Christmas Peace

For the first time in many years, I am feeling a sense of peace today. 

Our lives are full of so many people who are so excited to help us welcome our little miracle in 2013.  We've been showered with gifts towards our adoption fund that have brought Chris and I to tears.  We know that there are so many people who are are supporting us in every way that matters.  We don't have a traditional family support system, but we are so amazingly blessed with a family of friends who love and cherish us.  Each person we've shared our exciting news with has been so happy for us and has offered whatever support we need. 

I've been aching for this sense of peace for so long.  I can only imagine the magnitude of the feelings once we have a little one in our arms.  So, my dear friends, I am fully jumping in.  I am going to let go and just hope and believe that all of our struggles and loss have brought us to the moment we hold our little one.  And for this moment, I am going to believe with all my heart that will finally be possible in late March. 

We spent a wonderful Christmas Eve with our very close friends.

Chris and I on Christmas Eve. 

Chris with Maddi & Dante

We had a quiet Christmas just the two of us.  It was so nice to have some quiet time together.  We purchased only practical gifts for one another, but made sure to wrap them in pretty packages.  :)  Romeo was treated to a few squeeky toys that met a very quick demise. 

Romeo really wants to open his stocking!

We went to a movie with our friends last night and then went back to their house for dinner, drinks, and cards.  We made fabulous pumpkin martinis and ate left over ham.  We shared lots of laughter!

Today I am enjoying my first real day of Winter Break.  Doing a little cleaning, catching up on the DVR, snuggling with Romeo, and basking in the glow of this feeling of Peace. 

Wishing you all a sense of peace as we close out 2012. 

Christmas Eve 2012

In Christmases past, I've been frantically getting everything together on Christmas Eve morning for my family to come over.  I have some really fond memories of Christmas Eves when my niece was little and before the family drama got to the point that I had to walk away.  I am feeling some nostalgia this morning, and sad that we can't go back to those magical Christmas Eves with the kids.  I sent gifts for the kids last year with my cousin, and apparently that was very insensitive of me and I was told that I am not allowed to do anything like that again.  My heart is heavy, but I know that I made the right choice and recent events have validated that choice.  It's still a little sad to not have family around you at the holidays, but we are so very blessed to have amazing friends who are more like family to us.  And the upside to that... I don't have to worry about cleaning the house right now and can sit here enjoying a cup of coffee with the glow of the Christmas tree and Romeo curled at my feet. 

Do I dare even say that we're hoping that this is our final Christmas as a family of two?  Could 2013 really be our year?  Feeling very hopeful and terrified all at the same time!

Our lunch with M went well.  We met her at her house and then drove to the restaurant.  It was an interesting menu, and not one I would have chosen, but M had fond memories of the restaurant from her childhood and wanted to take us there.  Chris and I got to spend some quality time with her daughter and M was able to actually eat a meal without a little one trying to keep that from happening!  M talks very loudly, so I am pretty sure the entire restaurant knew our story by the time we left.  Oh well!  She has some misconceptions about the actual adoption process at the hospital that we'll need to get corrected.  She doesn't care for her social worker at the agency, so she asks us most of the questions.  I'm going to call my attorney in a little bit to get some clarification and then call M and let her know. 

M shared a few things about her last OB appointment, and I am a little concerned about a few things.  She's been put on progesterone support to prevent early labor... yikes!  I did a little googling when we got home and worked myself into a frenzy of course.  She has an u/s on Jan 4th and I asked if I could go with her.  She said yes, and in fact is excited she won't have to go by herself for once.  I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am about being able to go and see the little one on the screen.  Also hoping that I can get some reassurance from the OB about what is really going on.  In our experience, M doesn't always hear everything that someone says and needs some clarification herself.  Hoping that being a second pair of ears will also help M. 

M has also requested to see our home for herself.  She feels she needs to see where the baby will be going, and honestly I can't blame her.  She has all of our contact info already, and a quick google search would give you our address.  Chris and I talked about it, and feel that it is the right thing to do.  We've always felt strongly that we wanted an open adoption.  We've been working to develop a relationship with M and sharing our hopes for an open adoption little by little with her. We're hoping for the end of January.  That means Chris has to get some of his home projects done and we might just have to take the leap and..... set up a..... nursery.  Yikes!!!  I am sure that M will want to see more than the single onesie I've allowed myself to purchase.  My good friend has offered to escort me into Babies...R....Us... for the first time.  This might just be the kick in the arse I needed to get over my fears.

I am feeling some peace... there's still the nagging voice in the back of my head that reminds me that this might all fall apart at the 11th hour.  I am trying to keep her as quiet as possible for now.  And the reality that the little one might be here sooner than we expected has pushed her even farther back.  (but of course I started researching about preemies.... !)

Hoping you all have a wonderful Christmas.  For those of you with little miracles, hug them a little tighter and give them a little extra love from Chris and I.  For those of you still in the trenches with me, take good care of yourself and allow yourself to feel whatever comes.  Much love to you all!

Christmas... Past, Present, & Future all in one day!

First off, I apologize for the Blog Silence.  It's been a busy few weeks with work and getting etsy orders filled.  And then the tragedy of last week happened, and I just couldn't find the words to share here about it, so I decided that no words were my contribution to the blogosphere's way of processing it all.  I don't think I have fully processed it- and don't know that I ever will. 

It almost seems trivial to talk about anything else... but I read a quote somewhere about how moving on with "normal" life is often the best way to pay tribute to those who've been lost.  I don't know if that's the right idea, and when we've experienced any sort of loss, I was always pissed that it seemed that life was just going on around me.  But in the end, it was that sense of normal life that helped me to reengage in life.  So that's what I am going to do... try to fully engage in life- this crazy life that we're living!

Today is going to be a whirlwind of emotions.  We're meeting M for lunch today.  It will be the first time we've seen her in person since we've agreed to the adoption plan.  We've communicated a great deal over text.  We had a rocky few days with our agency and some communication pieces with all those involved.   There are so many professionals involved that sometimes it is very frustrating.  We have our attorney that I adore and respect greatly.  She has been our rock through all of this.  Then we have a social worker at the agency who did our homestudy and is also our contact.  Then there is a social worker who is assigned to M through the agency.  While we have a great deal of communication with M, anything with support has to go through the agency and while we are so grateful for that, it can be a challenge with communication.  M talks to her social worker, who talks to our social worker, who calls us.  And sometimes our attorney has to intervene to make things work with this process, and last week the director of the agency got involved as well.  It was an extremely stressful few weeks, but we *finally* feel like everything has been addressed and we can now work on developing a relationship with M and hope that the professionals can work with the system we've all set up.

Chris is at practice this morning.  He'll come home and change and we'll make the 90 minute drive to pick M up and take her to lunch.  She had a Dr appt this week, so hoping we'll have a chance to talk a little about it.  It's such a strange world to live in, and I don't know that anyone prepares you for this. Our initial conversation in person was good, so hoping that things will go smooth today.  I am hoping to feel some sense of peace after today.  We've had so much loss that it is just so darn hard to believe that we will finally be in a place to become parents in a few months.  It's crazy to start thinking about what our Christmas future might hold!

After our lunch with M, we're heading into the city for an annual Christmas party.  We'll see our swimmers from years past who are now all grown up.  It's always so fun to see everyone and we always say we have to get together more than just once a year, but life just gets in the way. It's a little strange to be sharing a bottle of wine with girls you've known since they were 8, but it's also pretty cool at the same time.  They've all become such amazing adults, and it makes my heart swell with pride knowing we had just a little bit to do with that.  We've been a part of so many kids lives, and the idea that we might just finally be able to share our life with a child of our own is almost more than my heart can take.  I am actually tearing up just writing this post...  We've been making this trip into the city for more than a decade, and it's truly one of the highlights of our Christmas.

With that, I need to actually consider getting dressed for our big adventures.  Thinking of you all today, and still feeling so full of gratitude for the love and support you have all shown us!

My Heart is Full

There simply aren't words to express how full my heart is from all of the kindness that has been showered on me from all of you.  The orders from my etsy shop and the donations to our good wishes page have seriously made me cry tears of gratitude.  I am so thankful for each and every one of you who have taken the time to support us in this way.  We still have a long way to go in terms of meeting the financial obligations related to this adoption plan, but we are getting closer each and every day.  We are fortunate to have friends who have offered to help us with some of the large costs up front while we continue to fund raise. 

It's been another exhausting week working to get everything thing in place for M.  She has connected with Chris and has been texting him daily.  I am forever grateful that he has such a calm and charismatic personality and is able to work with M.  We feel strongly that we are meant to be in M's life- not just in terms of the adoption, but also to help support her and make an impact in her life.  It is not going to be an easy four months, but we knew that when we agreed to the match. 

I took a few more leaps this week.  I told my boss and got the necessary paperwork to apply for FMLA.  I haven't filled any of it out- that leap will have to wait for another day.  :)  Chris shared the news with the Parent Board of our swim team.  We've slowly shared the news with those closest to us, and even some outside of our inner circle.  I might have even started to pin some ideas for a potential nursery. 

My heart is so full of gratitude and hope, but yet I find myself struggling.  Chris and I had a rough evening last night, and it really was my fault.  I was in such a foul mood and I found myself in tears over really stupid stuff.  I am super emotional right now.  I couldn't figure it out what the heck was wrong with me- why aren't I on cloud nine?

And then it hit me.

I am terrified.

Hope scares the crap out of me.  We're closer to our dream of parenting than we have ever been.  While there always going to be questions and the chance we will end up with empty arms, there is no reason to believe that will be the case.  So why can't I let go?  I want to let go of all the loss and heartache of the past and be able to truly embrace and enjoy the role of potential adoptive parent.  I want to be able to consider the notion of setting up a nursery.  I want to be able to accept the excitement of those we love when we tell them about the adoption without tempering their excitement with all of the cautionary tales of what could go wrong.

One of my closest friends and I were talking about all of this.  She shared that she envisions my heart as being made of glass- and that I am just trying hard to protect it.  It's really not that I feel that there are reservations about M placing.  It's just the idea in general- that we might actually really end up with our precious tiny miracle.  I'm just so damn scared to put my heart all the way into this.  I'm putting on a good face with those around me, but inside I am terrified.

I need to find a way to get over this.  We can't do this for the next four months.  So- any words of wisdom you can provide?

And again... thank you for filling my heart with so much gratitude with your love and support. That glass heart of mine is bursting with all of the love you've shared with me.  I just need to find some steel to go around it! I really couldn't imagine getting through all of this without all of you.

Thank You

Thank you for all of the words of congratulations and support.  It means so very much to both Chris and I.  This has been a LONG time coming, and I am trying to embrace hope and believe this will be our happy ever after.

It is becoming a little more real with each time we share our news with someone close to us.  There have been tears of joy, lots of hugs, and offers of support.  We're still a little guarded with the news just yet, but have loved sharing it with those who are closest to our heart. 

M had told us that she didn't want to find out the gender of the baby, but that she would have the nurse write it down and send it to us.  It appears that the technician didn't know that plan, and at her u/s yesterday blurted out the gender of the baby.  She texted Chris right away to tell us. Oh my word, this makes it feel so much more real.  I even let myself to start thinking about names and a nursery theme.  Can I really take the full leap?  Can I pretend that I don't carry the baggage of so much loss and just go on as a normal person preparing for a baby in a few months? 

One of the biggest challenges is that we need to do some fundraising to make the large initial payment to our agency.  We've made a partial payment, but need to come up with the balance asap.  Thankfully, I've had some sales in my etsy shop lately, and Chris is getting ready to do some private lessons over winter break.  I am selling my creations at an open house/cookie exchange tomorrow and may do an open house next weekend too.... I just need to get some inventory made!  :)

You can help by sharing links to my etsy shop.... PB Creations at Etsy and share links to our Good Wishes Page.  I am also working on getting a video put together so we can apply to be a family on the Give1Save1 domestic blog.  I am trying to come up with something creative, but haven't had a strike of genius yet. 

Thank you for being part of our journey and being a source of support and comfort.  Thank you in advance for keeping me sane during the next four months!

We took the leap...

As of today, we are officially matched.

We took the leap.  With both feet and eyes wide open.

There is still a LONG way to go, and a long way to fall.

Hoping, wishing, and praying, that our missing piece will be here in March. 

I have lots more to say, but I am going to leave it at that. 

We are matched.  Oh.my.God. 

Standing at the ledge....

That's what I feel like right now.  That I am standing on the ledge, and I am torn what to do next.

Do I take the leap and hope that we finally land in the world of parenthood?

Do I walk away just case there is something sharp at the bottom of the cliff?

After more going back and forth with the adoption professionals in our life, we *think* that we have come to a point of agreement in terms of living expenses for M.  It is the same number we've always agreed to, but is still beyond what I would have ever expected we'd be paying in living expenses every month.  There's one more issue that is still being worked out, but I do think that we can come to terms with it all.

I am terrified.

I have some trust issues after all these years of infertility and loss.  There are some things about the way M has handled herself that have added to my trust issues.  I want to believe with my whole heart that we will provide all of this support and in the end, M will choose to place with us and our dreams will finally come true.  I just can't seem to take that leap.

While the adoption professionals agree that M has some definite motives in working with us, they do all get the sense that she will in fact place.  While there are no guarantees in anything, and especially with the world we live in, that should give me some hope.  But let's face it, we don't have a great track record in terms of things working out. 

I am scared that we are making decisions with our heart and our ache for a child rather than our head.  We stuck to our budget, even though it really was the HIGH end of our budget, and will require some fundraising to make ends meet. It isn't going to be easy, and if I could just know that it will all be worth it in the end I could do it. 

But I can't see what is beyond the ledge...

This isn't how I imagined our adoption story was going to play out.  I was hoping for the fairytale. 

We need to decide if we are going to take the leap.  We need to have the first month's expenses to the agency by Friday.  How do I know if this is right?  How do I know if this is the path we are supposed to take?  Anyone out there have words of wisdom?  For those of you who matched, how did you know it was "right"?  I was hoping for some sense of peace, and that just hasn't come.  But I don't have a sense of dread, either. 

As I have always said, there are so many things that are right about this situation.  She is fairly local to us and in-state.  She appears to be healthy and is getting prenatal care.  Her daughter has many of the same features as Chris.  M has made a connection to us and has told us that she thinks we are the right parents to raise her child. 

Do we take the leap and hope that is how things end up?

Intoxicating

After a tough Thanksgiving, the rest of the weekend went much better.  I think I just really needed to deal with the anger and sadness and then I was able to move on.  We had a fabulous time with our friends on Friday, and I am so very glad we went.  I was really feeling like it might be time for us to start considering what it meant to live childfree. I thought that I was ready to start thinking about that possibility.

I was wrong.

Snuggle time with Katie, our friend's daughter

Oh my word.  There is just something so sweet and intoxicating about holding a baby like this.  Instead of feeling overwhelming sadness about the fact that this sweet baby is close to the age the baby we lost in February would be, I felt an incredible sense of peace while holding her. Oh, and the sweet smell of her tiny little head?  I am not sure I could ever get enough!  I suppose this is all a sign that I am moving in the right direction, that all of the pain and heartache of the past 12 years will be worth it... if I ever have the chance to hold my own sweet baby like this.  (Please excuse the flatness of my curls in this photo... this was much later in the evening!)

And then there was this....

Chris with Katie and her big brother Matty

I don't know if I have ever been more attracted to this man than in this photo.  He is truly a natural when it comes to kids and they just are drawn to him.  (I promise that we didn't get confused between the wine glass and the bottle!)

Now, there was a great deal of wine later in the evening and I may have felt a little ill when we got home.  But there was a great deal of laughter, even in the midst of being the only childless couple there.  We may have also joked repeatedly about stealing Katie, since she is the youngest of four, but we promise she went home safe and sound with her mom and dad. 

So I guess this point is this... we're okay, and we're going to keep plugging along.  I want the chance to have that intoxicating sweet baby smell (and all of the not so sweet smells) in our home and our hearts.

And we heard from M today.  Apparently she has decided that she does in fact want to work with us.  I don't know how I feel about it, and she still wants us to provide more than what we are comfortable with.  We are being VERY generous and will have to make some deep sacrifices to even provide the level of support we have offered.  She texted Chris late in the day and we've spoken to our attorney about it.  We reiterated that M needs to discuss all financial aspects with the agency only, not us directly.  We'll see what tomorrow brings- and we feel strongly that we will hold firm with our position.  As we've always said, if she is willing to work with that, we will move forward.  I don't think that M is being completely honest with us on several things, but I know that is part of who she is.  We'll see what the next few days hold.  I refuse to be manipulated for the next several months, and have already distanced myself from it all for now.

Please keep sending positive thoughts our way.  I am in constant awe of the love and support from all of you out there.  I can't wait for the day that I can share our joy with all of you rather than sorrow.

another childless Thanksgiving

I know... quite the dramatic title.  Forgive me. 

Yesterday was tough.  Tougher than I expected.  Tougher than it's been in many years.

We started the way we always do with the local Turkey Trot 5k.  Ok, Chris and our friends ran along with several of the kids from our swim team while I watched and took photos.  :)  I really need to get back into running but that's another post all together.  After my runners all passed, I stood there watching all of the young families cross the start line and it almost broke my heart.  Seeing the running strollers, the toddlers wobbly little walks, the parents cheering on their little ones, it was almost more than I could take.  It's really two-fold.  First, there's the obvious pain that we aren't there yet and if we hadn't had miscarriage #3, we could have been pushing one of those strollers.  Second, there is the marking of time.  I know I've written about this before.  The passage of yet another holiday makes my empty arms ache.  This is the 13th Thanksgiving since we started trying to have a child.  And now that Thanksgiving is over... Christmas is right around the corner.  After Christmas is the end of 2012, which means that our dreams didn't come true in 2012.  I know that the fact that the adoption lead fell apart this week is also weighing heavy on my heart.

After our post-race breakfast, I tried to share my feelings with Chris.  Just as I always do, I kept the happy face on through the race, cheering on the kids and watching Chris encourage and support each of the kids as they crossed the finish line.  On the car ride home, I started to unravel.  Chris is the eternal optimist, and just can't go with me down the sadness road.  He never has been able to, and I know that I owe his strength so much over the past several years.  It also frustrates me beyond belief.  He reminded me that we've "only" been at this for a little over a year, and it takes time.  Really?  Why can't we just catch a break?  Now, he's had his moments of anger and despair, but he really can't handle when I get into my funk. 

And that's just what I was in yesterday... a huge funk.  I was angry most of the morning and struggled to cook my first ever Turkey.  This type A girl can't handle not knowing how to do things, and the challenge of cooking the turkey was almost more than I could handle.  There was some yelling and crying, but in the end, the turkey was perfect. 

In the years since we decided to walk away from my family, we usually spend Thanksgiving with a close friends and their extended family.  This year they were also celebrating the first birthday of their great nephew in conjunction with Thanksgiving.  Invitations were sent out for the birthday party, and we weren't included.  We were of course more than welcome to come, and in fact our friends gave us a hard time about not coming.  However, we decided that we'd have a small Thanksgiving here at our house along with our other very close friend.  We made this decision before the adoption lead fell apart, but after that happened, it felt like the right choice to have a childless Thanksgiving here at home.  It was the right choice, and it was nice to just spend the day here at home with our close friend and her teenage daughter and her boyfriend.

Today we will go to celebrate our annual friend's Black Friday Thanksgiving.  And it will be far from childfree.  In fact, one of our friends commented that the kids will outnumber the adults for the first time this year.  These are all of our friends from high school, and this is one of the only times we see them.  Our lives have just done in different directions- mostly because we don't have children and all of them do.  They've been so very supportive of us and have tried to help us in any way they can.  But that can't take away that we will be the ONLY ones there without children.  We agreed to go back when we thought things were possible with M.  Now that has fallen apart, and it is going to be a tough road today.  My saving grace?  The fact that there will be a great deal of wine consumed and I've already called "drinking" so Chris has to be the DD.  :)    Please send some positive thoughts my way this afternoon as we navigate yet another tradition as the childless couple. 

as expected...

I spoke to our attorney at length today and was once again reminded why we chose to work with her.  She has high ethics and also doesn't sugar coat things.  I am thankful that she is working on our behalf.

The social worker that met with M went over her expenses she listed, but in no way agreed that they were allowable under the law.  She shared with our attorney that she also felt that they were well beyond what is "appropriate" while they are in all intense purposes legal under IL law.  She had many of the same impressions we had about M and the fact that things don't seem to add up with everything she says.

We shared with our attorney what we were comfortable both financially and ethically covering.  She shared that with the social worker who then called M.  As expected, M did not accept the level of support we are willing to provide.  In fact, she told the social worker that she has been in contact with another attorney and will be presenting her expenses to him/her and that she has another couple in mind.  She told the social worker that she was going to take a week to think about it and then get back to her.  Honestly, I am not sure what we will do if she comes back and wants to work with us.

We are heartbroken, of course.  But more than that, I am angry.  I feel used and manipulated and so disillusioned with the entire process.  My old IF wounds have been ripped open again as I am left wondering why someone like M is able to easily conceive while so many of us aren't so lucky.  I am left reeling and trying to decide how much longer we can do this.  At what point is it time to recognize that the universe doesn't intend us to be parents?  I feel like each step of our journey has left us more scarred and broken and I worry if I will ever be whole enough to be the mom a child deserves?

Chris has started talking about surrogacy again and I just can't even imagine going back into treatment right now.  We've got just under a year left on our retainer with our attorney.  We have our resources invested in adoption right now and I don't feel like we should jump ship just yet.  However, I just don't know how I can put myself out there again.  I don't understand why it seems that everyone else is being picked, and we simply are the last ones standing... AGAIN. 

Seriously, what did I do to piss off the universe this much? 

Gray

That just about defines my life at this moment.  It's been more than a week since I last posted, and I really don't have any exciting updates to share.  We're living in gray right now.  We've had some crazy weather shifts in the past week which have resulted in crazy foggy gray evenings and mornings.  My work life has been crazy busy and I feel as though my head is swirling with gray all the time without any sort of focus.  I am supposed to be writing a final self-reflection paper for my grad school class right now, but felt the need to dump out some angst here before continuing.  Paper is due at midnight... so I have a full 7 hours left to write it, right?

The biggest weight right now is the fact we are still living in the gray area with M, the expectant mother we are working with.  She met with the social worker on Friday and listed all of her expenses.  It's such an icky place to even talk about and probably my biggest hang-up about the domestic adoption process.  Yes, I know there are states that don't allow living expenses and yes, I know that there are other options for us.  But this is the path we are on, and we have chosen to work directly with expectant parents rather than use an agency.  There are many reasons for this, so please understand that we are on the path that is right for us.  We just don't know if THIS specific path is the right one.

I've been doing lots of thinking and processing about what it means to provide living expenses to an expectant mom.   I don't think I'll ever come up with the "right" answer that makes me feel completely at peace.  Our attorney has provided us with the information and guidance and we know in our hearts that she will help us determine if this is the right path for us.  As I have always said, there is so many things that are right about this situation.  As much as I tried not to let it happen, I have started to dream about the what if's should this finally be our chance at parenting.  It's going to really hurt to walk away at this point, but I know that it will only be harder the further along we go.

We're in limbo land once again.  While it is not even close to the same thing, this feels so much like the last pregnancy that ended up in miscarriage.  We'd start to feel really good and then we'd have some bad news.  We were constantly waiting for appointments to find out the next step.  And that is exactly where we are at now.  Our attorney will be in contact with M's social worker on Monday and then get back to us.  We know what we are comfortable with providing in terms of living expenses, and as of right now that is not even close to meeting what M is asking for.  We need some clarification from the professionals involved and then we will need to make some decisions.  There are lines that Chris and I are not willing to cross- even if they are legally allowable.  We know that drawing the line might mean that M decides not to work with us, and we have come to the point that we are ok with that.  It will sting and I am sure there will be tears, but we have to be at peace with the choice.

There is still a chance that we can all get on the same page with living expenses and make an "official" adoption plan. (It is just that- a plan, not anything that commits M to placing, just saying that she is working with us and is making a plan to place)  M has some immediate expenses she would like covered, so I feel we will have some resolution one way or another in the next few weeks.  We are scheduled to take her to an u/s appointment on Nov 26, and I want to have the living expenses situated before that point and have made our adoption plan as well.  I don't think my heart can take going and seeing the u/s if it looks like we will have to walk away.

Please keep sending positive thoughts our way that we are able to find some peace one way or another in the coming weeks.  I don't know how much more gray this girl can take!

Remembering Wilson- 5 years Later

It's been five years since this we said goodbye to a coworker, teacher, coach, and most of all friend.  She's been on my mind lately, and I can't believe that it's been five years since I last saw her face and heard hear laughter.  Laurie was an amazing spirit and soul, who touched so many young lives and those who were fortunate to be her friends and coworkers. 

She was my cheerleader (she'd hate that I called her that) and confidant.  She taught me about understanding and openness.  She taught me to laugh at myself and to not take myself too seriously.  She'd be really unhappy to see the state of our school and the way that our staff is treating each other.  She'd have plenty to say about all the mandates and new initiatives in place.

I'd like to think she'd be thrilled for our colleagues who've found love and have a baby on the way.  I'd like to think that she'd be proud of the choices I've made.  I hope she's cheering us on in our quest to become parents. 

I still wish I would have done more five years ago, but have finally come to terms that there was nothing more I could do.  Losing her opened my eyes to so much and for that I am grateful, even if I miss her spirit and energy in my life.

In honor of her memory, I'm going to make sure to tell those I care about just how much they mean to me.... and challenge you to do the same.  You never know when just one simple card, or word of encouragement can make all the difference in the world to someone.

You are missed, Wilson.  

Teetering

I am loving the fact that I get a tiny bit of sunlight now on my way into work.  I am not loving the fact that there is now a very tiny bit of sunlight on my way home- and only if I leave right at the bell.  I love the changing seasons, but the lack of sunlight definitely makes me a little cranky!  Hoping with the new position I can make a point of getting some sunlight- even if just through a window at lunch every day.

I've had lots of time to process everything on the adoption front and I am still not feeling "settled."  I have all sorts of things that I am going to have to work out in my head... and thus here on the blog in the coming months should we move forward with this situation.  I am hoping that those of you who have paved this road will be able to help me along the way.  In so many ways, I feel like I did all those years ago when we first walked into our first IVF class.  I was so full of hope and had no idea what the next few months were going to hold.  And then the fear grips me- I remember the pain and despair I felt when that first IVF didn't work.   How can I really be thinking about putting myself out there?  Oh, how I wish I had those rose colored glasses again.  This isn't the "fairytale" adoption I imagined for us.  But let's be honest, we lost all shot at a fairy tale a few years ago!

I literally feel like I am teetering in two worlds right now.  There's the one full of light and hope where I day dream about actually setting up the nursery in the guest room and imagining what it will be like to finally hold a precious new life in my arms.  Then there's the scary dark place where I see all the red flags and have already started mentally preparing me for a last minute change of heart with the expectant mother and have lost more time wandering in our path to become parents.  I know that Chris is feeling the same way, and he actually told me yesterday that he worries about how he would handle things if we spent the next few months supporting M and then she chose not to place with us.  He's been my rock through so much and hearing how scared he is about it all makes my heart ache even more.

I know we have to put ourselves out there.  Chris continues to be the main contact for M and she texts and talks to him almost daily.  We've moved forward with getting the agency involved and have decided that if M's meeting with the expectant mother social worker from the agency goes well, we will move forward and commit.  If the meeting goes poorly, or if we feel that M will still waver with her requests being on the legal side of things, then we have decided it will be our time to walk away.  We're working on getting all of the logistics in place... most of all getting our expectant mother fee to our agency.

As we move forward, we have a new push to supplement our income with my card making endeavor.  Please share the link to our etsy shop with all you know... The holidays are just around the corner! 

PB Creations

Please keep positive thoughts coming our way.  Hoping to continue to have more sense of peace as we move forward this week!

Afternoon Tea

We're still in a little limbo with the adoption situation.  Our attorney came down with the flu, so we haven't had a chance to talk with her about it all.  Hopefully we'll have some insight after talking to her tomorrow... But for now, let me share about my adventure yesterday.

I've written about my good friends Bridget and Jamie several times, and recently wrote a post all about them.  These girls are my rock in so many ways, so I was thrilled to get the chance to be part of Bridget's birthday surprise along with Jamie.  Bridget's husband arranged the entire thing, and it was such an honor to be included.

Jamie and I headed into the city on the train and enjoyed some great conversation along the way.  We had plenty of time to get to our destination, so we decided to walk from the train station.  We took the very scenic route, but had the chance to see parts of the city we hadn't seen in awhile.  We managed to stay out of the shady parts for the most part.  :)  My legs and ankles are pretty sore still today, though.  I wasn't wearing walking shoes since we were heading to a nice location!

We arrived at The Drake Hotel on Michigan Avenue in plenty of time to look around and take in the sights of the lobby.  Jamie ended up running into one of her daughter's friends who was also there for afternoon tea.  Bridget arrived shortly after we did, and almost didn't notice us in the lobby.  We had asked her what she was doing for the weekend, and she had no idea we were in on the secret.  She was brought to the tea by one of her friends from college, and her best friend since high school joined us as well.

It was quite a lovely time.  There is a harp player and beautiful flowers everywhere. There weren't many men in the restaurant... at least that weren't working.  We had our choice of about 30 different teas and each chose a different one.  They delivered a tower of treats with mini sandwiches, scones, and delicious little deserts.  I think my favorite was the banana bread.  It was amazing with the clotted cream (which I had no idea was as divine as it is!)

It was such a girly afternoon.  We laughed and of course had some inappropriate jokes along the way.  We enjoyed the ambiance and the company.  It was so fun to see Bridget so utterly surprised and truly loving every moment of the time we had together.  This was something she had mentioned in passing to her husband about wanting to do, and he ran with it.  I can't say that it was even on my radar to do, but I am so glad I had the experience and look forward to doing it again with friends in the future. 

Here are the girls at the table... it's not a great photo, but I love that it shows the ambiance of it all!

The Birthday girl in awe of the tower of treats

The remnants of the tower... and I am pretty sure we finished off most of what you see here!

Assume the Good

My new life motto seems to be developing into something along the lines of "assume the good"

I'm trying to focus on the good, and focus on the belief that people come from a place of good.  I'm trying to focus on the positives in people, rather than the negatives that are so easy to spot.  I'm trying to believe that everything has good within.  I'm trying to see the good in a situation, even when all I want to do is kick and scream.

Notice that I am saying try.  This is something that is really hard for me. We've been through so much, and the current limbo is no different. 

I can't focus on the negative.  There's just too much negative in the world right now.  There's so much negativity being thrown out in the current political campaign season.  Teachers are being scrutinized and the morale in most public schools is at an all time low.  My school is no different.  There's negativity all around, and as a society we are quick to assume the worst in others. 

Chris and I have a long time debate on whether I am a "pessimist" or a "realist."  I like the latter of those- but now I am really trying to shift even further into the land of optimism.  I want to not only assume the good in others... but I want to be a positive force in the world around me. 

So that is where I am trying so very hard to shift my life.  I'm going to assume the good. And I might get stung in the process, but that will only allow me to grow. 

the highs and the LOWs

It's been another day on the roller coaster.  And I despise roller coasters.

Chris got a text from M today with a photo of her daughter and telling us how much she really liked us and wanted to move forward with us.  We were feeling pretty excited and starting to really think that things might really finally be falling into place.  She hadn't had a cell phone before today, and was excited to be able to contact us this way.  We left her our cell numbers when we met on Tuesday so that she could directly talk with us.  It felt like the right thing to do...

I knew our attorney was going to try to talk with her today to lay out some of the financial aspects and outline what is allowable under IL law.  While IL law is pretty liberal and there is no real cap, there are limits.  And there are limits to what Chris and I are comfortable with paying.  We can provide for a child, but we don't have excessive amounts of disposable income.  (Wouldn't life be so much easier if we all did?!)

Let's just say that the phone call with our attorney didn't go well and that I got a call from M furious with what our attorney told her.  I explained that we are at the "mercy" of our attorney to protect us all and make sure we are following what the law says.  I told her I don't know all of the intricacies of the law, but that I would talk to my attorney and get back to M.  She did tell me many times how much she really likes us, and that we are the nicest people she has ever met.

I spoke to our attorney and she feels that what M is looking for in expenses is way beyond what Chris and I are capable (or willing) to provide.  M is also unrealistic in her expectations.  It has become clear that M is focused on the financial aspect of this adoption.  While in our hearts, we really feel that she is being given lots of misinformation from those around her, we know that this may not be the right situation for us.

We have decided that Chris will call and talk with her tomorrow.  M seems to do better when talking to him.  We are going to put all of our "cards" on the table and share that we would love to work with her and enjoyed meeting her.  However, we will only be able to provide the support outlined under  the law and with what we are comfortable with.  We know that might very well mean that we are walking away from this situation. 

I've had the knock down temper tantrum tonight.  I'm sad.  I'm mad.  Just once, I'd like the universe to humor us and allow us a nice smooth scenic train ride.  Nope... we're on the roller coaster.

It's not over just yet, but my hope is waning.

Limbo induced anxiety

I'm feeling very anxious.  There isn't anything in particular.  I think the events of the past few days are just starting to sink in.  I'm feeling pretty distracted and almost feel like my thoughts are vibrating.  I feel like I could burst into tears at any moment.   I am keeping at all together on the outside, and least I think I am.  :)  I just can't imagine feeling like this for the next several months!

We haven't talked to our attorney today.  I texted her earlier this afternoon and she replied that she hadn't been able to get in contact with the expectant mom, M.  It could be that M just doesn't know our attorney's number and didn't pick up.  I am not going to stress about it.  (ok, maybe there's a little in that first paragraph that says differently)  Chris has said he will call M tomorrow and let her know what our attorney's number is in the hopes that she will pick up.

It's no secret that I am not a fan of limbo land.  And once again I find myself in just such a state.  And in all reality, will be in this limbo of one sort or another until we finally have a child in our arms.  I suppose I need to come to terms with it.  And let's face it- I've been in limbo land for more than a decade.  I just want to know that it will all be worth it in the end- all the pain, all the heartache, all the limbo when we finally become parents.

For those of you who've survived the wait and limbo- any words of advice? 

Please keep positive thoughts coming our way.

Alive and Well :)

I am happy to report that Chris and I are alive and well. 

The meeting today went very well.  The entire process is so surreal, and there's just no way to prepare for it.  We brought some lunch as well as some cookies from my favorite bakery.  We also left a copy of our photo book for her with our direct contact info included.  We spent most of the time talking and there weren't any really lulls in conversation.  She has an adorable 6 month old daughter that both Chris and I held and played with. 

She gave us a DVD of photos from her last u/s to bring home and look at.  We were able to open them up on our laptop on our way home and saw a beautiful baby with identifying information that gave us some confirmation of her pregnancy.  We'll still want to get official confirmation from her OB before we move forward, but we are felling much better after talking with her.  The u/s confirms how far along she told us she is, but doesn't match the due date.  We think we know where that confusion is coming from. 

There are still some underlying questions about the amount of financial support she is hoping to get and what is allowable under the law.  We were honest with her that we will only support her under the laws of our state but also said that our attorney is the expert on all of that and will be the one to talk with her about the specifics of the law.

She did ask some questions about us, and we did share about our infertility and the fact that I have had several miscarriages in the past few years.  I did feel like she made a connection to us, and I do feel that this could be a good match.  There's just some details that will need to unfold.

When we left she asked what the next step would be.  She had contacted other couples, but they all emailed rather than called.  She doesn't have regular access to email, so I am glad we made the leap to call!  She spoke with some of the local agencies, and didn't like what they had to tell her.  We did share that in order for us to go forward, we will be working with our agency and that they will assign her a social worker to work with her.  We feel strongly that counseling must be part of the process, and in order to receive financial support in IL, you really need to be working with an agency. 

So... our attorney will speak with her tomorrow.  If it looks like she wants to proceed with us, we will contact the agency and pay our expectant mother fee to them to get the ball rolling.  We haven't involved the agency just yet as we didn't want to pay the fee and then end up not using them.  We might have to start some serious fundraising efforts to cover the living expenses and costs, but if that is what it takes, we will make it work. 

Feeling hopeful but guarded tonight.  My heart has already fallen in love, but my head is staying strong.  Thank you for all the love and support... please keep it coming!

First Meeting Tuesday

Thank you for all of your comments on my last post.  We're in a little bit of a holding pattern for a few days.  We weren't able to get something scheduled for this weekend.  Chris wasn't able to get a hold of her until yesterday.  She was a little confused when Chris talked to her and couldn't remember when she had last talked to him.  Trying hard not to focus on the red flags, but also being very cautious. 

She agreed for us to come out to meet her on Tuesday afternoon.  My week is crazy busy with work, but Tuesday was the lightest day for me.  She asked that we come directly to her house and gave us her address.  This makes me a little nervous, but also shows that she isn't shy in giving us information about herself.  I would have really preferred to meet at a neutral location, but she told Chris she doesn't have a car and would rather not pack up her baby to go out.  (She also has a 6 month old daughter...)  I have a call in to our attorney to get some guidance, but for now we are set to go.

We are hoping that once we talk with her in person, we will get a better feel as to where she is coming from and if she is willing to work with us under the guidelines we are comfortable with.  Both our attorney and Chris got the feeling that she is very committed to an adoption plan.  She didn't mention anything about financial support to Chris when he talked to her yesterday.  I am also thinking about having our attorney talk with her and lay out the legal aspects, etc before we meet with her on Tuesday if possible. I'd rather have all of the financial discussion come from our attorney and we can have discussions about everything else.  

So- for anyone out there who has done this before... any words of wisdom?  Things you wish you knew before your first meeting?  And then there's the big question... what do I wear?!  :)  Would you take flowers?  a small gift for her daughter?  We'll take a copy of our photo book for her to keep.

Worst case?  We are out the gas to drive to see her and the time.  Hoping that we are able to have a better sense of whether or not she is really making an adoption plan for reasons we are comfortable with and if we can see ourselves having a relationship with her for the next several months and beyond.

(Ok, there's a little tiny part of me that is afraid that you will all read about us on the news after we are chopped into little bits and buried in the backyard... )  In all seriousness, I am nervous and excited.  Not sure how I am going to get any work done between now and then!

Keep the good strong thoughts coming!

Holding my Heart

My heart is quite literally in my throat right now.  We're hoping to meet with an expectant mom tomorrow.  There are so many things that are right about this situation.  Just one of those is the fact she is located in our home state within a few hours.  We wouldn't have to deal with ICPC and the added expenses of an out of state placement.

However, there are lots of red flags.  Lots of things that just don't feel quite right.  The mom is very focused on the financial support she'd like to get from us.  She has some VERY unusual requests- in fact our attorney has never had such requests in all her 20+ years as an adoption attorney.  She didn't really ask any questions about Chris and I and was more into "selling" us on herself.  My biggest concern is that she isn't looking to adoption for the right reasons, and is hoping to make some financial gains rather than find a family to raise her child.

She found our information through the internet and contacted our attorney through our 888 number.  My attorney spoke to her at length and then passed on her information to me.  I called her and had a similiar conversation to that my attorney had.  Chris spoke to her today, and she didn't mention anything about financial support to him at all.  He was supposed to reiterate what both the attorney and I told her- that we will support her financially in any way legally allowable under Illinois law.  He never got a chance, as money ever came up in the conversation.

We both feel VERY strongly that we will will only work within the law and ethical guidelines for our adoption, however that comes to be.  Our attorney has been great in guiding us and also has very high ethics, which is why we chose her.  We know that should this expectant mom decide that she won't budge on her demands, there are people out there that don't necessarily have the same level of ethics that we do.

After talking with our attorney, we are planning to try to meet with her this weekend in person.  Chris feels strongly that he will get a better read when talking to her in person.  There are some inconsistencies in what she has told us her due date is and how many weeks along she says she is.  She also told Chris today that she wants a completely closed adoption and doesn't understand why we would even tell our child they were adopted.  This doesn't sit well with us, and is something we'd need to explore further. 

I'm trying to believe that she is coming from a place of good and that we won't get scammed.  My heart is so fragile after all we've been through that I just have to hold it tight.   We have some big decisions to make about if and how to move forward with this possible situation.  If anyone has words of wisdom for us, please share or feel free to email us.  

Please keep us in your thoughts!  This is a first for us... meeting someone in person.  What a strange experience in the best of cases.  I'm hoping to do a little research tonight on how to best prepare for our meeting should it happen. And I'm going to hold my heart just a little harder.

  

Love these girls....

It's not a great photo, but I had to share.  These two girls have been my ROCK at work for the past several years.  They have stood by me with every joy and sorrow we've experienced in our quest to become parents.  They protected me after the failed adoption all those years ago when the grandmother brought the baby to school for a visit.  They held my hands as I miscarried during an inservice two years ago.  They've both experienced their own challenges, and I hope I've been able to give them even a tiny fraction of what they've given me in terms of support. 

We also spend lots of time laughing.  These girls can make me laugh like nobody else.  And to hear their laughter just makes my soul smile.  We have had some interesting discussions over the years on serious topics as well as some very silly ones. We have some pretty crazy stories about adventures we've had together.  

I don't get to see them every day like in years past with my new job.  I miss these girls like crazy on the days that I am not in the middle school. We do have a standing lunch date each and every Friday.  I spend Friday morning at the other school, and they text me their lunch order.  I pick it up on my way back to the middle school and we get to spend a glorious 20-30 minutes together each week.  Sure, there are other points that we talk but it's a guarantee that we'll get to spend that time together on Fridays.

This photo was taken last Friday.  Jamie (in the center) is the beautiful mother of the bride in this photo.  Her daughter, Polly married her high school sweetheart at a very special ceremony.  My heart aches for Jamie as she lost the love of her life and father of her girls way too soon.  She is always full of so much grace, and the wedding was no different.  She has raised three beautiful daughters on her own for the past 8 years.  Each of these women have found their own prince charming and will all be married by the end of next year.  (Yep, three weddings in 15 months!  She's a saint!)  I am so blessed to have her in my life for so many reasons, but I am so thankful for her guidance and support as a wife and future mother.  I hope to one day be even half the mother she is!

Bridget (on the left) is also the mother to a beautiful little girl who Jamie and I love to spoil.  I am so in awe of her down to earth parenting style, and have learned so much from watching her grow into the mother she is today.  Her daughter is a spunky three year old who keeps her mom and dad on their toes.  I love spending time with their family and can't wait for her to be a part of my child's life. 

I am blessed.  I am working to focus on all of the blessings in my life rather than the ache I feel in my heart for the child who has yet to find their way to us.  I have so many thoughts swirling in my head about our adoption wait.  But for today, I am going to sit back and remember just how blessed I am to have these amazing, loving, talented, inspiring women in my life.  Please take a moment to think about the women who are blessings in your life today... and tell them just how much they mean to you!

Hello October!

Whew... it's once again been too long since I last posted here.  Life got a little bit hectic for a little while!  I think I am finally settling into the craziness and getting a handle on it all.  Grad school is making me a little crazy as the work load varies from week to week making it really hard to plan out my time.  Chris is at his first swim meet of the season today, which means I have the weekend all to myself.  I've settled into my new role, and really feeling good about it.  I had some family drama explode earlier in the week, but I've reiterated my decisions there and am able to move on.  I literally felt like I could breathe again this morning for the first time in several weeks!

Now that the busyness is settling, I am starting to feel the familiar frustration with our adoption efforts.  It's now been more than a year since we went fully active with our marketing, and my heart is heavy.  I really hoped that we would be matched and maybe even parenting before the end of 2012.  I am starting to lose hope that 2012 will be our year.  I find myself wondering why others have "passed us by" as they are matched and even adopting a second child all in the time we've been waiting.  I know in my head and heart that the right match is out there for us, but it doesn't make the sting hurt less.  After years of being the last one standing in the infertility world, I had hoped so deeply that wouldn't be our fate in the adoption world.

While I know the path we have chosen can take longer, I had really hoped we would beat the odds.  We don't have the unlimited resources to use the agencies in our area, or even at the national level at that.  We've spent the money as we can, and that is all we can do.  It's so very frustrating to have finances once again play a role in keeping us from our dreams coming true.  We live comfortably and can provide for a child, we just don't have the large lump sum of money that many agencies require.  So, we wait.  And we hope that our efforts will bring us to the right woman and the right time and we will be the right match for her family.

If you'd like to help us get the word out, please feel free to share one of the following links on your blog, your facebook page, or wherever.  You can also grab our button from the top left corner of this blog.

YouTube Video Profile: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WfSB6pSXP74
Vimeo Video Profile:  https://vimeo.com/45395474
Website:  www.chrisandpatience.com
Adoptimist Profile: https://www.adoptimist.com/adoption-parent-profile/282
Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Chris-Patience-Hope-to-Adopt/188721014507827?ref=hl

As much as my heart is heavy as we near the end of 2012 with empty arms, it is also so full of joy for the amazing life we do have.  We are blessed to have good friends that love and support us in everything we do.  We both have careers that allow us to make a positive impact in the world.  I am married to my best friend in the whole world who has shown me once again this week just how lucky I am to share my life with him.  We have a good life.  And when the time comes for us to finally become parents, a child will only make our life even more full.

I leave you with a photo of Chris and our very best friends John and Miriam at their first Marathon.  Chris was so excited to be a spectator at a marathon for the first time after always being the runner.  We were able to support them all along the race, and Chris even ran the last few miles with them.  It was a wonderful experience and reminded us just how lucky we are to share our lives with people like John & Miriam.  (And it made Chris want to run this marathon next year himself... that will be number 4!)

Goodbye September

Whew... it's been a few weeks since I last updated here.  September has kicked my butt!

Things are going pretty well at work.  The principal at the elementary school that I am at 1 1/2 days a week pretty much hates me, but that's another story all together.  Thankfully I share that school with the other Tech Integration Specialist, and we both know just how crazy this woman is.  My direct supervisor is very supportive and the principal at the middle school is 110% in my court.  So, I am dealing with the little bit of crazy.  The teachers at the elementary school are also very supportive and are excited about having me there.  So, all in all, the job is going well.  I am SO happy that I moved into this position this year!

Grad school started up last weekend.  It's hard to get back into the balance of having to manage homework and class with the rest of my life.  The other TIS is taking the program with me, and we were fortunate to get into a group with two other like minded individuals.  Most of the program is online, but it is also mostly group work.  So, it has been a challenge to set up meeting times online but so far we have worked together very well.  I need to write a paper this morning as soon as I am done writing this post.  (Hey, I figured a blog post was a good writing warm up for a paper, right?!)  I was a little discouraged that there is a WIDE variety of tech skills in the group- which surprised me since this is a masters in Technology?!  It's a cohort so we'll all be together for the next 14 months.  It will be interesting for sure!

The biggest challenge in life right now is my teeth.... Let me explain. 

As a child, I had an orthodontist make a bad decision about my treatment.  My parents agreed because they just didn't know any different and trusted the expert.  I ended up losing adult teeth after the braces came off and had to have extensive work done in my late teens.  I had several root canals and finally had to have two bridges placed in the front of my mouth.  It was excruciating and traumatic.  I was told the bridges would only last 10 years and then I would probably need a full reconstruction of the top of my mouth. 

Fast forward to my adult hood... and I have avoided the dentist for decades.  It was such a traumatic experience that I have developed an EXTREME phobia.  The bridges had started to decay and become loose.  But I dealt with it, because going to the dentist was so much more intimidating.  On Friday, I bit into a sandwich and evidently swallowed one of the bridges.  My dear friends and coworkers searched through my lunch and the garbage to see if it could be recovered, but it was never found.  I had what I am sure is close to a full on panic attack.  My amazing friend Jamie called a dentist for me and even went with me to hold my hand (or leg) while I faced one of my deepest fears.  There were lots of tears and I can't even imagine what my blood pressure ended up!

After several hours, the dentist was able to come up with a temporary solution that allows me to have teeth for now.  I have lost basically all of the teeth on the top of my mouth as a result of the bridges.  He was caring and gentle and dealt with my crazy anxiety.  He even stayed late to create this piece of art that I now have in my mouth.  It is VERY temporary and I now have to jump into the restoration process with both feet.  I am REALLY not excited about this option, but feeling better now that I have walked into a dentist office and sat in the chair. 

I am in some pain this morning, but know that it will be worth it in the end.  I have to call and make an appointment with him early this week for a full exam and then he feels he will need to consult with some experts about the right course of action going forward.  There is a great deal of damage and it is going to be a tough process.  I HATE that we are going to have to spend money on this now with our adoption expenses still pending.  But I know that I HAVE to do this now. 

You would think that after several surgeries on my reproductive system the dentist wouldn't scare me... but I think it is just one more case of being out of control and having the horrible experiences in my childhood.  Please keep some good thoughts coming my way as I jump into this with both feet.

Here is my current smile thanks to the dentist's artistry...

Let's hope that it looks as good when he is all done with the permanent solution!

Adoption Cards

Thank you for all of your sweet comments on my last post.  I can't even begin to express how much each and every one of them meant to me. I don't really know how I would be able to be half as strong as I am if it weren't for all of the support I get here.  Thank you, thank you, thank you....

I need to ask for a little more help.  We only had one call on our adoption line last month.  I need to get a little more aggressive with our marketing this month.  I need to feel like I am doing something.  As I've mentioned before, we have adoption "business" cards.  (Man, I hate that term, but I don't know what else to call them and get the point across).  I am wondering if any of you would be willing to take a few of these cards and pass them on to people who might be able to connect us to a woman who might just want to make an adoption plan.  They could be passed on to pediatricians, OBs, clergy, social service agencies, and posted on community bulletin boards. 

If you are interested in helping us get the word out there in your part of the world, could you please send me your mailing information to puzzleblog (at) me (dot) com? 

We're going to be adding a goo.gle ad campaign this month as well as go back to print ads across the country.  We've got our faceb.ook page and our adopt.imist profile.  I am working on writing a letter to local OB offices with our information.  I am even going to "use" my pregnant coworkers and have them take the information to their OBs. 

We're also open to any ideas you all have about getting the word out there.  We just can't afford the $30K to work with an agency- especially now that we've been on the do it yourself plan and spent our monthly adoption "allowance" each month on marketing. 

I have to turn this grief into action... and hopefully that will end up with us finally getting our happy ending in 2012.

The should have baby

It's been some time since I thought about the pregnancy we lost in February.  The pain is so raw and deep at first with a miscarriage but time does have a way of making the pain fade.  It's always there and it becomes part of who you are, but it isn't in your face like it is in those first few days.  But there are moments when it comes back with that same intensity that you first felt- be it weeks, months, or even years later. 

Today I had one of those moments.  Our good friends had their fourth baby today.  She is a healthy addition to their family.  I found myself drawn to FB waiting to hear that the baby had made her arrival.  I knew our friend was having a c-section today and that their newest little one would come into this world at some point today.  I couldn't figure out why I was so drawn to this birthday.  And then I remembered.... Jen found out she was pregnant when we did.  They waited to tell us until after the D&C.  That sounds worse than it really was- they wanted to be sensitive to what we were going through but knew it was going to be out there and wanted us to know.  I found out while I was in North Carolina during spring break, so it wasn't right after our D&C.

But here's the realization I had today.  We should have had our baby by now.  The baby that we could have brought into this world if I hadn't had the third miscarriage.  I don't know what the exact due date would have been, but it would have been before now.  With the first miscarriage, I was very in tune with it all and thought about it often.  With the second miscarriage, I never had the sense of hope that there could have been a happy ending.  The third was so much of a surprise from the start with tiny bursts of hope thrown in.  I think that's why this date has hit me like this... it's like a little bubble burst and I had the realization that we should have also been having the experience of becoming parents through the miracle of birth.

I think it also hit me today- I mean really hit home- that we will never experience going to the hospital to give birth.  We'll never know what that experience is like.  We'll never pack a hospital bag and have a plan to tell those we love that we've welcomed life into this world.   We'll never go through that "right of passage" that is such a part of becoming an adult.  And I don't know how I will ever come to terms with that realization. 

Our life is full, and I am so lucky to share my life with a man who makes my every breath matter.  I am so lucky to have a marriage built on memories of growing up together.  My marriage is stronger despite as a result of 12 years of infertility and loss.  We are happy and most of my days are full of joy and laughter.  It the joy that keeps me moving forward.  And that's all I can do. 

Three

Did anyone else grow up hearing that things happen in threes?  I grew up hearing that death, major events, and births happen in threes.  Interestingly, that is usually the case. 

You know where this is going, right?

I now have three coworkers that are pregnant and all due within a month of each other.  The third teacher came to me today.  She happens to be a good friend and one of the teachers I share a room with in my new role.  She was afraid to tell me... just as every person close to me has been.  She also knows of our struggle, and like my other close friend, started "trying" right away because she knew that it could take time.  She and my other friend were married a day apart... in June... June 2012.  Which means they BOTH got pregnant the first month they tried following getting married.  I spent the early summer working on things for their weddings. 

The other coworker is expecting her second child.  She has a two year old already.  She suffers from PCOS, but is one of the lucky ones I guess...  But it's the other two that are weighing heavily on my heart tonight.

I wonder if there will ever be a time that my heart doesn't break with a pregnancy announcement.  I think these sting a little more because they both started trying right away because of my struggle- knowing that it doesn't work for some people.  Yet, they both got very lucky.  They both know just how lucky they are, and for that I am grateful.  They both shared with me how much they treasure the gift that they have been given.  And they both get it... at least for now.  Talk to me in a few months when they are both showing and it might be another story all together.

I can't help but have a little pity party tonight.  We're still waiting.  We're still hoping.  We're trying to live each day and believe that in the end all of this will be worth it.  My heart is breaking tonight.  I just don't understand why we have to watch all of those around us become parents while we want nothing more than to have the chance.  While I know that all of this is not related, but part of me has to wonder why these other women (who are amazing people and will be amazing mothers) have been given the gift that I so desperately yearn for.  Why aren't I good enough to become a mom?  Why can't my body carry a pregnancy?  Why can't a woman choose us to become the parents to her child? 

You would think that after all these years it would get easier.  In some ways it is easier- I was able to smile and ask all the right questions when my coworker told me today.  She knew the story of the coworker who did it all wrong- and wanted to make sure I knew long before it was out.  I was able to keep it together and not shed a tear at work until I had a private moment to call Chris.  So I suppose in some ways it is easier- or maybe I just have developed an armor. 

Of course today is CD#1... and it is a doozy- heavy and crampy.  I really just wanted to curl up into a ball today.  But I survived a full day of work and made it home in one piece. That's probably the bottom line... I am a survivor. 

Fall Whirlwind

Whew... can't believe it's already September 9th!  Where did the last few weeks go?  Oh-- the start of a new school year, that's right!

The new job is going well.  Not nearly as stress free as Chris had hoped it would be for me.  It's been hard to accept that there is LOTS I don't know and that I am dependent on others to give me the info I need to do my job.  There have been some egos that have emerged that have caused some stress too.  It seems that there are a few of my colleagues that are a little threatened by my new role.  I'm spending more time walking around trying not to step on toes than I would like.  Hoping that has all come to a head now and that we can move forward. 

The start of a new school year is always intense, and I am really tired.  I had to do trainings after school every day last week and literally crashed when I got home at 8 on Friday night.  I always seem to forget how hard it is to readjust to the start of school each year.  However, I wouldn't trade summers off for anything!

In adoption news, we were presented to another woman recently who was due in a short time.  Sadly, she stopped returning our attorney's calls and we aren't even sure if she has had her child.  Its hard to believe we've almost been a waiting family for a year now, and we are still in the hoping phase.  I am still holding out hope that we will be matched before the end of year year, but I know that as each day passes that becomes less and less of a reality.  We're getting calls and we're being profiled- we're just not being chosen.  We're really doing all we can right now, but might consider running a google ad campaign after the 15th. 

In other news, it appears my blood pressure is now an issue.  I've been watching it on and off since my college days, but now it seems to be an official issue.  After talking to my primary care doctor, she feels that I need to go on low dose medication. My cholesterol has also decided to become elevated.  My blood sugar is also starting to creep up,  but she is going to leave me at my current dosage of met.formin for now.  I feel like I've aged 20 years in a few weeks!  I did ask to get a referral to a dietician to help me come up with a plan now that I need to manage both my carbs/sugars and the fats/proteins.  I also know that I need to become active again and hopefully I can get into a routine of good eating and regular exercise again. 

We did have a great summer full of concerts with friends.  Our final concert of the year is our annual Jimmy B.uffett adventure.  We enjoy tailgating and taking in all the sights.  Here is a photo of the group before the concert...

What a difference this summer was compared to last.  Feeling so much more refreshed this year and ready to take on whatever the fall has in store for us.  Hoping and wishing and dreaming that there will be a little one in our lives before the end of the fall....

Hope you are all having a great start to your fall.  Now that I am getting settled in to my routines, I am hoping to have more time to read and comment on your blogs!

Have a great Sunday!