Beautiful Young Adults

I thought about posting about Mother's Day today and all the emotions I have rolling on in my head.

But I decided that I am not going to do that.  

Instead, I am going to share with you some photos that were taken last night.  Chris and I were honored to be invited to the pre-prom party for some of our swimmers.  I honestly got a little teary when I saw these amazing kids all dressed up for their prom.  We've known a few of these kids since they were 8- and all of them for the past five years.  We've seen them grow into such beautiful young adults- inside and out.  We've been blessed to be a part of their lives outside of the pool.  We've been welcomed into their families and been able to help nurture their spirits as well as their bodies in the pool.  We hope that one day our own children will be as successful, kind, intelligent, driven, and amazing as these young adults.

Two of these boys will be swimming at the Olympic Trials next month!  Their parents have become like family to us.  They've supported us in so many ways along our adoption journey and can't wait to spoil our child as their kids move onto college!

The famous pose these boys have to do with Chris.  I'm not even sure when it started or why.  We have this pose in just about every possible situation... but this is the first one in tuxedos!

Just a few of the beautiful ladies we've come to know through the crazy world of swimming.  It has been such an honor to see them grow and become beautiful inside and out!

Chris and Allie- We've known this young woman since she was a scrawny 8 year old.  She has blossomed into a such an amazing young woman. Thankful we've got one more year before she heads off to college.  Can't wait to see what her future holds! (And yes, it was a little chilly outside....)

 We are so very blessed.  While I am sad that we don't have the relationship we'd hoped for with our biological families, we are so thankful for the extended family we have with our swimmers and their families.  Another one of our former swimmers graduates from the University of Illinois today and several others in the coming weeks.  While it breaks my heart to know that we're still waiting for the opportunity to become parents. we are so proud to be a part of these young lives each and every day.  We also know that our future child will be loved by so many and can't wait to share the life experiences with our extended family. 

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Nothing new to report on my last post.  I haven't done anything to get an answer.  Decided this weekend wasn't the time.  More on that later. 

Friends

I have been so very blessed to have amazing people come into our lives.  If you read my blog regularly, you know that I don't have a great relationship with my family.  I am recently coming to terms with this and can say I am almost at the point of acceptance.

Chris and I are so lucky to have amazing people in our lives.  In the most recent crisis with the storm, several friends dropped everything to come to our rescue.  John & Miriam have become our closest friends over the past few years.  We tell everyone on the swim team we went to high school together.  We may not have been in school at the same time, but three of us all went to the same high school.  :)  John came over on Friday in the midst of the storm to check on things since Chris was at a swim meet.  He helped Chris put the tarp up and even brought us some dinner.  I spent the next day at their home where Miriam made me breakfast and lunch.  She opened her home to us as well as another good friend who was also without power.  This is just the most recent example of how amazing these people are.  They took us in on Christmas Eve when my family decided to have something without us.  We enjoy spending time with them and truly feel that they came into our lives at just the right moment.

I also have a very close friend from high school (who happens to read this blog!) She was the maid of honor at our wedding.  We have lost touch over the years, but have recently become close again.  Mandy has been an amazing support for me and is always willing to listen when I need to vent about my family.  She has supported me through our IVF failures and has really taken the time to learn about what we are going through so that she can support me.  She even sent me a "thinking of You" card right before Mother's Day.  She is the mom of two adorable children and I was so lucky to get to spend the day with them at the zoo while they were in town.   I am inspired by her, and hope to be half the mom she is someday.  (Thanks Mandy... you have been a rock for me!)

I am also blessed to have made amazing friends at work. Middle school teachers are all a little "off" and because of that, we get along great!  They have supported me through my professional life, but also my personal life.  As I was cleaning out my studio yesterday, I came across a pile of cards that my coworker sent or gave to me after our FET failed.  They were filled with touching words of comfort and inspiration.  (Mixed in was a nasty letter I got from my mom telling me how selfish I am, but that is another story all together)  It was the kindness of my coworkers that made it possible for me to get back to the real world.

It makes it so much easier to deal with what is going on with my family knowing that there are good people in the world, and people who think Chris and I are good people.  We have met some amazing people through swimming who are still some of our good friends today.  While I am sad that our future children may not have an official extended family, they will be loved and cherished by our friends.  To me, that means the world. 

Remembering

Photo taken by ME at the 4th of July Parade 2009

 

Today we remember.  We remember those who have given the ultimate sacrifice for the freedoms we enjoy each and every day.  Thank you to those who have served and to those who are currently serving.  In today's climate, we often take the freedoms we have for granted.  I truly am filled with immense gratitude to those who have given their life for the USA.

I was so moved by the photos shared on The Pioneer Woman's website.  Please take a few moments to look at what "homecoming" means to so many of our military families.

A special shout out to my close friend, Mandy, and her husband Jim who is an active Marine.  Thank you for the sacrifices you have made for our country!  (I am also thrilled that I will get to spend the day with Mandy and her two little ones this week... can't wait!)

 Grandpa & me 1976

I am also taking a moment to remember my grandfather, who had a huge impact on creating the woman I am today.  He was taken from us suddenly in 2002 just before I learned of our first ectopic pregnancy.  I hope that he is taking care of all of my angel babies and watching over the child that will one day come to be our own.  He was a man of integrity and charm, and is missed as much today as ever.  He taught me what patriotism was and the importance of thanking those who have served our country.

College Graduation 1997

Take a moment today to remember.  Remember those who have given their lives in service, and those who have taught us what it means to be a true hero.

Christmas Morning

Merry Christmas! I am still waiting for Chris to fully wake up so that we can open presents this morning. We had a wonderful time last night. We went to a newer restaraunt here in town called David's Bistro. We both had AMAZING meals. I love how they decorate the downtown area with each of the trees lining Main Street covered in lights. It was really pretty despite the fact that it was raining... yep, raining! We then went to our good friends' house where they were hosting their families. We were there in time for dessert and to track Santa at Norad with the kids. That is one of my favorite traditions each Christmas Eve. We sure didn't have a way to track Santa like that when I was a kid! :)

I have a breakfast casserole in the oven that I made last night. Hoping it turns out better than last year's attempt. The stockings are stuffed and Romeo is beside himself because he REALLY wants to get into his. The cat is also circling their stocking as I speak as there is catnip in it too.

Really hoping there is no drama today at my aunt's house. I really want to have a nice Christmas with my extended family. I sent an email to mom asking her to put things aside for the day and let's just say her response was less than cordial. We are in a facebook status war right now that is actually quite funny when you step back and look at it. Oh well. I know Chris is just as angry as I am and I hope he is able to keep his emotions in check through the day.

Onto brighter things, I am hopeful that this will be the last Christmas that Santa doesn't make a stop at our house. Hoping that 2010 brings wonderful things to us and all those who have been there for Chris and I during the past year. We are so blessed to have so many close friends who care about us and our children yet to be. Trying to focus on the positives today and the rest of the year!

Christmas Eve

It's Christmas Eve once again.  Usually I am preparing my house for my immediate family to come over for dinner and presents.  Not this year.  Due to some typical family drama, I am not only not hosting Christmas Eve, but Chris and I have been excluded from tonight's festivities.  I was (okay maybe still am) mad about the whole thing, but am thankful that I can sit here on my couch instead of cleaning right now.  I am sad that I won't get to spend time with my niece and nephews.  Being around them has been my saving grace in Christmases past.  But this year I actually have hope that this really might be our last Christmas without a child of our own. 

So what are we going to do tonight?  I think we are going to go out to a nice dinner- that will probably still cost less than I would have spent on food if I was hosting.  We'll then head over to our good friend's house for dessert and some drinks.  They have been more than amazing this year and have been closer than our actual family.  Maybe it is fitting that we spend Christmas Eve with them instead of my family.  I found a recipe for a breakfast casserole for Chris and I to have while opening presents in the morning.  Looking forward to seeing Chris open the presents I got for him this year.

Tomorrow we will go over to my aunt's house.  I offered to make lasagna and bring it over as our main course.  She was more than willing to let me do that!  :)  I made two trays yesterday and they are in my fridge all ready to go.  Things could be interesting tomorrow as my parents and sister will be there as well.  I plan to take the high road and just ignore my sister's dramatics and really try to enjoy the time with my niece and nephews and the rest of my family.  I know our Christmases with Grandma are numbered, so I want to take the time to cherish her.  She has been compassionate towards me and I truly value my relationship with her.  I am sad that my kids will probably not have the same relationship with my mother.  I am comforted in the fact that we have such an extended network of friends that our children will be loved by many people.

On the treatment front, I am just on Birth Control Pills right now to keep things on schedule.  I ordered my medications several weeks ago and the mail order pharmacy run by my insurance company couldn't get their act together  and even tried to charge me more than the retail pharmacy for lupron and the other medications!  I finally canceled the entire order with them and placed the order with Freedom.  They called me the same day and things are set to be delivered on Monday, two days before I need them.  I tried to be proactive and order weeks in advance, but that just didn't work out.  Oh well!  I start the lupron on December 30th.  Happy New Year to me!  LOL.  I stay on BCP until the 5th of January and then start the Vivelle Patches on January 10th.  Not really looking forward to the patches as I have an allergy to adhesive.  The things we do! 

I plan to do my typical year in review post after the holidays... but as much as this post is a downer, I am so very thankful for the past year and do have a great deal to be thankful for.  Hoping to enjoy the holidays and move onto January which could bring very big things to the Bertana house!  :)

Looking back on 2008

Here it is... the end of 2008. I wanted to take some time to reflect on the year before looking forward to 2009.

A few years ago I stopped making resolutions and making INTENTIONS for the year. Here were my intentions for 2008:

1. Complete Adoption Homestudy and become licensed foster parents
We really didn't do anything with this as I think we still needed time to heal from the failed adoption. Recently I have really felt a calling to look into becoming foster parents, so I know this is something we will continue to reflect on in 2009.

2. Make a decision regarding fertility treatments
This is the 800 lb gorilla in the room right now. We have talked about it, but we REALLY need to make a decision. 2008 was not the year, but I am hoping to finally find some closure in regards to treatment in 2009. I really think the failed adoption had a deeper impact than either of us realized. I think 2008 was a year of healing and learning to hope again. Both Chris and I are in a better place now and are looking forward to making some decisions in the coming months.

3. I will finish a 5k without stopping
While I didn't run an entire 5k, I sure did a lot of running in 2008! Who would have thought that I would participate in 3 separate events in one year. One of them was even an 8k! This is something that I plan to continue this winter. I plan to participate in several races again and really hope to be able to RUN a complete 5k in 2009. We even used running as the "theme" for our Christmas card this year!

4. I will have dinner with Grandma twice a month
I suppose by now you see the trend... While I had good intentions, this didn't really happen. I have recently been stopping by to see her more often and realize how precious she really is. She is a big part of the woman I am today and I am working to spend more time with her regularly.

5. I will start a Master's Program
Finally, something I can say YES I did. I started a program in August and will finish in November of 2009. It is a very intense program, so much of my time has been devoted to homework and readings for class. I am so happy that I started the program and really am enjoying being a student again. I am getting a degree in Reading and Literacy which will allow me to become a reading specialist if I choose. I already feel that I am a better teacher and feel a new sense of energy and purpose in my teaching. I wish I had started a program sooner, as I realize now how important it is to nurture myself. It is nice to put something other than infertility in the front of my mind for a change.
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I have also worked on cultivating my marriage and being the wife I know Chris deserves. I know it is cliche' but I really love him more today than I did the day I married him all those years ago. We've learned to love our uniqueness and challenges. Our marriage is truly stronger than it has ever been. I know this is all part of the plan for us and I truly hope that we have laid the foundation for us to complete our family in some way or another in 2009.

We are both happy in our careers and love what we do. We are blessed to have many close friends that we spend time with. We are getting more and more financially secure and learning how to manage our money. We continue to work on our home and have created a place that is not only comfortable for us but also a place we are proud to share with our friends and family. We are fortunate to have three pets who shower us with unconditional love (and the occasional slobbery mess!)

While I didn't accomplish most of my intentions, I don't regret any of my decisions in 2008. It was a good year, and one where I learned a great deal about myself. My life is full of many blessings and I look forward to the new challenges of 2009.

May 2009 be full of love and joy for everyone who is a part of our lives...

Go, Cubs, Go!

I have been a Chicago Cubs fan since I was a little girl watching the game with my grandfather. My dad is not a baseball fan at all, so it was my grandfather who instilled the love of the Cubs. In 1984, I was in the fourth grade and collected baseball cards for the first time. I was in LOVE with all of the Cubs players.

Fast forward to 2003... I had lost Grandpa suddenly in December of 2002. The Cubs hadn't had a great season since 1984. While I was still a Cubs fan at heart, I had lost interest in the game for the most part. I married a Cubs fan, so we watched games but it wasn't a passion. But then the Cubs made it to the play-offs that year. I was consumed with watching every game. It was my connection to grandpa. My cousin Kristen and I would watch games in our own homes and then talk about it on Instant Messenger. She was at school at ISU and had to deal with the Cardinal fans all around her. Thankfully I was surrounded by Cubs fans at home and work. I even covered a bulletin board in my classroom with newspaper clippings about the Cubs. I simply couldn't get enough. And then I was crushed when they lost to the Marlins... in some strange way it was like losing grandpa all over again. Silly, I know... but I was feeling so connected to him during those games. However, I have been a die hard fan since that day! I watch many of the games and have been to Wrigley more times since 2003 than in my entire life before that.

So here we are again... the Cubs are two wins (or losses by Milwaukee) to clinching the division title. I can't get enough of it. Once again, I am thinking of grandpa and wishing he was here to see the Cubs actually be a GOOD team with play-off possibilities. I still miss him very much and think of him every day... especially when the Cubs are on! I hope he is watching from Heaven and will be able to see his Cubs finally win the World Series!

What made me think of all of this... Eddie Vedder of Pearl Jam has released a great new Cubs song and it was playing on the radio this morning. It is available to download at pearljam.com

Here are the words:

“All the Way”

Yeah, don’t let them say that it’s just a game.
Well, I’ve seen other teams and it is never the same.
When you go to Chicago, you’re blessed and you’re healed,
The first time you walk into Wrigley Field.

Heroes with pinstripes and heroes in blue, Give us the chance to feel like heroes do.
Whether we’ll win and if we should lose, we know Someday we’ll go all the way.
Yeah, someday we’ll go all the way.

We are one with the Cubs, with the Cubs we’re in love.
Hold our heads tall as the underdogs.
We are not fairweather, but farweather fans.
Like brothers in arms, in the suites and the stands.
There’s magic in the Ivy and the old score board.
The same one I stared at as a kid keeping score.
In a world full of greed, we could never want more.
Someday we’ll go all the way.
Yeah, someday we’ll go all the way.

Here’s to the men and the legends we’ve known.
Giving us faith and giving us hope.
United we stand and united we’ll fall
Down to our knees the day we win it all.
Yeah Ernie Banks said, “oh, let’s play two”.
I think he meant two hundred years.
Playing at Wrigley, our diamond, our jewel.
The home of our joy and our fears.
Keeping traditions, and wishes anew,
The place where our grandfathers’ fathers they grew.
The spiritual feeling if I ever knew.
And when the day comes for that last winning run, and I’m crying and covered with beer.
I look to the sky and know I was right today.
Someday we’ll go all the way.
Yeah, someday we’ll go all the way

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Pretty much sums it all up for me! While they lost today to those silly Cardinals, I know that we will clinch that division this weekend... fingers crossed! Then the madness and craziness will start all over again!

Reflections

I work at a school that has a very close knit staff. Frankly, it is one of the main reasons I stay at the school. I simply love the people I work with. It is as close to a family as one can get... honestly I spend more time with these people during the school year than I do with anyone in my family.

We've had a great deal of loss over the past years. We lost a friend and coworker last year. Several of the teachers have lost their spouses to terrible illnesses and accidents. Sadly, I just heard that another staff member has lost her husband after a long battle with illness. My heart breaks for her. We've taught on the same team for the past 8 years. She truly is an amazing mother and wife and some how always found time to do it all. She has three children, the youngest of which will be a sophomore in college this fall. They were living the American Dream... their youngest child was "out of the nest" and they were ready to start living their lives together, just the two of them. They have raised their children well and deserved to live and experience life together. My only solace is the fact that they had the summer to spend together and say their goodbyes. I know that Hospice was a big part of making that possible for them. Please keep Patti and her family in your thoughts as they grieve their father and husband.

It is events like this that make me question my faith more than ever. I have often wondered why Chris and I have been dealt the hand of infertility while we long to have children. Here is a family that has been blessed with three children, and now have lost their father. These are good people... I think Chris and I are good people. Why does it seem that the "bad stuff" always happens to good people? Chris and I have strayed from the church in our struggle, but I know so many who have strong faith and are active in their church and still suffer much. I am just not sure that I can believe.

Another one of my coworkers and close friends lost her husband a few years ago after a battle with brain cancer. They, too, have 3 amazing children. Her faith is so very strong in spite of her immeasurable grief. She is an inspiration to me, not just for her faith, but in the way she lives her life. I always joke that when I grow up I want to be just like her. She and I have had several conversations about faith and about God. She always tells me that it is okay to be mad at God.. that he can take my anger. And today I am angry. Not for me, but for my friend and her children who will have to become adults and learn to live life without their father and husband.

I am grateful to have Chris in my life. He is my best friend and so much more. We struggle to get along at times, but that is who we are. It's strange how the loss of my coworkers spouse makes me reflect on our infertility and our loss. It's not the same kind of loss, but it is loss. And so I remember today all that we have lost and hope that we will have some resolution to that loss someday.

Happy Birthday Dad!

Today is my dad's birthday. We've always had a pretty good relationship, but we've had our moments as I am sure every dad and daughter does. I am proud to say he's my dad... even if he does make me crazy every once in a while!

Chris is at a meet and my mom is out of town so the two of us went out to lunch. We decided to drive out to Wheeling so we had lots of time to talk in the car. It was nice to hear about his life and all of the jobs he has held. He has done so much in his life. I am hoping I will remember enough of what we talked about to write it all down later. I was able to even ask some questions and gain some insight into his life and my own childhood. It was a really nice day!

Christmas Morning

The house is still quiet... the dogs are up and playing but Chris is still sleeping soundly. Most of the dishes from last night are clean and the house is still pretty put together. I am glad to have this time to reflect on this Christmas and the year that is coming to a close.

We had a really nice Christmas eve. I was more than a little worried after the Thanksgiving explosion between myself and my mom and sister. We've worked nothing out... and I don't think we ever will. But it was nice to put it all aside for one night. I am proud of my home and was happy to decorate for my family. We had a nice dinner and my family even complimented me on the table settings. This is a LONG way from years past when they teased me and even asked if we could just order pizza! We watched the Polar Express as a family. Mom had never seen it so it was neat to see the kids explain it to her. Katrina was very lovey all night... so sweet. I love that little girl so very much. She is becoming a young lady and even rolled her eyes a few times at Uncle Chris! (He deserved it!) Lucais was really good all night too... no temper tantrums and he was fun to play with even. Spencer is starting to really talk... so very good to see! He was so cute with the presents. Since we open one at a time, he would hold his hands together and ask "please" to keep opening another one. Too cute. All in all, a good night. That was not what I expected at all. But I am thankful.

I had some teary moments yesterday. Every time I think I am over the adoption failing, something comes up that opens that wound again. I really didn't think about how hard Christmas was really going to be. I simply love the story people and get a daily email from them. Today's was heartbreaking, but really sums up how I am feeling right now:

"There are lives that I can imagine without children, but none of them have the same laughter and noise."

I think that is what makes Christmas so very hard. I remember how magical Christmas was a child. Somehow that magic slowly slips away as you get older and only returns when you have children of your own. We are lucky to have children in our lives to spoil and enjoy at this time of the year, but none that we call our own. I keep hoping for a Christmas Miracle. I am trying hard to believe but it is getting harder each passing year. We were SO close this year. I wish I knew what direction to head now. We've opened our hearts to a child... in whatever way that comes. Yet, we are celebrating another Christmas just to two of us.

As we head into 2008, I am blessed with a stronger marriage than ever. We have a home that we are finally proud of and many friends who enrich our lives. We both have careers that touch the lives of children and feel a sense of purpose in that arena of our lives. We know that we are blessed beyond so many others. We hope that these blessing continue to bring more joy and laughter into our lives in 2008. But more than anything, I pray that this is the last Christmas that we feel the ache of wanting a child. I pray that we find some resolution in 2008.

I suppose I should let Chris sleep a little longer. :-) I'll make some coffee in a little bit to rouse him. Ever since I was a child, I couldn't sleep on Christmas morning. At least I am getting better... we used to get up at 4 am as kids! Now I can sleep until at least 7! We'll open presents together and then have a nice breakfast. I think I might try biscuits and gravy again. We'll head to my aunts around 11:30 and have dinner and open presents. We should be back home by supper time.

Hope you all have a very Merry Christmas and that Santa was good to you!

December 3rd

It's been a long Monday. My grandmother is in the hospital with some respiratory issues. I am praying that she will fight through this and will be healthy in time for the holidays. I may try to go out to see her tomorrow.

Grades are due at 8 am tomorrow morning using the new program. I think I have it pretty much figured out. It is just a tedious process to get everything entered. I have to go back and enter all of the 1st quarter grades eventually too. YUCK... Tomorrow is a training day on the new paper work for special education. Another FUN day.

I did not create my day 3 page yet for my Christmas Journal. I did do the journaling and have an idea in my head. I am just really tired tonight and just don't feel the patience to get it done!

The tree is up and the house is coming together nicely for my luncheon on Sunday. I am getting really excited about having the girls over. I found the perfect plates in the dollar (but not really a dollar, but $2.50) section of Target today. They have pink along with green and red. Love them! Can't wait to get it all together on Sunday. Need to make lists of all of the things running around in my head in order to prepare for Sunday. Maybe I should do that now!

Quick Post

Only have a few moments to post...

**Staff party last night was a great deal of fun. We got home around 1:00 am and Chris was back out the door this morning at 5:00 am. Meet was in Dekalb, 2 hours away. Think he will be sleeping in tomorrow!

**Did some shopping this morning. Now I can say that I have started!

**Off to Chucky Cheese.... EEEEEEEEK! My sister is having the kids birthday party there tonight. Will only be staying for a SHORT time!

**Made peanut butter balls for cookie exchange tomorrow. Lots of work, but will be worth it... I hope!

**Officially behind now on Christmas Journal... but that is the plan for tomorrow and maybe even tonight. We'll see!

Off to the insanity that is Chucky Cheese on a Saturday night in December.....

Thanksgiving Eve

It's the eve of Thanksgiving and the memories of Thanskgivings past are rushing back to me. I am thankful for the life that I have, and that is forefront in my mind. However, there is still much missing in my life. That becomes vividly clear on Thanksgiving.

My thoughts are always pulled to our last Thanksgiving with my grandfather. I had just had another failed fertility cycle and was left with HUGE cysts on my ovaries. I was on birth control pills to shrink the cysts. I was very angry. I was so sad that day and remember being very weepy as I thought about another year without a child. However, I was blessed with my family and I did have some time to sit and talk with my grandfather that day. He was an amazing man, and truly a patriarch of our family. I loved spending time with him and talking about our very different opinions.

Two days later, we had my niece's birthday party. We were all together once again and had some really great time together. It was unusual to have that much time together as I have gotten older and had a life of my own. I was able to cherish the time with my niece and my grandfather, even though I was aching for a child of my own.

The next week changed my life forever. I lost my beloved grandfather suddenly that Monday. For some reason, I came home from work early that day, and I was at the house when the paramedics arrived. I saw my respected and loved grandfather on the living room floor as the paramedics tried to revive him. I was the only one there with grandma as the paramedics took grandpa away. I knew in my heart that he was gone, but I just didn't want to beleive it. I had just spent two wonderful days with him and could not imagine him not being in my life.

I am not sure how I got through that week. I was involved with every aspect of the arrangements for his funeral. I had to be. I needed to be. I spoke at the funeral on behalf of the grandchildren.

I was so angry at God. Why did he suddenly take such a good man from us? Why didn't he give us a chance to say goodbye? I was starting to come to terms with God as the week went on. However, another blow to my faith came at the end of that week.

I reluctantly went in to the fertility clinic on Friday for what I thought was a routine baseline. Later that day, I was told that I was pregnant, but it didn't look "viable." What? Why would God take my beloved grandfather and then give me a pregnancy that wasn't viable? How could this be? Surely my grandfather was looking down on me and would not let this happen.

The next three weeks were gruelling as I held on to the pregnancy with an iron grip. My doctor and husband both wanted me to terminate the pregnancy as there was no sign of an actual pregnancy, just my body "tricking" itself. In the end, I had to agree and it was determined that it was in fact an ectopic pregnancy that would have killed me if I had not taken the treatment.

It has been a few years since then, and I am still aware of that grief and pain each Thanksgiving. My faith in God has never been the same since that week, and I don't know if my faith will ever be restored. I wish that I could have joy and peace in my heart on Thanksgiving, but sadly I feel the grief and pain. Each year, I hope that this will be the LAST Thanksgiving that we are childless, and each year I am facing Thanksgiving without a child. I know that I am blessed in so many ways, and I am forever grateful for my husband, my home, my friends, my family, and my career. I just wish that I could have the one thing my heart desires... a child.