Its been some time since I last posted here. Things have been busy I suppose. The end of the school year... teaching summer school... preparing for IVF #3. Yep, IVF #3 is just around the corner now.
I don't know what it is about this time of year, but I always find myself retreating into myself and locking out everyone. To borrow the words from someone else, I needed to lick my wounds so to speak. I continue to be estranged from the family. That is 100% my choice. I just can't deal with the codependency right now. In talking to a friend, she commented on how much I am the "caretaker" of the family. I just don't have the extra energy for that right now. I honestly don't know how I have the energy to get from day to day.
I am allowing my infertility to define who I am right now. In all reality, it IS who I am right now. I am starting to wonder what else really matters. I mean, I love my husband very much and cherish the life we have together. Its just missing something... a family. I am an infertility patient. There is nothing more that I want in the world than to be a mom. The overachiever in me can't handle the failure time and time again, yet I keep going. I can't imagine NOT being an infertility patient.
IVF #3 will be in mid-august. I am on these godforsaken BCPs right now. I hate the way they make me... moody and pimply faced. I am on them for what seems to be forever, thanks to the fact that I have no regulariry to my cycles. This is the only way that we can get things to fall into place. The tests are all done, just waiting for the official word from the insurance company. The extra duties I have taken on will almost pay for our entire portion of the IVF, thank goodness. I have spent the past three weeks teaching summer school for children whose parents don't want them at home just so that I can have the opportunity to have my own. There is some poetic justice there somewhere....?
Its the holiday weekend... Independence Day. I am so greatful for my freedom as an American. Yet, I feel very little independence right now. My life is all dictated by myone desire... the desire to be a mom.
