Final Treatment Cycle of 2003

Well, we are on to another cycle.  AF took her sweet time getting here.  In fact, I had started the prometrium to force her arrival when she showed up on her own.  I played phone tag with the RE's office all day, but was able to talk with them this morning.  (they are open on weekends...what a concept!)  I will go in for baseline tomorrow morning and we will go from there.  The plan is to move on to injections once again this cycle and see how I react.  I am hoping this final cycle of 2003 will be the final one ever. 

We were very hopeful that we could get pg last cycle, a natural cycle, like everyone else.  That is just not meant to be.  I really thought I would be pregnant by now.  In four short months, I will be 29.  I fear I will not be a mother before I am 30.  So many tell me that I am still young, but I know that my eggs aren't getting any younger and that time is ticking for us already.  Chris turned 30 last May.  Another milestone passed without success.

We did get some really good news... our insurance is changing after the first of the year.  We will now have coverage to attempt an IVF.  When we started this journey, both of us didn't think we would go that far.  Here we are.  We will have to change REs, which makes me very sad.  However, we have always been told that we have a GREAT chance of getting pg on our first IVF.  We only get four chances total. 

Good News

Well we made it through the HSG. It was not easy, and the RE had a terrible time getting things to work. My cervix appears to be very stubborn, and would not cooperate with the catheter. It took three tries and an instrument to pinch my cervix to get it to work. The worst part was the muscle spasms I had in my legs. I could hardly walk afterwards!

The good news is that everything is CLEAR. Both tubes are good. The right side was the first to fill with fluid, which was a HUGE releif due to my ectopic last year.

My cervix was pretty irritated and I had some mild cramping afterwards. The bleeding continued for the rest of the afternoon.

After the procedure, the RE told us that we can get pg naturally this cycle... as if it were that easy! :-) We are happy and will do our best this cycle on our own.

I start using the OPKs tonight. Man, those things are hard to read. I really hope that I do indeed O on my own and that we can get pg like everyone else. That just might make this all worth it!

In most ways, I am ecstatic to know that my tubes are clear. That is one more thing that is perfect. The bad part is that we still don't know WHY I can't get pg. Everything is working now. All we need is time, I guees. I am just tired of waiting.

Good News from the RE

The appt with the RE today was good. She is an amazing woman who really makes me feel that this is MY body and that we are able to make the decisions with her guidance.

She continues to feel that we WILL get pg, and without the assistance of IVF. She feels that my egg quality is really good, and Chris's SAs are awesome. We should be able to get pg on our own.


We have a new game plan... We will increase my dose of Metformin to 2000mg each night. We will also be doing an HSG on Monday to assure that my tubes are clear. The old RE never felt this was needed, and looking back at my charts there was some question about the right tube. I had an ectopic pregnancy in December of last year in that tube


Since we are doing HSG this cycle, we will be doing things naturally. The HSG can also clear the tubes, and pg rates are increased in the months right after the procedure. We will be using the OPKs this month. It is actually refreshing to not be monitored this cycle.

If we don't get pg this month, then we will return to the injections next cycle. We'll start with small doses and move from there. Even if there is a tubal issue on the right, we can still continue with the injection

I have made peace with the family for now...

Another new day...

Today is a new day. I am so thankful for my DH and the love that we share. If I didn't have him, I don't know what I would do. He has always told me that we are in this together, and that we will fight this together. At times I didn't let him in... I wanted to protect him. It has taken some time for me to let him in and see how much pain I am in. It is also very hard for me to see how much pain he is in. I feel like I am the cause of that pain, but I know that it is in fact the infertility
that is the culprit.

I have decided to take some time away from my family... at least for a few days. They simply don't understand the pain I am in. You see, they all have children. I am the ONLY one who doesn't have ANY children. They tell me I need to stop treatment...easy for them to say as they hold their babies in their arms! I love my niece and nephew very much, but yet each time I look into their eyes, I see what I don't have. I wonder if I will ever hear someone call me. "mom."

I just can't imagine living my entire life without being a parent. To me that is the greatest thing a person can do. In many ways, I wonder what the point of having a wonderful life is if you can't share it with a child. I know DEEP in my heart that we will someday be parents... I just HAVE to... it is my destiny.

CD #1

Well, AF started early this morning. Another cycle begins. I called the office (love the fact they are open on a Saturday!) and set up baseline for Monday. We have an appt with the RE on Tuesday. The nurse called back and thinks that I need to have an HSG next. Not looking forward to that option. Again, I am afraid what the test will show. The procedure tests to see if your tubes are open. Since I had the ectopic last December, I am fearful that my right tube will show some blockage.
If that is the case, then IVF will be our only option. We won't be able to afford that for some time. Why is this so difficult?

On to the next cycle....

Had reason to be scared. Another BFN here. Doesn't seem to get any easier. Why does this keep happening to us? I am so angry and yet so numb....

Countdown...

Tomorrow is Beta day. I don't think I have ever been this nervous before. I am really feeling cautiously optimistic. I decided to just have the blood test this time. I am to afraid to take the HPT. This way we will know for sure. Now I just have to keep myself busy tonight and tomorrow.
I don't know what our plans are after this cycle. Its so much easier to have a plan before we find out how a cycle ends up. Part of me wants to take a break from all of this, and part of me doesn't want to ever stop treatment until we are successful.
I am trying to come to peace with whatever the test shows tomorrow before I know what it will show. The hardest part of all of this is the loss of control. I don't do well when I don't have control over a situation. I have almost NO control over all of this. I can do everything right and still end up with a BFN tomorrow.

I have to start somewhere...

Where to start... I am not even sure.  I guess I will start at today and work backwards over time...

We're coming to the end of another treatment cycle this week.  I am trying to keep positive.  My beta is scheduled for Thursday.  I've promised myself I won't pee on any of those god forsaken HPTs this time.  We'll see if I can hold out.  Everything has fallen into place this month... the follicles, the SA, the timing.  It has to work, right?  But in all reality, the chances of it working are very slim.  They always are.  Have to be realistic...

We've put lots into this cycle...both time and finances.  We are finally with a new RE that sees us as individuals, not just part of an assembly line.  The office staff are caring and compasionate.  They don't make me feel that I am getting in the way.  That has made a world of difference in my stress level this cycle.  I am very appreciative.

So now we wait...