That's the big idea I took from my call with Dr Sch today. That is a direct quote. As much as he can be described as blunt and harsh, he really has a good rapport with his patients. Most of us who find our way to him want blunt. We're over the sugar coating, drag me into another ineffective treatment. You don't get that from him. Let's be honest- CCR.M doesn't need the business. They have plenty of paying patients!
I was hoping for closure- not really
I was hoping for answers- a few.
However, I have a lot to think about. Chris wasn't able to be on the call so he just got the cliff notes version while he was at HS swim team try outs. We'll talk more tomorrow.
Bottom line- He thinks we should do it again. He is giving us a 50% chance with my eggs & my uterus. As for the miscarriage, he thinks it was the no result that implanted and was in fact not normal. (Why haven't we had a normal stick?!) He feels that one or more of the added treatments (Depot lupron, biopsy, & antihistamine protocol) was the difference between the transfer in January and the one in September. The only thing he would change is testing for clotting/immune issues with the APA and Thromobophilia panel (not sure I am even close to the spelling on that) Wishing I had done those tests before the last transfer, but we were told it wasn't necessary since we had implantation failure, not miscarriage. So now we fit that criteria.
He feels that our best bet is a gestational carrier, but definitely feels that another cycle with my uterus is worth trying. So now what?! He also feels that waiting 1-2 years to cycle (after a successful adoption!) wouldn't change my chances drastically since I am only 35. Yep, only 35. That's a change from the local clinics! He also said that we can have embryos frozen for years without them deteriorating.
I am going to have the blood tests, just so I know. I need to know if there is a known issue. I also need to have a period induced so that I can have a follow up ultrasound to make sure that all of the tissue is gone from the miscarriage. (Dr Sch called it a biochemical pregnancy- I guess that is because we never saw the heartbeat?)
So many options. I so wish that money didn't have to play a role in this all. He did say we could do the study they are doing right now that would cover meds and possibly the CCS testing. The downside is we might be in the control group & transfer without testing. Is that something to risk?
Right now, I wish we could do another cycle and freeze everything. Meanwhile, finish our homestudy and pursue adoption before transferring any of the embryos. However, both options will cost at least $40,000 combined. And our money tree has run dry.
I am interested to hear what some of you think. Please be kind, though!
Showing posts with label IVF. Show all posts
Showing posts with label IVF. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
One year ago...
One year ago today we had our last IVF Retrieval.
One year ago we were full of hope.
One year ago we were sure we'd be parents or at least pregnant by today.
I can't believe all we've been through in the past year.
I can't believe it's already been a year.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On a good note, I made it through another week. Today I haven't cried at all. (There is still time for it to happen, I suppose) I suppose that means that I am making progress. I asked my therapist when I can expect to feel "normal" again. She reminded me that it has only been three weeks. It's going to take time. And then Chris feels that it has been enough time and that we need to move forward and essentially forget it ever happened. I can't do that. We've have some tense moments this past week over this difference of opinion. Again, I have to remember that we are both dealing with our grief in our own way.
I have had good intentions of making the initial call to the agency where we plan to do our homestudy. We started one with this agency back when we had the failed independent adoption. I even emailed the phone number to my work email in the hopes that I would get a chance to call. It just hasn't happened. It doesn't cross my mind during the day- I think I am going on autopilot while I am teaching. Before I realize it, the day is gone and the office is closed. I need to make these calls. I am going to try to make more of an effort to remember- maybe even setting my ical to send me a reminder to call during my lunch? We'll see.
Off to have some adult beverages with some friends tonight. I think I've earned it!
One year ago we were full of hope.
One year ago we were sure we'd be parents or at least pregnant by today.
I can't believe all we've been through in the past year.
I can't believe it's already been a year.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On a good note, I made it through another week. Today I haven't cried at all. (There is still time for it to happen, I suppose) I suppose that means that I am making progress. I asked my therapist when I can expect to feel "normal" again. She reminded me that it has only been three weeks. It's going to take time. And then Chris feels that it has been enough time and that we need to move forward and essentially forget it ever happened. I can't do that. We've have some tense moments this past week over this difference of opinion. Again, I have to remember that we are both dealing with our grief in our own way.
I have had good intentions of making the initial call to the agency where we plan to do our homestudy. We started one with this agency back when we had the failed independent adoption. I even emailed the phone number to my work email in the hopes that I would get a chance to call. It just hasn't happened. It doesn't cross my mind during the day- I think I am going on autopilot while I am teaching. Before I realize it, the day is gone and the office is closed. I need to make these calls. I am going to try to make more of an effort to remember- maybe even setting my ical to send me a reminder to call during my lunch? We'll see.
Off to have some adult beverages with some friends tonight. I think I've earned it!
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
CD #1
Today is finally CD #1.
Dep.ot Lup.ron Shot #1.
FET calendar in hand. Tentative FET #3- 9/10/10.
Let the fun begin!
Dep.ot Lup.ron Shot #1.
FET calendar in hand. Tentative FET #3- 9/10/10.
Let the fun begin!
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
40%
40% That's the odds that Dr Sch gives us with our FET ending up with a positive pregnancy test.
Why? He has no idea. No clue why our FET didn't work in January. We've managed to "stump" even one of the top doctors in the country. Too bad there isn't a prize for "Stump the RE" We'd be big winners for sure!
I asked lots of questions, and he honestly answered all of them. I am thankful for his brutal honesty. That's why we chose to work with him. I just wish he could give us a brutal answer other than "I don't know." When we decided to do this IVF at CC.RM, I wanted one of two things: 1) get pregnant or 2) finally have some answers as to why we keep failing. Obviously I really was hoping for the first option, but the second would have been nice too. We didn't get either.
So here is the gist:
Why? He has no idea. No clue why our FET didn't work in January. We've managed to "stump" even one of the top doctors in the country. Too bad there isn't a prize for "Stump the RE" We'd be big winners for sure!
I asked lots of questions, and he honestly answered all of them. I am thankful for his brutal honesty. That's why we chose to work with him. I just wish he could give us a brutal answer other than "I don't know." When we decided to do this IVF at CC.RM, I wanted one of two things: 1) get pregnant or 2) finally have some answers as to why we keep failing. Obviously I really was hoping for the first option, but the second would have been nice too. We didn't get either.
So here is the gist:
- Has no idea why our FET failed, but *thinks* it must be some sort of uterine issue. However, I have had EVERY test to rule out uterine problems, and I don't seem to have any known problems. Blood flow, structure, lining, and everything else looks good. Only known issue is the missing Beta-3 Integrin protein, which he feels was treated by the Letrozale.
- Which brings up the next point... he doesn't feel that there are any differences in Letrozale/Femara and Dep.ot Lu.pron treatment. Told me that there are no studies that support one over the other. Told me that he would suggest doing the Dep.ot Lu.pron this time just to change a variable.
- Also agrees that I should try the endo biopsy to "injure" the lining the month before my FET. There are some studies out of Israel that are supporting this theory. Dr Sch said it is a little bit "voodoo" but willing to give it a try. Need to find a gynecologist locally to do that for me.
- Does NOT feel it is an egg and/or embryo quality issue. He actually said he was "thrilled" with my quantity and quality of both eggs and embryos and feels I had the best cycle yet. (I have to agree, but it was worth asking, right?) We had the highest number of blasts we've ever had and ended up with 3 normals. Thinks that is a best case outcome. (Of course I think a BFP would have really sweetened the deal!)
- Does not feel that he would change the FET protocol at all. Feels the protocol has little to do with success or not. All of my bloodwork and u/s showed that I responded "perfectly" on the protocol that CCRM uses.
- Does not feel that treating with low dose steroid would help, even with my family history of autoimmune issues. Doesn't feel that immune issues are to blame, since I am having implantation failure, not miscarriages. Did say that I could retest for antiphospholipid antibodies and see if that was an issue. Would treat me with Lovenox then, not steroids. Said that I could have been "normal" before and now have an abnormal result. Will repeat that test with a lab here soon.
- If we chose to do another fresh cycle, he would not change my protocol at all. He feels that we had the best cycle ever on the protocol.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Short Vent..
Just a quick vent. I am a "fan" of my clinic on Facebook. All this week I have received updates from the fan page that my RE has a book coming out... that is supposed to answer any questions you have about trying to get pregnant. If the man can write a book on the topic, then why the heck doesn't he have any answers for us? It just makes me sad. :(
Vent over.
Vent over.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Hibernating
So I didn't go to work again today. We are getting another blizzard, so that sealed my plan to stay home. The reality is that I don't want to have to face anyone yet. I am going to have to return to work tomorrow. I am feeling strong until I think about that.
I haven't had to say IT out loud. By it, I mean the fact our cycle has failed. I only said IT once, and that was to Chris when I had to call him after our nurse called. I have avoided phone calls from friends. I have only cried twice today, but when I think about having to talk to someone about it, I feel the tears start. Now I have told people that it failed... all of the people close to us know. I had the safety of text and email to do that. I could hide behind the writing, and I didn't have to say it outloud. I don't know if it just the notion of saying it somehow makes it more real. It might just be the fact that I am scared.
I've done some research today and really haven't come up with much. We simply are in the Bermuda triangle of IVF failure. I have really had pretty much every test that is suggested. We could consult with a reproductive immunologist, but many of the basic tests they do we've already had. And all of those results were normal. I am wondering about v.iagra and adding a steroid for the entire cycle, not just a few days. All things I need to look into.
I suppose I feel better now that we've talked to Dr Sch and I have a little bit of a plan of what to do next. And then I think about having to return to the world tomorrow, and I don't feel so strong. So for now, I am going to enjoy hibernation for just a little bit longer.
I haven't had to say IT out loud. By it, I mean the fact our cycle has failed. I only said IT once, and that was to Chris when I had to call him after our nurse called. I have avoided phone calls from friends. I have only cried twice today, but when I think about having to talk to someone about it, I feel the tears start. Now I have told people that it failed... all of the people close to us know. I had the safety of text and email to do that. I could hide behind the writing, and I didn't have to say it outloud. I don't know if it just the notion of saying it somehow makes it more real. It might just be the fact that I am scared.
I've done some research today and really haven't come up with much. We simply are in the Bermuda triangle of IVF failure. I have really had pretty much every test that is suggested. We could consult with a reproductive immunologist, but many of the basic tests they do we've already had. And all of those results were normal. I am wondering about v.iagra and adding a steroid for the entire cycle, not just a few days. All things I need to look into.
I suppose I feel better now that we've talked to Dr Sch and I have a little bit of a plan of what to do next. And then I think about having to return to the world tomorrow, and I don't feel so strong. So for now, I am going to enjoy hibernation for just a little bit longer.
Monday, February 8, 2010
No reason AGAIN
Just got off the phone with the RE. He actually said he has NO IDEA why it didn't work. The top freaking Dr in the country and he has no idea why we can't get pregnant. I think that is what makes me the maddest off all. There is NO REASON why this failed. I have been saying for years if I could just get a clear cut reason as to why this doesn't work I could walk away. I could accept defeat.
He was very kind, and I honestly felt like he was disappointed in our results. I didn't feel rushed while talking with him and he answered all of my questions. I really felt that he honestly had no idea why it didn't work for us. When I asked, he said that I could do the depot lupron before we consider another FET. I also asked about doing a biopsy the month before the transfer, and he also said that he would consider that. The theory is that the injury to the lining is then repaired the next month and extra growth protein is emitted into the uterine lining the next month. There is a study that was done in Israel on this.
I flat out asked if he thought it was an egg issue... and he said no. He didn't even mention an egg donor at this point. He reminded me that I had the best cycle ever and ended up with 7 blasts in the end. The only change he would make if I did another fresh cycle would be to decrease my dosage sooner so that I didn't have to coast as long. I didn't ask about a surrogate... guess I don't even want to go there yet. I did ask about a structural issue, and he assured me that when he looked at my uterus, everything is NORMAL.
So here we are. $20,000 lighter and no closer to having a baby.
He was very kind, and I honestly felt like he was disappointed in our results. I didn't feel rushed while talking with him and he answered all of my questions. I really felt that he honestly had no idea why it didn't work for us. When I asked, he said that I could do the depot lupron before we consider another FET. I also asked about doing a biopsy the month before the transfer, and he also said that he would consider that. The theory is that the injury to the lining is then repaired the next month and extra growth protein is emitted into the uterine lining the next month. There is a study that was done in Israel on this.
I flat out asked if he thought it was an egg issue... and he said no. He didn't even mention an egg donor at this point. He reminded me that I had the best cycle ever and ended up with 7 blasts in the end. The only change he would make if I did another fresh cycle would be to decrease my dosage sooner so that I didn't have to coast as long. I didn't ask about a surrogate... guess I don't even want to go there yet. I did ask about a structural issue, and he assured me that when he looked at my uterus, everything is NORMAL.
So here we are. $20,000 lighter and no closer to having a baby.
Still here
I am still here... and still numb. I "forget" about the negative for a little bit, and then when it comes back into my mind I almost have a panic attack. I break into tears at random times. It seems that I am most likely to fall into tears when people are being kind. I read kind words from friends in a text or email, and I am instantly in tears. A friend called to check on Chris and I and I couldn't take her call and instead burst into tears. I think it is strange that it is the goodness that makes me want to cry the most.
I am glad I decided to stay home today, and I might stay home tomorrow too. I had some good friends share the news with my coworkers today and also tell everyone that I didn't want to talk about it. Again, the kindness factor seems to bring about the biggest tears. I also know that I can not be a good teacher when I am so angry and raw. While I know I have to go back at some point, and that having the distraction of work will help, I know that I am just not ready yet.
I've kept distracted reading the last few days. Right now I am reading 29 Gifts by Cami Walker. Enjoying the message and being reminded that my life could be worse. I also read Dear John and The Lightning Thief. Both light reads. Lightning Thief was good but Dear John not so much.
The head of the swim team told Chris to take a few days off... so thankfully he will be back home shortly. I don't like being home alone right now. He had to go in for the High School team. He is dreading seeing parents tonight knowing that he will have to face them all with our news. We were WAY too open about this IVF. But we thought it was going to work....
I am glad I decided to stay home today, and I might stay home tomorrow too. I had some good friends share the news with my coworkers today and also tell everyone that I didn't want to talk about it. Again, the kindness factor seems to bring about the biggest tears. I also know that I can not be a good teacher when I am so angry and raw. While I know I have to go back at some point, and that having the distraction of work will help, I know that I am just not ready yet.
I've kept distracted reading the last few days. Right now I am reading 29 Gifts by Cami Walker. Enjoying the message and being reminded that my life could be worse. I also read Dear John and The Lightning Thief. Both light reads. Lightning Thief was good but Dear John not so much.
The head of the swim team told Chris to take a few days off... so thankfully he will be back home shortly. I don't like being home alone right now. He had to go in for the High School team. He is dreading seeing parents tonight knowing that he will have to face them all with our news. We were WAY too open about this IVF. But we thought it was going to work....
WHY?????
It's 2:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. I fell asleep at 8:30 from exhaustion and the stupid medication still in my system. I woke up about 1:30 in a full panic attack when I realized that this really happened to us. We really go another friggin negative. A negative at the best flippin clinic in the country. What the hell?
Fair warning- I am angry right now and about to vent. I might offend you. Feel free to stop reading right here.
I just spent over $20,000 on this cycle. I gave up ALL caffeine, including my beloved chocolate. I missed a total of 15 days of work. I have been pumping drugs into my body for months that had side effects that ranged from a constant headache to spotting and constrant cramps. I have done literally HUNDREDS of injections. I have used just about every friend I have in order to make it possible for us to spend time out of town. We spent a total of 2 weeks in Denver and never saw any of the mountains or other amazing things that it has to offer. I have let my professional responsibilities slide. And all for what? NOTHING!
And let's not even start on the fairness of this all. I am YOUNG when it comes to people who go to CCRM. I am "only" freaking 34! We have learned of TWO teenage girls who are pregnant in the past month. REALLY? You have got to be kidding me. And after spending all of this money, we are NO CLOSER to knowing anything. We don't have the promise of a baby, and we have NO FLIPPING idea why it won't work?!
I hope that when we talk to the RE today or tomorrow he has some answers for us, but I am not thinking he will. EVERY Dr has told us that they simply don't know why it doesn't work for us. I have had EVERY test known to man over the past 10 yeas. I can't think of a SINGLE thing I can ask to do. But yet, I can't imagine walking away from our final embryo that is considered "normal" and is still frozen in Denver. Chris says there is NO WAY he will even consider doing anything. I guess I just want it to be all over. I don't want the knowledge of that embryo to hang over us.
And dont get me started about God. For the first time in years, I thought my faith was restored. No way. I can't believe that there is a God who would allow so much pain and suffering in the world. We had all of these people with strong faith praying for us. Everyone says that God has a plan. Well guess what? I don't buy it. I can't beleive in a God who allows teenagers with mental instability to get pregnant at the drop of a hat and strings along good people with the carrot of a possible pregnancy only to tear it away. I am done.
All I can say to my husband is I am sorry. Once again, I have robbed him of being a father. He is heartbroken and I don't know how to heal this. I love him more than I can ever say and yet once again I have put him in a place of terrible pain. This was supposed to be it dammit. This was supposed to be our chance to finally have the child we so desperately want. We've worked hard in life. And now we have spent our life savings and have NO money to even consider jumping into the adoption ring again. And if we want to transfer that remaining embryo? That will be another $6000 thank you.
You would think that I would get the hint. We are not destined to be parents. How many times to I have to be hit upside the head before I get out of the ring? When will I learn? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expected different results. I think this last cycle shows that I have definitely crossed over into the land of insanity.
One last soapbox before I try to go back to sleep- Please recognize infertility as a DISEASE. While many don't see it as life threatening, it is life altering. Please don't tell people to just relax or to take a vacation and it will all work out. You wouldn't tell someone dealing with diabetes that, now would you? It is a MEDICAL diagnosis that deserves to be treated as such. Please respect those around you who do not have children. You may not know their whole story. Don't ask people why they don't have children. You just don't know what pain might be behind that question.
I may regret this post in the morning, but I needed to get this all out in the hopes that it will help me sleep. Thank goodness I decided to take a sick day so that I can get myself together before I have to deal with my students. I have to get back on a regular schedule but that might take a few days until all of this crappy mediation is out of my system. And one more great thing... I will get the period from HELL in a few days. Isn't that the best present at the end of all of this?!
Going to try to get some sleep now...
Fair warning- I am angry right now and about to vent. I might offend you. Feel free to stop reading right here.
I just spent over $20,000 on this cycle. I gave up ALL caffeine, including my beloved chocolate. I missed a total of 15 days of work. I have been pumping drugs into my body for months that had side effects that ranged from a constant headache to spotting and constrant cramps. I have done literally HUNDREDS of injections. I have used just about every friend I have in order to make it possible for us to spend time out of town. We spent a total of 2 weeks in Denver and never saw any of the mountains or other amazing things that it has to offer. I have let my professional responsibilities slide. And all for what? NOTHING!
And let's not even start on the fairness of this all. I am YOUNG when it comes to people who go to CCRM. I am "only" freaking 34! We have learned of TWO teenage girls who are pregnant in the past month. REALLY? You have got to be kidding me. And after spending all of this money, we are NO CLOSER to knowing anything. We don't have the promise of a baby, and we have NO FLIPPING idea why it won't work?!
I hope that when we talk to the RE today or tomorrow he has some answers for us, but I am not thinking he will. EVERY Dr has told us that they simply don't know why it doesn't work for us. I have had EVERY test known to man over the past 10 yeas. I can't think of a SINGLE thing I can ask to do. But yet, I can't imagine walking away from our final embryo that is considered "normal" and is still frozen in Denver. Chris says there is NO WAY he will even consider doing anything. I guess I just want it to be all over. I don't want the knowledge of that embryo to hang over us.
And dont get me started about God. For the first time in years, I thought my faith was restored. No way. I can't believe that there is a God who would allow so much pain and suffering in the world. We had all of these people with strong faith praying for us. Everyone says that God has a plan. Well guess what? I don't buy it. I can't beleive in a God who allows teenagers with mental instability to get pregnant at the drop of a hat and strings along good people with the carrot of a possible pregnancy only to tear it away. I am done.
All I can say to my husband is I am sorry. Once again, I have robbed him of being a father. He is heartbroken and I don't know how to heal this. I love him more than I can ever say and yet once again I have put him in a place of terrible pain. This was supposed to be it dammit. This was supposed to be our chance to finally have the child we so desperately want. We've worked hard in life. And now we have spent our life savings and have NO money to even consider jumping into the adoption ring again. And if we want to transfer that remaining embryo? That will be another $6000 thank you.
You would think that I would get the hint. We are not destined to be parents. How many times to I have to be hit upside the head before I get out of the ring? When will I learn? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expected different results. I think this last cycle shows that I have definitely crossed over into the land of insanity.
One last soapbox before I try to go back to sleep- Please recognize infertility as a DISEASE. While many don't see it as life threatening, it is life altering. Please don't tell people to just relax or to take a vacation and it will all work out. You wouldn't tell someone dealing with diabetes that, now would you? It is a MEDICAL diagnosis that deserves to be treated as such. Please respect those around you who do not have children. You may not know their whole story. Don't ask people why they don't have children. You just don't know what pain might be behind that question.
I may regret this post in the morning, but I needed to get this all out in the hopes that it will help me sleep. Thank goodness I decided to take a sick day so that I can get myself together before I have to deal with my students. I have to get back on a regular schedule but that might take a few days until all of this crappy mediation is out of my system. And one more great thing... I will get the period from HELL in a few days. Isn't that the best present at the end of all of this?!
Going to try to get some sleep now...
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Negative
Once again, my hope for a miracle is for naught. Negative. Beta was less than 2. Not even a HINT of a positive. Dr is supposed to call us either tomorrow or Tuesday for a follow up. Chris is heartbroken. I am angry that I actually let myself think this might work.
Today is the DAY!
I am heading out the door in a few moments for my beta. I am shaking already, so it might be interesting to see how they are able to draw blood. I haven't taken any more HPT mostly because I couldn't stomach the thought of seeing another negative. I keep reminding myself that I have done all that I can at this point and it is out of my hands. I just wish I had a little more control!
I don't know what to think at this point. I am worried that my body is not absorbing the progesterone at the correct rate anymore. Chris is so sure that we will get a positive today. I was sure until yesterday. Chris has a meet today, so I am doing it solo today. That scares me too. He promised to come home if the news was not good.
Said my prayers this morning... nothing more I can do now. I will continue to pray for the strength to endure whatever the results may be. Did I mention that I am scared?
Ok... off I go!
I don't know what to think at this point. I am worried that my body is not absorbing the progesterone at the correct rate anymore. Chris is so sure that we will get a positive today. I was sure until yesterday. Chris has a meet today, so I am doing it solo today. That scares me too. He promised to come home if the news was not good.
Said my prayers this morning... nothing more I can do now. I will continue to pray for the strength to endure whatever the results may be. Did I mention that I am scared?
Ok... off I go!
Saturday, February 6, 2010
8dp5dt... a little less hopeful
So I did it this morning, I took the HPT at 4:30 am (yep, that is when I had to get up and pee) Now I was also up at 1:30. I was so hopeful that I would have a blazing positive and be able to share that moment with Chris. Not so much. Only one stinking line. I am trying hard to remain calm and not freak out yet. It could be too early. It just seems that pretty much everyone on the boards who has done the FET with normals, saw a +HPT by this time.
Part of me wishes I had waited and not done it yet. However, I am thankful to have 24 hours to prepare for my beta now. I was living in a fantasy world thinking that this time was different and it was really going to work. I have had two different dreams, and each one of them had a + hpt in it. Too bad that didn't transfer to my real life this morning.
I promised Chris I would stay positive and not count this as over yet. I am trying, really I am. Of course it doesn't help that he will be gone all day and home late tonight because he is at a swim meet all weekend. That means I am home alone trying to keep my mind busy so I don't obsess about the test this morning. I am wide awake at it is only 6:30 am. Hoping I will be able to fall back asleep at some point.
We've told so many people about this. There are so many people praying for us and thinking that this is our miracle. I am hoping that all of that positiveness will make our miracle really come true tomorrow.
Part of me wishes I had waited and not done it yet. However, I am thankful to have 24 hours to prepare for my beta now. I was living in a fantasy world thinking that this time was different and it was really going to work. I have had two different dreams, and each one of them had a + hpt in it. Too bad that didn't transfer to my real life this morning.
I promised Chris I would stay positive and not count this as over yet. I am trying, really I am. Of course it doesn't help that he will be gone all day and home late tonight because he is at a swim meet all weekend. That means I am home alone trying to keep my mind busy so I don't obsess about the test this morning. I am wide awake at it is only 6:30 am. Hoping I will be able to fall back asleep at some point.
We've told so many people about this. There are so many people praying for us and thinking that this is our miracle. I am hoping that all of that positiveness will make our miracle really come true tomorrow.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Friday night...
One day closer to knowing how this story will end...
I am so glad today is Friday and I don't have to deal with middle school students tomorrow. I might not have made it another day without harming someone! :) The kids have cabin fever and there is just a stress in the air. There are impending staff cuts for next year and the upcoming state tests to name two of the big stresses at school right now. I am so thankful that I have tenure and don't have to deal with the added stress of worrying about my job for next year. I am sad for some of my coworkers that are excellent teachers may lose their jobs due to bureaucracy and budget cuts.
Trying to watch some tv from last night to keep myself from thinking about whether or not I am pregnant. I fell asleep at 7:30 last night so I missed both Grey's and Private Practice. Romeo wants me to play frisbee with him in the worst way. He just doesn't seem to understand that mommy can't really play with him right now. I might have to sweet talk a few friends into coming over to play with him.
I seem to still have some symptoms/side effects today. The "girls" were REALLY sore when I went to bed last night. I had some serious cramping this morning on my drive into work. It's 6:30 and I am ready for bed.
While I hate being in this limbo land, I am living in the land of HOPE right now. I am hopeful that we will finally have our miracle. I am hopeful that we have done all that we could do to make this work, and that it will in fact work. I am hopeful that all of the sacrifices and hardships we've endured to make this IVF/FET possible will all be worth it. While I HATE being in limbo land, at least this time I am living in a HOPEFUL limbo land. :)
Ok, off to make some dinner and enjoy one more night of blissful ignorance...
I am so glad today is Friday and I don't have to deal with middle school students tomorrow. I might not have made it another day without harming someone! :) The kids have cabin fever and there is just a stress in the air. There are impending staff cuts for next year and the upcoming state tests to name two of the big stresses at school right now. I am so thankful that I have tenure and don't have to deal with the added stress of worrying about my job for next year. I am sad for some of my coworkers that are excellent teachers may lose their jobs due to bureaucracy and budget cuts.
Trying to watch some tv from last night to keep myself from thinking about whether or not I am pregnant. I fell asleep at 7:30 last night so I missed both Grey's and Private Practice. Romeo wants me to play frisbee with him in the worst way. He just doesn't seem to understand that mommy can't really play with him right now. I might have to sweet talk a few friends into coming over to play with him.
I seem to still have some symptoms/side effects today. The "girls" were REALLY sore when I went to bed last night. I had some serious cramping this morning on my drive into work. It's 6:30 and I am ready for bed.
While I hate being in this limbo land, I am living in the land of HOPE right now. I am hopeful that we will finally have our miracle. I am hopeful that we have done all that we could do to make this work, and that it will in fact work. I am hopeful that all of the sacrifices and hardships we've endured to make this IVF/FET possible will all be worth it. While I HATE being in limbo land, at least this time I am living in a HOPEFUL limbo land. :)
Ok, off to make some dinner and enjoy one more night of blissful ignorance...
Thursday, February 4, 2010
6dp5dt
Oh how I wish I could fast forward to Sunday. Today we are 6dp5dt- which means we are 6 days past a 5 day transfer. Our embryos were considered 5 days (or 6) old when we transferred them. In non-IVF terms, that means that I am 11 days past "ovulation". Sunday is our big day... the day I will have my blood test to see if our two little frosties decided to stick around or not.
I am REALLY tired today and have had a lower back pain for several days. I also have some tenderness in my "girls" so to speak. All signs that I could be pregnant, but also side effects of the medications I am on. I so wish there was a magic wand that could just tell you right away if the embryos were going to "stick". I wonder if some day the technology will be there that will allow just that to happen.
I am hopeful. I really am. I bought some HPTs yesterday but have resisted using them. As of this moment, my plan is to do it on Saturday morning. Chris has a meet through the weekend so we will not be together when we get the call on Sunday. I know that being with him at the meet is just not an option for me. If we get bad news, that will be the last place I will want to be. If it is good news, I am not sure that is where I want to be either. So, the plan is to do the HPT before so that we know what the blood test *should* show.
I forgot how hard this process is. Here we are at the home stretch. The news on Sunday will either give meaning to the past four years of my life, or will make me question what we are going to do from here.
Hoping I can keep my sanity for the next few days...
I am REALLY tired today and have had a lower back pain for several days. I also have some tenderness in my "girls" so to speak. All signs that I could be pregnant, but also side effects of the medications I am on. I so wish there was a magic wand that could just tell you right away if the embryos were going to "stick". I wonder if some day the technology will be there that will allow just that to happen.
I am hopeful. I really am. I bought some HPTs yesterday but have resisted using them. As of this moment, my plan is to do it on Saturday morning. Chris has a meet through the weekend so we will not be together when we get the call on Sunday. I know that being with him at the meet is just not an option for me. If we get bad news, that will be the last place I will want to be. If it is good news, I am not sure that is where I want to be either. So, the plan is to do the HPT before so that we know what the blood test *should* show.
I forgot how hard this process is. Here we are at the home stretch. The news on Sunday will either give meaning to the past four years of my life, or will make me question what we are going to do from here.
Hoping I can keep my sanity for the next few days...
Sunday, January 31, 2010
We survived bed rest!
We are heading home from Denver on an early am flight. I am happy to report that Chris and I survived the bed rest without anyone getting hurt. :) I have been a pretty good girl, and he has made sure I followed the directions to a tee. Friday and Saturday I was on a doctors orders to be in bed at no more than a 45 degree angle. That was the toughest part. I finished a book and watched lots of tv. Chris stayed in the living room and did his own thing.
I am still taking it easy today. Chris did allow me to go to the mall to get some lunch and then I did a little bit of walking. I am honestly stiff from being still so long. I am not much of a lounge lizard usually. I am also sore from the darn PIO shots, but if that is what it takes to make one of these embryos to stick, it will be worth it. We also went to see When in Rome. Very cute and Chris said it wasn't too bad. There were some good funny parts that even the guys in the theatre laughed at. We came back to the hotel and I took a nap. Chris is now off to TGIFridays to get some dinner.
It will be nice to be home tomorrow, but I am worried about being careful once we are home. I can't lift anything over 10 lbs and have to be careful with the dogs. I am taking Monday and Tuesday off from work and I am sure Chris plans on me being in bed or on the couch both days. I don't mind too much. I worry about being good when he goes to work at night. We haven't done an IVF since we got Romeo, and I am just going to have to ignore him a little. :(
Ok, back to watching the Grammys while I wait for Chris to get back with dinner.
I am still taking it easy today. Chris did allow me to go to the mall to get some lunch and then I did a little bit of walking. I am honestly stiff from being still so long. I am not much of a lounge lizard usually. I am also sore from the darn PIO shots, but if that is what it takes to make one of these embryos to stick, it will be worth it. We also went to see When in Rome. Very cute and Chris said it wasn't too bad. There were some good funny parts that even the guys in the theatre laughed at. We came back to the hotel and I took a nap. Chris is now off to TGIFridays to get some dinner.
It will be nice to be home tomorrow, but I am worried about being careful once we are home. I can't lift anything over 10 lbs and have to be careful with the dogs. I am taking Monday and Tuesday off from work and I am sure Chris plans on me being in bed or on the couch both days. I don't mind too much. I worry about being good when he goes to work at night. We haven't done an IVF since we got Romeo, and I am just going to have to ignore him a little. :(
Ok, back to watching the Grammys while I wait for Chris to get back with dinner.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Two Perfect Embryos
I am thrilled to report that we transferred two perfect looking embryos yesterday. Both embryos survived the thaw, were 100% reexpanding, and one was hatching and the other was about too. Chris was able to take a photo of them before they were transferred. Will be sure to add that photo later. Hoping that will truly be the first baby photo! :)
We did have a little scare last night. My progesterone levels were low when then checked them before the transfer. We got the call around 5 last night, so Chris had to meet my nurse back at the clinic to get some progesterone in oil. Not my favorite thing in the world, as these shots are given in the muscle, and the progesterone is very thick. I am dependent on someone else to give these to me. I am praying that they caught the low levels quick enough and that it will not impact implantation.
I did opt to do acupuncture before and after transfer. Didn't find it overally relaxing, but I hope that it helped relax my body and improve blood flow. Was not impressed with the acupuncturist, but the rest of the transfer staff were wonderful. There is a separate set of nurses who work in the surgery center. I felt very comfortable and cared for. The embryologist was also great and took the time to talk to us and answer our questions. My RE is really all business, and I am really fine with that. He did the transfer quickly and painlessly. He did comment that if we ever do another transfer in the future, he would suggest that I get two V.alium! LOL I do think that I was supposed to get the V.alium before my acupuncture so it had not fully set in bt the time it was time for my transfer. There were 11 transfers yesterday, so things were a little busy to say the least. Other than the v.alium, my care was excellent!
So now I am just hanging out at the hotel honoring my bedrest directions. I have to be on my back or side and no more than a 45 degree angle. I am typing thus with one hand as it is just too hard to stay at the right angle and type! Trying to stay VERY positive and encourage these two embryos to snuggle in and stay put. :)
We did have a little scare last night. My progesterone levels were low when then checked them before the transfer. We got the call around 5 last night, so Chris had to meet my nurse back at the clinic to get some progesterone in oil. Not my favorite thing in the world, as these shots are given in the muscle, and the progesterone is very thick. I am dependent on someone else to give these to me. I am praying that they caught the low levels quick enough and that it will not impact implantation.
I did opt to do acupuncture before and after transfer. Didn't find it overally relaxing, but I hope that it helped relax my body and improve blood flow. Was not impressed with the acupuncturist, but the rest of the transfer staff were wonderful. There is a separate set of nurses who work in the surgery center. I felt very comfortable and cared for. The embryologist was also great and took the time to talk to us and answer our questions. My RE is really all business, and I am really fine with that. He did the transfer quickly and painlessly. He did comment that if we ever do another transfer in the future, he would suggest that I get two V.alium! LOL I do think that I was supposed to get the V.alium before my acupuncture so it had not fully set in bt the time it was time for my transfer. There were 11 transfers yesterday, so things were a little busy to say the least. Other than the v.alium, my care was excellent!
So now I am just hanging out at the hotel honoring my bedrest directions. I have to be on my back or side and no more than a 45 degree angle. I am typing thus with one hand as it is just too hard to stay at the right angle and type! Trying to stay VERY positive and encourage these two embryos to snuggle in and stay put. :)
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Safe in Denver! :)
Just a quick post to say that we are safe and sound in Denver. Checked into hotel, made the Target run to stock the fridge, and had a nice dinner at PF Changs. Just chilling out at the hotel tonight. We walked the mall tonight as well in hopes of getting some blood flowing and in anticipation that I won't be doing much motion at all for the next few days.
I have moments of freak out, but right now I am pretty calm. We'll see what tomorrow brings! Thank you to all who are praying and keeping us in your thoughts. It means the world to us.
Tomorrow is THE day! :)
I have moments of freak out, but right now I am pretty calm. We'll see what tomorrow brings! Thank you to all who are praying and keeping us in your thoughts. It means the world to us.
Tomorrow is THE day! :)
Leaving on a Jet Plane
I should be sleeping right now. It is 5:15 in the morning which is even earlier than I get up for work. I've been up twice during the night and finally decided to get up and take care of the animals. My mind is racing at the realization that we are heading to Denver TODAY!
My nurse was off yesterday, so another nurse called to give me the final details for Friday. We have to be at the clinic at 11, and the actual transfer will be at 12:45. I have elected to have acupuncture before and after the transfer as well, so that is why we have to be there early. I am finishing a few medications today, but will stay on the patches, progesterone, and baby asprin through our pregnancy test and beyond if it is positive. Glad to be done with the steroids... those things tasted horrible!
I am so thankful for the amazing friends in our life. Louis and Jen are going to come and take care of the animals. They've known each one of the dogs and cat since they were babies, so I know they will take good care of them. Patches has had a rough few days, so I am still worried about leaving her. Louis is planning to stay here a few nights to make it easier on them and the dogs, too. I keep telling Patches that I need her to stick around for a little bit longer... I need her to get me through whatever happens at the end of this!'
I vacillate between moments of extreme calm and shear panic. I know that I have done everything I can do at this point, and it is simply out of my hands. I also know that we have fallen on the wrong side of the statistics time and time again. Part of me wishes I could just sleep through the next 10 days and wake up to find out how it all turned out. But most of me wants to relish this experience. I can only imagine all of the stories we can tell our children one day about what we endured in order to bring them into this world.
We upgraded to business class, so I am looking forward to that. Coming home from Denver in October was the first time I had ever done that. It is nice to feel special. :) Looking forward to having 4 1/2 days with Chris. That is a rarity for us at this time of the year. Hoping we don't get too far on each others nerves!
My nurse was off yesterday, so another nurse called to give me the final details for Friday. We have to be at the clinic at 11, and the actual transfer will be at 12:45. I have elected to have acupuncture before and after the transfer as well, so that is why we have to be there early. I am finishing a few medications today, but will stay on the patches, progesterone, and baby asprin through our pregnancy test and beyond if it is positive. Glad to be done with the steroids... those things tasted horrible!
I am so thankful for the amazing friends in our life. Louis and Jen are going to come and take care of the animals. They've known each one of the dogs and cat since they were babies, so I know they will take good care of them. Patches has had a rough few days, so I am still worried about leaving her. Louis is planning to stay here a few nights to make it easier on them and the dogs, too. I keep telling Patches that I need her to stick around for a little bit longer... I need her to get me through whatever happens at the end of this!'
I vacillate between moments of extreme calm and shear panic. I know that I have done everything I can do at this point, and it is simply out of my hands. I also know that we have fallen on the wrong side of the statistics time and time again. Part of me wishes I could just sleep through the next 10 days and wake up to find out how it all turned out. But most of me wants to relish this experience. I can only imagine all of the stories we can tell our children one day about what we endured in order to bring them into this world.
We upgraded to business class, so I am looking forward to that. Coming home from Denver in October was the first time I had ever done that. It is nice to feel special. :) Looking forward to having 4 1/2 days with Chris. That is a rarity for us at this time of the year. Hoping we don't get too far on each others nerves!
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
One more blood test down...
I had my final blood draw this morning before we head to Denver. This time they were checking my progesterone levels to make sure my body is absorbing it properly. It needed to be over 6, and it was 10.2. So we are good to go in that department too.
I had a panic attack this morning... I didn't sleep well last night and was up every few hours. Then I had to make the trip to the local clinic before school. I was out yesterday and worried about getting to school in time. And then there is the fact that I am scared to death about actually doing this FET. There is just so much riding on it. I am also overwhelmed with everything I need/want to get done before we go. I have to get sub plans together and make arrangements for the dogs. I have to pack. I need to clean. Now I am working myself into a frenzy again! Going to go get something done instead of sitting here... maybe that will make me feel better!
I had a panic attack this morning... I didn't sleep well last night and was up every few hours. Then I had to make the trip to the local clinic before school. I was out yesterday and worried about getting to school in time. And then there is the fact that I am scared to death about actually doing this FET. There is just so much riding on it. I am also overwhelmed with everything I need/want to get done before we go. I have to get sub plans together and make arrangements for the dogs. I have to pack. I need to clean. Now I am working myself into a frenzy again! Going to go get something done instead of sitting here... maybe that will make me feel better!
Monday, January 25, 2010
ALL CLEAR!
I was hoping to post this over the weekend, but Chris' team hosted their big swimming invitational this weekend. Spent more time at the pool this weekend than I have in the past 6 months it seemed!
Saturday morning I went in for bloodwork and an ultrasound. I was fortunate that the nurse that I really like at my local clinic did the ultrasound instead of the tech that is there during the week. I *really* don't like the tech at all! The nurse showed me everything on the screen as we went along, so I knew we had the all clear before my CC.RM nurse called. My lining was at 9.5. (They want it over 8) and my estrogen was over 400. Looks like the patches did their thing. I was worried about this appointment, but it looks like my body might just be playing along this time. The nurse also checked my ovaries and said they are cyst free, which is another really good thing!
So onto phase two of the process. I am now on progesterone support in the form of endometrium three times a day, tetracycline 4 times a day, and a steroid medrol at bedtime. I like to think of this cocktail as the "anti rejection meds". I have one more local blood draw tomorrow to make sure my body is absorbing the progesterone. Don't really want to add progesterone injections, but if my levels are too low, that might happen. I have had low progesterone issues in the past, so I am glad that they are checking it now.
I decided to stay home today and feel a little guilty since I will be missing 4 days to go to Colorado, but I know that I need to be in the best health possible. I had a terrible cough yesterday afternoon and evening and just didn't want to risk it getting worse. Chris and I both think it is due to the poor air quality at the pool. The team has ordered an air purification system but it won't be installed for some time. I didn't get out of bed until 11 this morning, so I am guessing my body simply needed the sleep. I have to make my health and this process my top priority and that might mean that my job has to suffer. That is hard for this type A person to deal with, but I am getting better.
So we will head to Denver on Thursday. We'll have a good dinner and buy some necessities for me to survive two days of bedrest. Then Friday afternoon sometime I will have the transfer. We'll hang out at the hotel over the weekend, and then head home on Monday morning. Chris asked me to take one extra day off from work, so I will return to work on Wednesday.
Trying to get a few things done around the house in preperation for being gone and the fact that I am on a lifting restriction when I get home. Trying to keep my sanity over the next few weeks might be the hardest part of all of this!
Saturday morning I went in for bloodwork and an ultrasound. I was fortunate that the nurse that I really like at my local clinic did the ultrasound instead of the tech that is there during the week. I *really* don't like the tech at all! The nurse showed me everything on the screen as we went along, so I knew we had the all clear before my CC.RM nurse called. My lining was at 9.5. (They want it over 8) and my estrogen was over 400. Looks like the patches did their thing. I was worried about this appointment, but it looks like my body might just be playing along this time. The nurse also checked my ovaries and said they are cyst free, which is another really good thing!
So onto phase two of the process. I am now on progesterone support in the form of endometrium three times a day, tetracycline 4 times a day, and a steroid medrol at bedtime. I like to think of this cocktail as the "anti rejection meds". I have one more local blood draw tomorrow to make sure my body is absorbing the progesterone. Don't really want to add progesterone injections, but if my levels are too low, that might happen. I have had low progesterone issues in the past, so I am glad that they are checking it now.
I decided to stay home today and feel a little guilty since I will be missing 4 days to go to Colorado, but I know that I need to be in the best health possible. I had a terrible cough yesterday afternoon and evening and just didn't want to risk it getting worse. Chris and I both think it is due to the poor air quality at the pool. The team has ordered an air purification system but it won't be installed for some time. I didn't get out of bed until 11 this morning, so I am guessing my body simply needed the sleep. I have to make my health and this process my top priority and that might mean that my job has to suffer. That is hard for this type A person to deal with, but I am getting better.
So we will head to Denver on Thursday. We'll have a good dinner and buy some necessities for me to survive two days of bedrest. Then Friday afternoon sometime I will have the transfer. We'll hang out at the hotel over the weekend, and then head home on Monday morning. Chris asked me to take one extra day off from work, so I will return to work on Wednesday.
Trying to get a few things done around the house in preperation for being gone and the fact that I am on a lifting restriction when I get home. Trying to keep my sanity over the next few weeks might be the hardest part of all of this!
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