Yesterday we got out the Christmas tree. Yes, we have a fake tree. It's the only way to go when you have allergies and pets in our book. We also like to have it up a long time and were never really good at watering a real tree. So a few years ago we spent the money to get a nice artificial tree. It is stored in a large bag and requires assembly each year. We always question what order the branches go in and started making notes so we remember.
As I took out the branches, I found the note we wrote last year. On it was a reminder to put the lights on as we assembled each section- a helpful little tip to help us this year. I was overcome with emotion suddenly as I read the note. I started to think about the two people that wrote that note- the Chris & Patience of a year ago. Oh what a year they had ahead of them! If I could write them a note telling them all about what the year would hold, what would they have thought? Surely they wouldn't have believed it all. They were so full of hope that I think they would have just laughed it off.
Last year I was full of hope that we would finally have our miracle by the next time we put that tree up. I can imagine us thinking that we would have our hands full this year as we put the tree up and would need all the help we could get. We were so sure that by this time we would be complete and be sharing our first Christmas as a family. I actually wrote at one point, that I really thought that it would be our last Christmas without children.
I've said that for 10 years. Some years I believed it more than others. Last year was a year I really believed it with all my heart. We got so close, but in some ways we are even farther away than we've ever been to having that child centered Christmas. I have no idea what the next year will hold. I hold little hope that we will have a child by next Christmas. Last year we had a plan. This year we are lost.
I wish I could write a note back to the Chris & Patience we were 10 years ago. I wish I could tell them what the years ahead would be like. But then I remember what it felt like to have hope. I wouldn't want to take that from them. Even the Chris & Patience of 2009 had so much hope. I do wish that the Chris & Patience of 2025 could write me a note and just tell me that it all works out in the end. I don't even need to know how, I just need to know it does. I don't have much hope left, and I just need a tiny thread to pull me through.
I fear that the holidays this year are going to be tough. I need to find a way to embrace and enjoy the season. And just maybe I will be able to leave a note to myself saying it will all be ok.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Infertility Gratitude
It's been a tough year, that's for sure. My life has taken some turns that I didn't expect. Our life today is not what I pictured last Thanksgiving for sure. Infertility has robbed me of so much, but it has also given me some things to be grateful for. So today, I am going to take the time to voice that gratitude.
First and foremost, I strongly believe that my marriage is stronger because of our infertility. While I would give just about anything for our infertility to have never been an issue, it has been a part of our marriage for the last 10 years. We've had some tough patches along the way- the miscarriage was not a piece of cake for either of us or our marriage. I've told him more than once that he deserves to be with someone who can give him a biological child. But he sticks around and reminds me that we are in this together. We've learned a great deal about each other and what is important as we've endured treatment and made decisions about next steps. I know it is cliche to say, but I do love him more today than the day I married him.
I am so very thankful for the amazing friends we have in our lives. I simply could not have endured the heartbreak of the failed IVF and miscarriage this year without each and every one of them. I made the tough decision to take a step away from my family, and these amazing people have become family to me. Infertility has shown me what relationships matter and how to be a better friend in return.
One of the true blessings in my relationship with Mandy, my best friend from high school. We've lost each other over the years, but our relationship has become very close over the past year. She has been there for me every step of the way, only a text or call between us. She lives on the other side of the country and has two adorable children who keep her very busy. While I will never know if we would have redeveloped our relationship if I wasn't infertile, I know it has brought us closer together. She has taken the time to research each treatment, test, or whatever else I was enduring. She was my lifesaver during the limbo land with the pregnancy/miscarriage. (My texts for the month were just a little high as a result!) I am forever grateful for her friendship. She has recently started her own business creating adorable dresses for little girls. Please check out her blog if you are in need of some gifts!
Probably one of the greatest gifts that infertility has given me is a greater sense of empathy for others. Unfortunately, I have been hurt by innocent comments and uncomfortable situations. I am careful about what I say and think about how someone else might feel in the situation. Sadly I have a few co-workers that have lost their spouses to illness. I am always careful about what I say about Chris and complaining about my marriage. I am sure they would give anything to have another argument with their spouse. I also NEVER ask people if they have children. I let them bring it up when meeting for the first time. I despise that question and it makes me cringe just thinking about it.
I am also thankful for the connections I have made to the world through blogging and message boards. There really aren't any real support groups for people like me, and having the support of all of you has meant the world to me. I know that I can always ask questions, vent, share joy, express grief, and so much more here on this blog and on the message boards. Finding my first message board on AOL all those years ago was the best thing I could have done. While I am sad that I have been left behind and most of those women are now parents, I know that they all wish the same for me. I don't think people really understand the human element that becomes a part of blogging. I care deeply for many women I have never met in person. I don't know anyone in "real" life who shares my story as much as many of you. For that, I am forever grateful.
I am far from being thankful for my infertility, but I am thankful for these gifts. So today, I am going to embrace that gratitude while I prepare for tomorrow's holiday.
First and foremost, I strongly believe that my marriage is stronger because of our infertility. While I would give just about anything for our infertility to have never been an issue, it has been a part of our marriage for the last 10 years. We've had some tough patches along the way- the miscarriage was not a piece of cake for either of us or our marriage. I've told him more than once that he deserves to be with someone who can give him a biological child. But he sticks around and reminds me that we are in this together. We've learned a great deal about each other and what is important as we've endured treatment and made decisions about next steps. I know it is cliche to say, but I do love him more today than the day I married him.
I am so very thankful for the amazing friends we have in our lives. I simply could not have endured the heartbreak of the failed IVF and miscarriage this year without each and every one of them. I made the tough decision to take a step away from my family, and these amazing people have become family to me. Infertility has shown me what relationships matter and how to be a better friend in return.
One of the true blessings in my relationship with Mandy, my best friend from high school. We've lost each other over the years, but our relationship has become very close over the past year. She has been there for me every step of the way, only a text or call between us. She lives on the other side of the country and has two adorable children who keep her very busy. While I will never know if we would have redeveloped our relationship if I wasn't infertile, I know it has brought us closer together. She has taken the time to research each treatment, test, or whatever else I was enduring. She was my lifesaver during the limbo land with the pregnancy/miscarriage. (My texts for the month were just a little high as a result!) I am forever grateful for her friendship. She has recently started her own business creating adorable dresses for little girls. Please check out her blog if you are in need of some gifts!
Probably one of the greatest gifts that infertility has given me is a greater sense of empathy for others. Unfortunately, I have been hurt by innocent comments and uncomfortable situations. I am careful about what I say and think about how someone else might feel in the situation. Sadly I have a few co-workers that have lost their spouses to illness. I am always careful about what I say about Chris and complaining about my marriage. I am sure they would give anything to have another argument with their spouse. I also NEVER ask people if they have children. I let them bring it up when meeting for the first time. I despise that question and it makes me cringe just thinking about it.
I am also thankful for the connections I have made to the world through blogging and message boards. There really aren't any real support groups for people like me, and having the support of all of you has meant the world to me. I know that I can always ask questions, vent, share joy, express grief, and so much more here on this blog and on the message boards. Finding my first message board on AOL all those years ago was the best thing I could have done. While I am sad that I have been left behind and most of those women are now parents, I know that they all wish the same for me. I don't think people really understand the human element that becomes a part of blogging. I care deeply for many women I have never met in person. I don't know anyone in "real" life who shares my story as much as many of you. For that, I am forever grateful.
I am far from being thankful for my infertility, but I am thankful for these gifts. So today, I am going to embrace that gratitude while I prepare for tomorrow's holiday.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
"I'm not giving up on you yet, girl"
That's the big idea I took from my call with Dr Sch today. That is a direct quote. As much as he can be described as blunt and harsh, he really has a good rapport with his patients. Most of us who find our way to him want blunt. We're over the sugar coating, drag me into another ineffective treatment. You don't get that from him. Let's be honest- CCR.M doesn't need the business. They have plenty of paying patients!
I was hoping for closure- not really
I was hoping for answers- a few.
However, I have a lot to think about. Chris wasn't able to be on the call so he just got the cliff notes version while he was at HS swim team try outs. We'll talk more tomorrow.
Bottom line- He thinks we should do it again. He is giving us a 50% chance with my eggs & my uterus. As for the miscarriage, he thinks it was the no result that implanted and was in fact not normal. (Why haven't we had a normal stick?!) He feels that one or more of the added treatments (Depot lupron, biopsy, & antihistamine protocol) was the difference between the transfer in January and the one in September. The only thing he would change is testing for clotting/immune issues with the APA and Thromobophilia panel (not sure I am even close to the spelling on that) Wishing I had done those tests before the last transfer, but we were told it wasn't necessary since we had implantation failure, not miscarriage. So now we fit that criteria.
He feels that our best bet is a gestational carrier, but definitely feels that another cycle with my uterus is worth trying. So now what?! He also feels that waiting 1-2 years to cycle (after a successful adoption!) wouldn't change my chances drastically since I am only 35. Yep, only 35. That's a change from the local clinics! He also said that we can have embryos frozen for years without them deteriorating.
I am going to have the blood tests, just so I know. I need to know if there is a known issue. I also need to have a period induced so that I can have a follow up ultrasound to make sure that all of the tissue is gone from the miscarriage. (Dr Sch called it a biochemical pregnancy- I guess that is because we never saw the heartbeat?)
So many options. I so wish that money didn't have to play a role in this all. He did say we could do the study they are doing right now that would cover meds and possibly the CCS testing. The downside is we might be in the control group & transfer without testing. Is that something to risk?
Right now, I wish we could do another cycle and freeze everything. Meanwhile, finish our homestudy and pursue adoption before transferring any of the embryos. However, both options will cost at least $40,000 combined. And our money tree has run dry.
I am interested to hear what some of you think. Please be kind, though!
I was hoping for closure- not really
I was hoping for answers- a few.
However, I have a lot to think about. Chris wasn't able to be on the call so he just got the cliff notes version while he was at HS swim team try outs. We'll talk more tomorrow.
Bottom line- He thinks we should do it again. He is giving us a 50% chance with my eggs & my uterus. As for the miscarriage, he thinks it was the no result that implanted and was in fact not normal. (Why haven't we had a normal stick?!) He feels that one or more of the added treatments (Depot lupron, biopsy, & antihistamine protocol) was the difference between the transfer in January and the one in September. The only thing he would change is testing for clotting/immune issues with the APA and Thromobophilia panel (not sure I am even close to the spelling on that) Wishing I had done those tests before the last transfer, but we were told it wasn't necessary since we had implantation failure, not miscarriage. So now we fit that criteria.
He feels that our best bet is a gestational carrier, but definitely feels that another cycle with my uterus is worth trying. So now what?! He also feels that waiting 1-2 years to cycle (after a successful adoption!) wouldn't change my chances drastically since I am only 35. Yep, only 35. That's a change from the local clinics! He also said that we can have embryos frozen for years without them deteriorating.
I am going to have the blood tests, just so I know. I need to know if there is a known issue. I also need to have a period induced so that I can have a follow up ultrasound to make sure that all of the tissue is gone from the miscarriage. (Dr Sch called it a biochemical pregnancy- I guess that is because we never saw the heartbeat?)
So many options. I so wish that money didn't have to play a role in this all. He did say we could do the study they are doing right now that would cover meds and possibly the CCS testing. The downside is we might be in the control group & transfer without testing. Is that something to risk?
Right now, I wish we could do another cycle and freeze everything. Meanwhile, finish our homestudy and pursue adoption before transferring any of the embryos. However, both options will cost at least $40,000 combined. And our money tree has run dry.
I am interested to hear what some of you think. Please be kind, though!
Monday, November 22, 2010
The Dumpter is Gone!
You might wonder what in the world I am talking about if you are new to my blog. Let me explain.
We have just finished some major repairs/renovations on our home after a nasty storm in June. The contractors delivered a giant dumpster before they even started work. It arrived during my 2ww after our FET. I remember seeing Chris run past it as I told him the news that we finally had our positive beta. It's been an eyesore ever since.
Work finished on the exterior of our home two weeks ago. We've been hoping that this dumpster would also be leaving. Unfortunately, the contractor overfilled it and the garbage company refused to haul it away- twice! Finally on Saturday the contractor sent someone out to take out the excess and the dumpster was hauled away this morning.
I know this will sound hokey, but I felt like that damn dumpster was symbolic of my grief from our miscarriage. It just sat there in the driveway, making it difficult for me to maneuver out each morning. I sometimes forgot it was there, but then I looked out the window and saw the monstrosity staring back at me. The repairs were done but we couldn't really appreciate the big picture because the damn thing was blocking the view. While it is now gone, there are marks from where it sat that will be there forever.
I could really say all the same things about my grief. It's been tough to get through some days- life just seems so mundane when you've endured a miscarriage after 10 years of infertility. And just when I realize I haven't thought about it in awhile, the pain comes crashing back. While I feel we really are moving in the direction of parenthood through adoption, it's hard to see the big picture. I have now felt what it meant to be pregnant, to have my body change. I am working on letting that go in the hopes I can move forward toward loving a child born of my heart. There will always be scars from this miscarriage as well as the struggles over the past 10 years. I am forever changed.
Now it is time to recognize that the dumpster is gone. It's time to move forward and close a chapter of our lives. We're talking with my RE tomorrow and hoping to find some closure. My heart still wishes we were able to try again, just one more time. But how many "one more times" is enough? How do we know? I so wish we could pursue both right now- one more IVF and adoption. I don't want to have any regrets. Unfortunately, that isn't financially possible. Chris mentioned that if the RE had a study or something we could get the IVF at a reduced rate, he might consider it. Since I am a worse case scenario, I am sure I am out of any study options.
While I am not ready to move on from our grief or our infertility completely, tonight I am going to celebrate. Celebrate that the damn dumpster is finally gone.
We have just finished some major repairs/renovations on our home after a nasty storm in June. The contractors delivered a giant dumpster before they even started work. It arrived during my 2ww after our FET. I remember seeing Chris run past it as I told him the news that we finally had our positive beta. It's been an eyesore ever since.
Work finished on the exterior of our home two weeks ago. We've been hoping that this dumpster would also be leaving. Unfortunately, the contractor overfilled it and the garbage company refused to haul it away- twice! Finally on Saturday the contractor sent someone out to take out the excess and the dumpster was hauled away this morning.
I know this will sound hokey, but I felt like that damn dumpster was symbolic of my grief from our miscarriage. It just sat there in the driveway, making it difficult for me to maneuver out each morning. I sometimes forgot it was there, but then I looked out the window and saw the monstrosity staring back at me. The repairs were done but we couldn't really appreciate the big picture because the damn thing was blocking the view. While it is now gone, there are marks from where it sat that will be there forever.
I could really say all the same things about my grief. It's been tough to get through some days- life just seems so mundane when you've endured a miscarriage after 10 years of infertility. And just when I realize I haven't thought about it in awhile, the pain comes crashing back. While I feel we really are moving in the direction of parenthood through adoption, it's hard to see the big picture. I have now felt what it meant to be pregnant, to have my body change. I am working on letting that go in the hopes I can move forward toward loving a child born of my heart. There will always be scars from this miscarriage as well as the struggles over the past 10 years. I am forever changed.
Now it is time to recognize that the dumpster is gone. It's time to move forward and close a chapter of our lives. We're talking with my RE tomorrow and hoping to find some closure. My heart still wishes we were able to try again, just one more time. But how many "one more times" is enough? How do we know? I so wish we could pursue both right now- one more IVF and adoption. I don't want to have any regrets. Unfortunately, that isn't financially possible. Chris mentioned that if the RE had a study or something we could get the IVF at a reduced rate, he might consider it. Since I am a worse case scenario, I am sure I am out of any study options.
While I am not ready to move on from our grief or our infertility completely, tonight I am going to celebrate. Celebrate that the damn dumpster is finally gone.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
November ICLW
Welcome to my little piece of the blogosphere.
Our story is long and treacherous, but we are hopeful we will someday find our missing piece. We've recently started down the path of domestic adoption after more than 10 years of infertility. After 4 fresh IVF cycles and 3 FETs, we finally got our positive only to miscarry at 5w4d last month. We're still healing and will finally have our WTF appointment with our RE on Tuesday. We are hoping to get some closure or at least some answers with this appointment.
We've also been dealing with repairs to our home from a storm in June. We are hoping that everything will be done this week. It's been a long process, but we've improved our home and are excited to put in all of the finishing touches. I am a creative person and have been without my studio for the last 5 months. I am just moving back in this weekend and excited to have my space back.
I am so grateful for the blogging community. It's been a tough year, and I have made some close "virtual" friends through it all. Knowing that I am not alone has allowed me to get through some of the toughest days.
I love comments and try hard to return the blog love.
Thanks for stopping by!
Our story is long and treacherous, but we are hopeful we will someday find our missing piece. We've recently started down the path of domestic adoption after more than 10 years of infertility. After 4 fresh IVF cycles and 3 FETs, we finally got our positive only to miscarry at 5w4d last month. We're still healing and will finally have our WTF appointment with our RE on Tuesday. We are hoping to get some closure or at least some answers with this appointment.
We've also been dealing with repairs to our home from a storm in June. We are hoping that everything will be done this week. It's been a long process, but we've improved our home and are excited to put in all of the finishing touches. I am a creative person and have been without my studio for the last 5 months. I am just moving back in this weekend and excited to have my space back.
I am so grateful for the blogging community. It's been a tough year, and I have made some close "virtual" friends through it all. Knowing that I am not alone has allowed me to get through some of the toughest days.
I love comments and try hard to return the blog love.
Thanks for stopping by!
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Postal
I took a big step yesterday.
I mailed the application to the adoption agency along with a non-refundable fee of $300.
Now some of you might not see this as a big step, but for me it felt as if I was taking a giant leap for mankind, or womankind, or maybe just this one infertile girl.
I took it to the post office myself and handed it over to the postal worker. I needed to know that it was really on its way.
Am I 100% ready for this. Not even close. My appointment with my therapist assured me that this is ok. I don't have to be 100% at this point. I think I need to have some more closure that I hope will come when I speak to Dr Sch next week.
I have been playing phone tag with the nurses at CC.RM all week. My nurse is out and my back-up nurse hasn't been in when I have called. Another nice nurse called this afternoon and I nicely told her that I would prefer that nurse #2 call me tomorrow so I don't have to go through my whole story. I just didn't want to have to tell my pathetic story.
No sign of AF, either. Haven't POAS- don't think I can stand to see one line, even though that would really be a good thing right now. I am finally digging myself out of the hole that I was in last week, and I fear that seeing that one line would cause me to lose my grip.
Having dinner tomorrow night with a coworker who adopted her daughter 4 years ago and is currently in the process of adopting again. I hope that she can answer some of my nagging questions and help me prepare for the home study process. I admire her a great deal and am really looking forward to spending the time with her.
Postal Application.... we've taken the new route and hopefully this path will lead us to our missing piece. Can I really muster up enough hope to endure the process? Does anyone have any extra hope to send my way?
I mailed the application to the adoption agency along with a non-refundable fee of $300.
Now some of you might not see this as a big step, but for me it felt as if I was taking a giant leap for mankind, or womankind, or maybe just this one infertile girl.
I took it to the post office myself and handed it over to the postal worker. I needed to know that it was really on its way.
Am I 100% ready for this. Not even close. My appointment with my therapist assured me that this is ok. I don't have to be 100% at this point. I think I need to have some more closure that I hope will come when I speak to Dr Sch next week.
I have been playing phone tag with the nurses at CC.RM all week. My nurse is out and my back-up nurse hasn't been in when I have called. Another nice nurse called this afternoon and I nicely told her that I would prefer that nurse #2 call me tomorrow so I don't have to go through my whole story. I just didn't want to have to tell my pathetic story.
No sign of AF, either. Haven't POAS- don't think I can stand to see one line, even though that would really be a good thing right now. I am finally digging myself out of the hole that I was in last week, and I fear that seeing that one line would cause me to lose my grip.
Having dinner tomorrow night with a coworker who adopted her daughter 4 years ago and is currently in the process of adopting again. I hope that she can answer some of my nagging questions and help me prepare for the home study process. I admire her a great deal and am really looking forward to spending the time with her.
Postal Application.... we've taken the new route and hopefully this path will lead us to our missing piece. Can I really muster up enough hope to endure the process? Does anyone have any extra hope to send my way?
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Once again waiting for AF
I feel like I have spent half of the last 10 years waiting for AF to show. Sometimes I wanted her to come, and other times I dreaded her arrival. Once again I am waiting for her to show her ugly face.
I called my beloved nurse today and left a message. She told me to call sometime around 30 days after I stopped all meds if AF didn't show on her own.
It's been 37 days.
Am I surprised? Not one bit.
I had a message from a nurse I have never spoken to because both my nurse and my "back-up" nurse are off today. Nurse #2 is supposed to be in tomorrow. I didn't want to go through my whole story with someone new, so I decided I will just call back tomorrow. What's one more day at this point?
Here is the crazy part... I find myself actually fantasizing that I am in fact pregnant again. Like that is the reason that AF hasn't shown. You would think that after almost a DECADE of infertility, I wouldn't still have such silly little fantasies. But then I start thinking, I've never been that pregnant before, maybe my body has it all figured out now.
So I will POAS tomorrow. Not because I think my fantasy will come true, but because I know that the nurse will ask. I still have one left from last month. This way I can use it up and not have any of them left in the house at all.
In all reality, I am sure my hormones are just all out of whack and that it is going to take some medical intervention to bring on AF. A miscarriage and PCOS? Sounds like the perfect cocktail for the never ending cycle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In non-infertility news, the house repairs are almost done. We just need gutters and the exterior will be finished. I smile each time I pull into the driveway and see the yellow siding. (I grumble a little when I pull in next to the dumpster that the contractors have yet to remove) I came home today and Chris had finished some of the painting repairs from the water damage inside. I decided to go bold and chose a deep purple for one wall. I LOVE it. I will feel so much better once my house is somewhat put back together. It will be nice to have one part of the chaos under control.
I called my beloved nurse today and left a message. She told me to call sometime around 30 days after I stopped all meds if AF didn't show on her own.
It's been 37 days.
Am I surprised? Not one bit.
I had a message from a nurse I have never spoken to because both my nurse and my "back-up" nurse are off today. Nurse #2 is supposed to be in tomorrow. I didn't want to go through my whole story with someone new, so I decided I will just call back tomorrow. What's one more day at this point?
Here is the crazy part... I find myself actually fantasizing that I am in fact pregnant again. Like that is the reason that AF hasn't shown. You would think that after almost a DECADE of infertility, I wouldn't still have such silly little fantasies. But then I start thinking, I've never been that pregnant before, maybe my body has it all figured out now.
So I will POAS tomorrow. Not because I think my fantasy will come true, but because I know that the nurse will ask. I still have one left from last month. This way I can use it up and not have any of them left in the house at all.
In all reality, I am sure my hormones are just all out of whack and that it is going to take some medical intervention to bring on AF. A miscarriage and PCOS? Sounds like the perfect cocktail for the never ending cycle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In non-infertility news, the house repairs are almost done. We just need gutters and the exterior will be finished. I smile each time I pull into the driveway and see the yellow siding. (I grumble a little when I pull in next to the dumpster that the contractors have yet to remove) I came home today and Chris had finished some of the painting repairs from the water damage inside. I decided to go bold and chose a deep purple for one wall. I LOVE it. I will feel so much better once my house is somewhat put back together. It will be nice to have one part of the chaos under control.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Coming to terms
I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I might just be a tad depressed. I am hoping that PMS is partially to blame, or at least hormone fluctuations. I seem to get teary several times a day about things. I hope that I will be able to manage this over the next few days and be on my way back "up"
I have to spend all day tomorrow at a meeting/inservice for the special education teachers for the district. REALLY not looking forward to it. These are always intense and I am pretty sure I am going to get my hands slapped about some assessments that I am behind on. With my current emotional state, that might be the recipe for disaster. We'll see.
On a bright note, the siding is ALL DONE! We just need to have one more window replaced and the gutters installed and everything is done. Chris has been working on repairs on the inside as well. I am hopeful that we will have all of the storm related repairs will be done by Thanksgiving. Hopefully I can get my studio put back together by then too. I need to pick a paint color for the wall that goes up the stairs to the studio. I am leaning towards a bold color. I stopped and got some paint samples.
We've filled out most of the adoption application. Chris and I need to fill out a few questions together. I am hoping we can do that tonight. We are still not in "sync" and I feel that he still needs to have his breakdown about all of this. I don't think he has allowed himself to grieve yet, and is just keeping it all bottled up. I think that is why he is so focused on "moving on" because he doesn't want to think about what the last year, and especially the last month has held for us.
With the time change, it is now pitch black by 5:00 every night. That's not helping my mood much, either. I feel like I should be getting ready for bed, and I haven't even started dinner yet! I do love the fact that I am driving to work in the daylight, but know that won't last much longer, either!
I have lots of thoughts swirling in my head for blog posts I want to write and hope to get some of them out soon. My heart is breaking for some of my fellow IF vets who have experienced losses and negatives in the past week. It's just not fair. These women have endured so much and put so much into their cycles. I am thankful for the support of the blogging community and knowing that I am not alone in this struggle.
I have to spend all day tomorrow at a meeting/inservice for the special education teachers for the district. REALLY not looking forward to it. These are always intense and I am pretty sure I am going to get my hands slapped about some assessments that I am behind on. With my current emotional state, that might be the recipe for disaster. We'll see.
On a bright note, the siding is ALL DONE! We just need to have one more window replaced and the gutters installed and everything is done. Chris has been working on repairs on the inside as well. I am hopeful that we will have all of the storm related repairs will be done by Thanksgiving. Hopefully I can get my studio put back together by then too. I need to pick a paint color for the wall that goes up the stairs to the studio. I am leaning towards a bold color. I stopped and got some paint samples.
We've filled out most of the adoption application. Chris and I need to fill out a few questions together. I am hoping we can do that tonight. We are still not in "sync" and I feel that he still needs to have his breakdown about all of this. I don't think he has allowed himself to grieve yet, and is just keeping it all bottled up. I think that is why he is so focused on "moving on" because he doesn't want to think about what the last year, and especially the last month has held for us.
With the time change, it is now pitch black by 5:00 every night. That's not helping my mood much, either. I feel like I should be getting ready for bed, and I haven't even started dinner yet! I do love the fact that I am driving to work in the daylight, but know that won't last much longer, either!
I have lots of thoughts swirling in my head for blog posts I want to write and hope to get some of them out soon. My heart is breaking for some of my fellow IF vets who have experienced losses and negatives in the past week. It's just not fair. These women have endured so much and put so much into their cycles. I am thankful for the support of the blogging community and knowing that I am not alone in this struggle.
Monday, November 8, 2010
One step forward, two steps back
So much for feeling normal again. I did feel pretty "ok" over the weekend for the most part.
Today I met with my therapist. She said the "D" word to me... she thinks I might be depressed. While I know many of you might be saying, "Duh," I was really thinking that I had a handle on things. Due to my family history of mental health issues, I get nervous when people start talking about depression. I have fought hard to stay out of that path even with all of the crap the universe has thrown at me. I did spend some time in the land of depression a few years ago, and I don't want to go back. However, I know that this is situational for me, and not a chronic issue as it is for my family members. I have to keep reminding myself of that.
She also feels that I might just be hitting the "rock bottom" at this point and that things are going to get better from here. I just have so many unresolved feelings about the miscarriage and moving forward. I have a great deal of anger about the recent turn of events and the obstacles that are ahead of us as we move forward into the adoption world. Right now, I feel like I am just going through the motions of daily life. I know this is all to be expected, but I really thought I had control. But really, do any of us have any control?
Just reading the adoption application has opened some old wounds. As a veteran of the infertility world, I have spent years trying to become a parent. And time and time again I have been knocked down. You feel like the universe is trying to tell you that you are not meant to be a parent. And then you start down the adoption road, and every step of the way you are forced to prove that you are meant to be a parent. In my heart, I know that Chris and I are meant to be parents. My head is having a hard time wrapping around the idea. And if my head is having a hard time, how am I supposed to prove that we are going to be good parents and deserve the right to parent? It's a hard shift to make. If any of you are reading and can help me make this shift, I would be grateful.
Thank you all for your kind words. There are days that I feel that no one understands where I am coming from. Knowing that there are people out there that have been in my shoes makes it easier to take steps forward.
In house news, the siding guys didn't come today. There is ONLY ONE SIDE LEFT. Can't just one thing fall into place? Hoping that they come tomorrow and that we can finally have one part of our life under control.
Today I met with my therapist. She said the "D" word to me... she thinks I might be depressed. While I know many of you might be saying, "Duh," I was really thinking that I had a handle on things. Due to my family history of mental health issues, I get nervous when people start talking about depression. I have fought hard to stay out of that path even with all of the crap the universe has thrown at me. I did spend some time in the land of depression a few years ago, and I don't want to go back. However, I know that this is situational for me, and not a chronic issue as it is for my family members. I have to keep reminding myself of that.
She also feels that I might just be hitting the "rock bottom" at this point and that things are going to get better from here. I just have so many unresolved feelings about the miscarriage and moving forward. I have a great deal of anger about the recent turn of events and the obstacles that are ahead of us as we move forward into the adoption world. Right now, I feel like I am just going through the motions of daily life. I know this is all to be expected, but I really thought I had control. But really, do any of us have any control?
Just reading the adoption application has opened some old wounds. As a veteran of the infertility world, I have spent years trying to become a parent. And time and time again I have been knocked down. You feel like the universe is trying to tell you that you are not meant to be a parent. And then you start down the adoption road, and every step of the way you are forced to prove that you are meant to be a parent. In my heart, I know that Chris and I are meant to be parents. My head is having a hard time wrapping around the idea. And if my head is having a hard time, how am I supposed to prove that we are going to be good parents and deserve the right to parent? It's a hard shift to make. If any of you are reading and can help me make this shift, I would be grateful.
Thank you all for your kind words. There are days that I feel that no one understands where I am coming from. Knowing that there are people out there that have been in my shoes makes it easier to take steps forward.
In house news, the siding guys didn't come today. There is ONLY ONE SIDE LEFT. Can't just one thing fall into place? Hoping that they come tomorrow and that we can finally have one part of our life under control.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
One month
It's been one month since my life was turned upside down.
If things had gone differently, I would be at 10 weeks today.
I think I am starting to heal. I only tear up a few times a day, and usually when talking to someone about the miscarriage or something related to moving forward. I was treated to an awesome pedicure yesterday with a good friend. It was nice to go out and do something normal. She and I hadn't seen each other since the miscarriage, and it was nice to talk about it with her. She is a parent from our swim team who has dealt with her own infertility back when IVF was in its early stages. She and her husband have been so very supportive of Chris professionally as well as personally. We are so lucky to have such good people in our lives who understand and support us. We don't have that in our families, so we are so grateful for people like Barb and her family.
I've spent the last two days creating some thank you cards for those who have been so kind to us. It feels good to be creative. It is such an important part of who I am and is critical for my mental well being. I haven't taken any time to be creative since the miscarriage. I am starting to feel a little human again. It will be even better once we can get my studio back together. I hope that will be soon since we are on the final steps of the outside repairs.
We received the application from the adoption agency in the mail Friday. I haven't started filling it out just yet. It is overwhelming and frustrating to see in black and white all the hoops we have to go through just to start the process. I've started reading the book "Adopting after Infertility." It has been OK, but is definitely a little outdated. I also feel that I need to have the follow up with Dr Sch to completely close the treatment door. However, filling out the application doesn't commit us to moving in that path. Worst case- we send it in (along with the $300 fee) and we don't move forward and lose the money. After spending more than $20,000 in the last 18 months with nothing to show for it, what's another $300?
If things had gone differently, I would be at 10 weeks today.
I think I am starting to heal. I only tear up a few times a day, and usually when talking to someone about the miscarriage or something related to moving forward. I was treated to an awesome pedicure yesterday with a good friend. It was nice to go out and do something normal. She and I hadn't seen each other since the miscarriage, and it was nice to talk about it with her. She is a parent from our swim team who has dealt with her own infertility back when IVF was in its early stages. She and her husband have been so very supportive of Chris professionally as well as personally. We are so lucky to have such good people in our lives who understand and support us. We don't have that in our families, so we are so grateful for people like Barb and her family.
I've spent the last two days creating some thank you cards for those who have been so kind to us. It feels good to be creative. It is such an important part of who I am and is critical for my mental well being. I haven't taken any time to be creative since the miscarriage. I am starting to feel a little human again. It will be even better once we can get my studio back together. I hope that will be soon since we are on the final steps of the outside repairs.
We received the application from the adoption agency in the mail Friday. I haven't started filling it out just yet. It is overwhelming and frustrating to see in black and white all the hoops we have to go through just to start the process. I've started reading the book "Adopting after Infertility." It has been OK, but is definitely a little outdated. I also feel that I need to have the follow up with Dr Sch to completely close the treatment door. However, filling out the application doesn't commit us to moving in that path. Worst case- we send it in (along with the $300 fee) and we don't move forward and lose the money. After spending more than $20,000 in the last 18 months with nothing to show for it, what's another $300?
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Progress on the House...
After my angry post yesterday, I thought I would follow up with a more positive one.
They finished two sides of the house with the new yellow siding. It sure makes me happy!
Here is the front as it was tonight.... (there is still more to do, like the light and the gutters... and the siding on the second story)
You can see the corner of the GIANT dumpster at the right edge of the photo. Boy, will I be glad when it is GONE! The front door is new as well, and I love the scrolled doorknob we installed.
Here is one of the side of the house. This is the side that took most of the damage from the storm when a chimney that used to live between the two smaller windows came crashing down. It was a non-functional chimney that was probably used to heat the home in years past.
And just to add more things that make me happy...
Here are my two geriatric pets snuggling together. Both of them are not in great health, and I know that we are going to have to make some tough decisions. For now, I am just going to enjoy moments like this one.
And then there is Romeo. I was trying to carry in groceries and he really wanted to play. He pulled this "stick" out of the bushes next to our house. He really thought I was going to play fetch with it. (Please ignore the state of my yard. Construction + Dogs = muddy mess of a yard!)
Chris did talk to the adoption agency today and they are sending out the information packet. It's a small step.
Hope you are all having a good night.
They finished two sides of the house with the new yellow siding. It sure makes me happy!
Here is the front as it was tonight.... (there is still more to do, like the light and the gutters... and the siding on the second story)
You can see the corner of the GIANT dumpster at the right edge of the photo. Boy, will I be glad when it is GONE! The front door is new as well, and I love the scrolled doorknob we installed.Here is one of the side of the house. This is the side that took most of the damage from the storm when a chimney that used to live between the two smaller windows came crashing down. It was a non-functional chimney that was probably used to heat the home in years past.
And just to add more things that make me happy...
Here are my two geriatric pets snuggling together. Both of them are not in great health, and I know that we are going to have to make some tough decisions. For now, I am just going to enjoy moments like this one.
And then there is Romeo. I was trying to carry in groceries and he really wanted to play. He pulled this "stick" out of the bushes next to our house. He really thought I was going to play fetch with it. (Please ignore the state of my yard. Construction + Dogs = muddy mess of a yard!)
Chris did talk to the adoption agency today and they are sending out the information packet. It's a small step.
Hope you are all having a good night.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Phone Calls & PMS
I finally made some phone calls today.
The first was to the business office at CC.RM. While I adore just about everything about the office and the staff- the business office leaves a little to be desired. I won't go into details, but there is some confusion about a credit that I had and now don't have. (It was applied already...?!) We were told one thing when we met with them last year, and are now getting different information now. It's adding frustration where I really don't need it right now.
Then I transferred to make an appointment for our phone regroup with Dr Sch. The earliest available is November 23rd.... I started with explaining that I had a miscarriage, thinking that would at least get me some sympathy with the woman. No such luck. Then she proceeded to tell me that the charge would be $180. Really? My nurse assured me that there was NO CHARGE since I had a miscarriage. I told this to the woman repeatedly, having to say the word miscarriage over and over. You would have thought I would have at least gotten an "I'm sorry." Nope. She put me on hold for about 10 minutes and then came back to tell me that she would in fact make a note that there was no charge, but she had to talk with a supervisor before she could do that. (Thus the reason I was put on hold for so long?!) I realize that they see lots of people there, and this was probably just a receptionist, but really? How about some compassion for someone who has had an epic failure at your clinic?
She then proceeded to tell me that I needed to fill out a medical update form in order to speak with the Dr since it had been more than 2 weeks since I last talked to him. Really? She said she would email it to me.
Guess what the first question was?
Have you had any pregnancies, deliveries, or losses since you last were at CC.RM?
Um, yep. It happened as a result of my last visit to CC.RM. Does that count?
It goes on to ask about my social and sexual habits. Really? Not much of either of those since I miscarried three and a half weeks ago. Thank you very much.
I forwarded it to my nurse, who is off today and tomorrow, but I know she will get back to me. I asked if I really needed to fill this out. It is not as if I have been off having a grand old time since I was last at CC.RM.
On top of this, I think I am seriously PMSing. Which I suppose is a good thing, because it has been 21 days since I stopped all meds. Could I possibly have a normal cycle right off the miscarriage? I had some spotting yesterday, but nothing today. I felt a little crampy a few times today too. I have been told to expect a horrible period. Isn't that a nice little added bonus to a miscarriage? As you might have guessed by reading this far, I am a tad crabby as a result.
I also made a call to the agency we started our home study with in 2007. We never finished the process as the placement went south before we could. I left a message for someone to call me. It's a step I suppose.
On a bright note, we finally have siding starting to go up on the side of the house. We had major storm damage last JUNE and thanks to delays by insurance and our contractor, we are just now getting things finally done. It is a nice soft buttercream yellow, and it does make me happy to see it. Only part of one side is done, but I hope that the front will be done tomorrow. It will be nice to pull into the driveway and see the finished project. It will also be nice to have the giant dumpster out of the driveway, too! Let's hope the entire house is done before it snows... which really could happen any time now.
Rant over...
The first was to the business office at CC.RM. While I adore just about everything about the office and the staff- the business office leaves a little to be desired. I won't go into details, but there is some confusion about a credit that I had and now don't have. (It was applied already...?!) We were told one thing when we met with them last year, and are now getting different information now. It's adding frustration where I really don't need it right now.
Then I transferred to make an appointment for our phone regroup with Dr Sch. The earliest available is November 23rd.... I started with explaining that I had a miscarriage, thinking that would at least get me some sympathy with the woman. No such luck. Then she proceeded to tell me that the charge would be $180. Really? My nurse assured me that there was NO CHARGE since I had a miscarriage. I told this to the woman repeatedly, having to say the word miscarriage over and over. You would have thought I would have at least gotten an "I'm sorry." Nope. She put me on hold for about 10 minutes and then came back to tell me that she would in fact make a note that there was no charge, but she had to talk with a supervisor before she could do that. (Thus the reason I was put on hold for so long?!) I realize that they see lots of people there, and this was probably just a receptionist, but really? How about some compassion for someone who has had an epic failure at your clinic?
She then proceeded to tell me that I needed to fill out a medical update form in order to speak with the Dr since it had been more than 2 weeks since I last talked to him. Really? She said she would email it to me.
Guess what the first question was?
Have you had any pregnancies, deliveries, or losses since you last were at CC.RM?
Um, yep. It happened as a result of my last visit to CC.RM. Does that count?
It goes on to ask about my social and sexual habits. Really? Not much of either of those since I miscarried three and a half weeks ago. Thank you very much.
I forwarded it to my nurse, who is off today and tomorrow, but I know she will get back to me. I asked if I really needed to fill this out. It is not as if I have been off having a grand old time since I was last at CC.RM.
On top of this, I think I am seriously PMSing. Which I suppose is a good thing, because it has been 21 days since I stopped all meds. Could I possibly have a normal cycle right off the miscarriage? I had some spotting yesterday, but nothing today. I felt a little crampy a few times today too. I have been told to expect a horrible period. Isn't that a nice little added bonus to a miscarriage? As you might have guessed by reading this far, I am a tad crabby as a result.
I also made a call to the agency we started our home study with in 2007. We never finished the process as the placement went south before we could. I left a message for someone to call me. It's a step I suppose.
On a bright note, we finally have siding starting to go up on the side of the house. We had major storm damage last JUNE and thanks to delays by insurance and our contractor, we are just now getting things finally done. It is a nice soft buttercream yellow, and it does make me happy to see it. Only part of one side is done, but I hope that the front will be done tomorrow. It will be nice to pull into the driveway and see the finished project. It will also be nice to have the giant dumpster out of the driveway, too! Let's hope the entire house is done before it snows... which really could happen any time now.
Rant over...
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