Thank you for all of your congratulations on my last post. It was a pretty exciting weekend for sure!
I'm still exhausted. I haven't called my primary care doctor yet. I'm hoping that it will get better soon. But that's another post all together.
We're still waiting on the testing results from the d&c. I emailed my CC.RM nurse and asked her abotu supplements. I was thinking that it wouldn't hurt to ask. She gave me the list of "poor responder supplement list" and told me that it wouldn't hurt to take them. It's a long list and I did a quick search at Amazon. Just wondering if any of you have take the supplements and have any suggestions as to where to get them or anything else I should know.
This doesn't mean that I'm really thinking about cycling.... I just needed to feel like I was doing SOMETHING. I'm thinking that improving my eggs can't be all bad, right?
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Thanks for all of the comments so far. I am not going to list the supplements list from CC.RM but I do have some questions for any of you who have taken the protocol. I've sent an email to my fabulous nurse, but I think she is off until Sunday at this point. Is there a kind soul who would be willing to send me an email at puzzleblog (at) me (dot) com and answer some questions I have?
Thanks!
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
Finally something to celebrate!
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| A very nervous Chris before the meet starts |
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| The boys show off the trophy to their fans! |
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| Some of my favorite boys... especially the grown up one in the front! |
There were some really bad calls by the officials as well as a disqualification in the prelims of our 200 free relay. It was such a roller coaster of emotions with very lows but ended on a very high note! The school did a parade for the boys today and Chris was able to experience the festivities with the boys too. I'm so incredibly proud of Chris and all he accomplished with these kids. While it's the end of the high school season, we have big meets coming up for the club in the coming weeks. Chris does get 2 hours back each day now that HS season is over though, so looking forward to having a few more minutes each day with him.
It was so nice to have something else to focus on and celebrate after everything we've been through. The meet itself is crazy. In the midst of a blizzard, we had to drive towards the city to wait in line to get our wristbands. We then waited in the gym for more than 6 hours to be admitted into the pool. The meet lasted another 3 hours. And that was just prelims on Friday. Saturday was almost as long. So, it's no surprise that I am still exhausted. Still having some sleep issues... but working on it. Thank you to everyone's comments on the last post. Will share more later on all of that... want this post to be a positive one. :)
Have a great rest of your night!
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Desperate for Sleep
The sleep issues were the sign that triggered me to take the HPT back in December. Each of the three times I've been pregnant in the past year have all shared this symptom. Crazy dreams that wake me up and keep me from getting a restful sleep. I dealt with it all when I was pregnant. Here I am two weeks post D&C and I have yet to sleep through the night. It's been more than two months since I last slept all the way through the night.
I'm desperate.
I have always been the girl who needs 8 hours of sleep. I've never had sleep issues until the first pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage. Just one more added perk, I guess. I have no problem falling asleep. It's staying asleep that is the problem.
I am tired all day. I have a pretty stressful job as a middle school teacher- especially right now since we are two weeks out from our state testing that sets everything for NCLB. I have a headache most of the morning. This morning it was so bad around 9:00 that I had to hold back tears.
I know that this all could be part of the grieving process. But since this all started before the miscarriage, I don't think that's the case. I am worried that this is now becoming a viscous cycle- I am stressed about not being able to sleep and that is in turn keeping me awake at night. I don't know how to fix this. It's making me more stressed. I am literally sitting here in tears writing this post.
So- does anyone have any suggestions? Is melatonin safe? I'm trying this Natural Calm supplement suggested by a FB friend. I've only taken it one night and didn't have any success last night. Plan on trying it again tonight. I've tried Tylenol PM and even that doesn't keep me asleep. My labs all came back normal from the OB yesterday- so it's not anemia. I haven't been back to the chiropractor since the m/c. I just haven't been able to get the courage to walk back in there after he wasn't able to "save" the pregnancy. I know I need to get my act together and go back. He might be able to help with this too.
I really don't know how much longer I can handle all of this. I haven't seen my PCP in a long time, but I think she might consider an Rx if I asked for it. But I'd like to try as natural an approach as possible. Did a little goo.gle research and looks like low progesterone could be an issue. But I had the same issues when I was on progesterone support. So I don't think that's it either.
Please let me have just a little more sleep tonight....
I'm desperate.
I have always been the girl who needs 8 hours of sleep. I've never had sleep issues until the first pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage. Just one more added perk, I guess. I have no problem falling asleep. It's staying asleep that is the problem.
I am tired all day. I have a pretty stressful job as a middle school teacher- especially right now since we are two weeks out from our state testing that sets everything for NCLB. I have a headache most of the morning. This morning it was so bad around 9:00 that I had to hold back tears.
I know that this all could be part of the grieving process. But since this all started before the miscarriage, I don't think that's the case. I am worried that this is now becoming a viscous cycle- I am stressed about not being able to sleep and that is in turn keeping me awake at night. I don't know how to fix this. It's making me more stressed. I am literally sitting here in tears writing this post.
So- does anyone have any suggestions? Is melatonin safe? I'm trying this Natural Calm supplement suggested by a FB friend. I've only taken it one night and didn't have any success last night. Plan on trying it again tonight. I've tried Tylenol PM and even that doesn't keep me asleep. My labs all came back normal from the OB yesterday- so it's not anemia. I haven't been back to the chiropractor since the m/c. I just haven't been able to get the courage to walk back in there after he wasn't able to "save" the pregnancy. I know I need to get my act together and go back. He might be able to help with this too.
I really don't know how much longer I can handle all of this. I haven't seen my PCP in a long time, but I think she might consider an Rx if I asked for it. But I'd like to try as natural an approach as possible. Did a little goo.gle research and looks like low progesterone could be an issue. But I had the same issues when I was on progesterone support. So I don't think that's it either.
Please let me have just a little more sleep tonight....
Monday, February 20, 2012
Slowly resume "normal"
I had my post-op appointment today. The OB was more than 30 minutes late. There's just nothing like sitting in a paper drape for 30 minutes waiting. But I've always felt like he takes time with me- so I know that's why he is always running late. The actual exam was very fast... it was as if he just "peeked" inside and said everything was healing. Not sure how you can see that in a quick glance, but I am going to take his word.
I did ask him about the possibility of being anemic and he said he would run labs. We almost forgot when we left but had them draw it for us. We also talked about the folgard and he told me to just stay on a prenatal with folic acid and extra iron. As far as next steps... he doesn't think he can help us and directed us to talk with an RE or someone who specializes in RPL. I appreciate his honesty. He did say that he feels he will see us again. We gave him our adoption profile and asked him to add it to their file. He was more than willing to do so.
He told us that we are supposed to slowly resume normal activity. Of course that's easier said than done. It does mean that we can finally return to normal marriage activity... something that hasn't happened since I peed on the HPT in December. Of course he told us that we have to us protection. Let me remind you that Chris and I have been together since high school. We haven't had to use much in the way of protection over the years. I was more than overwhelmed in the aisle in Tar.get tonight! Oh well, one more thing that will be funny someday. The OB also told me I can slowly start working out again. I haven't laced up my running shoes since before Thanksgiving. Hoping to feel some motivation to do that again soon.
So, the bottom line... how do I really go back to "normal" How do you move on from a third miscarriage in a little over a year? How do you ever go back to normal? Chris and I had a heart to heart this afternoon about it all. I have learned that he doesn't grieve the same way that I do. We've grown from all of this heartache. He is ready to move forward. He has already grieved and is ready to look forward. It's not so easy for me. I find myself holding my breath at times at how much my heart is breaking. But there's a tiny part of me that is starting to break free and feel hopeful. I am feeling such a sense of urgency that I haven't felt before. I've always wanted motherhood more than anything but now it is an ache that is constantly there. It is always in my thoughts. I am trying to focus that energy on adoption marketing and trying to believe that our match is out there. We just have to find it.
In other news, Chris was in a car accident on Thursday. He is absolutely ok, but his car is not. Of course his car is the one we haven't paid off yet. There was a big chance it was going to be considered totaled, but the body shop called this afternoon to let us know that they will be able to fix it. This is a HUGE relief. We just can't afford a car purchase right now in the midst of our adoption. It was a tense few days here, as the accident was Chris' fault and I had a really hard time not being mad at him. I've come to terms with it and we're in a good place. It was just hard to swallow one more negative event in the midst of all we've been through.
As a highlight, Chris' HS swim team had a GREAT sectional meet. He has three relays and seven individual events heading to the State meet this weekend. I am so excited for him and his boys. He is poised to finish in the top 5 of the state, which would be a huge feat for his team. So excited that I'll be able to be at the meet on Friday and witness it all myself. It's sometimes hard to sit in the stands with the parents but I love being there to see the look in Chris' face after a great swim. One of the families has become very close to us and has actually helped us financially with our adoption. I am looking forward to having the time with those parents as we wait for the meet.
So we're trying to figure out what normal is for us. For now, it's swimming and school and working hard on adoption marketing. And hoping that the tears and heartache are a minimum.
I did ask him about the possibility of being anemic and he said he would run labs. We almost forgot when we left but had them draw it for us. We also talked about the folgard and he told me to just stay on a prenatal with folic acid and extra iron. As far as next steps... he doesn't think he can help us and directed us to talk with an RE or someone who specializes in RPL. I appreciate his honesty. He did say that he feels he will see us again. We gave him our adoption profile and asked him to add it to their file. He was more than willing to do so.
He told us that we are supposed to slowly resume normal activity. Of course that's easier said than done. It does mean that we can finally return to normal marriage activity... something that hasn't happened since I peed on the HPT in December. Of course he told us that we have to us protection. Let me remind you that Chris and I have been together since high school. We haven't had to use much in the way of protection over the years. I was more than overwhelmed in the aisle in Tar.get tonight! Oh well, one more thing that will be funny someday. The OB also told me I can slowly start working out again. I haven't laced up my running shoes since before Thanksgiving. Hoping to feel some motivation to do that again soon.
So, the bottom line... how do I really go back to "normal" How do you move on from a third miscarriage in a little over a year? How do you ever go back to normal? Chris and I had a heart to heart this afternoon about it all. I have learned that he doesn't grieve the same way that I do. We've grown from all of this heartache. He is ready to move forward. He has already grieved and is ready to look forward. It's not so easy for me. I find myself holding my breath at times at how much my heart is breaking. But there's a tiny part of me that is starting to break free and feel hopeful. I am feeling such a sense of urgency that I haven't felt before. I've always wanted motherhood more than anything but now it is an ache that is constantly there. It is always in my thoughts. I am trying to focus that energy on adoption marketing and trying to believe that our match is out there. We just have to find it.
In other news, Chris was in a car accident on Thursday. He is absolutely ok, but his car is not. Of course his car is the one we haven't paid off yet. There was a big chance it was going to be considered totaled, but the body shop called this afternoon to let us know that they will be able to fix it. This is a HUGE relief. We just can't afford a car purchase right now in the midst of our adoption. It was a tense few days here, as the accident was Chris' fault and I had a really hard time not being mad at him. I've come to terms with it and we're in a good place. It was just hard to swallow one more negative event in the midst of all we've been through.
As a highlight, Chris' HS swim team had a GREAT sectional meet. He has three relays and seven individual events heading to the State meet this weekend. I am so excited for him and his boys. He is poised to finish in the top 5 of the state, which would be a huge feat for his team. So excited that I'll be able to be at the meet on Friday and witness it all myself. It's sometimes hard to sit in the stands with the parents but I love being there to see the look in Chris' face after a great swim. One of the families has become very close to us and has actually helped us financially with our adoption. I am looking forward to having the time with those parents as we wait for the meet.
So we're trying to figure out what normal is for us. For now, it's swimming and school and working hard on adoption marketing. And hoping that the tears and heartache are a minimum.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Tired of being STRONG
I'm going to warn all of you right now... this is a rambling post of a woman who is not in a great place. Feel free to click away right now. I need to "dump" my thoughts here so that I can start to heal and move on. That has always been one of the chief reasons I've kept this blog.
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Today was my first day back in the "real world" after the D&C last week. It's the first day back to normal- back to life before the latest pregnancy. First day back at work not pregnant. I survived but I'm tired. Literally tired... and tired of being strong.
It took every single ounce of strength I had this morning. I'll admit that I didn't have the best attitude when I walked out the door. It's so frustrating to spend each and every day with other people's children. Since I am a special education teacher, I work with many families who are less than ideal. Parents who have little to no parenting skills and some have even told me that they simply have no desire to be parents. It rips at my heart when I hear things like this. After the most recent heartbreak, I am at the point that I would give just about anything to be a parent. (Ok, I've been at that point for a long time)
As a treat to get through the day, I told myself that I could stop at Starb.ucks and get whatever coffee I wanted. Before this pregnancy, I was a regular at the location close to school. They know what I drink and such. But I haven't been in but once since the start of the year. I was really looking forward to it my entire drive into school. Just as a pull into a spot, a very pregnant woman and her husband walk in to the store. No big deal, I am a big girl and the world is full of pregnant women. It was just the three of us in the store. They are also apparently regulars too. Again, no big deal, get me my coffee and we'll all be good.
Only it appears that the couple was on their way to be induced.... and you can imagine what the conversation went to when this came up in conversation. Both the baristas chimed in with their birth stories. That's just what happens. I literally stood there wanting the floor the open up and swallow me right there. I waited for my coffee and thankfully other people came in. But the conversation continued. It was the first time that I literally had to hold back tears. When the barista asked me where I'd been, I was able to squeak out that I had been sick. What else was I going to say? I got my coffee and then proceeded to burst into tears in my car.
Seriously, I don't know what I did to piss off the universe. I am so tired of being strong. My heart is breaking right now. I think it's really starting to sink in that we lost another pregnancy. And this time it was different... seeing the heartbeat makes this more real. I am not even sure how I will deal with the testing results when we get them. And then we have the adoption fall through. While it was only a short time that it was real, we still can't get any answers from the SW in Florida. I just don't understand why we can't even get a phone call returned. I just want to know that the baby has been placed in a loving home.
To make things even more fun, I am still having random bursts of cramping and bleeding. It slows down to almost nothing, and then WHAM I have a gush and cramping. I realize it hasn't even been a week since the D&C, but enough already. I don't need this crap anymore. With my luck, this will go on for weeks.
Just to add some more fun to this week- our SW is coming on Wednesday for a "maintenance" check of our house. Chris will be home when she comes. I am not going to freak out about making sure everything is spotless. I just don't have the energy. We're also coming up on the point that we need to start renewing all of our clearances and such. We'll have to renew our homestudy too. Let's hope we don't have to do that more than once.
While I have obviously been driven in our quest to be parents, I am feeling an extreme sense of urgency now. It is consuming almost all of my thoughts. Everything else- like working- just seems to be less important right now. Yet, there is nothing I can do to move things along. I don't have control over anything at this point. I just have to go through the days marking the passage of time.
I know that it will get better. It hasn't even been a week since the D&C. I know that I need to heal- physically and emotionally. I just worry that there will come a time when the scars become so deep that I am no longer the person I want to be. I am worried that I will become so scarred from all of this that I will not be able to be a good wife, friend... and parent.
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Today was my first day back in the "real world" after the D&C last week. It's the first day back to normal- back to life before the latest pregnancy. First day back at work not pregnant. I survived but I'm tired. Literally tired... and tired of being strong.
It took every single ounce of strength I had this morning. I'll admit that I didn't have the best attitude when I walked out the door. It's so frustrating to spend each and every day with other people's children. Since I am a special education teacher, I work with many families who are less than ideal. Parents who have little to no parenting skills and some have even told me that they simply have no desire to be parents. It rips at my heart when I hear things like this. After the most recent heartbreak, I am at the point that I would give just about anything to be a parent. (Ok, I've been at that point for a long time)
As a treat to get through the day, I told myself that I could stop at Starb.ucks and get whatever coffee I wanted. Before this pregnancy, I was a regular at the location close to school. They know what I drink and such. But I haven't been in but once since the start of the year. I was really looking forward to it my entire drive into school. Just as a pull into a spot, a very pregnant woman and her husband walk in to the store. No big deal, I am a big girl and the world is full of pregnant women. It was just the three of us in the store. They are also apparently regulars too. Again, no big deal, get me my coffee and we'll all be good.
Only it appears that the couple was on their way to be induced.... and you can imagine what the conversation went to when this came up in conversation. Both the baristas chimed in with their birth stories. That's just what happens. I literally stood there wanting the floor the open up and swallow me right there. I waited for my coffee and thankfully other people came in. But the conversation continued. It was the first time that I literally had to hold back tears. When the barista asked me where I'd been, I was able to squeak out that I had been sick. What else was I going to say? I got my coffee and then proceeded to burst into tears in my car.
Seriously, I don't know what I did to piss off the universe. I am so tired of being strong. My heart is breaking right now. I think it's really starting to sink in that we lost another pregnancy. And this time it was different... seeing the heartbeat makes this more real. I am not even sure how I will deal with the testing results when we get them. And then we have the adoption fall through. While it was only a short time that it was real, we still can't get any answers from the SW in Florida. I just don't understand why we can't even get a phone call returned. I just want to know that the baby has been placed in a loving home.
To make things even more fun, I am still having random bursts of cramping and bleeding. It slows down to almost nothing, and then WHAM I have a gush and cramping. I realize it hasn't even been a week since the D&C, but enough already. I don't need this crap anymore. With my luck, this will go on for weeks.
Just to add some more fun to this week- our SW is coming on Wednesday for a "maintenance" check of our house. Chris will be home when she comes. I am not going to freak out about making sure everything is spotless. I just don't have the energy. We're also coming up on the point that we need to start renewing all of our clearances and such. We'll have to renew our homestudy too. Let's hope we don't have to do that more than once.
While I have obviously been driven in our quest to be parents, I am feeling an extreme sense of urgency now. It is consuming almost all of my thoughts. Everything else- like working- just seems to be less important right now. Yet, there is nothing I can do to move things along. I don't have control over anything at this point. I just have to go through the days marking the passage of time.
I know that it will get better. It hasn't even been a week since the D&C. I know that I need to heal- physically and emotionally. I just worry that there will come a time when the scars become so deep that I am no longer the person I want to be. I am worried that I will become so scarred from all of this that I will not be able to be a good wife, friend... and parent.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Lost
We've been on this path to parenthood for almost twelve years. I really thought we were finally on the "right" path and was feeling confident about the choices we've made. However, the events of the past month have left me feeling lost. I have no idea where to go from here. The ultimate destination has never changed- I just have no flipping clue how the heck we are going to get there. And to be really brutally honest, I just don't know how to find the stamina to keep fighting.
We are fully committed to our adoption plan. I feel in my heart that we are meant to be parents through adoption. It's just hard to understand why each time we seem to be making strides towards our adoption, I get pregnant. It's no secret that I have little faith left in terms of a "greater plan" for our lives but this just makes me question that even more. Why in the world did I manage to get pregnant twice in just over 6 months? Why did we get farther than we've even been with this pregnancy? Why does it seem that we get just a little closer each and every time? Why were we given the hope of a heartbeat only to lose it a short time later?
And then let's add in the adoption situation that went from a sure thing to not even getting calls back. We were so close- albeit for just a short time- but I actually was planning the details of how we were going to get across the country and meet the needs of this little girl. It was so real and made me realize how ready we really are to become parents... even at a moment's notice. My heart still aches for that little angel and I hope and pray that she is being loved and cared for at this very moment. I'll probably never know how her story ends up and I'll always hold a place in my heart for her.
So where do we go from here? I'm questioning every single decision we've made in the past year. I'm afraid to make the wrong choices going forward. I want to take all the paths at once- I want to move forward and split myself in every single direction just so that in the end I know that we'll finally get our miracle- that we'll finally have the moment with the baby that was meant to be in our arms.
Considering talking with some RPL specialists and maybe even looking into a consult with Dr. Kwak Kim- since she is local to me. We've both agreed that we do want to talk to Dr. Sch. to get his thoughts on the recent loss. Hoping we'll get some answers from the genetic testing that will also shed some light on this loss. But the bottom line- I don't know that I want to consider treatment again. We can't afford IVF- so it would mean looking into other treatments that would still be covered by insurance. The thought of monitoring appointments makes me start breaking out in hives. But we got so close... what if the next time is THE time I can finally keep a pregnancy. And then I consider the fact that I am sitting here healing from a D&C and wonder just how much more my body and soul can take.
We need to get more aggressive with our adoption plans. We made the best decisions we could with the resources we had. I wish we could sign with a more aggressive agency but that just isn't in the cards for us. I need to look at other marketing opportunities and find other creative ways to get our information out there. I'm frustrated that we can't use the largest online parent profile site because we live in Illinois. I'm looking into some of the other sites and trying to see if its worth it for us to place ads there. Our current marketing person really believes in newspaper ads- and I just don't necessarily agree with that plan. It's crazy expensive, and I just don't see that as being where an expectant parent would look for a potential adoptive family. I am trying to believe that the right match is out there for us- we just have to wait.
We've been patient. We've endured so much over the past twelve years. We've had so much heartache in the past two years. We're not getting any younger. I'll be 37 next month and Chris will be 39 in May. We're ready. We're so very ready. We just need to find the way.
I'd love to hear your thoughts... if you were in our shoes, what would you do? Can you help us get some light on our path?
We are fully committed to our adoption plan. I feel in my heart that we are meant to be parents through adoption. It's just hard to understand why each time we seem to be making strides towards our adoption, I get pregnant. It's no secret that I have little faith left in terms of a "greater plan" for our lives but this just makes me question that even more. Why in the world did I manage to get pregnant twice in just over 6 months? Why did we get farther than we've even been with this pregnancy? Why does it seem that we get just a little closer each and every time? Why were we given the hope of a heartbeat only to lose it a short time later?
And then let's add in the adoption situation that went from a sure thing to not even getting calls back. We were so close- albeit for just a short time- but I actually was planning the details of how we were going to get across the country and meet the needs of this little girl. It was so real and made me realize how ready we really are to become parents... even at a moment's notice. My heart still aches for that little angel and I hope and pray that she is being loved and cared for at this very moment. I'll probably never know how her story ends up and I'll always hold a place in my heart for her.
So where do we go from here? I'm questioning every single decision we've made in the past year. I'm afraid to make the wrong choices going forward. I want to take all the paths at once- I want to move forward and split myself in every single direction just so that in the end I know that we'll finally get our miracle- that we'll finally have the moment with the baby that was meant to be in our arms.
Considering talking with some RPL specialists and maybe even looking into a consult with Dr. Kwak Kim- since she is local to me. We've both agreed that we do want to talk to Dr. Sch. to get his thoughts on the recent loss. Hoping we'll get some answers from the genetic testing that will also shed some light on this loss. But the bottom line- I don't know that I want to consider treatment again. We can't afford IVF- so it would mean looking into other treatments that would still be covered by insurance. The thought of monitoring appointments makes me start breaking out in hives. But we got so close... what if the next time is THE time I can finally keep a pregnancy. And then I consider the fact that I am sitting here healing from a D&C and wonder just how much more my body and soul can take.
We need to get more aggressive with our adoption plans. We made the best decisions we could with the resources we had. I wish we could sign with a more aggressive agency but that just isn't in the cards for us. I need to look at other marketing opportunities and find other creative ways to get our information out there. I'm frustrated that we can't use the largest online parent profile site because we live in Illinois. I'm looking into some of the other sites and trying to see if its worth it for us to place ads there. Our current marketing person really believes in newspaper ads- and I just don't necessarily agree with that plan. It's crazy expensive, and I just don't see that as being where an expectant parent would look for a potential adoptive family. I am trying to believe that the right match is out there for us- we just have to wait.
We've been patient. We've endured so much over the past twelve years. We've had so much heartache in the past two years. We're not getting any younger. I'll be 37 next month and Chris will be 39 in May. We're ready. We're so very ready. We just need to find the way.
I'd love to hear your thoughts... if you were in our shoes, what would you do? Can you help us get some light on our path?
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Home
I'm home and feeling ok. I did get some good drugs in recovery after I had some pretty intense cramping. There were some minor issues with pre/post op but the procedure itself went fine. The OB felt that there was enough tissue for testing. Hoping to have some answers, but given our history, I'm not holding my breath.
Really hoping that I'll finally be able to get some sleep. But so far I can't seem to actually fall asleep.
The OB gave me an Rx for antibiotics and pain meds as well as another drug to doped healing. The nurses also warned me that my hormones will plummet now and I should be prepared to be weepy for a few days.
Thank you again for the outpouring of love and support. I am so very grateful for this community.
Really hoping that I'll finally be able to get some sleep. But so far I can't seem to actually fall asleep.
The OB gave me an Rx for antibiotics and pain meds as well as another drug to doped healing. The nurses also warned me that my hormones will plummet now and I should be prepared to be weepy for a few days.
Thank you again for the outpouring of love and support. I am so very grateful for this community.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Confirmation and Gratitude
Thank you for everyone who took the time to post a comment about what to expect. I was able to read them through the day and it made a tough day much easier with each comment. We are having the D&C done at the hospital in the same day surgery unit. We have asked for chromosome testing and will reiterate that tomorrow. That was one of my reasons for doing the D&C as well as the fact that the last miscarriage took forever to resolve. As far as pain management, I have some "good stuff" that Dr Sch prescribed when I went through my last m/c naturally so I will have that on hand if needed.
When I talked to the nurse from the surgery center, I asked about getting an u/s right before the D&C just for my peace of mind. She said she would call my OB and see what she could do. The OB's nurse called me back and told me that it would be really hard to do right before the procedure since it is so early tomorrow, but that I could come into the office this afternoon. They could get me in mid afternoon. That meant I had to hustle to get my sub plans done but it all worked out in the end.
The tech was very kind and explained everything on the screen to me. I needed the confirmation now that I have had the time to let it all sink in. I was able to get the peace of mind I needed from the u/s today to go forward with the D&C. It is very clear that the pregnancy is no longer viable.
I am nervous about the actual procedure, but feel better after reading all of your comments. I am trying to get everything in order so that I can relax at home the rest of the week. I needed to go to my happy place after the u/s so of course I made a stop at Tar.get. I bought myself a nice fluffy blanket to snuggle up on the couch for the next few days. It's in the washing machine right now so that it will be nice and clean and smell like snuggle. Also making some comfort food for dinner- I have a meatloaf in the oven right now. That along with some good ol' Kr.aft Mac N Cheese should provide some nourishment for my body and soul.
My students were absolutely obnoxious today- making it much easier to swallow being away for another week. I am a little concerned about behavior but I have several colleagues checking in on them.
Please think good thoughts for me tomorrow at 8:30 CST. I'll try to post tomorrow afternoon depending on how I am feeling. Thank you again for all of the outpouring of love and support. It means the world to me.
When I talked to the nurse from the surgery center, I asked about getting an u/s right before the D&C just for my peace of mind. She said she would call my OB and see what she could do. The OB's nurse called me back and told me that it would be really hard to do right before the procedure since it is so early tomorrow, but that I could come into the office this afternoon. They could get me in mid afternoon. That meant I had to hustle to get my sub plans done but it all worked out in the end.
The tech was very kind and explained everything on the screen to me. I needed the confirmation now that I have had the time to let it all sink in. I was able to get the peace of mind I needed from the u/s today to go forward with the D&C. It is very clear that the pregnancy is no longer viable.
I am nervous about the actual procedure, but feel better after reading all of your comments. I am trying to get everything in order so that I can relax at home the rest of the week. I needed to go to my happy place after the u/s so of course I made a stop at Tar.get. I bought myself a nice fluffy blanket to snuggle up on the couch for the next few days. It's in the washing machine right now so that it will be nice and clean and smell like snuggle. Also making some comfort food for dinner- I have a meatloaf in the oven right now. That along with some good ol' Kr.aft Mac N Cheese should provide some nourishment for my body and soul.
My students were absolutely obnoxious today- making it much easier to swallow being away for another week. I am a little concerned about behavior but I have several colleagues checking in on them.
Please think good thoughts for me tomorrow at 8:30 CST. I'll try to post tomorrow afternoon depending on how I am feeling. Thank you again for all of the outpouring of love and support. It means the world to me.
What to expect?
Quick post from my phone. Can some of you who've had a d&c tell me what to expect? I've talked to surgical nurse and I'll thankfully be in day surgery not l&d for the procedure. What can I expect pain wise? How does it compare to a retrieval? (other than the obvious happy vs sad part)
Thanks! Starting to freak out a little.
Thanks! Starting to freak out a little.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
heartbroken
Sadly, yesterday's ultrasound showed that the heartbeat has stopped. The gestational sac is measuring right on track now, and the bleed is smaller, but our little bean lost the fight. I am scheduled for a D& C on Tuesday morning. I don't want to repeat the beta hell of the summer and I just can't deal with waiting for a natural m/c at this point. The irony of it all is that I am barely spotting at all anymore.
We are heartbroken to say the least. All of this just doesn't make sense. We spent ten years not being able to get pregnant, even with medical intervention. And now I can get pregnant- three times in 15 months, all ending in miscarriage. Each time we get a little farther than the last time- which is a special kind of torture.
I don't know how much two people can take. We had so many people praying and hoping for us once again. There were candles, rosaries, prayer warriors, you name it. And yet here we are again.
We're strong and we'll get through this like we always do. I'm just tired of having to be strong. Just once I'd like to catch a break. On the adoption front, the social worker in FL won't return calls to our attorney. So- looks like that is also a lost cause.
How did we go from hoping for two little miracles to none in less than a week? And please don't tell me that the right match is out there and that this is all God's plan. I just can't take that right now. For those of you who've "crossed over" please give your little ones an extra tight hug today and remember what a true gift each and every one of them are.
We are heartbroken to say the least. All of this just doesn't make sense. We spent ten years not being able to get pregnant, even with medical intervention. And now I can get pregnant- three times in 15 months, all ending in miscarriage. Each time we get a little farther than the last time- which is a special kind of torture.
I don't know how much two people can take. We had so many people praying and hoping for us once again. There were candles, rosaries, prayer warriors, you name it. And yet here we are again.
We're strong and we'll get through this like we always do. I'm just tired of having to be strong. Just once I'd like to catch a break. On the adoption front, the social worker in FL won't return calls to our attorney. So- looks like that is also a lost cause.
How did we go from hoping for two little miracles to none in less than a week? And please don't tell me that the right match is out there and that this is all God's plan. I just can't take that right now. For those of you who've "crossed over" please give your little ones an extra tight hug today and remember what a true gift each and every one of them are.
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