Intoxicating

After a tough Thanksgiving, the rest of the weekend went much better.  I think I just really needed to deal with the anger and sadness and then I was able to move on.  We had a fabulous time with our friends on Friday, and I am so very glad we went.  I was really feeling like it might be time for us to start considering what it meant to live childfree. I thought that I was ready to start thinking about that possibility.

I was wrong.

Snuggle time with Katie, our friend's daughter

Oh my word.  There is just something so sweet and intoxicating about holding a baby like this.  Instead of feeling overwhelming sadness about the fact that this sweet baby is close to the age the baby we lost in February would be, I felt an incredible sense of peace while holding her. Oh, and the sweet smell of her tiny little head?  I am not sure I could ever get enough!  I suppose this is all a sign that I am moving in the right direction, that all of the pain and heartache of the past 12 years will be worth it... if I ever have the chance to hold my own sweet baby like this.  (Please excuse the flatness of my curls in this photo... this was much later in the evening!)

And then there was this....

Chris with Katie and her big brother Matty

I don't know if I have ever been more attracted to this man than in this photo.  He is truly a natural when it comes to kids and they just are drawn to him.  (I promise that we didn't get confused between the wine glass and the bottle!)

Now, there was a great deal of wine later in the evening and I may have felt a little ill when we got home.  But there was a great deal of laughter, even in the midst of being the only childless couple there.  We may have also joked repeatedly about stealing Katie, since she is the youngest of four, but we promise she went home safe and sound with her mom and dad. 

So I guess this point is this... we're okay, and we're going to keep plugging along.  I want the chance to have that intoxicating sweet baby smell (and all of the not so sweet smells) in our home and our hearts.

And we heard from M today.  Apparently she has decided that she does in fact want to work with us.  I don't know how I feel about it, and she still wants us to provide more than what we are comfortable with.  We are being VERY generous and will have to make some deep sacrifices to even provide the level of support we have offered.  She texted Chris late in the day and we've spoken to our attorney about it.  We reiterated that M needs to discuss all financial aspects with the agency only, not us directly.  We'll see what tomorrow brings- and we feel strongly that we will hold firm with our position.  As we've always said, if she is willing to work with that, we will move forward.  I don't think that M is being completely honest with us on several things, but I know that is part of who she is.  We'll see what the next few days hold.  I refuse to be manipulated for the next several months, and have already distanced myself from it all for now.

Please keep sending positive thoughts our way.  I am in constant awe of the love and support from all of you out there.  I can't wait for the day that I can share our joy with all of you rather than sorrow.

Remembering Wilson- 5 years Later

It's been five years since this we said goodbye to a coworker, teacher, coach, and most of all friend.  She's been on my mind lately, and I can't believe that it's been five years since I last saw her face and heard hear laughter.  Laurie was an amazing spirit and soul, who touched so many young lives and those who were fortunate to be her friends and coworkers. 

She was my cheerleader (she'd hate that I called her that) and confidant.  She taught me about understanding and openness.  She taught me to laugh at myself and to not take myself too seriously.  She'd be really unhappy to see the state of our school and the way that our staff is treating each other.  She'd have plenty to say about all the mandates and new initiatives in place.

I'd like to think she'd be thrilled for our colleagues who've found love and have a baby on the way.  I'd like to think that she'd be proud of the choices I've made.  I hope she's cheering us on in our quest to become parents. 

I still wish I would have done more five years ago, but have finally come to terms that there was nothing more I could do.  Losing her opened my eyes to so much and for that I am grateful, even if I miss her spirit and energy in my life.

In honor of her memory, I'm going to make sure to tell those I care about just how much they mean to me.... and challenge you to do the same.  You never know when just one simple card, or word of encouragement can make all the difference in the world to someone.

You are missed, Wilson.  

Afternoon Tea

We're still in a little limbo with the adoption situation.  Our attorney came down with the flu, so we haven't had a chance to talk with her about it all.  Hopefully we'll have some insight after talking to her tomorrow... But for now, let me share about my adventure yesterday.

I've written about my good friends Bridget and Jamie several times, and recently wrote a post all about them.  These girls are my rock in so many ways, so I was thrilled to get the chance to be part of Bridget's birthday surprise along with Jamie.  Bridget's husband arranged the entire thing, and it was such an honor to be included.

Jamie and I headed into the city on the train and enjoyed some great conversation along the way.  We had plenty of time to get to our destination, so we decided to walk from the train station.  We took the very scenic route, but had the chance to see parts of the city we hadn't seen in awhile.  We managed to stay out of the shady parts for the most part.  :)  My legs and ankles are pretty sore still today, though.  I wasn't wearing walking shoes since we were heading to a nice location!

We arrived at The Drake Hotel on Michigan Avenue in plenty of time to look around and take in the sights of the lobby.  Jamie ended up running into one of her daughter's friends who was also there for afternoon tea.  Bridget arrived shortly after we did, and almost didn't notice us in the lobby.  We had asked her what she was doing for the weekend, and she had no idea we were in on the secret.  She was brought to the tea by one of her friends from college, and her best friend since high school joined us as well.

It was quite a lovely time.  There is a harp player and beautiful flowers everywhere. There weren't many men in the restaurant... at least that weren't working.  We had our choice of about 30 different teas and each chose a different one.  They delivered a tower of treats with mini sandwiches, scones, and delicious little deserts.  I think my favorite was the banana bread.  It was amazing with the clotted cream (which I had no idea was as divine as it is!)

It was such a girly afternoon.  We laughed and of course had some inappropriate jokes along the way.  We enjoyed the ambiance and the company.  It was so fun to see Bridget so utterly surprised and truly loving every moment of the time we had together.  This was something she had mentioned in passing to her husband about wanting to do, and he ran with it.  I can't say that it was even on my radar to do, but I am so glad I had the experience and look forward to doing it again with friends in the future. 

Here are the girls at the table... it's not a great photo, but I love that it shows the ambiance of it all!

The Birthday girl in awe of the tower of treats

The remnants of the tower... and I am pretty sure we finished off most of what you see here!

Assume the Good

My new life motto seems to be developing into something along the lines of "assume the good"

I'm trying to focus on the good, and focus on the belief that people come from a place of good.  I'm trying to focus on the positives in people, rather than the negatives that are so easy to spot.  I'm trying to believe that everything has good within.  I'm trying to see the good in a situation, even when all I want to do is kick and scream.

Notice that I am saying try.  This is something that is really hard for me. We've been through so much, and the current limbo is no different. 

I can't focus on the negative.  There's just too much negative in the world right now.  There's so much negativity being thrown out in the current political campaign season.  Teachers are being scrutinized and the morale in most public schools is at an all time low.  My school is no different.  There's negativity all around, and as a society we are quick to assume the worst in others. 

Chris and I have a long time debate on whether I am a "pessimist" or a "realist."  I like the latter of those- but now I am really trying to shift even further into the land of optimism.  I want to not only assume the good in others... but I want to be a positive force in the world around me. 

So that is where I am trying so very hard to shift my life.  I'm going to assume the good. And I might get stung in the process, but that will only allow me to grow. 

Hello October!

Whew... it's once again been too long since I last posted here.  Life got a little bit hectic for a little while!  I think I am finally settling into the craziness and getting a handle on it all.  Grad school is making me a little crazy as the work load varies from week to week making it really hard to plan out my time.  Chris is at his first swim meet of the season today, which means I have the weekend all to myself.  I've settled into my new role, and really feeling good about it.  I had some family drama explode earlier in the week, but I've reiterated my decisions there and am able to move on.  I literally felt like I could breathe again this morning for the first time in several weeks!

Now that the busyness is settling, I am starting to feel the familiar frustration with our adoption efforts.  It's now been more than a year since we went fully active with our marketing, and my heart is heavy.  I really hoped that we would be matched and maybe even parenting before the end of 2012.  I am starting to lose hope that 2012 will be our year.  I find myself wondering why others have "passed us by" as they are matched and even adopting a second child all in the time we've been waiting.  I know in my head and heart that the right match is out there for us, but it doesn't make the sting hurt less.  After years of being the last one standing in the infertility world, I had hoped so deeply that wouldn't be our fate in the adoption world.

While I know the path we have chosen can take longer, I had really hoped we would beat the odds.  We don't have the unlimited resources to use the agencies in our area, or even at the national level at that.  We've spent the money as we can, and that is all we can do.  It's so very frustrating to have finances once again play a role in keeping us from our dreams coming true.  We live comfortably and can provide for a child, we just don't have the large lump sum of money that many agencies require.  So, we wait.  And we hope that our efforts will bring us to the right woman and the right time and we will be the right match for her family.

If you'd like to help us get the word out, please feel free to share one of the following links on your blog, your facebook page, or wherever.  You can also grab our button from the top left corner of this blog.

YouTube Video Profile: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WfSB6pSXP74
Vimeo Video Profile:  https://vimeo.com/45395474
Website:  www.chrisandpatience.com
Adoptimist Profile: https://www.adoptimist.com/adoption-parent-profile/282
Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Chris-Patience-Hope-to-Adopt/188721014507827?ref=hl

As much as my heart is heavy as we near the end of 2012 with empty arms, it is also so full of joy for the amazing life we do have.  We are blessed to have good friends that love and support us in everything we do.  We both have careers that allow us to make a positive impact in the world.  I am married to my best friend in the whole world who has shown me once again this week just how lucky I am to share my life with him.  We have a good life.  And when the time comes for us to finally become parents, a child will only make our life even more full.

I leave you with a photo of Chris and our very best friends John and Miriam at their first Marathon.  Chris was so excited to be a spectator at a marathon for the first time after always being the runner.  We were able to support them all along the race, and Chris even ran the last few miles with them.  It was a wonderful experience and reminded us just how lucky we are to share our lives with people like John & Miriam.  (And it made Chris want to run this marathon next year himself... that will be number 4!)

Goodbye September

Whew... it's been a few weeks since I last updated here.  September has kicked my butt!

Things are going pretty well at work.  The principal at the elementary school that I am at 1 1/2 days a week pretty much hates me, but that's another story all together.  Thankfully I share that school with the other Tech Integration Specialist, and we both know just how crazy this woman is.  My direct supervisor is very supportive and the principal at the middle school is 110% in my court.  So, I am dealing with the little bit of crazy.  The teachers at the elementary school are also very supportive and are excited about having me there.  So, all in all, the job is going well.  I am SO happy that I moved into this position this year!

Grad school started up last weekend.  It's hard to get back into the balance of having to manage homework and class with the rest of my life.  The other TIS is taking the program with me, and we were fortunate to get into a group with two other like minded individuals.  Most of the program is online, but it is also mostly group work.  So, it has been a challenge to set up meeting times online but so far we have worked together very well.  I need to write a paper this morning as soon as I am done writing this post.  (Hey, I figured a blog post was a good writing warm up for a paper, right?!)  I was a little discouraged that there is a WIDE variety of tech skills in the group- which surprised me since this is a masters in Technology?!  It's a cohort so we'll all be together for the next 14 months.  It will be interesting for sure!

The biggest challenge in life right now is my teeth.... Let me explain. 

As a child, I had an orthodontist make a bad decision about my treatment.  My parents agreed because they just didn't know any different and trusted the expert.  I ended up losing adult teeth after the braces came off and had to have extensive work done in my late teens.  I had several root canals and finally had to have two bridges placed in the front of my mouth.  It was excruciating and traumatic.  I was told the bridges would only last 10 years and then I would probably need a full reconstruction of the top of my mouth. 

Fast forward to my adult hood... and I have avoided the dentist for decades.  It was such a traumatic experience that I have developed an EXTREME phobia.  The bridges had started to decay and become loose.  But I dealt with it, because going to the dentist was so much more intimidating.  On Friday, I bit into a sandwich and evidently swallowed one of the bridges.  My dear friends and coworkers searched through my lunch and the garbage to see if it could be recovered, but it was never found.  I had what I am sure is close to a full on panic attack.  My amazing friend Jamie called a dentist for me and even went with me to hold my hand (or leg) while I faced one of my deepest fears.  There were lots of tears and I can't even imagine what my blood pressure ended up!

After several hours, the dentist was able to come up with a temporary solution that allows me to have teeth for now.  I have lost basically all of the teeth on the top of my mouth as a result of the bridges.  He was caring and gentle and dealt with my crazy anxiety.  He even stayed late to create this piece of art that I now have in my mouth.  It is VERY temporary and I now have to jump into the restoration process with both feet.  I am REALLY not excited about this option, but feeling better now that I have walked into a dentist office and sat in the chair. 

I am in some pain this morning, but know that it will be worth it in the end.  I have to call and make an appointment with him early this week for a full exam and then he feels he will need to consult with some experts about the right course of action going forward.  There is a great deal of damage and it is going to be a tough process.  I HATE that we are going to have to spend money on this now with our adoption expenses still pending.  But I know that I HAVE to do this now. 

You would think that after several surgeries on my reproductive system the dentist wouldn't scare me... but I think it is just one more case of being out of control and having the horrible experiences in my childhood.  Please keep some good thoughts coming my way as I jump into this with both feet.

Here is my current smile thanks to the dentist's artistry...

Let's hope that it looks as good when he is all done with the permanent solution!

Cha Cha Cha Changes....

It's almost official.  The new job is MINE pending board approval on Monday.  Considering the fact that my prior position has already been posted on the district's website, I think it is safe to say the job is mine. 

I met with my principal yesterday to talk about my transition out of the classroom.  There is a part of me that is very nervous about this change... I have spent the past 11 years in the same position.  Sure, the kids changed and my scheduled changed over the years, but I was doing the same job.  I've needed this change.  It was a tough year last year and the challenging student is still a little thorn- there is a due process hearing planned for August.  I will probably still have some part of that.  Other than the student, I was feeling stale in the classroom.  I wasn't excited about teaching like I once was.

I woke up this morning excited about a new school year.  I haven't felt that way in a few years.  I am excited to start working on plans for the year.  I do feel that there are high expectations for me in this role.  That scares me a little, but also excites me.  As a type A gal, I am excited about the opportunity to prove myself again.

There is also the added bonus of NO MORE SPECIAL ED PAPERWORK!  I am so thrilled about that!  I will be involved in developing a data base for the IEP paperwork- which is fine by me.  I will be working with the Sped department in the new role, but the relief I feel about no more paperwork is unbelievable!

The biggest task in the coming weeks will be cleaning out my classroom.  I did move into this room at the start of last school year so I did quite a bit of purging last summer.  However, there is still eleven years worth of files, personal purchases, etc to clean out.  I want to leave materials for my replacement, but I also don't want him/her to feel that I left a bunch of crap for them to clean out!  One of our former swimmers is going to be a first year teacher for CPS, so I will be handing off lots of my personal materials to her.  I remember all too well about having NOTHING as a new teacher!

I am also planning to organize all of the files on my school laptop so that I can hand my replacement a flash drive.  I will also be serving as a mentor for him/her.  As much as I am ready for this change, I care deeply for the program that was my "baby" for the past eleven years!

I do have to start another grad program- or at least classes to get the certificate for this position.  While I hate to spend the resources on that now, I am honestly a little excited about taking classes and gaining knowledge in this new area.  I am hopeful that I won't need to take the full program, but will be able to take only the necessary classes to get the certificate.  Need to make some calls on Monday to get details on that.  

While I know there will be stress in this new job, I know that it won't be nearly what it was.  I am hoping that this change will not only be good for my career, it will also be good for my soul.  I am hoping that this will give me more time to create, and more time to be the wife Chris so richly deserves.  And of course, I am so very hopeful that this WILL be the year that we become parents. 

I am hoping to meet with my new supervisor next week to share with him our adoption plans so that is all on the table from the start.  This position also gives me a little more flexibility and will hopefully be easier to take a leave from.  I am so hopeful that this is just the start of some big changes in our lives!

Jellies

Thanks for all of the congratulations on my last post.  Still waiting to hear from the superintendents office for my final interview. 

Chris was in the city for a swim meet this weekend.  He called me on Saturday night and suggested I take the train down on Sunday so we could make a quick trip to the Shedd Aquarium.  I've been wanting to get in to see the Jellyfish exhibit for more than a year now.  My friend Beverly and her husband saw them when they were here in town, and I was a little jealous.  I thought I had missed my chance, but they extended their stay through the rest of the year.

Chris and I have always loved all things water- not just because he's a swim coach.  Even when we were in high school, we'd spend time at the lakefront in our hometown.  Chris grew up fishing in northern Wisconsin.  Our dream vacations have always involved the ocean.  There's just something about the water.  I hope to one day live on a body of water... for now we have to manage with a lake in our neighborhood and trips to the aquarium. 

I took the train into the city- it was pretty packed since the Taste of Chicago is going on and there was a Cubs game.  I had plenty of time so I decided to walk to the Shedd from Union Station.  This is a big leap for me- this suburban girl used to be terrified of the city.  It's amazing how a few years can change you.  It was warm- but I really enjoyed the walk.  It gave me time to think and also to take in the beauty of Chicago.  I really do love the city- there's so much to see and do!  I walked through the Taste and then along the lakefront path.  Loved the views!

The jelly exhibit was awesome.  I'm so glad we got a chance to see it.  We had to wait in a crazy long line in the heat just to get into the Shedd.  However, we had teacher vouchers so we only had to pay for the extra fee to see the Jellyfish.  (If you are an educator, or have any form of a school ID, you can get into the Shedd free of charge by filling out an online form and bringing your ID or paystub).  We had about two and a half hours to spend there- and it was just the right amount of time. 

Here are some of my favorite photos from the day:

One of my favorite views of the city- skyline over the fountain.

The bright colors in the tanks really lend to great photos!

I could have watched them move for hours!

Wish I remembered the names of these... they were pretty unusual!

Posing outside the wild reef exhibit... always trying to keep the profile fresh!

On the steps of the Shedd... our friend Karin was with us and took these photos!

Widening our Horizons

Thank you for your kind words on my last post.  Thinking of all the hopeful dads to be out there today.  Chris is off at a swim meet today.  It's called the "Father's Day Meet" so I can only imagine how hard it will be for him.  He's also battling a nasty cold right now- so please send some extra nice thoughts his way today.

We've decided to broaden our marketing a little bit this week.  We're taking a leap of faith with a newer website and company called adoptimist.com.  They have a free profile plan which we started with but we've decided to take the plunge and become premium members.  We've been happy with the support we've had so far.  Most of the families there are from states that pa.rent.profi.les won't work with.  So, I am hopeful that they will start to take off.  They are not affiliated with any agency or website and brand themselves as an adoption technology marketing firm.   They will also be working with us to develop our own go.ogle ad campaign. 

You can view our profile on their website here.

As you know, I've always been resistant to our attorney's urging to use print ads.  I am really excited about this opportunity and hopeful that we will get our information to the woman who will change our lives soon.  We had another three calls to our 888 number last month.  Chris feels we should stick with our print ads in the Thrifty Nickel papers as well, since we seem to get one call from each area we have ads.  However, nothing has come from any of these calls.  I texted our attorney again this week.  She tells me that she is sending lots of our profiles out, but we are not being chosen.  I've asked her if she is getting any feedback as to why we are not being chosen.  I haven't heard back.  I did ask her that if so many profiles are going out, she must need more soon.  We gave her 30 originally, so I'd really like to know how many she has left.  I want to trust what she tells me.  Really, I do. 

So, for now I'm  continuing to tweak our website.  I've started to tweak our paper profile too hoping that I'll get some feedback from our attorney.  I've updated some photos and used some of the feedback you all gave me on the website for the paper profile. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We have a crazy week ahead.  It's the last week of summer school... thank goodness!  Reminding myself every day that the reason I am doing this all is to help pay our attorney fees.  That's what gets me up each and every morning.  I also need to finish a few projects for a coworkers wedding on Saturday.  My good friends Abi & Dago are also getting married on Friday night.  I'm so excited for this wedding as I adore both of them and can't wait to spend the night celebrating with our coworkers.  We spent yesterday creating the placecards, favor tags, and table numbers for the wedding.  It was fun to be able to use my creative talents for such a good cause.  :) I'll be sure to share photos.

We also head to Omaha on Saturday morning for the Olympic Trials.  Like 8:30 am flight.  As of right now, the plan is that I won't sleep until we get on the plane.  We'll see.  I need to pack for 10 days away from home by Thursday since Friday will be all about the wedding.  Yikes!  Wish me luck!

Weekend Celebrations

Thank you all for your words of comfort and support.  I have another post in mind that I need to write soon, but I wanted to share a positive post first.  My goal is to have a better balance here.  My life is full of lots of amazing and wonderful things.  Sometimes I wonder what those of you who "know" me only through this blog must think.  This is the place I can say (write) things I can't anywhere else.  So, all too often, this becomes a place to vent and dwell on the struggles.  While that has always been the purpose of this blog, I also want to be able to look back once we have our miracle child and remember what our life was like- the good parts as well as the not so good parts. 

I was so blessed to be part of my good friend's bachelorette party this weekend.  Honestly, this was my very first one!  I married young, and it just wasn't as common among my group of friends as they got married.  I've been invited to a few for co-workers, but I always felt that I was too old- or we were in the middle of a treatment cycle.  At let's face it- it's really not much fun to explain why you aren't drinking at a bachelorette party.  There's so much promise and hope for the bride at that point- nobody wants to hear about what happens when you can't have your happily ever after family as planned.  So- I jumped on this chance to celebrate my good friend and coworker since I could in fact partake in ALL of the festivities.  And I sure did!  :)

Of course, two of the bridesmaids are pregnant.  As in, not even married one year and BAM, pregnant.  Thankfully that wasn't too much of the focus of the weekend.  It also helped that each bar we went to offered free shots for the party- and there were always two extra- and often I was the one who took the extra one!  :)  There was some crazy college cheerleading training camp going on at our hotel as well.  Let's just say that our little bachelorette party was rather mild compared to the parties in most of the hotel! 

We spent Saturday walking around the little town and then at the Spa.  Of course I would end up with a pregnant massage technician- but at least my eyes were closed the entire time!  LOL.  It was a good massage, but not as good as the one I had during our girls weekend at the same spa.  This is a nice spa with a whirlpool/sauna/steam room in the locker room.  So we spent lots of quality time just hanging out there. 

I left on Saturday after the spa and the party continued without me.  :)  Chris and I attended the graduation party for two of our swimmers.  We are very close to the family and it was important for us to attend.  We had a great night with our swim team family celebrating.  I continued my "festivities" from the night before.  :)  I also managed to fall down the steps while I was there- all before I had a single beverage.  I have nice bruises to show for that adventure today!

I am struggling today.  I had to get up for summer school this morning and it was a battle of the mind over the body to say the least.  Remember when we were young and you could celebrate for days and bounce right back?  I fear it is going to take me all week to recover! 

While I am dragging today, I smile every time I think about the adventures of the weekend.  My life is blessed.  Good friends and good times are abundant. 

Here is one very blurry iphone photo from the night.  It makes me smile each and every time I look at it! Our director of Special Services got married in the same town we were in.  We had to sneak a peek and this photo was taken at the fountain near her wedding venue.  It was pretty late at this point- and I am pretty amazed we looked this good!  :)

Days like this....

Today was a challenging day in my classroom.  I work as a middle school special education teacher.  Most of my students have learning disabilities, but I have one particular child who also has some emotional/behavioral issues.  His learning disabilities are so severe that he is not appropriate in our ED/BD program. 

This child has taken so much of my time this year.  He exhausts me.  His mother is somewhat involved, and sends me emails and communicates.  However, there is NO follow through at home at all.  I think the home is a little hectic from what I have learned.  We've been working with his mom and doctors to get the right medication for him.  I start feeling like we've made one step forward with his behaviors and then we end up two steps back.  Today was a five step back kind of day.  I don't want to go into details for obvious reasons, but know that I am constantly in a battle with this student about just about everything- including the need to keep your eyes open when walking around the classroom.  (He happens to be the same student that I mentioned locked himself in his own locker)

I am exhausted at the end of the day.  I worry about how I will be able to handle being a parent after doing this all day.  I ask my coworkers how they do it and they assure me that it is possible.  :)  They remind me that it is so different when they are your own children.  It is different when you have control of the environment at home and are responsible for their little lives.

We've had several people ask us why we are hoping to adopt a newborn rather than adopting from the foster care system.  Yes, I am a special education teacher and have the skill set necessary to work with a child who has emotional and learning needs.  Chris has the patience of a saint and works with all sorts of children through our swim team.  I just can't imagine coming home and having to "work" like I do all day with my students.  (And yes, I know being a parent is work- I'm using the term here to refer to the fact that my job is working with children with needs)  Yes, we could do it.  And we honestly hope to do it in the future- we really do.  But right now, it just doesn't feel like the right fit for us. 

I know this seems like a selfish choice, and trust me I feel that way about it all.  But I want to have the opportunity to raise a child from birth... a child that knows what it feels like to be loved and nurtured from the very moment they enter this world. 

So much of my day is spent "erasing" pain and learned behaviors from my students messed up home lives.  My heart aches for them when I am helping them deal with the pain that a parent has caused or they are trying to recover from years of acting out because they didn't understand how to communicate. Too many times I spend a day working through an issue with a student, only to have a new one appear the next day.  I deal with parents who are over-involved, under-involved, and just plain crazy.  There are parents who have no desire to parent.  Middle school students need parents as much- if not more- than toddlers! 

I know that parenting is hard.  I've witnessed friends struggle with making the right decisions as they parent their children.  I know that there are no guarantees in parenting, and there is always a chance a child we adopt (or give birth to) can have some special needs.

But it's days like this that make me yearn to be a parent even more.  I want to have the opportunity to come home after a long day and snuggle with my own child.   I want to know that I am doing EVERYTHING in my power to let a child know that they are loved and help them grow into an amazing person. 

Please let days like this be few and far between.  And let's hope that the day when I come home to a child of my own is very, very, soon.

Other stuff

Thank you for all of your love and support over the past week.  This is my place to dump all of my emotions so that I can carry on in my daily life.  And while infertility and my baby lust does define a big part of who I am, there is so much more to my life. So this post is all about that stuff... the "other" stuff.

I've started running again.  It's a slow start but I am really hoping to be able to run the 5k on the 4th of July.  I've walked it the last two years, and am hoping that this is the year I can finally run it.  I don't do well in heat, so this could be a crazy goal, but we'll see.  I am training using the "ease into 5k" app on my phone.  I am fortunate to have a coworker who has run with me in the past agree to train with me.  She is getting married in June, and wants to lose weight before her wedding.  She is the same coworker who went with me on my shopping trip- so we are just a good "match" for each other. Abi has been a great friend and has listened to me as we've endured the ups and downs of the last year.

I spent yesterday with Abi and a few of her bridesmads.  We got all of her wedding invitations put together.  It felt nice to be able to put my talents to use to help my friend.  I've also been working to get my etsy shop stocked again with some new card designs.  I had an idea to create Mother's Day cards for people like me and others who find Mother's day a hard day.  You can see on of them here. Hoping to get things up and running again with PB creations so that I can help offset the costs of our adoption advertising.  I've had a few orders lately, so that has helped fuel my creative soul to get things done.  I was on such a roll with things and then we learned I was pregnant and spent two months in limbo.

And that's just the hard part.  I start to feel human and get my life back and then WHAM- I end up pregnant or we have an adoption fall through.  It takes the wind out of my sails and I can't function.  I am hoping and praying that I can keep my momentum this time- no matter what.  I need to keep focus on those other things.

I'll leave this post with a photo of Chris and I on Easter.  Man, I love this guy- even if he can't handle a serious photo to save his life!

Spring Break Adventures

I've only just now had a few moments to reflect on my Spring Break adventures.  For the past two years, Chris and I have taken a fabulous tropical vacation trying to erase the pain of loss and infertility.  This year we knew that we couldn't afford to do such a trip.  Chris also needed to continue with swim team and had a meet scheduled for the end of Spring Break.  In a moment of shear inspiration, I came up with the idea to visit two of my favorite women in North Carolina at the start of break and then head to Indy to meet him and the team for the meet.   I proposed the idea to Chris who was all for it.  It meant I could renew my soul for only the cost of a plane ticket.  I booked early enough that I got a good deal on airfare, so I was able to limit my guilt at spending the money for this trip.

Before heading out on my adventure, I was fortunate to attend the wedding of my good friend Jamie's daughter.  I made the invitations for the wedding and did the placecards as well.  I'll share those in another post.  Here's the beautiful mother of the bride along with myself and another good friend, Bridget. 

The next morning I boarded the plane in Milwaukee and heading to Atlanta.  After a 3 1/2 hour layover, I was finally on my way to Jacksonville, NC.  Mandy's husband is a Marine who is stationed at the base there.  I was one of only a few non-Marines on the plane into the small airport.  She met me and we headed to dinner with one of her friends.  We then went to see Hunger Games- something we've been planning to do since I convinced her to read the books.  It was so fun to see the movie with her!

We got to her house late on Sunday night, so it was Monday before her kids were able to see me.  It was so fun to spend time with the little ones and see my close friend as such an amazing and caring mother.  We headed out to the aquarium.  It was so fun to experience the tanks and nature trail through the eyes of little ones.  Here are some of my favorite photos of the day:

Christopher had to read all the signs along the Nature Trail

A view along the Nature Trail

Probably my favorite photo- Stella and Christopher in front of the large tank in the Aquarium

I also really wanted to at least put my feet in the ocean this Spring Break.  It wasn't St. Lucia or Aruba warm, but the kids and I got in and played in the water.  I would have loved to sit on the beach with a good book and soak up some rays.  However, life with a 2 & 4 year old doesn't permit such luxuries, which was just fine by me. 

I'm in the ocean!

View of the Beach

Christopher running from the waves

My time with Mandy was short, but full of laughter and lots of long talks.  I simply adore this girl, and can't imagine how I would have gotten through the past few years without her support.  We don't see each other very often and most of our conversations are over text, but I am so thankful for her friendship.  She is an amazing mother and I hope to one day be able to have her help me transition into motherhood. 

Mandy drove me into the depths of North Carolina to meet Beverly for the hand off.  We had planned to eat lunch together, but the restaurant we planned to visit was closed and there weren't any viable options where we were at.  So, Beverly and I headed to Raleigh and Mandy made her way back to Jacksonville.  She was able to find a park to let the kids get some energy out after being cooped up in the car, though!

Beverly and I started our eating adventure with Barbecue. I've been schooled about NC barbecue before, but Beverly allowed me to eat Barbecue Chicken rather than traditional BBQ.  It was yummy, but not the sweet BBQ I am used to here in Chicago.  We made our way to her home, where her darling husband served as bartender for the evening.  The two of them made Limoncello last summer- and let me tell you- it was AMAZING.  We also had some margaritas to go along with the fajitas that Beverly made for dinner.  The margaritas didn't quite live up to the hype- but were VERY strong!  I think that Stephen is a little heavy handed as a bartender!  :)

The next day we spent talking and eating and shopping.  We had lunch at a Peruvian restaurant.  The music and atmosphere made me feel like I was on a tropical island!  I had chicken along with some Tamarind juice.  The last time I had tamarind was on St. Lucia!  We later had dinner on the balcony at a downtown restaurant.  I had SheCrab soup and chicken.  We passed on desert so that I could get the one thing I HAD to have while in North Carolina....

We used to have a few of these in Chicagoland, but they have since closed.  We can get them in our grocery stores, but it just isn't the same as a HOT FRESH NOW one right off the line.  We had to wait about 20 minutes for them to start making them again, but it was oh so worth it!

Beverly is an amazing woman who has been so much more than a friend.  She is a mentor, confidant, and the older sister I never had.  She has helped me through some of the challenges of my family and has also allowed me to talk about my issues with faith openly.  I am so very thankful to have her in my life and really wish we lived closer.  We are working on a plan to get me back to Raleigh this summer.  Beverly wrote a beautiful post about my visit on her blog.

The next morning I had to make the trip to Indy to meet Chris and our swim team.  Unfortunately, I came down with the flu.  At first I thought it was just from eating all of the new foods, but it was clear it was the flu.  It was a LONG day of flying, and I joined the mile high club- just not the good one!  Thankful for seats at the back of the plane on the aisle!

I missed most of the meet while in Indy, but Chris and I did have a chance to walk around the city on Saturday afternoon.  The kids didn't swim as well as expected, so we found ourselves with a hotel room and evening to ourselves.  We walked along the canal and saw some of the memorials along the way.  Indianapolis is a beautiful city, and I am looking forward to going back later this summer for the Junior National Meet. 

While it wasn't the Caribbean, this trip was just what I needed to heal my soul.  Spending time with these two amazing women was just what I needed.  Chris and I were able to have some time together, too.  So thankful that I had the moment of genius to plan this trip!

~~~~~~
Today also marks two months since the d&c.  We still do not have the results from the genetic testing.  I thought about calling while I was on my trip, but realized I didn't want to get that news while I was trying to heal my soul.  So, I'll call on Monday and hopefully the results are in.  I've been taking the supplements for a month now, and feeling better overall.  While I am feeling refreshed, my need to become a mother is even stronger now than it was before.  Please, please, please, let the universe finally see that we are ready to become parents.

The Year 2011- brought to you by the word Limbo!

2011 is coming to a close.  And I can't say that I am sorry to see the year go.  It wasn't as rough as 2010, but it definitely had its moments.  And way too much time in limbo land...

The major limbo- our adoption process.  We finally got through the paperwork and got our homestudy approved in May.  Then we couldn't decide which route to take for our next steps.  We finally chose our attorney and have been happy with that choice.  Each and every day is a day of limbo now- we place ads, we network, we hope, and we wait.  Our lives could change in an instant- or in months, years from now...  Really hoping that 2012 is our year.

Then there was my job.  I really adore my principal and my colleagues, but don't love my job anymore the way I used to.  I love technology and teaching others to use it in the classroom and spent lots of time last school year training other staff.  I was so very hopeful that I would be a new position this fall and spent most of the summer in limbo over that.  It wasn't until right before school started that I learned that I would in fact be returning to my same position in the classroom.  The woman that was hired for the position is not meeting the expectations of the staff, and it's been a tough fall in that department.  I had planned to start another master's program if they had placed me in the position, but we made the decision that the timing isn't right for me to do that right now.  (See above...adoption limbo!)

And then there was the surprise pregnancy and miscarriage all wrapped up in one this spring/summer.  I knew it was over even as it began, but it was a tough few days at first with little glimmers of hope.  And then it was the miscarriage that wouldn't end.  I spent months of weekly blood work waiting for the damn HCG levels to drop.  We were paralyzed from making any adoption plans as my body healed and we came to terms to yet another loss.

Which brings me to today.  We're in limbo again.  It seems I've managed to get myself a "little" pregnant again.  Yep, you read that right.  We're currently in pregnancy limbo again- again a total surprise.  I skipped the RE this time and went right to an OB, trying hard to act like a normal person- not someone who has endured all that we have.  I had two positive HPTs on December 30th and they got me in right away today.  I don't have any lab results- and won't until Tuesday.  They did an u/s and saw "something" but nothing measurable yet. The u/s tech said that everything looks promising but early.  Even though I know the date of my last AF, having PCOS- that doesn't mean a thing.  The OB is very old school, and for now that is fine with me.  He put me on progesterone and baby aspirin as an "it can't hurt" treatment.  I'm already on Fo.late.  Could I be more aggressive?  Sure- but for now this is our plan and we've made peace with it.

I go back Tuesday for repeat labs and have another u/s scheduled for Friday dependent on Tuesday's results.  We have a glimmer of hope- but we really know how this turns out for us every.single.other.time.  So if you have some hope to share, feel free to send it our way.  We have adoption ads running in local papers again this week.  I refuse to let this paralyze us again. I pray that we have some resolutions one way or another in the next week.  I know it will be touch and go for some time, but I would like to have some light to know which way this is going to end up.

Let's hope that 2012 brings us a child- one way or another.  I can't handle another year like this!

November ICLW

Welcome to my little piece of the blogosphere. 

We are officially a "waiting family" in our journey to become parents through domestic adoption.  We've been on this long winding path to parenthood for more than a decade.  We've had some serious heartbreak and can't even begin to tell you our entire bumpy road here in a single post.  If you are new here, you can see our timeline above and get the down and dirty 411. 

We are hopeful once again that we WILL become parents through the gift of adoption.  The upcoming holidays are tough ones for us as they are loaded with loss anniversaries as well as the burden of yet another year passing us by. 

I am a teacher by day, and have an especially challenging student this year.  It's made for some added stress this fall that I am not really happy about.  My husband is a swim coach and we are very close to several of our swim families.  They are more like family to us than those who we are actually blood related to. 

I have a creative side that feeds my soul, and also is helping support our adoption fund.  You can check out my etsy shop at www.virtue75.etsy.com.  It makes me happy to create, and hopefully we can help offset the high cost of adoption as well.  We depleted all of our savings with a last ditch IVF that was *almost* a success. 

I have only a two day work week- so hopefully I will be able to post more this week and get to know some new bloggers too.  I am forever grateful for Mel and the entire ALI blogging community for the support over the past several years.  I don't think I would have kept my sanity if I didn't have this amazing outlet and kind words from those who read my rambilings.

Hoping you all have a wonderful day!

Colorado is on my mind...

No, we're not heading back to CC.RM.  I really do hope we get the opportunity in the future for a sibling, but it's not in the cards for us right now. I am really, really, hopeful about our adoption plans.  I am in a good place... today.  I believe with all my heart that our baby is out there- and that we will finally be a family through the gift of adoption. 

While we were not successful at CC.RM, we were given a true love.  It seems that both Chris and I have fallen in love with the great state of Colorado.  We daydream of one day moving out there.  I'd like to at least be able to take a nice long vacation to visit all of the beauty that the state has to offer.  How many people can say that they've been to Colorado FOUR times and not witnessed much of its beauty?  I did get to take in the sunshine and the amazing landscapes- from the window of various hotel suites while on bedrest!

What brought on this longing for the great state of Colorado you might ask?

This text from my husband did:

"Wouldn't it suck to wake up to this every morning?"

You see, Chris is in the lovely state of Colorado RIGHT NOW.  Without me.  And I am a little bitter and jealous that he is out there making new memories that don't involve infertility. He's getting to experience some of the million other things that Colorado has to offer other than one of the world's greatest IVF clinics.

All joking aside, I am thrilled for him.  One of our very talented swimmers was asked to attend the National Select Camp at the Olympic Training Center in Colorado Springs.  As part of the program, they ask the coach to come with the swimmer and participate in some advanced coaching clinics.  It's an amazing opportunity for both our swimmer and Chris.  He's staying at the training center and working with the same staff that trains our Olympic team.  The food is apparently amazing too- all provided by the nutritionists/chefs employed by the OTC.  He has already learned so much and has another two days of training still to come.  He and our swimmer even got the chance to go see a few sites before the camp started on Thursday.

Our swimmer looking very serious within the Olympic Rings

So for now, I am experiencing some of the wonders of Colorado through the text messages and emails from Chris.  While there are no vacation plans in our near future due to our adoption costs, I hope to one day very soon be able to see those mountains and sunshine again with my own eyes.  I want to make some new memories of the Centennial State.  Hopefully it will be one of our first family vacations and my new memories will involve sharing our love of the state with our child.

Excitement shifted to PANIC- Update

I am starting to panic about our story being in print tomorrow.  It may even be online this afternoon.  I've shifted from excitement to panic.  Please remind me that even if we get 100+ hate emails, there could be the one email that brings us our miracle.  That's all worth it, right?

I don't want this blog linked to the article- just in case.  So I don't think I'll post a direct link- but I will give you some info to do a little search.  The local paper is called the Dail.y He.rald and the columnist who wrote our article is Bu.rt Con.stable.  I spoke to him just a few moments ago and I feel good about what he "got" from our interview.  Let's hope it's perceived that way by the general public.  There will be photos, and with a pretty uncommon first name, people will be able to connect the dots.

Ok- now off to grade papers and complete some card orders.  He's also linking my online store.  So I guess I better get that stocked too.  If only I could focus....

~~~~~~

Article is now online.  It has a photo of Chris and I and uses our last names.  It's very personal and gives lots of details.  But it is honest and respectful.  You can only see the entire article if you are a subscriber, but I was able to read it in parts around the subscriber blocker.  :)  My heart is pounding right now.  Please let this be recieved well.  Please let me not regret including our adoption contact information and a link to my etsy store.  Please let this bring more GOOD into our life than hate.

And for a little irony- The story right after ours is about the woman who ran the Chicago Marathon and gave birth right afterwards.  Awesome, huh? :)

September ICLW

It's been a few months since I participated in ICLW.  For those of you new to my blog, welcome!

I'm a teacher and an artist living in the Chicago suburbs with my spoiled lab and my swim coach husband.  Our infertility story is long but here is the nitty gritty in bullet points: 

• Started TTC in 2000
• PCOS
• 4 IVFs- and 3 FETs
• Considered "unexplained" infertility by even the top experts
• 2 miscarriages in the last year, one a "surprise" pregnancy, the other a last chance IVF at CC.RM
• We're done with Treatment (for now)
• Homestudy approved for Domestic Infant Adoption 
• Weighing our many options for marketing and agencies
• Trying to gather resources for adoption after depleting most of our savings for our final IVF.
• Hopeful that we WILL become parents through the miracle of open adoption

It's my blogoversary in a few days, so I am hoping to do a give away.  I always have ideas for posts swirling in my head, so I am hopeful that ICLW will give me the prompting to get posts actually published and out here. 

I'm always looking for adoption blogs to follow.  Please leave me a comment if you have one, or know of one that you think I should check out.

Hope you all have a wonderful day!

Ten Years

There is no shortage of reminders of what today is.  It's been covered in the media for months. 

I don't need the reminders.  I remember that day and the flow of emotions I felt.  I was forever changed that day.  I didn't lose anyone close to me that day, but I did lose a part of myself.  I remember the fear that we had been attacked on our own soil, and wondered what the future would hold for us as a country. 

I was in my second year teaching at my current school.  There were lots of whispers in those first few hours trying to carry on in the classroom without letting our students sense our fear.  Our students were old enough to understand what happened, but not old enough to really understand the weight of the events. 

In addition to all of those feelings and memories, I'll also never forget because of the timing.  You see, Chris was at our first RE giving his "sample" when the first plane hit.  It was the start of our first heavy duty IF workup that day.  In the days following, I remember wondering if we should really pursue having a child.  Did we really want to bring a child into the chaos that our world felt at that time?

We carried on.  We went through with our testing, and learned that I had PCOS.  We thought we'd get pregnant once that was under control.  We had no idea what the next 10 years had in store for us.

So each year, I remember.  Another year passes, and we are reminded of what the world felt like that day.  And the hope we started to feel as the months passed.  We had hope that we could make sense of the chaos and had hope that we would be parents. 

And yet now, America is once again in a state of chaos and division.  Chris and I have just experienced one of the toughest years in terms of infertility.  Will we ever feel that same unity as a country?  Will Chris and I ever become parents?  I hope that by next year at this time, we will be closer to finding an answer to both of those questions.

Please don't think that I am trivializing the horror of that day, and all of the lives lost. As I am writing this, I have guilt over making it "about me" It's about so much more, but this is my memory, and my story of 9-11.  We all have them. 

Finding Peace

Thank you for all of your comments on my last post.  One of the great blessings of our IF journey has been meeting each of you and sharing our lives and stories with one another.  Infertility is such an isolating disease, and yet the ALI blogging community is strong and so very supportive.

I am working on finding peace in many areas of my life.  In addition to our infertility, I have a complicated family situation.  Some issues have resurfaced in the last week, and I am working to find peace with my decisions regarding my relationships with certain family members.  I'm not going to go into details here, but I am so very thankful for the amazing friends and mentors in my life that are allowing me to be who I am.

But that's not even what this post is really about.

My good friend had her beautiful baby boy yesterday.  The friend who I talked through her first medicated IUI and who struggled to tell me that it worked. It was an awkward few weeks, but we moved past it.  She is a dear friend and truly one of my closest coworkers.  She's one of our social workers at school, and often has to provide social work to me so I don't strangle certain children! I didn't mind being around her at all- even when she was 40 weeks pregnant.  Here's the thing- being pregnant didn't define who she was.  We rarely talked about it unless I asked.  And in the last few weeks, I asked lots, and she always took the time to answer me.

I think I may have been living through her final weeks of pregnancy as a way to find peace with the fact that I many never experience pregnancy.  I wanted to absorb as much as I could with her.  She's also a really down to earth type of girl, and was willing to answer all of my questions- the things a girl who has never been pregnant might want to know but be afraid to ask.  And in the last few weeks I would joke about things that are benefits to never giving birth- things she could have done without.

I have every intention of going to visit her once she is home from the hospital.  I am excited about holding her tiny little miracle and seeing her as a mom.  I honestly didn't think I'd ever be able able to say that.  Is it possible that I am finally finding peace with all of this? (We'll see how I do when I actually make the trip to see her!)

As a final note,  this friend sent me a sweet message via FB the night before she was induced.  She wanted to let me know she was thinking of me and wanted to know where we were with our adoption process.  She asked that I keep her posted since I won't be seeing her every day for the next 12 weeks.  So, even the night before she meets her little miracle, she took the time to message me.  I don't know if she'll ever know how much that meant to me.

So maybe I really am on my way to finding peace.  Or at least I am getting good at faking it!