Goodbye September

Whew... it's been a few weeks since I last updated here.  September has kicked my butt!

Things are going pretty well at work.  The principal at the elementary school that I am at 1 1/2 days a week pretty much hates me, but that's another story all together.  Thankfully I share that school with the other Tech Integration Specialist, and we both know just how crazy this woman is.  My direct supervisor is very supportive and the principal at the middle school is 110% in my court.  So, I am dealing with the little bit of crazy.  The teachers at the elementary school are also very supportive and are excited about having me there.  So, all in all, the job is going well.  I am SO happy that I moved into this position this year!

Grad school started up last weekend.  It's hard to get back into the balance of having to manage homework and class with the rest of my life.  The other TIS is taking the program with me, and we were fortunate to get into a group with two other like minded individuals.  Most of the program is online, but it is also mostly group work.  So, it has been a challenge to set up meeting times online but so far we have worked together very well.  I need to write a paper this morning as soon as I am done writing this post.  (Hey, I figured a blog post was a good writing warm up for a paper, right?!)  I was a little discouraged that there is a WIDE variety of tech skills in the group- which surprised me since this is a masters in Technology?!  It's a cohort so we'll all be together for the next 14 months.  It will be interesting for sure!

The biggest challenge in life right now is my teeth.... Let me explain. 

As a child, I had an orthodontist make a bad decision about my treatment.  My parents agreed because they just didn't know any different and trusted the expert.  I ended up losing adult teeth after the braces came off and had to have extensive work done in my late teens.  I had several root canals and finally had to have two bridges placed in the front of my mouth.  It was excruciating and traumatic.  I was told the bridges would only last 10 years and then I would probably need a full reconstruction of the top of my mouth. 

Fast forward to my adult hood... and I have avoided the dentist for decades.  It was such a traumatic experience that I have developed an EXTREME phobia.  The bridges had started to decay and become loose.  But I dealt with it, because going to the dentist was so much more intimidating.  On Friday, I bit into a sandwich and evidently swallowed one of the bridges.  My dear friends and coworkers searched through my lunch and the garbage to see if it could be recovered, but it was never found.  I had what I am sure is close to a full on panic attack.  My amazing friend Jamie called a dentist for me and even went with me to hold my hand (or leg) while I faced one of my deepest fears.  There were lots of tears and I can't even imagine what my blood pressure ended up!

After several hours, the dentist was able to come up with a temporary solution that allows me to have teeth for now.  I have lost basically all of the teeth on the top of my mouth as a result of the bridges.  He was caring and gentle and dealt with my crazy anxiety.  He even stayed late to create this piece of art that I now have in my mouth.  It is VERY temporary and I now have to jump into the restoration process with both feet.  I am REALLY not excited about this option, but feeling better now that I have walked into a dentist office and sat in the chair. 

I am in some pain this morning, but know that it will be worth it in the end.  I have to call and make an appointment with him early this week for a full exam and then he feels he will need to consult with some experts about the right course of action going forward.  There is a great deal of damage and it is going to be a tough process.  I HATE that we are going to have to spend money on this now with our adoption expenses still pending.  But I know that I HAVE to do this now. 

You would think that after several surgeries on my reproductive system the dentist wouldn't scare me... but I think it is just one more case of being out of control and having the horrible experiences in my childhood.  Please keep some good thoughts coming my way as I jump into this with both feet.

Here is my current smile thanks to the dentist's artistry...

Let's hope that it looks as good when he is all done with the permanent solution!

Adoption Cards

Thank you for all of your sweet comments on my last post.  I can't even begin to express how much each and every one of them meant to me. I don't really know how I would be able to be half as strong as I am if it weren't for all of the support I get here.  Thank you, thank you, thank you....

I need to ask for a little more help.  We only had one call on our adoption line last month.  I need to get a little more aggressive with our marketing this month.  I need to feel like I am doing something.  As I've mentioned before, we have adoption "business" cards.  (Man, I hate that term, but I don't know what else to call them and get the point across).  I am wondering if any of you would be willing to take a few of these cards and pass them on to people who might be able to connect us to a woman who might just want to make an adoption plan.  They could be passed on to pediatricians, OBs, clergy, social service agencies, and posted on community bulletin boards. 

If you are interested in helping us get the word out there in your part of the world, could you please send me your mailing information to puzzleblog (at) me (dot) com? 

We're going to be adding a goo.gle ad campaign this month as well as go back to print ads across the country.  We've got our faceb.ook page and our adopt.imist profile.  I am working on writing a letter to local OB offices with our information.  I am even going to "use" my pregnant coworkers and have them take the information to their OBs. 

We're also open to any ideas you all have about getting the word out there.  We just can't afford the $30K to work with an agency- especially now that we've been on the do it yourself plan and spent our monthly adoption "allowance" each month on marketing. 

I have to turn this grief into action... and hopefully that will end up with us finally getting our happy ending in 2012.

The should have baby

It's been some time since I thought about the pregnancy we lost in February.  The pain is so raw and deep at first with a miscarriage but time does have a way of making the pain fade.  It's always there and it becomes part of who you are, but it isn't in your face like it is in those first few days.  But there are moments when it comes back with that same intensity that you first felt- be it weeks, months, or even years later. 

Today I had one of those moments.  Our good friends had their fourth baby today.  She is a healthy addition to their family.  I found myself drawn to FB waiting to hear that the baby had made her arrival.  I knew our friend was having a c-section today and that their newest little one would come into this world at some point today.  I couldn't figure out why I was so drawn to this birthday.  And then I remembered.... Jen found out she was pregnant when we did.  They waited to tell us until after the D&C.  That sounds worse than it really was- they wanted to be sensitive to what we were going through but knew it was going to be out there and wanted us to know.  I found out while I was in North Carolina during spring break, so it wasn't right after our D&C.

But here's the realization I had today.  We should have had our baby by now.  The baby that we could have brought into this world if I hadn't had the third miscarriage.  I don't know what the exact due date would have been, but it would have been before now.  With the first miscarriage, I was very in tune with it all and thought about it often.  With the second miscarriage, I never had the sense of hope that there could have been a happy ending.  The third was so much of a surprise from the start with tiny bursts of hope thrown in.  I think that's why this date has hit me like this... it's like a little bubble burst and I had the realization that we should have also been having the experience of becoming parents through the miracle of birth.

I think it also hit me today- I mean really hit home- that we will never experience going to the hospital to give birth.  We'll never know what that experience is like.  We'll never pack a hospital bag and have a plan to tell those we love that we've welcomed life into this world.   We'll never go through that "right of passage" that is such a part of becoming an adult.  And I don't know how I will ever come to terms with that realization. 

Our life is full, and I am so lucky to share my life with a man who makes my every breath matter.  I am so lucky to have a marriage built on memories of growing up together.  My marriage is stronger despite as a result of 12 years of infertility and loss.  We are happy and most of my days are full of joy and laughter.  It the joy that keeps me moving forward.  And that's all I can do. 

Three

Did anyone else grow up hearing that things happen in threes?  I grew up hearing that death, major events, and births happen in threes.  Interestingly, that is usually the case. 

You know where this is going, right?

I now have three coworkers that are pregnant and all due within a month of each other.  The third teacher came to me today.  She happens to be a good friend and one of the teachers I share a room with in my new role.  She was afraid to tell me... just as every person close to me has been.  She also knows of our struggle, and like my other close friend, started "trying" right away because she knew that it could take time.  She and my other friend were married a day apart... in June... June 2012.  Which means they BOTH got pregnant the first month they tried following getting married.  I spent the early summer working on things for their weddings. 

The other coworker is expecting her second child.  She has a two year old already.  She suffers from PCOS, but is one of the lucky ones I guess...  But it's the other two that are weighing heavily on my heart tonight.

I wonder if there will ever be a time that my heart doesn't break with a pregnancy announcement.  I think these sting a little more because they both started trying right away because of my struggle- knowing that it doesn't work for some people.  Yet, they both got very lucky.  They both know just how lucky they are, and for that I am grateful.  They both shared with me how much they treasure the gift that they have been given.  And they both get it... at least for now.  Talk to me in a few months when they are both showing and it might be another story all together.

I can't help but have a little pity party tonight.  We're still waiting.  We're still hoping.  We're trying to live each day and believe that in the end all of this will be worth it.  My heart is breaking tonight.  I just don't understand why we have to watch all of those around us become parents while we want nothing more than to have the chance.  While I know that all of this is not related, but part of me has to wonder why these other women (who are amazing people and will be amazing mothers) have been given the gift that I so desperately yearn for.  Why aren't I good enough to become a mom?  Why can't my body carry a pregnancy?  Why can't a woman choose us to become the parents to her child? 

You would think that after all these years it would get easier.  In some ways it is easier- I was able to smile and ask all the right questions when my coworker told me today.  She knew the story of the coworker who did it all wrong- and wanted to make sure I knew long before it was out.  I was able to keep it together and not shed a tear at work until I had a private moment to call Chris.  So I suppose in some ways it is easier- or maybe I just have developed an armor. 

Of course today is CD#1... and it is a doozy- heavy and crampy.  I really just wanted to curl up into a ball today.  But I survived a full day of work and made it home in one piece. That's probably the bottom line... I am a survivor. 

Fall Whirlwind

Whew... can't believe it's already September 9th!  Where did the last few weeks go?  Oh-- the start of a new school year, that's right!

The new job is going well.  Not nearly as stress free as Chris had hoped it would be for me.  It's been hard to accept that there is LOTS I don't know and that I am dependent on others to give me the info I need to do my job.  There have been some egos that have emerged that have caused some stress too.  It seems that there are a few of my colleagues that are a little threatened by my new role.  I'm spending more time walking around trying not to step on toes than I would like.  Hoping that has all come to a head now and that we can move forward. 

The start of a new school year is always intense, and I am really tired.  I had to do trainings after school every day last week and literally crashed when I got home at 8 on Friday night.  I always seem to forget how hard it is to readjust to the start of school each year.  However, I wouldn't trade summers off for anything!

In adoption news, we were presented to another woman recently who was due in a short time.  Sadly, she stopped returning our attorney's calls and we aren't even sure if she has had her child.  Its hard to believe we've almost been a waiting family for a year now, and we are still in the hoping phase.  I am still holding out hope that we will be matched before the end of year year, but I know that as each day passes that becomes less and less of a reality.  We're getting calls and we're being profiled- we're just not being chosen.  We're really doing all we can right now, but might consider running a google ad campaign after the 15th. 

In other news, it appears my blood pressure is now an issue.  I've been watching it on and off since my college days, but now it seems to be an official issue.  After talking to my primary care doctor, she feels that I need to go on low dose medication. My cholesterol has also decided to become elevated.  My blood sugar is also starting to creep up,  but she is going to leave me at my current dosage of met.formin for now.  I feel like I've aged 20 years in a few weeks!  I did ask to get a referral to a dietician to help me come up with a plan now that I need to manage both my carbs/sugars and the fats/proteins.  I also know that I need to become active again and hopefully I can get into a routine of good eating and regular exercise again. 

We did have a great summer full of concerts with friends.  Our final concert of the year is our annual Jimmy B.uffett adventure.  We enjoy tailgating and taking in all the sights.  Here is a photo of the group before the concert...

What a difference this summer was compared to last.  Feeling so much more refreshed this year and ready to take on whatever the fall has in store for us.  Hoping and wishing and dreaming that there will be a little one in our lives before the end of the fall....

Hope you are all having a great start to your fall.  Now that I am getting settled in to my routines, I am hoping to have more time to read and comment on your blogs!

Have a great Sunday!