37th Birthday Wrap Up

I am sitting at the Atlanta airport with over a three hour layover.  So of course my first thought is to finally take the time to blog about my birthday. 

For the past decade or so, my birthday has been a tough time for me.  It marks the passing of time in our battle with infertility.  It marks another year that our dreams haven't been fulfilled.  It marks another birthday for my eggs- which unlike fine wine, don't get better with age.   It's no secret that I always try to overcompensate with plans on my birthday to distract me.  In years past, I would let Chris try to make plans.  This year I took matters into my own hands and after some grumbling and hurt feelings, Chris got over it.  He made the actual reservations so I think that helped.

It is really rare for us to have a free weekend in March- so imagine my delight when I discovered that we had no swim meet and my birthday fell on a Saturday!  We were able to celebrate with some of our closest friends who also happen to have kids on our swim team.

Being born on St Patrick's day has its advantages and disadvantages.  About every other year we do the whole Irish party and the other years we just do birthday.  This year I wanted to go to my favorite restaruant in the city.  It's a spanish Tappas place that has the world's greatest sangria.  Since we knew that we would all like to enjoy this treat, we decided to take a limo into the city so nobody had to drive and we could all equally enjoy the sweet libations.  We even had champagne on the way into the city 

My favorite item at the tappas place is bacon wrapped dates.   I never would have tried them without some urging, but I simply LOVE them.  All I really needed to make this birthday a success was those dates, raspberry sangria, and so,e chocolate torte.  I got all three.  :) 

We ordered lots of food, had many pitchers of sangria.  I think we tried all of the varieties.  The raspberry was my favorite and the passion fruit was icky.  We also ordered one of every desert on the menu.  :)  It was so nice to just sit and talk with friends.  We laughed really hard and for once in many years, I didn't feel a moment of sadness on my birthday.  I felt blessed with good friends, good food, and a good time. 

Sharing some of my favorite photos from the night:

Chris and I at dinner.  Doesn't he look good in green?

They brought several plates all at once... and placed them all in front of Chris!

Yes, it was dark outside.  But we had to look cool in the limo, right?

Off to catch up on some commenting for ICLW.  Hope you are all having a wonderful Sunday!

That darn B-- Mother Nature

Mother Nature just always has a way of messing with my life.  You'd think after all these years, I'd expect it.  Nope.

AF is here in full swing for the first time since the D&C on February 7th.  I was going to let it go until I got back from my trip to call the Dr about getting it induced.  But the B!tch decided to show up right before I leave for Spring Break.  Yep, just like she did last year.  And the year before that. 

At least this year I am not going on a romantic tropical vacation with my husband.  This year is all about some much needed girlfriend time.  Hoping that the worst of it comes today before I spend all day tomorrow on a plane and in airports by myself.  We are attending a wedding for my very close friend's daughter this afternoon.  Let's hope that high doses of al.eve can keep me sane through it all.  I do still have a stash of stronger meds from the d&c recovery.  Those will be a last resort as I'd like to actually remember the wedding. 

This all explains my mood over the past week.  Add in the stress of teaching middle school the week before spring break, and I am surprised I am still married! 

I had a great birthday last weekend celebrating with friends.  I have a post planned to share all the details at some point.  No news on the adoption front.  Taking the CC.RM recommended supplements. 

Need to finish packing... my flight leaves tomorrow morning and I need to have everything ready before we leave for the wedding tonight.  I'll have lots of time during layovers tomorrow to catch up on reading and commenting- hope you all have a wonderful Saturday!

March ICLW

Just a quick post for the start of the March ICLW. 

It's a crazy week leading up to Spring Break.  One of my middle school students actually locked himself inside his locker yesterday.  So, let's just say that things at work are keeping me busy!

Hoping to make a longer post later in the week.  For those of you new to my blog, you can click on the timeline above to see our long history.

Hoping to get some time to read and comment later this evening.  Hope you are all having a wonderful day!

Talked to Attorney

Once again, thank you for your comments of support on yesterday's post.  It meant so very much to me.  Chris and I aren't at the same place with this and it helped to have some of you validate my thoughts.  He's not wrong- but neither am I.  So we're in that crazy place right now.

I did talk to my attorney today.  I left her a voice mail on my plan period today.  I do feel better after talking with her.  Apparently the Expectant Mom (EM) initially only wanted to look at families who had children already, but liked our story and wanted to talk with us.  But then they changed their mind- and the percieved "health" issue was just one part of the issue.  I'm still not sure how they went from wanting to talk with us to not in a course of three days, but my attorney reminded me that we are dealing with a young woman. (She is 16.) She told me again that she didn't see that there was an issue with our profile and that we can't base it on only one EM.  If there were others who had the same comments, she would have us make an update.  I am comfortable with that.

I also asked her about the fact that she said our profile is going out and not being chosen.  She said our profile is going out, but they aren't getting any feedback at all.  It seems that the mom's who ask to see our profile aren't returning calls once they have our feedback.  That makes me feel somewhat better that its not that we are being "rejected" for another profile.  It's just that there is NO feedback once our profile goes out. 

To clarify- our attorney doesn't call us every time that our profile goes out.  She only calls us when an EM wants to talk to us.  We've talked to one EM who chose another couple, and then another situation went "south" when another agency got involved before our social worker could get our information out there.  (That was the same week as my bedrest and eventual miscarriage) This was the second time that  she called to let us know an EM wanted to talk to us.  We have no idea how often our profile goes out.  We do get an itemized bill from our 888 phone service, so we know when calls have come in. We don't know if anything comes of them until our attorney calls us.  She will talk and meet with an EM before talking to us at all. 

I wish I could say that I am feeling peace with this situation and ok that it isn't the right one.  I know in my head that the right EM will come along and it will be the baby that is meant to be in our arms.  I just hope that I can keep the hope long enough to keep fighting for her to find us. 

The next two weeks are going to be crazy busy.  I have so much to accomplish with school and I just feel so overwhelmed thinking about it all.  The tensions are once again high at school as staffing assignments for next year are coming out.  Every year we lose more teachers and this year is no different.  We're to the point that it is tenured teachers that are being cut because there aren't any non-tenured teachers left.  It makes for a stressful work environment as people wait to hear if they have a job next year or not.  Also adds to my stress because I know that I am not doing everything I could be doing.  But then I step back a remember all that we've been through this school year and I have to accept that I am doing the best that I can.  That's all I can do at this point. 

Thanks again from the bottom of my heart for your love and support!

Rejection

Thank you so very much for all of your kind comments on my last post.  I'm feeling so much better and will be keeping my purchases.  It's the rational thing to do.  :)  Again, it's not as if I was on a shopping spree, just got a few essentials that I really needed.

One of the hardest things for me to accept when moving onto domestic adoption was facing my fear of rejection.  While I know in my head that when an expectant mother does not choose us it is not a rejection, my heart feels quite differently.  And I know that in adoption terms, we've only been "officially" waiting a short time.   But it just stings when we aren't chosen.

Our attorney called us on Thursday to tell us that an expectant mom wanted to talk with us and another couple.  Our attorney was supposed to give them our information and call us back to let us know if we were supposed to call them or they were going to call us.  She never called.  I called her and left messages.  She called this afternoon to tell us that they decided that they didn't want to talk to us and only wanted to move forward with the other couple.  Apparently, the mom has some misperception that I have health issues.  I can't for the life of me understand that.  The only thing that I can think is that we talk about treatment and surgery in context of our infertility in our profile.  I am frustrated that our attorney didn't advocate on our behalf.  She is obviously also the attorney for the other couple, too.  But I would hope that she would advocate for both of us equally.  I am concerned that didn't happen, but there's no way of knowing.


Our attorney told me that we are getting calls on our number and our profiles are going out.  We just aren't being chosen.  I asked if that means we should look at revamping our profile.  She told me no, that she and the marketing person both feel we have a really strong profile.  But if it's so strong, why aren't we chosen?  She said we shouldn't change it for a "certain" mother and that we need to stay true to ourselves.  But if there are some misconceptions, shouldn't we correct them?  Everyone tells us we look great on paper.  I wish that meant something.

I sent her a text asking if she told them that I had to have a physical and a clean bill of health through our homestudy.  I also explained that I was frustrated that we didn't even get a chance to answer questions.  I haven't heard back from her.

I am trying to stay positive.  This situation felt really like a good fit for us.  The mom seemed that she would be someone we would connect with.  I'm so frustrated we didn't even get the chance.  I am hoping that I will hear back from the attorney.  I'm also thinking I will follow up with a phone call tomorrow.

For those of you who have adopted domestically, do you have any words of advice?  

Feeling Guilty

I did something yesterday I haven't done in a really long time.  I went shopping.  Like shopping as a social event with a good friend.  I was in dire need of some pants for work.  I HATE shopping for pants.  I really don't love shopping for clothes at all.  My body has been through so much over the past two years that I just never know what clothes are going to fit or make myself feel good about myself.   Even at my best, I struggle with buying pants.  I am 5'4" so I am half way between a petite and an average length.  I'm also a PCOS gal who carries my weight around my middle.  So pants shopping is a stress.

I was down to one pair of khaki's and one pair of black pants that fit.  But they didn't really fit any more and the bottoms of them were starting to fray.  (See above about my leg length) And since I am no longer pregnant and don't see that in my near future, it was time to admit I needed to go pants shopping.   I am fortunate to work next door to an amazing woman who has been my running buddy (that's another post, but I am back in my running shoes).  She also happens to be shaped like me right now and I knew she could feel my pain as we searched for pants.  She understood what I needed the pants to look like and was able to give me the guidance and words of encouragement that I needed. 

Off we went to the local outlet mall yesterday.  It was a glorious day here in Chicagoland yesterday.  Nice and sunny and in the 60's.  The outlet mall is an outdoor one, so it was very crowded.  We braved the crowds and shopped for many hours.  We successfully found pants for me- and I even picked up a few for Chris.  I bought essentials- not really anything frivolous.  (There was a purse at fossil that I adored, but it just wasn't worth the cost!) 

I had a great day.  It was so nice to feel like a normal person and to share the day with a good friend.  We had lunch, we laughed, we sighed, and we shopped.  I actually had an entire day that I really didn't think about the miscarriage.  I was exhausted when I got home, but felt pretty good. 

Until I looked at my receipts.  While everything was on sale, and things I needed, I had a full on panic attack when I thought about what I spent.  It didn't help when I talked to Chris and he felt the need to remind me about our adoption expenses.  And then I came crashing back down. 

I didn't splurge on a coach purse.  I bought pants.  Pants that I need for work.  I bought a coat for Chris (which was a STEAL!)  I bought a pair of really sensible shoes.  I bought a belt.  But I spent money.  Money we have, but should I have spent it?

Why is it that we can't even feel normal for a short time?  I hate that I am now feeling incredibly guilty about my shopping.  I hate that every single extra penny we have is supposed to go towards our adoption expenses.  Why can't I just embrace that I needed this?  I needed the clothes. This is what "normal" people do when they need clothing. I am so tired of infertility dictating every single part of my life.  I HATE that we have to spend so much of our income on adoption costs.  But I know that every single penny, every single sacrifice will be worth it when we have our baby in our arms. 

So I haven't put anything away.  I have sorted things into what I can return.  Chris is on his way home now.  We'll have a discussion about the shopping trip.  I tried to talk him into NOT getting me a birthday present since I bought the clothes, but he wouldn't have any part of that.  He is way too romantic of a guy not to buy me a gift.

So guilty it is.

Why I Blog...

First off, thank you for all of the comments on my last post.  Each and every one of them brought me a little more out of the fog and reminded me how much I truly value the support of the ALI community.  There are so many of you who have been with me all along this journey and some that are just joining in now.  There are those who don't read my blog any more for many reasons. 

Yesterday's post was stirred in part after reading a post written by Mel.  There is a hot controversy in the ALI blogging community right now, and the whole thing left me feeling a little more raw than I expected.  I am not going to chime in on the actual controversy.  I have my opinions on it all, but that's not what this is all about.  Reading the comments on her post and on the other blog left me feeling so sad and raw.  (I know I keep saying raw, but it really fits)  I was saddened to see that people were attacking each other and also that people didn't feel that they were being supported- regardless of where they were in their journey.  There was a serious divide between those who had "crossed over" and those who were still in the trenches.

Let's be honest.  I've seen lots of people cross over in the past twelve years.  I've tasted the other side and posted about BFP and u/s myself.  I've had moments where I just wanted to scream when reading about someone else's BFP or adoption.  But those moments have been completely overshadowed by the love and shear joy I've felt for so many of you.  And so many of you have shared in my joy and heartbreak.  You've shared my happiness and surrounded me in virtual hugs in my darkest moments.

I started blogging before it was even called blogging.  I kept an AOL journal- it was what all the cool kids were doing.  It started as a way for me document our journey.  Often this blog is a place where I can dump my thoughts and feelings about something.  Once I've written the post, I can move forward and process my feelings about the topic at hand.  In those early days it really was a one way conversation.  It wasn't about community and support then.

At some point, I started getting comments and started reading other blogs.  We started sharing our experiences.  We met on message boards and started following each other's blogs.  I was able to read and learn about other treatment options.  I became invested in so many of your stories, and I like to think that many of you are invested in my story.  I was also able to ask questions here on my blog and get so many responses from around the blogosphere.  At times when I felt alone and needed answers, I turned to this space and you all answered my call for help time and time again.

Chris' perception of the blog has also changed over time.  He used to resent that I kept this space.  He hated that I made our struggle so "public"  (Even though I was anonymous at the start)  Now I know that he has gone back and looked at our history to compare things.  I don't think he regularly reads the blog, but I do know that he has an occasion to check it out.  He's even told me to post questions here to get the wise advice from all of you.

So I started to really think about the issue at hand with the ALI community- trenches vs. crossed over.  But here's the thing- I don't feel that divide here.  I've felt the support from those of you who are parenting.  I hope you feel that I have continued to support you as well.  While I don't have much to add about discussions on cloth diapering or baby food, I can still say "hang in there" or "thinking of you"  And reading your blogs gives me hope.  I know where many of you have come from.  I hope with all my heart that I will someday have something to add to the conversation.

Each step of my journey (and danm, it's been long and winding) I've felt the pull to support those who are just starting on the path and share the knowledge I've gained from experience.  And I've also felt the pull to read and share in those who are further on this path than I am.  At times that was reading about what it meant to do IVF, and then doing IVF across the country, and now parenting and adoption.

It's never been about the numbers.  While I love and cherish each and every comment- especially on posts like the one yesterday, I don't blog to get readers or to have people comment.  I blog for myself to share my journey.  I blog to be part of a community- one of mutual support.  So after taking some time to process and then reading the love you all left yesterday, I am not feeling so raw.  I am feeling wrapped in support.  And I am going to make an effort to share that support with others.

If you have a few extra moments, please take a moment to check out Mel's LFCA.  There are weekly posts that list bloggers needing some extra support.  I was the lucky recipient of support after our first miscarriage and can't explain how much the extra support meant to me.  Ever since I have tried to pay it forward to others who are also in need of support.

~~~~~~~

Today marks one month since our D&C.  We still have no results from the testing.  I don't want to go into all of that on this post, but I felt the need to at least "mark" this date here.  Planning to make a phone call to the OB tomorrow.  Also hoping to have them test my Vitamin D levels to see if that is an issue.  Just got an email from my nurse in Colorado who told me that they are testing everyone for Vitamin D deficiency now.  Interesting?

Lifting fog

I am starting to feel the fog lift.  I am starting to feel more human.   I feel more like myself than I have in two months.   There are still moments where I feel so very raw, but thankfully those moments are starting to become fewer and farther between.

I have lots of thoughts right now and blog post ideas in my head. There's a few hot button issues I'd like to write about.  But I don't think I have the strength to handle the unknown of comments if I posted about some of them. 

One of my biggest thoughts lately is about the length of time we've been in the trenches.  We're close to 12 years of TTC.  TWELVE YEARS... that's 3/4 of my married life.  While we had periods when we weren't actively in battle, we've been in the fight for the entire time.  Sure, we had breaks from treatment.  In all those years, I was ALWAYS trying to become a mom. 

We've been through so much.  And I don't want to enter the "pain olympics" but need to point out that we've had so much heartbreak and loss.  We're veterans of IF treatment.  We've failed at IVF multiple times.  We've had ectopic pregnancies and chemical pregnancies.  And then there's the THREE miscarriages in the last 15 months.  Seeing the heartbeat only to lose it two weeks later. 

As a veteran IF gal, the last thing I want is pity.  But that doesn't mean I can't have my own little pity party for a moment.  I want to scream from the top of the mountains "WHY ME????" and "PLEASE LET IT BE MY TURN!" I've done my time.  I didn't sign up for twelve years of active duty.  When can I finally retire from all of this?  When will we finally have the title of mom and dad?  Will I have to wave the white flag before we win the ultimate prize?

We're still waiting for the results from our D&C testing. We haven't heard anything on the adoption front in weeks.  I am just so damn tired of waiting and then being let down.  I am tired of being left behind time and time again.  I am tired of wondering if I will ever be able to be a full grown-up.  (I've always felt that I won't really be a grown up until I earn the title of mom)  I am tired of saving my pennies to afford adoption after we used all of our life savings on one final IVF. (That I don't regret...but that's another post)  I am tired of watching my husband play with other people's children and feeling the ache in my heart knowing that I can't give him that.  I am tired of feeling jealous of other people and their pregnancies- even those that are hard fought for.  I am tired of wondering if there is a reason I haven't become a mom- that I won't be a good parent and this is nature's way of telling me that. 

Thankfully these thoughts don't consume me all the time.  It's just the very raw moments. 

Please, pretty please universe... We've put in the time.  Please let all this thick fog be worth it.