Christmas Peace

For the first time in many years, I am feeling a sense of peace today. 

Our lives are full of so many people who are so excited to help us welcome our little miracle in 2013.  We've been showered with gifts towards our adoption fund that have brought Chris and I to tears.  We know that there are so many people who are are supporting us in every way that matters.  We don't have a traditional family support system, but we are so amazingly blessed with a family of friends who love and cherish us.  Each person we've shared our exciting news with has been so happy for us and has offered whatever support we need. 

I've been aching for this sense of peace for so long.  I can only imagine the magnitude of the feelings once we have a little one in our arms.  So, my dear friends, I am fully jumping in.  I am going to let go and just hope and believe that all of our struggles and loss have brought us to the moment we hold our little one.  And for this moment, I am going to believe with all my heart that will finally be possible in late March. 

We spent a wonderful Christmas Eve with our very close friends.

Chris and I on Christmas Eve. 

Chris with Maddi & Dante

We had a quiet Christmas just the two of us.  It was so nice to have some quiet time together.  We purchased only practical gifts for one another, but made sure to wrap them in pretty packages.  :)  Romeo was treated to a few squeeky toys that met a very quick demise. 

Romeo really wants to open his stocking!

We went to a movie with our friends last night and then went back to their house for dinner, drinks, and cards.  We made fabulous pumpkin martinis and ate left over ham.  We shared lots of laughter!

Today I am enjoying my first real day of Winter Break.  Doing a little cleaning, catching up on the DVR, snuggling with Romeo, and basking in the glow of this feeling of Peace. 

Wishing you all a sense of peace as we close out 2012. 

Christmas Eve 2012

In Christmases past, I've been frantically getting everything together on Christmas Eve morning for my family to come over.  I have some really fond memories of Christmas Eves when my niece was little and before the family drama got to the point that I had to walk away.  I am feeling some nostalgia this morning, and sad that we can't go back to those magical Christmas Eves with the kids.  I sent gifts for the kids last year with my cousin, and apparently that was very insensitive of me and I was told that I am not allowed to do anything like that again.  My heart is heavy, but I know that I made the right choice and recent events have validated that choice.  It's still a little sad to not have family around you at the holidays, but we are so very blessed to have amazing friends who are more like family to us.  And the upside to that... I don't have to worry about cleaning the house right now and can sit here enjoying a cup of coffee with the glow of the Christmas tree and Romeo curled at my feet. 

Do I dare even say that we're hoping that this is our final Christmas as a family of two?  Could 2013 really be our year?  Feeling very hopeful and terrified all at the same time!

Our lunch with M went well.  We met her at her house and then drove to the restaurant.  It was an interesting menu, and not one I would have chosen, but M had fond memories of the restaurant from her childhood and wanted to take us there.  Chris and I got to spend some quality time with her daughter and M was able to actually eat a meal without a little one trying to keep that from happening!  M talks very loudly, so I am pretty sure the entire restaurant knew our story by the time we left.  Oh well!  She has some misconceptions about the actual adoption process at the hospital that we'll need to get corrected.  She doesn't care for her social worker at the agency, so she asks us most of the questions.  I'm going to call my attorney in a little bit to get some clarification and then call M and let her know. 

M shared a few things about her last OB appointment, and I am a little concerned about a few things.  She's been put on progesterone support to prevent early labor... yikes!  I did a little googling when we got home and worked myself into a frenzy of course.  She has an u/s on Jan 4th and I asked if I could go with her.  She said yes, and in fact is excited she won't have to go by herself for once.  I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am about being able to go and see the little one on the screen.  Also hoping that I can get some reassurance from the OB about what is really going on.  In our experience, M doesn't always hear everything that someone says and needs some clarification herself.  Hoping that being a second pair of ears will also help M. 

M has also requested to see our home for herself.  She feels she needs to see where the baby will be going, and honestly I can't blame her.  She has all of our contact info already, and a quick google search would give you our address.  Chris and I talked about it, and feel that it is the right thing to do.  We've always felt strongly that we wanted an open adoption.  We've been working to develop a relationship with M and sharing our hopes for an open adoption little by little with her. We're hoping for the end of January.  That means Chris has to get some of his home projects done and we might just have to take the leap and..... set up a..... nursery.  Yikes!!!  I am sure that M will want to see more than the single onesie I've allowed myself to purchase.  My good friend has offered to escort me into Babies...R....Us... for the first time.  This might just be the kick in the arse I needed to get over my fears.

I am feeling some peace... there's still the nagging voice in the back of my head that reminds me that this might all fall apart at the 11th hour.  I am trying to keep her as quiet as possible for now.  And the reality that the little one might be here sooner than we expected has pushed her even farther back.  (but of course I started researching about preemies.... !)

Hoping you all have a wonderful Christmas.  For those of you with little miracles, hug them a little tighter and give them a little extra love from Chris and I.  For those of you still in the trenches with me, take good care of yourself and allow yourself to feel whatever comes.  Much love to you all!

Christmas... Past, Present, & Future all in one day!

First off, I apologize for the Blog Silence.  It's been a busy few weeks with work and getting etsy orders filled.  And then the tragedy of last week happened, and I just couldn't find the words to share here about it, so I decided that no words were my contribution to the blogosphere's way of processing it all.  I don't think I have fully processed it- and don't know that I ever will. 

It almost seems trivial to talk about anything else... but I read a quote somewhere about how moving on with "normal" life is often the best way to pay tribute to those who've been lost.  I don't know if that's the right idea, and when we've experienced any sort of loss, I was always pissed that it seemed that life was just going on around me.  But in the end, it was that sense of normal life that helped me to reengage in life.  So that's what I am going to do... try to fully engage in life- this crazy life that we're living!

Today is going to be a whirlwind of emotions.  We're meeting M for lunch today.  It will be the first time we've seen her in person since we've agreed to the adoption plan.  We've communicated a great deal over text.  We had a rocky few days with our agency and some communication pieces with all those involved.   There are so many professionals involved that sometimes it is very frustrating.  We have our attorney that I adore and respect greatly.  She has been our rock through all of this.  Then we have a social worker at the agency who did our homestudy and is also our contact.  Then there is a social worker who is assigned to M through the agency.  While we have a great deal of communication with M, anything with support has to go through the agency and while we are so grateful for that, it can be a challenge with communication.  M talks to her social worker, who talks to our social worker, who calls us.  And sometimes our attorney has to intervene to make things work with this process, and last week the director of the agency got involved as well.  It was an extremely stressful few weeks, but we *finally* feel like everything has been addressed and we can now work on developing a relationship with M and hope that the professionals can work with the system we've all set up.

Chris is at practice this morning.  He'll come home and change and we'll make the 90 minute drive to pick M up and take her to lunch.  She had a Dr appt this week, so hoping we'll have a chance to talk a little about it.  It's such a strange world to live in, and I don't know that anyone prepares you for this. Our initial conversation in person was good, so hoping that things will go smooth today.  I am hoping to feel some sense of peace after today.  We've had so much loss that it is just so darn hard to believe that we will finally be in a place to become parents in a few months.  It's crazy to start thinking about what our Christmas future might hold!

After our lunch with M, we're heading into the city for an annual Christmas party.  We'll see our swimmers from years past who are now all grown up.  It's always so fun to see everyone and we always say we have to get together more than just once a year, but life just gets in the way. It's a little strange to be sharing a bottle of wine with girls you've known since they were 8, but it's also pretty cool at the same time.  They've all become such amazing adults, and it makes my heart swell with pride knowing we had just a little bit to do with that.  We've been a part of so many kids lives, and the idea that we might just finally be able to share our life with a child of our own is almost more than my heart can take.  I am actually tearing up just writing this post...  We've been making this trip into the city for more than a decade, and it's truly one of the highlights of our Christmas.

With that, I need to actually consider getting dressed for our big adventures.  Thinking of you all today, and still feeling so full of gratitude for the love and support you have all shown us!

My Heart is Full

There simply aren't words to express how full my heart is from all of the kindness that has been showered on me from all of you.  The orders from my etsy shop and the donations to our good wishes page have seriously made me cry tears of gratitude.  I am so thankful for each and every one of you who have taken the time to support us in this way.  We still have a long way to go in terms of meeting the financial obligations related to this adoption plan, but we are getting closer each and every day.  We are fortunate to have friends who have offered to help us with some of the large costs up front while we continue to fund raise. 

It's been another exhausting week working to get everything thing in place for M.  She has connected with Chris and has been texting him daily.  I am forever grateful that he has such a calm and charismatic personality and is able to work with M.  We feel strongly that we are meant to be in M's life- not just in terms of the adoption, but also to help support her and make an impact in her life.  It is not going to be an easy four months, but we knew that when we agreed to the match. 

I took a few more leaps this week.  I told my boss and got the necessary paperwork to apply for FMLA.  I haven't filled any of it out- that leap will have to wait for another day.  :)  Chris shared the news with the Parent Board of our swim team.  We've slowly shared the news with those closest to us, and even some outside of our inner circle.  I might have even started to pin some ideas for a potential nursery. 

My heart is so full of gratitude and hope, but yet I find myself struggling.  Chris and I had a rough evening last night, and it really was my fault.  I was in such a foul mood and I found myself in tears over really stupid stuff.  I am super emotional right now.  I couldn't figure it out what the heck was wrong with me- why aren't I on cloud nine?

And then it hit me.

I am terrified.

Hope scares the crap out of me.  We're closer to our dream of parenting than we have ever been.  While there always going to be questions and the chance we will end up with empty arms, there is no reason to believe that will be the case.  So why can't I let go?  I want to let go of all the loss and heartache of the past and be able to truly embrace and enjoy the role of potential adoptive parent.  I want to be able to consider the notion of setting up a nursery.  I want to be able to accept the excitement of those we love when we tell them about the adoption without tempering their excitement with all of the cautionary tales of what could go wrong.

One of my closest friends and I were talking about all of this.  She shared that she envisions my heart as being made of glass- and that I am just trying hard to protect it.  It's really not that I feel that there are reservations about M placing.  It's just the idea in general- that we might actually really end up with our precious tiny miracle.  I'm just so damn scared to put my heart all the way into this.  I'm putting on a good face with those around me, but inside I am terrified.

I need to find a way to get over this.  We can't do this for the next four months.  So- any words of wisdom you can provide?

And again... thank you for filling my heart with so much gratitude with your love and support. That glass heart of mine is bursting with all of the love you've shared with me.  I just need to find some steel to go around it! I really couldn't imagine getting through all of this without all of you.

Thank You

Thank you for all of the words of congratulations and support.  It means so very much to both Chris and I.  This has been a LONG time coming, and I am trying to embrace hope and believe this will be our happy ever after.

It is becoming a little more real with each time we share our news with someone close to us.  There have been tears of joy, lots of hugs, and offers of support.  We're still a little guarded with the news just yet, but have loved sharing it with those who are closest to our heart. 

M had told us that she didn't want to find out the gender of the baby, but that she would have the nurse write it down and send it to us.  It appears that the technician didn't know that plan, and at her u/s yesterday blurted out the gender of the baby.  She texted Chris right away to tell us. Oh my word, this makes it feel so much more real.  I even let myself to start thinking about names and a nursery theme.  Can I really take the full leap?  Can I pretend that I don't carry the baggage of so much loss and just go on as a normal person preparing for a baby in a few months? 

One of the biggest challenges is that we need to do some fundraising to make the large initial payment to our agency.  We've made a partial payment, but need to come up with the balance asap.  Thankfully, I've had some sales in my etsy shop lately, and Chris is getting ready to do some private lessons over winter break.  I am selling my creations at an open house/cookie exchange tomorrow and may do an open house next weekend too.... I just need to get some inventory made!  :)

You can help by sharing links to my etsy shop.... PB Creations at Etsy and share links to our Good Wishes Page.  I am also working on getting a video put together so we can apply to be a family on the Give1Save1 domestic blog.  I am trying to come up with something creative, but haven't had a strike of genius yet. 

Thank you for being part of our journey and being a source of support and comfort.  Thank you in advance for keeping me sane during the next four months!