Short Vent..

Just a quick vent. I am a "fan" of my clinic on Facebook. All this week I have received updates from the fan page that my RE has a book coming out... that is supposed to answer any questions you have about trying to get pregnant. If the man can write a book on the topic, then why the heck doesn't he have any answers for us? It just makes me sad. :(

Vent over.

One day at a time...

That is really all I can do at this point. We're dealing with it. I wish I hadn't figured out "dates" if we had gotten our positive. I had a mini meltdown today when I realized that our first ultrasound would have been this Friday. Its the little things like this that seem to set me off the most.

Chris had a great weekend at the High School Sectional meet. He had one relay and several boys qualify for the state meet this coming Friday. He had a few sectional champions, too! The team ended up in 3rd place, which is one of the best they have ever done. I am so very proud of him and this accomplishment. Chris needed this... he needed to feel some success.

We are no closer to making a plan as to what to do next. I know what I want to do, but it isn't possible right now. Instead, we are focusing on trying to plan a great relaxing romantic vacation for spring break. I think we have decided on the US Virgin Islands. We are waiting for Chris' coaching check to book things. It will be last minute, but we are hoping to get some great deals that way. While I feel a little guilty making this splurge, I know that we both NEED this. We are both hurting and need to take some time to reconnect and simply relax.

Next week are the dreaded state tests for my students. They are not ready, but I don't know if they would ever be ready. I HATE giving these tests and they are simply NOT FAIR for my kids. I won't go into a rant about it again. I am not feeling very successful as a teacher, which is compounded by our failed IVF. I am just not feeling very successful in life right now. I let things slide in my professional life while I focused on our IVF. I don't regret that decision, but now I have to deal with the consequences of that choice. I am an overachiever, so it is hard to look at see that you haven't done all that you could have done. Trying not to look back, but move forward. That's hard since I don't know what our future holds.

My Valentine...

15 years ago, this man asked me to be his wife. I can't even begin to express how much we've changed since then. It wasn't a perfect day and I made things difficult for him, all the way to the proposal. But he still asked, and I said yes.

We had a similar day this year. The reality is that I am still in a not so great place and not completely in control of my emotions. Last year Chris went all out and planned a full day of spoiling me. He told me that he thought I was going to be pregnant so he didn't want to plan much. So that left us with no plans on Valentine's Day.

Chris called an booked massages for us at a place we'd never been. We got up and had breakfast and stopped at World Market to stock up on wine. We got to the massage place, and I had a bad feeling. It was inside a Gold's Gym and the vibe was just off. And then they handed me a form to fill out about my health conditions and there it was in black and white... "Are you pregnant?" It's little things like a simple form that just make my heart stop. I got over it... or so I thought. Then when they came out with a masseuse that was male, I lost it. No WAY was I going to get a massage from some guy. I had a minor meltdown and ended up in tears. We got a refund and got out of there. I am sad that Chris missed out on his massage, but I knew I needed to get out of there. (I am hoping to schedule one for him at a NICER place later this week to make up for it)

We ended up going to see Lighting Thief. We were both disappointed with the movie because it strayed so far from the book. The movie iteself was good, but it was just hard to follow since the plot was so different than the book. I am looking forward to talking with some of the kids at school to see what their take is on it.

Came home and had another melt down but we ended up the night on a great note. There is a great restraunt here in Antioch that had a special Valentine's Dinner event. We went and had a great time with some great food. It was nice to just enjoy the moments and we only talked about the IVF once. All of the food was amazing and we even shared a bottle of wine. I was feeling pretty good by the time we got home. :) I was glad that I had the day off from work today since I had a little headache this morning for sure.

The next month is crazy busy for Chris and he had tons of work to do this morning. I made breakfast and even made chili for lunch. He had early practice for the high school, so he had to leave by 12:15. I am used to being home alone, but I am having a hard time with it right now. I miss him dearly and wish he could be home with me now. It seems that early mornings and evenings are the hardest for me. I am not ready to be out in the "real world" just yet, so for now I have to deal with being alone at night.

I am hoping that things will start to get better soon. I am still having moments of shear panic when I realize that our FET really did fail. I don't have any idea what the future holds for us at all. So for now I am just taking things one day at a time. But I am so very thankful that I have my valentine to take the journey with me!

Project Life (yes, a non infertility post!)

Thought I would share my project life album that I have been working on. I thought this would be a great year to do this, since I thought I was going to be pregnant for most of it. But we all know how that turned out, so I am not going to go there.

The goal is to take a photo a day and journal about it. The album is a kit from Becky Higgins. You can find it at Amazon now. There are divided page protectors so all you have to do is slip the photos and cards in.

I am actually all caught up except for the journalling for last Sunday. Still not sure what I want to write that could sum things up.

So here it is:

Questioning my Identity

For the past six years, I have defined myself as an infertile woman. While I have many roles in my life, the infertile was first and foremost in my perception of myself. I created a barrier that protected the infertile from life and all of the things that can shake the world of said infertile. Baby stores, showers, facebook posts were all avoided. I created a hard shell that didn't fantasize about being pregnant or look up due date calculators. I didn't wander the baby aisle at Target or read reviews about baby products. I kept myself safe... most of the time. I was bitter about being infertile, but I accepted it as the fate I was given. I was getting stronger and able to share in the pregnancy and baby of one close friend.

And then I cracked the shell. I decided to do a final treatment cycle in the hopes of getting some answers and being able to fully move on. With each step of the process, I got more hopeful. It scared the crap out of me to be hopeful, but I did it. We were at the best clinic in the country. We were seeing one of the best REs in the country. I passed every test along the way and everything pointed to us ending up pregnant this time. EVERYONE thought this would work. The experts, our friends, and us.

For the first time in six years, I actually believed that I was going to be pregnant. I made plans. We talked about names and I browsed nursery themes for hours. I calculated my due date and considered when I would have to go on maternity leave. I researched my teaching contract to see what I needed to do in order to maximize leave. I imagined what my babies would look like and what their personalities might hold.

I created a path that I was sure my life was going to take. I had plans. We had plans. I had expectations of what I would be doing this weekend, next weekend, and beyond. And now I feel lost.

I am an intelligent woman. I should be able to pick up the pieces and move on. I mean, really, it is not as if this failure is a new thing. I've been there before. Somehow this time was different. I feel so very stupid that I actually thought this was going to work. I let down my guard and now I am questioning everything.

I don't want to go back to the bitter infertile woman, but she felt safe. Right now I feel raw. I feel like I am made of glass and might just shatter at any moment. I don't really want to be this fragile sad woman either. What do I really want to be? I want to be a mom more than I want anything else in this world. I want to be identified as a mom. The reality is that I can't have that identity.

So I guess for now, I am going to be the sad fragile woman until I can build another protective shell. I don't think I'll ever be able to create a complete seal. I've had a taste of hope and the "other side." I am taking things one day at a time and hope that I can come out of this stronger.

Angry Quick Post

Just a quick angry post...

Home from a 12+ hour workday due to parent teacher conferences. NOT A SINGLE PARENT showed tonight. I sat in my classroom or chatted with coworkers. Really? That is what I needed to do tonight. It was open walk in, but not a single parent of ANY student of mine felt the need to come in. Nice. I have one scheduled tomorrow. We'll see if they show. Another 4 hours at school tomorrow.

I have reached the angry phase in a big way. I probably really shouldn't have been at work today, but I needed to be there. My students have learned helplessnes and really seem to not be able to do a single thing on their own right now. Oh the joys of middle school in February.

Oh, and just to add insult to injury, my period started yesterday with a vengeance. Just another treat that failing an IVF brings. The gift that keeps on giving...

Back to the "real" world

I made it through my first day of work without any major meltdowns. There were occasional tears, but never around the kids so I feel like it was a pretty good day. I am so lucky to work with some amazing and supportive people who made sure I knew I was missed. I enjoyed some Portillo's chocolate cake thanks to two of my coworkers.

Now that I am not pregnant and don't have any restrictions, I was able to play with Romeo after school today. He simply LOVES his frisbee. He was cracking me up as I threw the frisbee and he chased it through the snow... all 14 inches of it! He runs with reckless abandon after that red frisbee and gallops back with a sheer joy I don't think I will ever understand. If only my life could be as simple. :)

Struggling with what to do next. Chris and I are far apart on this. I hope that time will give us a chance to make a decision we can both live with. The only way I am still getting up each morning is the hope that it isn't over yet... that there is still hope that I can get pregnant. A little crazy part of me would really like to do another fresh cycle to gather some more embryos before I get too old. That goes against what we agreed to when we started this cycle. And then there is the cost...

I just don't know what my life is supposed to look like right now. For the past 6 months, I have lived with the assumption that we would get pregnant and that was what our life would look like right now. I have 110% to our IVF and let other things in my life slide. I am not feeling very successful in any part of my life right now, since I let everything else slide while we were in treatment. So for now I am taking baby steps. One day at a time is all I can manage.

I am hoping that each day brings less tears and we can start to heal.

Hibernating

So I didn't go to work again today. We are getting another blizzard, so that sealed my plan to stay home. The reality is that I don't want to have to face anyone yet. I am going to have to return to work tomorrow. I am feeling strong until I think about that.

I haven't had to say IT out loud. By it, I mean the fact our cycle has failed. I only said IT once, and that was to Chris when I had to call him after our nurse called. I have avoided phone calls from friends. I have only cried twice today, but when I think about having to talk to someone about it, I feel the tears start. Now I have told people that it failed... all of the people close to us know. I had the safety of text and email to do that. I could hide behind the writing, and I didn't have to say it outloud. I don't know if it just the notion of saying it somehow makes it more real. It might just be the fact that I am scared.

I've done some research today and really haven't come up with much. We simply are in the Bermuda triangle of IVF failure. I have really had pretty much every test that is suggested. We could consult with a reproductive immunologist, but many of the basic tests they do we've already had. And all of those results were normal. I am wondering about v.iagra and adding a steroid for the entire cycle, not just a few days. All things I need to look into.

I suppose I feel better now that we've talked to Dr Sch and I have a little bit of a plan of what to do next. And then I think about having to return to the world tomorrow, and I don't feel so strong. So for now, I am going to enjoy hibernation for just a little bit longer.

No reason AGAIN

Just got off the phone with the RE. He actually said he has NO IDEA why it didn't work. The top freaking Dr in the country and he has no idea why we can't get pregnant. I think that is what makes me the maddest off all. There is NO REASON why this failed. I have been saying for years if I could just get a clear cut reason as to why this doesn't work I could walk away. I could accept defeat.

He was very kind, and I honestly felt like he was disappointed in our results. I didn't feel rushed while talking with him and he answered all of my questions. I really felt that he honestly had no idea why it didn't work for us. When I asked, he said that I could do the depot lupron before we consider another FET. I also asked about doing a biopsy the month before the transfer, and he also said that he would consider that. The theory is that the injury to the lining is then repaired the next month and extra growth protein is emitted into the uterine lining the next month. There is a study that was done in Israel on this.

I flat out asked if he thought it was an egg issue... and he said no. He didn't even mention an egg donor at this point. He reminded me that I had the best cycle ever and ended up with 7 blasts in the end. The only change he would make if I did another fresh cycle would be to decrease my dosage sooner so that I didn't have to coast as long. I didn't ask about a surrogate... guess I don't even want to go there yet. I did ask about a structural issue, and he assured me that when he looked at my uterus, everything is NORMAL.

So here we are. $20,000 lighter and no closer to having a baby.

Still here

I am still here... and still numb. I "forget" about the negative for a little bit, and then when it comes back into my mind I almost have a panic attack. I break into tears at random times. It seems that I am most likely to fall into tears when people are being kind. I read kind words from friends in a text or email, and I am instantly in tears. A friend called to check on Chris and I and I couldn't take her call and instead burst into tears. I think it is strange that it is the goodness that makes me want to cry the most.

I am glad I decided to stay home today, and I might stay home tomorrow too. I had some good friends share the news with my coworkers today and also tell everyone that I didn't want to talk about it. Again, the kindness factor seems to bring about the biggest tears. I also know that I can not be a good teacher when I am so angry and raw. While I know I have to go back at some point, and that having the distraction of work will help, I know that I am just not ready yet.

I've kept distracted reading the last few days. Right now I am reading 29 Gifts by Cami Walker. Enjoying the message and being reminded that my life could be worse. I also read Dear John and The Lightning Thief. Both light reads. Lightning Thief was good but Dear John not so much.

The head of the swim team told Chris to take a few days off... so thankfully he will be back home shortly. I don't like being home alone right now. He had to go in for the High School team. He is dreading seeing parents tonight knowing that he will have to face them all with our news. We were WAY too open about this IVF. But we thought it was going to work....

WHY?????

It's 2:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. I fell asleep at 8:30 from exhaustion and the stupid medication still in my system. I woke up about 1:30 in a full panic attack when I realized that this really happened to us. We really go another friggin negative. A negative at the best flippin clinic in the country. What the hell?

Fair warning- I am angry right now and about to vent. I might offend you. Feel free to stop reading right here.

I just spent over $20,000 on this cycle. I gave up ALL caffeine, including my beloved chocolate. I missed a total of 15 days of work. I have been pumping drugs into my body for months that had side effects that ranged from a constant headache to spotting and constrant cramps. I have done literally HUNDREDS of injections. I have used just about every friend I have in order to make it possible for us to spend time out of town. We spent a total of 2 weeks in Denver and never saw any of the mountains or other amazing things that it has to offer. I have let my professional responsibilities slide. And all for what? NOTHING!

And let's not even start on the fairness of this all. I am YOUNG when it comes to people who go to CCRM. I am "only" freaking 34! We have learned of TWO teenage girls who are pregnant in the past month. REALLY? You have got to be kidding me. And after spending all of this money, we are NO CLOSER to knowing anything. We don't have the promise of a baby, and we have NO FLIPPING idea why it won't work?!

I hope that when we talk to the RE today or tomorrow he has some answers for us, but I am not thinking he will. EVERY Dr has told us that they simply don't know why it doesn't work for us. I have had EVERY test known to man over the past 10 yeas. I can't think of a SINGLE thing I can ask to do. But yet, I can't imagine walking away from our final embryo that is considered "normal" and is still frozen in Denver. Chris says there is NO WAY he will even consider doing anything. I guess I just want it to be all over. I don't want the knowledge of that embryo to hang over us.

And dont get me started about God. For the first time in years, I thought my faith was restored. No way. I can't believe that there is a God who would allow so much pain and suffering in the world. We had all of these people with strong faith praying for us. Everyone says that God has a plan. Well guess what? I don't buy it. I can't beleive in a God who allows teenagers with mental instability to get pregnant at the drop of a hat and strings along good people with the carrot of a possible pregnancy only to tear it away. I am done.

All I can say to my husband is I am sorry. Once again, I have robbed him of being a father. He is heartbroken and I don't know how to heal this. I love him more than I can ever say and yet once again I have put him in a place of terrible pain. This was supposed to be it dammit. This was supposed to be our chance to finally have the child we so desperately want. We've worked hard in life. And now we have spent our life savings and have NO money to even consider jumping into the adoption ring again. And if we want to transfer that remaining embryo? That will be another $6000 thank you.

You would think that I would get the hint. We are not destined to be parents. How many times to I have to be hit upside the head before I get out of the ring? When will I learn? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expected different results. I think this last cycle shows that I have definitely crossed over into the land of insanity.

One last soapbox before I try to go back to sleep- Please recognize infertility as a DISEASE. While many don't see it as life threatening, it is life altering. Please don't tell people to just relax or to take a vacation and it will all work out. You wouldn't tell someone dealing with diabetes that, now would you? It is a MEDICAL diagnosis that deserves to be treated as such. Please respect those around you who do not have children. You may not know their whole story. Don't ask people why they don't have children. You just don't know what pain might be behind that question.

I may regret this post in the morning, but I needed to get this all out in the hopes that it will help me sleep. Thank goodness I decided to take a sick day so that I can get myself together before I have to deal with my students. I have to get back on a regular schedule but that might take a few days until all of this crappy mediation is out of my system. And one more great thing... I will get the period from HELL in a few days. Isn't that the best present at the end of all of this?!

Going to try to get some sleep now...

Negative

Once again, my hope for a miracle is for naught. Negative. Beta was less than 2. Not even a HINT of a positive. Dr is supposed to call us either tomorrow or Tuesday for a follow up. Chris is heartbroken. I am angry that I actually let myself think this might work.

Today is the DAY!

I am heading out the door in a few moments for my beta. I am shaking already, so it might be interesting to see how they are able to draw blood. I haven't taken any more HPT mostly because I couldn't stomach the thought of seeing another negative. I keep reminding myself that I have done all that I can at this point and it is out of my hands. I just wish I had a little more control!

I don't know what to think at this point. I am worried that my body is not absorbing the progesterone at the correct rate anymore. Chris is so sure that we will get a positive today. I was sure until yesterday. Chris has a meet today, so I am doing it solo today. That scares me too. He promised to come home if the news was not good.

Said my prayers this morning... nothing more I can do now. I will continue to pray for the strength to endure whatever the results may be. Did I mention that I am scared?

Ok... off I go!

8dp5dt... a little less hopeful

So I did it this morning, I took the HPT at 4:30 am (yep, that is when I had to get up and pee) Now I was also up at 1:30. I was so hopeful that I would have a blazing positive and be able to share that moment with Chris. Not so much. Only one stinking line. I am trying hard to remain calm and not freak out yet. It could be too early. It just seems that pretty much everyone on the boards who has done the FET with normals, saw a +HPT by this time.

Part of me wishes I had waited and not done it yet. However, I am thankful to have 24 hours to prepare for my beta now. I was living in a fantasy world thinking that this time was different and it was really going to work. I have had two different dreams, and each one of them had a + hpt in it. Too bad that didn't transfer to my real life this morning.

I promised Chris I would stay positive and not count this as over yet. I am trying, really I am. Of course it doesn't help that he will be gone all day and home late tonight because he is at a swim meet all weekend. That means I am home alone trying to keep my mind busy so I don't obsess about the test this morning. I am wide awake at it is only 6:30 am. Hoping I will be able to fall back asleep at some point.

We've told so many people about this. There are so many people praying for us and thinking that this is our miracle. I am hoping that all of that positiveness will make our miracle really come true tomorrow.

Friday night...

One day closer to knowing how this story will end...

I am so glad today is Friday and I don't have to deal with middle school students tomorrow. I might not have made it another day without harming someone! :) The kids have cabin fever and there is just a stress in the air. There are impending staff cuts for next year and the upcoming state tests to name two of the big stresses at school right now. I am so thankful that I have tenure and don't have to deal with the added stress of worrying about my job for next year. I am sad for some of my coworkers that are excellent teachers may lose their jobs due to bureaucracy and budget cuts.

Trying to watch some tv from last night to keep myself from thinking about whether or not I am pregnant. I fell asleep at 7:30 last night so I missed both Grey's and Private Practice. Romeo wants me to play frisbee with him in the worst way. He just doesn't seem to understand that mommy can't really play with him right now. I might have to sweet talk a few friends into coming over to play with him.

I seem to still have some symptoms/side effects today. The "girls" were REALLY sore when I went to bed last night. I had some serious cramping this morning on my drive into work. It's 6:30 and I am ready for bed.

While I hate being in this limbo land, I am living in the land of HOPE right now. I am hopeful that we will finally have our miracle. I am hopeful that we have done all that we could do to make this work, and that it will in fact work. I am hopeful that all of the sacrifices and hardships we've endured to make this IVF/FET possible will all be worth it. While I HATE being in limbo land, at least this time I am living in a HOPEFUL limbo land. :)

Ok, off to make some dinner and enjoy one more night of blissful ignorance...

6dp5dt

Oh how I wish I could fast forward to Sunday. Today we are 6dp5dt- which means we are 6 days past a 5 day transfer. Our embryos were considered 5 days (or 6) old when we transferred them. In non-IVF terms, that means that I am 11 days past "ovulation". Sunday is our big day... the day I will have my blood test to see if our two little frosties decided to stick around or not.

I am REALLY tired today and have had a lower back pain for several days. I also have some tenderness in my "girls" so to speak. All signs that I could be pregnant, but also side effects of the medications I am on. I so wish there was a magic wand that could just tell you right away if the embryos were going to "stick". I wonder if some day the technology will be there that will allow just that to happen.

I am hopeful. I really am. I bought some HPTs yesterday but have resisted using them. As of this moment, my plan is to do it on Saturday morning. Chris has a meet through the weekend so we will not be together when we get the call on Sunday. I know that being with him at the meet is just not an option for me. If we get bad news, that will be the last place I will want to be. If it is good news, I am not sure that is where I want to be either. So, the plan is to do the HPT before so that we know what the blood test *should* show.

I forgot how hard this process is. Here we are at the home stretch. The news on Sunday will either give meaning to the past four years of my life, or will make me question what we are going to do from here.

Hoping I can keep my sanity for the next few days...