Another failure

So the news came on Monday afternoon... another negative.  I just don't know WHY this keeps happening to us.  We were so sure that IVF was going to be our miracle cure.  Yet, here we are once again wondering what we have done to deserve the heartache of infertility.

My heart is breaking, but yet I am so numb from this.  We have a follow up with the RE on Monday to see what went wrong.  I just want some answers, yet I know that we won't get any.  If we just knew WHY this didn't work, we might be able to make some sense of it all. 

We have decided to wait to do IVF #2 until we return from our trip in April.  In the meantime, I have to pick up all the pieces of my life.  We really put everything on hold for the past several weeks in order to give our all to making this work.  Now we have to deal with the grief as well as get everything back in order.

I am really struggling with my faith right now, as is Chris.  It's just so hard to believe...

Bleeding

I woke up this morning with some significant bleeding.  I am sad, but know that there is still some hope.  Chris is staying very positive, and the least I can do for him is to be positive for him.

I don't know how we will handle a BFN... but I am trying hard not to dwell on that.  We will know for sure on Monday when I go in for my beta.  It's going to be a long weekend.

Fear

Fear has set in.  I am so afraid that this IVF has not worked.  The first few days after the transfer I was able to keep positive.  Now I have waves of negativity and fear that this has in fact not worked.  I am trying so hard to remember that I am in fact pg in all reality, until the beta that is.  Three beautiful embryos were placed into my uterus.  All I can do is rub my tummy and hope and pray that at least one of them is still safe and sound within my womb. 

I don't think I have EVER wanted anything more than I want this now.  My emotions are so out of whack, mostly due to the progesterone.  IVF has always been our "light at the end of the tunnel" and I can't imagine the desperation I will feel if this does not work.  I have the consolation of knowing that we do have three more attempts covered by our insurance. 

I can't get the thoughts of this out of my mind.  All of my quiet moments are consumed with thoughts of this IVF and whether or not we are pregnant.  I have no idea how I am going to make it for another FULL week before we know for sure.  Usually I am fine with my quiet alone time at night while Chris is at work.  Now I am crawling out of my skin with thoughts and fears.  Every twinge in my body makes me wonder...is that our miracle slipping away?

I wish I could simply have FAITH.  I want to have faith, I really do.