Once again waiting for AF

I feel like I have spent half of the last 10 years waiting for AF to show. Sometimes I wanted her to come, and other times I dreaded her arrival. Once again I am waiting for her to show her ugly face.

I called my beloved nurse today and left a message. She told me to call sometime around 30 days after I stopped all meds if AF didn't show on her own.

It's been 37 days.

Am I surprised? Not one bit.

I had a message from a nurse I have never spoken to because both my nurse and my "back-up" nurse are off today. Nurse #2 is supposed to be in tomorrow. I didn't want to go through my whole story with someone new, so I decided I will just call back tomorrow. What's one more day at this point?

Here is the crazy part... I find myself actually fantasizing that I am in fact pregnant again. Like that is the reason that AF hasn't shown. You would think that after almost a DECADE of infertility, I wouldn't still have such silly little fantasies. But then I start thinking, I've never been that pregnant before, maybe my body has it all figured out now.

So I will POAS tomorrow. Not because I think my fantasy will come true, but because I know that the nurse will ask. I still have one left from last month. This way I can use it up and not have any of them left in the house at all.

In all reality, I am sure my hormones are just all out of whack and that it is going to take some medical intervention to bring on AF. A miscarriage and PCOS? Sounds like the perfect cocktail for the never ending cycle.

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In non-infertility news, the house repairs are almost done. We just need gutters and the exterior will be finished. I smile each time I pull into the driveway and see the yellow siding. (I grumble a little when I pull in next to the dumpster that the contractors have yet to remove) I came home today and Chris had finished some of the painting repairs from the water damage inside. I decided to go bold and chose a deep purple for one wall. I LOVE it. I will feel so much better once my house is somewhat put back together. It will be nice to have one part of the chaos under control.

Coming to terms

I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I might just be a tad depressed. I am hoping that PMS is partially to blame, or at least hormone fluctuations. I seem to get teary several times a day about things. I hope that I will be able to manage this over the next few days and be on my way back "up"

I have to spend all day tomorrow at a meeting/inservice for the special education teachers for the district. REALLY not looking forward to it. These are always intense and I am pretty sure I am going to get my hands slapped about some assessments that I am behind on. With my current emotional state, that might be the recipe for disaster. We'll see.

On a bright note, the siding is ALL DONE! We just need to have one more window replaced and the gutters installed and everything is done. Chris has been working on repairs on the inside as well. I am hopeful that we will have all of the storm related repairs will be done by Thanksgiving. Hopefully I can get my studio put back together by then too. I need to pick a paint color for the wall that goes up the stairs to the studio. I am leaning towards a bold color. I stopped and got some paint samples.

We've filled out most of the adoption application. Chris and I need to fill out a few questions together. I am hoping we can do that tonight. We are still not in "sync" and I feel that he still needs to have his breakdown about all of this. I don't think he has allowed himself to grieve yet, and is just keeping it all bottled up. I think that is why he is so focused on "moving on" because he doesn't want to think about what the last year, and especially the last month has held for us.

With the time change, it is now pitch black by 5:00 every night. That's not helping my mood much, either. I feel like I should be getting ready for bed, and I haven't even started dinner yet! I do love the fact that I am driving to work in the daylight, but know that won't last much longer, either!

I have lots of thoughts swirling in my head for blog posts I want to write and hope to get some of them out soon. My heart is breaking for some of my fellow IF vets who have experienced losses and negatives in the past week. It's just not fair. These women have endured so much and put so much into their cycles. I am thankful for the support of the blogging community and knowing that I am not alone in this struggle.

One step forward, two steps back

So much for feeling normal again. I did feel pretty "ok" over the weekend for the most part.

Today I met with my therapist. She said the "D" word to me... she thinks I might be depressed. While I know many of you might be saying, "Duh," I was really thinking that I had a handle on things. Due to my family history of mental health issues, I get nervous when people start talking about depression. I have fought hard to stay out of that path even with all of the crap the universe has thrown at me. I did spend some time in the land of depression a few years ago, and I don't want to go back. However, I know that this is situational for me, and not a chronic issue as it is for my family members. I have to keep reminding myself of that.

She also feels that I might just be hitting the "rock bottom" at this point and that things are going to get better from here. I just have so many unresolved feelings about the miscarriage and moving forward. I have a great deal of anger about the recent turn of events and the obstacles that are ahead of us as we move forward into the adoption world. Right now, I feel like I am just going through the motions of daily life. I know this is all to be expected, but I really thought I had control. But really, do any of us have any control?

Just reading the adoption application has opened some old wounds. As a veteran of the infertility world, I have spent years trying to become a parent. And time and time again I have been knocked down. You feel like the universe is trying to tell you that you are not meant to be a parent. And then you start down the adoption road, and every step of the way you are forced to prove that you are meant to be a parent. In my heart, I know that Chris and I are meant to be parents. My head is having a hard time wrapping around the idea. And if my head is having a hard time, how am I supposed to prove that we are going to be good parents and deserve the right to parent? It's a hard shift to make. If any of you are reading and can help me make this shift, I would be grateful.

Thank you all for your kind words. There are days that I feel that no one understands where I am coming from. Knowing that there are people out there that have been in my shoes makes it easier to take steps forward.

In house news, the siding guys didn't come today. There is ONLY ONE SIDE LEFT. Can't just one thing fall into place? Hoping that they come tomorrow and that we can finally have one part of our life under control.

Progress on the House...

After my angry post yesterday, I thought I would follow up with a more positive one.

They finished two sides of the house with the new yellow siding. It sure makes me happy!

Here is the front as it was tonight.... (there is still more to do, like the light and the gutters... and the siding on the second story)

You can see the corner of the GIANT dumpster at the right edge of the photo. Boy, will I be glad when it is GONE! The front door is new as well, and I love the scrolled doorknob we installed.

Here is one of the side of the house. This is the side that took most of the damage from the storm when a chimney that used to live between the two smaller windows came crashing down. It was a non-functional chimney that was probably used to heat the home in years past.


And just to add more things that make me happy...

Here are my two geriatric pets snuggling together. Both of them are not in great health, and I know that we are going to have to make some tough decisions. For now, I am just going to enjoy moments like this one.
And then there is Romeo. I was trying to carry in groceries and he really wanted to play. He pulled this "stick" out of the bushes next to our house. He really thought I was going to play fetch with it. (Please ignore the state of my yard. Construction + Dogs = muddy mess of a yard!)



Chris did talk to the adoption agency today and they are sending out the information packet. It's a small step.

Hope you are all having a good night.

Maybe I will just blog in photos...

I have lots of emotion and thoughts in my mind right now. We are still coming to terms with our failure this February. I am still surpisingly raw from the whole ordeal, and the upcoming Mother's Day isn't making it any easier. I don't really have words to express myself right now, so for now I will update with some photos that illustrate what I've been doing lately in order to ignore the fact that we are still in limbo in the whole infertility world.

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Here are some cards I made for a silent auction. One of the amazing women who subbed for me when I was in Colorado is good friends with a woman who is battling a rare form of cancer. I wanted to do something, so I made these cards for the silent auction. Rumor has it they went for $25. Every little bit helps I am sure. Here is a link to the site: Team Kelly I think they are planning more fundraisers in her honor.

I used Fancy Pants papers and My Mind's Eye cards as well as an assortment of brads and flowers. The box is actually a Godiva Chocolate box that I recovered. The cards went together so well that I have actually made a few more sets!

Chris and I also got the window boxes and planters planted this weekend. It's early for the midwest, but I figure we can bring them in if it looks like frost and they will be in full bloom sooner. It just makes the front of the house look so much nicer. Please excuse the "rustic" paint on the house...

Left Flower Pot- I am in LOVE with these daisies. I hope they keep blooming!

Hope that everything in this drapes down nicely!

Right side of the house Fresh mulch but nothing much in the beds yet. Might be doing some construction this summer, so don't plan on doing much in the beds. Might add a few more planters instead.

And one final photo... this is one of my good friends and coworkers and I. She has been such a source of strength for me over the past year. Photo was taken at our annual trip to Miller Park to see our Cubbies take on the Milwaukee Brewers.