myself in every single direction just so that in the end I know that we'll finally get our miracle- that we'll finally have the moment with the baby that was meant to be in our arms.
Considering talking with some RPL specialists and maybe even looking into a consult with Dr. Kwak Kim- since she is local to me. We've both agreed that we do want to talk to Dr. Sch. to get his thoughts on the recent loss. Hoping we'll get some answers from the genetic testing that will also shed some light on this loss. But the bottom line- I don't know that I want to consider treatment again. We can't afford IVF- so it would mean looking into other treatments that would still be covered by insurance. The thought of monitoring appointments makes me start breaking out in hives. But we got so close... what if the next time is THE time I can finally keep a pregnancy. And then I consider the fact that I am sitting here healing from a D&C and wonder just how much more my body and soul can take.
We need to get more aggressive with our adoption plans. We made the best decisions we could with the resources we had. I wish we could sign with a more aggressive agency but that just isn't in the cards for us. I need to look at other marketing opportunities and find other creative ways to get our information out there. I'm frustrated that we can't use the largest online parent profile site because we live in Illinois. I'm looking into some of the other sites and trying to see if its worth it for us to place ads there. Our current marketing person really believes in newspaper ads- and I just don't necessarily agree with that plan. It's crazy expensive, and I just don't see that as being where an expectant parent would look for a potential adoptive family. I am trying to believe that the right match is out there for us- we just have to wait.
We've been patient. We've endured so much over the past twelve years. We've had so much heartache in the past two years. We're not getting any younger. I'll be 37 next month and Chris will be 39 in May. We're ready. We're so very ready. We just need to find the way.
I'd love to hear your thoughts... if you were in our shoes, what would you do? Can you help us get some light on our path?
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Home
I'm home and feeling ok. I did get some good drugs in recovery after I had some pretty intense cramping. There were some minor issues with pre/post op but the procedure itself went fine. The OB felt that there was enough tissue for testing. Hoping to have some answers, but given our history, I'm not holding my breath.
Really hoping that I'll finally be able to get some sleep. But so far I can't seem to actually fall asleep.
The OB gave me an Rx for antibiotics and pain meds as well as another drug to doped healing. The nurses also warned me that my hormones will plummet now and I should be prepared to be weepy for a few days.
Thank you again for the outpouring of love and support. I am so very grateful for this community.
Really hoping that I'll finally be able to get some sleep. But so far I can't seem to actually fall asleep.
The OB gave me an Rx for antibiotics and pain meds as well as another drug to doped healing. The nurses also warned me that my hormones will plummet now and I should be prepared to be weepy for a few days.
Thank you again for the outpouring of love and support. I am so very grateful for this community.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Confirmation and Gratitude
Thank you for everyone who took the time to post a comment about what to expect. I was able to read them through the day and it made a tough day much easier with each comment. We are having the D&C done at the hospital in the same day surgery unit. We have asked for chromosome testing and will reiterate that tomorrow. That was one of my reasons for doing the D&C as well as the fact that the last miscarriage took forever to resolve. As far as pain management, I have some "good stuff" that Dr Sch prescribed when I went through my last m/c naturally so I will have that on hand if needed.
When I talked to the nurse from the surgery center, I asked about getting an u/s right before the D&C just for my peace of mind. She said she would call my OB and see what she could do. The OB's nurse called me back and told me that it would be really hard to do right before the procedure since it is so early tomorrow, but that I could come into the office this afternoon. They could get me in mid afternoon. That meant I had to hustle to get my sub plans done but it all worked out in the end.
The tech was very kind and explained everything on the screen to me. I needed the confirmation now that I have had the time to let it all sink in. I was able to get the peace of mind I needed from the u/s today to go forward with the D&C. It is very clear that the pregnancy is no longer viable.
I am nervous about the actual procedure, but feel better after reading all of your comments. I am trying to get everything in order so that I can relax at home the rest of the week. I needed to go to my happy place after the u/s so of course I made a stop at Tar.get. I bought myself a nice fluffy blanket to snuggle up on the couch for the next few days. It's in the washing machine right now so that it will be nice and clean and smell like snuggle. Also making some comfort food for dinner- I have a meatloaf in the oven right now. That along with some good ol' Kr.aft Mac N Cheese should provide some nourishment for my body and soul.
My students were absolutely obnoxious today- making it much easier to swallow being away for another week. I am a little concerned about behavior but I have several colleagues checking in on them.
Please think good thoughts for me tomorrow at 8:30 CST. I'll try to post tomorrow afternoon depending on how I am feeling. Thank you again for all of the outpouring of love and support. It means the world to me.
When I talked to the nurse from the surgery center, I asked about getting an u/s right before the D&C just for my peace of mind. She said she would call my OB and see what she could do. The OB's nurse called me back and told me that it would be really hard to do right before the procedure since it is so early tomorrow, but that I could come into the office this afternoon. They could get me in mid afternoon. That meant I had to hustle to get my sub plans done but it all worked out in the end.
The tech was very kind and explained everything on the screen to me. I needed the confirmation now that I have had the time to let it all sink in. I was able to get the peace of mind I needed from the u/s today to go forward with the D&C. It is very clear that the pregnancy is no longer viable.
I am nervous about the actual procedure, but feel better after reading all of your comments. I am trying to get everything in order so that I can relax at home the rest of the week. I needed to go to my happy place after the u/s so of course I made a stop at Tar.get. I bought myself a nice fluffy blanket to snuggle up on the couch for the next few days. It's in the washing machine right now so that it will be nice and clean and smell like snuggle. Also making some comfort food for dinner- I have a meatloaf in the oven right now. That along with some good ol' Kr.aft Mac N Cheese should provide some nourishment for my body and soul.
My students were absolutely obnoxious today- making it much easier to swallow being away for another week. I am a little concerned about behavior but I have several colleagues checking in on them.
Please think good thoughts for me tomorrow at 8:30 CST. I'll try to post tomorrow afternoon depending on how I am feeling. Thank you again for all of the outpouring of love and support. It means the world to me.
What to expect?
Quick post from my phone. Can some of you who've had a d&c tell me what to expect? I've talked to surgical nurse and I'll thankfully be in day surgery not l&d for the procedure. What can I expect pain wise? How does it compare to a retrieval? (other than the obvious happy vs sad part)
Thanks! Starting to freak out a little.
Thanks! Starting to freak out a little.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
heartbroken
Sadly, yesterday's ultrasound showed that the heartbeat has stopped. The gestational sac is measuring right on track now, and the bleed is smaller, but our little bean lost the fight. I am scheduled for a D& C on Tuesday morning. I don't want to repeat the beta hell of the summer and I just can't deal with waiting for a natural m/c at this point. The irony of it all is that I am barely spotting at all anymore.
We are heartbroken to say the least. All of this just doesn't make sense. We spent ten years not being able to get pregnant, even with medical intervention. And now I can get pregnant- three times in 15 months, all ending in miscarriage. Each time we get a little farther than the last time- which is a special kind of torture.
I don't know how much two people can take. We had so many people praying and hoping for us once again. There were candles, rosaries, prayer warriors, you name it. And yet here we are again.
We're strong and we'll get through this like we always do. I'm just tired of having to be strong. Just once I'd like to catch a break. On the adoption front, the social worker in FL won't return calls to our attorney. So- looks like that is also a lost cause.
How did we go from hoping for two little miracles to none in less than a week? And please don't tell me that the right match is out there and that this is all God's plan. I just can't take that right now. For those of you who've "crossed over" please give your little ones an extra tight hug today and remember what a true gift each and every one of them are.
We are heartbroken to say the least. All of this just doesn't make sense. We spent ten years not being able to get pregnant, even with medical intervention. And now I can get pregnant- three times in 15 months, all ending in miscarriage. Each time we get a little farther than the last time- which is a special kind of torture.
I don't know how much two people can take. We had so many people praying and hoping for us once again. There were candles, rosaries, prayer warriors, you name it. And yet here we are again.
We're strong and we'll get through this like we always do. I'm just tired of having to be strong. Just once I'd like to catch a break. On the adoption front, the social worker in FL won't return calls to our attorney. So- looks like that is also a lost cause.
How did we go from hoping for two little miracles to none in less than a week? And please don't tell me that the right match is out there and that this is all God's plan. I just can't take that right now. For those of you who've "crossed over" please give your little ones an extra tight hug today and remember what a true gift each and every one of them are.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Another week on the roller coaster
Today's u/s was probably the longest one I've ever had. To the point that my legs started to have muscle spasms. The tech was trying to be very thorough. I like this tech the best and he is always kind and likes to joke to break the tension.
The news wasn't the update we were hoping for. The SCH has grown and is approximately 6 cm long. The gestational sac is still abnormally shaped and is only measuring 6w3d. We were at 6w1d last Monday, so not the growth we were hoping for. The heartbeat was only 92- so well below what we would hope for this point.
We met with another one of the partners at the OB office. I really liked him. He was kind and took the time to sit and answer all of our questions. He apologized that he didn't have more clear answers for us. He told us its really a wait and see and the good news is that there is a heartbeat and that we saw growth. The challenges are the abnormal shape of the sac, the size of the SCH, and the slow growth/heartbeat.
After talking with him, we decided that I will go back to work tomorrow. I haven't had a red bleed for more than a week and staying on bed rest didn't get us a smaller SCH. I'm going to take it easy and try to stay off my feet as much as possible. If I start having red bleeding, I'll come back home and we'll go from there. I am planning to spend the rest of the afternoon trying to pack and prepare for going back to work. Trying to pack enough snacks and a change of clothes...just in case.
We talked with him about the possibility of having to go to Florida. He said he wasn't concerned about the flight itself, but being away from medical care. He said he wouldn't say not to go and suggested that I call if we get THE call and get an u/s before I go.
Chris and I have decided we're going to fight and not give up just yet. We still have a heartbeat and what appears to be a fighter little bean. That's all we can do at this point. It's going to hurt like hell to lost this fight, but we have to give it all we've got.
We go back for a repeat u/s on Friday when our OB is in the office. We should hear something about the adoption by then too. It's going to be a really long week.
The news wasn't the update we were hoping for. The SCH has grown and is approximately 6 cm long. The gestational sac is still abnormally shaped and is only measuring 6w3d. We were at 6w1d last Monday, so not the growth we were hoping for. The heartbeat was only 92- so well below what we would hope for this point.
We met with another one of the partners at the OB office. I really liked him. He was kind and took the time to sit and answer all of our questions. He apologized that he didn't have more clear answers for us. He told us its really a wait and see and the good news is that there is a heartbeat and that we saw growth. The challenges are the abnormal shape of the sac, the size of the SCH, and the slow growth/heartbeat.
After talking with him, we decided that I will go back to work tomorrow. I haven't had a red bleed for more than a week and staying on bed rest didn't get us a smaller SCH. I'm going to take it easy and try to stay off my feet as much as possible. If I start having red bleeding, I'll come back home and we'll go from there. I am planning to spend the rest of the afternoon trying to pack and prepare for going back to work. Trying to pack enough snacks and a change of clothes...just in case.
We talked with him about the possibility of having to go to Florida. He said he wasn't concerned about the flight itself, but being away from medical care. He said he wouldn't say not to go and suggested that I call if we get THE call and get an u/s before I go.
Chris and I have decided we're going to fight and not give up just yet. We still have a heartbeat and what appears to be a fighter little bean. That's all we can do at this point. It's going to hurt like hell to lost this fight, but we have to give it all we've got.
We go back for a repeat u/s on Friday when our OB is in the office. We should hear something about the adoption by then too. It's going to be a really long week.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Bed Rest is HARD
Who knew just how hard it would be to spend a week in bed?
The good news is that I haven't had any red bleeding since Sunday. I've only had brown spotting and its now only on the TP. Can I really hope that the bleed is already reabsorbing? I am worried that if it is in fact large shouldn't there be another bleed of some sort to get rid of it? Not that I am asking for a bleed. Dear God, that is the LAST THING I want.
I read some really scary things about SCH online- but I also read many more positive stories. As each day goes by, I am getting more and more hopeful. But that scares the crap out of me. I know that each and every day I am getting more and more attached to this pregnancy.
My symptoms are increasing. I really have to eat just about every 2 hours or I start to feel sick. Being stationary and on the extra progesterone has caused my digestive system to come to a screeching halt. (Which is not fun at all, and can make a woman crazy who is concerned about any kind of cramping!) Last night Chris was browning some ground turkey for sloppy joes and the smell literally made me gag and almost lose my cookies. I've never had that issue before. Again, this makes me feel hopeful.
I am scheduled to have the repeat u/s on Monday. Debating about moving it to Friday since I am already off work. But then I really want to have the best chance of seeing some good news- so waiting the full week seems to be the right way to go. It means I am off work another day- which will be NINE days in a row. YIKES! But I really, really, really, need to put this pregnancy first. Thankfully I have a very supportive principal, amazing coworkers, and a great sub taking care of my kids. So why does it stress me out to be missing this much work? I have the sick days- (although I've eaten through many of them over the years of IVF treatments in CO....)
We got a contract in the mail from the OB yesterday for delivery services. Is this normal practice? I'm guessing the billing office hasn't looked at my chart to see that I am still diagnosed with "threatened miscarriage" Also, it is for routine care. I think I've already had more u/s that the "normal" pregnancy has the entire duration. They are also expecting that I still need to meet my entire deductible. Um, nope. Already met that for the year. And it's not even the end of January.
And I'm not even sure that this is the right fit for me. I've had a not so good feeling from one of the OBs and the office staff is less than desirable. So I guess I will deal with the "contract" notion when I go in on Monday.
Finally convinced Chris to let me bring some of my card making supplies into bed with me. He isn't thrilled but he agreed. I need to do something creative or I might lose my mind. Seriously, daytime TV is horrible! And I've already read three books. So, I really need to do something fun!
Looking forward to having a close friend/coworker come by this evening. I've finally finished the 200 invites for her daughters wedding. She's coming to pick them up and also bring me some work from school. Isn't it sad that I am looking forward to having some papers to grade?
Ok, better get off the computer. Chris doesn't like me using the laptop too long. :)
The good news is that I haven't had any red bleeding since Sunday. I've only had brown spotting and its now only on the TP. Can I really hope that the bleed is already reabsorbing? I am worried that if it is in fact large shouldn't there be another bleed of some sort to get rid of it? Not that I am asking for a bleed. Dear God, that is the LAST THING I want.
I read some really scary things about SCH online- but I also read many more positive stories. As each day goes by, I am getting more and more hopeful. But that scares the crap out of me. I know that each and every day I am getting more and more attached to this pregnancy.
My symptoms are increasing. I really have to eat just about every 2 hours or I start to feel sick. Being stationary and on the extra progesterone has caused my digestive system to come to a screeching halt. (Which is not fun at all, and can make a woman crazy who is concerned about any kind of cramping!) Last night Chris was browning some ground turkey for sloppy joes and the smell literally made me gag and almost lose my cookies. I've never had that issue before. Again, this makes me feel hopeful.
I am scheduled to have the repeat u/s on Monday. Debating about moving it to Friday since I am already off work. But then I really want to have the best chance of seeing some good news- so waiting the full week seems to be the right way to go. It means I am off work another day- which will be NINE days in a row. YIKES! But I really, really, really, need to put this pregnancy first. Thankfully I have a very supportive principal, amazing coworkers, and a great sub taking care of my kids. So why does it stress me out to be missing this much work? I have the sick days- (although I've eaten through many of them over the years of IVF treatments in CO....)
We got a contract in the mail from the OB yesterday for delivery services. Is this normal practice? I'm guessing the billing office hasn't looked at my chart to see that I am still diagnosed with "threatened miscarriage" Also, it is for routine care. I think I've already had more u/s that the "normal" pregnancy has the entire duration. They are also expecting that I still need to meet my entire deductible. Um, nope. Already met that for the year. And it's not even the end of January.
And I'm not even sure that this is the right fit for me. I've had a not so good feeling from one of the OBs and the office staff is less than desirable. So I guess I will deal with the "contract" notion when I go in on Monday.
Finally convinced Chris to let me bring some of my card making supplies into bed with me. He isn't thrilled but he agreed. I need to do something creative or I might lose my mind. Seriously, daytime TV is horrible! And I've already read three books. So, I really need to do something fun!
Looking forward to having a close friend/coworker come by this evening. I've finally finished the 200 invites for her daughters wedding. She's coming to pick them up and also bring me some work from school. Isn't it sad that I am looking forward to having some papers to grade?
Ok, better get off the computer. Chris doesn't like me using the laptop too long. :)
Monday, January 23, 2012
There's a heartbeat... but wait...
Waiting in the OB office today was excruciating. We were surrounded by happy couples and one woman who was complaining loudly about all of the inconveniences of pregnancy over the phone. It's a good thing I don't have homicidal tendencies! LOL
We got back to the u/s and the tech was the original one we saw. He was very kind and even had the side screen on so I could see what was going on. He did the abdominal u/s first and noted how large my cyst is. I thought I could see the gestational sac too- and asked about a hematoma. He said that I have a VERY LARGE hematoma. Exactly what I thought.
We went on to the internal u/s and he had a really hard time due to the large cyst. He said it is pushing everything towards the back of my uterus. I thought that I saw something in the sac- but I wasn't sure. Chris and I were STUNNED when he said
"There's the heartbeat"
I sat up- yes with the u/s wand still in place. LMBO. He had a really hard time measuring the heartbeat however, as I couldn't be still and due to the fact it was so far back due to the cyst. There is concern that the heartbeat is low at this point- it is only 81. But part of me wonders how accurate this is considering what a difficult time he had measuring.
The sac is still somewhat abnormal- but it completely due to the SCH. It is directly next to the sac, and is causing it to be distorted.
We were in shock as we waiting to meet with the OB. My OB is off today, and I had to deal with the one who yelled at me. Let's just say her bedside manner isn't getting any better. She was very gloom and doom and quickly burst the excitement Chris and I were feeling about the heartbeat. She wouldn't even give us a hint of where this will end up- just said it is wait and see at this point. She wasn't even going to put me on bed rest. But Chris and I pushed the issue and she agreed.
So I am off work until we go back next Monday. We stopped and saw the chiropractor on the way home. Not sure I totally believe in all he does, but it can't hurt at this point. I've been seeing him since November, and I just feel that it can't hurt at this point, right? I am feeling really guilty about being off work, but I have to put this pregnancy first right now. Otherwise I might have regrets... and I just can't go there right now.
I talked to Tonie at CC.RM on the way home and she was so much more reassuring than the OB. She said that they see this all the time, and that they would have put me on bedrest. So I feel good about that decision.
So, it's another week in limbo. We were SO sure this was it. That we were done. And now we've seen a heartbeat- a place we've NEVER been before.
Can anyone give me stories of hope at this point? Again, if this wasn't happening to me, I am not sure I would even believe it.
We got back to the u/s and the tech was the original one we saw. He was very kind and even had the side screen on so I could see what was going on. He did the abdominal u/s first and noted how large my cyst is. I thought I could see the gestational sac too- and asked about a hematoma. He said that I have a VERY LARGE hematoma. Exactly what I thought.
We went on to the internal u/s and he had a really hard time due to the large cyst. He said it is pushing everything towards the back of my uterus. I thought that I saw something in the sac- but I wasn't sure. Chris and I were STUNNED when he said
"There's the heartbeat"
I sat up- yes with the u/s wand still in place. LMBO. He had a really hard time measuring the heartbeat however, as I couldn't be still and due to the fact it was so far back due to the cyst. There is concern that the heartbeat is low at this point- it is only 81. But part of me wonders how accurate this is considering what a difficult time he had measuring.
The sac is still somewhat abnormal- but it completely due to the SCH. It is directly next to the sac, and is causing it to be distorted.
We were in shock as we waiting to meet with the OB. My OB is off today, and I had to deal with the one who yelled at me. Let's just say her bedside manner isn't getting any better. She was very gloom and doom and quickly burst the excitement Chris and I were feeling about the heartbeat. She wouldn't even give us a hint of where this will end up- just said it is wait and see at this point. She wasn't even going to put me on bed rest. But Chris and I pushed the issue and she agreed.
So I am off work until we go back next Monday. We stopped and saw the chiropractor on the way home. Not sure I totally believe in all he does, but it can't hurt at this point. I've been seeing him since November, and I just feel that it can't hurt at this point, right? I am feeling really guilty about being off work, but I have to put this pregnancy first right now. Otherwise I might have regrets... and I just can't go there right now.
I talked to Tonie at CC.RM on the way home and she was so much more reassuring than the OB. She said that they see this all the time, and that they would have put me on bedrest. So I feel good about that decision.
So, it's another week in limbo. We were SO sure this was it. That we were done. And now we've seen a heartbeat- a place we've NEVER been before.
Can anyone give me stories of hope at this point? Again, if this wasn't happening to me, I am not sure I would even believe it.
Friday, January 20, 2012
?
Sorry for the silence over the past few days. I just didn't have much to say. I've come down with a nasty cold on top of everything else. Exactly what I needed....
I had another bleeding incident yesterday morning. I really thought for sure this was it. I stayed home on Wednesday since I was so miserable from the cold and lack of sleep. I went into work yesterday and just as I started teaching, I felt a gush. I thought I would be fine and just keep teaching- but it did seem to get worse so I made the tough decision to come home. I was afraid that the bleeding would become severe and I wouldn't make it home.
I called the nurse and she talked to the Dr. He also felt that this was probably the end. Told me to put my feet up and push fluids and call if the bleeding became very heavy. I curled up on the couch and waited for the cramping to start.
Only it never did... and by the end of the afternoon, the bleeding had slowed to just spotting again. This morning it is just on the TP and is shifting back to brown. I really don't know what to think. In my heart, I know that this is not a viable pregnancy, but there is a tiny part of me that is still hoping. I am home again today and have an u/s scheduled for Monday morning.
I have had some pinching feelings in my right side near my ovary. Not sure what to make of that, but it doesn't stay very long and isn't intense. I haven't had any real cramping. With both of the other m/c I had lots of cramping.
Wondering if regardless of the viability of this pregnancy, I have a subchorianic hematoma?(Not really sure how to spell that!) From what I read, both of the bleeding episodes sound like they could be caused by something like that.
I am stressed about missing so much school- but I keep reminding myself that I have to do what is best for me. I did get the OB to write a letter- but they only wrote it for yesterday and today. Hoping that I won't have issues with our not so friendly superintendent. My principal knows everything that is going on, so that is all I can do for now.
On a positive note, Chris and I have had lots of time to spend together which is really rare this time of the year. :) Trying to find any spots of positive in all of this.
Thank you for all the well wishes and good thoughts. Please keep them coming!
I had another bleeding incident yesterday morning. I really thought for sure this was it. I stayed home on Wednesday since I was so miserable from the cold and lack of sleep. I went into work yesterday and just as I started teaching, I felt a gush. I thought I would be fine and just keep teaching- but it did seem to get worse so I made the tough decision to come home. I was afraid that the bleeding would become severe and I wouldn't make it home.
I called the nurse and she talked to the Dr. He also felt that this was probably the end. Told me to put my feet up and push fluids and call if the bleeding became very heavy. I curled up on the couch and waited for the cramping to start.
Only it never did... and by the end of the afternoon, the bleeding had slowed to just spotting again. This morning it is just on the TP and is shifting back to brown. I really don't know what to think. In my heart, I know that this is not a viable pregnancy, but there is a tiny part of me that is still hoping. I am home again today and have an u/s scheduled for Monday morning.
I have had some pinching feelings in my right side near my ovary. Not sure what to make of that, but it doesn't stay very long and isn't intense. I haven't had any real cramping. With both of the other m/c I had lots of cramping.
Wondering if regardless of the viability of this pregnancy, I have a subchorianic hematoma?(Not really sure how to spell that!) From what I read, both of the bleeding episodes sound like they could be caused by something like that.
I am stressed about missing so much school- but I keep reminding myself that I have to do what is best for me. I did get the OB to write a letter- but they only wrote it for yesterday and today. Hoping that I won't have issues with our not so friendly superintendent. My principal knows everything that is going on, so that is all I can do for now.
On a positive note, Chris and I have had lots of time to spend together which is really rare this time of the year. :) Trying to find any spots of positive in all of this.
Thank you for all the well wishes and good thoughts. Please keep them coming!
Monday, January 16, 2012
Abnormal
Seriously. I'd like to just catch a break. Just once.
Today's ultrasound showed growth- but the sac is abnormally shaped. The u/s tech was not very optimistic about the prognosis. There was no sign of a fetal pole or yolk sac.
We met with the OB who isn't ready to throw in the towel yet. He does give us less than a 50% chance of this ending with a take home baby. He said he's seen stranger things. I opted not to take any more HCG labs. We're back for another ultrasound next Monday where the OB feels will give us a clear direction.
I really don't know what to think. It's technically only 5w5d today- so still early, right? It turns out that Thursday's HCG was actually 5500- not 5000. So a real nice jump from the 2300 on Monday. It's like one step forward and two steps back. There is almost no spotting- just a smidge on the TP of brown.
I'm afraid to hold onto hope because I know that each and every day means that I will fall even harder if this ends in a m/c. I'm afraid to to do much on Dr. Goo.gle, but I am hoping to find some good news out there.
Do I dare keep hoping for a miracle?
Today's ultrasound showed growth- but the sac is abnormally shaped. The u/s tech was not very optimistic about the prognosis. There was no sign of a fetal pole or yolk sac.
We met with the OB who isn't ready to throw in the towel yet. He does give us less than a 50% chance of this ending with a take home baby. He said he's seen stranger things. I opted not to take any more HCG labs. We're back for another ultrasound next Monday where the OB feels will give us a clear direction.
I really don't know what to think. It's technically only 5w5d today- so still early, right? It turns out that Thursday's HCG was actually 5500- not 5000. So a real nice jump from the 2300 on Monday. It's like one step forward and two steps back. There is almost no spotting- just a smidge on the TP of brown.
I'm afraid to hold onto hope because I know that each and every day means that I will fall even harder if this ends in a m/c. I'm afraid to to do much on Dr. Goo.gle, but I am hoping to find some good news out there.
Do I dare keep hoping for a miracle?
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