There's nothing much new to report on the miscarriage front. Although I do seem to have a killer back ache, which is usually indicative of AF is coming. That would be VERY welcome at this point, as it would mean that I am finally at the end of the miscarriage marathon. But we'll see. I don't go back to the RE until July 6th, but if AF shows I'll call to get an earlier appointment.
In other news, I set up a shop on etsy and thought I would share the link here. I am adding things to it slowly, but I've already had a few sales! I am hoping to create a little nest egg for our adoption costs. You can find my shop here.
Just starting to really enjoy summer and take a few deep breaths after the crazy spring we had. Looking forward to having some friends visit in a few weeks so I am busy making plans for that.
One final shout out to the lovely MTL who is in Ethiopia with her sweet babies hoping to bring them home very soon. Please send some good thoughts her way that everything goes as planned and they are back on US soil with their sweet angels soon.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
15 years ago
Today marks our 15th wedding anniversary. It's been a wild ride, but I really wouldn't have wanted to share it with anyone else. This is not what I thought our lives would be like at this point, but I am so thankful to have reached this milestone. It hasn't been easy, lord knows that. But we made it. We've beat the odds in one area- we've dealt with prolonged infertility and come out the other side with a stronger marriage.
While my heart still aches for a child, I know that I am truly blessed to share my life with such an amazing and caring man. We married young (I mean really young since I'm only 29 and all, right?! Oh how I wish!) My 21 year old self had no idea what she was getting into. She had no idea how hard life was going to be for the next 15 years. She had no idea that she would experience so much loss. She had no idea how much she would grow to love that man she stood next to that day. She had no idea how many adventures she would be fortunate to take with him by her side. She had no idea what it really meant to love someone so completely.
If I knew then, what I knew now- I'd still marry him in a heartbeat. While I don't believe that there is a purpose for every life experience, I do know that we were meant to be together. Marriage is hard work. But the benefits are great. While I yearn to have a child, my heart breaks for those who have lost their spouse or have yet to find someone to share their life with. I know that I am blessed. After all we've been through it's so easy to wallow in what we don't have. (And believe me, that's were I was less than 24 hours ago!) Today I am going to focus on the good. Focus on my strong marriage and the amazing man who chose me all those years ago.
Thank you for all of your love and support through the past year and more. I also count each of you as blessings in my life. And no worries... I'll be back to whining about my never dropping HCG levels tomorrow! :)
While my heart still aches for a child, I know that I am truly blessed to share my life with such an amazing and caring man. We married young (I mean really young since I'm only 29 and all, right?! Oh how I wish!) My 21 year old self had no idea what she was getting into. She had no idea how hard life was going to be for the next 15 years. She had no idea that she would experience so much loss. She had no idea how much she would grow to love that man she stood next to that day. She had no idea how many adventures she would be fortunate to take with him by her side. She had no idea what it really meant to love someone so completely.
If I knew then, what I knew now- I'd still marry him in a heartbeat. While I don't believe that there is a purpose for every life experience, I do know that we were meant to be together. Marriage is hard work. But the benefits are great. While I yearn to have a child, my heart breaks for those who have lost their spouse or have yet to find someone to share their life with. I know that I am blessed. After all we've been through it's so easy to wallow in what we don't have. (And believe me, that's were I was less than 24 hours ago!) Today I am going to focus on the good. Focus on my strong marriage and the amazing man who chose me all those years ago.
Thank you for all of your love and support through the past year and more. I also count each of you as blessings in my life. And no worries... I'll be back to whining about my never dropping HCG levels tomorrow! :)
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
10
Freaking 10.
That's my hcg as of this morning.
A drop of only 3 over the past week.
Insert temper tantrum here.
I get to wait two weeks until I go back. Lucky me.
July 6th next test.
Two more weeks in limbo.
Not happy.
That's my hcg as of this morning.
A drop of only 3 over the past week.
Insert temper tantrum here.
I get to wait two weeks until I go back. Lucky me.
July 6th next test.
Two more weeks in limbo.
Not happy.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Change
I am feeling that I need a change.
And I am hoping that I might just have some change with my job. There is a possibility that I could change roles and become part of our district technology team as a technology integration specialist. I've been doing a great deal of professional development over the past year, and am one of our technology leaders. I am not the energetic teacher I was ten years ago, and I feel that a change could be a good thing. So please keep good thoughts that things fall into place and I can find some much needed change with my job. I've been in the same position for 10 years, so it's time.
Unfortunately, a requirement of the position will probably force me to go back to school to get an additional masters degree. I do not have the required certificate for this new position and teaching in IL is all about what certificate you have. The added expense of grad school is not exactly what Chris and I need right now and he is less than thrilled with the idea. I *really* want to be considered for this new position and feel that this is the right time for this. Please keep positive thoughts that we can make this all work if the position is offered to be on the condition I am going back to school.
One more week of school related commitments (summer school and tech training for staff) and I am done. I can't wait to be REALLY on summer vacation!
And I am hoping that I might just have some change with my job. There is a possibility that I could change roles and become part of our district technology team as a technology integration specialist. I've been doing a great deal of professional development over the past year, and am one of our technology leaders. I am not the energetic teacher I was ten years ago, and I feel that a change could be a good thing. So please keep good thoughts that things fall into place and I can find some much needed change with my job. I've been in the same position for 10 years, so it's time.
Unfortunately, a requirement of the position will probably force me to go back to school to get an additional masters degree. I do not have the required certificate for this new position and teaching in IL is all about what certificate you have. The added expense of grad school is not exactly what Chris and I need right now and he is less than thrilled with the idea. I *really* want to be considered for this new position and feel that this is the right time for this. Please keep positive thoughts that we can make this all work if the position is offered to be on the condition I am going back to school.
One more week of school related commitments (summer school and tech training for staff) and I am done. I can't wait to be REALLY on summer vacation!
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
13.... &*(#$&#
Yep, it's another week gone, and another week on this miscarriage marathon.
Today's HCG- 13. I jokingly said it would be 12 to the nurse this morning. Nope, not even that low.
Another repeat next Tuesday.
Each visit costs me $59 out of pocket according to my insurance. Although I may have finally hit my deductible. Wrote a check for $289 to the clinic this morning. Yep, not only is my emotional and physical health being drained, but we're also getting a hit in the pocketbook too. Lucky us.
Yes, I'm angry. (Guessing you figured that out by now) I just want to move on.
Going to spend some time being creative hoping to take the edge off.
This just stinks.
Today's HCG- 13. I jokingly said it would be 12 to the nurse this morning. Nope, not even that low.
Another repeat next Tuesday.
Each visit costs me $59 out of pocket according to my insurance. Although I may have finally hit my deductible. Wrote a check for $289 to the clinic this morning. Yep, not only is my emotional and physical health being drained, but we're also getting a hit in the pocketbook too. Lucky us.
Yes, I'm angry. (Guessing you figured that out by now) I just want to move on.
Going to spend some time being creative hoping to take the edge off.
This just stinks.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
25
And another week of beta hell continues. Still at 25. Not even going to say that I hope it's the last one, as it appears that it drops in half each week. So at this rate, I have at least two more weeks to go. Saw the first statements from the insurance company, and since I hadn't met my deductible this year, we are going to be paying close to $500 before all is said and done for this darn miscarriage. And they say teachers have great insurance.... (don't get me started on the public slander of teachers right now... that's another post in of itself!)
I asked to have the labs run for the clotting issue, and they can't be done until my HCG is at 0. But at least they are in the works, and will be run as soon as I hit the jackpot with a ZERO. Of course, that means one more trip to the office and one more set of charges, but I just need to know.
My little card making endeavor has taken off! I am so lucky to work with generous people who are all clamoring for more cards. I've also had a few orders from Facebook. Chris jokingly asked if he thought I could make the entire adoption costs with this. Told him he'd have to be a slave folding cards and gluing if that was going to happen! In all seriousness, it's been great. I've spent hours creating cards for people who appreciate them while making some extra money. My "real" job at summer school is cramping my time though! Only 9 more school days until I am fully on break.
So, I'm hanging in there. It's really HOT here this week and I am so not a fan of 100 degrees. Thank goodness for a/c!
Hope you are all keeping cool wherever you are!
I asked to have the labs run for the clotting issue, and they can't be done until my HCG is at 0. But at least they are in the works, and will be run as soon as I hit the jackpot with a ZERO. Of course, that means one more trip to the office and one more set of charges, but I just need to know.
My little card making endeavor has taken off! I am so lucky to work with generous people who are all clamoring for more cards. I've also had a few orders from Facebook. Chris jokingly asked if he thought I could make the entire adoption costs with this. Told him he'd have to be a slave folding cards and gluing if that was going to happen! In all seriousness, it's been great. I've spent hours creating cards for people who appreciate them while making some extra money. My "real" job at summer school is cramping my time though! Only 9 more school days until I am fully on break.
So, I'm hanging in there. It's really HOT here this week and I am so not a fan of 100 degrees. Thank goodness for a/c!
Hope you are all keeping cool wherever you are!
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Thoughts from my beloved CC.RM nurse
I finally sent an email to my beloved nurse at CC.RM. Have I mentioned lately how much I adore her? While I haven't been an "official" patient since last November or so, she took the time to answer my questions and even included a personal note in her reply. Why can't all RE nurses be like her? Every single penny of the "nursing fee" that CC.RM charges is worth its weight in gold!
So, she reminded me that it is a good thing that I was able to get pregnant on my own and that it is a good sign. She also said that they (I assume she talked to Dr Sch, she has always done so in the past with my ?'s) feel that it just might be an undiagnosed clotting issue. She is recommending that I have the APA Panel and Hypercoag Panel to rule out a clotting disorder. (WHY haven't I had this done during the last 11 years???? Why didn't I ask????) She went on to say that we should let her know if we need anything.
So..... What do I do? I feel that I really need to know. I need to know if the answer we've been searching for all these years is as simple as a clotting disorder. Do I get orders from CC.RM to have the tests, or do I just talk to the local RE's nurses and ask to have these run through them? The difference could be a $40 facility fee the local RE charges me if I am not their patient. I also don't want to irk the local RE, as I may need them in the future. I am thinking I'll call and talk to one of my trusted nurses at the local RE on Monday to see if the panels can be run Tuesday morning along with my weekly HCG levels.
My CC.RM nurse also assured me that my levels are coming down nicely, and she isn't concerned. That was a relief for me. There was just something about hearing it from her that eases my anxiety. She did say that it could take ANOTHER FOUR WEEKS for it to get to zero. Please lord let that not be the case! There is just something psychological about finally getting to 0. That it's finally over. I feel like I am stuck in limbo until then.
I haven't run since this whole mess started. We usually all run in a 5k on July 4th. I was telling myself that I wasn't going to start running again until I got to 0. Guess I'll check with the local nurse when I call and see if I can start back up now.
In other news, I've started making cards and selling them to offset the costs of our adoption. It's been very well received through friends on Face.book. I'm hoping that I can continue to do something I love and make some extra money for our adoption at the same time. If you'd like to check it out, I've set up a separate page on FB for it... do a search for PB Creations.
In a final note, please take a few moments to visit my friend Augusta. She is an amazing woman who has provided so much support for our community. She sadly experienced a missed miscarriage last week after an IVF. She is healing, but could use some extra love and support from all of us. I know personally how much the outpouring of support meant to me after our miscarriages.
So, she reminded me that it is a good thing that I was able to get pregnant on my own and that it is a good sign. She also said that they (I assume she talked to Dr Sch, she has always done so in the past with my ?'s) feel that it just might be an undiagnosed clotting issue. She is recommending that I have the APA Panel and Hypercoag Panel to rule out a clotting disorder. (WHY haven't I had this done during the last 11 years???? Why didn't I ask????) She went on to say that we should let her know if we need anything.
So..... What do I do? I feel that I really need to know. I need to know if the answer we've been searching for all these years is as simple as a clotting disorder. Do I get orders from CC.RM to have the tests, or do I just talk to the local RE's nurses and ask to have these run through them? The difference could be a $40 facility fee the local RE charges me if I am not their patient. I also don't want to irk the local RE, as I may need them in the future. I am thinking I'll call and talk to one of my trusted nurses at the local RE on Monday to see if the panels can be run Tuesday morning along with my weekly HCG levels.
My CC.RM nurse also assured me that my levels are coming down nicely, and she isn't concerned. That was a relief for me. There was just something about hearing it from her that eases my anxiety. She did say that it could take ANOTHER FOUR WEEKS for it to get to zero. Please lord let that not be the case! There is just something psychological about finally getting to 0. That it's finally over. I feel like I am stuck in limbo until then.
I haven't run since this whole mess started. We usually all run in a 5k on July 4th. I was telling myself that I wasn't going to start running again until I got to 0. Guess I'll check with the local nurse when I call and see if I can start back up now.
In other news, I've started making cards and selling them to offset the costs of our adoption. It's been very well received through friends on Face.book. I'm hoping that I can continue to do something I love and make some extra money for our adoption at the same time. If you'd like to check it out, I've set up a separate page on FB for it... do a search for PB Creations.
In a final note, please take a few moments to visit my friend Augusta. She is an amazing woman who has provided so much support for our community. She sadly experienced a missed miscarriage last week after an IVF. She is healing, but could use some extra love and support from all of us. I know personally how much the outpouring of support meant to me after our miscarriages.
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