I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I think Chris and I are still really coming to terms that our FET didn't work. You would think that after a decade on this journey, we would be better equipped to deal with failure. Yet, it seems to get harder with each passing year. I've written this before, but this cycle just felt different. We were at one of the best clinics in the country with a great staff of nurses and a world renowned Reproductive Endocrinologist. Everything went according to plan and my body appeared to be doing exactly what it was supposed to do for once. I followed the strict guidelines that were prescribed. It simply wasn't enough.
It wasn't enough. I think that is where I am stuck. All of my insecurities, heartache, & fears can all be summed up in those three words. I wonder if it will ever be enough. We will ever be able to do enough? When will we know it is enough and we have to walk away from our dreams of being parents?
As a child and a young woman, I always believed that if you worked hard and followed the rules you would be rewarded. This is the root of the American Dream. Be a good person, work hard, and you will achieve all of your dreams. It is the very essence that I have lived my life on. I worked hard in school, earned a college scholarship, and graduated with honors and a double major. I met the man of my dreams while still in high school and had the almost* fairytale wedding. (* due to a family member's car accident, but that is another story all together) I have a "noble" career as a teacher and have given 110% into my classrooms. We've pulled out of financial issues to own our own home and live relatively debt free. (except for the medical bills, I'll get to that too...) We are surrounded by good friends who enrich our lives. We're aunt and uncle, godparent, and mentor to many amazing children. Why isn't all of this enough?
There are two parts to that question. First, why isn't our life enough as it is? Why can't we just be happy with our rich life and accept that we are not meant to be parents? I've spent a great deal of time pondering that question. The answer is far from simple. As of this moment, I just can't imagine not having children. I love my life, but it honestly feels empty without a child. I love my husband, and because of that love I want nothing more than to see him in the role of father. I love my job and Chris loves his job. Our careers are child-centered. While this is so very rewarding, it makes us yearn for our own child even more. We enjoy spending time with our friends and their children and yet it makes us want to be able to share those relationships with a child. So in the end, having all of these amazing things in our life makes us want to have children even more.
The other side... Why isn't all we've done in treatment enough? Why can't we be one of the "lucky" ones. I have always been considered "young" even now at 35, I am on the young end of the spectrum with my current RE. I have dealt with almost all of the issues that could explain our infertility. We fall into the "unexplained" category now. With this last cycle, we did EVERYTHING we were supposed to do. We spent the money to go to the BEST clinic, and did the extra testing to assure that our embryos were normal. I did extra bed rest. I did all sorts of "positive thinking". It wasn't enough.
There is a part of me that takes all of this personally. Maybe I am not enough. I am not enough of a woman. I am not enough to be a parent. So I am left wondering... what does it mean to be enough?
I'm so sad for you, reading your post. I don't know what it must be like to go through so many failed cycles over so many years. My heart goes out to you and your husband.
ReplyDeleteIf I can give you my $.02 - may I suggest you check out the book Conquering Infertility by Alice Domar. Its not so much about how to treat IF, but how to cope with living with IF.
Good luck and God bless.
You are enough! I hate that infertility has robbed you of your self worth, you are a special person who will make a wonderful mother.
ReplyDeleteI know how awful it is to be so young and feel like everyone succeeds but you. It sucks. It hurts like h-e-l-l to fail at one of the best clinics, but that is where we both are. We may be failures at getting pregnant, but we are not failures in life and we are enough. We just have to remind ourselves of this.
((Hugs))
You are enough, today, in this very moment.
ReplyDeleteI agree that having infertility despite leading an honorable life and trying very hard to do everything right really does a number on your self-esteem. And I don't really buy into the whole 'everything happens for a reason' thing because really? In the end it seems to boil down to biology and luck. For some reason that even the best of the best can't always figure out, some people don't end up being able to conceive genetic children. And it sucks (but you don't need me to tell you that).
I know that the only way my DH and I have been able to move forward is to start thinking about other ways of fulfilling our dreams, and it has made an enormous difference. But every person has to move at their own pace, and obviously certain options just aren't open/possible for everyone.
I don't know. I'm rambling. But you're not alone. I think you fell much much further than we did because you're right--it SHOULD HAVE WORKED. You had everything on your side and still wound up on the wrong side of the statistics. And it makes me angry for you.
Thinking of you.
But you are enough. Ask any of your students, ask your husband, ask any of the people whose lives you have touched and they will tell you...you just have to believe it :)