The Year 2011- brought to you by the word Limbo!

2011 is coming to a close.  And I can't say that I am sorry to see the year go.  It wasn't as rough as 2010, but it definitely had its moments.  And way too much time in limbo land...

The major limbo- our adoption process.  We finally got through the paperwork and got our homestudy approved in May.  Then we couldn't decide which route to take for our next steps.  We finally chose our attorney and have been happy with that choice.  Each and every day is a day of limbo now- we place ads, we network, we hope, and we wait.  Our lives could change in an instant- or in months, years from now...  Really hoping that 2012 is our year.

Then there was my job.  I really adore my principal and my colleagues, but don't love my job anymore the way I used to.  I love technology and teaching others to use it in the classroom and spent lots of time last school year training other staff.  I was so very hopeful that I would be a new position this fall and spent most of the summer in limbo over that.  It wasn't until right before school started that I learned that I would in fact be returning to my same position in the classroom.  The woman that was hired for the position is not meeting the expectations of the staff, and it's been a tough fall in that department.  I had planned to start another master's program if they had placed me in the position, but we made the decision that the timing isn't right for me to do that right now.  (See above...adoption limbo!)

And then there was the surprise pregnancy and miscarriage all wrapped up in one this spring/summer.  I knew it was over even as it began, but it was a tough few days at first with little glimmers of hope.  And then it was the miscarriage that wouldn't end.  I spent months of weekly blood work waiting for the damn HCG levels to drop.  We were paralyzed from making any adoption plans as my body healed and we came to terms to yet another loss.

Which brings me to today.  We're in limbo again.  It seems I've managed to get myself a "little" pregnant again.  Yep, you read that right.  We're currently in pregnancy limbo again- again a total surprise.  I skipped the RE this time and went right to an OB, trying hard to act like a normal person- not someone who has endured all that we have.  I had two positive HPTs on December 30th and they got me in right away today.  I don't have any lab results- and won't until Tuesday.  They did an u/s and saw "something" but nothing measurable yet. The u/s tech said that everything looks promising but early.  Even though I know the date of my last AF, having PCOS- that doesn't mean a thing.  The OB is very old school, and for now that is fine with me.  He put me on progesterone and baby aspirin as an "it can't hurt" treatment.  I'm already on Fo.late.  Could I be more aggressive?  Sure- but for now this is our plan and we've made peace with it.

I go back Tuesday for repeat labs and have another u/s scheduled for Friday dependent on Tuesday's results.  We have a glimmer of hope- but we really know how this turns out for us every.single.other.time.  So if you have some hope to share, feel free to send it our way.  We have adoption ads running in local papers again this week.  I refuse to let this paralyze us again. I pray that we have some resolutions one way or another in the next week.  I know it will be touch and go for some time, but I would like to have some light to know which way this is going to end up.

Let's hope that 2012 brings us a child- one way or another.  I can't handle another year like this!

Post Holiday Ramblings

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday.  I had some tense moments where I just felt sad, but all in all, it was a really nice few days.  Chris and I had some quality time together- which is really a premium right now.  We spent Christmas Eve night with our good friends and their family.  I even spent some time holding Miriam's new great nephew.  It feel so right to hold a tiny little one.  I hope that's a sign that the time for my own precious little one is coming very soon.  Chris was the life of the party and enjoyed himself a little too much.  :)

Christmas Day was spent at home just the two of us.  It was nice, but I had moments of sadness mixed with happiness.  I long for a Christmas that includes a child.  I also longed for the Christmas past that involved my family.  I was regretting my decision to spend another year estranged from them.  But after talking to my cousin today, I know that it is still the best decision for Chris and I.  The Christmases of my childhood are a distant memory.  Now it is time for me to embrace our new life and making new traditions.  The mental health of my family members is still less than ideal- to put it mildly.  I hope that one day I can have a relationship with them again, but know that enough time has not yet passed. 

We plopped down another $250 for the second week of our ad this month.  It will run starting tomorrow.  We're also running an ad on Face.book and have picked up a few likes as a result.  I am so hopeful and resigned all at the same time.  I've had to share our story and explain our adoption process several times over the past week.  While it's great to get it out there to more people, it stings a little each time I have to share it.  I don't want to be an ambassador for adoption.  I want to be a mom through adoption.  There are so many misconceptions about the adoption process, and I've done a great deal of education too.  I am by far not an expert- but I've shared what little knowledge we have.

We've had a few people reach out to us after getting our holiday card.  One is a former swimmer who now works with an organization that works with college students facing an unwanted pregnancy.  Another has an aunt who works in the foster care system in another state.  Somehow one of these many connections has to come through for us, right?

Chris is working crazy hours over break doing private lessons to help add to our adoption fund.  I miss him dearly, and wish that he had left at least one afternoon open for us to spend time together.  I know that he needs to feel he is contributing as much as I am with PB Creations.  We are going out to dinner with some friends on Thursday and have plans with Miriam & John for New Year's. 

So, I am spending the time cleaning the disaster zone that is my studio.  The whirlwind that was December made a big mess.  Also hoping to get my etsy shop restocked with Valentine's items and general items.  I also need to get invitations for a friend's wedding done.  I have plenty to keep me busy.  I just wish we had time to spend together.

At least it's not a year ago when I was a cleaning machine getting ready for our first homestudy visit!  I did come to the realization that soon we'll need to talk about renewing our homestudy and figure out what that entails.  At least we have some time for that. 

I'll leave you with a photo of myself, Karin, & Miriam on Christmas Eve.  It was several takes before we even got one photo that didn't include closed eyes or a random person behind us...

Dear Santa

It's Christmas Eve once again. 

And I'm having many of the same thoughts I've had on this day for years.

On a day that once held so much magic for me as a child, I am torn between feelings of sadness and hope.  Our life is full of so many blessings.  We're surrounded by so many children.  We've seen many grow up into amazing young adults.  We've been able to experience their lives in a supporting role.  We've got children in our lives that we care for on a daily basis.  We have so  many hopes and dreams for our swimmers and students.  We have close friends' children who are like family to us that we will share this holiday with.  But we're missing the big piece- a child that calls us mom and dad.

While my faith is wavering, I do believe fully in the Christmas Spirit.  I want to have that magical feeling I had a a child return to our home as we embrace new traditions as a family.  I want to leave cookies for Santa and sprinkle reindeer food on the lawn.  I want to have matching Christmas pajamas and cuddle up watching The Polar Express.  I want to see the sparkle in Chris' eye as he watches our children open up presents from Santa.

So Santa, there's just one wish on my Christmas list... and I think you know what it is!

~~~~~~

Wishing you all a very happy holiday. 

Rewind... that darn H word

Mel posted earlier this week about the new Presidential Family portrait and the fact that the last one was taken two years ago.  She asked us all to reflect at where we were at two years ago.  I wish I hadn't looked. 

You see, two years ago we were full of HOPE.  You can read the post here.  I had just finished a month long drug protocol that had made me miserable, but we were so sure that it was the final piece to our IVF.  We learned that we had three normal blasts from our final IVF and were preparing to transfer them in January.  I was so sure that it was going to work.  I remember being so very hopeful for the first time in years.  Everything was falling nicely into place.  I was able to stomach the holidays because I was finally off the horrible drug, and I was so sure that it was going to be a final childless holiday.

For those of you who have read my blog for some time, you know how that all turned out.  If you'd like to refresh your memory- read this.  I came crashing down from my HOPE high really hard. 

But I've moved on, right? We're moving forward and healing from that negative and the devastating miscarriage that came months later after we transferred our final blasts.  We've closed that chapter of our life.  We're moving on and are actively trying to adopt.  We're hopeful again....

And that's where I slammed on the brakes.  Here I am, two years later, blissfully hopeful that this will once again be our last childless Christmas.  I am full of hope that we will become parents through adoption.  Everything is falling into place.  But am I setting myself up to fall again?

Other than the one situation that was a "hand me down" from another couple who had already been matched, we have not had a single call on our own 800 number.  There has been no interest.  After hearing of the two expectant mothers over a month ago, we are getting radio silence now.  Before you tell me it hasn't been that long- I know.  I know that we've only been fully active since September.  I know that we've only run our first newspaper ads last week.  But we've been out there- telling everyone we know.  We've sent out mailings, we have a website and a face.book page.  It was a year ago that we fully started the process with our first homestudy meeting.

I think the waiting would be so much easier to take if I knew that there would be a happy ending.  It's been more than 11 years since we started trying to have a family.  I just don't know how much longer I can wait without losing myself.  I've realized that the unknown timeline or even IF it will all work out is starting to eat away at me.  I don't like the person I am right now.  I am overwhelmed and underwhelmed all at the same time.  I am sad when I think about what the past 2 years have held for us- so much sadness and loss. 

For now I am holding onto hope.  Hope that we will finally have our family.  Hope that I will be able to embrace motherhood after yearning for so long.  Hope that Chris and I will be good parents.  Hope that we won't have our hearts broken again in the process.  Hope that an expectant mother will choose us and that we will be parents in 2012.

HOPE better not let me down this time.  I'm not going to take it lightly this time!

Lights of Gratitude

As I write this, I am sitting in a dark living room with just the Christmas tree lights on.  I've done this since I was a small child.  I simply love the glow of the tree and there is just a sense of peace and calm that comes from seeing the glow emanating from the tree. 

Someone in my FB newsfeed posted something about having as many things to be thankful for as there are lights on their tree.  I'm frustrated I can't find the correct wording- as it is perfect for this post. As I sit here taking in the glow of our tree, my heart is so full of gratitude for those who have supported us.  In just the last week, so many have come forward to provide support for our adoption journey.

First off, thank you for each of you who raced over to my etsy shop after my shameless commercial and placed an order.  My fingers will be busy getting all of the orders out this week.  I am hopeful that I can cover the costs of our advertising each month with my etsy shop and other orders.  Each little bit helps.  Creating also feeds my soul, so it's really a win-win.

We were blown away by the generous gift from one of our swim team families.  Chris has coached their daughter for five years and she is currently a senior in high school.  She has signed with a Division I college to swim in the fall.  They wrote us a beautiful letter of recommendation for our homestudy last fall and now wrote us a generous check just as a thank you for all Chris has done for their daughter.  It was totally unexpected and we are still trying to figure out how to thank them for this gift. 

I'd also like to shout out to The Zoo who thought of my little etsy shop when she won some ad space over at The Lovely Poppy and didn't think she'd use it.  She passed her winnings on to me and Nicole The Lovely Poppy has agreed to allow me to place an ad there in her place.  I am so touched that S. over at The Zoo thought of me for this opportunity.  I've talked to Nicole and I think my ad will start up after the first of the year.  Be sure to go over and check The Lovely Poppy out!  She has a beautiful blog and shop!

Another coworker sent me a message telling me that her prayer group had received word of a young girl who learned she was pregnant and was weighing her options.  She asked me if she could add us to the prayer list of the group and share our contact information in the hopes that our two situations might connect.  This coworker is dealing with some health issues herself, and for her to think of us just touched my heart in so many ways.

I've had so much support for PB Creations through work contacts and friends alike.  We would NOT be able to move forward with our adoption plan if it weren't for the extra income from PB Creations.  I have many orders to fill this week and while I am a little stressed about getting it all done, I am so thankful for the work.  It will keep my hands and head busy and keep my heart full as we go into the holiday season. 

It's no secret that the holidays are hard for those who yearn to be parents.  My hope is that I can focus on the gifts we've been given and not dwell on the missing piece.  I want to keep this post upbeat- so I will save my thoughts on this being "the last holiday" for another post.  For now, I am going to take a moment to take in the glow from the tree knowing that each one of those lights represents a hope and wish from those who support us in our quest to become parents.


~~~~~~~~~~~

We ran our first ads this week in the local papers. I am so excited that through my research I learned that most papers do things alphabetically.  Thanks to some reading I did- I knew to put "A baby to love- Adoption" rather than just adoption as our header.  This made us the first ad in the section- above those who spent extra money for clip art and such.  I am pretty pleased with myself!  We had a little bit of sticker shock when we hit the submit button- the ad will run for a week at the expense of $250.  I still question if that is the best avenue in this day and age- do people really read papers?  But our attorney assures us that this is something we need to do.  We also got a week online with the newspaper as part of the deal- so I guess we are getting the online exposure too.

Here is the online version of the ad: Coach & Teacher  (This will only work for a few more days until our ad expires)  The print version is MUCH shorter- as in 4 lines!  For those of you local, it ran in the Sun Times and the News Sun as well as some of the suburban papers. 

Shameless Commercial

I've been a bad blogger over the past two weeks- I have lots of posts written in my head and just haven't sat down to get them all out.  Just watch out when I get the chance... you'll be bombarded with the swirling storm of thoughts that is currently residing in my brain! 

In the mean time, would you please take a moment to check out my etsy shop?  I'd like to raise enough funds to cover our January Advertising costs- approximately $600.  I've sold almost $300 at this point, but would love to meet my goal well before the holidays.  Could you also spread the word?

You can find my shop at:  PB Creations.  You can find lots of holiday cards as well as gift ideas.  I'll be adding some new inventory over the weekend too. 

Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Thankful

We've already been out on this Thanksgiving Day for our annual turkey trot and breakfast.  I wasn't up to running this year, and am sad that I didn't work harder to get ready.  But I am thankful for the tradition and enjoyed being a spectator and watching Chris cheer on the many swim team kids and parents who came out to run the race.  Chris finished in a good time for him- just over 24 minutes.  We enjoyed breakfast at Denny's as a post race treat.

We have so much to be thankful for this year.  I am trying really hard to focus on that.  We have amazing friends who love and support us in so many ways.  Chris and I both have careers that we love (even if I'm frustrated with it right now).  We own our house that we've worked to make a home we are proud of.  We have food on our table and all of our basic needs are more than met.  We have a strong marriage based on love and respect.  We are blessed.

Yet, my heart is heavy today.  Thanksgiving brings reminders of loss and heartbreak too.   In 2002, I lost my beloved Grandfather right after Thanksgiving and then went on to have an ectopic pregnancy.  We've had more than one Thanksgiving where we were reeling from a failed cycle.  Two years ago I was on Dep.ot Lu.pron preparing for our final FET.  I was in so much pain that day- I cramped and bled for two straight months on that drug protocol.  Last year we were still so raw from our miscarriage the month before.  

And then there is the simple fact of the marking of time.  Each holiday marks another year.  Another year that we say, "This will be the last Thanksgiving (Christmas, 4th of July, etc...) that it's just the two of us."  And then the next year comes and it is STILL just the two of us.  We are so blessed.  We have a good life- but we'd give just about anything to be parents at this point.  We have so much to share with a child. We are so very hopeful that we will be given that gift through the miracle of open adoption.  We pray each and every day that a mother will choose us for that gift.


We're also marking another year that we have chosen to distance ourselves from my family.  I am sad that I won't be sharing this holiday, but I know that this is what is best for Chris and I right now.  We are so very fortunate to have friends who have taken us in as part of their family and we will spend our Thanksgiving surrounded by those who love and support us.  That's more important than anything right now. 


Wishing you all a very Happy Thanksgiving surrounded by those who love and support you. 

November ICLW

Welcome to my little piece of the blogosphere. 

We are officially a "waiting family" in our journey to become parents through domestic adoption.  We've been on this long winding path to parenthood for more than a decade.  We've had some serious heartbreak and can't even begin to tell you our entire bumpy road here in a single post.  If you are new here, you can see our timeline above and get the down and dirty 411. 

We are hopeful once again that we WILL become parents through the gift of adoption.  The upcoming holidays are tough ones for us as they are loaded with loss anniversaries as well as the burden of yet another year passing us by. 

I am a teacher by day, and have an especially challenging student this year.  It's made for some added stress this fall that I am not really happy about.  My husband is a swim coach and we are very close to several of our swim families.  They are more like family to us than those who we are actually blood related to. 

I have a creative side that feeds my soul, and also is helping support our adoption fund.  You can check out my etsy shop at www.virtue75.etsy.com.  It makes me happy to create, and hopefully we can help offset the high cost of adoption as well.  We depleted all of our savings with a last ditch IVF that was *almost* a success. 

I have only a two day work week- so hopefully I will be able to post more this week and get to know some new bloggers too.  I am forever grateful for Mel and the entire ALI blogging community for the support over the past several years.  I don't think I would have kept my sanity if I didn't have this amazing outlet and kind words from those who read my rambilings.

Hoping you all have a wonderful day!

Facing another fear.... rejection

As you can guess from the title of the post, the expectant mother has chosen to work with the other couple.  And we know that it is for the best.  We weren't sure that this was the right situation for us when we took the time to think about it.  We know in our heads that this is all part of the process.

But man, it does sting a little.  One of the scariest parts of jumping into domestic adoption for me was my fear of rejection.  It's no secret that I've had some self esteem issues in the past and then add more than 10 years of failed infertility treatment...  It's a bitter hard pill to swallow that this mom didn't choose us.

Now, I KNOW that the right situation will come along... I really do.  As I said, I am not sure that we would have pursued this situation if we had been chosen. But I am having a hard time coming to terms that we were rejected. 

I know in terms of adoption timelines, this was quick.  I know that.  But is it wrong that I was hoping that just once in our life that we would be on the "easy" path? 

Trying not to dwell on this too long.  Too much to get done this week. 

But I think I should get a gold star for facing two of my big fears in less than 24 hours...

Facing my Phone Phobia

I've always had this thing about the phone.  I love talking to friends on the phone, but making a call to make an appointment, or another "cold call" is another story.  I would beg my mom in my college years to call and make doctor and hair appointments for me. It took me months to work up the courage to call our last IVF clinic.  I am an outgoing person for the most part, but I have some unexplainable fear of making cold calls.


Why am I telling you all of this?


I had to face this fear head on today.  You see, a expectant mother wanted Chris and I to call her.  She spoke to our attorney and has looked at our profile.  Our attorney gave us some information about her as well, and told her that we would call.  I got the message while at school and was able to sneak out early and get home early.  Chris and I called together.


We had a nice conversation with her.  I won't go into details, but it went well.  We only talked for a few moments.  She is also talking to another couple from our attorney.  She told us that she is going to think it over and get back to us in a week or so.  She has placed another child in the past, so she knows what she needs. 


There are still lots of questions if this is the right situation for us and this mom.  It's the very first situation that we've been presented.  Our attorney actually sent out our profile to another expectant mom on Friday.

I was starting to feel overwhelmed with all of the marketing I wanted to do.  This makes me feel like what I have done is getting us out there. 

Please keep us in your thoughts over the coming weeks. I hope that our decisions will be guided by what is best for us and everyone else involved.

Anyone have any words of wisdom for us?

Colorado is on my mind...

No, we're not heading back to CC.RM.  I really do hope we get the opportunity in the future for a sibling, but it's not in the cards for us right now. I am really, really, hopeful about our adoption plans.  I am in a good place... today.  I believe with all my heart that our baby is out there- and that we will finally be a family through the gift of adoption. 

While we were not successful at CC.RM, we were given a true love.  It seems that both Chris and I have fallen in love with the great state of Colorado.  We daydream of one day moving out there.  I'd like to at least be able to take a nice long vacation to visit all of the beauty that the state has to offer.  How many people can say that they've been to Colorado FOUR times and not witnessed much of its beauty?  I did get to take in the sunshine and the amazing landscapes- from the window of various hotel suites while on bedrest!

What brought on this longing for the great state of Colorado you might ask?

This text from my husband did:

"Wouldn't it suck to wake up to this every morning?"

You see, Chris is in the lovely state of Colorado RIGHT NOW.  Without me.  And I am a little bitter and jealous that he is out there making new memories that don't involve infertility. He's getting to experience some of the million other things that Colorado has to offer other than one of the world's greatest IVF clinics.

All joking aside, I am thrilled for him.  One of our very talented swimmers was asked to attend the National Select Camp at the Olympic Training Center in Colorado Springs.  As part of the program, they ask the coach to come with the swimmer and participate in some advanced coaching clinics.  It's an amazing opportunity for both our swimmer and Chris.  He's staying at the training center and working with the same staff that trains our Olympic team.  The food is apparently amazing too- all provided by the nutritionists/chefs employed by the OTC.  He has already learned so much and has another two days of training still to come.  He and our swimmer even got the chance to go see a few sites before the camp started on Thursday.

Our swimmer looking very serious within the Olympic Rings

So for now, I am experiencing some of the wonders of Colorado through the text messages and emails from Chris.  While there are no vacation plans in our near future due to our adoption costs, I hope to one day very soon be able to see those mountains and sunshine again with my own eyes.  I want to make some new memories of the Centennial State.  Hopefully it will be one of our first family vacations and my new memories will involve sharing our love of the state with our child.

1-888-oh my goodness!

First off, thank you for your kind words about the article.  We've had a few hits on our etsy site and a few well meaning emails.  But no crazy hate email- so I am feeling it was a successful article.

It's been a few weeks since I last posted- but with good reason.  I've been crazy busy with my card business and moving forward with our adoption plans.  I feel like we've moved light years in just the past two weeks!

As you might guess, we are finally the proud owners of an 888 number.  I feel like I've been talking about getting this for the past year.  Next to an actual adoption placement, I feel like this has been the one thing we've been chasing.  And now we have it... Yikes!

Let me back up a little.  We met with our attorney and her marketing person on October 12.  I have lots to say about the meeting- but I'll sum it up in a few sentences.  We adore our attorney.  She's down to earth and has a true heart for adoption.  She is laid back and fits us well.  We didn't feel as empowered with the marketing person, but she has been quick to reply to emails and has worked well with us.  We're overachievers and had most of what we needed done already.  I've done some research over the past several months so I was ahead of the game.  I've actually given her leads on websites and the such. 

We had to create a photo book for the attorney to keep in her office for when she meets with potential birth parents.  We also had to have our paper profile approved by the marketing person.  I finished both of those tasks this week.  It was stressful- everything I kept reading just said that you needed to have your book/letter "reflect who you are" and that was about all the guidance we had.  I tried to balance my need for perfection and clean design with what a potential birth parent might feel comfortable reading.  In the end, I am pretty happy with the end product for both the photo book and our letters. 

We've asked a friend who works for an ink company to print our letter for us.  We're starting to embrace the notion that we have to ask for help.  We're proud people, but the costs of adoption are high and we have to use our resources wisely.  We are so blessed to be surrounded by so many amazing people who want to help us in any way they can.  We just have to ask.  Another family has assisted us with some financing for our initial payments to the attorney and the marketing firm.  Again, they were overjoyed to be able to help us.

Our 888 number is now listed on all of our websites and our paper profile.  Next step is to get some business cards and the write our ads.  We are supposed to start placing ads by next month.  Again, it's about gathering resources and making the right choices.  But we are moving forward.

Baby steps to our baby, right?

Article

Thank you once again for the outpouring of support.  It means the world to me!

I scanned in the actual article from the newspaper.  It's a little grainy, but for those of you who can't see it online, you should be able to read it.  Just click on the image and it will show up in a new window.

We've had a good response so far.  No leads, but no crazy emails, either.  One woman telling me all about Re.solve.  Yep, I know about Res.olve.  Thanks!  :)

We are meeting with our attorney tomorrow.  Looking forward to *really* getting things moving!

No time for a long post tonight... have several card orders that I have to fill tonight. 

Excitement shifted to PANIC- Update

I am starting to panic about our story being in print tomorrow.  It may even be online this afternoon.  I've shifted from excitement to panic.  Please remind me that even if we get 100+ hate emails, there could be the one email that brings us our miracle.  That's all worth it, right?

I don't want this blog linked to the article- just in case.  So I don't think I'll post a direct link- but I will give you some info to do a little search.  The local paper is called the Dail.y He.rald and the columnist who wrote our article is Bu.rt Con.stable.  I spoke to him just a few moments ago and I feel good about what he "got" from our interview.  Let's hope it's perceived that way by the general public.  There will be photos, and with a pretty uncommon first name, people will be able to connect the dots.

Ok- now off to grade papers and complete some card orders.  He's also linking my online store.  So I guess I better get that stocked too.  If only I could focus....

~~~~~~

Article is now online.  It has a photo of Chris and I and uses our last names.  It's very personal and gives lots of details.  But it is honest and respectful.  You can only see the entire article if you are a subscriber, but I was able to read it in parts around the subscriber blocker.  :)  My heart is pounding right now.  Please let this be recieved well.  Please let me not regret including our adoption contact information and a link to my etsy store.  Please let this bring more GOOD into our life than hate.

And for a little irony- The story right after ours is about the woman who ran the Chicago Marathon and gave birth right afterwards.  Awesome, huh? :)

Sharing our Story

First of all,  Thank You.  Thank you for your kind words and positive energy over the past few days.  I know I've said it before, but I really don't know what I would do without my virtual support group.  I am so thankful to have found the ALI community.  While infertility is often a taboo subject in real life, I can always share my real feelings and emotions here and know that there is someone who gets it.  Thank you for being my "get it" girls!

I'm fortunate to have a few real life friends who really try to get where I am coming from.  They've cared for me and protected me from the angry fertiles of the world.  But I've also felt a need to educate those about what infertility is all about.  I've been rather open about our struggles and now about our adoption plan.  I am far from an activist, but I feel a sense of obligation to represent the life of an infertile.  The media portrays us in such a negative light and there are so many misconceptions about the processes involved in IVF and Adoption. 


We spent yesterday morning with a columnist for a local paper sharing our story.  An amazing woman set it all in motion. She filled in for me as a substitute teacher a year ago while I was dealing with our miscarriage. She came to me a few weeks ago asking me if it would be okay if she sent an email to a few contacts at local newpapers about us.  She has always wanted to do something more for us, and thought this might lead to something.  I graciously accepted her help, but really didn't think anything would come of it.  I mean, who would think we were a story worth writing?

Apparently we are somewhat interesting.  The columnist wanted to write about modern infertility, and the email came at just the right time.  He wanted to show the real side of infertility & adoption that has been overshadowed by women like octo.mom and Ange.lina J.olie.  He wanted to write a story to expose  some of myths surrounding IVF and adoption.  This was exactly the mission I'd been on.  He also agreed to share our adoption information within the article and include a photo or two of us.

We talked for almost two hours, sharing just about every detail of our life over the past ten years.  He asked questions that were respectful and showed that he really wanted to share our story in a positive light.  I am of course a little nervous about what silly comment I may have made that could be taken out of context, but hopeful that in the end it will all come together.  I am a little worried that we talked too much about our infertility and not enough about adoption- but that's what I know. I am an "expert" at infertility and a newbie in terms of adoption.  Hopefully I won't offend the adoption community with anything I said.

The article is supposed to run this week.  I am excited and nervous.  Of course I started to think about what comments will be posted on the online version of the article, and started to hyperventilate.  But then Chris reminded me of the S.NL skit from the last week that showed people who comment online.  Made me laugh and hopefully will keep me from even reading the comments.  I'll be sure to post a link here once it's online so that all of you can go and defend me if need be.  :)

Hoping that spending the day actively sharing our story was the best way to honor our miscarriage a year later.

More thoughts on our adoption plans for another post.  We're meeting with our attorney on Wednesday to get our 800 number and marketing plan rolling.  Yikes!

Realzing that I've used the word hope in some form MANY times in this post.  Could it be that I am just feeling a little hopeful? 

Good Thoughts

Just a quick post and a favor.

Can you please think some good thoughts for me today?  We have lots of amazing things happening on the adoption front, but today is going to be a tough day for me.

It was a year ago at the very inservice I am attending today that my world fell apart when we miscarried.  It happened at school, and I just don't know how I am going to feel when I walk into the building this morning.  I am feeling pretty strong right now, but I know that can all change.  I have to somehow figure out how to focus on the tasks today, which could be a big challenge.

So if you have some extra positive energy today, can you send it my way?

~~~~~

Thank you for all of your sweet comments.  I read them throughout the day on my phone, and it definitely made a tough day much more bearable.  I survived with only one little melt down at lunch but one of my dearest friends agreed to have lunch just to two of us and it helped tons. 

I think I've made it through the day.  Tomorrow will be tough too- but we have some exciting things to do, so that will help.  I'll share more about that this weekend.

Thank you again from the very depth of my soul.

Sense of Peace

I think I might really be finding some peace with our infertility journey coming to a close and the hope of adoption.  It's funny how things like this sneak up on you.  While I am still having some breathtaking moments when I think of Friday's upcoming date, I am feeling more hope than grief.  If you would have told me that 6 months ago, I would have laughed (and then cried) in your face.

I spent 30 wonderful moments holding my friend's 3 week old baby yesterday.  You might remember me talking about meeting this little guy in this post.  She came into school yesterday for a surprise visit, and I was thrilled to get the chance to hold him during my lunch period.  (He didn't go near ANY of our students- he was only in the Teacher's lounge and the counselors office.  Way too many germs in other places!!!)

As I sat holding this little miracle, I just felt a sense of peace come over me.  He was content in my arms until he decided he was hungry.  He even spent a few moments cooing with his eyes open.  It was magical.  Not one other teacher dared to take this little guy out of my arms.  I think they all knew that I was having a moment.

While I will always have some sadness over our losses and our years of unsuccessful treatment, I think I might really be ready to heal.  I am hopeful that we will have our own little miracle very soon through adoption.  In the meantime, I think I'll just try to spend oodles of time with this little guy and try to learn all that I can about being a mom.

And after hearing about my friend's issues with delivery and the subsequent healing necessary in her lady parts, maybe giving birth isn't all it's cracked up to be...

Blogoversary Winner and Ramblings

First off, thank you for participating in my blogoversary post!  I loved reading all about where you all were 9 years ago.  Thanks for sharing! I used random.org to come up with a random winner and it chose #12- missohkay!  Please email me and let me know what name you'd like on your custom cards and where to send them.  So thrilled to make them up for you!

Lots of thoughts running through my brain tonight.  I've had several topics pop into my brain for blog posts, but those will have to wait for tonight.  Tonight I need to dump out the swirls of thoughts onto this blog.  That's really what this blog has been about for me at times- the ability to write it all down and be able to clear my head.  Back when I started blogging all those years ago, it was really just for me. I am now blessed to have met many amazing women through this blog, and for that I am forever grateful.  Anyway, so I am apologizing in advance for what will really be a random post tonight.

We've made a tentative decision on the adoption front.  We are going to work with an attorney and her marketing firm for now.  We'd like to work with the other agency as well, but will need to put it on hold for now.  We just don't have the resources to do both, and for now I feel that working with a "do it yourself" plan works for us.  Not only is it less expensive initially, I have more control.  And let's be honest- I am a control freak and after all of these years of being out of control during treatment, I am going to hold onto as much as I can with this. 

I've created our website and I am pretty happy with it.  I spent lots of time looking at other sites and reading adoption books.  I've asked friends to look at it and everyone has said it's perfect and reflects who we are.  I don't think an agency could have done that for us.  I might eat those words later, but for now I feel confident in our plan.  The next step is to take that information from the website and create our paper profile.  I've started playing with that and even purchased pages for mac to have some more design freedom.  Again, I've looked at other profiles and hope to create something that truly portrays who we are. 

We're hoping to meet with the attorney's marketing coordinator next Friday.  We'll get the information about setting up our 800 number.  We've decided to have them answer our calls for us.  It just won't work with my teaching schedule for me to have a cell phone with me at all times.  We've been assured that the number is unique to us, and when it is answered it is with the knowledge that someone is calling on OUR behalf.  Once we get the 800 number, I plan to create business cards and flyers.  Then the plan is to get those out to everyone we know to pass them on.  I just have to believe that our match is out there and hope and pray that someone who knows someone can make the connection. 

And then there's next Friday, October 7th.  I've felt this day looming for the past month or so.  Someone said the date out loud to me and it literally took my breath away.  I was immediately taken back to the moment I knew that our miracle pregnancy was over- the moment I miscarried at school.  I can't believe it's been a year.  It seems like it was yesterday and an eternity ago all at once.  I am actually having a hard time thinking about going to the inservice we'll have at school on the 6th.  While it isn't the actual date, it is the same inservice that I was teaching at a year ago.  Just sitting here typing about it makes my breath catch in my chest.  I wish I could skip the inservice, but they are all mandatory now.  You must be on your deathbed to miss them.  So I will go and pray I can keep calm and have the strength to get through the day. 

Yes, you may have noticed that I also said that I hoped we could meet with the attorney's people next Friday.  I am hoping that spending the day moving FORWARD will help me get through.  I am hoping that having something to focus on and feeling that we are making progress will help ease the pain that the day will surely hold.  I find myself thinking back to a year ago, and realizing that I was blissfully unaware that my life was about to be shattered. We had just gotten our second beta results, and they were perfect.   I really thought we had finally gotten our miracle and that we were finally going to be parents.  I had no idea how much pain and heartache was about to come our way. 

While I am having moments of intense sadness, I am also feeling hope. I am hopeful that we will finally become parents and finally have the chance to love a baby of our own.  I even found myself researching different bottle types last night.  I was actually looking at babiesrus!  I feel like a split personality right now.  There's intense grief and excited hope all rolled up inside me right now.  It's like a tornado in my heart and head right now!  It scares me, honestly.

Thankfully we have a day off from school tomorrow.  Feeling much better now that I have "dumped" some of these thoughts here.  For those of you still reading... thank you.  :)

It's my Blogoversary!!!

It was nine years ago today that I first posted on an AOL journal.  Does anyone even remember those?  I was able to merge all of the posts over to blogger when AOL journals closed and moved to this blog a little over a year ago from my initial blogger site.  Nine years?  Who would have thought that I'd still be writing about infertility and we'd still be a family of just two?

Here is that very first post.  If I knew then what I know now.... I don't know if it would have been any different.  I think I would have become much more bitter and angry at a younger age for sure!  Even then I had my doubts it was going to work, but there was a glimmer of hope.  And just maybe, just maybe....there is a tiny little glimmer once again, today?

We're taking BIG STEPS with our adoption very soon.  But that's another post all together. 

In celebration of my nine years of rambling blogging, I'd like to do a little give away.  Now, bear with me as I have never done a give away of any sort here on my blog.  I know it's what all the cool kids do, so I'm going to give it a shot.  If you are here for ICLW, you are in luck!

So what am I giving away?  How about a set of handmade notecards?  One lucky commenter will win a personalized set of these from my etsy shoppe 

To enter, just leave a comment on this post.  Tell me what were you doing NINE years ago today- What was going on in your life?   I'll put all the comments in a hat and pull one out.  Be sure that you have a link to your blog or an email that I can contact you should you be the big winner.  Contest closes at the end of the weekend... let's say Sunday night at 9:00 CST.  (Let's just go with the 9 theme, ok?)

Let's hope that 9 years from now I am not still blogging about infertility.  Let's hope I'm focusing on raising our adopted child(ren).  Surely it won't take us another 9 years to realize that dream, right?

Have a wonderful day!

September ICLW

It's been a few months since I participated in ICLW.  For those of you new to my blog, welcome!

I'm a teacher and an artist living in the Chicago suburbs with my spoiled lab and my swim coach husband.  Our infertility story is long but here is the nitty gritty in bullet points: 

• Started TTC in 2000
• PCOS
• 4 IVFs- and 3 FETs
• Considered "unexplained" infertility by even the top experts
• 2 miscarriages in the last year, one a "surprise" pregnancy, the other a last chance IVF at CC.RM
• We're done with Treatment (for now)
• Homestudy approved for Domestic Infant Adoption 
• Weighing our many options for marketing and agencies
• Trying to gather resources for adoption after depleting most of our savings for our final IVF.
• Hopeful that we WILL become parents through the miracle of open adoption

It's my blogoversary in a few days, so I am hoping to do a give away.  I always have ideas for posts swirling in my head, so I am hopeful that ICLW will give me the prompting to get posts actually published and out here. 

I'm always looking for adoption blogs to follow.  Please leave me a comment if you have one, or know of one that you think I should check out.

Hope you all have a wonderful day!

Loss for words...or maybe not?!

There's so much I want to write about- so much I need to write about to process and get my thoughts in order.  Yet, I am having a hard time finding the words.  So I am about to ramble.  I apologize in advance.

We had a good meeting with adoption agency #1 on Friday.  We are supposed to find out today if we are one of the 6 couples they will accept this month.  And then we have to decide if we want said spot.  This is a marketing only agency- which has a great reputation and is small and could be exactly what we need.  However, the costs are due UP FRONT for marketing- and it's not a small sum of money.  They do ALL of the work for us- including creating a paper profile and printing them. It's a two year contract, and if we were to find a match on our own, we'd be able to put our contract on "hold" for a second adoption in the future.  But we do not get any of our money back.

I've also finally got our website up and running.  If you're interested in the link, please email me at puzzleblog@me(dot) com and I'll send you the link.  I don't want to post it here, as I don't want someone to link my personal ranting on this blog to our website/profile.  We really haven't done much marketing on our own yet.  So, should we really try to market on our own before signing with a marketing agency? 

Time is not on our side, though.  If we wait another 6 months to sign with the agency, it could be 6 months lost.  I wish we had the resources to just sign without worry.  But we need to be thoughtful about where we put our resources. 

I know that we are not comfortable answering calls ourselves.  With me being a teacher, I can't answer a phone during the day, and everything I've read says that it should be the wife to answer any calls from expectant parents.  I'm wondering if there is a way for us to do some of our own marketing and have someone "screen" calls for us.  But then I wonder if your 800 number goes to a phone bank, how do they know which adoptive parents the call was meant for? 

We are playing phone tag with the adoption attorney we worked with during our failed placement in 2007.  I know that she also has a marketing company that she works with.  We'd like to hear about their program as well.

We've thought about traditional agencies- It's just not the right fit for us.  We aren't religious people, and we don't have the financial resources many traditional agencies require.  We also have trust issues and don't want to have all of our resources with ONE agency.  But then, we could also apply to several agencies, too.

Lots to think about.  I look back at all of the decisions we made about infertility treatment and the mistakes we made.  It's hard not to worry about making mistakes here, too. 

In the end, every mistake will be worth it when we finally have the child we've yearned for all these years.

Trying to remember that. 

Baby Steps

We're taking some steps on our adoption journey... baby steps, but moving forward.

We have an appointment with an agency tomorrow that partners with our homestudy agency to provide marketing/birthparent search services.  It's a large sum of money upfront, but it gives us 2 years with them.  We'd still have to cover legal fees and birthmother expenses through our homestudy agency as well.  It's an option for sure.  However, they only accept so many couples at a time, so we have to go through the interview tomorrow to see if we would even be considered for them.  I'm a tad nervous, but figure if they don't want us, it wasn't meant to be a good fit anyway, right? 

We are also sending an application to an agency in San Antonio.  A friend told me about them, and we thought it was worth getting information.  They are also very selective, but give priority to childless couples with documented medical infertility.  According to their website, they only accept the number of couples they feel that they can match within a year's time.  All good things in our mind.  However, I did some research online, and there are mixed reviews on this agency.  They also require a weekend orientation in San Antonio.  Again, we don't know if we will be accepted to even apply.  At this point we've only just sent in paperwork to inquire....

We also sent our application into Project Cuddle to be a rescue family.  Project Cuddle is a great organization that works with women who are at high risk of abandoning their infants.  There's no cost, and we just send in our application, letter, and verification of our homestudy along with our photo. 

We called the attorney we worked with during our failed adoption in 2007.  We hear she is the best, but she is hard to get on the phone.  She also has a marketing agency that might be an option for us as well.  It's just frustrating because it is so hard to get in contact with her.  We'll need an attorney regardless of our agency choice- and we hear she is one on the best.  There are a few others in the area that I might call too.  

I emailed our social worker from our homestudy agency and she is going to send me the letter for project cuddle and will contact the local agency to let them know we are approved.  If we go further with the San Antonio agency, we'll have her send it out there- but they also charge a HIGH fee for our homestudy to be reviewed. 

We're still learning about all the ways that agencies do business.  It's like starting all over as new IF patient.  It's frustrating to be at the "beginner' stage again.  I am trying to gather as much information as I can- but there's just so much out there! And it's hard to know who to trust and who is going to take our money and break our hearts.  Our hearts are just barely mended from the last year of loss, and I just don't know how much more we can take.  It's hard to put our hearts out there again. 

I also spent some time on Friday working on our website.  I am hoping to get it live this weekend, even though we only have an email contact at this point.  Once we make some decisions, we'll add the phone contact.  One of the big deal breakers for me with the agencies will be what happens if we find our own match through our own efforts.  Are they willing to work with us in that case?  What services will they provide- or will they even "allow" us to market on our own? 

So many questions.  Going to work on my list of questions for tomorrow's meeting.  And then decide what to wear... ?!

Ten Years

There is no shortage of reminders of what today is.  It's been covered in the media for months. 

I don't need the reminders.  I remember that day and the flow of emotions I felt.  I was forever changed that day.  I didn't lose anyone close to me that day, but I did lose a part of myself.  I remember the fear that we had been attacked on our own soil, and wondered what the future would hold for us as a country. 

I was in my second year teaching at my current school.  There were lots of whispers in those first few hours trying to carry on in the classroom without letting our students sense our fear.  Our students were old enough to understand what happened, but not old enough to really understand the weight of the events. 

In addition to all of those feelings and memories, I'll also never forget because of the timing.  You see, Chris was at our first RE giving his "sample" when the first plane hit.  It was the start of our first heavy duty IF workup that day.  In the days following, I remember wondering if we should really pursue having a child.  Did we really want to bring a child into the chaos that our world felt at that time?

We carried on.  We went through with our testing, and learned that I had PCOS.  We thought we'd get pregnant once that was under control.  We had no idea what the next 10 years had in store for us.

So each year, I remember.  Another year passes, and we are reminded of what the world felt like that day.  And the hope we started to feel as the months passed.  We had hope that we could make sense of the chaos and had hope that we would be parents. 

And yet now, America is once again in a state of chaos and division.  Chris and I have just experienced one of the toughest years in terms of infertility.  Will we ever feel that same unity as a country?  Will Chris and I ever become parents?  I hope that by next year at this time, we will be closer to finding an answer to both of those questions.

Please don't think that I am trivializing the horror of that day, and all of the lives lost. As I am writing this, I have guilt over making it "about me" It's about so much more, but this is my memory, and my story of 9-11.  We all have them. 

Finding Peace

Thank you for all of your comments on my last post.  One of the great blessings of our IF journey has been meeting each of you and sharing our lives and stories with one another.  Infertility is such an isolating disease, and yet the ALI blogging community is strong and so very supportive.

I am working on finding peace in many areas of my life.  In addition to our infertility, I have a complicated family situation.  Some issues have resurfaced in the last week, and I am working to find peace with my decisions regarding my relationships with certain family members.  I'm not going to go into details here, but I am so very thankful for the amazing friends and mentors in my life that are allowing me to be who I am.

But that's not even what this post is really about.

My good friend had her beautiful baby boy yesterday.  The friend who I talked through her first medicated IUI and who struggled to tell me that it worked. It was an awkward few weeks, but we moved past it.  She is a dear friend and truly one of my closest coworkers.  She's one of our social workers at school, and often has to provide social work to me so I don't strangle certain children! I didn't mind being around her at all- even when she was 40 weeks pregnant.  Here's the thing- being pregnant didn't define who she was.  We rarely talked about it unless I asked.  And in the last few weeks, I asked lots, and she always took the time to answer me.

I think I may have been living through her final weeks of pregnancy as a way to find peace with the fact that I many never experience pregnancy.  I wanted to absorb as much as I could with her.  She's also a really down to earth type of girl, and was willing to answer all of my questions- the things a girl who has never been pregnant might want to know but be afraid to ask.  And in the last few weeks I would joke about things that are benefits to never giving birth- things she could have done without.

I have every intention of going to visit her once she is home from the hospital.  I am excited about holding her tiny little miracle and seeing her as a mom.  I honestly didn't think I'd ever be able able to say that.  Is it possible that I am finally finding peace with all of this? (We'll see how I do when I actually make the trip to see her!)

As a final note,  this friend sent me a sweet message via FB the night before she was induced.  She wanted to let me know she was thinking of me and wanted to know where we were with our adoption process.  She asked that I keep her posted since I won't be seeing her every day for the next 12 weeks.  So, even the night before she meets her little miracle, she took the time to message me.  I don't know if she'll ever know how much that meant to me.

So maybe I really am on my way to finding peace.  Or at least I am getting good at faking it!

Almost normal

Lab results are in from the final set of bloodwork I had done last week.

Everything came back normal.  No clotting issues.  No answers. 

The only thing that came back is that I have 1 copy of the MTHFR mutation, which my nurse tells me can't be the cause of our miscarriages.  I need to be on a higher dose of Folic Acid during pregnancy, but that's it.  She also said I am at a higher risk for coronary heart disease and need to have one more blood test done to rule out an issue there.  Isn't that just peachy?  No answers about our miscarriages and I might have a heart issue in the future!

Going to start on the folic acid now, even though we aren't in treatment.  We weren't in treatment this spring/summer when I got pregnant. One just never knows with these things, right? 

We are 110% committed to moving forward on the adoption path.  I have mixed emotions about these results, however.  I was really hoping to finally have some answers and some closure about the past 11 years.  But maybe having no answer is a type of closure after all?  There is literally nothing more to test for with CC.RM.  While I realize some people have gone down the immune path, that isn't for us at this time.

So now I am scared that I will once again get pregnant and have to endure yet another miscarriage.  Asked Chris if he would consider birth control.  He said no, and I can't say I'd really do it either.  I mean there are miracles all the time, right?

It's time to put all of the energy into our adoption now.  We're homestudy approved.  We just need to find our perfect match.  She has to be out there somewhere, right?  Someone who wants two parents like us?

Please let us finally find our missing piece.

Seeing unicorns?

I think for the first time in our 11 year history of family making struggles, Chris and I are on the same page.  I've heard stories about such magical moments, but never believed that they were real.  I equated such an event with seeing a unicorn in my backyard, really.  :)

While we've come to many agreements in terms of treatments and such, it always felt like one of us was more "in" than the other.  We've never made a treatment or adoption decision without both agreeing.  It just always felt like one of us was more at that point than the other. 

But we're really there now.  We are in the same place.  We are ready to commit 110% into an adoption plan.  We've been homestudy approved for months now, just hoping that the stork would deliver a baby to us with little more work.  Instead, we spent the summer dealing with the physical and emotional anguish of yet another miscarriage.  We've both agreed that we can't continue on where we are at right now.  Neither of us is feeling the same fulfillment and joy from our careers that we once felt.  We want more.  We want to be more.  We want to be parents. 

So it's time to seriously talk to some attorneys and agencies and find out what the bottom line is financially.  We have two swim team families who have approached us about helping us out financially with an adoption, knowing that we will get some money back with our tax credit.  It's hard to accept help, but at this point it's what we need to do in order to build our family.  

I need you all to hold me to this.  We MUST move forward.  We're both so stuck and need to be nudged.  I also still need to get the labs run from my CCRM nurse.  I just need to do it.  I need to know if there is something that will finally explain the last year (and the ten before that!)  I just booked an appointment at the local Que.st office for this Saturday morning.  Hopefully they can run even some of the tests I need run.  Worst case I get there and they can't, right?

So let's hope that this unicorn sighting is not the last and that we will finally be on the path that will find us our missing piece. 

Back to School

I promise to share photos of our time in California.  I left the camera at school this weekend, otherwise that is just what this post would have been all about.  For now, you'll have to read my rambles about the first week of school.

I always seem to forget how truly exhausting the week is.  As I get older, it takes longer and longer to adjust back to the routines and being on my feet all day.  My feet are killing me.  First investment this school year will be on a few new pairs of shoes that are designed for "older teachers" to stand all day.  Sadly I feel that the days of really cute shoes for school are coming to an end.  I am looking at some options that are still somewhat cute as I just can't bear ugly shoes even for comfort!  :)  Some of the teachers swear by Dansko, and I love my Keen sandals.  I've also heard good things about Merrill too.  Anyone have any suggestions for cute and comfortable shoes?

The stress is high all around at school.  Let's just say it is going to be a constant power struggle between the district administration and the teachers all year long.  Over silly things that really shouldn't be issues.  And my poor principal is stuck in the middle.  Silly things like having a working copier and using personal days on inservice days.  And every single teacher is being asked to do more with less.  Oh, and we're all going to be evaluated based on how our kids do on a single test this year.   It's just frustrating that the KIDS are the ones that are losing here.  Teachers aren't able to focus on students' needs and well being with all of this nonsense going on.  But that's what I intend to do.  Focus on the kids and just push forward.  (And it helps that it is not an evaluation year for me this year!)

I really intended to stop all technology assistance after the way the whole position went down this summer.  But I can't.  It's just not my nature.  So I've been troubleshooting IWBs, answering questions, and suggested that I hold a little training session for the new teachers on the IWBs on Monday.  I just can't say NO when I teacher WANTS to use the technology and there is no support for them.  I won't leave my colleagues hanging when they need support.  I am however going to be sure that I keep a log of all of the things I am doing so that the powers that be know that there is a NEED at our school that is NOT BEING FILLED by the woman they hired for the position.

I have lots of orders to work on for my little PB Creations business.  I need to work on scheduling time that is dedicated to continuing to grow that little endeavor.  I think I need to treat it like a part time job and really schedule hours so that I am forced to make time.  Not only is it good for business, I NEED the creative outlet.  It is a stress relief and makes me happy.  I spend my days nurturing others.  I need to make time for nurturing my own creative soul!

I will leave you with a photo of the flowers Chris sent me on the first day of school.  This is a tradition he started years ago.  I REALLY needed the pick me up this year.  He is a keeper for sure!  :)

Each year the card says,  "Have a Great School Year.  You are an Awesome Teacher."

Home

We're home safe and sound.  Had an amazing week with some really fast swimming and lots of fun.  I haven't even uploaded all the photos, but I'll be sure to share my favorites here.  I am so very proud of Chris and all he accomplished with his swimmers.  They were the highest scoring team from the state of Illinois!  All with only four swimmers!

It was hard to come home without Simba being here.  I had a little meltdown when I walked into the guest room and realized that is where he had his final days.  Our friends cleaned everything up for us and it was just surreal to see all of his "supplies" stacked up in a pile.  I don't think it has really sunk it that he is really gone.  Words can't express how grateful we are for our friends who cared for him and Romeo while we were gone.

Romeo is beyond excited to have us home.  He apparently took up residence on our bed while we were gone so those sheets are in the washing machine as I write.  Hoping they'll be done in time for me to get to bed at a decent hour.

It's back to work for me tomorrow.  I have so many mixed thoughts and emotions about that.  Sadly, I don't have the excitement that I usually feel for the start of a new school year.  Hoping that once I get there tomorrow and see all my colleagues that I will feel that.  I am so thankful that I took the trip with Chris.  It was great to clear my head and really go into the school year with a sense of peace and calm rather than being here and brooding for the past week. 

And let's face it- this has been a pretty crappy summer for me.  Here's to new beginnings and moving forward.  Fall is a wonderful time of year full of change and promise, right?

It's going to be rough in the morning.  My body will think it's 3 am when the alarm goes off...  I've already decided it will be a VENTI kind of morning!  :)

Kitty Heaven

My Simba Kitty went to kitty heaven last night.  I am on the other side of the country and wasn't able to say goodbye.  I am so thankful that we have such amazing friends who not only took care of our animals for us, but took care of him in his last days and took him to the vet after he was gone.  It's a true friend that will do all of that for you while you are far from home.

I was heartbroken last night when they called to tell me he wasn't doing well.  He was fine over the weekend, but took a turn for the worse suddenly Sunday night.  He shut himself into the closet in our guest room and wanted to be alone.  I am sad he was alone when he left this world, but it seems that is just what my sweet kitty wanted.  He was very loving before we left, and I feel that he wanted us to be away when he left this world.  I know it will be very hard to go home and know that he is gone.  But he didn't suffer long, and that he was well cared for in his last days.

He was a great kitty and was so very attached to my sweet Patches.  I know that they are together again playing and cuddling like they did when they were babies.  He thought he was a dog, and came for treats whenever the dogs would get one.  He was a talker and a cuddler.  He will be missed.  But I know his health was failing in the last year and I am so thankful he didn't suffer long.

The swim meet is going VERY well.  Both swimmers moved up in their events and scored points for Chris' swim team.  First time in the history of the team!  Another swimmer in finals tonight.  It's been very exciting!

I've also enjoyed the sunshine and haven't thought much about school at all.  :)  Hoping the rest of the week continues just as well and that I can go back home feeling refreshed and ready to face the world. 

Proud Coach's Wife. :)

We've enjoyed the weather here in California.

But today was finally the start of the Junior National Meet.  The entire reason we are here.

It was a GREAT morning.  Three swims and three best times.  Two of our boys made it back for finals tonight.  This is the first time in the history of the team. 

I am one VERY proud wife right now!  Chris has worked so very hard this summer.  And the boys swam their hearts out and it paid off.  Big time.

Hoping that finals goes well tonight and that the team will score points.  Another FIRST for the team.

I'm so happy for Chris and the boys!

~~~~

And just to make things interesting... AF started last night.  Yep, the worst possible place to have her show up.  But it also seems my body is regulating?!  31 day cycle?  That's a little bit too normal for me.  Thank goodness for Aleve and nice bathrooms at the meet!  :)

Sunshine!

Thank you for all your sweet comments on my last post.  Starting to change my state of mind and hoping to come back from vacation refreshed and ready to jump into the school year.  Hoping that the issues will be corrected next week in my classroom while I am off enjoying the sunshine and lots of pool time.  Too bad most of the pool time will be spent as a spectator at a swim meet!  :)

Hope you all enjoy the last few moments of summer!  I plan to post from the road, but we'll see how that goes.  :)

I've put my etsy shoppe on vacation mode until I return- so you won't see anything in the side bar for now.  I'll be doing lots of sketching and designing while away, so there will be lots of new goodness in the etsy shoppe in time for the holidays!  If you have custom order requests or need to contact me, please feel free to leave a comment here.  Or email me at puzzleblog(at)me.com. 

Have a great day!

Craptastic start to the school year already...

In the end, looks the district is hiring someone from the outside to take the tech position.  I am disappointed and frustrated with the entire process.  A piece of paper (that even the person currently in the position doesn't have) was more important than experience and commitment to the district.  It has shown me that this is a position I'd really like to have so I will pursue getting the certificate and then take my talents to another district in the future.  That's all I'm going to say on that.

My "new" classroom is also craptastic.  That's not helping my mood.  There are issues with missing white boards, and the interactive white board in the room was abused last year and is not in great shape.  I treated the one on my old room like a classic car... so I am devastated at how this one was treated.  I requested to have my old one moved, but apparently that isn't going to happen.

My schedule is rough too--- I teach for 5 straight hour without a break.  My plans are the last two hours of the day.  Not loving that either.

So bottom line, I need to figure out how to adjust my attitude about this all.  It was a rotten summer, and I just can't bear a rotten school year. 

So Chris and I are off for a week in Sunny Cal for the National Swim meet.  Let's hope that some sunshine can work some magic on my psyche before returning to start the school year. 

Oh, and my "new" room isn't even unpacked yet.  And we get back the night before school starts. 

Serenity NOW

Whew! Back to NORMAL! :)

Just talked to nurse at local clinic.

Experienced RE taking over my case.

Said he doesn't care if it is 3.3, 2.2, or less than 2- It's NEGATIVE and there is NO need to repeat.

I feel like I could break into the Hallelujah Chorus right now.

She's even going to talk to him about running labs for RPL.

Could I really finally be through this hell?

Things are looking positive in the new job department.  Still FAR from a done deal, but my name is in the running.  It's not having the elusive certificate that is holding me back.  But there aren't many people who have said certificate.  So hopeful that I will get some news on that next week.

It's taken all summer, but feeling like things might resolve.

Off to go knock on some wood somewhere!

FINALLY NEGATIVE!!!!!- But wait, maybe not?!

* See added edit at the end*

~~~~~
I finally made it.

I'm finally not pregnant.

Not that I've been "really" pregnant for the past three months.

But as of today, I am finally considered NEGATIVE for pregnancy.

Never in a million years did I think this long time infertile would be so very happy to hear those words.

"Your HCG is less than 2"

I'd be lying if there wasn't a tiny bit of me that will always be sad to hear those words.  But the reality of this situation is that this is GOOD news.  Really good news.  Good news that has been a LONG time coming.

Off to email CC.RM with the good news and also ask for orders for RPL panel.  Who knew I'd also be thrilled to add one more diagnosis to my list?  Hoping to get those labs run next week and then hopefully

Move on.

Where?  That's the big question.

But at least I don't feel STUCK anymore.  I feel like I can finally move.  Let's just hope I can keep some momentum.

~~~~~

Edited to Add:
Apparently I spoke too soon.  There still is an issue.  Just got message from nurse at local RE office.

They ran my blood three times.  (Not sure why?!)

Only the third time did it come back as less than 2.

The first time it was ran it was 3.3
Then 2.2
and then the third time less than 2

So, I am supposed to call in the morning and go from there.

Will this nightmare EVER end?
~~~~~~

LIVID!!!

Just got home from what WILL be my last set of labs for the Miscarriage of the Summer.

Asked for them to finally run the APA and Clotting Panel as well.  Local RE has refused to do so until my HCG was negative.  CC.RM told me that it could have been run two weeks ago when I was at 4- but this yahoo wanted to wait until it as less than 2.  Asked for them to just draw the vials today- since they charge me an office visit AND venipuncture every.single.time I walk in the door. 

Tech had no idea what to draw so asked Dr Local Moron.  He told her that he WOULD NOT RUN IT FOR ME and that I had to go to a hematologist or my GP.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME????  All summer I was told that as soon as I got to negative he would do it.  Now, three months later he is saying he WON'T DO IT?????!!!!

Now that I've cried angry tears the car ride home, I think the bottom line is that HE HAS NO IDEA WHAT TO RUN!  That I am beyond his expertise and he just didn't know what tests to do- even though I copied EXACTLY what my CC.RM nurse told me.

On top of it all, I think my favorite nurse has left the practice.  She has been there since I started with them a decade ago, and I haven't seen her in the last month.  She was ALWAYS there, so that makes me think she quit.  She was amazing and kind.  Guessing that dealing with Dr Moron finally got the best of her! 

To be fair, this is the associate of the main RE at the clinic.  I got pushed off to him at the start and have had nothing but issues since.  He has tried to push me off on an Ob/Gyn since the start.  Trying to keep my level head because if we are ever fortunate to try again at CC.RM I need to use this clinic for local monitoring.  Even if they charge me an extra non billable $40 every.single.time I walk in the office with orders from CC.RM.

So I will send an email to my beloved CC.RM nurse who will write me orders for the tests.  Just means I'll have to make an appointment at the hospital to have them done.  I don't have time for that right now.  Only one week until we leave for Cali, and then school starts the day after we get home.  Summer is over for me.

Ok rant over for now.  Please GOD let my levels finally be NEGATIVE!!!

MIA with Pictures

I've been a bad blogger- but with good reason!  I had some amazing women here last week, and I just didn't have the chance to blog.  Still in limbo with the miscarriage and the job.  Not even going to go there in this post.  It just makes me mad.  So, instead I am going to share with you photos of what I was up to while my blog sat neglected!

It was great to host these amazing ladies!  We see each other every other year- and it's always like we've never been apart.  They've been such a support for me over the years, and I am so glad I got the chance to show them my home and my city!

Taking a break from the heat in Lake Geneva

Four scrapbookers= lots of photo ops!

Buttrick Sawmill in Antioch- Tradition of taking photos using the timer which requires me to RUN to get into the shot.  This year was no different!

Lots of laughter- Love this shot because it truly shows the spirit of this amazing woman.  :)

Attending the CHA show with my girls- Gloria was able to get us tickets and we LOVED seeing all of her work featured at Spellbinders, Graphic 45, & Hampton Arts!  (Totes were my gift to them made by Just Embroidered Totes and Stuff)

Making sure the girls got to experience all of the Chicago Style food I could come up with- This is Gino's East Pizza.

Beverly's husband Stephen with the girls- It was so nice to see him again!

Out on the LEDGE at the skydeck.  That's not photoshopped! 

Had to take the girls to Ed's for lunch! 

It was the HOTTEST day of the year... but I insisted that they needed to see the Bean.