December 12/ Day 11 Christmas Journal

I was inspired by another member's art journal to create the tree. I love the way it turned out! The photos are squares that show snippets of ornaments on our tree.

The journaling is hidden behind the photos and reads:

12-11-06
O Christmas Tree

One of my favorite things about Christmas is our tree. A few years ago we decided to go ahead and get an artificial tree after years of real ones. We had a near house fire one year when Chris decided to burn the tree in our fireplace. He forgot to open the flu… you can imagine the rest! I was adamant that I wanted a tree that looked as real as possible. I am very happy with this one. I love the fact that we can put up our tree whenever and not worry about it dying too soon. This year we put it up right after Thanksgiving!

I have a very sentimental tree. Sometimes I long for the perfectly coordinated tree, but in the end I really love the way we do ours. Maybe some day we will have room for two trees and one can be fancy and the other can have all of the important ornaments. Each year since Chris and I started dating, we have bought an ornament. There are cutesy couple ones as well as others that just have the year on them. I love taking each out of the box and remembering the year we bought it. I also have ornaments from former students, student teachers, friends, and coworkers. I love that our tree has meaning.

Chris always puts up the tree and strings the lights. He wraps the trunk with lights which makes the tree glow from within. I love to get up in the morning and just turn on the Christmas tree lights. I love the warm feeling and glow that it emits. Even as a child, I would sit with just the tree lights on.

Simba, Romeo and Patches all love the tree as well! We have to keep all breakable ornaments above tail height… otherwise Romeo’s tail manages to break them. We usually have at least one casualty each year! Simba loves the sleep under the tree. Patches doesn’t seem to care one way or another anymore!

I look forward to adding ornaments made by children in the future. I hope to be able to tell them about each ornament as we hang them on the tree.


I didn't get todays prompt started at all. Had to shop for Holiday Buddy at work as well as a secret santa gift for one of my online groups. Both of them need to be sent tomorrow! Becky is coming over tomorrow after work to work on the gifts we are making for coworkers. Not sure I will get to post at all...we'll see!

Still caught up.. but too tired to post!

I am still caught up! Day 11 is done, but I must head to bed!

I also did a mini album and ornament for a client. Only got a few hours of sleep last night. Bears game is on, but I will NOT be staying up to find out the results!

Have a great night! Will post day 11 tomorrow!

ALL CAUGHT UP! Day 8

Going to bed now! :-)

Christmas Journal Day 9

Decided to go out of order again. :-) Boy does it feel good!

Was hoping to get all caught up, but it is 9:30 and almost my bed time. I did get three days done today, though!

Here is day 9:

Pretty simple... these were the scraps that I still had on my desk! The tags hold the traditions I could think of in a random order (or as they popped into my head!)I did do the page in the wrong direction, too... but I am embracing my mistakes and using them as creative interpretations!

Cookie Exchange was fun. Came home with some great cookies and my peanut butter balls were a hit! Everyone loved my recipe cards, too!

Back to work tomorrow. Grades are due Tuesday morning. At least we have an early release tomorrow afternoon that our principal is "giving" to us for grades. Hope to get all done so I can come home and play tomorrow. Still need to do the Christmas Cards too!

Christmas Journal Day 7

Was able to crank this one out... journaling was already done and the idea was in my head. :-)



The journaling reads:
12-07-06

Christmas Shopping…

I have never been this far behind ever! As of today, I do not have a SINGLE gift bought! I do have the materials to make a few gifts for coworkers, but that is it. Strangely, I am not panicked yet. We really can’t afford to do the shopping until our next paychecks anyway. We’ll see how I feel a week from now!

For the first time, my extended family agreed to draw names. We have talked about doing it for years, but everyone was finally on board this year. I am happy with it and think that it will work out in the end. We are each to spend $50 on the person we have selected. In exchange, we are to tell that person what we would really like to get. This way we are all spending less money and getting something that we really want. Maybe the fact that I only have to buy for two people instead of everyone is helping ease my panic?

I always want to do something extra special for Chris. Somehow I want to make up for all the lousy Christmases he had as a boy. However, it’s just hard to surprise him with anything. He also limits the amount of money I can spend and then goes and spends twice as much on me! We also fill each other’s stockings. I am already thinking about some goodies that I want to put in there this year. Maybe that will be how I am able to surprise him!

Off to start the laundry and make the ornament for the cookie exchange tonight. Need to see if Chris is awake yet, too!

Day 10/ Christmas Journal DAY 10!

See... this Christmas Journal is already making me less stressed. I just did a page OUT OF ORDER! I still need to do days 7-9, but this one spoke to me and I knew it was easy. Shimelle knew just what I need to get motivated today!

Today's prompt was simple... wrap your page in your wrapping paper, add a bow and a tag. Then create a SHORT journaling section about your wrapping traditions. I haven't been short on one yet. It was hard, but I just let myself be brief!

So here it is:



The wrapping paper is from Hobby Lobby. I fell in love with it as soon as I saw it. Not very traditional, but that is ok with me!

The journaling reads:
12-10-06

I love wrapping presents… at first! The first few packages are usually very pretty with ribbon and bows. As it gets closer to Christmas, I usually just wrap quickly.

I try to pick a wrapping paper that reflects my personality. It is usually bright and cheerful like this paper. I use different wrapping papers for different groups of people. This helps me organize the tree and know exactly which presents to take when.

When I was a child, I remember that Mom and Dad always had a different wrapping paper from Santa. There was usually one for me and a different one for my sister. Santa never used bows! I am sure that is because mom and dad had to wrap all of those presents after we went to bed on Christmas Eve!

I am also heading out this afternoon for a cookie exchange hosted by one of the swim team moms. There is a reason I am so crafty... it makes up for my lack of cooking/baking ability! It took me over 2 hours to make these peanut butter balls. I overmelted chocolate, burned the butter... The recipe is really easy. I decided to make pretty recipe cards to go with them because I needed to restore my self esteem!



Back to work on catching up on the Christmas Journal. I might even post again today!

Quick Post

Only have a few moments to post...

**Staff party last night was a great deal of fun. We got home around 1:00 am and Chris was back out the door this morning at 5:00 am. Meet was in Dekalb, 2 hours away. Think he will be sleeping in tomorrow!

**Did some shopping this morning. Now I can say that I have started!

**Off to Chucky Cheese.... EEEEEEEEK! My sister is having the kids birthday party there tonight. Will only be staying for a SHORT time!

**Made peanut butter balls for cookie exchange tomorrow. Lots of work, but will be worth it... I hope!

**Officially behind now on Christmas Journal... but that is the plan for tomorrow and maybe even tonight. We'll see!

Off to the insanity that is Chucky Cheese on a Saturday night in December.....

December 7/Journal Day 6

So I think I am going to end up a day behind at least until the weekend! I have my staff Christmas party tomorrow so I don't even think I will be able to post. I still need to bake the brownies, wrap the white elephant gifts, and make dinner.

Another late night at school... special services team meeting. One of my least favorite meetings each month. Thankfully it was not too bad today! :-) Went to Target with Becky after school to help her pick out a birthday present for a friend's daughter. By the time I got home it was almost 7:00! Where does the time go?

Ok... I know you are really here wanting to look at my journal pages. This was another tough one for me. The prompt was to remember a not so great christmas and a great christmas and contrast the two. I took a little different approach and journaled about one Christmas that was both bad and good. The left side holds my "bad" aspects of that Christmas, which included losing my grandfather and having a miscarriage. I used the BG magnetic snaps to hold it shut. Boy do those things have some staying power!



On the other side I wrote about the good of that Christmas. Chris made it extra special with many presents and the constant reminder that we have each other...



The design is inspired by Cathy Z. Much more simple than I usually do, but I played with my text a little and am happy with the way it turned out.

Starting to panic about all I need to get done tonight... better go get started!

December 6/Christmas Journal Day 5

So I am a little behind. It's already after 8:00 and I only have Day 5 done. Looks like I might end up being behind until the weekend. We'll see!

This prompt was about Advent Calendars and couting down to Christmas. Here is my journaling:

There are 20 days until Christmas Day. Christmas really starts on Christmas Eve, so really there are only 19 days! It seems so far away and yet so soon at the same time. There is still so much that I have to do and so much that I want to do.

I have fond memories of advent calendars growing up. When I was in elementary school, my mother worked for a German company. Her main responsibility was booking the travel arrangements for the many executives in the company, often for trips to Germany. She was very well liked and often received small tokens from the executives when they returned from a trip. Each Christmas, she was given two advent calendars filled with the most amazing German chocolate! There was one for my sister and one for me.

Each day had a little door that opened to reveal a picture and a piece of this amazing chocolate. Opening the day’s door was one of the highlights of each day in December. One year the calendar even had pieces that got larger the closer we got to Christmas! I can almost feel those wonderful bits of chocolate on my tongue as I type this entry!

It has been years since I received or bought an advent calendar. I don’t know why. Maybe it seemed a little too childish for grown adults to get excited about a piece of chocolate. Maybe it was the fact that I haven’t really looked forward to Christmas for the past few years.

This year is different. Although I may not have little doors to open that reveal savory bits of chocolate, I do have a treat each day leading up to Christmas. I can’t wait to see the day’s prompt from Shimelle each day. Opening my email is just as magical as those little doors on the chocolate calendar. In the end, this journal will be my advent calendar. Maybe next year I will invest in some chocolate, too!

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First day with the new hair color. You just have to love middle school boys. More than one of my students said to me today, "What happened to your hair?" :-) One even told me he didnt like it, but maybe he will get used to it. Another suggested that maybe next time I should color my hair pink.

I came home today to a clean house. Chris cleaned this morning before going to work. I am so lucky to have such an amazing man for a husband. That left me more time to play tonight. I wouldn't have even gotten one day done if he hadn't done the chores for me. :-)

Should think about making dinner soon. I accidently bought a jar of MUSHROOM spaghetti sauce. Chris and I HATE mushrooms. Looks like I will be making some from the plain tomato sauce I have in the cabinet!

December 5th

No Day 5 Christmas Journal to share YET. I did the journaling, so I accomplished the one goal. However, I just didn't have time to create the page. It is all done in my mind... just need to get it down on paper! :-)

Decided to go get my hair cut today after school. On Friday night we went out to dinner with one of our High School friends and his wife. We had a great time at a little martini bar in Grayslake. Great food, great drinks, and even great music! Before we knew it, we were closing the place down at 12:30! Chris (not my Chris, but our friend Chris) and his wife, Cori had a great evening with us. Cori owns a salon in Mundelein and she cuts MY Chris' hair. I decided to go in and see her today. I decided to let her color it as well. I am getting used to it. I will try to remember to post a picture tomorrow maybe. I think it is really different, but Chris (my Chris) thinks it isn't that different at all. Tomorrow will be the test. We'll see what my students say! They are known to be brutally honest.

Tuesday is Chris' one night home early. Early being 7:30ish. By the time I got home it was almost 7. I made dinner and then we watched Friday Night Lights. I snuck back upstairs to read email and post this entry. I am not going to break my streak on Day 5!

I am planning on leaving school right after work tomorrow. Planning to get todays entry as well as tomorrows done. I also have orders for about 15 ornaments and an album to get done. I really should get started on that!

December 4/Day 4

It was really tough going back to work today! The kids were still groggy from having the snow day on Friday. Had to make up all of the things I had planned to do on Friday... but on a Monday. That is tough for my kiddos who so desperately need routine! On top of that we had a staff meeting after school so I didn't leave until close to 5. I had to stop at the grocery store as well since we have NO food in the house. It was almost 7 by the time I got home.

So onto Day 4 of the Christmas Journal. I was happy to discover that the prompt was posted before school this morning. I printed it off and then had the day to think about it. That was nice. I could steal a few moments for myself throughout the day. This was a hard prompt for me. We were supposed to describe our perfect Christmas without any negative thoughts or feelings. This was tough for me since the past few years I have really not enjoyed Christmas, so every time I had a thought about a perfect Christmas a negative thought would counteract it.

In the end, I decided to do some frank journaling about how in order for me to have a perfect Christmas, I really need to have a child. This really goes against the point of this journal as I am trying to get away from the constant pangs of our infertility. But in the end, it is my hope that this journal will not only allow me to truly experience Christmas Joy, but also provide some healing.

The page is pretty simple. I even decided to make this one a single page even though all of the others (all 2 of them) have been two pages. Rebel, I know!

Ok, so here it is:

The stamps are Making Memories. The artistic challenge for today was to use a photo that shows your perfect Christmas. Shimelle even suggested getting one from a magazine. This photo is from a printer advertisement in Family Circle. She reminds me of what I imagine our daughter might look like. The journaling is hidden in the file folder. It is a little more intense, so I decided to tuck it away. The basics are that I really feel that I need to have a child in order to have the perfect Christmas. I also talked about the "magic" feeling that believing in Santa brings.

The acrylic is KI. The santa is from a christmas card that was sent to us a few years ago. I pulled those out for yesterdays challenge, so I had this one handy. I used foam dots to make the pocket stick out enough for the folder to sit in. The folder is from Rusty Pickle although I covered it in KI!

Off to read my email. It's already 8:45! Hoping to get to bed a little earlier tonight!

Cover and Day 3

This is my cover. It is a work in progress! The papers are all KI Memories. Flowers are Heidi Swapp, Doodlebug, and KI. The letter stickers are Doodlebug. The cover is sealed with Sparkle ModPodge, which adds glitter to the entire thing.

I decided to make my own book so I could adjust as needed. More ribbon will be added once the book is finished. The pages are 8 1/2×8 to allow for the binding.


This is day 3's entry. The prompt was about Christmas cards. This is the outer pages without the overlay of journaling. Here is the journaling overlay:

This is a transparency with my journaling written on it. I then painted on the back of it with a very light pink paint. Here is what the journaling says:

12~03~06

I love Christmas Cards. I love getting them in the mail and I love making them each year. They are one of my favorite parts of the holiday season.

I love getting Christmas cards in the mail. I love reading about the lives of our friends and family both near and far. I know that some people are annoyed by Christmas letters, but I really do enjoy reading them. I just recently went through all of the cards that I had saved from years past. It was fun to look at photos and see how families have grown and changed over the years. I try to send a card to everyone that we receive one from.

I love making Christmas cards. I started making our cards shortly after we were married. At the time I did much more stamping and the cards were usually embossed. One of Chris’ co-workers told me that she framed my card each year! Talk about pressure!  I used to try to outdo myself each year. Not anymore. Now I just create whatever feels good. Last year I did the cards with my digital scrapbooking tools and I enjoyed playing with those techniques. However, this year I am going back to a more traditional card. I have the design in my head, materials gathered, and photos printed. Now I just need to sit down and create them!

Over the years I have also written our own Christmas Letter. I have been able to share the joys of the past year as well as challenges we have faced. As I look back on letters from years past, I am able to see where my faith was at that time. In the beginning I was hopeful and determined that we would have a biological child of our own. In last year’s letter, I was not so hopeful. I mentioned that we may even be considering adoption. We haven’t followed through with that. Each year when I sit down to write the letter I hope that next year I will be able to include information about our child. I am making a promise to myself right now and right here. This will be the LAST letter I write without a child. We will resolve our infertility one way or another in the coming year.

Here are close-ups of the other two pages:

That is last year's card as well as some cancelled stamps from years past. Envelopes is my current address book method, so I had lots of these lying around. My next goal is to get started on this year's cards and address list!


This year's card will go in the envelope. Notice that I said will.... it isn't done yet. It is done in my mind, just need to get them created on paper!

More on the weekend later... I am in creative mode and don't want to stop!

Christmas Art Journal Day 2

I will come back and post more later, but wanted to get these images up.

This is the day 2 entry of my Art Journal. The prompt was to talk about the weather with Christmas. We were also challenged to try making paper snowflakes! Loved it! Since I am a teacher, we often make snowflakes for the Winter Dance each year. It was fun to make these minature ones to put on these pages.

All paper is pretty much KI memories. I did cover the bazzill with glitter paint and added snowflake brads that I have had forever. I have no idea where they even came from! The acrylic is from Heidi Grace.

Here is the two page spread:

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Here is the left side up close:



And the right:



I just let myself go with these... a little more "junked up" than usual. The snowflakes are actually created on the back of another paper that I printed on. You couldn't read the text... so I embraced my mistake. That is something new for me! Maybe I am already growing with this process!

Here is the text since it is so hard to read:

12~02~06

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas! It is hard to believe that on the very first day of December, we end up with a blizzard that has basically paralyzed most of Chicago. It’s not unbelievable that we have snow… it is the timing! It was 60 earlier this week!

Christmas just isn’t Christmas without some snow. The blizzard outside is truly making me feel the Christmas spirit. I love the snow and can’t imagine living somewhere that doesn’t get it. I am blessed to have a car with 4-wheel drive, so I am able to get around when I need to. I have a husband who is able and willing to shovel us out if need be. But there just is nothing better than the two words I heard yesterday morning, “Snow Day!”

I remember one Christmas when I was in grade school. We had been home for a few days on break and we were making my mom crazy. I am sure my sister and I had argued most of the time! Christmas Eve arrived with a snow storm. We wanted to go out and play and I think mom wanted us out of the house just as much! Mom surprised us by allowing us to open a present before we went out. Inside the boxes were brand new snow suits. I still remember putting on my new snow pants and going out in the snow for HOURS that day. I honestly don’t remember any of the toys I got that year, but I do remember the details of that snowsuit!

As an adult, I still love new winter clothes. Each year, I treat myself to a new pair of mittens and matching scarf. Usually I try to get the warmest ones I can that still match my coat. Last year I bought a bright green coat which has made finding matching mittens a challenge! I have not bought a new pair yet this year, so that will be today’s mission. After all, the forecast for tomorrow is a high temperature of 20! Bring on the Christmas weather!


We've had a busy weekend, and I really want to post about that... will come back and do that later today!

Christmas Art Journal

In addition to blogging every day this month, I have taken on something a little more concrete. I have decided to journal about the Christmas season and create an art journal to showcase my feelings. I have wanted to try an art journal for some time, and this is the perfect time! I came across Shimelle's site, and decided that this was meant to be.

I may post some or all of my entries here. Other artists are doing this with me, and you can see their work here. Or you can even join us.

I am still working on the covers. I decided to make my own album and am pretty happy with the way it is turning out. I just need to put a few more details on. I have a feeling that the cover will be a work in progress throughout the month!

Now, here is my day one entry with my own personal manifesto and Day 1 page:



Here is what the text says:
12~01~06

This is the year. I am going to embrace the Christmas season. I am going to savor every moment and experience the joy that is all around me this time of year.

In the past, I have allowed the fact that we remain childless to take control of my holiday thoughts. I have lost the “magic” feeling that only Christmas can bring. It’s still there. I am going to find it, wrap myself with it, and spread it to everyone around me. I know I will have moments of sadness and reflection, and that is ok. However, I am not going to let it consume me. I am going to ENJOY the holiday season and the blessings that I have in my life, especially my amazing husband.

I will journal every day this December. By the time Christmas comes, I will have 24 pages that reflect the joy of the season. I will take the time each evening to write before Chris gets home from work. I know there will be days that I won’t want to write, but I will forge through it. These are the days that I need to be creative the most!

I will also allow myself to create freely. I will open myself to new ideas and try new techniques. I will not criticize my pages. I will not overanalyze each element. I want my inner artist to come out and play in the pages of this journal. It’s okay if the pages don’t match. I know that every page won’t be perfect. That is OK.

This is my Christmas gift to myself. This is the Christmas that I will stop being consumed by our infertility and embrace the spirit of the season. I will take the time to experience the moments with my husband and I will take the time to create this journal to contain those memories for years to come.

I am really excited about this. I am about to start working on Day 2's page!

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

So this is what my window box looks like as I type. Chris thinks we have at least 12 inches of snow. Nothing like starting December with a BANG!

Romeo LOVES the snow. He is trying to get me to let him out in it again right now... As Chris was shoveling, he was trying to catch all of the snow in his mouth... What a goof!

December 1st

I am going to try to post every day in December. It is a busy time of year, but I love being able to look back and old posts and remember moments in the past. I am sure there are things that have been forgotten because I have not written them down. (I guess that is what happens when you get old!)

So today is December 1st. I have several reasons to celebrate today:

1. SNOW DAY!!!!
I really do love snow. It is one of the things that I love most about living here in the midwest. Snow days are one of the things that I LOVE about being a teacher. The storm was predicted to come in over night, but I never really thought we would get a snow day. Usually the predicted storms never amount to much. Not this time! The first call came at 5:30 from Becky who had just gotten her call from the snow tree. As I heard the phone ring, I jumped up and yelled "YES!" Of course that woke the dogs and Chris up! The second call came a few moments later when I got my offical call from the secretary. I was snuggled back into bed after letting the dogs out when the third call came. It was a recoring of the superintendent telling me there was no school. So... no doubts about school being closed! It really is rough out there, so I am glad I didn't have to go in. Chris is still sleeping too. All of the schools and many of the large companies are closed around us. I am sure he will have to go in at some point. Thank goodness we have one SUV with 4 wheel drive!

A snow day also means that I can be sitting here doing this. It is a FREE day to do whatever I want! To make it even better, it is a FRIDAY so that means I don't even have school stuff that I HAVE to do today! I am hoping to start a Christmas Art Journal today and maybe get a good chunk of the Christmas cards done. We'll see!

2. Today, my niece Katrina turns 8
I can hardly believe that she is 8! I just talked to my mom and Kat is hanging out with Grandma for the day. Her school was also closed and my sister and brother in law both had to go to work. I think she is a little sad not to be with her friends at school today, but being with grandma is the next best thing!

It is no secret that my sister and I are not close. However, this little girl has brought us together time and time again. I adore Katrina, and would keep her for my very own if I could! :-) I love spending time with her. I really haven't done that much lately, so I am hoping to have a little girl time with her tomorrow.

3. Patches is 11 years old today
I am both happy and sad to see my furry baby turn 11. She has enriched my life beyond measure over the past 11 years. She has comforted me and been my constant companion through all of the trials and tribulations of my life. She is always happy to see me when I get home, and would do just about anything for a few moments on my lap. I can't imagine my home without her.

So, the sad part... I know that my time with her is coming to a close. Her health is good for the most part. She has a bum hip every once in a while and is a little cranky now and then. Bringing Romeo home was probably one of the best things I ever did for her. She has had more spunk in the past two years that I thought possible. She has a friend and little brother to boss around when I am not here. But I have to be realistic... 11 is old for a Dalmatian. I just pray that I will be able to make the best decision for her when the time comes.

4. My Christmas decorations are almost all up!
I really do love the Christmas season. The tree went up last weekend and the rest of the decorations are up as well. I need to do the banister today and then we will pretty much be set. I've been listening to Christmas music and really trying to feel the JOY of the season. Another reason for the post a day and art journal.. I want to embrace every moment!

5. I love my Husband more than anything!
We've had a tough few weeks, but I know that we are strong and our marriage will stand the test of time. He takes care of me and is able to deal with my craziness and sadness, even when he doesn't understand it.

Off to enjoy the snow... Shoveling isn't a joy, but playing in the snow with the dogs and Chris while doing it sure is! I will post some photos later once we get out from under the blizzard!

Thanksgiving Eve

It's the eve of Thanksgiving and the memories of Thanskgivings past are rushing back to me. I am thankful for the life that I have, and that is forefront in my mind. However, there is still much missing in my life. That becomes vividly clear on Thanksgiving.

My thoughts are always pulled to our last Thanksgiving with my grandfather. I had just had another failed fertility cycle and was left with HUGE cysts on my ovaries. I was on birth control pills to shrink the cysts. I was very angry. I was so sad that day and remember being very weepy as I thought about another year without a child. However, I was blessed with my family and I did have some time to sit and talk with my grandfather that day. He was an amazing man, and truly a patriarch of our family. I loved spending time with him and talking about our very different opinions.

Two days later, we had my niece's birthday party. We were all together once again and had some really great time together. It was unusual to have that much time together as I have gotten older and had a life of my own. I was able to cherish the time with my niece and my grandfather, even though I was aching for a child of my own.

The next week changed my life forever. I lost my beloved grandfather suddenly that Monday. For some reason, I came home from work early that day, and I was at the house when the paramedics arrived. I saw my respected and loved grandfather on the living room floor as the paramedics tried to revive him. I was the only one there with grandma as the paramedics took grandpa away. I knew in my heart that he was gone, but I just didn't want to beleive it. I had just spent two wonderful days with him and could not imagine him not being in my life.

I am not sure how I got through that week. I was involved with every aspect of the arrangements for his funeral. I had to be. I needed to be. I spoke at the funeral on behalf of the grandchildren.

I was so angry at God. Why did he suddenly take such a good man from us? Why didn't he give us a chance to say goodbye? I was starting to come to terms with God as the week went on. However, another blow to my faith came at the end of that week.

I reluctantly went in to the fertility clinic on Friday for what I thought was a routine baseline. Later that day, I was told that I was pregnant, but it didn't look "viable." What? Why would God take my beloved grandfather and then give me a pregnancy that wasn't viable? How could this be? Surely my grandfather was looking down on me and would not let this happen.

The next three weeks were gruelling as I held on to the pregnancy with an iron grip. My doctor and husband both wanted me to terminate the pregnancy as there was no sign of an actual pregnancy, just my body "tricking" itself. In the end, I had to agree and it was determined that it was in fact an ectopic pregnancy that would have killed me if I had not taken the treatment.

It has been a few years since then, and I am still aware of that grief and pain each Thanksgiving. My faith in God has never been the same since that week, and I don't know if my faith will ever be restored. I wish that I could have joy and peace in my heart on Thanksgiving, but sadly I feel the grief and pain. Each year, I hope that this will be the LAST Thanksgiving that we are childless, and each year I am facing Thanksgiving without a child. I know that I am blessed in so many ways, and I am forever grateful for my husband, my home, my friends, my family, and my career. I just wish that I could have the one thing my heart desires... a child.

Making Progress

Here is where we are at...

I wouldn't let Chris do much earlier this week... I wanted to make sure he didn't push it after running 26.2 miles on Sunday! :-) He worked on it most of the day on Wednesday and Thursday morning. He came home last night and did some more. The desk is in place... it isn't secured down just yet, but that is the plan for tonight. I was hoping to be all moved in before the end of the week.. but I don't want to rush it. I really want to have things organized BEFORE they go up into the pretty new space.

With that in mind, I really should return to cleaning my current scrapbook room. It's amazing what you find when you clean!

Colorgenics...

I love taking these personality tests... sometimes they are right on, and other times they are way off... this one seems to be right on...

Try it for yourself: http://www.paulgoldinresearch.com/

You are constantly trying to make a favourable impression and endeavouring to be considered as that someone 'special'. You are pretty good at using various tactics and strategies that give the impression that you are in control. Maybe you are - but you are constantly watching to see whether or not your endeavours are truly appreciated. Be careful... just as 'you' may be endeavouring to influence others, 'they' may indeed be influencing you.

Most people are conditioned by their environment and you are no exception. You are an extremely emotional person - so much so that 'the wrong word' can lead you to tears. You feel other people's pain. You feel the need of sympathetic relationships and a pleasant work environment in order to develop and grow. You are an impulsive, loving individual with a great deal of inherent feeling.

Everything seems to have gone wrong and the situation at this time is such that you are not quite sure which way to turn. So it would appear that you are 'holding back', re-consolidating your position and relinquishing all fun and games for the time being.

You are holding back. You need to find friends in whom you can trust and once they have proved themselves beyond all possible doubt you will be prepared to give them your all. The existing situation is not of your liking - you have an unsatisfied need for mental stimulation with others whose standards are as high as your own. Trying to control your instincts the way you do restricts your ability to open up to others and the way you feel at this time is suggestive of 'total surrender'. This is not to your liking as you consider such thoughts as weaknesses that need to be overcome. You feel that only by control, controlling your innermost thoughts, are you able to maintain your air of superiority. You want to be admired for yourself alone and not for what you can do or for what you may have done. In essence 'you need to be needed' and at the same time 'you need to need'.

You are greatly impressed by individuality and have interest in people who have outstanding qualities. You try to imitate those people that you admire and their characteristics, hoping that you will be able to display similar qualities in your own personality.

26.2

Chris is one amazing man... And he just keeps on setting goals and going for it. Running the Chicago Marathon was one of his "to-do's" in life. I am proud to say he achieved that goal on Sunday! He has been training since April, all while working full time and coaching. He was lucky enough to have a wonderful training partner who also happened to be his coworker. They were able to schedule runs during the day so he could fit it all in.

I was able to play "Amazing Race" and run around the city with my best friend, one of Chris' swimmers and her mom, and Amy's family. We were able to catch them three times during the race. What an amazing adreniline rush on the sidelines... I can only imagine what he must have felt as he ran! They finished the race just as they planned... in just over 4 hours!

My only regret is that I didn't take more photos. I was so caught up in the moments, that I totally forgot I had the darn camera around my neck. :uckily there are some amzaing photos taken by the folks at marathonfoto.com. I will be making a LARGE order with them as soon as they are finished identifying the photos.

Chris is trying to convince me that I should run in the future... we'll see. I am not much of a runner... in fact I am NOT a runner at all!

Making Progress in my Studio!

It is hard to beleive that this is even the same room! Chris has been working hard to get the painting done. The color is very calming and the lighting is perfect. In the morning, I just go in there and turn on the light. I can't beleive that I will soon have my very own studio! The floor is done and we are hoping to get the built in desk done this weekend.

My current room is a MESS! I haven't scrapped in almost a month. I am hoping to get some time in there this weekend. I keep dreaming about what I am going to do in my new studio.... Chris had to tell me to go to sleep on Sunday... I was just too excited! I will have space to spread out, but I will also be able to teach classes again. My friends and co-workers are already asking when they can come! :)

Romeo wants to play too...

Rules?

Warning... this is a vent entry! ;-)

Maybe it is because I am a teacher. By nature, teachers like to enforce rules. One of the challenges in any teacher's room is getting kids to follow the rules and understand the consequences of breaking those rules. I don't know of a teacher that doesn't struggle with the concept in the classroom. Sure, most of us have good classroom management, but getting the kids to understand the need for rules is tough.

I think I might know why.... it seems that there are adults breaking rules everywhere. It is one of my biggest pet peeves. There is a reason behind the rules, really. Today I was at the Y (starting to really get into a workout routine) and went into the locker room to change. There is an "adult only" section. I love kids... but sometimes I just don't want a child staring at me when I am changing. I like to keep things clean and dry when I am changing... kids don't always understand. :-) There I am with another woman changing in the adult only area. The rest of the locker room is almost empty. In comes this woman with her young daughter. She walks right into the adult only section past the curtain and the signs. I resisted the urge to say something.... but come on....

Issue number two... one of the rules is no cell phones in the program areas. Has to do with camera phones... and the annoying factor. I am walking away on the treadmill and the lady next to me answers her cell phone... not once but TWICE! Again, I resisted the urge.

I know that it shouldn't bother me... but as a teacher it does. How can I teach children that they need to follow directions when so many adults don't?

Vent over.

Too much on my plate

It is the start of a new school year... (we are really already halfway into the first quarter, which means the year is 1/8th over!) I swore to myself that I was not going to get myself so overwhelmed this year. So much for that theory!

The students in my classroom seem to have more and more needs each year. It seems that I am having to recreate my lessons each and every year making more and more adjustments to meet the lower abilities of the students. You would think that after 5 years teaching the same program, I would be able to use some of the same materials. I can, it just seems that I need to adjust everything. I want to be the best teacher I can be... I think any good teacher always wants to be adjusting to the needs of the kids. There are so many things that I want to do with my students. I get all of these great ideas during the day. I just don't have the time to initiate or develop most of them. My mind is spinning... I just can't seem to get things done.

I am the first to admit that I am a Type A person. I love doing things and need to feel a sense of accomplishment. I am my best when I am busy. However, I need to learn to find the balance. I need to accept the fact that there will always be more that I can do. There will always be more creative teaching ideas, there will always be more projects here at home, and there will always be creative endeavors that I want to pursue. I can't do it all. Sometimes you just can't give 100% to everything. In the end, there is only a total of 100% to give anyway... so how can I give 100% to teaching, 100% to my home, 100% to my marriage, 100% to my creative side, and 100% to my family & friends? It just can't be done. I need to come to terms with that.

On another note, I am excited to be the captain for TEAM McCLURE for the Walk for Hope here in Chicagoland. We are walking in honor of an amazing and courageous woman, Barb McClure who is battling breast cancer. If you can, please check out our team and donate if at all possible:


I need to go grade some quizzes, clean up the mess that Romeo made in the living room today, and also finish the design for our Team McCLURE T-shirts. Dinner is in the microwave, too....

9/11

It seems fitting that I am finally updating today. Today marks five years since our life as Americans was forever changed. I am never really understood when my parents explained that they remembered exactly where they were when JFK was shot or other events in American history. Sadly, I now understand. I will forever remember the moment I learned about the horrible attacks of 9/11/01.

I was in my first year teaching at Carl Sandburg. I was reading aloud to my students. My assistant was out of the classroom taking care of some things. She came in and told me quietly what had happened. I was stunned. At first, we thought it was a terrible accident. When the second plane hit, it became obvious that this was a planned attack on America. I was torn between my own emotions and protecting the students. I put the kids to work and started researching online to see what I could learn.

I remember an overwhelming unsettling feeling. I didn't know anyone in the buildings or on those planes, but I was scared. All of the wars that had been fought in my lifetime we on far away lands. I was removed from all of it. This was different. Would a war be fought on American soil? Would my life be forever changed? What did this all mean for the long term?

I couldn't get ahold of Chris right away. Unfortunately, he was at our infertility clinic leaving a sample. When I finally got in touch, I just wanted him to come home and be with me. I was scared. However, he needed to stay at work and be at the YMCA for people to feel safe there. I was angry... I wanted him to worry about my safety. In hindsight, I was simply scared. I mean really scared... terrified!

In the days that followed, I was obsessed with the news. I watched HOURS of tv. I needed to get all of the information I could. Information has always been my #1 defense mechanism.

Today, five years later, I am so grateful to feel safe and secure in my home. Life is different now in many ways. We are at war and have been since that day. I know how blessed we are that the war has not physically landed here on American Soil. My political beliefs are strong, and I also know just how blessed I am to live in a country where we have freedoms to disagree with our leaders and not fear for our lives.

I am proud to be an American. I am grateful for the freedoms I have and for the people whose sacrifices make American safe and secure for us. My heart still aches for the families of those who were savagely taken from us on 9/11.

In the end, I will hug my family a little tighter tonight and reflect on how lucky I am to be an American.

Anxiety

Ever since I was a small child, I would sometimes be overcome with a sense of anxiety out of the blue. I would try to figure out what was the cause, and usually couldn't come up with it. Its a feeling that something bad has happened or will happen. It passes after time, but it is almost paralyzing for the time. Sounds a little crazy, huh? Maybe it is.

So here I am in one of those moments. I tried making a list of things I have to do, thinking that would aleve some of it. Nope. I have lots on my mental to-do list. I have been on the go for the past week... maybe this is just a way for my body to tell me that it is time to just chill and relax. Who knows.

I am heading out in a little bit to meet my parents and sister for dinner. Today is my dad's birthday and he wanted to head up to the little "Taste of Antioch" they have in town. At least this way everyone can get just what they want! :) Chris has to coach practice, so he won't be able to join us. I am not feeling great physically, so I may only stay for a short time as well.

I have been spending too much money again. It is one of the things that frustrates Chris, and really myself. I think it comes from growing up without much that when we have money, I want to spend it in fear that it won't be there later. I really need to work on this. We have way too much debt, and Chris is really working hard to get us out. I know that "things" can't make me feel better, but I still end up buying silly things. I love Becky, but we have been doing WAY too much shopping this week. She will be gone all of next week, so I will have to just stay home and USE WHAT I HAVE!!!

My summer is quickly coming to an end... Next week is really it for me. We leave next Saturday for the YMCA National meet. We get back on August 4th. I will have to spend the following week getting my classroom together for the start of school the following week... Students start on August 16, and we have to report on August 14! And my studio hasn't moved any closer to getting done. That has to be my focus next week!

Ok... better head out the door. :)

one more for today

Just have to share this.... being a special education teacher, this really MOVED me...

Every OTHER day?

So I have a good excuse this time... we had no electricity! We had wicked storms come through on Monday night. VERY little rain with lots of thunder and lightening. We lost power about 10:30 Monday night. We heard the transformer "pop" so we weren't really suprised. That meant NO A/C however. We opened up the windows and that did help. Still no power when we got up Tuesday morning. Had to shower at grandma's house after I called about the outage. They had no record of our outage, and could not tell me when it would be back on. NOT a great way to start my day! So I ran away from home for the day! :) The power came on a little before 2 pm we think.

Becky is back in town... and I haven't sat still since! :) I love this girl, we are kindred souls and just love being together. We went to IKEA yesterday and hung out in her neck of the woods. Today she decided to come up to the "country." She is focused on getting ready for school already... I just am NOT ready to think about it yet. But she has made me! So, our day was spent running some goofy errands.

• We stopped at the local teacher store. They are in the process of moving into a newer much larger space, so they didn't have much. We did get a few new borders for our boards though.
• Michael's was the next stop. Becky saw this magnetic board at the scrapbook store we went to on Sunday and had to have one for her class. She fell in love with the magnetic papers too. I told her all about the XYRON magnetic cartridge. So, ,we had to get one at Michael's. She also got some papers so we could make her a few photo frames and other magnets for use on her board.
• We had lunch at Olive Garden.... salad, soup, & breadsticks! Yum! We laughed and she told me all about her cruise to Greece. Her new goal is to get me to agree to go on a cruise with her and Brian some time. We'll see! :)
• We headed to Hobby Lobby so she could get some fabric to cover her back board. We started using fabric a few years ago since it holds up so much better than paper. She wanted GREEN fabric. We found some great choices. They also had rub-ons 50% off... so I had to get some of course! :)
• Yesterday I saw some GIANT paper mache letters at Jo-Anns. We stopped at the one closest to me to see if they had them... NOPE. We'll have to check tomorrow when we go to lunch close to school.
• Our final stop was to Home Depot so she could get a new carpet for her classroom. It is still in my car. Can't go wrong with a 5 x 7 carpet for $21!
• We headed home and worked on her photo book she is creating of her trip from Greece and Italy. They are available through Archivers. Brian called and wanted to have her home when he got home so she had to head home.

I really should be doing something productive. I did clean the sinks in the kitchen before Becky got here this morning. Why is it that once I turn on the computer, I am sucked in and can't get anything done? :) I head that there is a new word for that... a "mouse potato" Guess that is me! :)

Whirlwind of a Week...

So much for blogging every day in July! :) I hardly had any time last week to even catch my breath, let alone update the blog. Here is the quick overview:

• Taught scrapbook camp at the YMCA where Chris works. Had a great time with 9 girls ages 8-13. Those are the finished books in the photo. I agreed to teach this in the Spring, but didn't put the dates together until the Friday before! So, I was creating pages a day ahead of the camp last week. All in all, I am thrilled with how the books finished. The style of the book was inpsired by my CKU album. Used up lots of my stash of fabric, stickers, and paper.
• The Y doesn't own a digital camera, so I stayed most of the day on Wednesday taking photos to be included in the brochure. The other branch is always in the photos, so this way Chris and Amy have a collection of photos to pull from. I still need to burn them to a CD for them.
• I am the guest design team member at Susans Scrapbook Shack this month. Part of my responsibilites included posting topic of the day for last week. Be sure to check out the site. Susan has an amazing site and is getting ready to launch an all new store soon!
• Our family has talked about having a garage sale for YEARS! Of course, we set a date and I didnt put two and two together. You guessed it... it was this week! We had gathered all of the crap from upstairs, but I hadn't priced any of it. So Wednesday night Chris pulled it all downstairs for me and I was up till after 11 pricing stuff. We got up at the crack of dawn on Thursday to take everything over to grandmas house and help set up. I ended up spending most of the day on Saturday in the HEAT working the sale. It rained on Friday, so mom and company decided to close it down. In the end I made $66, which was really fine. Whatever I made was a bonus to getting rid of the crap. My sister and uncle took two van loads full of the leftovers to goodwill this morning. We still have lots more that I need to get rid of. It will either go directly to goodwill or to the Y for the garage sale they have each fall.
• Thursday Chris and I worked a swim meet. A few parents from another Y team approaced us about running the computer for a community meet they were having. This was the first time that the club had ever used the software (Welcome to the year 2006!) It was hot and muggy, but it went pretty smooth and we made some extra $. That is always a good thing!
• My best friend Becky is finally back in town, so we spent all day Friday shopping with my niece Katrina. I needed some new shorts for our upcoming trip to the National YMCA swim meet. We discovered a great store called Torrid They have really cute YOUNG looking clothes for those of us that are NOT a size 2! ACtually, we are a size 1 in the store.... gotta love that! :)
• I have been looking for two of the newest scrapbooking idea books out there: The Me Book and Elsie's new book. None of the stores close to me have them. Sure, I could have ordered them online, but I have a need for instant gratification! :) So, I called Windy City Scrapbooking and sure enough they had them! So Becky and I took a road trip into the City yesterday. I love that store... we also stopped at a great wine store as well as the crate and barrell OUTLET! :)
• My cousin Gretchen graduated from HS in June, but they waited to have her party until yesterday. So I went right there after my trip into the city. Hard to beleive she is headed to college in a month!

Today was a day dedicated to cleaning house and doing laundry... it was nice to just relax and try to make the house more liveable again. I should get back to that laundry... :) I guess that wasn't such a quick overview afterall! Becky and I are heading to IKEA tomorrow and then have lunch plans on Thursday. I just can't seem to sit still! :)

Scrap Studio in Progress!

SO we are making progress... Hard to believe this is what progress looks like... but you can't imagine what it looked like before! There are still several boxes of garage sale things in here. I have been boxing the "keep" items most of today. Chris will be moving all of the boxes when he gets home so I can see what I have left to box up. We might even get the room painted before the 15th! Wow! :)

SO here is where we are at...

There is still lots to do! Once we get the boxes out, I can see where we are at. I am getting pretty excited! :)

Fireworks!

We went out to one of the local towns last night with some of our swimmers and parents. I played a little with taking some photos. I think I like this one... don't ask me how I did it! :)

We also went and looked at flooring options for the studio as well as paint colors. Now we just need to get all of the crud cleaned out of there! That is the plan for today. Chris put an air conditioner up there so we will be able to work up there today. He is still sleeping now... will have to wake him soon!

On a scrapbooking note, I am very excited to be the Guest Design Team Member at Susan's Scrapbook Shack. Be sure to check out this site... great store, great boards, great PEOPLE! Susan's Scrapbook Shack I am very excited to be part of this talented team for a month! My user name there (and most places) is Virtue75.

I have set a goal of 15 pages this month... right now I have 5 in process in my current space. One is almost done, and the others will be shortly. I have ideas for about 5 more, so it seems I have my MOJO back! With summer school over now, I should be able to have lots of creative time!

Summer School is OUT :)

Summer school is officially over now... school starts in 6 weeks! Yikes! I always have these grand plans of things that I am going to do over the summer. Hoping to get some of them done this year!

I have been feeling crummy the past two days, so I havent spent any time upstairs. I am hoping that Chris and I will have some time this weekend and that it wont be too hot!

We have a meet tonight... new computer software and new scoreboard. Wish us luck!

Quick post... but thought I would share one of my favorite photos from this weekend at the B & B

Old Photos...

I have been a good girl and have spent a little over an hour each day in the upstairs room that will become my scraproom soon. Most of the junk is OUR junk, but some of it was here when we moved in.

This home has been in my family for decades. My great uncle lived here before we did, and before that my great grandparents lived here. My great uncle never married and lived alone most of his life. He was a quiet man, but had an amazing sense of humor. He also was a very intelligent man and spent a great deal of his life working in television and radio. He was way ahead of his time! He was also an avid photographer, and I have come across boxes and boxes of old photos. Some are even negatives. There are so many amazing photos. But here is where the story gets a little sad.

I don't know most of the people in the photos. My grandmother only knows a few, and really doesn't know the story behind the photos. Photos weren't as easy as they are now. No digital cameras and no one hour photo labs. He really wanted each and every one of these photos. They all told a story. I may never know what story he was trying to share. Sure, I recognize the young face of my grandmother and even a few baby photos of my mother. What about the photos from his time in the army? What about the face of the young woman that appears in many photos? I won't even know. My uncle left his legacy in many ways, but I really wish I knew more about the story he wanted to share with these photos.

So this is WHY I scrapbook... Yes, I love the art of it. Yes, I love being creative and even love a little competition. But in the end, I want future generations to know MY story, to know what life was like for me. I want to be able to share the lessons I have learned so that they won't have to make the same mistakes. So.. that is why I scrapbook. :)

Scrapbook Parody...

Thought some of you might enjoy this:

10 years of wedded bliss!

So much for my goal of blogging every day! Maybe it will be a goal for JULY! :)

Chris and I celebrated our 10th anniversary last week. We took a mini vacation to an amazing little place in Lake Geneva. If you are ever looking for an incredibly romantic get away, check out http://www.lazycloud.com They really have thought of everything! The photo was taken on our second night there. I just love it. The glimmer in our eyes... we really are happy! :)

There are no telephones or TVs... which was perfect. Our lives are so very hectic, that it was nice to be "forced" to talk to each other. We had several heart to hearts and made some decisions about where we want to go. Hopefully we will have a plan and be heading in the direction of resolution by the end of the summer. I think being in this infertility "limbo" has really been hard on both of us and our marriage.

On other notes.. summer school will be over on Friday! YAY! I really have enjoyed it, but it will be nice to have my entire day to myself. By the time I get home it is usually close to 2, and I spend way too much time online and don't seem to be getting much done. I need to really get the upstairs cleaned out so we can get my studio moved up there. :) That is part of the master plan. I actually did spend almost an hour up there yesterday!

A friend of mine... Andie has a great blog and a great photo tips blog. She introduced me to
PaperBackSwap. It is a place where you can list your books and swap them with others around the country... similar to what you may have at your own library, but with LOTS more books! Be sure to check it out. And if you do, be sure to mention me or Andie as your referal! :)

I have some other photos to share... but blogger isnt playing nice this afternoon. Will post them a little later! :)

So I have been a bad blogger... one of my goals for the summer is to blog every day. We'll see! Romeo doesn't like to let me sit at the computer for any length of time, he thinks I should be playing with him... (he is barking at me right now as I type this!)

The school year is over... finally. It was a tough one, and I am glad to see it end. I am teaching summer school and that is really fun... to bad the rest of the year can't be this simple! I do get a "preview" of what is to come with my incoming 6th graders. Sometimes ignorance is bliss...

Chris is in full swing of swim practice now. He is really working hard with some of the swimmers. He really puts his heart and soul into these kids and sometimes gets very little back in return. It just breaks my heart. I so wish we had our own child that he could focus on...

And then we come to the "elephant" in the room. We've been on a break from treatment for what seems like forever. I am ready to move on... and Chris says he is, but neither of us has done anything. I am supposed to go have the e-tegrity test redone using a mock FET protocol, and then go from there. That is a $400 test not covered by insurance. Honestly, I am tired of spending money on this crap. But I also REALLY want to be a mom... so how do I balance the two? We have one more IVF covered with insurance. The original plan was to redo the test, and if it shows that I DO have the protein, then we will go ahead with the final IVF. If it shows that I am still missing the protein, it is decision time. One of our options would be to do the IVF to harvest my eggs, and then use a surrogate to transfer them... so someone else would carry my baby for me. I haven't done all the research yet, but I know that if we co with this route, she will have to be someone we know who has already had their own children. Anyone want to offer? JUST KIDDING... really I am!

I have also recently had this feeling that we are meant to become foster parents. I keep seeing signs that this is the path we are supposed to take. Chris is a little more hesitant and I know where he is coming from. He isn't sure he could handle having children taken after we have cared for them. I know that I will have a hard time, but I also feel that my life is missing something right now... that I have all of this to share and give to a child, and I can't. We both spend our days with other people's children....some who really don't care. That breaks my heart. I wish they knew just how much of a GIFT having a child is....

Ok... enough rambling for today! :)

Taking the Long Way

I fell in love with the Dixie Chicks a few years ago. I have never been much of a country fan, but they just spoke to me. I love several of the songs on the older CD's and listen to them over and over. I read an article about one of the girl's battles with infertility. I had even more respect for them after reading the article. I can say that I share the common bond of having to find a spot to "shoot up" with infertility meds with her, KWIM?

I am even more of a fan BECAUSE of the controversy that was created after a comment made. It doesn't hurt that I share their political beliefs. :) However, I admire them for not backing down from what they believed in, even when they were threatened and attacked for expressing an opinion and utilizing the freedom of speech we are granted by the constitution. They didn't back down when it became apparent that the comments would make them unpopular and affect CD sales.

I was raised to be a strong woman. My mom raised me to have strong values and to respect the rights of others. Many of our ancestors were not given the opportunities that women have today. I am proud to vote... That is my RESPONSIBILITY as a woman and a citizen. The irony is that my political beliefs are very different than those of my family... And they are ok with that! :)

Aside from the political aspect of the Dixie Chicks, I think this CD might just be my favorite one yet. :)

Off my soap box...

Role Reversal

So mom is now the proud owner of two new knees....

It is really strange to be the caregiver for a parent. It is one of those times where I really don't want to be the "adult" KWIM? I love her very much and it is so hard to see her in pain and uncomfortable. I have had to advocate for her and her care with doctors and nurses over the past few days. I have spent hours at the hospital. I have had to calm my dad's frustrations with the medical staff. I have had to calm my grandmother and assure her that everything was going to be alright. I have had to worry about my mom.... worry if she is ok, worry if she is comfortable, worry if she is eating, etc.... It is just hard.

I am taking today off... at least from going to the hospital. It's Chris' birthday so I am hoping we can have a nice dinner just the two of us. We'll see. I did have 33 balloons delivered to him at work. I haven't heard if they made it to him yet... Things are tight right now, so I can't do much as far as presents go. So I had to make an impact somehow! :)

Mother's Day Poem

I belong to several email groups for women who have battled infertily or who have suffered a miscarriage or other pregnancy loss. Most days I just skim through the messages. For some reason, I felt the need to read the posts today and came across this poem in one of the lists. My faith has been tested over the past few years, but this poem really struck a chord with me.


God what makes mother?

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard Him say.

"A Mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby's not with you?"

"Yes, you can," He replied
With confidence in His voice
"I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this God
I want my baby to be here."
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.

"I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child's smile,
With all the other children and hear it say...
'We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much,
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'

"So you see my dear sweet ones,
your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lesson's through.
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart
it's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start
Though some on earth may not realize,
you are a Mother.
Until their time is done. They'll be up here with Me one day
and know that you are the best one!"

Mother's Day Eve

Each year I sit and ponder this holiday. It used to be one of my favorites growing up. It was usually the first time we could be outside and sometimes we even cooked outside. The tradition was that anyone who wasn't a mother did all of the cooking and cleaning. Seems like a pretty good idea....

That is until you have been denied the title of motherhood for almost six years. I am blessed to have a good relationship with my mother and grandmother as well as my aunt. I would like to honor them on this special day. It also happens to be the day that we celebrate my cousin's birthday. But I can't do it... I just can't.

A few years ago my sister reminded me that I am not a mother. Now I don't think she really meant to be vindictive, but the comment she made has stayed with me ever since. As we finished eating this mother's day, she said something along the lines of, "You are not a mother, so you should be helping clean up." An innocent comment... but one that felt like a knife into my heart. You see, I would give almost anything in this world to be a mother. It wasn't that I wanted to get out of doing the dishes...it was the fact that just the fact that I had to be reminded that I do not bear the title of "mother" that stung.

As each Mother's day approaches, I dread the countless commercials about what a gift motherhood is. Each commercial seems to mock those of us who yearn so desperately to earn the title of "mom." There are days when I refuse to watch live television, relying on my TiVo to protect me from the commercials. I listen to my IPOD in the car so I won't have to listen to cheesy commercials about how to honor your mother.

Now some may think I am being selfish by not honoring my mother and grandmother on Mother's day. Maybe I am. But when you have dealt with the heartache of infertility for as long as we have, you learn when you have to be selfish... or more accurately practice self-preservation. You learn what you can and can't handle. Mother's day is just one of those things... I can't handle it. I know that my mother and grandmother wish that I would come and celebrate them tomorrow, but I hope that they understand that doing so would cause me pain that I just can't bear. I will be sure to make a point to spend time with them over the next week and share with them just how much I love them. Just not on Mother's Day.

It has been more than 6 months since we have spoken to our doctors. Chris was ready for a break, and I guess I was too. I am starting to really feel the pang once again. I suppose I am starting to come to terms that I may never be a biological mom, but I will be a mom in some shape or form. I hope that I will one day be able to celebrate mother's day again.

Please be kind to those around you without children... you may not know the whole story and they may be hurting inside as we celebrate the mothers in the world.

I made this!!!!

It is no secret that I am challenged when it comes to the kitchen. Some friends consider me quite the creative genius in other areas of my life, but I am pretty hopeless when it comes to the kitchen. Thank goodness my loving husband is not picky when it comes to eating!

I really wanted to do something special for Becky's birthday, so I decided on this fruit pizza for the class. Our students LOVE fresh fruit and usually can't get enough. So I decided to do this instead of a cake. It was painful to say the least. It was a challenge, and the cookie crust was not quite done... but in the end it got rave reviews. I don't think I will be making another one anytime soon! LOL!

Chris is the BEST!!!!

Becky got a new pink Razr cell a few weeks ago. I was just a little jealous. My cell phone is almost 2 years old and I was just tired of it. DH has always said that he thought Razrs were a waste of money. Of course, I had to disagree and have been dropping hints for the past week or so. Since we have Verizon, we can get the light pink one that no other carrier has. Of course, this is also the pink that Becky really wanted but couldn't get! :)

So Chris agree to let me go look and to see if we were eligible for an upgrade on our phones. Turns out that HIS phone was eligable, but mine was not. Being the ROCK STAR husband that he is, he agreed to let me have the new phone. Thanks to the AWESOME rep at the Verizon counter, Chris was able to keep his phone and I got my new pink Razr....



Of course, Chris is now taking every opportunity to remind me that I am now in his debt. Everytime he wants something, he just says, "Pink Razr" :)

I am spoiled... and I love my husband!

End of An Era...

A 1992 Cavalier… strange to consider this car as a symbol of an era… but it was just that.

My parents bought this car for me when I was a freshman in college. It was my lifeline to life at home and I spent HOURS driving between Normal and Antioch. It was my first real time of independence. I could go wherever it would take me. I traveled to schools for practicum and eventually to my student teaching placements. It allowed me to have a job off campus that I loved. I paid dearly for parking spots on campus and even had to fight my roommates for the sacred spot in our apartment complex.

We used the car as collateral to pay for our wedding. It was in this car that we took our first real vacation as a married couple. We drove through 8 states in 8 days that Spring Break. It was our reliable car as Chris was driving the Geo Metro at the time. IT was not always reliable, and required several alternators and batteries over the years. However in the end, it always came through for us.

As much as I liked the cavalier, it was time to move on and get a newer car. I was now a professional and wanted a “grown-up car.” We bought a Kia Sportage for me to drive and Chris started driving the Cavalier. We still depended on it, and it made the long commute with Chris to work each day. Eventually, it became apparent that we needed to upgrade once again. Chris bought a Malibu and the Cavalier became our back-up car. Sadly, that was really the last time it was driven. I was now driving a larger SUV and Chris had his Malibu.

The cavalier has sat in our driveway for 5 years. I guess part of me just didn’t want to get rid of it just yet. We talked about getting rid of it all the time, but just never followed through. It stopped working and had really started to show the miles and years. Chris finally arranged for our neighbor to come and take it to the junk yard. We were paid $50 and off it went.

So it is the end of an era… I am now more responsible and more grown up. We’re in our 30’s now. But I honestly had a pang of sadness as I watched him take our 1992 Cavalier away!

The Plague

has hit... okay maybe it us just a bad case of the flu, but I don't think I have ever been this sick for no apparent reason. YUCK! I've now missed four days of school and haven't been out of bed since Sunday night. I haven't had anything other than saltine crackers to eat since Sunday either. YUCK YUCK YUCK! I have finally stopped getting sick but now I just ache from head to toe. I did get caught up on General Hospital, though!

I am so lucky to have amazing people in my life. Chris has taken such good care of me. He was so worried yesterday morning and really wanted to take me to the ER since I kept getting sick and couldn't keep anything down. He was so worried. He was up with me all of Sunday night and even came home in the middle of the day yesterday to take care of me. He brought me pepto and sprite yesterday and has done a Gatorade run for me today. I just hope he doesn't catch this. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy!

Becky has been my lifesaver when it comes to school... I really don't know what I would do without her. She is one of the most generous and giving people that I know. When I called her yesterday morning, she was trying to get me to go to the ER all the while writing lesson plans for my sub. She has saved the day for me more than once. She stepped in so I could go to Florida, and has had to keep my classroom running for the past two days in addition to her own. It is hard to believe that we have only been friends for two years. I know that I could call her in the middle of the night and she would move heaven and earth to do whatever I needed. I hope she knows that I would do the same for her.

Chris' mom is here for the week. She is taking a class about the new embroidery machine she bought here in Gurnee. I had to clean up my scrapbook room as that doubles as our guest room. I am itching to get back in there to scrap... but since I haven't been out of bed for two days... I have some design team things to get done as well as working on some of my CKU projects. My mimi tote is still packed from CKU... all my goodie bags have yet to be unpacked!

Hopefully life will really get back to normal soon! Back to work tomorrow and Thursday and then we have a three day weekend. Hopefully my students will be ready to work when I get back! :)

Whirlwind

I am so excited to be heading to Florida thanks to the generosity of one of our swim parents. I will be spending some time with Chris, who I haven't seen for a week now. :( I am happy to be going... but feeling rushed and crazy!

Getting ready for CKU was a whirlwind. It was worth every hectic moment. I couldn't have imagined a better weekend. I'll post more photos when I get back from Florida.

I am just wishing that I had some quiet time... you see my head is full of all of the things that I feel that I "need" to do. I really need to get the house clean before I leave... I really need to get the rest of my things packed and ready to go tomorrow.... I really need to unpack from CKU still... I really need to clean my scraproom... I really need to write a few more articles for one of my DT's... I really need to finish a project for another DT... I need to finish my CKU album... I need to do lesson plans for the days I am going to be gone... I need to set up some IEP meetings at school... I need to.... I need to... I need to.... I need to relax!

Ok... it feels good to just get that out. My good friend Becky keeps reminding me that I need to just relax and enjoy the time with Chris in Florida. I know she is right... so maybe I should go do a few of those things that I "need" to do!

Elements of Style ROCKS!

This past weekend was probably one of the most amazing weekends in my life. Attending CKU was AMAZING! I am exhausted but very inspired. I loved my elective classes, but I could have skipped all of them to spend more time with the amzing Junkitz Ladies! Stacey, Janna and Teresa were AMAZING and made every moment of our album track fun and inspirational.


I love this album more than anything I have ever created before. It is like having a piece of my soul in a scrapbook. It is far from finished, but I can't wait to have the time to work on it. As much as I love my album, I loved the experience of creating it even more. The Junkitz Girlz are so real and took the time to get to know each and every one of us. The track was designed to make each album unique. I am just not a cookie cutter type of gal. This was a PERFECT track for me!

I was also blessed to have a great dorm... Robin and I joined last minute and they welcomed us with open arms. We were in the "Aged and Distressed" Dorm and had cute hats and nametags made by one of our dorm mates. Here is a photo of us with Tim Holtz:


I was also blessed with my table mates at my track... they made an already amazing experience even more fun! We shared lots of laughs and even a few drinks... It is amazing how quickly you can bond with complete strangers who share a common passion. Thanks girls for a great time... I hope we can get together again sometime real soon!



I really need to do some laundry and grades... Chris left for Florida this morning. I might try to make a short trip out there later in the week...we'll see if that works out. I really miss him... especially since I spent so much time working with photos of him! :)

Off to get some rest... and maybe grade a little....

Off to CKU!!!!

I am so excited to be off to CKU later this morning. I still have a list of things that I wanted to get done and didn't.... Oh well! :) I am excited to spend the weekend with 700 women as passionate about scrapbooking as I am. I was at dinner with coworkers last night and they just didn't get it.... it will be nice to be with people who get it! :-)

The downside is that Chris and I will be apart for 10 days... longer than we have ever been apart in our marriage! I get home on Sunday and he flies out on Sunday morning early. I am a little bitter about him heading to Florida without me... but I am more sad about being home alone for a week. Good thing I have the attack dogs here at home!

Just wanted to post a quick entry... off to try to get a few more things done!

After 6 years, you would think I would learn...

that I am not ever going to get pregnant on my own!



We are still in Miineapolis this morning... we decided to stay an extra night. We hadn't really had a chance to check out the mall. After dinner on Saturday, the swimmers wanted Chris to come back to the hotel and swim with them. It's hard to resist such cute faces! :-) So we decided to stay so that I could get my mall fix. A new bra from Victoria's Secret, Old Navy goodies, and some new shoes were all my treasures. (I also managed to hit 5 different scrapbook stores while Chris was at the meet on Saturday and Sunday!!!!)

So we had a nice dinner... just the two of us. Headed to the hot tub and enjoyed it until it seemed that the entire pool area was being over-run by little people. I don't think I have ever seen that many children in a pool area. So much for a quiet night. We came back to our room... and that's when it happened. Mother Nature ending my hopes that just maybe we would get "lucky" this time.

Since my surgery in November, we haven't done anything as far as treatment goes. I have had fairly regular cycles... anywhere from 35 to 50 days long. Every other time I have had some cramping or some other tell tale signs that my cycle was about to begin. NOT THIS TIME! I even thought I was "tricking" it... I pretended that I wasn't thinking about it. I had a beer with dinner, went into the hot tub... of course I am not pregnant. But in the end, my heart felt differently.

You would think that after almost 6 years things would get easer. That just isn't the case. It seemed that EVERYONE we saw at the mall had children... even children themselves! Life just isn't fair. We've paid our dues. We've grown as a couple. We're not perfect, but neither are any of our friends and others that we know who have been blessed with children.

I really thought I was numb to all of this. I don't even really know why this month is hitting me so hard. I just feel so defeated. I love my husband dearly. We have two crazy mutts who we adore. We both have careers that involve children. WHY CAN"T WE CATCH A BREAK?????

So here I am... awake at the crack of dawn while Chris finally gets to sleep in. I can't sleep as every dream I have is related to chilren or the lack of them. On a bright note, I am headed to CKU on Wednesday. I am going to throw myself into getting my homework done for that. Maybe I will be able to get my mind off things for at least a few days.