Good Riddance 2010!

What a difference a year makes!  I was so very hopeful at the end of 2009.  I don't regret that hope, but I do wish all of that hope paid off.

I thought I'd outline the good... the bad... and the ugly of 2010.

THE GOOD

• We took an AMAZING vacation to St Lucia.  It was a splurge, but worth every last penny.  We finally had the honeymoon we dreamed of, even if it took us 14 years!  It was a week of reconnecting and spending time together.  I think it was a trip we will always remember!
• We have a brand new exterior on our home.  We finally have a home that we can be proud of (at least from the outside)  Not only do we have the benefit of the appearance, we also have a much more energy efficient home thanks to new windows, siding, & roof.
• All three of our furbabies are alive.  I know I have said it before, but I do know that our days with my beloved Patches are numbered.  For now, I am going to continue to cherish my sweet girl.  She makes me nuts with the number of times she must go out, but we knew that this would be the price we paid in her senior years.  She was a really easy puppy, so it is only fair we are paying the price now. 
• My marriage is strong.  We celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary.  We've endured the most challenging years full of so much heartbreak.  But we made it.  We survived.
• We've started the adoption process. I am excited about this new chapter.  I am scared to death at the same time.

THE BAD

• I had to step back from my family. I don't regret this decision, but it has been a big change in my life.  I hope that we will one day be able to mend the relationships.  This is what is best for all of us for now.  
• A storm damaged our home.  It was a long process to get it all fixed, with lots of sleepless nights, emptying buckets, and crying. In the end, it was a mixed blessing as we were able to make many needed repairs to the house thanks to the insurance monies.
• We've once again stopped infertility treatments.  I am sad about this.  I wish we could pursue a few more options, but my desire to be a mother is stronger than my desire to be pregnant.  

THE UGLY

• I am not pregnant.Yes, this is rather obvious if you read my blog.  This is the ugly truth.  Most of 2010 was focused on our endeavors to get pregnant.  We made two trips to Denver, transferred four embryos in what was called textbook perfect cycles.  The first was just a simple BFN- one that stunned us and our RE.  The second, well, that was even worse.  
• I miscarried our perfect little angel.  I am forever changed.  I have known was it was to be pregnant and feel the changes in my body.  I know what it feels like to have new life inside my body.  My heart will forever be just a little bit heavier when I think of what could have been.  

So there it is- a brief synopsis of 2010.  Sadly, the bad and ugly outweighed most of the good this year.  But I am a survivor.  I made it to the end of this year. 

So for now, I say goodbye to 2010- one of the toughest years in my life.  I know many of you have had similar years.  My heart goes out to each and every one of you.  May 2011 be full of happiness for us all!

&*#% You Mother Nature!!

I have a real end of the year post in draft form, but needed to vent.

Guess what just showed up?  Yep, AF.  F U Mother Nature!!!!

I had a medically induced AF on December 10th.  That was 21 freaking days ago. 

I have rotten cramps. 

I have big plans for tonight.  Too much to get done before Tuesday.

Seriously?! 

One week... YIKES!

Our first home study appointment is one week from today.  I think I am more nervous about this than I was with any of my surgeries!  I don't think I would be as nervous if it wasn't also taking place in our home.  Feeling LOTS of pressure.  (And I am sure most of it is self-imposed)

We live in an old home- one that has been in my family for 4 generations.  I love its charm and character.  I really do, but it is far from the perfect home.  Add in the fact our home was under construction repairs for almost half of 2010, and there is a lot of work to get done.  Chris and I have always been sensitive about the appearance of our home, and now that we have someone coming in to "inspect" it, I am about to lose my mind.  Chris has a surprisingly calm attitude about it all.  He was a freak about all of the details before we had a date set, and now he seems very laid back and whatever is, is... He is also working crazy hours over winter break between the high school team, club team, and private lessons.  So that leaves me here at home making myself nuts. 

So, if there are any of you reading who have been through the process- Can you calm my nerves?  Can you tell me what to expect?  What if there are things that she feels need to be corrected?  What happens then?  Does that mean you have a negative rating?  What things did your social worker look at?  Were there things that she needed you to correct?  I guess it is good that I am obsessed about the physical space so I can start to panic about the actual interview process! 

I think it's just hard when you have failed so long to feel like you might actually end up with a positive outcome.  In our early treatment days, I was not always treated with dignity and respect, so I think I am projecting some of my feelings about that onto this adoption process.  It's also so very hard from going from the "top" if the treatment world in sense of knowledge/experience to a whole new unknown world.  I mean after 10 years of treatment, you know what to expect.  This is all new to me- and VERY scary.

Then there is the big cloud- what if we are found to not be good candidates for parenting?  What if all these years of treatment failure was the universe trying to tell us that we weren't meant to be parents?  I hate the fact that we have to prove ourselves at all.  I guess I need to resolve that in the next 7 days! 

I am sorry I have not been a good ICLW participant this month.  I think the combination of the holidays and this upcoming homestudy is just more than this girl can handle. 

Christmas Eve 2010

I had high hopes last Christmas that we would be in a different place today.  I suppose in many ways, we are in a very different place than we were.  It's just not the destination I had hoped for.  This Christmas is different in many ways, but not in the positive way we had so highly hoped.  I am trying hard to not dwell on what could have been- but it's so hard.  It's hard not to think where we "should" be at this point if things had worked out in January or September.  But if there is anything I have learned, there is no should when it comes to IF. 

I am angry and sad.  I am going to allow myself that for just one more hour, and then I have to put on the happy face and embrace what our Christmas IS this year, not what I wish it was.  We have a wonderful home, friends who love us as if we were family, and enough resources to live comfortably.  We are blessed, and I am hoping that can guide me through the next 48 hours. 

I am also thankful that we can do as we wish in that time frame, and are not under any obligation to be anywhere.  In years past I have hosted my immediate family on Christmas Eve and gone to my Aunt's house on Christmas Day. We are estranged from my family (by my choice) so we are spending the time doing what we want to- spending it with friends who have supported and loved us beyond words over the past difficult year.  Tonight we will have dinner with the Rinaldi family.  They really have become our family.  Then we will  be heading down to Children's Memorial Hospital for the day tomorrow to spend it with our dear friend and her daughter. Devon had a second major back surgery on Tuesday and will be spending Christmas in the hospital.  We're taking her an Ipod touch to keep her busy as she endures the next 6 weeks of recovery.  I am really looking forward to spending the day cheering someone else up!  I am hoping it will keep me from missing what could have been this year.

I hope you all are able to find some peace this holiday.

December ICLW

Today is the first day of December's ICLW.  Welcome if you are coming to my blog for the first time.

Our story is long and involved.  You can find the cliff notes version on the top tab marked timeline.  You can also see my previous ICLW welcome posts here, here, and here too. The really short version is that we've been trying to have a baby for more than 10 years.  We got really close this fall, but sadly had an early miscarriage in October after an FET from our 4th IVF cycle.

We are moving on to adoption at this point and have our first home study visit on January 4th.  My heart still yearns to cycle one more time, but DH is not on board with that plan right now.  Our hearts have always been pulled to adoption, and we also have a failed adoption in our past.  We are looking forward to finally having our "missing piece" through the miracle of adoption.

I am also a teacher and am still in school until Wednesday. It's a little crazy at a middle school in the days before winter break, so I may not be able to post as much as I had hoped to.  I am also a creative nerd and am working to finish a few last minute Christmas gifts.  I plan to share photos of my creations after they have been given as gifts.

Enough rambling for now... Happy ICLW!

Holiday Hustle

Sorry I have neglected my blog over the last week.  Trying hard to embrace the holiday hustle and bustle.  Enjoyed a day of baking last Saturday with Miriam that resulted in these goody bags for people at work.  I am so blessed to have such supportive coworkers who I also consider friends. 

Christmas card production is the goal for today.  Design is set, letter is written- now to get it all pulled together.  Hoping to get them all made this weekend and in the mail by Monday.  I'll be sure to share once I am done.

Hope you are all finding a little joy in the season. It's been a tough year for so many of us.  I wouldn't have made it without each and every one of you.  I wish I could send you all a little goody bag of sweets to express my gratitude.  Consider this a virtual one!  :)

Oh my Ovaries.... (updated)

Just wondering if anyone has any thoughts on this...

Stopped progesterone on Monday in hopes AF would soon show.

Last night I started getting some ovarian pain.  This morning both ovaries feel heavy and sore. 

I think this is strange...

Did anyone experience anything like this post miscarriage?

I was on Depot Lupron and then BCP and regular Lupron before the FET, so my ovaries were shut down until I got pregnant.  Why would they start to wake up now?  Progesterone shouldn't activate them like estrogen does.

Thoughts?  And lucky me gets to sit in a meeting all day with throbbing ovaries.

Update:  Cramping started up full force on my way to work.  I think AF is on her way. 

TMI Warning

There's some strange stuff coming from my nether-regions.  This could be interesting.  Figures she will come on full force while DH is heading out of town.  I guess that is a good and bad thing all wrapped up.  Might just have to take a mental health day tomorrow....

two months ago

Two months ago, my world came crashing down around me.

And I am still trying to find all of the pieces to put myself back together.

It's like trying to put back a broken heirloom vase.  You think you've got all the pieces just where they are supposed to go and just need to find one more tiny piece.  While you are looking for that little piece, all of the others lose balance and fall apart again, this time breaking into even smaller pieces.

That's where I am at.  I am at the tiny scattered pieces.  And I am not doing well at getting myself together.

I am trying to remind myself that hormones are definitely partially to blame.  I finished a week of progesterone yesterday in the hopes that I can finally have my first post miscarriage AF.  I don't have regular cycles to begin with and adding in the miscarriage has just made for one hormonal mess in my body. I am dreading AF when she finally comes- I know she will be angry and vengeful and painful.  Hoping to have it all over with before the damn holidays start. 

I am still without a car, and we don't have a clue where the repair shop is at with the repairs.  Chris hasn't spoken to anyone about my car since he dropped it off on Friday.  He's left messages but has not talked to anyone.  I am so thankful for my coworkers who have offered to pick me up and bring me home- none of which live really close to me.  I work close to 30 miles from home, so it is quite important that I have a ride.  It was also -2 with the windchill today, so it would have been a really chilly walk!

I am trying really hard not to dwell on all of the negative things in my life right now. I am so tempted to make a list of all the crap I am dealing with right now just to see it on paper.  I am not sure that would really help at this point!  I just keep thinking that if I could go back in time and somehow keep the miscarriage from happening that everything else would be ok.  It just feels like I could deal with all of the other crap right now if I had that just one little thing.

At what point will I stop thinking about where I would be if I was still pregnant?  At what point will I stop counting weeks? I feel like for every one step forward I take, I end up at least 3 behind in the next breath.

I really want to be ok.  I know that I will be ok in time.  I just don't know how to get there.

Stranded

I've been stranded in the house since Friday night.  I am really ok with it, but it's funny how you want to go out and do things just because you can't!

My car is now at the shop but will hopefully cost less than the $1000 the dealer quoted.  A friend suggested a shop they use and we decided to give it a shot since the cost was MUCH less than the dealer.  It's amazing how $600 can seem like a small amount.  It's all about perspective, right?

I've spent most of the weekend trying to decide on what to do for our Christmas cards.  I've decided to do paper versions and not digital.  I *need* to get paper in my hands and have the time creating.  It's what my soul needs right now.  I'm still moving things into my studio, but there is enough there for me to get started on being creative.

We are hoping to send a little different Christmas letter in our cards this year.  We want to share our intentions to adopt with all of our friends & family.  Chris has a theory that we have such a large network of people in our lives, that someone must know someone who is looking for an adoptive couple for their child.  It's worth a shot, right?  So I am feeling some pressure with getting cards out.  I know we could send the information out later, but it just makes sense to send it out all with our holiday cards.

I did purchase a domain name for our adoption website.  I don't want to link it here since it could be connected back here and I just don't want that. If you are interested, go to www. chris and patience .com (take out the spaces)  Right now it is just a single page.  We still have a LONG way to go to have a live profile.  I've started working on it, and can't even begin to think about how we will finalize even the tiniest detail of photos, let alone what to write!

We got an email from our social worker at the agency this week.  She wants to set up our first meeting in our home.  Yikes!  I thought this would come at the end and with all of the work we still have to do around here, it put me into a panic.  Honestly, I haven't even responded to the email yet.  I think I will send a quick email this afternoon and hopefully call her as well.  I think we'll be ready after the first of the year.  I just need some time to get the little things done around here from all of the construction.

Oh, and Chris and I still haven't talked about the call from Dr Sch.  I've realized that my heart would love to cycle again, but my head knows it's not really a possibility right now.  We need to take the unknown path.  We just can't go down the treacherous treatment again right now.  (If I was offered a free cycle at ccrm, though....)

Hoping to get the Christmas card design finalized this afternoon!

The $1,000 vent

Nope, that's not the cost of anything fun.

It's the estimated cost to repair my car- the car that just reached 100,000 miles and the end of the warranty two weeks ago.  Yep, we really are lucky!  If only we had taken it in when I first mentioned the issue to Chris.  Trying REALLY hard not to dwell on that...

I am frustrated as you can imagine.  I know this is not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.  But $1,000 is a great deal of money when you have spent your savings on an IVF.  And we still are getting bills for my labs during the miscarriage.  Good times all around. And let's just remember that it's December which means the holidays and the expenses that come with that. 

I am finding myself really having a hard time being positive lately.  Not only am I still trying to cope with the miscarriage and Christmas, but now I have to deal with the additional financial strain getting my car fixed will cost.  Chris and I work opposite shifts, but not opposite enough that we can live with one car.  I was able to get a ride to and from school today from friends, but that won't work in the long run.  It's amazing how dependent we are on having a car.  I feel like a prisoner in my house tonight. 

A middle school in December is also tons of fun.  The kids are crazy.  The staff are counting the days.  This year we have school until December 22nd.  It's going to be a LONG 14 days of school!  I've had to refer two kids to the office in the past week, which is more than I have done for the rest of the year!  I know my heart just isn't 100% into being the best teacher right now, and that stresses me out even more.  I hate not being the top of my game.  But I just don't have a choice.  My heart is still healing, and it seems to have a setback about every other day. 

So I am rambling here.  Frustrated that the universe is screwing us once again.  Can't we just catch a break for once?  I mean, shouldn't I at least be able to purchase some nice gifts to mask the pain of being child free once again this Christmas?  Can't the universe cut me some slack?  Pretty please?