Remembering

Photo taken by ME at the 4th of July Parade 2009

 

Today we remember.  We remember those who have given the ultimate sacrifice for the freedoms we enjoy each and every day.  Thank you to those who have served and to those who are currently serving.  In today's climate, we often take the freedoms we have for granted.  I truly am filled with immense gratitude to those who have given their life for the USA.

I was so moved by the photos shared on The Pioneer Woman's website.  Please take a few moments to look at what "homecoming" means to so many of our military families.

A special shout out to my close friend, Mandy, and her husband Jim who is an active Marine.  Thank you for the sacrifices you have made for our country!  (I am also thrilled that I will get to spend the day with Mandy and her two little ones this week... can't wait!)

 Grandpa & me 1976

I am also taking a moment to remember my grandfather, who had a huge impact on creating the woman I am today.  He was taken from us suddenly in 2002 just before I learned of our first ectopic pregnancy.  I hope that he is taking care of all of my angel babies and watching over the child that will one day come to be our own.  He was a man of integrity and charm, and is missed as much today as ever.  He taught me what patriotism was and the importance of thanking those who have served our country.

College Graduation 1997

Take a moment today to remember.  Remember those who have given their lives in service, and those who have taught us what it means to be a true hero.

Mother Nature... Help me out, please!

Dear Mother Nature,

I think you have forgotten about me.  My monthly "gift" has now turned into a maybe every other month thing.  You've forced me to take progesterone for a week in the hopes that you will finally grace me with your presence sometime soon.  I am not a big fan of the side effects of this progesterone, as I am a tired crabby woman these days.  It has been 59 days since you last visited me.  You managed to find me in the middle of our trip to St. Lucia, so why can't you find me now?!

I can't start my Depo.t Lu.pron injections until you decide to show up.  With your tardiness, you have just cost me the chance of doing our final FET before I have to return to school.  In fact, it looks like I may have to miss part of the first week of school.  Really?  Why can't you just show up when scheduled for once?

I finish the progesterone on Tuesday and I sure hope that you don't take your sweet a$$ time getting here after that.  I take no responsibility for my actions if you don't show up in a timely manner!

Warmest Regards,

Mostly Worldess Wednesday

Here is where I wish I was right now...

(photo taken on our recent vacation to St. Lucia)

Grateful Monday

I saw this on another blog and thought it was a great idea.  Trying to be positive after a really long, hot day in a classroom without working air conditioning filled with adolescent smelly boys.  Ok, enough of that!

So here are the things I am most grateful for today:

1. My amazing husband who sent me an email that simply said "I love you" in the middle of my work day today.  Just what I needed.
2. Air conditioning that finally kicked in at school, in my car, and at home.  I am NOT a hot weather girl!
3. Romeo's big head that always seems to be looking out the window just as I pull into the driveway.  The amazing unconditional love he gives me as I walk into the door from work.
4. My sweet Patches who is also thrilled to see me each and every day just as she has for the past 14 years.
5. Having found the courage to start seeing a therapist and finding the *right* one.  She's been through IF personally and has helped me get through the past year of hell.
6. Friends who make going to work easier, even in the dog days of May/June when the kids are done!
7. My laptop and the connections it allows me to make with the greater global IF community
8. DVR- Being able to watch mindless guilt free TV at the end of a long day
9. My nurse at CC.RM- She always returns my calls and has time to answer all of my questions.  She has made the whole process of cycling/failing/trying again a little more bearable.
10. My thumb is almost completely healed after an incident with a mandolin slicer.  I can finally type normally again.

So what are you most grateful for today?

Skin Care Routine?

I have never been good with a skin care routine.  I know, I really should be.  It is just not something that my mom ever really did, so I didn't really have a role model in that area.  (She doesn't wear any make-up either, so I am pretty clueless there too)

I was out running my usual errands to get dog food and my hair products.  (I went curly girl 10 months ago, you can find out more about how I got obsessed by clicking here.) A new strip mall was built in the last few years that houses all of my must go places- PetsMart, Office Max, Bed Bath & Beyond, Old Navy, and Ulta.  This is one of my favorite Ulta stores as I think the associates are much more approachable and don't make me feel self conscious.  (Does anyone else ever feel that way?!)  I wanted to get some philosophy amazing grace perfume, and couldn't find the display.  Turns out, philosophy has a skin care line that Ulta is now carrying.  I was fortunate to end up talking to one of the "experts" on the line and ended up coming home with this:

(image from the official website- www.philosophy.com)

I have to face the fact that I am now 35, and need to start taking better care of my skin.  The kit was a definite splurge, but hoping I will be able to keep up with the routine and will see a difference in my skin.  I love the fact that the line is called "makeup optional" which definitely describes me! 

Has anyone used this line before?  Any thoughts?

I am trying to spend the next two months while I am on the nasty Dep.ot Lup.ron taking very good care of myself.  I am not a fan of lupron, and it doesn't really like me either.  So I am going to try to be VERY good to myself.  Hoping this is one step to making me enjoy just being me.  We shall see!

ICLW

Welcome to those who are finding my blog through icomleavwe!  This is my first time participating, and I am excited to be a part of this project.  I truly value the virtual community that blogging has given those of us walking the infertility journey.

I am a simple girl who married my high school sweetheart.  We adore children and dream of having a child of our own.  I have PCOS, which is our only official diagnosis.  We've done 4 IVFs and 2 FETs with our last cycle at CCRM.  We have stumped every RE who has ever treated us.  We are planning to do our final FET late this summer after I do two months of Dep.ot Lu.pron.  Our only other diagnosis has been "unlucky."  We seem to ALWAYS fall on the wrong side of the statistics. Please see the side bar that gives the abbreviated version of our infertility journey so far.

For those of you who are starting infertility treatment, please read my blog with caution.  I am NOT a best case scenario, and have been in the trenches for almost a decade.  While I started this blog as a way for me to process my own thoughts and be able to reflect on each step of our infertility treatment, I also hope that others can learn from my mistakes and experiences.  There are things I would do differently if I had them to do over, but I did what I thought was best at the time.

I am also an avid paper crafter and enjoy making cards and scrapbooking.  I am working on my photography skills and am trying to love running as much as my husband does.  I teach middle school and my husband is a swim coach.  We are blessed with many amazing friends.

Those are a few pieces of the puzzle.  :)

40%

40% That's the odds that Dr Sch gives us with our FET ending up with a positive pregnancy test.

Why?  He has no idea.  No clue why our FET didn't work in January.  We've managed to "stump" even one of the top doctors in the country.  Too bad there isn't a prize for "Stump the RE"  We'd be big winners for sure!

I asked lots of questions, and he honestly answered all of them. I am thankful for his brutal honesty.  That's why we chose to work with him.  I just wish he could give us a brutal answer other than "I don't know." When we decided to do this IVF at CC.RM, I wanted one of two things: 1) get pregnant or 2) finally have some answers as to why we keep failing.  Obviously I really was hoping for the first option, but the second would have been nice too.  We didn't get either.

So here is the gist:

• Has no idea why our FET failed, but *thinks* it must be some sort of uterine issue.  However, I have had EVERY test to rule out uterine problems, and I don't seem to have any known problems.  Blood flow, structure, lining, and everything else looks good.  Only known issue is the missing Beta-3 Integrin protein, which he feels was treated by the Letrozale.

• Which brings up the next point... he doesn't feel that there are any differences in Letrozale/Femara and Dep.ot Lu.pron treatment.  Told me that there are no studies that support one over the other.  Told me that he would suggest doing the Dep.ot Lu.pron this time just to change a variable.

• Also agrees that I should try the endo biopsy to "injure" the lining the month before my FET.  There are some studies out of Israel that are supporting this theory.  Dr Sch said it is a little bit "voodoo" but willing to give it a try.  Need to find a gynecologist locally to do that for me.

• Does NOT feel it is an egg and/or embryo quality issue.  He actually said he was "thrilled" with my quantity and quality of both eggs and embryos and feels I had the best cycle yet.  (I have to agree, but it was worth asking, right?)  We had the highest number of blasts we've ever had and ended up with 3 normals.  Thinks that is a best case outcome.  (Of course I think a BFP would have really sweetened the deal!)

• Does not feel that he would change the FET protocol at all.  Feels the protocol has little to do with success or not.  All of my bloodwork and u/s showed that I responded "perfectly" on the protocol that CCRM uses.  

• Does not feel that treating with low dose steroid would help, even with my family history of autoimmune issues.  Doesn't feel that immune issues are to blame, since I am having implantation failure, not miscarriages.  Did say that I could retest for antiphospholipid antibodies and see if that was an issue.  Would treat me with Lovenox then, not steroids.  Said that I could have been "normal" before and now have an abnormal result.  Will repeat that test with a lab here soon.

• If we chose to do another fresh cycle, he would not change my protocol at all.  He feels that we had the best cycle ever on the protocol.  

Bottom Line:  We should do the FET with adding Dep.ot Lupr.on for 2 months and the endo biopsy the month before the FET.  If the FET does not work, then he recommends another fresh cycle... and using a gestational surrogate.   Chris and I have both known that this was a possibility.  So for now, we will focus on the FET and wrap our minds around the idea that there is really only a 40% chance it will work.  If it fails, then we will start talking about using a surrogate.  Of course I want to start working on Plan B (or is it really like Plan Z by now?!) and will probably do some research.  We have a lot to think about.

Patches

My beloved Patches is more than 14 years old.  She is our first child, and has been a life saver for me over the past decade of infertility treatments and failures.  I fear our time with her is coming to an end soon.  She still has so much spunk, but her hips are starting to fail her.  I hope and pray that I will not have to make the call and that she will just slip away.  I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but for now she is still getting around and eating.  She has her moments when walking is hard or her hips just give out.  But I don't feel that she is in pain.    I pray that I will know when she is in pain and have the strength to make her comfortable.

So for now, I am going to cherish each moment we have.

Happy Birthday Chris!

Today is my beloved husband's birthday.  He's never been one to make a big deal out of birthdays, but I always try to make it at least a little special.  He went and ordered himself an iPad as a present, so I just bought him a few little things.

We've come a long way from the teenagers we once were.  We are now to the point where we have been together for more of our life than we haven't.  It hasn't been all a walk in the park, but I honestly love this man more today than ever.  He is the "lighter" side of me and always makes sure that we have FUN in our life, even when it is the LAST thing I want to do.  Happy Birthday Chris!

Random Sunday Musings

It is a sunny day here in Chicagoland. I am stuck inside working on school stuff... IEPs and grading projects.  Only 4 more Sundays before I am on summer break. There is just something stressful about Sunday afternoon/evening during the school year. 

Thank you to those who posted comments on my last post.  I am at a relatively good place, but needed to get those emtions/feelings out.  That's why I started this blog years ago.  I also think the virtual community that blogs create are one of the truly amazing wonders of the modern world.  There is something to knowing that you are not alone in the world and that others are right where you are.  When I started on this journey almost a decade ago, there were a few message boards and email groups that saved my sanity.  Most of those women have moved on now, but I am forever grateful for the support they gave me.  Now that I am in the "advanced" stages of infertility, it is nice to be able to once again connect with those who have walked in shoes similar to mine.

I am once again waiting for AF to show... she is a constant pain in the neck.  She shows when I don't want her and never shows up when expected.  My first cycle after our BFN was 49 days (which happened to be right smack in the middle of our trip to St Lucia...nice!) I am now on CD #46. I am planning to start my two months of de.pot lup.ron once she shows up.  Talked to my nurse at CC.RM and she told me to take progesterone for 7 days and then I should get AF within a week.  I was all set to do that, until I have some spotting now.  So for now I will hold off.  Of course, timing is of course not going to be ideal again, but what else is new?!  With my luck, she will show just in time for DH's birthday on Tuesday.  Our "top secret" plan is to do the two months of Dep.ot Lup.ron and then do the FET with our remaining normal embryo and her "no result" sibling.  I am still not 100% committed to it yet.  But that is another story all together.  I do know that we will not be sharing the detials with many people at all this time.  Lesson learned from the FET in January.

The projects are grading themselves, so I guess I am going to have to suck it up and get to work. :( 

Enough

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I think Chris and I are still really coming to terms that our FET didn't work. You would think that after a decade on this journey, we would be better equipped to deal with failure. Yet, it seems to get harder with each passing year. I've written this before, but this cycle just felt different. We were at one of the best clinics in the country with a great staff of nurses and a world renowned Reproductive Endocrinologist. Everything went according to plan and my body appeared to be doing exactly what it was supposed to do for once. I followed the strict guidelines that were prescribed. It simply wasn't enough.

It wasn't enough. I think that is where I am stuck. All of my insecurities, heartache, & fears can all be summed up in those three words. I wonder if it will ever be enough. We will ever be able to do enough? When will we know it is enough and we have to walk away from our dreams of being parents?

As a child and a young woman, I always believed that if you worked hard and followed the rules you would be rewarded. This is the root of the American Dream. Be a good person, work hard, and you will achieve all of your dreams. It is the very essence that I have lived my life on. I worked hard in school, earned a college scholarship, and graduated with honors and a double major. I met the man of my dreams while still in high school and had the almost* fairytale wedding. (* due to a family member's car accident, but that is another story all together) I have a "noble" career as a teacher and have given 110% into my classrooms. We've pulled out of financial issues to own our own home and live relatively debt free. (except for the medical bills, I'll get to that too...) We are surrounded by good friends who enrich our lives. We're aunt and uncle, godparent, and mentor to many amazing children. Why isn't all of this enough?

There are two parts to that question. First, why isn't our life enough as it is? Why can't we just be happy with our rich life and accept that we are not meant to be parents? I've spent a great deal of time pondering that question. The answer is far from simple. As of this moment, I just can't imagine not having children. I love my life, but it honestly feels empty without a child. I love my husband, and because of that love I want nothing more than to see him in the role of father. I love my job and Chris loves his job. Our careers are child-centered. While this is so very rewarding, it makes us yearn for our own child even more. We enjoy spending time with our friends and their children and yet it makes us want to be able to share those relationships with a child. So in the end, having all of these amazing things in our life makes us want to have children even more.

The other side... Why isn't all we've done in treatment enough? Why can't we be one of the "lucky" ones.  I have always been considered "young" even now at 35, I am on the young end of the spectrum with my current RE.  I have dealt with almost all of the issues that could explain our infertility.  We fall into the "unexplained" category now.  With this last cycle, we did EVERYTHING we were supposed to do.  We spent the money to go to the BEST clinic, and did the extra testing to assure that our embryos were normal.  I did extra bed rest.  I did all sorts of "positive thinking".  It wasn't enough.

There is a part of me that takes all of this personally.  Maybe I am not enough.  I am not enough of a woman.  I am not enough to be a parent.  So I am left wondering... what does it mean to be enough?

A touching video

This video was created in response to Resolve's National Infertility Awareness Week. It spoke to me, and I wish I was able to convey my thoughts as beautifully was this woman did.

What IF? A Portrait of Infertility from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

I had a nasty accident with a mandolin slicer, so I am unable to type out the long post I would like to. My thumb is on the mend, so be on the lookout for a long post soon.

Maybe I will just blog in photos...

I have lots of emotion and thoughts in my mind right now. We are still coming to terms with our failure this February. I am still surpisingly raw from the whole ordeal, and the upcoming Mother's Day isn't making it any easier. I don't really have words to express myself right now, so for now I will update with some photos that illustrate what I've been doing lately in order to ignore the fact that we are still in limbo in the whole infertility world.

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Here are some cards I made for a silent auction. One of the amazing women who subbed for me when I was in Colorado is good friends with a woman who is battling a rare form of cancer. I wanted to do something, so I made these cards for the silent auction. Rumor has it they went for $25. Every little bit helps I am sure. Here is a link to the site: Team Kelly I think they are planning more fundraisers in her honor.

I used Fancy Pants papers and My Mind's Eye cards as well as an assortment of brads and flowers. The box is actually a Godiva Chocolate box that I recovered. The cards went together so well that I have actually made a few more sets!

Chris and I also got the window boxes and planters planted this weekend. It's early for the midwest, but I figure we can bring them in if it looks like frost and they will be in full bloom sooner. It just makes the front of the house look so much nicer. Please excuse the "rustic" paint on the house...

Left Flower Pot- I am in LOVE with these daisies. I hope they keep blooming!

Hope that everything in this drapes down nicely!

Right side of the house Fresh mulch but nothing much in the beds yet. Might be doing some construction this summer, so don't plan on doing much in the beds. Might add a few more planters instead.

And one final photo... this is one of my good friends and coworkers and I. She has been such a source of strength for me over the past year. Photo was taken at our annual trip to Miller Park to see our Cubbies take on the Milwaukee Brewers.