2009 was a big year!

I've thought a lot about this post. 2009 truly was a big year for me and I am so thankful for all that I was able to accomplish this year. I am so blessed to have so many amazing friends who have supported me through all of the challenges and accomplishments of 2009.

1. I finished my master's degree in Reading and Literacy

This was a big deal for me. I have wanted to go back to school really since I finished my undergrad. Money, time, and other issues kept getting in the way. I realized that this was something that I needed to do for myself. I am so glad I took the plunge and started the program in 2008. I really did enjoy going back to school and feel that I am a better teacher as a result. It also gives me another teaching option should I decide that I need a break from Special Education. I officially finished on November 4th, but my transcript will say December 31st as a graduation date. I am planning to walk in the graduation ceremony in May.

2. We made the trip to CCRM in Colorado
I've been frozen in terms of dealing with our infertility. I was terrified to pursue treatment again and even calling for a consult with the clinic took me months to do. This was the push I needed to consider treatment again. The new technology offered by this clinic made it possible for me to consider doing our final IVF. While I wish I had made the call years ago, the technology wasn't available so I know this was the right time for me to make the call and have the consult with CCRM. I have been paralyzed by our infertility for so many years and I am finally breaking free!

3. We did our final IVF
This is probably the biggest aspect of 2009. We took the plunge and decided to complete this final IVF with CCRM in Colorado. While it was challenging to cycle with a clinic out of state, it was the best decision we have made in a long time. We got the specialized care we needed and were given technology that is not available anywhere else. I survived stimulation and the egg retrieval surgery and we got the best news that we have normal embryos to transfer at the end of January. There aren't words to express just how happy I am that we did this IVF. I have hope again, something that I haven't had in a LONG time.

4. My marriage is stronger than ever
Many marriages simply can't survive the blow of infertility. While it has not been easy for us, I really feel that our marriage has become stronger as a result. We've grown and changed so much since we met back in high school. We are on the same page, and have grown closer as we went through the IVF this fall. We've risen above the challenges of our families and are learning to live as a family ourselves. A child would be a true blessing at this point and we are fully ready to give our love to a child. I love Chris more today than yesterday, and I know that love will continue to grow. He is my rock and my friend and I simply can't imagine life without him.

5. I am creating a home I am proud of
We've spent lots of time on our home and are continuing to make it a place we are proud of. We have lots more projects to complete but we are making progress. I am working to keep our home clean and orderly. This is important for Chris and I as we didn't grow up in the cleanest homes. We are learning to embrace our old home and appreciate its charm. We have big plans for 2010!

I am feeling good about closing out 2009 tonight. I feel that I have come a long way from the end of 2008. I am looking forward to 2010 and have high hopes that our lives will change in a big way thanks to the ground work we've done in 2009!

May you all have a safe and fun New Year's Eve surrounded by friends and loved ones. I wish you all peace and happiness in 2010!

Here we go again...

Today is the day... the day I start meds for our FET at the end of January. I have so many mixed emotions right now. I am terrified. I am hopeful. I am scared. I am excited. I am a mess! The statistics are with us, so we should have good news by Valentine's Day. That's the next holiday, and hopefully we will have plenty to celebrate! (Did I really just commit that to writing?!)

So tonight I start L.upron. I *hate* this medication and its side effects. I don't fully understand why I have to take it for the FET, but since CCRM has such high success with their protocols, I am not going to ask any questions. This medication shuts down my pituitary gland so I don't make any of my own estrogen. This keeps me from ovulating, and allows the doctors to have complete control over my body through the other medications. (We'll get into those meds in a minute). I am also still on Birth Control Pills, so I am hoping that the little bit of estrogen in them will help ease the side effects of the lu.pron. When I was stimming in October, I ended up with rotten headaches and hot flashes. I start at a higher dose, but am only on the high dose for a little over a week.

So for those of you (all two of you) that are reading this, here is the overview of how this month will go. I am on the bcp/lu.pron through January 5th. I stop BCP and hopefully get a period by the 8th. On the 10th, I will decrease to 5 units of lupron and start adding in vi.velle patches. These are little estrogen stickers that I get to stick onto my torso every other day. I am a little worried about how I will react to the adhesive, especially with the dry cold weather and my sensitive skin. I start with one patch and will eventually be on 4 patches every other day. This will trick my body into creating a nice fluffy lining without ever ovulating.

Once I have a nice lining going, I will start adding progesterone. These lovely little gems have to be *inserted* three times a day. Yehaw! Sounds like fun, huh? The alternative is progesterone in oil injections which are not pleasant for Chris or I, so I guess I will give it a try. I have had low progesterone in the past, so I am worried about this new method of progesterone. Trying hard to have faith that CCRM knows what they are doing. There are MANY women who get positive results and I will go for blood work and ultrasound locally before heading out to Denver.

Chris booked our flights and hotel on Sunday. I was still holding out on doing that, but he went for it. He is so ready for this to happen. I am so thankful that he just took control of it all. The only thing we haven't booked is our rental car. Last time we were there they had a blizzard, so we were so thankful we booked an SUV. This time the SUVs are ridiculous in cost. We won't be doing any sightseeing, but we will need to be guaranteed the ability to get to the clinic. We are torn as to what to do.

We fly out to Denver on Thursday January 28th. The little frozen beans will be thawed on Friday morning and I will have some bloodwork and ultrasound at the clinic. They will be transferred on Friday afternoon, and then I am on strict bedrest for 48 hours. It will be hard to be in beautiful Denver but only able to see the inside of the hotel room! We could have chosen to fly home on Sunday, but we decided to wait and take an early morning flight on Monday. This will get Chris home in time to do practice but will give us a few extra hours of bedrest. Trying to do EVERYTHING we can to make this work. At Chris' request I am taking Tuesday off from work too.

So, here we go! I have to decide what time to do the first shot tonight since it has to be at the same time each night. It's been nice not being tied to a syringe every night, but it will be worth it in the end... I HOPE.

Christmas Morning

Merry Christmas! I am still waiting for Chris to fully wake up so that we can open presents this morning. We had a wonderful time last night. We went to a newer restaraunt here in town called David's Bistro. We both had AMAZING meals. I love how they decorate the downtown area with each of the trees lining Main Street covered in lights. It was really pretty despite the fact that it was raining... yep, raining! We then went to our good friends' house where they were hosting their families. We were there in time for dessert and to track Santa at Norad with the kids. That is one of my favorite traditions each Christmas Eve. We sure didn't have a way to track Santa like that when I was a kid! :)

I have a breakfast casserole in the oven that I made last night. Hoping it turns out better than last year's attempt. The stockings are stuffed and Romeo is beside himself because he REALLY wants to get into his. The cat is also circling their stocking as I speak as there is catnip in it too.

Really hoping there is no drama today at my aunt's house. I really want to have a nice Christmas with my extended family. I sent an email to mom asking her to put things aside for the day and let's just say her response was less than cordial. We are in a facebook status war right now that is actually quite funny when you step back and look at it. Oh well. I know Chris is just as angry as I am and I hope he is able to keep his emotions in check through the day.

Onto brighter things, I am hopeful that this will be the last Christmas that Santa doesn't make a stop at our house. Hoping that 2010 brings wonderful things to us and all those who have been there for Chris and I during the past year. We are so blessed to have so many close friends who care about us and our children yet to be. Trying to focus on the positives today and the rest of the year!

Christmas Eve

It's Christmas Eve once again.  Usually I am preparing my house for my immediate family to come over for dinner and presents.  Not this year.  Due to some typical family drama, I am not only not hosting Christmas Eve, but Chris and I have been excluded from tonight's festivities.  I was (okay maybe still am) mad about the whole thing, but am thankful that I can sit here on my couch instead of cleaning right now.  I am sad that I won't get to spend time with my niece and nephews.  Being around them has been my saving grace in Christmases past.  But this year I actually have hope that this really might be our last Christmas without a child of our own. 

So what are we going to do tonight?  I think we are going to go out to a nice dinner- that will probably still cost less than I would have spent on food if I was hosting.  We'll then head over to our good friend's house for dessert and some drinks.  They have been more than amazing this year and have been closer than our actual family.  Maybe it is fitting that we spend Christmas Eve with them instead of my family.  I found a recipe for a breakfast casserole for Chris and I to have while opening presents in the morning.  Looking forward to seeing Chris open the presents I got for him this year.

Tomorrow we will go over to my aunt's house.  I offered to make lasagna and bring it over as our main course.  She was more than willing to let me do that!  :)  I made two trays yesterday and they are in my fridge all ready to go.  Things could be interesting tomorrow as my parents and sister will be there as well.  I plan to take the high road and just ignore my sister's dramatics and really try to enjoy the time with my niece and nephews and the rest of my family.  I know our Christmases with Grandma are numbered, so I want to take the time to cherish her.  She has been compassionate towards me and I truly value my relationship with her.  I am sad that my kids will probably not have the same relationship with my mother.  I am comforted in the fact that we have such an extended network of friends that our children will be loved by many people.

On the treatment front, I am just on Birth Control Pills right now to keep things on schedule.  I ordered my medications several weeks ago and the mail order pharmacy run by my insurance company couldn't get their act together  and even tried to charge me more than the retail pharmacy for lupron and the other medications!  I finally canceled the entire order with them and placed the order with Freedom.  They called me the same day and things are set to be delivered on Monday, two days before I need them.  I tried to be proactive and order weeks in advance, but that just didn't work out.  Oh well!  I start the lupron on December 30th.  Happy New Year to me!  LOL.  I stay on BCP until the 5th of January and then start the Vivelle Patches on January 10th.  Not really looking forward to the patches as I have an allergy to adhesive.  The things we do! 

I plan to do my typical year in review post after the holidays... but as much as this post is a downer, I am so very thankful for the past year and do have a great deal to be thankful for.  Hoping to enjoy the holidays and move onto January which could bring very big things to the Bertana house!  :)

DONE WITH FEMARA!!!!!

I took the last femara pill last night. Hallelujuah! I don't think I could have taken it much longer. So thankful that this was a ONE month option rather than the two months of Depot Lupron. After the h*ll that was the past 30 days, PLEASE let it work! I don't know how I will deal with the idea that this was all for nothing. I wish that the RE had been upfront about the side effects of the medication, but I might just be one of the rare ones who have the extreme side effects. That seems to be par for the course for us.

So now we wait for my period to show. She never really left, so hopefully I will be able to tell when CD #1 actually starts. I am only med free for a few days and will be back on BCP next week. The nice part of an FET is that you can schedule it and then work your cycle around it. So I am on the BCPs to control the schedule. I will start Lupron again on December 30th. Nothing like a little lupron to celebrate New Year's!

I had to postpone my annual Girlfriend's Luncheon this year. I am sad about it, but I just didn't have the energy to create the special day I wanted to. I have had a nasty cold all week and have been dealing with the nasty side effects mentioned above. These girls have been there for me every step of the last year. They are an ear when I need one and are genuinely concerned about me and have taken an interest in my quest to be a mother. They have cried with me when I got bad news and cheered for me when there was good news.

I am trying hard to enjoy the holidays this year. I am hopeful for the first time in years that this will in fact be the last Christmas that it is just the two of us. It terrifies me to even put that in writing. I stopped saying that years ago, but this is the first time we have had a really good chance of this actually working. My family situation is not pleasant right now, and that is making things really hard. I wish that my mother could be more supportive of me, but I have come to accept the fact that she simply can't. I am coming to terms with the fact that my children will not have the same relationship with family that I have growing up. But they will be surrounded by people who love them and care for them thanks to our network of amazing friends.

Our dryer died last weekend, so we had to order a new one. It won't be here until Wednesday so I am heading over to a friend's house to do some laundry. They needed someone to watch their son for a little bit this afternoon, so it worked out for everyone. It sure beats going to a laundromat! Off to get my laundry loaded up into my car. :)

We got the call...

I got my call today. Something told me to keep my cell phone with me today. :) I don't normally take it into the lunch room with me, but today I did and that is exactly when the Dr called.

Of the seven we sent, 3 were normal and 1 was a no result, which means it just didn't react to the testing so it could be normal or abnormal. This means that we have the 4 essentially that I wanted.
The interesting part is that what appears to be the highest quality embryos, were the ones that ended up being abnormal. Each embryo was graded on the day it was biopsied and all of my previous embryos were also graded before transfer. We've been told several times that our embryos LOOKED perfect. Now I wonder just how perfect those embryos really were.

Here are the details (more for my records than any real information)
Normal: Day 5 2/3, Day 6 2/3 and Day 6 4BB
Abnormal: Day 5 3AA, Day 6 3BB, Day 6 5BB
No Result: Day 5 2/3

Trying not to obsess about the quality of our normals. I am so thankful that we did the testing, as I am almost sure we would have transferred abnormal embryos based on their blast grades. It makes the VERY expensive price tag easier to swallow knowing this. I am hoping to call and talk with the embryologist and the Dr now that I have had time to process all of this information. When the Dr called I really couldn't focus my thoughts enough to ask any questions. I should have written them down and had them taped to my phone... but I really didn't think we would get the call until next week some time.

We are set to return to Denver in late January. I have 9 more days of Femara and then will wait for AF to show. Once she is here I will go back on BCP until January when I will starting taking supplements to prepare for the FET. To say I am scared about all of this would be a severe understatement. Looking forward to enjoying the holidays. Do I dare to really think that this might be our last child free Christmas?!

3w3d

It has now been three weeks and three days since our little frozen miracles were biopsied and the cells were sent off for testing. We could really hear our results any time now... but probably next week some time. I am already on edge... I can't imagine what I will be like if it more than a week from now before we hear results. I am trying hard to keep busy and not think about it but that is easier said than done.

Trying to throw myself in Christmas preparations and decorating. We got the tree up and I am working on our Christmas cards. We went out to Michael's on Thanksgiving night to get some new cricut cartridges and I am loving playing with them. Two years ago I was able to make ornaments and albums to sell for the holidays. I have high hopes of making some more this year. That means I need to stay off line and be productive when I get home from school.

School is stressful right now. My students are having a hard time with taking pride in their work. I really need to find a way to instill this in my students. They are rushing through work and not doing things correctly. Things are also tense thanks to our school not making AYP. The standards have been set high and I am doing my best to get my kids there... however most also have attendance issues. I can't teach students who don't come to school!

Going to go play with glitter... hopefully that will keep me busy! :)

More Medication Fun....

We are now two weeks into our wait to get the results of our genetic testing. I wish I could say that it is going quickly. It's not. I hate being in this limbo land of waiting. I have always done best when I can get a plan in place. However, I don't have the necessary information to make a plan at this point. I am making myself crazy with plan A, B, C.... and so forth based on any of the many possible outcomes. I originally was hoping to have some news by the first week in December, but I didn't consider Thanksgiving in there. I just really want to know before Christmas. I *need* to know before Christmas.

I am currently on birth control pills and Letrozale/Femara to treat my missing Beta 3 Integrin Protein. I chose to go with the Femara instead of Depot Lupron due to the horrible side effects I had from Lupron. I was thrilled there was another option. (Of course I am still worried it won't be as effective and I will go back and wonder what if...) Little did I know that this lovely combination has its own lovely side effects... which were not clearly outlined before I made this decision. I have had cramping and bleeding for *18* days... yes 18 days!!!! I am going out of my mind. I feel gross. I am bloated and irritable. I called my nurse last week and was told it was the Birth Control and that it should end in a few days. Called back again today since it seems to be getting worse, and the cramping is really making me miserable. The nurse was more concerned and spoke with the Doctor. She later called me back to tell me that this is very common two weeks into the Letrozale/BCP combo and that is should get better.... in a WEEK or so. ANOTHER WEEK? Are you kidding me? I am on this combo for another 17 days. Please pray that this cramping ends soon or someone close to me might not live to tell about it! :(

Trying so very hard to be hopeful. The holidays are always a hard time for us infertiles. Every year I swear that this will be the last year that we don't have a baby. At least this year we have made some progress. At least we are on a path that could possibly lead us to getting pregnant. I am truly thankful that we made the decision to head to Colorado and pursue this treatment. I am thankful that we were able to swing it financially and that our marriage is honestly in a good place, even with all of this stress. I am thankful that there are doctors and researchers who have made advancements that have given us hope. I am thankful that I have a glimmer of hope... that is probably the biggest thing for me right now.

One week down!

We are one week into our wait to find out the genetic testing results. I've been watching the threads at ivfconnections.com and it seems that most people are getting their results in just about 4 weeks. That means we might just have our news by the beginning of December. I also got a copy of the embryology report this week. Trying hard not to obsess about the details, but I am a little concerned about the quality of our blasts. I am trying not to overanalyze the data, but that is just my nature.

My period also decided to show up nice and early... only 8 days after the retrieval! SO I was finally feeling better from the surgery and the OHSS, and the cramps started. It has been a strange drawn out period, too... just to make things interesting. I am now on birth control pills and Letrozale/Femara to treat my missing Beta 3 Integrin Protein. This is supposed to be a better alternative to the Depot Lupron that I had planned to take. The RE required the NAME BRAND birth control... what's another $50 at this point? :(

We had parent teacher conferences this week so it was a LONG week! I am thankful that I had today off and have nothing really planned for the weekend. I spent the day lounging in bed watching all of the shows from the week from our DVR. I am hoping that by catching up on my rest that I will ward off any of the germs that are lingering around school. I have had both the seasonal flu and the H1N1 vaccine, so I am hoping that will help to keep me healthy. I am just not back to feeling 100% yet, and I am frustrated by that. I have to remember that I have put my body through hell the last month or so, and am now on even more medications. And... I am not 20 something anymore.

Hoping to get some time to get my studio organized... or at least to the point where I can see the top of my desk! I would like to start working on some holiday projects... maybe even my Christmas Cards!

Remembering Wilson

It was two years ago today that we lost a great teacher, coach and friend.  She's been on my mind a great deal this week.  She was always so very supportive of me, and especially concerned about my quest to become a mother.  I have to believe that she is watching over me and my 7 little miracles right now.  :)

Her life was cut way too short.  Please take depression seriously and get help for those around you who are dealing with a severe depression.  Make sure to tell someone today just how much you value their presence in your life.  You just never know when you won't have the chance any more.

Wilson, you are missed...

Big Day!

Today was a big day.  Big news from Denver and my last night of grad school.  For the last week, I have been telling myself that all I need to do is get through today.  And now I am all done!

I ended up doing a presentation connecting different ribbons from my stash to the different classes and how I grew through the program. Very cheesy... but that is what they wanted.  Very simple and finished my notes last night.  Left my Portfolio- all three inches of it to be graded this evening.  We were in three groups to present and then we were done. I am a little annoyed that they didn't do anything for us in terms of a celebration.  I spent $13,000 on this program... couldn't they make some kind of effort to celebrate the fact we finished the program?  The dean was supposed to be there tonight and last minute backed out. Nice, huh?    Oh well. I am done.  My paychecks will increase and I am a better teacher. (And I am $13,000 poorer!)

And then there is our other big news today... Chris heard from the lab this afternoon.  Of our 13 day 3 embyros,  7 made it to blast.  Three were Day 5, and 4 were Day 6.  They are now frozen and have been biopsied to take cells for the genetic testing.  They told Chris that they will be sent out at the end of the week.  That means that we will have our results in 4-6 weeks from then.  I would have loved to have 10 to send, but I will take 7.  We were told that typically half come back normal.  I am hoping to get 4, but we will see.  Now we wait.  I will be doing treatment for my missing Beta-3 Integrin Protein in the mean time.  I am either going to use Letrozale or Depot Lupron.  I need to research it a little more and talk with my nurse about it.  I am torn.  The RE told me that Letrozale was a great alternative since I am so miserable on the Lupron.  But there isn't as much research to support it.  Ugh!  I don't want to have any regrets! 

So now I am dreaming of all of the things I can do with my free time.  I really am not sure what I will do!  I am looking forward to having time in my scrapbook studio again and getting my house put back in order.  I think I am going to enjoy the holidays so much more this year.  I am going to have to find something to keep me busy while we wait for results of our genetic testing for sure!

The tentative plan is to return to Denver the end of January.  Hoping that things fall into place.  Due to the swim season, our only other option is to wait until March.  I think we have waited long enough.

Grad School Final Push

I am so glad that I took today off as well. I was still really sore this morning and spent most of the day on the couch. It also gave me the chance to get most of my grad school portfolio done today. Everything has a first draft and I just need to go over everything one more time. I need to get everything printed and then put into the big binder. I need to come up with a creative presentation for Wednesday night and nothing is striking me yet. Other than that, I am feeling good about grad school. I really can't believe that I will be DONE in two short days! Hard to imagine last August when I started this program. 54 weeks of class... one left to go!

Optamistially hopeful for our blast report on Wednesday. I need to get ahold of the lab and let them know to call Chris not me. I don't want to get the news while I am at school. I've been gone for more than a week and know that things are going to be pretty stressful at work. If the news is not good, I don't want to lose it in front of the kids and if it is good news, I want to share that with Chris. Here's to hoping it is GREAT news!

I have chili cooking on the stove. I am still on a high salt diet so I added some extra garlic salt. Hoping that I won't start craving salt after I am done with this diet! :)

Still Thirteen!

We just got the call from the lab.  We still have 13 embryos.  The embryologist said that they look really good and one is already 12 cells.  Hoping that this trend continues and we have a good number to send off for biopsy later this week.  One more hurdle we've passed!

We got home last night and boy were the puppies glad to see us.  All three animals won't leave my side today.  I am still sore and feeling crummy.  I really want to feel better already. Hoping that two more days of rest before I head back to work will do the trick. 

I have GOT to get my last few grad school assignments done today and tomorrow.  I have had a hard time focusing over the past few days!  :) 

Please keep our lucky 13 in your thoughts and prayers!  :)

Lucky 13

We just heard from the lab. Of our 18 eggs, 14 were mature and 13 fertilized. We are hoping that 13 is our lucky number. This is the most we've had at this point. We will hear from the lab again on Sunday. At that point they will give our embryos grades. Hoping to have a good number of embryos to test. They will be test on Day 5 or 6.

I am still sore today. Was feeling pretty good this morning and then was reminded that I had surgery yesterday. Glad that we aren't heading home today. The snow has finally stopped here and the sun is shining.

Hoping to feel up to getting out of the hotel this afternoon. :)

Eighteen

There is a full force blizzard here in Denver. It made getting to the clinic this morning interesting to say the least. Our hotel didn't plow the lot so DH ended up having to help two other cars out of the lot just so we could get to the clinic. Thank goodness we rented an SUV!

We got to the clinic in plenty of time. We waited for a few minutes and then they took me in the surgery wing. I was able to change and then got into bed and the nurse was a delight. She started my IV and answered my questions. They brought C back and he was able to stay with me until I was taken to the OR.

The RE was late due to the weather and a surgery at the other office. She got there by 9:20 and they took me right back. The anesthesiologist gave me something to relax me once we started moving. I remember moving on the bed and then that was it. I do not remember anything until I woke up in recovery. I had some panic when I woke up- which is typical for me. :) I had some pain, but the nurse got me some medication right away. She gave me a second dose when I was still feeling some pain.

C came back once I was awake and we waited to hear the news from the embyologist. I was worried about the numbers. We were thrilled when they told us that they got 18 eggs! We won't know how many were mature or fertilized until tomorrow morning. I am of course worried about this, as maturity was one of my biggest worries over the past few days.

I am definitely sore. My ovaries have always been a little on the challenging side. I am also sore due to the OHSS. They gave me some narcotics before I left the clinic and now I am just on tylenol. I've slept most of the afternoon. We also stopped and got a heating pad which has helped greatly.

The snow is still falling. The airport is pretty much closed. Thankful that we booked our flight on Saturday. Hoping that the airport clears up by then. The snow is supposed to stop by this evening. Hoping to get some photos tomorrow to share. It is a great day to hang out in a hotel!

Triggered

So we triggered last night at 10:00. This meant an intramuscular injection. Chris is pretty good and it didn't hurt too much. We had to head to the clinic this morning just for blood work. They will check my estrogen, progesterone, and HCG levels. Hopefully the trigger shot pushed my estrogen back up and my HCG levels show that I absorbed everything from the trigger last night.

The roads are a little rough... they are estimated that there are 6 or so inches of snow already with up to TWO FEET expected! The snow is expected to continue through today and tomorrow, which means we will have to head to the clinic again in the snow.

Today is all about hanging out in the hotel and doing my grad school homework. I haven't done anything since I got here and REALLY need to get about four different projects done!

Reality Check

So we got a little reality check today. I have been "coasting" with little to no meds due to a risk for overstimulation. It appears that due to this, some of the follicles have stalled out and stopped growing. At this morning's ultrasound, it didn't appear that I had much of any measurable growth in the follicles. The real concern was the fact that my estrogen came back at just over 2000... which is a HUGE drop.

Lots of tears and panic for several hours until we finally spoke to the nurse again. We were honestly considering canceling our cycle. I just can't take spending the big money only to get no mature eggs or marginal embryos that can't even be tested. After talking with the nurse, she feels that we should have at least 13 mature eggs. That's a lot less than the 20 I was told just yesterday, but I suppose it is still much better than most people can hope for. I just pray that they are mature and at least half of them make it to blast and are able to be tested. I *need* to have at least 2 normals when we are done with all of this. I was praying to have some extras to keep frozen, but I guess I was getting a little too greedy.

I am still pretty upset and trying hard to keep myself together. They are calling for a blizzard tonight and tomorrow here in Denver. Isn't that just our luck? We have to go to the lab in the morning to get blood drawn to check my levels one more time. We will do a "trigger" HCG injection at 10:00 tonight that will force the eggs to mature and raise my estrogen levels back up. The blood work will check the HCG levels, estrogen, and progesterone. We will hear back from our nurse tomorrow afternoon on our levels.

We have to be at the surgery center (also at the clinic) at 8:00 on Thursday morning. Another Dr (not mine) will do the procedure, but she is known to get more eggs than other Drs, so I will take it. The surgery is set for 9:00 am so I should be back to the hotel by early afternoon.

Chris and I did take the railroad up to Pike's Peak. However, the snow in the mountains prevented us from going all the way to the summit. We didn't see any animals except a bunny... so I was a little disappointed. I guess that is as close to the mountains that I am going to get this time. I did get some good photos and will share those later.

Chris went to go for a run so he could clear his head. I think I am going to take a nap. The snow is coming so I am hoping to get a good dinner tonight since who knows what tomorrow will bring!

Monday night Update...

We are still chugging along.  We met with a genetic counselor today.  She was not the one we met with when we were here before, but she gave us basically the same information we had before as well as had us sign a million more consents for the testing.  They really feel that we should end up with 5-6 normals.  She quoted us an 80-85% success rate if we end up transferring two normals.  I am starting to believe that this might really happen! 

Estrogen was 4085 today so I am doing 37.5 Gonal F tonight and then no menopur in the morning.  I am back tomorrow morning for ultrasound and lab.  They are estimating my retreieval will be on Thursday as planned. 

Chris and I have a reservation to go up to Pike's Peak tomorrow via the Cog railroad.  Looking forward to getting up into the mountains!

We're going to go walk around the mall for a little bit tonight.  It will give me something to do!  :)

Monday Morning Update

Chris arrived safely last night. The snow stopped in plenty of time for me to go get him. The moutains are now covered in snow and are even more beautiful if that is possible! It is nice to have him here and he is busy working right now as I type this.

I had my "IVF Physical" with the nurse practitioner this morning. There was some concern over my blood pressure, but by the end of the physical it had come down. It was a little elevated with my physical back home too. I guess this is something that I need to look into when we are done with this IVF stuff. She assured me that I will be fully asleep for the retrieval and that they will not allow me to feel anything at all. She explained that they really want the patient to be really still through the procedure and having you in pain prevents that. :) She assured me that they will also monitor my pain after the procedure and that I shouldn't have the same issues that I had with the last ER.

My ultrasound still shows LOTS happening in my ovaries... and I am feeling it! The tech guessed that there are actually 18-20 on the right and 10-12 on the left. There are four that are over 2 but the rest are all in the 15-18 range. This was the first u/s that Chris was able to see and he kept saying that he had never seen my ovaries look like this... that everything was the same size and looked good. Hoping that is a good sign. Met with our nurse and she thinks they will have me coast one more day before trigger which will place the retrieval on Thursday as originally planned. I am a little concerned that we will lose some of the eggs... either the ones that are already big or with coasting. I am still trying to have hope!

We also talked with the nurse about getting on the schedule for transfer. Of course this is all dependent on having normals to transfer. I had heard through one of the message boards that the schedule was filling up. She told us that she would go ahead and work on a calendar for us and get us a "slot" In a perfect world, we would like to transfer at the end of January. I also asked her about the letrozale instead of the depot lupron. She said that would be a good option for us. Chris and I still need to do a little research on that too. If we can't transfer in January, we will have to wait until Spring Break and neither of us wants to wait that long.

We go back at 1:00 to meet with the genetic counselor about the genetic testing. We will also touch base with our nurse again at that time. Not sure if she will have our blood results yet.

I am off to take a nap. I am not sleeping well and just seem to do better if I can get a nap in!

Back on the Coast :(

Just heard back from the nurse today. My Estrogen was 3515 so I am back to coasting.. this time on NO stims at all for 24 hours. The ultrasound this morning still shows 10-12 follicles on each side with one larger at 1.9 but most of them all in the 1.3 to 1.5 range. They want them to be between 1.8 and 2.2 so I am moving along. I am guessing I will be on track for the Thursday ER, with Wednesday as the soonest. I am glad that Chris is coming on tonight instead of Tuesday though. I am starting to feel really uncomfortable so it will be nice to have him here.

The lab tech had a really hard time getting blood this morning, My arm is still sore. I think tomorrow I am going to advocate for them to take the blood from my hand and my veins are nice and juicy there and close to the surface.

The snow has started to fall here in Denver. It is really pretty. I had to go get a snow brush for the car since the rental place didn't put one in the car! The snow doesn't seem to be sticking right now. The news says that there may be an accumulation of a few inches. It seems to be melting as it falls so I wonder if there really will be an accumulation.

Just hanging out in the hotel today. I need to do the progress reports for my students and work on some homework. Now that Chris is coming a day early, I have one less day to work on homework. I am SO excited that I am on the home stretch... grad school is over in TWO WEEKS!

Safe Coast!

I heard back from the office before noon today. My E2 is at 2300, so it seems that the coast worked. I am back at 75 Gonal F and 5 lupron tonight and then 1 menopur in the morning. I will go back in the morning to see how things look with the added medication.

My GPS started to work again! :) I drove down to Colorado Springs this morning and was able to take in a few sights. Turns out I left my memory card at home so I had to stop and get one at Best Buy. Hard to take any photos without a memory card! I was hoping to drive into the mountains a little bit but started to feel a little icky and didn't want to risk it. I drove back up to Lone Tree via Archiver's and managed to spend $. Hopefully my goodies will keep me busy tonight and tomorrow.

Still drinking LOTS of fluids and taking it easy. I am definitely starting to feel my ovaries!

Coasting along :)

Back from this morning's ultrasound and blood draw. Won't have blood results until later today but the ultrasound looked good. Another great ultrasound tech who really knew what she was doing and was just kind. That just makes such a difference. I was in and out in less than 30 minutes again.

I still have 10-12 on each side with the largest at 1.5 but most of them are all in the same range. No renegades to make things even more complicated. It seems that coasting did the trick. The ultrasound tech was also a nurse and reminded me to make sure I am staying really hydrated with lots of gatorade and salty foods. I so wish I loved salty foods as much as I love chocolate!

It is simply breathtaking here. As I drove to the clinic this morning, the skies were bright blue and the snow covered mountains are in the distance. I think I could live here. :) Today is supposed to be the best day while we are here so I am hoping to get out and do something today. I haven't decided just what to do. Without my GPS I am a little worried to be adventerous, but I might just give it a shot. I don't have to be back to the hotel until this evening so I suppose getting lost isnt the worst thing that could happen! :)

Regroup with Dr

So I am back from the regroup with the Doctor. I have mixed emotions right now. :)

First things, my estrogen is over 2000. YIKES! Originally they had me doing 75 Gonal F tonight and 1 menopur in the morning. After talking to the RE, he decided that I will coast tonight... just lupron tonight and then one amp of menopur in the morning. I expressed my concerns about immature eggs, and Dr S assured me that he is not concerned at this time as he will coast me rather than trigger early. I questioned the impact coasting has on egg quality, and I was told that as long as I don't coast 4 or more days there is no concern. My next concern is the date of my ER... Chris isnt supposed to be coming out until Tuesday. Dr S feels that the earliest my ER should be is Wednesday. That would mean that I would have to use a nurse to do my trigger shot. Chris is looking into changing his flight for Sunday night or Monday.

I asked Dr S if there were any "answers" that became apparent during our tests... he said the only thing he saw was PCOS... which I already knew. The only other option for answers is the testing that we plan to do with our embryos. It is also good that we are doing a freeze all since I would be at a high risk for OHSS with my estrogen as high as it is right now.

I also got some more information about what happens after ER. I will stop all medication except the antibiotic after the procedure. About 12 days later I should get my period. I can then start the Depot Lupron treatment for the Beta 3 Integrin protein right away. I asked about the "add back" that someone mentioned when taking lupron. I get horrible headaches on the lupron and have heard that they are BAD when on the 2 months of depot lupron. Dr S told me that there is another option for treatment- Letrozale I think. I need to do some research on that. It is also a shorter treatment. Wondering if I will be able to get a transfer in January. I am hearing that things are booking up quickly. I am going to ask my nurse about that on Monday.

Hoping to get some rest tonight. Didn't sleep well last night and I have a rotten headache still. Planning to veg out in front of the TV for the rest of the night. :)

Things are still moving along.. maybe too fast?

I had my first appointment at the clinic in Denver this morning. What a difference from my local clinic... I didn't even sit down after checking in. The ultrasound tech was able to find my ovaries just fine! :) They measured 10-12 on one side and 12-14 on the other side. They are all in the same size range between 12 and 14 I think. I am worried that things are moving too quickly and that I am going to end up with an earlier than planned retrieval. Chris isnt coming out here until Tuesday. I also know that with IVF #2 when we stimmed really fast, we ended up with lousy eggs.

I was able to meet with my nurse today and she assured me that things are going along fine. She thinks they will decrease my dosage back to the 75 iu but will let me know once I get my blood work back. I really like my nurse and she has been very helpful and supportive and answered all of my questions. She made sure to ask how I was feeling... and honestly I am feeling crummy right now. I think I am dehydrated and the medication is causing me to have some stomach issues. Good times. She gave me the ok to take a decongestant and Dulcolax so that should help. I didn't sleep well last night either. I stopped at the store and got some fresh fruit in the hopes that would help all of my issues too.

I had a little melt down- When I got to the office they wanted me to write out two checks for our cycle fees. I knew that I needed to pay them, but didn't pay attention to the amount. When I called Chris, I realized that they charged us LOTS more than they quoted us earlier in the week. Chris freaked out when I told him and was angry that I didn't question it. I am just not good dealing with money stuff and am overwhelmed a little being out here all by myself. I miss him and wish that he was here with me. He is waiting to hear back from the office. I have an appointment with the RE this afternoon so I can find out more information when I go back this afternoon too.

Chris is at the funeral for Louis' dad right now. I feel bad that I can't be there for them all. I know that he was upset about the money but also frustrated that he was going to the funeral by himself too.
I need to write out my questions for the RE before I go in. That is the only way that I will get all of my questions answered. I tend to get flustered when I am sitting there and I wont have Chris there to help me remember and ask the questions. I am planning to come back and write another post so that I have the answers to my questions here to look back on.

Safe and Sound in Denver!

I am typing this post on my new laptop safe and sound in my hotel in Denver. :) I was stressed about flying alone with medication, getting the rental car, and finding my way to the hotel. I am happy to say that I did it all... and with really no tears. I got teary when Chris dropped me off and a little teary when I had to get out of the rental car lot, but other than that I have done it all with little to no stress.

They tried to give me a really nice Tahoe at the rental car place... it was just WAY too big for this girl to drive. I ended up with a Ford Escape. There is snow on the ground here, so I am sure Chris is glad he booked an SUV for me. The sun is shining brightly too... so there is no snow on the roads, just on the trees. It is simply gorgeous here. I really think I could move here! :)

I did my morning meds at the airport... the family restroom worked perfectly! I had a little panic that I forgot to put needles in my carryon... thankfully Chris found them in my checked bag before we got to the airport. I didn't even have to show my letter to the TSA people. Just told them I had meds and that was it. I actually got in more trouble because I didn't have my laptop in its own container.

Already made my first Target run to stock the kitchen here in the hotel room. Lots of water and Gatorade. I was feeling dehydrated before I got here. Now adding in the altitude is making it even worse. I have a rotten headache right now. Looking forward to a good night's sleep tonight.

Looking forward to my first stim check at the "real" clinic tomorrow. Hopefully things don't take off to fast. I also have an appointment with the RE tomorrow afternoon. I need to write up my questions for him since I am sure I will only get a few moments with him.

Have a great night all!

Stim Check #1

My first stim check was this morning. Once again the local clinic was less than ideal and I ended up much later than I wanted to for work. But, I am thankful that they are there and will take me. :)

The U/S tech once again had a hard time finding my ovaries. Not sure why since they seem to be growing quite the crop of follicles! There are 9 on the left and 18 on the right! They are all relativly small with one a little larger. I hope that one doesn't mess things up. My Estradol was already at 606, so they are backing off on my medication a little bit. My Progesterone was .6 and Estrogen was .7

So I guess my fears about too low of a dose was unfounded! I am decreasing my Gonal F to 75 iu tonight and only one menopur in the morning. I am back at 150 Gonal F tomorrow night and 1 menopur on Friday morning.

I am flying out to Denver tomorrow morning! I will feel much better once I am out there and there are more competent techs doing my ultrasounds! My clothes are packed- just need to pack all of the extra stuff that I need to live for the next 10 days. Chris bought a new laptop today... so I am so excited to take that with me to play with! It is a MacBook Pro. I have lots of Grad school work to do so it will be nice to have a new laptop to do it on.

Chris has been amazing... I am so thankful for our marriage and the fact that we have grown closer during infertility. He is my soul mate and best friend, and I hope that we are able to bring a child into this world that has his amazing qualities.

Must go finish packing. My next post will be from Denver!

Getting my ducks in a row...

I think the panic has set in.  I am trying hard to keep calm.  Things are falling into place, and now it is just the last minute stuff that I need to get together.  I am making piles and lists.  While I wish Chris was coming with me from the start, I am thankful that he can bring anything that I forget. 

My lesson plans are done... at least for the most part.  I need to add some details and make sure everything is in place tomorrow.  Of course today I had to go to an inservice all day, so I wasn't at school.  I have grad school tomorrow night and I leave on Thursday morning.  I am so indecisive about everything... even just which clothes to take with.  Grrrrrrr!

I am still on the same dose of medication.... 300 units total.  I go into the local clinic in the morning to check my levels and see what is happening.  I had to call and schedule all of the appointments I need once I am in Denver.  What a mess... the girl that I spoke to was rude and not very helpful.  I was furious by the time I hung up, but I have all of my appointments scheduled.  Not sure why the nurse couldn't just schedule it or why this girl had to be so difficult.  Initially they didn't have an opening for me to meet with the RE, which made me freak out even more.  We haven't spoken to him since our initial one day workup at the end of the last month.  I want to hear the information from him.  I have questions... I am spending big bucks and feel that the RE should at least be able to spend 20 minutes with me.  I am still walking the fine line between trusting the RE and advocating for what I feel I need.

On a very sad note, our good friend lost his father this morning.  He had a heart attack several years ago but was in realtively good health.  I am so sad for him and his family.  Louis is Chris' closest friend and again I am thankful that he is coming out to Denver later.  That will allow him to be here for the wake and funeral and support Louis during this terrible time.  My heart breaks for Louis and Jenny and their two little boys. 

I need to get back to getting things done.  Why do we always seem to run out of dog food at the worst times?  Off to the store!

Starting Stims

I did my first stimulation shots this morning. We had a swim meet this morning so we had to do it while there. I think this kept me from freaking out a little more than I would have at home. :) My good friend helped me mix the medication and gave me moral support to do my first shot myself. Up to this point, Chris has been giving me the Lupron shots at night. Due to timing and the fact that I will be heading to Denver myself, I have to get used to giving myself the shots. It wasn't too bad.

I am worried that the dose that they are starting me on is too low. We want to be aggressive as this is our last IVF. However, I know there is something to be said about QUALITY eggs over quantity. I am trying to have faith. We haven't talked with the RE about this, but the nurse conveyed my conerns to him and she explained that he wants to start slow due to the risk of hyperstimulation due to my PCOS. He is out of the office until I get to Denver, so I am hoping to get an appt with him that day. Hopefully it won't be too late. I am torn between trusting the RE and knowing my body.

So the dose for the next several days is the same..... 2 units of Menopur in the morning, 150 iu Gonal F & 5 units of Lupron at night. I am also still on the Dexamethasone. I have not been on that before and need to get more information about what that is for.

On another note, we went to a wedding for a friend and coworker last night. It included a traditional Korean tea ceremony. We enjoyed spending the time with Chris' best friend and his wife. We got into a laughing fit during the speeches and just couldn't stop. I was sad that I couldn't enjoy a glass of wine in celebration. But it will all be worth it.... it will all be worth it.... :)

Here we are at the wedding:

On yet another note, I have now been curly girl for several months. I couldn't be happier! My hair is healtier and my curls look good most of the time. I think I have found a product routine that is working for me. Chris just laughs when people ask me about my hair and tells them about the product that lines my shower.

Now I need to get some grad school work done and start thinking about lesson plans for the coming two weeks. Trying hard NOT to get overwhelmed.....

Cycle Day #2

It has been a whirlwind the past two days. It seems that period did in fact start and today is currently CD #2. Wondering what the means? It means that we went from being on the fast track to the express train.

I went in this morning for bloodwork and an ultrasound to check for suppression of my ovaries. Chris was a ROCKSTAR and was able to get me an appointment at my old clinic. We had 24 hours to get everything in motion. I was in a little bit of a panic to say the least.

The bloodwork and ultrasound was not simple today- they had a hard time finding a vein and my ovaries! I was much later to work than I really wanted to be. I am really looking forward to being able to *just* cycle and not have to worry about work and traffic and all of the nonsense of the rest of my life. It was nice to have people who know me and were willing to work with me this morning though.

I heard back from my IVF nurse this afternoon and it seems that everything is good. There are no cysts on my ovaries and my levels were good. I didn't ask for specifics. I need to remember to ask for specific details. She told me I could start meds tomorrow or Sunday. I was suprised when she said that it didn't matter... so when I pushed her she said to just start on Sunday. So we will start my stim medication on Sunday. That means a total of 3 shots a day for the next 10 days. We have to work out the timing, especially since it will be an hour earlier in Denver. The morning and afternoon doses need to be 12 hours apart so that is making things interesting.

Speaking of medication, thank goodness Chris was also able to deal with that. We ordered from my mail order pharmacy through work. If I had it to do again, I think I would have just ordered from the name brand pharmacy. I think I will look into that for part II of this process. The meds were delivered today... in FOUR seperate boxes. Chris laughed that I am going to need a seperate suitcase just for the medication!

I did question the dosage that I am on, but was told that the RE is worried about overstim and wants to start slow and will monitor me closely. I am trying to have faith. So for Sunday through Wednesday, I will do 150 iu of Menopur in the morning and 150 iu of Gonal F at night. I will also decrease Lupron to 5 units.

I will have my first stim check on Wednesday and then fly out to Denver on Thursday. Right now the tentative retrieval date is set for October 29th and we will fly home on the 31st. Chris is coming out on the 27th, two days before the tentative ER. Everything is booked... flights, hotel, and rental car. Praying that everything falls into place.

Trying to have faith....

Thank goodness plans aren't in stone...

I don't know why I expected my body to go along with my carefully laid out plan for this IVF. Everything was falling into place schedule wise and I had everything lined up. I have a sub for my class all lined up and all of the paper work that went with that. I was set to fly out the day after my grad school final presentation. All that was left was for my cycle to stay on the same schedule it has been on for the past 6 months. Shouldn't be that difficult, now should it?!

So I started spotting today, which I am still hoping is just due to the lupron. The reality.... my period is probably going to start in a few days.... TWO WEEKS EARLY!!!!!! This means that everything has to be moved up and things are moving even faster than I planned. This means that I have to work out worst case scenario plans... including missing my final night of grad school. Trying to keep calm and just ride out the panic tonight.

My nurse was off today, so another nurse returned my call. She was confused by my chart considering the fact that I wasn't supposed to start stims for another two weeks. I had to explain that ALL of my cycles in the past year or so have been over 40 days. Now that I am counting on that, it appears that I am going to be lucky if this one is 30 days long. If AF shows in the next day or two, she thinks we can get the retrieval done before November 4th- so I could be back in time for the final presentation. She left a note for my nurse to call me tomorrow, so I hope that once I talk to her I can get some insight. Thankfully we did NOT book flights or hotels yet- was going to do that tomorrow. Looks like I will be holding off for a few more days on that.

On top of all of this, the headaches from the Lupron have started in full force. I feel like I have on a swim cap that is too tight. My thoughts are foggy and I am having a hard time concentrating. After rereading older entries, this is my typical response to Lupron. I suppose a positive to the schedule change is a shorter time on Lupron. I don't know how I will handle another day of the headache... and now I have to focus on getting all of the details changed.

Oh... tomorrow is another day!

A better day

Today is a better day. :) I am getting used to the hot flashes from the Lupron and am starting to dress in lots of layers and always have some cold water with me. That seems to be helping quite a bit. I do have a rotten headache today that I am sure is due to part to the Lupron as well.

I am sure part of it is due to my sleep patterns too. Patches decided she had to go out at 3:30 this morning and wouldn't stop until someone got up to let her out. Chris had a swim meet this morning and I went along to work so we didn't get much sleep after letting the brat out. I came home and took a nap this afternoon and am feeling a little better now.

We are fortunate to have some close friends who we have shared our treatment plans with. We had dinner on Friday with the Rinaldi's. Chris had to do a goal setting meeting with one of our swim families yesterday and we ended up staying for the entire afternoon. They experienced IVF many years ago for their twins, who are now almost 16. It was nice to share what we are going through and have someone who has been there really get it. She still remembers the hot flashes from Lupron all those years ago!

I didn't do anything really around the house or any school work at all this weekend. I have plenty to do, but I am thankful to have one more day off this weekend. I need to get some grading, some homework, and housework done tomorrow. I decided today is all about resting and clearing off the DVR. :)

Already Losing my Mind....

I've now been on the lupron for three days. Yesterday I had to sit through a day of literacy trainings at school (even though I am four weeks away from a master's degree in literacy!) It was warm, but the lupron is definitely giving me hot flashes. At one point my face was so pink that one of my coworkers asked me if I was ok.

I am starting to freak out a little bit about doing this cycle. This is what I want to do, but now that all of the details are falling into place, I think the reality that I am really doing this is setting in. C & I need to sit down and talk about things, but I am already an emotional mess.

Heading to my Regular Dr in a little bit for my annual... yep, let that lapse and now have to take care of that before I can do the IVF. The saga for my prenatal vitamins is still ongoing as well. The samples they gave me from the RE are fine, but my insurance has an INSANE monthly copay for them. If I were to get pregnant, I could be on them for over a year and at $50 a month, that is A LOT! So the RE called in another brand that is considered generic by my insurance. However, it appears that Target can't get it in stock. I just about had a melt down at Target over this. Of course no one called me to tell me they couldn't get it either, so I was rather irritated that I drove out there only to be told they can't get it.

I am worried about the emotional impact this is going to have. I think I underestimated my emotions. Hoping to have some time this weekend to regroup and get myself mentally prepped for all of this. Thankful for a three day weekend!

GREEN LIGHT!

Here we go!

My progesterone is over 10, which is well above the 5 that it needed to be in order to start the Lupron. Injection #1 tonight. I am also starting Dexamethasone, which is a steroid and Doxycycline, which is an antibiotic.

I am NOT looking forward to the side effects of these meds, but in the end I am praying it will all be worth it. :)

The injections have to be given at the same time each night, so I am waiting for Chris to get home from practice and he will do the honors.

On another note, I have officially started MY LAST GRAD SCHOOL CLASS! Only four more weeks to go! Hurray!

Vampires... or maybe not

No this is not a Twilight themed post!  :)  I had the rest of my blood tests this morning as well as my first progesterone check.  They took 6 vials of blood... I am feeling like I was attacked by a vampire!  It is already starting to bruise since she had to take so much and I could feel the needle moving.  Thankfully it is cold enough for long sleeves, so I won't have to explain my "track marks" to my middle school students!

I am home now.  With new policies at work, I can't just miss one class period anymore.  The minimum I can take is a half day.  I could have probably made it into work just in time this morning, but didn't want to push it.  My principal is fabulous, it is the "higher power" that has caused things to change.  Oh well.  I am trying to limit my stress as much as possible with all of this, so taking the morning off has allowed me to come back home and sip coffee.  I am not complaining!  :)

As long as my progesterone level comes back in the right range, we will start meds TODAY! I am waiting for Fed Ex to deliver the injections this morning.  I have to head to Target later to get the oral medications as my insurace wouldn't allow me to get them from the same place I have to order the injections from.  Just one of many hurdles with this IVF stuff.  I am now "that" girl who has her phone on her all the time and has to take calls when they come in.  Not very convienent when you are a teacher, but thankfully they have only called in the afternoon when I co-teach or am on a plan period. 

I have some mixed emotions right now.  I am excited to get this show on the road, but nervous just the same.  I am worried about the side effects of the medications and how I am going to fit this all in.  Only I would decide to do an IVF while I am in my final class of grad school.  I just keep reminding myself of all of the free time I am going to have come December!  I should be able to make all kinds of stuff for the holidays. 

Off to read a little for class tonight.  Maybe I should be prepared... :)

Let the fun begin!

I don't know that I was really ready for how fast all of this is moving. I am slowly coming to terms with the idea that I have to turn my life over to this IVF for the next 6 weeks. (All while finishing grad school.... what was I thinking?!)

Today I am feeling pretty good. Lots of phone calls and appointments taken care of today. Of course my "annual" exam needed to be repeated before starting this IVF so I was able to get in with my general Dr this Saturday. God Bless this woman and her understanding of my struggles! I set my first local blood draw for Wednesday and sent that office my insurance stuff. C talked to the business office and we took of some paperwork that is going to allow us to afford all of this. I spent the last hour on the phone with the insurance company trying to get a letter confirming benefits, only to be told that the RE needs to request it directly. Finally, I just placed my first order for medications. I only took what I needed right away. Even the copay for the meds is more than I wanted to pay just yet! :)

I talked with my principal about the details of my absences. I have to follow up with the District Office tomorrow. That could be interesting. I am now wondering if I will have to go on short term disability since I will be gone 8 days. Ugh... more paperwork I guess. I will learn more about that tomorrow I guess.

The local RE that I was going to use for monitoring isn't open on the weekend... and of course I am supposed to get checked on a Saturday. I need to find another office I guess. Why can't things just fall into place?!

Ok, trying to keep it all in perspective. Let's hope I am successful at that!

Long time coming...

So I have debated about writing this post for some time. I wondered if I really wanted to share this experience with the world again. And then I remember just how theraputic this blog was for me in the past and decided that I would write this post. I might take it down later, but for now I will share. I bet you are all wondering what in the world is she talking about.... (Ok, maybe just the two of you who actually read this...)

C and I have decided to jump back into the treatment circus and complete one last IVF in our attempt to become parents. This has taken me four long years to even consider and now we are on the fast track. As you might remember, we have done this essentially four times before and have not been able to maintain a pregnancy past a few weeks. After my exploratory surgery almost four years ago, we decided it was time to take a break. My life had been consumed and we needed to heal both physically and emotionally. Two years ago just as we were ready to start considering one more IVF, we were approached by my coworker about possibly adopting her daughter's baby. We moved full force into the adoption world, as we really felt that God was showing us the way to parenthood with this adoption. Sadly, that path did not end with us as parents. We were more than devastated but truly are not angry with the birth mother and will always wonder about her son and pray for his health and happiness. Chris has spoken to the grandmother and we know he is doing well. He will celebrate his second birthday this week.

After the adoption failed, we were lost once again. I am not going to lie... C and I were both very angry with God. We just didn't understand why he had shown us this path only to take it from us. We know that we can't truly understand his plan, but we have struggled with our faith as we have endured so much heartache in our quest to become parents. Once again we stepped back and started to enjoy life, but always felt that something was missing in our life. We know more than anything that we want to be parents. I fell into a deep depression after the adoption failed and have worked hard to get back out. I was so lucky to find a psychologist that specializes in infertility and has personally endured many of the things that I have. I have been seeing her once a week since March, and it was with her help that I was finally able to become unparalized and make some decisions.

We are very fortunate to live in a state where infertility coverage is mandated for insurance companies. However, there are limitations, and we are at the end of our coverage. We are "allowed" one more IVF, so we knew we had to make the best choice. I have been terrified to do this last IVF as it is just that... our last attempt. I don't think that I have the emotional strength or the finances to do this beyond this cycle. So, we wanted to make sure we were in the BEST place for this cycle and not have ANY regrets in the end. After some research, we decided that we would go with a clinic that is considered one of the best, if not the best in the country. There are SO many variables in an IVF cycle, and we felt that this clinic had the best to offer. They are at the forefront of research and are pioneers when working with women like me.

We started with a phone consult back in August. We had to wait 6 weeks to even get this appointment. I was honestly ok with that, because I still needed to build up the emotional strength. In the meantime I had to gather all of my records from the five doctors we have seen locally and fill out extensive paperwork. It was hard to go through and relive all of those failures, but I also know that it was healing in some ways. We spoke with the Dr and he felt that we had some good chances with his clinic but we needed to come in for some tests. We made the decision to travel out there to get some answers. Answers... the second best thing that could come out of this.... Of course getting pregnant and having a child is the ultimate goal, but it we can't manage that, we would like to at least have some answers as to WHY we can't get pregnant. We have not had any answers up to this point and that is probably one of the most frustrating parts of all of this.

We had to base the appointment on my schedule, so we travelled to Denver at the start of this week. This clinic specializes with out of town patients who can't find success locally. We had a full day of tests and meetings on Monday. I was terrified since I have not had any tests in over 4 years. I was worried that my body was shutting down and that we had waited too long. Thankfully, this is not the case. My levels actually came back great and everything "looks" good. While this is great news, it still doesn't give us any answers.

We still have several tests left to get back, including some extensive genetic screening. One of the appointments while we were there was meeting with the Genetic Counselor. It was one of the most informative hours I have spent in my life. She was so knowledgeable and was able to explain many things to us. Chris and I will both have our karotype done to see if there is an underlying genetic issue. Our embryos will also be tested. This is the MAIN reason we are going to this clinic. One theory is that our embryos don't implant due to a genetic defect. If we know this is the fact, we can close this door and move onto adoption. If we have some embryos that are normal, they will know which ones are the "best" and use those. I know this is way scientific and some of you might even wonder if we are going too far. Please know that I have thought long and hard about this, and feel that this is what we are supposed to do. We will NOT know the genders of the embryos or any other information about them- only that they are healthy.

So..... we are planning to do this final IVF soon. As of right now, I will be heading to Denver on November 5th- the day after my last grad school class! :) I will be missing up to 2 weeks of school, but my principal has been very supportive up to this point and he knows this is a possibility. We still have a LONG way to go, and things need to fall into place for this all to work. For the first time in YEARS I am feeling some hope. I am terrified, but excited too.

Remembering 9/11

It is hard to imagine that it was 8 years ago today that the terrible events of September 11th, 2001 changed our lives forever.  I will never forget the moment that I learned of the events.  I was teaching at the same middle school that I teach at now.  I remember the immense fear I felt as the day went on and we learned more about the events.  I feared that we were truly at war on our own American soil.  I was glued to the news and couldn't get enough information.  My heart broke for all of those who lost their lives that day and the families they left behind. 

I am so thankful for those who continue to protect the freedoms I have today.  While I may not agree with the politics of some of our policies in the past, I am eternally grateful to those men and women who choose to give of themselves to protect America.   I hope that I am doing my small part in making America great by supporting and teaching children.  It's my small contribution.

I was fortunate to visit the New York State Museum this summer.  There was a moving exhibit that remembers the efforts of those after 9/11.  It was breathtaking to see some of the artifacts from the clean up effort.   The photo above is of a firetruck that was removed from the World Trade Center wreckage.  There was a video of a fireman from that company that ran near the truck.  It was simply awe inspiring.  I am so thankful that I was able to see the exhibit and remember.

Today I remember. 

Another fabulous weekend!

I am coming to terms that summer is just about over. I can finally get back into my classroom tomorrow and we have our first official day for staff on Thursday. While I didn't get all of my to-do items done this summer, we did have lots of fun experiences with friends. It has been a very mild summer weather wise. It was down right COLD for the concert last night!

Our good friends are big Jimmy Buffett fans and have tried to get us to attend a concert for the past several years. We committed to attending this year and I was cautiously excited about it. I am not a party type girl and was a little worried about how I would handle the crowds and party atmosphere. In the end, we had a GREAT time. From what our friends tell us, the crowd was rather mild thanks to the cool weather. We were in sweatshirts for the entire time. There were some brave souls in more typical Buffett wear.

Here are some of my favorite photos from the night:

Our bathroom... this was a LIFE SAVER! We had our own private facility. Can't even say how important our bucket was to us girls. :)

Somehow we ended up playing hot dog homerun derby with our neighbors. Miriam took her turn with the bat. Not sure where all of the hot dogs ended up, but there were remnants of hot dogs and other food all over the side of the Rinaldi's car.

We finally got into the actual concert. Jimmy Buffett puts on a GREAT show!

Here is Chris and I at the concert:

Here is the group of us at intermission of the concert. It was cold and raining at this point but we had a great time!

So now I am gearing up to head back into school tomorrow. We have loaded up my car with boxes that I brought home from school. I have SEVERAL that I need to go through before taking them back to school. One of those things on my to do list that I didn't get to. :)

On the curly girl front, I have now been curly girl for three weeks now. My hair is really started to curl up and I am still working on finding the right products. I thought I would share what seems to be working now. Here is what I used for the concert yesterday:

Co-wash: Giovanni Tea Tree Treat Conditioner

Conditioner: L'oreal Vive Pro

Leave-in: Deva Curl One Condition

Styling: Jessicurl Rockin Ringlets, BioSilk Rock Hard Gelee, and Deva Curl Set it Free

Must now head back to going through boxes! :)

Summer Fun!

Thanks to the construction at my school, I have a few extra weeks of summer this year. I am trying hard to enjoy every last stolen moment.  We've been busy the past few weeks trying to do as much as we can before the hectic school year starts.

This weekend we had four parties to attend.  Each one was important to us, so we made it work.  We started Saturday at Chris' godson's birthday party.  We knew it was being held at a bowling alley in the city, so we plugged the address into the gps and off we went.  Boy were we surprised to discover that the party was in the basement of a church!  It seems that the church has a bowling alley in their basement.  Can't say I have seen that before!  I didn't get any photos of the actual bowling, but here is the bulletin board outside the alley:

 

Love the title on the board!  :)  We don't get to see Gregory or his mom very often since they live in the city.  Chris and Kathie worked together at Leaning Tower YMCA many years ago.  We spent lots of time in the city back then with Kathie and other friends from the Y.  We also became close friends with Anita who served as a mentor to Chris when he first started working at the Y.  She has since moved back home to Ohio, and sadly we only see her once or twice a year.  It was nice to spend some time catching up with her during the party.  She is Greg's godmother and always comes in for his party.  Here are the two of them with the birthday boy:

 

Our next party was for our good friends' boy's birthday.  We have known Louis since high school and he was the best man at our wedding.  He and his wife have been our close friends for many years.  They have two boys who simply adore Chris since he is just a big kid himself!  At one point during the party, I wasn't sure where he was.  Someone quickly pointed out that he was on the trampoline bouncing with the kids.  They all sat and waited for him to bounce them up.  I blurred out the kids, since many of them are just friends of the boys and I was not comfortable posting pictures, but I wanted to share Chris in his "element"

Our last party of the night was with some friends from work.  I don't have any photos, but I am hoping to get some from a friend.  There was a bouncy house at the party, and let's just say that I somehow ended up bouncing with Ella in the bounce house.  Ella is Steve and Sarah's little girl.  She somehow even convinced me to go down the slide.  It was fun!  One of Chris' coaches was actually at the party as well since she is going to grad school with Steve.  Small world for sure!  It was nice to hang out with my coworkers and catch up from the summer.  We still have two weeks until we start school so we are all still very relaxed!

On a final note, I have officially been "Curly Girl" for two weeks now.  I had more compliments on my hair yesterday than I have ever had.  My hair is much more curly now and seems to be loving my new low chemical routine.  Here is a photo at the END of the day.  Now remember, at this point I had been to three parties and even spent time in a bounce house!  :)

 

I am set to get a color on Wednesday and now I am debating.  Not sure if I want to add chemicals to the mix right now.  My color actually still looks pretty good.  I haven't decided just yet. 

Swim team party this afternoon.  Sadly it is supposed to be cool again and the kids are supposed to get time in the pool playing on the slides that they never get to play on during practice.  I am sure the kids will still get in, but it is going to be CHILLY!  Many of the kids start school tomorrow as well, so I am sure there won't be too many that stay until the end.  Hope to get some good photos today for sure.

Have a great day!

I'm obsessed ...

I have become 110% obsessed with my hair. With all of the things going on in my life, why am I so very obsessed with my hair? Who knows. Maybe it is the fact that it is unruly and wild and I am determined to find a way to tame it. Maybe it is a metaphor for my life. Ok, not really going that deep!

So I have now been sulfate/silicone free for 3 days.... three days that have been humid and hot. Nice time to start a new hair routine, huh? And I have to be honest, I miss my beloved Curl Amplifier. I miss it BAD. But I am dealing, and I know I will find something just as good that is much more healthy for my hair. I have to find something. And cutting my hair short right before undergoing this change, that was brilliant. I am not loving the cut right now. My curls are changing with the new routine and cut all at once. I am thankful that I scheduled a hair appointment to color at the end of the month. Might need to get the cut tweaked a little bit.

Since decided to go Curly Girl, I have purchased more products than I care to admit! I am trying different combinations as I go. Here is what I am trying now:

• Giovanni Triple Tea Treat Shampoo (low poo, no sulfate)
• Giovanni Triple Tea Treat Conditioner (Using as a co-wash right now to help with scalp)
• L'Oreal Vive Pro Nutri Gloss Conditioner (silicone free conditioner)
• Deva Curls Line: No Poo, One Conditioner, AnGel, Set it Free (love the scent of this!)
• BioSilk Rock Hard Gelee (loving this gel for hold right now)
• Aubrey Organics Conditioner
• Flaxseed Gel

I even tried making my own gel from flax seeds. Need to keep working on that I think. It was rather messy. I haven't tried the batch I made in my hair yet.

Still dealing with lots of frizz by afternoon. I have also stopped using a towel to dry my hair and am using one of Chris' old T-shirts now. I am trying to "clip" the top of my hair in the hopes that it won't be flat on top. The hardest part for me is NOT to touch my hair after I have styled it!

Ok, I need to write a paper now... but thought I would post something here about this new obsession!