10 Weeks & NIAW

(another mostly baby related post, but NIAW thoughts at the bottom)

My sweet boy is ten weeks old today.  I almost can't remember what it was like not to have him, and yet every day I am pinching myself that he is really part of our family.  

The transition back to work has been challenging.  I am sad that I had to come back so soon.  I honestly expected to still be home since we would have had two babies by now, and two 6 weeks of paid time.  I am sad that the circumstances meant I had to return when he was only 8 weeks old, but I am so happy that summer vacation is around the corner.  We're slowly adjusting our lives, and I am honestly exhausted.  We are so fortunate to work opposite schedules that allows Quinn to be with one of us at all times.  However, that means that we are almost always alone with him, so there isn't much down time. 

I get up with him in the morning- sometimes at 4 am (like this morning) and sometimes he lets me get ready for work before he wakes at 6 am.  I am out the door by 7, and he is in daddy's hands for the day.  He gives daddy at least two long naps during the day.  Chris takes him to the pool with him around 3, and I pick him up from there.  Sometimes its a quick hand off in the parking lot, and other times he gets a few moments with the kids at the pool.  I have some cuddle time and then make dinner while he chills in his bouncy seat in the kitchen.  This week he has really started to look at the lights and rattles on his bouncy.  He usually only takes short cat naps for me and I try to do a few chores each night in those rare moments.  Daddy gets home around 9:45 and eats his dinner.  I get him ready for bed, and then he gets some quality time with Chris when I head to bed around 10:30.  He usually goes down for the night somewhere between 10:15 and 11:00 and sleeps through to 4 or 6 in the morning.   We do it all over again each day. 

On Monday we went to see my good friend and coworker and her daughter.  It was nice enough out that we went for a walk with the babies.  It was nice to have some time with her.  It took us so long to become parents, that I honestly wondered if I was ever going to have friends with kids the same age.  I feel so lucky to have two coworkers and friends with little ones within weeks of Quinn.  He is the oldest of the bunch.  Miss Isabel is 7 weeks younger- so she is three weeks old today.  She is quite the dainty little thing and perfect in every way.  Here are the two of them together...

I still have to write out how things have fallen with M.  I need to share with all of you, and I need to document it here so that I have it.  I promise to get to that soon.  We're still heartbroken, and angry with the way that things went down.  We knew that we were taking a financial risk with the situation, and will hopefully be able to recoup most of our expenses through the adoption tax credit over the next few years.  Our attorney is working with us to be able to claim both adoptions- even though one is considered a "failed" placement.  M did reach out to Chris earlier this week telling us that she is sorry and that she still is committed to the adoption plan.  We're not sure what that really means, but we know that the father is in the picture now.  We are NOT hopeful that this will end up with an adoptive placement after all.  We are realistic, and given the way things have happened, we aren't even really sure that we would accept a placement at this time.  We don't expect her to contact us again.  We know that she is in crisis, and sees us as a life preserver.  We know that she is struggling, but we still don't know any details about the baby and if he is in fact with her.  We believe he is in her custody.  Our hearts ache for that little baby, and wish that we could have the peace of knowing he is going to be ok.  But the reality is that we may never know.

Thank you for your support and kindness towards us.  We are good.  We are sad and heartbroken over M, but we are full of light and joy with our little man.  As I have said before, it all doesn't make sense, and I don't think it ever will.  However, looking into my sweet boy's face makes it all worth it. 

It's National Infertility Awareness Week, and I feel that I haven't acknowledged that in a way that I usually do.  It's hard being in this limbo place.  I am infertile.  I always will be.  The scars and deep and painful.  I won't ever know the joy of bringing life into the world.  I will always wonder what a child that shares our DNA looks like.  I will always grieve for the babies that we've lost over the years.  And yet, I have the most perfect miracle in my arms.  I'll never know why it took 13 years to know the feeling of loving a child, but that love is intense and real.  It's deep and powerful.  I've been blessed by the gift of a complete stranger who has entrusted me with the life of her child.  She has trusted us to raise him to be the man she hopes he will become.  That's powerful and overwhelming all at once.  My hope is that I can funnel all of the pain and anger of infertility into becoming the parent Quinn needs me to be.  It's a tough shift.  I've defined myself by my infertility for so long, that it is hard to define myself as a parent.  I think it's a gradual shift one day at a time....

Two Months!!!

This is a baby related post... feel free to click away if you aren't in a place to read.  (I did that MANY times over the years!)  I'll post another M update later, but want this post to be all about Quinn. 


Our sweet boy turned two months old yesterday.  I wish I could freeze time!  :)

We go to the pediatrician on Friday, so we'll have the official stats then.  For now, we've measured him here at home and he is already over 14 lbs and 24 inches long!  He is smiling almost all the time and is starting to laugh.  He knows his mom and dad's voice, and much to daddy's dismay, is already a momma's boy.

He is eating all the time... but won't take much more than 4 oz at a time.  Our pediatrician suggests half their weight in ounces in a feeding.  We're not even close, and we'll wait to see what she says on Friday.  We'd like to go more than 2 hours during the day between feedings, but if that's how his little body works, we're good with that.  :)

We've had a few nights with SEVEN hours of sleep!  For the most part, we Chris puts him down around 10:30-11:00 and then he sleeps until 5:00 am.  We know how lucky we are!  That's as much of any schedule he's on just yet.  He sleeps for 2-3 hour stretches most days.  However, lately we've had a few days where he hasn't slept for more than 15 minute stretches. 

He loves his swing and we just started using the bouncy seat today.  He's starting to interact with things a little more.  He ALWAYS has his hands by his face and is quite the wiggly little guy.  He loves bath time, and doesn't mind when daddy pours water over his head.  He had his first Easter and his first swim team banquet this month. 

He's outgrown his 0-3 sleepers and is mostly wearing 3 month size clothes.  He's in size 2 diapers already.  His not so little feet are making keeping socks on a challenge!  He's adjusting to mom being back at work and is loving all the guy time with daddy.

We're so blessed.  We can't imagine life without this sweet boy.  He was 13 years in the making, and worth every single moment of the wait...

Moving Forward as a Family of THREE

We learned yesterday that M's baby was born sometime last week.

In my heart, I already knew.

We are angry.

We are heartbroken.

We are concerned for the welfare of the children involved.

We always knew this was a possibility, and had come to accept that it was a probability in the past few weeks.  We respect the right of expectant parents to change their minds.

We don't respect lying.

We don't respect deceit.

We don't respect greed.

At some point I will write it all out, but for now, I'll just leave it at this.  She had the baby, but lied to us all week about still being pregnant.  We don't really know where the baby is right now.  She has told the agency that the baby is in the NICU, but won't sign a release for the agency to confirm.  We don't know if she is choosing to parent, has placed with another family, or if the baby is in fact ill and in the NICU.  The only reason we learned anything was because she called the agency looking for money.  When they said they needed medical releases and to see her in person, the truth came out.

With all that said, we know that we have been BLESSED with an amazing gift of our son Quinn.  His birthmother is an amazing, unselfish, intelligent woman who chose to place with us for all the reasons that make sense for Quinn.  She put Quinn's needs first.  And that's just what we are going to do.  We're going to move forward with out little family of three.  We're going to live each day to the fullest and do everything we can to fulfill the hopes and dreams Quinn's birthmother has for him. 


We are strong.

We are blessed.

We are a family.

Family of three... for now (Still waiting)

Thank you for all your sweet comments of love and support on my last post.

We're still waiting.  But as each day passes, my heart tells me that our little family is already complete.  We don't know for sure, but there are some signs that are pointing that M will not place with us.  We've decided to just step back and wait for her to contact us going forward.  And there's a chance we won't hear from her.  We're slowly making peace with that, and I have lots of thoughts that I will share here once we are able to find some closure on it all.  Is there still a chance she's planning to place with us? Of course.  And out of respect for that notion, I won't go into the details of the past few days just yet.

I returned to work yesterday.  As gut wrenching as the idea was, and still is, I know that Quinn is in awesome hands with Daddy all day.  We know just how fortunate we are to work opposite schedules that allows Quinn to be with one of us almost all the time.  We're still working on the details, but we have a plan that seems to be working.  Daddy is good about sending me photos during the day and doesn't mind a text from me just asking what they are up to.  It's been hard to jump all the way into work with the possibility that I will be taking a few more weeks off, so I have been working through my email inbox and touching base on small projects for now.  Hoping I'll be able to jump fully back in once we know M's decisions.

Last Friday was the annual swim team banquet.  It was Quinn's official introduction into the swim team family.  He was a trooper with all of the swim moms who wanted their chance for a peek at him.  He lasted all through Daddy's speech and awards and even managed to sleep a little during the dancing portion of the night.

We're trying to keep everything in perspective.  As my very wise husband keeps reminding me, our goal has always been to become parents.  We've been given that amazing gift by Quinn's birthmom.  After stressing over some developments with M last night, I realized that I can't allow any of the drama to take away from my time with my son.  Yes, I can finally say the phrase... my son.  We are a family.  We might be a family of three, and not the four we had started to dream of.  But I think this little family of three is what dreams are made of....

Asking for Grace

Please send some positive thoughts and prayers for grace our way.

We're getting some mixed messages from M right now. We don't know how this is going to end up.  Our heart is in our throats right now, and we're holding our breath.

For now, we're going to hold this sweet boy just a little tighter. 

Still waiting...

We're still waiting.  M has not gone into labor yet, but has shared that she is having a great deal of back pain.  She said that's how things started with her daughter.  So, hoping that this means that the little guy is getting ready to make his entrance into the world.

She hasn't given us any indication that she is changing her mind about placing with us, but we know there are no guarantees.  We've really been guarded about it all in some senses, but we've also shared our adoption plans with many people, too.  I took the giant leap and bought a double snap and go stroller frame for two infant car seats.  I got it for a steal through a Mom of Twins group, so I thought it was a safe bet. 

I am just so tired of being in limbo and holding my breath.  We are madly in love with Quinn, and can imagine we will love M's son just as much.  We've also talked that this might really be it for us- either way.  We just can't imagine the heartache of going through another adoption in a few years, so if M doesn't place with us, Quinn will most probably be an only child.  That makes me sad, but I also know that it is time for us to move on with our life.  We need to embrace parenting and do our best to leave our infertility behind us.  The scars are deep, and will always be a part of who we are.  However, infertility needs to take the back seat to parenting.

My paid leave for Quinn is over.  I am now on "borrowed" (aka unpaid) time. I have projects I can start if I am going to be on a second paid leave for M's baby.  I have two curriculum projects that I need to work on as well that have a nice stipend attached to them.  My official  return date for Quinn is Monday... so if baby isn't here by Sunday I need to make a decision about what to do. 

Please keep positive thoughts coming that M will deliver soon and that we will no longer be living in this limbo land.