Spring Break Adventures

I've only just now had a few moments to reflect on my Spring Break adventures.  For the past two years, Chris and I have taken a fabulous tropical vacation trying to erase the pain of loss and infertility.  This year we knew that we couldn't afford to do such a trip.  Chris also needed to continue with swim team and had a meet scheduled for the end of Spring Break.  In a moment of shear inspiration, I came up with the idea to visit two of my favorite women in North Carolina at the start of break and then head to Indy to meet him and the team for the meet.   I proposed the idea to Chris who was all for it.  It meant I could renew my soul for only the cost of a plane ticket.  I booked early enough that I got a good deal on airfare, so I was able to limit my guilt at spending the money for this trip.

Before heading out on my adventure, I was fortunate to attend the wedding of my good friend Jamie's daughter.  I made the invitations for the wedding and did the placecards as well.  I'll share those in another post.  Here's the beautiful mother of the bride along with myself and another good friend, Bridget. 

The next morning I boarded the plane in Milwaukee and heading to Atlanta.  After a 3 1/2 hour layover, I was finally on my way to Jacksonville, NC.  Mandy's husband is a Marine who is stationed at the base there.  I was one of only a few non-Marines on the plane into the small airport.  She met me and we headed to dinner with one of her friends.  We then went to see Hunger Games- something we've been planning to do since I convinced her to read the books.  It was so fun to see the movie with her!

We got to her house late on Sunday night, so it was Monday before her kids were able to see me.  It was so fun to spend time with the little ones and see my close friend as such an amazing and caring mother.  We headed out to the aquarium.  It was so fun to experience the tanks and nature trail through the eyes of little ones.  Here are some of my favorite photos of the day:

Christopher had to read all the signs along the Nature Trail

A view along the Nature Trail

Probably my favorite photo- Stella and Christopher in front of the large tank in the Aquarium

I also really wanted to at least put my feet in the ocean this Spring Break.  It wasn't St. Lucia or Aruba warm, but the kids and I got in and played in the water.  I would have loved to sit on the beach with a good book and soak up some rays.  However, life with a 2 & 4 year old doesn't permit such luxuries, which was just fine by me. 

I'm in the ocean!

View of the Beach

Christopher running from the waves

My time with Mandy was short, but full of laughter and lots of long talks.  I simply adore this girl, and can't imagine how I would have gotten through the past few years without her support.  We don't see each other very often and most of our conversations are over text, but I am so thankful for her friendship.  She is an amazing mother and I hope to one day be able to have her help me transition into motherhood. 

Mandy drove me into the depths of North Carolina to meet Beverly for the hand off.  We had planned to eat lunch together, but the restaurant we planned to visit was closed and there weren't any viable options where we were at.  So, Beverly and I headed to Raleigh and Mandy made her way back to Jacksonville.  She was able to find a park to let the kids get some energy out after being cooped up in the car, though!

Beverly and I started our eating adventure with Barbecue. I've been schooled about NC barbecue before, but Beverly allowed me to eat Barbecue Chicken rather than traditional BBQ.  It was yummy, but not the sweet BBQ I am used to here in Chicago.  We made our way to her home, where her darling husband served as bartender for the evening.  The two of them made Limoncello last summer- and let me tell you- it was AMAZING.  We also had some margaritas to go along with the fajitas that Beverly made for dinner.  The margaritas didn't quite live up to the hype- but were VERY strong!  I think that Stephen is a little heavy handed as a bartender!  :)

The next day we spent talking and eating and shopping.  We had lunch at a Peruvian restaurant.  The music and atmosphere made me feel like I was on a tropical island!  I had chicken along with some Tamarind juice.  The last time I had tamarind was on St. Lucia!  We later had dinner on the balcony at a downtown restaurant.  I had SheCrab soup and chicken.  We passed on desert so that I could get the one thing I HAD to have while in North Carolina....

We used to have a few of these in Chicagoland, but they have since closed.  We can get them in our grocery stores, but it just isn't the same as a HOT FRESH NOW one right off the line.  We had to wait about 20 minutes for them to start making them again, but it was oh so worth it!

Beverly is an amazing woman who has been so much more than a friend.  She is a mentor, confidant, and the older sister I never had.  She has helped me through some of the challenges of my family and has also allowed me to talk about my issues with faith openly.  I am so very thankful to have her in my life and really wish we lived closer.  We are working on a plan to get me back to Raleigh this summer.  Beverly wrote a beautiful post about my visit on her blog.

The next morning I had to make the trip to Indy to meet Chris and our swim team.  Unfortunately, I came down with the flu.  At first I thought it was just from eating all of the new foods, but it was clear it was the flu.  It was a LONG day of flying, and I joined the mile high club- just not the good one!  Thankful for seats at the back of the plane on the aisle!

I missed most of the meet while in Indy, but Chris and I did have a chance to walk around the city on Saturday afternoon.  The kids didn't swim as well as expected, so we found ourselves with a hotel room and evening to ourselves.  We walked along the canal and saw some of the memorials along the way.  Indianapolis is a beautiful city, and I am looking forward to going back later this summer for the Junior National Meet. 

While it wasn't the Caribbean, this trip was just what I needed to heal my soul.  Spending time with these two amazing women was just what I needed.  Chris and I were able to have some time together, too.  So thankful that I had the moment of genius to plan this trip!

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Today also marks two months since the d&c.  We still do not have the results from the genetic testing.  I thought about calling while I was on my trip, but realized I didn't want to get that news while I was trying to heal my soul.  So, I'll call on Monday and hopefully the results are in.  I've been taking the supplements for a month now, and feeling better overall.  While I am feeling refreshed, my need to become a mother is even stronger now than it was before.  Please, please, please, let the universe finally see that we are ready to become parents.

MIA with Pictures

I've been a bad blogger- but with good reason!  I had some amazing women here last week, and I just didn't have the chance to blog.  Still in limbo with the miscarriage and the job.  Not even going to go there in this post.  It just makes me mad.  So, instead I am going to share with you photos of what I was up to while my blog sat neglected!

It was great to host these amazing ladies!  We see each other every other year- and it's always like we've never been apart.  They've been such a support for me over the years, and I am so glad I got the chance to show them my home and my city!

Taking a break from the heat in Lake Geneva

Four scrapbookers= lots of photo ops!

Buttrick Sawmill in Antioch- Tradition of taking photos using the timer which requires me to RUN to get into the shot.  This year was no different!

Lots of laughter- Love this shot because it truly shows the spirit of this amazing woman.  :)

Attending the CHA show with my girls- Gloria was able to get us tickets and we LOVED seeing all of her work featured at Spellbinders, Graphic 45, & Hampton Arts!  (Totes were my gift to them made by Just Embroidered Totes and Stuff)

Making sure the girls got to experience all of the Chicago Style food I could come up with- This is Gino's East Pizza.

Beverly's husband Stephen with the girls- It was so nice to see him again!

Out on the LEDGE at the skydeck.  That's not photoshopped! 

Had to take the girls to Ed's for lunch! 

It was the HOTTEST day of the year... but I insisted that they needed to see the Bean. 

Babymoon?

When we booked our vacation to Aruba, we had no idea that it also appears to be a favorite destination for those who are on their “babymoon.”  I overheard someone say that the medical facilities in Aruba are good, so I wonder if this is why so many choose to come here.  But it also could be the fact that the average pregnant woman is blissfully ignorant.  I mean no disrespect in that statement- it’s the simple fact that most people don’t know all the things that can go wrong with a pregnancy.  They just expect that everything will be just fine.  And for most people- it is.

I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t bothered by the bikini-clad preggos at the adult exclusive beach.  (A fetus is clearly not an adult, so surely they were violating the rules, right?!)  There was a different preggo each day and I definitely had some not so nice thoughts of jealousy when I realized that I could have been in their shoes right now… (but let’s face it, there’s no way a former infertile would be so far from home while pregnant)  I really don’t begrudge these couples the chance to enjoy their final child-free vacation.

And then I started thinking about our situation.  (You knew that was going to happen, didn’t you?!)  I really had a hard time this year truly relaxing and enjoying the vacation.  I am so thankful that we had the points to take the vacation and I do feel that it was a good time for Chris and I to reconnect.  We were able to enjoy the adult exclusive parts of the resort and do things on our own timeline without worrying about a child (or a dog, for that matter!) So I had to reframe my mind- this is our babymoon, but not in the same sense the preggos were experiencing it.

It’s time to really walk away from the fantasy of getting pregnant.  Yes, I broke up with treatment, but I still have feelings for it.  You can’t end a 10 year relationship and not have some residual feelings.  The feelings wane over time and it hurts less.  That’s where I’m headed.  That’s what I decided this vacation was all about.

As I stared out over the ocean, I made a decision.  This is it. This is the end for now.  I am letting go of those feelings. You can’t fully embrace a new relationship when you are still holding feelings for an old flame.  I was still romanticizing treatment and not fully embracing adoption. Once I came to this realization, I was able to relax and enjoy the sunshine and ocean waves.

So in my heart, I feel that this was in fact our babymoon, our last vacation hoping for a miracle through treatment.  I pray that this is our final vacation as a couple, and that our next trip will be to meet our child, wherever he or she may be.  The miracle of adoption will make our family complete.

I’ll close with my favorite photo of the two of us.  We’re at the gold mine ruins on the beautiful island of Aruba.

Goodbye March & Winter!

It's been a crazy few weeks.  Even though March is the month of my birth, it is probably my least favorite month of the year.  Life is crazy for both Chris and I with work and the weather in Chicago is miserable in March.  I am thrilled that the month is almost over and that Chris and I are leaving the miserable Chicago weather behind for a few days!

Chris' Winter swim season finally ended just before my birthday. He had to deal with the wrap up of the season and prepare for the upcoming Spring/Summer season.  There's always some parent drama and that finally seems to be settling down.  Schedules and such are set for the upcoming season and he'll start practice and try-outs the Monday after we return from our trip.

I had to deal with the state testing and then staffing issues for next year at school.  That seems to be finally settled, but we will be losing one of our secretaries due to the closing of another school in our district.  It's so sad to see good people lose their jobs due to the financial situation of our state and schools.  We fortunately are not facing any teacher lay-offs this year as we took the brunt of it last year.  I will have to move classrooms after 10 years in the same room.  Not going to think about that until we get back from our trip.

I am also the yearbook sponsor.  I've done the yearbook for 9 years now.  Every year I swear is the last, but I am suckered into it the next year without fail.  It has consumed all of my free time for the past two weeks.  I submitted the final pages on Friday, so that is off my plate for now.

Losing my sweet Patches has been hard.  I keep thinking I am going to see her come around the corner, or find her sleeping in her bed.  Romeo seems to be adjusting to being the king of the house, but the cat is definitely having some issues.  The cat is 15 years old too, so I know his time with us is limited too.  His health is not great, either. 

We've not had much time to focus on the adoption over the past month.  Planning to schedule our final interview for April and get our final pieces of paperwork done and sent in to the state.  We also need to get things set up with the attorney so we can get our 800 number and start getting that out to people.   I know that Chris and I will have some time to talk about things during our trip.

The trip.... we debated about spending the money to take a vacation, but knew that we needed to get away to rejuvenate our souls after the past year.  With all of the loss and stress on our marriage, we knew we needed to invest some time into our relationship.  We dreamed of recreating our dream vacation from last year, but that wasn't realistic.  So, we are heading to Aruba!  We were able to use Marriott points that we earned from all of our stays in Denver and swim meets.  We're flying using upgrades from our flights to Denver.  At least our trips to CC.RM are paying off in some ways!

We also got a random check in the mail yesterday from CC.RM.  There was no letter, no stub- just a check with refund written in the memo.  So now we have some extra vacation spending money from CC.RM too! 

Hoping you all have a wonderful week.  I'll soak up some rays for those of you stuck in the cold.  :)

What a week!

Oh my bloggy friends, I have neglected you this week.  It's been a crazy week since I last posted.  This post might be a hot rambling mess, so be forewarned!  :)

Chris' boys had a ROCK STAR State Meet.  The team ended up 14th overall- the highest in school history. Individually, several kids did very well.  Our diver ended up 7th overall, and our 500 swimmer ended up 6th.  Several other boys ended up in the top 12, as did one of our relays.  So very proud of Chris and the team.  I am so very thankful that I had the opportunity to be there with him.  I spent lots of quality time with one of my most favorite swim families, so it was a great weekend all around!

Chris is happy high school season is over, which means he is only at the pool for 5 hours instead of close to 8 every day.  He is at the club's Senior State Meet this weekend, and the kids are really doing well there, too.  One more weekend and he will be on a break until after my Spring Break.

Things are crazy busy with school for me right now.  Lots of stuff due on March 1st including trimester grades and purchase orders for the remainder of the school year.  Kids have spring fever big time (ok, so do teachers) and we have the dreaded state testing next week.  I just might be counting the days until Spring Break!

Chris got his coaching check and we also got our tax refund.  We are trying to find a way to get away to some sun for a few days over Spring Break.  For a short time, it looked like we might be able to sneak away to St Lucia again for a short time, but flights were crazy expensive by the time we decided.  I spent way too many hours online researching places for us to go and we still haven't made up our mind.  I am torn about spending the money to go on vacation right now, but in my heart I know that Chris and I both need some time to reconnect and relax after everything we've been through since September.  Chris is supposed to be looking at options during his down time at the meet, but I am not sure how much of that he is doing. 

I've also run twice since I last blogged.  The runs were spread out due to the craziness, but I did them!  So I've done Week 2 days 2 & 3
1.36 miles
Ran halls of school

Hoping I'll be able to run outside tomorrow sometime.  It's cold and snowy, so it isn't looking good.  Otherwise I'll have to run on Monday.  Week 3 gets even tougher!  The race is now 1 month and 5 days away.  YIKES!

And then there was the third strike... or + sign depending on how you look at it I guess.  A third coworker came "out" to me after school on Friday.  She's pregnant and due on the SAME DAY as coworker #1.  I saw this coming as my sixth sense had already kicked in.  It was an interesting conversation that I am still processing and I have the start of a blog post swirling around in my head.  So, look for more on that later.  This is her second child and I knew this was going to start happening... I'm being lapped by the "second round" of coworkers now...

I was pretty angry/sad/anxious when I got home from work on Friday.  I am thrilled for this friend and our conversation was sweet, but it still stung.  I tried to express my feelings to Chris, and he just doesn't see a connection between other people's pregnancies and our infertility.  I've come to respect his opinion on it, but it doesn't help me when I go to the dark place sometimes infertiles go to.  He's out of town at the meet all weekend, so my weekend was wide open to do whatever I wanted.  I had thoughts of drinking multiple bottles of wine, but then I realized that I could DO SOMETHING with my anger/sadness/anxiety. 

So, I remembered that there was an adoption conference being held by a local organization today.  I had dismissed it, because I knew Chris was going to be at the state meet.  I checked the website and found that they were in fact accepting walk in registrations.  So... after some gentle shoves from my good friend Mandy, I decided to go.  It was SO far out of my comfort zone and my anxiety levels were high most of the day, but I did it.  I drove 90 minutes each way and attended a conference all by myself.  I'm not going to go into deep detail about the conference in this post because I have lots to say about it and it deserves its own post.  However, I am going to say that I am pretty proud of myself for taking this big step and I even talked to the attorney we worked with back in 2007 and got some information and will be calling her to set up some services with her. 

I have school work and housework to keep me busy for the next 24 hours until Chris gets home.  I also plan to go through some of the handouts from the conference tonight and try to process it all a little more while it is fresh in my brain.  :)

Hope you are all having a fabulous weekend!

Wordless Wednesday

Just a quick update

I promise a much longer post is coming.  But for now, I will share a few of my favorite photos from our AMAZING trip to St. Lucia.

Our first day in Paradise!

Waterfall at Botanical Gardens

Sunset Cruise... with lots of Rum Punch!

View of Marigot Bay after sunset

Our own private cabin... our little slice of HEAVEN on Earth