There simply aren't words to express how full my heart is from all of the kindness that has been showered on me from all of you. The orders from my etsy shop and the donations to our good wishes page have seriously made me cry tears of gratitude. I am so thankful for each and every one of you who have taken the time to support us in this way. We still have a long way to go in terms of meeting the financial obligations related to this adoption plan, but we are getting closer each and every day. We are fortunate to have friends who have offered to help us with some of the large costs up front while we continue to fund raise.
It's been another exhausting week working to get everything thing in place for M. She has connected with Chris and has been texting him daily. I am forever grateful that he has such a calm and charismatic personality and is able to work with M. We feel strongly that we are meant to be in M's life- not just in terms of the adoption, but also to help support her and make an impact in her life. It is not going to be an easy four months, but we knew that when we agreed to the match.
I took a few more leaps this week. I told my boss and got the necessary paperwork to apply for FMLA. I haven't filled any of it out- that leap will have to wait for another day. :) Chris shared the news with the Parent Board of our swim team. We've slowly shared the news with those closest to us, and even some outside of our inner circle. I might have even started to pin some ideas for a potential nursery.
My heart is so full of gratitude and hope, but yet I find myself struggling. Chris and I had a rough evening last night, and it really was my fault. I was in such a foul mood and I found myself in tears over really stupid stuff. I am super emotional right now. I couldn't figure it out what the heck was wrong with me- why aren't I on cloud nine?
And then it hit me.
I am terrified.
Hope scares the crap out of me. We're closer to our dream of parenting than we have ever been. While there always going to be questions and the chance we will end up with empty arms, there is no reason to believe that will be the case. So why can't I let go? I want to let go of all the loss and heartache of the past and be able to truly embrace and enjoy the role of potential adoptive parent. I want to be able to consider the notion of setting up a nursery. I want to be able to accept the excitement of those we love when we tell them about the adoption without tempering their excitement with all of the cautionary tales of what could go wrong.
One of my closest friends and I were talking about all of this. She shared that she envisions my heart as being made of glass- and that I am just trying hard to protect it. It's really not that I feel that there are reservations about M placing. It's just the idea in general- that we might actually really end up with our precious tiny miracle. I'm just so damn scared to put my heart all the way into this. I'm putting on a good face with those around me, but inside I am terrified.
I need to find a way to get over this. We can't do this for the next four months. So- any words of wisdom you can provide?
And again... thank you for filling my heart with so much gratitude with your love and support. That glass heart of mine is bursting with all of the love you've shared with me. I just need to find some steel to go around it! I really couldn't imagine getting through all of this without all of you.
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Teetering
I am loving the fact that I get a tiny bit of sunlight now on my way into work. I am not loving the fact that there is now a very tiny bit of sunlight on my way home- and only if I leave right at the bell. I love the changing seasons, but the lack of sunlight definitely makes me a little cranky! Hoping with the new position I can make a point of getting some sunlight- even if just through a window at lunch every day.
I've had lots of time to process everything on the adoption front and I am still not feeling "settled." I have all sorts of things that I am going to have to work out in my head... and thus here on the blog in the coming months should we move forward with this situation. I am hoping that those of you who have paved this road will be able to help me along the way. In so many ways, I feel like I did all those years ago when we first walked into our first IVF class. I was so full of hope and had no idea what the next few months were going to hold. And then the fear grips me- I remember the pain and despair I felt when that first IVF didn't work. How can I really be thinking about putting myself out there? Oh, how I wish I had those rose colored glasses again. This isn't the "fairytale" adoption I imagined for us. But let's be honest, we lost all shot at a fairy tale a few years ago!
I literally feel like I am teetering in two worlds right now. There's the one full of light and hope where I day dream about actually setting up the nursery in the guest room and imagining what it will be like to finally hold a precious new life in my arms. Then there's the scary dark place where I see all the red flags and have already started mentally preparing me for a last minute change of heart with the expectant mother and have lost more time wandering in our path to become parents. I know that Chris is feeling the same way, and he actually told me yesterday that he worries about how he would handle things if we spent the next few months supporting M and then she chose not to place with us. He's been my rock through so much and hearing how scared he is about it all makes my heart ache even more.
I know we have to put ourselves out there. Chris continues to be the main contact for M and she texts and talks to him almost daily. We've moved forward with getting the agency involved and have decided that if M's meeting with the expectant mother social worker from the agency goes well, we will move forward and commit. If the meeting goes poorly, or if we feel that M will still waver with her requests being on the legal side of things, then we have decided it will be our time to walk away. We're working on getting all of the logistics in place... most of all getting our expectant mother fee to our agency.
As we move forward, we have a new push to supplement our income with my card making endeavor. Please share the link to our etsy shop with all you know... The holidays are just around the corner!
Please keep positive thoughts coming our way. Hoping to continue to have more sense of peace as we move forward this week!
I've had lots of time to process everything on the adoption front and I am still not feeling "settled." I have all sorts of things that I am going to have to work out in my head... and thus here on the blog in the coming months should we move forward with this situation. I am hoping that those of you who have paved this road will be able to help me along the way. In so many ways, I feel like I did all those years ago when we first walked into our first IVF class. I was so full of hope and had no idea what the next few months were going to hold. And then the fear grips me- I remember the pain and despair I felt when that first IVF didn't work. How can I really be thinking about putting myself out there? Oh, how I wish I had those rose colored glasses again. This isn't the "fairytale" adoption I imagined for us. But let's be honest, we lost all shot at a fairy tale a few years ago!
I literally feel like I am teetering in two worlds right now. There's the one full of light and hope where I day dream about actually setting up the nursery in the guest room and imagining what it will be like to finally hold a precious new life in my arms. Then there's the scary dark place where I see all the red flags and have already started mentally preparing me for a last minute change of heart with the expectant mother and have lost more time wandering in our path to become parents. I know that Chris is feeling the same way, and he actually told me yesterday that he worries about how he would handle things if we spent the next few months supporting M and then she chose not to place with us. He's been my rock through so much and hearing how scared he is about it all makes my heart ache even more.
I know we have to put ourselves out there. Chris continues to be the main contact for M and she texts and talks to him almost daily. We've moved forward with getting the agency involved and have decided that if M's meeting with the expectant mother social worker from the agency goes well, we will move forward and commit. If the meeting goes poorly, or if we feel that M will still waver with her requests being on the legal side of things, then we have decided it will be our time to walk away. We're working on getting all of the logistics in place... most of all getting our expectant mother fee to our agency.
As we move forward, we have a new push to supplement our income with my card making endeavor. Please share the link to our etsy shop with all you know... The holidays are just around the corner!
Please keep positive thoughts coming our way. Hoping to continue to have more sense of peace as we move forward this week!
Friday, October 26, 2012
Holding my Heart
My heart is quite literally in my throat right now. We're hoping to meet with an expectant mom tomorrow. There are so many things that are right about this situation. Just one of those is the fact she is located in our home state within a few hours. We wouldn't have to deal with ICPC and the added expenses of an out of state placement.
However, there are lots of red flags. Lots of things that just don't feel quite right. The mom is very focused on the financial support she'd like to get from us. She has some VERY unusual requests- in fact our attorney has never had such requests in all her 20+ years as an adoption attorney. She didn't really ask any questions about Chris and I and was more into "selling" us on herself. My biggest concern is that she isn't looking to adoption for the right reasons, and is hoping to make some financial gains rather than find a family to raise her child.
She found our information through the internet and contacted our attorney through our 888 number. My attorney spoke to her at length and then passed on her information to me. I called her and had a similiar conversation to that my attorney had. Chris spoke to her today, and she didn't mention anything about financial support to him at all. He was supposed to reiterate what both the attorney and I told her- that we will support her financially in any way legally allowable under Illinois law. He never got a chance, as money ever came up in the conversation.
We both feel VERY strongly that we will will only work within the law and ethical guidelines for our adoption, however that comes to be. Our attorney has been great in guiding us and also has very high ethics, which is why we chose her. We know that should this expectant mom decide that she won't budge on her demands, there are people out there that don't necessarily have the same level of ethics that we do.
After talking with our attorney, we are planning to try to meet with her this weekend in person. Chris feels strongly that he will get a better read when talking to her in person. There are some inconsistencies in what she has told us her due date is and how many weeks along she says she is. She also told Chris today that she wants a completely closed adoption and doesn't understand why we would even tell our child they were adopted. This doesn't sit well with us, and is something we'd need to explore further.
I'm trying to believe that she is coming from a place of good and that we won't get scammed. My heart is so fragile after all we've been through that I just have to hold it tight. We have some big decisions to make about if and how to move forward with this possible situation. If anyone has words of wisdom for us, please share or feel free to email us.
Please keep us in your thoughts! This is a first for us... meeting someone in person. What a strange experience in the best of cases. I'm hoping to do a little research tonight on how to best prepare for our meeting should it happen. And I'm going to hold my heart just a little harder.
However, there are lots of red flags. Lots of things that just don't feel quite right. The mom is very focused on the financial support she'd like to get from us. She has some VERY unusual requests- in fact our attorney has never had such requests in all her 20+ years as an adoption attorney. She didn't really ask any questions about Chris and I and was more into "selling" us on herself. My biggest concern is that she isn't looking to adoption for the right reasons, and is hoping to make some financial gains rather than find a family to raise her child.
She found our information through the internet and contacted our attorney through our 888 number. My attorney spoke to her at length and then passed on her information to me. I called her and had a similiar conversation to that my attorney had. Chris spoke to her today, and she didn't mention anything about financial support to him at all. He was supposed to reiterate what both the attorney and I told her- that we will support her financially in any way legally allowable under Illinois law. He never got a chance, as money ever came up in the conversation.
We both feel VERY strongly that we will will only work within the law and ethical guidelines for our adoption, however that comes to be. Our attorney has been great in guiding us and also has very high ethics, which is why we chose her. We know that should this expectant mom decide that she won't budge on her demands, there are people out there that don't necessarily have the same level of ethics that we do.
After talking with our attorney, we are planning to try to meet with her this weekend in person. Chris feels strongly that he will get a better read when talking to her in person. There are some inconsistencies in what she has told us her due date is and how many weeks along she says she is. She also told Chris today that she wants a completely closed adoption and doesn't understand why we would even tell our child they were adopted. This doesn't sit well with us, and is something we'd need to explore further.
I'm trying to believe that she is coming from a place of good and that we won't get scammed. My heart is so fragile after all we've been through that I just have to hold it tight. We have some big decisions to make about if and how to move forward with this possible situation. If anyone has words of wisdom for us, please share or feel free to email us.
Please keep us in your thoughts! This is a first for us... meeting someone in person. What a strange experience in the best of cases. I'm hoping to do a little research tonight on how to best prepare for our meeting should it happen. And I'm going to hold my heart just a little harder.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
It's hard
Thank you for all of your sweet comments on our video. Please feel free to share it on your blogs, FB pages, wherever! I'm new to promoting using You.Tube, so if anyone has tips for that, please share. I tried to think of all the keywords I could but noticed it doesn't always come up when I put them in the search field. We're working with Adoptimist as well to get some of our own google ads running. I wish we had unlimited resources to pay for premium ad space on google, but that's just not an option for us.
I am trying to stay hopeful, really I am. But, it's really really hard. I posted our video on FB as well, and had great feedback there too. People keep telling us that we are going to be great parents and that they are sure someone is going to choose us soon. I am so thankful for all of these kind words, really I am. But there's a little part of my heart that breaks each time I hear (read) how everyone knows we are going to be great parents. Why haven't we finally had our chance to show just what amazing parents we can be? How much longer are we going to have to wait? And then there's a part of me that just wonders if it isn't meant to be. Are we fighting against the universe?
I do find solace in reading posts from many of you who have been where I am and have crossed over. I also hope that everyone will keep commenting... you have no idea how important each and every comment is to me. It's a sense of validation that I just can't explain.
I'm starting to feel like the last one standing again. (Remember this post?) Except this time, it's the adoption episode. I know in my heart of hearts that the right match is out there for us- at least I am holding out hope that there is. But I can't help but feeling a little sad as I watch just about every single person waiting for an adoption match on my blog reader- get matched. And I am overjoyed for every.single.one.of.them! I just wish that I could be sharing in their joy.
There's a part of this Type A personality of mine that just can't squelch the feeling of being in a competition. And I fell horribly guilty even putting this out there. I look at other profiles and wonder how we compare. I am constantly updating our profile on adoptionist to make sure we are on the top of the recent page. I check the stats on our pages and our FB page. I know it's not about being "better" than another couple- it's about being the RIGHT couple for a woman. We just need to hope that our information gets to the right woman at the right time. It's really a numbers game, right? Or is it all about luck? Or karma? I wish I knew.
After years of infertility, I am so full of self-doubt that it's hard not to take all of this personally. It's hard to wonder why we haven't been chosen. It's hard to wonder what people think about us when they see our video or look at our profile. It's hard to think about what must go through a woman's mind when she is choosing a family to parent her child. It's hard to think about the pain a woman must endure in order for Chris and I to experience the joy of parenthood. All of this is just so hard.
But it's the hard stuff that makes us stronger, right? And that's just what this girl is going to do. Keep being strong and hoping that someday very soon we'll finally have our dreams come true.
~~~~
In other news, please keep good thoughts coming my way on Thursday morning, I have an interview for the tech position at school. This was the same position I applied for last year, but didn't get an interview. This year they removed the certificate as a requirement and I have been granted an interview. Both of the current tech people in the district want me in the position and will be on the interview team. I really need a change with my job and am excited about the prospect of this new position. I am trying not to get my hopes up as they are interviewing several external candidates as well as me. I haven't done an interview in more than a decade- so I'm a little nervous! Thanks for all good thoughts you can send my way!
I am trying to stay hopeful, really I am. But, it's really really hard. I posted our video on FB as well, and had great feedback there too. People keep telling us that we are going to be great parents and that they are sure someone is going to choose us soon. I am so thankful for all of these kind words, really I am. But there's a little part of my heart that breaks each time I hear (read) how everyone knows we are going to be great parents. Why haven't we finally had our chance to show just what amazing parents we can be? How much longer are we going to have to wait? And then there's a part of me that just wonders if it isn't meant to be. Are we fighting against the universe?
I do find solace in reading posts from many of you who have been where I am and have crossed over. I also hope that everyone will keep commenting... you have no idea how important each and every comment is to me. It's a sense of validation that I just can't explain.
I'm starting to feel like the last one standing again. (Remember this post?) Except this time, it's the adoption episode. I know in my heart of hearts that the right match is out there for us- at least I am holding out hope that there is. But I can't help but feeling a little sad as I watch just about every single person waiting for an adoption match on my blog reader- get matched. And I am overjoyed for every.single.one.of.them! I just wish that I could be sharing in their joy.
There's a part of this Type A personality of mine that just can't squelch the feeling of being in a competition. And I fell horribly guilty even putting this out there. I look at other profiles and wonder how we compare. I am constantly updating our profile on adoptionist to make sure we are on the top of the recent page. I check the stats on our pages and our FB page. I know it's not about being "better" than another couple- it's about being the RIGHT couple for a woman. We just need to hope that our information gets to the right woman at the right time. It's really a numbers game, right? Or is it all about luck? Or karma? I wish I knew.
After years of infertility, I am so full of self-doubt that it's hard not to take all of this personally. It's hard to wonder why we haven't been chosen. It's hard to wonder what people think about us when they see our video or look at our profile. It's hard to think about what must go through a woman's mind when she is choosing a family to parent her child. It's hard to think about the pain a woman must endure in order for Chris and I to experience the joy of parenthood. All of this is just so hard.
But it's the hard stuff that makes us stronger, right? And that's just what this girl is going to do. Keep being strong and hoping that someday very soon we'll finally have our dreams come true.
~~~~
In other news, please keep good thoughts coming my way on Thursday morning, I have an interview for the tech position at school. This was the same position I applied for last year, but didn't get an interview. This year they removed the certificate as a requirement and I have been granted an interview. Both of the current tech people in the district want me in the position and will be on the interview team. I really need a change with my job and am excited about the prospect of this new position. I am trying not to get my hopes up as they are interviewing several external candidates as well as me. I haven't done an interview in more than a decade- so I'm a little nervous! Thanks for all good thoughts you can send my way!
Sunday, January 8, 2012
One more day
Thank you for all of your comments on my last post. It means so much to have so many of you cheering and supporting us from around the web. To those of you who've been in my shoes... thank you so much for sharing your stories and letting me know that I am not alone in my feelings.
I am feeling better today. I am having some feelings of guilt about my rant yesterday about not wanting to do this. I have irrational fears that my emotions yesterday will cause this pregnancy to end in miscarriage. Now my rational side knows how crazy that sounds. Really, I do. I spent some time thinking this morning and trying to convince the "cosmos" how much Chris and I really do want this pregnancy to stick. (I have some serious faith issues- thus the reason for cosmos rather than G.od) There, I admit it. I really want this to work. But I also know in my heart that we are meant to adopt. I'm not going to try to fight those two feelings right now. I'm trying to just let go and embrace whatever the next few days/weeks/months hold.
I did spend some time being creative in my studio. I am taking an online class and it felt good to create for myself. I haven't done that it months. With our etsy store funding our adoption, so much of my creative time has been spent stocking my store and filling orders. I am so thankful that I am able to use my creative talents to raise much needed funds. But it feels so good to create just for the sake of creating. I'm hoping to steal some time tomorrow to get some cards made up for the etsy store too.
I am trying so hard not to obcess about symptoms and such. I was thinking that the girls didn't feel as full as before, but once I put on a bra, it was clear that they are just as full. I haven't had any cramping today- other than some light "tugging" in my right side. They cyst is on the right side, and the "speck" they saw on u/s is also on the right side of my uterus. So it makes sense. There still is really no spotting. There may be some tiny slight brown when I go looking for it. For those of you IF vets, you know what I am talking about. :) I was up to go to the bathroom three times during the night. I seem to be crying at really stupid commercials and tv shows.
I've sent off my sub plans for tomorrow. I am a little worried about my students having a sub this close to break, but my favorite go to sub agreed to come in for me. She is the amazing woman who covered for me when I had my first miscarriage in 2010. I know she will be able to handle things. I had a feeling there might be an issue, so I made most of the needed copies before I left school on Friday. So I am hoping to just embrace the day off as a chance to spend some time with Chris... which is a premium this time of the year.
Thank you again for your love and support. Looks like I've made it one more day. It's one day at a time for now.
I am feeling better today. I am having some feelings of guilt about my rant yesterday about not wanting to do this. I have irrational fears that my emotions yesterday will cause this pregnancy to end in miscarriage. Now my rational side knows how crazy that sounds. Really, I do. I spent some time thinking this morning and trying to convince the "cosmos" how much Chris and I really do want this pregnancy to stick. (I have some serious faith issues- thus the reason for cosmos rather than G.od) There, I admit it. I really want this to work. But I also know in my heart that we are meant to adopt. I'm not going to try to fight those two feelings right now. I'm trying to just let go and embrace whatever the next few days/weeks/months hold.
I did spend some time being creative in my studio. I am taking an online class and it felt good to create for myself. I haven't done that it months. With our etsy store funding our adoption, so much of my creative time has been spent stocking my store and filling orders. I am so thankful that I am able to use my creative talents to raise much needed funds. But it feels so good to create just for the sake of creating. I'm hoping to steal some time tomorrow to get some cards made up for the etsy store too.
I am trying so hard not to obcess about symptoms and such. I was thinking that the girls didn't feel as full as before, but once I put on a bra, it was clear that they are just as full. I haven't had any cramping today- other than some light "tugging" in my right side. They cyst is on the right side, and the "speck" they saw on u/s is also on the right side of my uterus. So it makes sense. There still is really no spotting. There may be some tiny slight brown when I go looking for it. For those of you IF vets, you know what I am talking about. :) I was up to go to the bathroom three times during the night. I seem to be crying at really stupid commercials and tv shows.
I've sent off my sub plans for tomorrow. I am a little worried about my students having a sub this close to break, but my favorite go to sub agreed to come in for me. She is the amazing woman who covered for me when I had my first miscarriage in 2010. I know she will be able to handle things. I had a feeling there might be an issue, so I made most of the needed copies before I left school on Friday. So I am hoping to just embrace the day off as a chance to spend some time with Chris... which is a premium this time of the year.
Thank you again for your love and support. Looks like I've made it one more day. It's one day at a time for now.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Rewind... that darn H word
Mel posted earlier this week about the new Presidential Family portrait and the fact that the last one was taken two years ago. She asked us all to reflect at where we were at two years ago. I wish I hadn't looked.
You see, two years ago we were full of HOPE. You can read the post here. I had just finished a month long drug protocol that had made me miserable, but we were so sure that it was the final piece to our IVF. We learned that we had three normal blasts from our final IVF and were preparing to transfer them in January. I was so sure that it was going to work. I remember being so very hopeful for the first time in years. Everything was falling nicely into place. I was able to stomach the holidays because I was finally off the horrible drug, and I was so sure that it was going to be a final childless holiday.
For those of you who have read my blog for some time, you know how that all turned out. If you'd like to refresh your memory- read this. I came crashing down from my HOPE high really hard.
But I've moved on, right? We're moving forward and healing from that negative and the devastating miscarriage that came months later after we transferred our final blasts. We've closed that chapter of our life. We're moving on and are actively trying to adopt. We're hopeful again....
And that's where I slammed on the brakes. Here I am, two years later, blissfully hopeful that this will once again be our last childless Christmas. I am full of hope that we will become parents through adoption. Everything is falling into place. But am I setting myself up to fall again?
Other than the one situation that was a "hand me down" from another couple who had already been matched, we have not had a single call on our own 800 number. There has been no interest. After hearing of the two expectant mothers over a month ago, we are getting radio silence now. Before you tell me it hasn't been that long- I know. I know that we've only been fully active since September. I know that we've only run our first newspaper ads last week. But we've been out there- telling everyone we know. We've sent out mailings, we have a website and a face.book page. It was a year ago that we fully started the process with our first homestudy meeting.
I think the waiting would be so much easier to take if I knew that there would be a happy ending. It's been more than 11 years since we started trying to have a family. I just don't know how much longer I can wait without losing myself. I've realized that the unknown timeline or even IF it will all work out is starting to eat away at me. I don't like the person I am right now. I am overwhelmed and underwhelmed all at the same time. I am sad when I think about what the past 2 years have held for us- so much sadness and loss.
For now I am holding onto hope. Hope that we will finally have our family. Hope that I will be able to embrace motherhood after yearning for so long. Hope that Chris and I will be good parents. Hope that we won't have our hearts broken again in the process. Hope that an expectant mother will choose us and that we will be parents in 2012.
HOPE better not let me down this time. I'm not going to take it lightly this time!
You see, two years ago we were full of HOPE. You can read the post here. I had just finished a month long drug protocol that had made me miserable, but we were so sure that it was the final piece to our IVF. We learned that we had three normal blasts from our final IVF and were preparing to transfer them in January. I was so sure that it was going to work. I remember being so very hopeful for the first time in years. Everything was falling nicely into place. I was able to stomach the holidays because I was finally off the horrible drug, and I was so sure that it was going to be a final childless holiday.
For those of you who have read my blog for some time, you know how that all turned out. If you'd like to refresh your memory- read this. I came crashing down from my HOPE high really hard.
But I've moved on, right? We're moving forward and healing from that negative and the devastating miscarriage that came months later after we transferred our final blasts. We've closed that chapter of our life. We're moving on and are actively trying to adopt. We're hopeful again....
And that's where I slammed on the brakes. Here I am, two years later, blissfully hopeful that this will once again be our last childless Christmas. I am full of hope that we will become parents through adoption. Everything is falling into place. But am I setting myself up to fall again?
Other than the one situation that was a "hand me down" from another couple who had already been matched, we have not had a single call on our own 800 number. There has been no interest. After hearing of the two expectant mothers over a month ago, we are getting radio silence now. Before you tell me it hasn't been that long- I know. I know that we've only been fully active since September. I know that we've only run our first newspaper ads last week. But we've been out there- telling everyone we know. We've sent out mailings, we have a website and a face.book page. It was a year ago that we fully started the process with our first homestudy meeting.
I think the waiting would be so much easier to take if I knew that there would be a happy ending. It's been more than 11 years since we started trying to have a family. I just don't know how much longer I can wait without losing myself. I've realized that the unknown timeline or even IF it will all work out is starting to eat away at me. I don't like the person I am right now. I am overwhelmed and underwhelmed all at the same time. I am sad when I think about what the past 2 years have held for us- so much sadness and loss.
For now I am holding onto hope. Hope that we will finally have our family. Hope that I will be able to embrace motherhood after yearning for so long. Hope that Chris and I will be good parents. Hope that we won't have our hearts broken again in the process. Hope that an expectant mother will choose us and that we will be parents in 2012.
HOPE better not let me down this time. I'm not going to take it lightly this time!
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Sharing our Story
First of all, Thank You. Thank you for your kind words and positive energy over the past few days. I know I've said it before, but I really don't know what I would do without my virtual support group. I am so thankful to have found the ALI community. While infertility is often a taboo subject in real life, I can always share my real feelings and emotions here and know that there is someone who gets it. Thank you for being my "get it" girls!
I'm fortunate to have a few real life friends who really try to get where I am coming from. They've cared for me and protected me from the angry fertiles of the world. But I've also felt a need to educate those about what infertility is all about. I've been rather open about our struggles and now about our adoption plan. I am far from an activist, but I feel a sense of obligation to represent the life of an infertile. The media portrays us in such a negative light and there are so many misconceptions about the processes involved in IVF and Adoption.
We spent yesterday morning with a columnist for a local paper sharing our story. An amazing woman set it all in motion. She filled in for me as a substitute teacher a year ago while I was dealing with our miscarriage. She came to me a few weeks ago asking me if it would be okay if she sent an email to a few contacts at local newpapers about us. She has always wanted to do something more for us, and thought this might lead to something. I graciously accepted her help, but really didn't think anything would come of it. I mean, who would think we were a story worth writing?
Apparently we are somewhat interesting. The columnist wanted to write about modern infertility, and the email came at just the right time. He wanted to show the real side of infertility & adoption that has been overshadowed by women like octo.mom and Ange.lina J.olie. He wanted to write a story to expose some of myths surrounding IVF and adoption. This was exactly the mission I'd been on. He also agreed to share our adoption information within the article and include a photo or two of us.
We talked for almost two hours, sharing just about every detail of our life over the past ten years. He asked questions that were respectful and showed that he really wanted to share our story in a positive light. I am of course a little nervous about what silly comment I may have made that could be taken out of context, but hopeful that in the end it will all come together. I am a little worried that we talked too much about our infertility and not enough about adoption- but that's what I know. I am an "expert" at infertility and a newbie in terms of adoption. Hopefully I won't offend the adoption community with anything I said.
The article is supposed to run this week. I am excited and nervous. Of course I started to think about what comments will be posted on the online version of the article, and started to hyperventilate. But then Chris reminded me of the S.NL skit from the last week that showed people who comment online. Made me laugh and hopefully will keep me from even reading the comments. I'll be sure to post a link here once it's online so that all of you can go and defend me if need be. :)
Hoping that spending the day actively sharing our story was the best way to honor our miscarriage a year later.
More thoughts on our adoption plans for another post. We're meeting with our attorney on Wednesday to get our 800 number and marketing plan rolling. Yikes!
Realzing that I've used the word hope in some form MANY times in this post. Could it be that I am just feeling a little hopeful?
I'm fortunate to have a few real life friends who really try to get where I am coming from. They've cared for me and protected me from the angry fertiles of the world. But I've also felt a need to educate those about what infertility is all about. I've been rather open about our struggles and now about our adoption plan. I am far from an activist, but I feel a sense of obligation to represent the life of an infertile. The media portrays us in such a negative light and there are so many misconceptions about the processes involved in IVF and Adoption.
We spent yesterday morning with a columnist for a local paper sharing our story. An amazing woman set it all in motion. She filled in for me as a substitute teacher a year ago while I was dealing with our miscarriage. She came to me a few weeks ago asking me if it would be okay if she sent an email to a few contacts at local newpapers about us. She has always wanted to do something more for us, and thought this might lead to something. I graciously accepted her help, but really didn't think anything would come of it. I mean, who would think we were a story worth writing?
Apparently we are somewhat interesting. The columnist wanted to write about modern infertility, and the email came at just the right time. He wanted to show the real side of infertility & adoption that has been overshadowed by women like octo.mom and Ange.lina J.olie. He wanted to write a story to expose some of myths surrounding IVF and adoption. This was exactly the mission I'd been on. He also agreed to share our adoption information within the article and include a photo or two of us.
We talked for almost two hours, sharing just about every detail of our life over the past ten years. He asked questions that were respectful and showed that he really wanted to share our story in a positive light. I am of course a little nervous about what silly comment I may have made that could be taken out of context, but hopeful that in the end it will all come together. I am a little worried that we talked too much about our infertility and not enough about adoption- but that's what I know. I am an "expert" at infertility and a newbie in terms of adoption. Hopefully I won't offend the adoption community with anything I said.
The article is supposed to run this week. I am excited and nervous. Of course I started to think about what comments will be posted on the online version of the article, and started to hyperventilate. But then Chris reminded me of the S.NL skit from the last week that showed people who comment online. Made me laugh and hopefully will keep me from even reading the comments. I'll be sure to post a link here once it's online so that all of you can go and defend me if need be. :)
Hoping that spending the day actively sharing our story was the best way to honor our miscarriage a year later.
More thoughts on our adoption plans for another post. We're meeting with our attorney on Wednesday to get our 800 number and marketing plan rolling. Yikes!
Realzing that I've used the word hope in some form MANY times in this post. Could it be that I am just feeling a little hopeful?
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Sense of Peace
I think I might really be finding some peace with our infertility journey coming to a close and the hope of adoption. It's funny how things like this sneak up on you. While I am still having some breathtaking moments when I think of Friday's upcoming date, I am feeling more hope than grief. If you would have told me that 6 months ago, I would have laughed (and then cried) in your face.
I spent 30 wonderful moments holding my friend's 3 week old baby yesterday. You might remember me talking about meeting this little guy in this post. She came into school yesterday for a surprise visit, and I was thrilled to get the chance to hold him during my lunch period. (He didn't go near ANY of our students- he was only in the Teacher's lounge and the counselors office. Way too many germs in other places!!!)
As I sat holding this little miracle, I just felt a sense of peace come over me. He was content in my arms until he decided he was hungry. He even spent a few moments cooing with his eyes open. It was magical. Not one other teacher dared to take this little guy out of my arms. I think they all knew that I was having a moment.
While I will always have some sadness over our losses and our years of unsuccessful treatment, I think I might really be ready to heal. I am hopeful that we will have our own little miracle very soon through adoption. In the meantime, I think I'll just try to spend oodles of time with this little guy and try to learn all that I can about being a mom.
And after hearing about my friend's issues with delivery and the subsequent healing necessary in her lady parts, maybe giving birth isn't all it's cracked up to be...
I spent 30 wonderful moments holding my friend's 3 week old baby yesterday. You might remember me talking about meeting this little guy in this post. She came into school yesterday for a surprise visit, and I was thrilled to get the chance to hold him during my lunch period. (He didn't go near ANY of our students- he was only in the Teacher's lounge and the counselors office. Way too many germs in other places!!!)
As I sat holding this little miracle, I just felt a sense of peace come over me. He was content in my arms until he decided he was hungry. He even spent a few moments cooing with his eyes open. It was magical. Not one other teacher dared to take this little guy out of my arms. I think they all knew that I was having a moment.
While I will always have some sadness over our losses and our years of unsuccessful treatment, I think I might really be ready to heal. I am hopeful that we will have our own little miracle very soon through adoption. In the meantime, I think I'll just try to spend oodles of time with this little guy and try to learn all that I can about being a mom.
And after hearing about my friend's issues with delivery and the subsequent healing necessary in her lady parts, maybe giving birth isn't all it's cracked up to be...
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Blogoversary Winner and Ramblings
First off, thank you for participating in my blogoversary post! I loved reading all about where you all were 9 years ago. Thanks for sharing! I used random.org to come up with a random winner and it chose #12- missohkay! Please email me and let me know what name you'd like on your custom cards and where to send them. So thrilled to make them up for you!
Lots of thoughts running through my brain tonight. I've had several topics pop into my brain for blog posts, but those will have to wait for tonight. Tonight I need to dump out the swirls of thoughts onto this blog. That's really what this blog has been about for me at times- the ability to write it all down and be able to clear my head. Back when I started blogging all those years ago, it was really just for me. I am now blessed to have met many amazing women through this blog, and for that I am forever grateful. Anyway, so I am apologizing in advance for what will really be a random post tonight.
We've made a tentative decision on the adoption front. We are going to work with an attorney and her marketing firm for now. We'd like to work with the other agency as well, but will need to put it on hold for now. We just don't have the resources to do both, and for now I feel that working with a "do it yourself" plan works for us. Not only is it less expensive initially, I have more control. And let's be honest- I am a control freak and after all of these years of being out of control during treatment, I am going to hold onto as much as I can with this.
I've created our website and I am pretty happy with it. I spent lots of time looking at other sites and reading adoption books. I've asked friends to look at it and everyone has said it's perfect and reflects who we are. I don't think an agency could have done that for us. I might eat those words later, but for now I feel confident in our plan. The next step is to take that information from the website and create our paper profile. I've started playing with that and even purchased pages for mac to have some more design freedom. Again, I've looked at other profiles and hope to create something that truly portrays who we are.
We're hoping to meet with the attorney's marketing coordinator next Friday. We'll get the information about setting up our 800 number. We've decided to have them answer our calls for us. It just won't work with my teaching schedule for me to have a cell phone with me at all times. We've been assured that the number is unique to us, and when it is answered it is with the knowledge that someone is calling on OUR behalf. Once we get the 800 number, I plan to create business cards and flyers. Then the plan is to get those out to everyone we know to pass them on. I just have to believe that our match is out there and hope and pray that someone who knows someone can make the connection.
And then there's next Friday, October 7th. I've felt this day looming for the past month or so. Someone said the date out loud to me and it literally took my breath away. I was immediately taken back to the moment I knew that our miracle pregnancy was over- the moment I miscarried at school. I can't believe it's been a year. It seems like it was yesterday and an eternity ago all at once. I am actually having a hard time thinking about going to the inservice we'll have at school on the 6th. While it isn't the actual date, it is the same inservice that I was teaching at a year ago. Just sitting here typing about it makes my breath catch in my chest. I wish I could skip the inservice, but they are all mandatory now. You must be on your deathbed to miss them. So I will go and pray I can keep calm and have the strength to get through the day.
Yes, you may have noticed that I also said that I hoped we could meet with the attorney's people next Friday. I am hoping that spending the day moving FORWARD will help me get through. I am hoping that having something to focus on and feeling that we are making progress will help ease the pain that the day will surely hold. I find myself thinking back to a year ago, and realizing that I was blissfully unaware that my life was about to be shattered. We had just gotten our second beta results, and they were perfect. I really thought we had finally gotten our miracle and that we were finally going to be parents. I had no idea how much pain and heartache was about to come our way.
While I am having moments of intense sadness, I am also feeling hope. I am hopeful that we will finally become parents and finally have the chance to love a baby of our own. I even found myself researching different bottle types last night. I was actually looking at babiesrus! I feel like a split personality right now. There's intense grief and excited hope all rolled up inside me right now. It's like a tornado in my heart and head right now! It scares me, honestly.
Thankfully we have a day off from school tomorrow. Feeling much better now that I have "dumped" some of these thoughts here. For those of you still reading... thank you. :)
Lots of thoughts running through my brain tonight. I've had several topics pop into my brain for blog posts, but those will have to wait for tonight. Tonight I need to dump out the swirls of thoughts onto this blog. That's really what this blog has been about for me at times- the ability to write it all down and be able to clear my head. Back when I started blogging all those years ago, it was really just for me. I am now blessed to have met many amazing women through this blog, and for that I am forever grateful. Anyway, so I am apologizing in advance for what will really be a random post tonight.
We've made a tentative decision on the adoption front. We are going to work with an attorney and her marketing firm for now. We'd like to work with the other agency as well, but will need to put it on hold for now. We just don't have the resources to do both, and for now I feel that working with a "do it yourself" plan works for us. Not only is it less expensive initially, I have more control. And let's be honest- I am a control freak and after all of these years of being out of control during treatment, I am going to hold onto as much as I can with this.
I've created our website and I am pretty happy with it. I spent lots of time looking at other sites and reading adoption books. I've asked friends to look at it and everyone has said it's perfect and reflects who we are. I don't think an agency could have done that for us. I might eat those words later, but for now I feel confident in our plan. The next step is to take that information from the website and create our paper profile. I've started playing with that and even purchased pages for mac to have some more design freedom. Again, I've looked at other profiles and hope to create something that truly portrays who we are.
We're hoping to meet with the attorney's marketing coordinator next Friday. We'll get the information about setting up our 800 number. We've decided to have them answer our calls for us. It just won't work with my teaching schedule for me to have a cell phone with me at all times. We've been assured that the number is unique to us, and when it is answered it is with the knowledge that someone is calling on OUR behalf. Once we get the 800 number, I plan to create business cards and flyers. Then the plan is to get those out to everyone we know to pass them on. I just have to believe that our match is out there and hope and pray that someone who knows someone can make the connection.
And then there's next Friday, October 7th. I've felt this day looming for the past month or so. Someone said the date out loud to me and it literally took my breath away. I was immediately taken back to the moment I knew that our miracle pregnancy was over- the moment I miscarried at school. I can't believe it's been a year. It seems like it was yesterday and an eternity ago all at once. I am actually having a hard time thinking about going to the inservice we'll have at school on the 6th. While it isn't the actual date, it is the same inservice that I was teaching at a year ago. Just sitting here typing about it makes my breath catch in my chest. I wish I could skip the inservice, but they are all mandatory now. You must be on your deathbed to miss them. So I will go and pray I can keep calm and have the strength to get through the day.
Yes, you may have noticed that I also said that I hoped we could meet with the attorney's people next Friday. I am hoping that spending the day moving FORWARD will help me get through. I am hoping that having something to focus on and feeling that we are making progress will help ease the pain that the day will surely hold. I find myself thinking back to a year ago, and realizing that I was blissfully unaware that my life was about to be shattered. We had just gotten our second beta results, and they were perfect. I really thought we had finally gotten our miracle and that we were finally going to be parents. I had no idea how much pain and heartache was about to come our way.
While I am having moments of intense sadness, I am also feeling hope. I am hopeful that we will finally become parents and finally have the chance to love a baby of our own. I even found myself researching different bottle types last night. I was actually looking at babiesrus! I feel like a split personality right now. There's intense grief and excited hope all rolled up inside me right now. It's like a tornado in my heart and head right now! It scares me, honestly.
Thankfully we have a day off from school tomorrow. Feeling much better now that I have "dumped" some of these thoughts here. For those of you still reading... thank you. :)
Monday, November 29, 2010
Notes to Myself
Yesterday we got out the Christmas tree. Yes, we have a fake tree. It's the only way to go when you have allergies and pets in our book. We also like to have it up a long time and were never really good at watering a real tree. So a few years ago we spent the money to get a nice artificial tree. It is stored in a large bag and requires assembly each year. We always question what order the branches go in and started making notes so we remember.
As I took out the branches, I found the note we wrote last year. On it was a reminder to put the lights on as we assembled each section- a helpful little tip to help us this year. I was overcome with emotion suddenly as I read the note. I started to think about the two people that wrote that note- the Chris & Patience of a year ago. Oh what a year they had ahead of them! If I could write them a note telling them all about what the year would hold, what would they have thought? Surely they wouldn't have believed it all. They were so full of hope that I think they would have just laughed it off.
Last year I was full of hope that we would finally have our miracle by the next time we put that tree up. I can imagine us thinking that we would have our hands full this year as we put the tree up and would need all the help we could get. We were so sure that by this time we would be complete and be sharing our first Christmas as a family. I actually wrote at one point, that I really thought that it would be our last Christmas without children.
I've said that for 10 years. Some years I believed it more than others. Last year was a year I really believed it with all my heart. We got so close, but in some ways we are even farther away than we've ever been to having that child centered Christmas. I have no idea what the next year will hold. I hold little hope that we will have a child by next Christmas. Last year we had a plan. This year we are lost.
I wish I could write a note back to the Chris & Patience we were 10 years ago. I wish I could tell them what the years ahead would be like. But then I remember what it felt like to have hope. I wouldn't want to take that from them. Even the Chris & Patience of 2009 had so much hope. I do wish that the Chris & Patience of 2025 could write me a note and just tell me that it all works out in the end. I don't even need to know how, I just need to know it does. I don't have much hope left, and I just need a tiny thread to pull me through.
I fear that the holidays this year are going to be tough. I need to find a way to embrace and enjoy the season. And just maybe I will be able to leave a note to myself saying it will all be ok.
As I took out the branches, I found the note we wrote last year. On it was a reminder to put the lights on as we assembled each section- a helpful little tip to help us this year. I was overcome with emotion suddenly as I read the note. I started to think about the two people that wrote that note- the Chris & Patience of a year ago. Oh what a year they had ahead of them! If I could write them a note telling them all about what the year would hold, what would they have thought? Surely they wouldn't have believed it all. They were so full of hope that I think they would have just laughed it off.
Last year I was full of hope that we would finally have our miracle by the next time we put that tree up. I can imagine us thinking that we would have our hands full this year as we put the tree up and would need all the help we could get. We were so sure that by this time we would be complete and be sharing our first Christmas as a family. I actually wrote at one point, that I really thought that it would be our last Christmas without children.
I've said that for 10 years. Some years I believed it more than others. Last year was a year I really believed it with all my heart. We got so close, but in some ways we are even farther away than we've ever been to having that child centered Christmas. I have no idea what the next year will hold. I hold little hope that we will have a child by next Christmas. Last year we had a plan. This year we are lost.
I wish I could write a note back to the Chris & Patience we were 10 years ago. I wish I could tell them what the years ahead would be like. But then I remember what it felt like to have hope. I wouldn't want to take that from them. Even the Chris & Patience of 2009 had so much hope. I do wish that the Chris & Patience of 2025 could write me a note and just tell me that it all works out in the end. I don't even need to know how, I just need to know it does. I don't have much hope left, and I just need a tiny thread to pull me through.
I fear that the holidays this year are going to be tough. I need to find a way to embrace and enjoy the season. And just maybe I will be able to leave a note to myself saying it will all be ok.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Intentions and One Little Word
I really meant to post this yesterday, but Chris and I had a great New Year's Eve and really didn't do much of anything yesterday. We lounged around, watched silly TV and napped. It was a great day! :) Hopefully NYE was my last night of enjoying adult beverages for a long time. I may have lived it up a little more than I should have, but oh well!
So, a few years ago I stopped making resolutions and instead making INTENTIONS for the coming year. So here are my intentions for 2010:
1. Be hopeful
This also happens to be my one little word for the year. I am trying hard to be hopeful in everything I do. Infertility has robbed me of hope and I am slowly starting to reclaim it. I am going to start with being hopeful that we will finally get our miracle at the end of the month. I am going to be hopeful that things will go as planned. I am going to be hopeful about our financial situation and our jobs. I am going to be hopeful that life is good, and that we are going to be ok.
2. Live a more healthy life
Pregnant or not, I have got to start taking better care of myself. I have let my exercise routines go in light of all of the IVF drugs and such. I am going to start walking more, and while I hope running is not in my future, I will pursue it if this FET does not work. (But it is going to work.... see #1) I am going to be better about eating healthy and make more of an effort to stay on top of the grocery shopping so we have healthy options to eat. Now that I am done with grad school, I have time to learn how to prepare better foods.
3. Organize my home and classroom
I have let some things slide while doing the IVF and just with life in general. We have made some great progress with our little old house, but we need to work on getting rid of the clutter. I need to work on getting rid of things and letting go. Keeping things doesn't help fill the emptiness. I've started with my closets, and hope to finish the rest of the house by the end of the year. With the construction at school, I had to pack up my classroom. I still have boxes of that I have not unpacked. I do so much better in an uncluttered space, and I am sure my kids do to. I need to work on getting things organized so that I can be a role model for my students.
4. Continue to put my Marriage first
We've come a long way, but I need to remember to put my marriage first and be a better wife. This will be very important if we truly are blessed with a baby this year. I am a strong believer in that parents need to be spouses as well as parents. We need to work through some of our issues, but I know that we are headed in the right direction. Sometimes knowing when to let something go is the most important lesson of all.
5. READ & CREATE
Since starting grad school, I have not read as much as I would like. I love reading, and I know that I need to "practice" what I preach to my students. I have books lined up on my nightstand just waiting to be read. I need to step away from the computer more often and pick up a book. Getting lost in a book is one of the greatest pleasures and I have been missing that for the past few years. I have also let my creative side down the last year. I have a beautiful studio (that needs to be organized, see #2) that has everything I need to be creative. My soul needs that creative outlet. Again, unplugging once in awhile to head into the studio is a MUST in the coming year.
So there you have it- my intentions and word for the year. Hoping that 2010 is the best year yet!
So, a few years ago I stopped making resolutions and instead making INTENTIONS for the coming year. So here are my intentions for 2010:
1. Be hopeful
This also happens to be my one little word for the year. I am trying hard to be hopeful in everything I do. Infertility has robbed me of hope and I am slowly starting to reclaim it. I am going to start with being hopeful that we will finally get our miracle at the end of the month. I am going to be hopeful that things will go as planned. I am going to be hopeful about our financial situation and our jobs. I am going to be hopeful that life is good, and that we are going to be ok.
2. Live a more healthy life
Pregnant or not, I have got to start taking better care of myself. I have let my exercise routines go in light of all of the IVF drugs and such. I am going to start walking more, and while I hope running is not in my future, I will pursue it if this FET does not work. (But it is going to work.... see #1) I am going to be better about eating healthy and make more of an effort to stay on top of the grocery shopping so we have healthy options to eat. Now that I am done with grad school, I have time to learn how to prepare better foods.
3. Organize my home and classroom
I have let some things slide while doing the IVF and just with life in general. We have made some great progress with our little old house, but we need to work on getting rid of the clutter. I need to work on getting rid of things and letting go. Keeping things doesn't help fill the emptiness. I've started with my closets, and hope to finish the rest of the house by the end of the year. With the construction at school, I had to pack up my classroom. I still have boxes of that I have not unpacked. I do so much better in an uncluttered space, and I am sure my kids do to. I need to work on getting things organized so that I can be a role model for my students.
4. Continue to put my Marriage first
We've come a long way, but I need to remember to put my marriage first and be a better wife. This will be very important if we truly are blessed with a baby this year. I am a strong believer in that parents need to be spouses as well as parents. We need to work through some of our issues, but I know that we are headed in the right direction. Sometimes knowing when to let something go is the most important lesson of all.
5. READ & CREATE
Since starting grad school, I have not read as much as I would like. I love reading, and I know that I need to "practice" what I preach to my students. I have books lined up on my nightstand just waiting to be read. I need to step away from the computer more often and pick up a book. Getting lost in a book is one of the greatest pleasures and I have been missing that for the past few years. I have also let my creative side down the last year. I have a beautiful studio (that needs to be organized, see #2) that has everything I need to be creative. My soul needs that creative outlet. Again, unplugging once in awhile to head into the studio is a MUST in the coming year.
So there you have it- my intentions and word for the year. Hoping that 2010 is the best year yet!
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