Christmas Peace

For the first time in many years, I am feeling a sense of peace today. 

Our lives are full of so many people who are so excited to help us welcome our little miracle in 2013.  We've been showered with gifts towards our adoption fund that have brought Chris and I to tears.  We know that there are so many people who are are supporting us in every way that matters.  We don't have a traditional family support system, but we are so amazingly blessed with a family of friends who love and cherish us.  Each person we've shared our exciting news with has been so happy for us and has offered whatever support we need. 

I've been aching for this sense of peace for so long.  I can only imagine the magnitude of the feelings once we have a little one in our arms.  So, my dear friends, I am fully jumping in.  I am going to let go and just hope and believe that all of our struggles and loss have brought us to the moment we hold our little one.  And for this moment, I am going to believe with all my heart that will finally be possible in late March. 

We spent a wonderful Christmas Eve with our very close friends.

Chris and I on Christmas Eve. 

Chris with Maddi & Dante

We had a quiet Christmas just the two of us.  It was so nice to have some quiet time together.  We purchased only practical gifts for one another, but made sure to wrap them in pretty packages.  :)  Romeo was treated to a few squeeky toys that met a very quick demise. 

Romeo really wants to open his stocking!

We went to a movie with our friends last night and then went back to their house for dinner, drinks, and cards.  We made fabulous pumpkin martinis and ate left over ham.  We shared lots of laughter!

Today I am enjoying my first real day of Winter Break.  Doing a little cleaning, catching up on the DVR, snuggling with Romeo, and basking in the glow of this feeling of Peace. 

Wishing you all a sense of peace as we close out 2012. 

Christmas Eve 2012

In Christmases past, I've been frantically getting everything together on Christmas Eve morning for my family to come over.  I have some really fond memories of Christmas Eves when my niece was little and before the family drama got to the point that I had to walk away.  I am feeling some nostalgia this morning, and sad that we can't go back to those magical Christmas Eves with the kids.  I sent gifts for the kids last year with my cousin, and apparently that was very insensitive of me and I was told that I am not allowed to do anything like that again.  My heart is heavy, but I know that I made the right choice and recent events have validated that choice.  It's still a little sad to not have family around you at the holidays, but we are so very blessed to have amazing friends who are more like family to us.  And the upside to that... I don't have to worry about cleaning the house right now and can sit here enjoying a cup of coffee with the glow of the Christmas tree and Romeo curled at my feet. 

Do I dare even say that we're hoping that this is our final Christmas as a family of two?  Could 2013 really be our year?  Feeling very hopeful and terrified all at the same time!

Our lunch with M went well.  We met her at her house and then drove to the restaurant.  It was an interesting menu, and not one I would have chosen, but M had fond memories of the restaurant from her childhood and wanted to take us there.  Chris and I got to spend some quality time with her daughter and M was able to actually eat a meal without a little one trying to keep that from happening!  M talks very loudly, so I am pretty sure the entire restaurant knew our story by the time we left.  Oh well!  She has some misconceptions about the actual adoption process at the hospital that we'll need to get corrected.  She doesn't care for her social worker at the agency, so she asks us most of the questions.  I'm going to call my attorney in a little bit to get some clarification and then call M and let her know. 

M shared a few things about her last OB appointment, and I am a little concerned about a few things.  She's been put on progesterone support to prevent early labor... yikes!  I did a little googling when we got home and worked myself into a frenzy of course.  She has an u/s on Jan 4th and I asked if I could go with her.  She said yes, and in fact is excited she won't have to go by herself for once.  I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am about being able to go and see the little one on the screen.  Also hoping that I can get some reassurance from the OB about what is really going on.  In our experience, M doesn't always hear everything that someone says and needs some clarification herself.  Hoping that being a second pair of ears will also help M. 

M has also requested to see our home for herself.  She feels she needs to see where the baby will be going, and honestly I can't blame her.  She has all of our contact info already, and a quick google search would give you our address.  Chris and I talked about it, and feel that it is the right thing to do.  We've always felt strongly that we wanted an open adoption.  We've been working to develop a relationship with M and sharing our hopes for an open adoption little by little with her. We're hoping for the end of January.  That means Chris has to get some of his home projects done and we might just have to take the leap and..... set up a..... nursery.  Yikes!!!  I am sure that M will want to see more than the single onesie I've allowed myself to purchase.  My good friend has offered to escort me into Babies...R....Us... for the first time.  This might just be the kick in the arse I needed to get over my fears.

I am feeling some peace... there's still the nagging voice in the back of my head that reminds me that this might all fall apart at the 11th hour.  I am trying to keep her as quiet as possible for now.  And the reality that the little one might be here sooner than we expected has pushed her even farther back.  (but of course I started researching about preemies.... !)

Hoping you all have a wonderful Christmas.  For those of you with little miracles, hug them a little tighter and give them a little extra love from Chris and I.  For those of you still in the trenches with me, take good care of yourself and allow yourself to feel whatever comes.  Much love to you all!

Christmas... Past, Present, & Future all in one day!

First off, I apologize for the Blog Silence.  It's been a busy few weeks with work and getting etsy orders filled.  And then the tragedy of last week happened, and I just couldn't find the words to share here about it, so I decided that no words were my contribution to the blogosphere's way of processing it all.  I don't think I have fully processed it- and don't know that I ever will. 

It almost seems trivial to talk about anything else... but I read a quote somewhere about how moving on with "normal" life is often the best way to pay tribute to those who've been lost.  I don't know if that's the right idea, and when we've experienced any sort of loss, I was always pissed that it seemed that life was just going on around me.  But in the end, it was that sense of normal life that helped me to reengage in life.  So that's what I am going to do... try to fully engage in life- this crazy life that we're living!

Today is going to be a whirlwind of emotions.  We're meeting M for lunch today.  It will be the first time we've seen her in person since we've agreed to the adoption plan.  We've communicated a great deal over text.  We had a rocky few days with our agency and some communication pieces with all those involved.   There are so many professionals involved that sometimes it is very frustrating.  We have our attorney that I adore and respect greatly.  She has been our rock through all of this.  Then we have a social worker at the agency who did our homestudy and is also our contact.  Then there is a social worker who is assigned to M through the agency.  While we have a great deal of communication with M, anything with support has to go through the agency and while we are so grateful for that, it can be a challenge with communication.  M talks to her social worker, who talks to our social worker, who calls us.  And sometimes our attorney has to intervene to make things work with this process, and last week the director of the agency got involved as well.  It was an extremely stressful few weeks, but we *finally* feel like everything has been addressed and we can now work on developing a relationship with M and hope that the professionals can work with the system we've all set up.

Chris is at practice this morning.  He'll come home and change and we'll make the 90 minute drive to pick M up and take her to lunch.  She had a Dr appt this week, so hoping we'll have a chance to talk a little about it.  It's such a strange world to live in, and I don't know that anyone prepares you for this. Our initial conversation in person was good, so hoping that things will go smooth today.  I am hoping to feel some sense of peace after today.  We've had so much loss that it is just so darn hard to believe that we will finally be in a place to become parents in a few months.  It's crazy to start thinking about what our Christmas future might hold!

After our lunch with M, we're heading into the city for an annual Christmas party.  We'll see our swimmers from years past who are now all grown up.  It's always so fun to see everyone and we always say we have to get together more than just once a year, but life just gets in the way. It's a little strange to be sharing a bottle of wine with girls you've known since they were 8, but it's also pretty cool at the same time.  They've all become such amazing adults, and it makes my heart swell with pride knowing we had just a little bit to do with that.  We've been a part of so many kids lives, and the idea that we might just finally be able to share our life with a child of our own is almost more than my heart can take.  I am actually tearing up just writing this post...  We've been making this trip into the city for more than a decade, and it's truly one of the highlights of our Christmas.

With that, I need to actually consider getting dressed for our big adventures.  Thinking of you all today, and still feeling so full of gratitude for the love and support you have all shown us!

Dear Santa

It's Christmas Eve once again. 

And I'm having many of the same thoughts I've had on this day for years.

On a day that once held so much magic for me as a child, I am torn between feelings of sadness and hope.  Our life is full of so many blessings.  We're surrounded by so many children.  We've seen many grow up into amazing young adults.  We've been able to experience their lives in a supporting role.  We've got children in our lives that we care for on a daily basis.  We have so  many hopes and dreams for our swimmers and students.  We have close friends' children who are like family to us that we will share this holiday with.  But we're missing the big piece- a child that calls us mom and dad.

While my faith is wavering, I do believe fully in the Christmas Spirit.  I want to have that magical feeling I had a a child return to our home as we embrace new traditions as a family.  I want to leave cookies for Santa and sprinkle reindeer food on the lawn.  I want to have matching Christmas pajamas and cuddle up watching The Polar Express.  I want to see the sparkle in Chris' eye as he watches our children open up presents from Santa.

So Santa, there's just one wish on my Christmas list... and I think you know what it is!

~~~~~~

Wishing you all a very happy holiday. 

Christmas Eve 2010

I had high hopes last Christmas that we would be in a different place today.  I suppose in many ways, we are in a very different place than we were.  It's just not the destination I had hoped for.  This Christmas is different in many ways, but not in the positive way we had so highly hoped.  I am trying hard to not dwell on what could have been- but it's so hard.  It's hard not to think where we "should" be at this point if things had worked out in January or September.  But if there is anything I have learned, there is no should when it comes to IF. 

I am angry and sad.  I am going to allow myself that for just one more hour, and then I have to put on the happy face and embrace what our Christmas IS this year, not what I wish it was.  We have a wonderful home, friends who love us as if we were family, and enough resources to live comfortably.  We are blessed, and I am hoping that can guide me through the next 48 hours. 

I am also thankful that we can do as we wish in that time frame, and are not under any obligation to be anywhere.  In years past I have hosted my immediate family on Christmas Eve and gone to my Aunt's house on Christmas Day. We are estranged from my family (by my choice) so we are spending the time doing what we want to- spending it with friends who have supported and loved us beyond words over the past difficult year.  Tonight we will have dinner with the Rinaldi family.  They really have become our family.  Then we will  be heading down to Children's Memorial Hospital for the day tomorrow to spend it with our dear friend and her daughter. Devon had a second major back surgery on Tuesday and will be spending Christmas in the hospital.  We're taking her an Ipod touch to keep her busy as she endures the next 6 weeks of recovery.  I am really looking forward to spending the day cheering someone else up!  I am hoping it will keep me from missing what could have been this year.

I hope you all are able to find some peace this holiday.

Holiday Hustle

Sorry I have neglected my blog over the last week.  Trying hard to embrace the holiday hustle and bustle.  Enjoyed a day of baking last Saturday with Miriam that resulted in these goody bags for people at work.  I am so blessed to have such supportive coworkers who I also consider friends. 

Christmas card production is the goal for today.  Design is set, letter is written- now to get it all pulled together.  Hoping to get them all made this weekend and in the mail by Monday.  I'll be sure to share once I am done.

Hope you are all finding a little joy in the season. It's been a tough year for so many of us.  I wouldn't have made it without each and every one of you.  I wish I could send you all a little goody bag of sweets to express my gratitude.  Consider this a virtual one!  :)

Stranded

I've been stranded in the house since Friday night.  I am really ok with it, but it's funny how you want to go out and do things just because you can't!

My car is now at the shop but will hopefully cost less than the $1000 the dealer quoted.  A friend suggested a shop they use and we decided to give it a shot since the cost was MUCH less than the dealer.  It's amazing how $600 can seem like a small amount.  It's all about perspective, right?

I've spent most of the weekend trying to decide on what to do for our Christmas cards.  I've decided to do paper versions and not digital.  I *need* to get paper in my hands and have the time creating.  It's what my soul needs right now.  I'm still moving things into my studio, but there is enough there for me to get started on being creative.

We are hoping to send a little different Christmas letter in our cards this year.  We want to share our intentions to adopt with all of our friends & family.  Chris has a theory that we have such a large network of people in our lives, that someone must know someone who is looking for an adoptive couple for their child.  It's worth a shot, right?  So I am feeling some pressure with getting cards out.  I know we could send the information out later, but it just makes sense to send it out all with our holiday cards.

I did purchase a domain name for our adoption website.  I don't want to link it here since it could be connected back here and I just don't want that. If you are interested, go to www. chris and patience .com (take out the spaces)  Right now it is just a single page.  We still have a LONG way to go to have a live profile.  I've started working on it, and can't even begin to think about how we will finalize even the tiniest detail of photos, let alone what to write!

We got an email from our social worker at the agency this week.  She wants to set up our first meeting in our home.  Yikes!  I thought this would come at the end and with all of the work we still have to do around here, it put me into a panic.  Honestly, I haven't even responded to the email yet.  I think I will send a quick email this afternoon and hopefully call her as well.  I think we'll be ready after the first of the year.  I just need some time to get the little things done around here from all of the construction.

Oh, and Chris and I still haven't talked about the call from Dr Sch.  I've realized that my heart would love to cycle again, but my head knows it's not really a possibility right now.  We need to take the unknown path.  We just can't go down the treacherous treatment again right now.  (If I was offered a free cycle at ccrm, though....)

Hoping to get the Christmas card design finalized this afternoon!

Notes to Myself

Yesterday we got out the Christmas tree.  Yes, we have a fake tree.  It's the only way to go when you have allergies and pets in our book.  We also like to have it up a long time and were never really good at watering a real tree.  So a few years ago we spent the money to get a nice artificial tree.  It is stored in a large bag and requires assembly each year.  We always question what order the branches go in and started making notes so we remember. 

As I took out the branches, I found the note we wrote last year.  On it was a reminder to put the lights on as we assembled each section- a helpful little tip to help us this year.  I was overcome with emotion suddenly as I read the note.  I started to think about the two people that wrote that note- the Chris & Patience of a year ago.  Oh what a year they had ahead of them!  If I could write them a note telling them all about what the year would hold, what would they have thought?  Surely they wouldn't have believed it all.  They were so full of hope that I think they would have just laughed it off. 

 Last year I was full of hope that we would finally have our miracle by the next time we put that tree up.  I can imagine us thinking that we would have our hands full this year as we put the tree up and would need all the help we could get.  We were so sure that by this time we would be complete and be sharing our first Christmas as a family.  I actually wrote at one point, that I really thought that it would be our last Christmas without children. 

I've said that for 10 years.  Some years I believed it more than others.  Last year was a year I really believed it with all my heart.  We got so close, but in some ways we are even farther away than we've ever been to having that child centered Christmas.  I have no idea what the next year will hold.  I hold little hope that we will have a child by next Christmas.  Last year we had a plan.  This year we are lost.

I wish I could write a note back to the Chris & Patience we were 10 years ago.  I wish I could tell them what the years ahead would be like.  But then I remember what it felt like to have hope.  I wouldn't want to take that from them.  Even the Chris & Patience of 2009 had so much hope.   I do wish that the Chris & Patience of 2025 could write me a note and just tell me that it all works out in the end.  I don't even need to know how, I just need to know it does.  I don't have much hope left, and I just need a tiny thread to pull me through. 

I fear that the holidays this year are going to be tough.  I need to find a way to embrace and enjoy the season.  And just maybe I will be able to leave a note to myself saying it will all be ok.

Christmas Morning

Merry Christmas! I am still waiting for Chris to fully wake up so that we can open presents this morning. We had a wonderful time last night. We went to a newer restaraunt here in town called David's Bistro. We both had AMAZING meals. I love how they decorate the downtown area with each of the trees lining Main Street covered in lights. It was really pretty despite the fact that it was raining... yep, raining! We then went to our good friends' house where they were hosting their families. We were there in time for dessert and to track Santa at Norad with the kids. That is one of my favorite traditions each Christmas Eve. We sure didn't have a way to track Santa like that when I was a kid! :)

I have a breakfast casserole in the oven that I made last night. Hoping it turns out better than last year's attempt. The stockings are stuffed and Romeo is beside himself because he REALLY wants to get into his. The cat is also circling their stocking as I speak as there is catnip in it too.

Really hoping there is no drama today at my aunt's house. I really want to have a nice Christmas with my extended family. I sent an email to mom asking her to put things aside for the day and let's just say her response was less than cordial. We are in a facebook status war right now that is actually quite funny when you step back and look at it. Oh well. I know Chris is just as angry as I am and I hope he is able to keep his emotions in check through the day.

Onto brighter things, I am hopeful that this will be the last Christmas that Santa doesn't make a stop at our house. Hoping that 2010 brings wonderful things to us and all those who have been there for Chris and I during the past year. We are so blessed to have so many close friends who care about us and our children yet to be. Trying to focus on the positives today and the rest of the year!

Christmas Eve

It's Christmas Eve once again.  Usually I am preparing my house for my immediate family to come over for dinner and presents.  Not this year.  Due to some typical family drama, I am not only not hosting Christmas Eve, but Chris and I have been excluded from tonight's festivities.  I was (okay maybe still am) mad about the whole thing, but am thankful that I can sit here on my couch instead of cleaning right now.  I am sad that I won't get to spend time with my niece and nephews.  Being around them has been my saving grace in Christmases past.  But this year I actually have hope that this really might be our last Christmas without a child of our own. 

So what are we going to do tonight?  I think we are going to go out to a nice dinner- that will probably still cost less than I would have spent on food if I was hosting.  We'll then head over to our good friend's house for dessert and some drinks.  They have been more than amazing this year and have been closer than our actual family.  Maybe it is fitting that we spend Christmas Eve with them instead of my family.  I found a recipe for a breakfast casserole for Chris and I to have while opening presents in the morning.  Looking forward to seeing Chris open the presents I got for him this year.

Tomorrow we will go over to my aunt's house.  I offered to make lasagna and bring it over as our main course.  She was more than willing to let me do that!  :)  I made two trays yesterday and they are in my fridge all ready to go.  Things could be interesting tomorrow as my parents and sister will be there as well.  I plan to take the high road and just ignore my sister's dramatics and really try to enjoy the time with my niece and nephews and the rest of my family.  I know our Christmases with Grandma are numbered, so I want to take the time to cherish her.  She has been compassionate towards me and I truly value my relationship with her.  I am sad that my kids will probably not have the same relationship with my mother.  I am comforted in the fact that we have such an extended network of friends that our children will be loved by many people.

On the treatment front, I am just on Birth Control Pills right now to keep things on schedule.  I ordered my medications several weeks ago and the mail order pharmacy run by my insurance company couldn't get their act together  and even tried to charge me more than the retail pharmacy for lupron and the other medications!  I finally canceled the entire order with them and placed the order with Freedom.  They called me the same day and things are set to be delivered on Monday, two days before I need them.  I tried to be proactive and order weeks in advance, but that just didn't work out.  Oh well!  I start the lupron on December 30th.  Happy New Year to me!  LOL.  I stay on BCP until the 5th of January and then start the Vivelle Patches on January 10th.  Not really looking forward to the patches as I have an allergy to adhesive.  The things we do! 

I plan to do my typical year in review post after the holidays... but as much as this post is a downer, I am so very thankful for the past year and do have a great deal to be thankful for.  Hoping to enjoy the holidays and move onto January which could bring very big things to the Bertana house!  :)

Christmas Morning

The house is still quiet... the dogs are up and playing but Chris is still sleeping soundly. Most of the dishes from last night are clean and the house is still pretty put together. I am glad to have this time to reflect on this Christmas and the year that is coming to a close.

We had a really nice Christmas eve. I was more than a little worried after the Thanksgiving explosion between myself and my mom and sister. We've worked nothing out... and I don't think we ever will. But it was nice to put it all aside for one night. I am proud of my home and was happy to decorate for my family. We had a nice dinner and my family even complimented me on the table settings. This is a LONG way from years past when they teased me and even asked if we could just order pizza! We watched the Polar Express as a family. Mom had never seen it so it was neat to see the kids explain it to her. Katrina was very lovey all night... so sweet. I love that little girl so very much. She is becoming a young lady and even rolled her eyes a few times at Uncle Chris! (He deserved it!) Lucais was really good all night too... no temper tantrums and he was fun to play with even. Spencer is starting to really talk... so very good to see! He was so cute with the presents. Since we open one at a time, he would hold his hands together and ask "please" to keep opening another one. Too cute. All in all, a good night. That was not what I expected at all. But I am thankful.

I had some teary moments yesterday. Every time I think I am over the adoption failing, something comes up that opens that wound again. I really didn't think about how hard Christmas was really going to be. I simply love the story people and get a daily email from them. Today's was heartbreaking, but really sums up how I am feeling right now:

"There are lives that I can imagine without children, but none of them have the same laughter and noise."

I think that is what makes Christmas so very hard. I remember how magical Christmas was a child. Somehow that magic slowly slips away as you get older and only returns when you have children of your own. We are lucky to have children in our lives to spoil and enjoy at this time of the year, but none that we call our own. I keep hoping for a Christmas Miracle. I am trying hard to believe but it is getting harder each passing year. We were SO close this year. I wish I knew what direction to head now. We've opened our hearts to a child... in whatever way that comes. Yet, we are celebrating another Christmas just to two of us.

As we head into 2008, I am blessed with a stronger marriage than ever. We have a home that we are finally proud of and many friends who enrich our lives. We both have careers that touch the lives of children and feel a sense of purpose in that arena of our lives. We know that we are blessed beyond so many others. We hope that these blessing continue to bring more joy and laughter into our lives in 2008. But more than anything, I pray that this is the last Christmas that we feel the ache of wanting a child. I pray that we find some resolution in 2008.

I suppose I should let Chris sleep a little longer. :-) I'll make some coffee in a little bit to rouse him. Ever since I was a child, I couldn't sleep on Christmas morning. At least I am getting better... we used to get up at 4 am as kids! Now I can sleep until at least 7! We'll open presents together and then have a nice breakfast. I think I might try biscuits and gravy again. We'll head to my aunts around 11:30 and have dinner and open presents. We should be back home by supper time.

Hope you all have a very Merry Christmas and that Santa was good to you!

December 3rd

It's been a long Monday. My grandmother is in the hospital with some respiratory issues. I am praying that she will fight through this and will be healthy in time for the holidays. I may try to go out to see her tomorrow.

Grades are due at 8 am tomorrow morning using the new program. I think I have it pretty much figured out. It is just a tedious process to get everything entered. I have to go back and enter all of the 1st quarter grades eventually too. YUCK... Tomorrow is a training day on the new paper work for special education. Another FUN day.

I did not create my day 3 page yet for my Christmas Journal. I did do the journaling and have an idea in my head. I am just really tired tonight and just don't feel the patience to get it done!

The tree is up and the house is coming together nicely for my luncheon on Sunday. I am getting really excited about having the girls over. I found the perfect plates in the dollar (but not really a dollar, but $2.50) section of Target today. They have pink along with green and red. Love them! Can't wait to get it all together on Sunday. Need to make lists of all of the things running around in my head in order to prepare for Sunday. Maybe I should do that now!

Christmas Journal Day 7

Was able to crank this one out... journaling was already done and the idea was in my head. :-)



The journaling reads:
12-07-06

Christmas Shopping…

I have never been this far behind ever! As of today, I do not have a SINGLE gift bought! I do have the materials to make a few gifts for coworkers, but that is it. Strangely, I am not panicked yet. We really can’t afford to do the shopping until our next paychecks anyway. We’ll see how I feel a week from now!

For the first time, my extended family agreed to draw names. We have talked about doing it for years, but everyone was finally on board this year. I am happy with it and think that it will work out in the end. We are each to spend $50 on the person we have selected. In exchange, we are to tell that person what we would really like to get. This way we are all spending less money and getting something that we really want. Maybe the fact that I only have to buy for two people instead of everyone is helping ease my panic?

I always want to do something extra special for Chris. Somehow I want to make up for all the lousy Christmases he had as a boy. However, it’s just hard to surprise him with anything. He also limits the amount of money I can spend and then goes and spends twice as much on me! We also fill each other’s stockings. I am already thinking about some goodies that I want to put in there this year. Maybe that will be how I am able to surprise him!

Off to start the laundry and make the ornament for the cookie exchange tonight. Need to see if Chris is awake yet, too!

Day 10/ Christmas Journal DAY 10!

See... this Christmas Journal is already making me less stressed. I just did a page OUT OF ORDER! I still need to do days 7-9, but this one spoke to me and I knew it was easy. Shimelle knew just what I need to get motivated today!

Today's prompt was simple... wrap your page in your wrapping paper, add a bow and a tag. Then create a SHORT journaling section about your wrapping traditions. I haven't been short on one yet. It was hard, but I just let myself be brief!

So here it is:



The wrapping paper is from Hobby Lobby. I fell in love with it as soon as I saw it. Not very traditional, but that is ok with me!

The journaling reads:
12-10-06

I love wrapping presents… at first! The first few packages are usually very pretty with ribbon and bows. As it gets closer to Christmas, I usually just wrap quickly.

I try to pick a wrapping paper that reflects my personality. It is usually bright and cheerful like this paper. I use different wrapping papers for different groups of people. This helps me organize the tree and know exactly which presents to take when.

When I was a child, I remember that Mom and Dad always had a different wrapping paper from Santa. There was usually one for me and a different one for my sister. Santa never used bows! I am sure that is because mom and dad had to wrap all of those presents after we went to bed on Christmas Eve!

I am also heading out this afternoon for a cookie exchange hosted by one of the swim team moms. There is a reason I am so crafty... it makes up for my lack of cooking/baking ability! It took me over 2 hours to make these peanut butter balls. I overmelted chocolate, burned the butter... The recipe is really easy. I decided to make pretty recipe cards to go with them because I needed to restore my self esteem!



Back to work on catching up on the Christmas Journal. I might even post again today!

Quick Post

Only have a few moments to post...

**Staff party last night was a great deal of fun. We got home around 1:00 am and Chris was back out the door this morning at 5:00 am. Meet was in Dekalb, 2 hours away. Think he will be sleeping in tomorrow!

**Did some shopping this morning. Now I can say that I have started!

**Off to Chucky Cheese.... EEEEEEEEK! My sister is having the kids birthday party there tonight. Will only be staying for a SHORT time!

**Made peanut butter balls for cookie exchange tomorrow. Lots of work, but will be worth it... I hope!

**Officially behind now on Christmas Journal... but that is the plan for tomorrow and maybe even tonight. We'll see!

Off to the insanity that is Chucky Cheese on a Saturday night in December.....

December 7/Journal Day 6

So I think I am going to end up a day behind at least until the weekend! I have my staff Christmas party tomorrow so I don't even think I will be able to post. I still need to bake the brownies, wrap the white elephant gifts, and make dinner.

Another late night at school... special services team meeting. One of my least favorite meetings each month. Thankfully it was not too bad today! :-) Went to Target with Becky after school to help her pick out a birthday present for a friend's daughter. By the time I got home it was almost 7:00! Where does the time go?

Ok... I know you are really here wanting to look at my journal pages. This was another tough one for me. The prompt was to remember a not so great christmas and a great christmas and contrast the two. I took a little different approach and journaled about one Christmas that was both bad and good. The left side holds my "bad" aspects of that Christmas, which included losing my grandfather and having a miscarriage. I used the BG magnetic snaps to hold it shut. Boy do those things have some staying power!



On the other side I wrote about the good of that Christmas. Chris made it extra special with many presents and the constant reminder that we have each other...



The design is inspired by Cathy Z. Much more simple than I usually do, but I played with my text a little and am happy with the way it turned out.

Starting to panic about all I need to get done tonight... better go get started!

December 4/Day 4

It was really tough going back to work today! The kids were still groggy from having the snow day on Friday. Had to make up all of the things I had planned to do on Friday... but on a Monday. That is tough for my kiddos who so desperately need routine! On top of that we had a staff meeting after school so I didn't leave until close to 5. I had to stop at the grocery store as well since we have NO food in the house. It was almost 7 by the time I got home.

So onto Day 4 of the Christmas Journal. I was happy to discover that the prompt was posted before school this morning. I printed it off and then had the day to think about it. That was nice. I could steal a few moments for myself throughout the day. This was a hard prompt for me. We were supposed to describe our perfect Christmas without any negative thoughts or feelings. This was tough for me since the past few years I have really not enjoyed Christmas, so every time I had a thought about a perfect Christmas a negative thought would counteract it.

In the end, I decided to do some frank journaling about how in order for me to have a perfect Christmas, I really need to have a child. This really goes against the point of this journal as I am trying to get away from the constant pangs of our infertility. But in the end, it is my hope that this journal will not only allow me to truly experience Christmas Joy, but also provide some healing.

The page is pretty simple. I even decided to make this one a single page even though all of the others (all 2 of them) have been two pages. Rebel, I know!

Ok, so here it is:

The stamps are Making Memories. The artistic challenge for today was to use a photo that shows your perfect Christmas. Shimelle even suggested getting one from a magazine. This photo is from a printer advertisement in Family Circle. She reminds me of what I imagine our daughter might look like. The journaling is hidden in the file folder. It is a little more intense, so I decided to tuck it away. The basics are that I really feel that I need to have a child in order to have the perfect Christmas. I also talked about the "magic" feeling that believing in Santa brings.

The acrylic is KI. The santa is from a christmas card that was sent to us a few years ago. I pulled those out for yesterdays challenge, so I had this one handy. I used foam dots to make the pocket stick out enough for the folder to sit in. The folder is from Rusty Pickle although I covered it in KI!

Off to read my email. It's already 8:45! Hoping to get to bed a little earlier tonight!

Cover and Day 3

This is my cover. It is a work in progress! The papers are all KI Memories. Flowers are Heidi Swapp, Doodlebug, and KI. The letter stickers are Doodlebug. The cover is sealed with Sparkle ModPodge, which adds glitter to the entire thing.

I decided to make my own book so I could adjust as needed. More ribbon will be added once the book is finished. The pages are 8 1/2×8 to allow for the binding.


This is day 3's entry. The prompt was about Christmas cards. This is the outer pages without the overlay of journaling. Here is the journaling overlay:

This is a transparency with my journaling written on it. I then painted on the back of it with a very light pink paint. Here is what the journaling says:

12~03~06

I love Christmas Cards. I love getting them in the mail and I love making them each year. They are one of my favorite parts of the holiday season.

I love getting Christmas cards in the mail. I love reading about the lives of our friends and family both near and far. I know that some people are annoyed by Christmas letters, but I really do enjoy reading them. I just recently went through all of the cards that I had saved from years past. It was fun to look at photos and see how families have grown and changed over the years. I try to send a card to everyone that we receive one from.

I love making Christmas cards. I started making our cards shortly after we were married. At the time I did much more stamping and the cards were usually embossed. One of Chris’ co-workers told me that she framed my card each year! Talk about pressure!  I used to try to outdo myself each year. Not anymore. Now I just create whatever feels good. Last year I did the cards with my digital scrapbooking tools and I enjoyed playing with those techniques. However, this year I am going back to a more traditional card. I have the design in my head, materials gathered, and photos printed. Now I just need to sit down and create them!

Over the years I have also written our own Christmas Letter. I have been able to share the joys of the past year as well as challenges we have faced. As I look back on letters from years past, I am able to see where my faith was at that time. In the beginning I was hopeful and determined that we would have a biological child of our own. In last year’s letter, I was not so hopeful. I mentioned that we may even be considering adoption. We haven’t followed through with that. Each year when I sit down to write the letter I hope that next year I will be able to include information about our child. I am making a promise to myself right now and right here. This will be the LAST letter I write without a child. We will resolve our infertility one way or another in the coming year.

Here are close-ups of the other two pages:

That is last year's card as well as some cancelled stamps from years past. Envelopes is my current address book method, so I had lots of these lying around. My next goal is to get started on this year's cards and address list!


This year's card will go in the envelope. Notice that I said will.... it isn't done yet. It is done in my mind, just need to get them created on paper!

More on the weekend later... I am in creative mode and don't want to stop!

Christmas Art Journal Day 2

I will come back and post more later, but wanted to get these images up.

This is the day 2 entry of my Art Journal. The prompt was to talk about the weather with Christmas. We were also challenged to try making paper snowflakes! Loved it! Since I am a teacher, we often make snowflakes for the Winter Dance each year. It was fun to make these minature ones to put on these pages.

All paper is pretty much KI memories. I did cover the bazzill with glitter paint and added snowflake brads that I have had forever. I have no idea where they even came from! The acrylic is from Heidi Grace.

Here is the two page spread:

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Here is the left side up close:



And the right:



I just let myself go with these... a little more "junked up" than usual. The snowflakes are actually created on the back of another paper that I printed on. You couldn't read the text... so I embraced my mistake. That is something new for me! Maybe I am already growing with this process!

Here is the text since it is so hard to read:

12~02~06

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas! It is hard to believe that on the very first day of December, we end up with a blizzard that has basically paralyzed most of Chicago. It’s not unbelievable that we have snow… it is the timing! It was 60 earlier this week!

Christmas just isn’t Christmas without some snow. The blizzard outside is truly making me feel the Christmas spirit. I love the snow and can’t imagine living somewhere that doesn’t get it. I am blessed to have a car with 4-wheel drive, so I am able to get around when I need to. I have a husband who is able and willing to shovel us out if need be. But there just is nothing better than the two words I heard yesterday morning, “Snow Day!”

I remember one Christmas when I was in grade school. We had been home for a few days on break and we were making my mom crazy. I am sure my sister and I had argued most of the time! Christmas Eve arrived with a snow storm. We wanted to go out and play and I think mom wanted us out of the house just as much! Mom surprised us by allowing us to open a present before we went out. Inside the boxes were brand new snow suits. I still remember putting on my new snow pants and going out in the snow for HOURS that day. I honestly don’t remember any of the toys I got that year, but I do remember the details of that snowsuit!

As an adult, I still love new winter clothes. Each year, I treat myself to a new pair of mittens and matching scarf. Usually I try to get the warmest ones I can that still match my coat. Last year I bought a bright green coat which has made finding matching mittens a challenge! I have not bought a new pair yet this year, so that will be today’s mission. After all, the forecast for tomorrow is a high temperature of 20! Bring on the Christmas weather!


We've had a busy weekend, and I really want to post about that... will come back and do that later today!

Christmas Art Journal

In addition to blogging every day this month, I have taken on something a little more concrete. I have decided to journal about the Christmas season and create an art journal to showcase my feelings. I have wanted to try an art journal for some time, and this is the perfect time! I came across Shimelle's site, and decided that this was meant to be.

I may post some or all of my entries here. Other artists are doing this with me, and you can see their work here. Or you can even join us.

I am still working on the covers. I decided to make my own album and am pretty happy with the way it is turning out. I just need to put a few more details on. I have a feeling that the cover will be a work in progress throughout the month!

Now, here is my day one entry with my own personal manifesto and Day 1 page:



Here is what the text says:
12~01~06

This is the year. I am going to embrace the Christmas season. I am going to savor every moment and experience the joy that is all around me this time of year.

In the past, I have allowed the fact that we remain childless to take control of my holiday thoughts. I have lost the “magic” feeling that only Christmas can bring. It’s still there. I am going to find it, wrap myself with it, and spread it to everyone around me. I know I will have moments of sadness and reflection, and that is ok. However, I am not going to let it consume me. I am going to ENJOY the holiday season and the blessings that I have in my life, especially my amazing husband.

I will journal every day this December. By the time Christmas comes, I will have 24 pages that reflect the joy of the season. I will take the time each evening to write before Chris gets home from work. I know there will be days that I won’t want to write, but I will forge through it. These are the days that I need to be creative the most!

I will also allow myself to create freely. I will open myself to new ideas and try new techniques. I will not criticize my pages. I will not overanalyze each element. I want my inner artist to come out and play in the pages of this journal. It’s okay if the pages don’t match. I know that every page won’t be perfect. That is OK.

This is my Christmas gift to myself. This is the Christmas that I will stop being consumed by our infertility and embrace the spirit of the season. I will take the time to experience the moments with my husband and I will take the time to create this journal to contain those memories for years to come.

I am really excited about this. I am about to start working on Day 2's page!