We're Approved! Holy Crud... now what?

The visit was short and sweet.  Romeo was his usual pain in the butt, but we dealt with it.  She was here for less than 30 minutes total I think.

Apparently, I misunderstood a little of the timeline... I thought she didn't submit our info to the state until after our final visit.  Apparently she already has our clearances... so.... we are officially....

HOMESTUDY APPROVED

I thought we had another few months of waiting.  Not the case, as she sent all of our stuff in already and got all our clearances back.  So we are officially homestudy approved.

What does that mean for us?  I don't know.  The basics... if a situation came to us, we would be ready.

But we haven't signed with an attorney to start our marketing process.

We need to get our website done.

We need to decide on what to do about an 800 number.

I thought I had a few more months to make these decisions. 

Our agency only does agency assisted adoptions- we knew that going in.  So now it is on us to market ourselves.  Some might think we did things backwards, but that's how we roll.  We decided to do the homestudy first so it was in place.  Now we need to keep moving forward.

One quick question- I asked when we would get a copy of the homestudy, and I was told that they don't release them to us.  Is that strange?  Our social worker said that they don't release them to clients, and that nobody actually reads them anyway.  This sent up some red flags to me, but the agency is well known and respected, so I assume this is just their policy.  Do I have a right to ask for a copy of the homestudy?  Anyone have thoughts on this?

Trying to take some deep breaths and celebrate this milestone.  Hoping that we will find our match before our homestudy expires... one year from today!

Final Homestudy Visit tomorrow

Just a quick post... I've been busy cleaning dog drool off baseboards in preparation for our final visit from our social worker for our homestudy.

I've been going through our paperwork in the hopes we have everything we need.  Chris is getting the guardianship papers signed tomorrow morning... nothing like last minute!  :)

Please think good thoughts for us tomorrow at 1 CST.  I'll post an update once we are done.

It's amazing the places that dog drool ends up... LOL

Even my IPhone laughs at statistics

I've dropped my IPh.one into water TWICE in the last week.  Yep, who does that?  I've had the phone for close to a year, and use it constantly.  So what can the statistics say about having essentially the same catastrophic incident occur twice in such a short period of time after months of safety?  I would say the odds are pretty small.  But that's how I roll.  If there is even a small statistical chance of something bad happening, it seems to happen. 

In the end, I have a functioning phone and will be purchasing an industrial case for it this weekend.  The Ap.ple store replaced the first one for me (thanks to the fact we'd never made a claim on our Apple.Care plans on just about everything we own).  Chris came to my rescue last night and was able to fix the second phone so that it is good as new.  He worked his magic with a blow dryer and a bag of rice.  (It really does work!)

I had a serious meltdown after the second incident.  A full blown temper tantrum.  Throwing things.  Crying.  Yes, I love my IPhone.  Yes, I use it constantly.  But it was just a phone.  It really didn't merit the all out meltdown.

I guess it wasn't really all about the phone.  It's about the fact that once again I fell on the wrong side of the statistics.  That's been the story of the past year.  The flat out negative from our FET in January, even with CGH normal embryos.  The surprise positive after the FET in September with great numbers only to end in miscarriage a short time after.  Each time, we were told that we were had a small chance of any of those things happening.  Each time, we were told we fell on the wrong side of the statistics.

So, how am I supposed to believe that we will finally end up on the right side?

I've been less than enthusiastic about finishing our homestudy for the adoption.  I couldn't really figure out why.  More than anything, Chris and I want to share our lives with children.  We are so amazed by the gift of adoption.

I am afraid to hope.  I am afraid to believe that we will end up with a baby to love and cherish.  I know that statistically our infertility failures are not linked to our success with adoption.  But I've lost faith in statistics.   I am working to find the faith.

Our final homestudy visit is set for Friday.  We're done with all of the paperwork and I've finished the training hours we need.  I've spent some time working on our website and our profile.  We're moving forward.  I just need to find the faith and courage. 

Is there an app for that?  :)

April ICLW

Welcome April ICLW!

If this is your first time stumbling on my blog, you can get the cliff notes version by taking a gander at  our timeline tab above.  The really short version:  We've battled infertility close to 11 years and have endured just about every treatment only to end up with empty arms.  We're in the process of completing our adoption homestudy.  We are hoping to become a family through a domestic infant adoption.

I am also a teacher and a tech nerd who loves papercrafts.  I have a spoiled rotten yellow lab and senile old cat.  Dh and I are high school sweethearts who will celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary in a few months. 

Looking forward to reading and commenting this month!  Welcome!

Restless Sleep

I'm exhausted.  And it's not because I'm not getting sleep, but it is restless sleep.  I can't keep going like this.   I can't seem to figure out what has caused this change in my sleep.  I need to find a way to fix it, though! 

Does anyone have any suggestions for remedies?  I've tried taking some Tylenol PM.  I've tried avoiding eating close to bed.  I've tried some adult beverages before sleep.  It's not that I can't sleep. I am sleeping (including falling asleep on a friend's couch Sunday night.... embarrassing!) 

I'm having crazy vivid dreams EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.  The kind of dreams that make you wake up and wonder what the heck was that all about.  I wake up exhausted every single morning. 

Does anyone have any suggestions?  Has anyone had this experience? 

Things are crazy hectic at work, as they are every spring.  I need every single ounce of energy I can muster, and having this sleep issue is not helping. 

This has been going on for more than two weeks now.  I can't even begin to tell you all of the crazy dreams I've had.  Last night's involved me being part of a heist at my school.  Yep, not sure what the hidden meaning of that is!  :)

I'm at a loss.  This girl needs her 8 hours of good sleep, and I haven't found that in weeks.  Help!

Isn't it Ironic?

I promise I have a full recap post of the race coming.  I know you are all on your toes waiting for it!  It's really more for myself so I can remember the experience and look back on it.  Let's just say my new goal for this race is to one day finish it without crying!  :)

I was a big Alanis Morissette fan in college.  Her angst spoke to me.  I still enjoy her music, although I think she lost some of her grit and angst as she has matured.  But one of my favorite songs was Ironic.  And let's face it, it could be the theme song of my life- at least when it comes to my infertility.

Let me start by saying that I have a great relationship with my therapist.  As I have mentioned before, she has helped me get through the he$$ of the past two years and has helped me move forward.  She's an infertile survivor and and has crossed to the other side through the miracle of adoption and a successful IVF at CC.RM.  But she still gets it.  She has been very compassionate about my treatment and always responds to texts when I need a little bit of support whenever. 

So imagine my surprise today when she tells me.....

She's pregnant.

13 weeks pregnant with her final frozen embryo at CC.RM.  She never thought it would work, or she would have told me she was going to do it.  But it worked.

She had wanted to tell me sooner, but I've haven't been in for close to a month due to Spring Break. 

I am ok.  I really am.  And I will continue to see her, at least for now. 

But I do have to say, isn't it ironic?  That even my infertility therapist is pregnant? 

Thank you universe for yet another slap in the face.

I did it!

I finished the Shamrock Shuffle 8k.  I did it.  It wasn't pretty, and there were tears, but I did it!

It was unseasonably warm here in Chicago today.  It was close to 80 by the time I started the race.  I don't do well in the heat, and I didn't train to run in the heat.  So in the end, I had to walk most of the race, but I finished it!

I'll post a longer recap tomorrow.  I'm tired and sore and so very glad it's over.  Only 5k's for this girl in the near future!

Here I am with my amazing friend and coach who kept me from quitting (which I came VERY close to doing at mile 1!)

It was hot, and I am really not doing well in this photo... but I was DONE!  :)  Thanks for all of the virtual support today.  I sure needed it and felt it!  :)

Running Update

I took a few weeks off from running... which looking back wasn't the best idea, but oh well!  I was crazy busy before Spring Break with the yearbook and then there was Spring Break.  I took my running gear with me to Aruba, we just never had the inclination to go for a run!  :)

So, I have run three times this week in preparation for Sunday's big race.  Monday I ran with some coworkers and did 1.6 miles, and then both Tuesday and today I did 2.5 miles.  I am still not at the pace that I would like to be at in order to finish the Shamrock Shuffle in the allotted time.  I can't remember if I was better trained last time or not.  I did finish at about an hour last time, and this time I am *really* hoping to finish before the course closes after 1 hr 15 minutes.  Yikes!

So, please think of me on Sunday morning as I attempt to run this darn race.  It is WAY out of my comfort zone.  I do think that I will have people run with me the whole way, which is much better than the last time I had to do it all alone!  It's an 8k which is about 5 miles- twice the distance that I have run yet this time! 

We also have the swim team end of season banquet tomorrow night.  Looking forward to a good time with good friends with minimal drama.  We have to go downtown to get our packets on Saturday and then the race is Sunday.  I am pretty bummed that I have NO downtime at all this weekend.  Might have to take a mental health day at some point next week. 

So- please say a little prayer that I am able to finish the 5 miles on Sunday!!!

Babymoon?

When we booked our vacation to Aruba, we had no idea that it also appears to be a favorite destination for those who are on their “babymoon.”  I overheard someone say that the medical facilities in Aruba are good, so I wonder if this is why so many choose to come here.  But it also could be the fact that the average pregnant woman is blissfully ignorant.  I mean no disrespect in that statement- it’s the simple fact that most people don’t know all the things that can go wrong with a pregnancy.  They just expect that everything will be just fine.  And for most people- it is.

I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t bothered by the bikini-clad preggos at the adult exclusive beach.  (A fetus is clearly not an adult, so surely they were violating the rules, right?!)  There was a different preggo each day and I definitely had some not so nice thoughts of jealousy when I realized that I could have been in their shoes right now… (but let’s face it, there’s no way a former infertile would be so far from home while pregnant)  I really don’t begrudge these couples the chance to enjoy their final child-free vacation.

And then I started thinking about our situation.  (You knew that was going to happen, didn’t you?!)  I really had a hard time this year truly relaxing and enjoying the vacation.  I am so thankful that we had the points to take the vacation and I do feel that it was a good time for Chris and I to reconnect.  We were able to enjoy the adult exclusive parts of the resort and do things on our own timeline without worrying about a child (or a dog, for that matter!) So I had to reframe my mind- this is our babymoon, but not in the same sense the preggos were experiencing it.

It’s time to really walk away from the fantasy of getting pregnant.  Yes, I broke up with treatment, but I still have feelings for it.  You can’t end a 10 year relationship and not have some residual feelings.  The feelings wane over time and it hurts less.  That’s where I’m headed.  That’s what I decided this vacation was all about.

As I stared out over the ocean, I made a decision.  This is it. This is the end for now.  I am letting go of those feelings. You can’t fully embrace a new relationship when you are still holding feelings for an old flame.  I was still romanticizing treatment and not fully embracing adoption. Once I came to this realization, I was able to relax and enjoy the sunshine and ocean waves.

So in my heart, I feel that this was in fact our babymoon, our last vacation hoping for a miracle through treatment.  I pray that this is our final vacation as a couple, and that our next trip will be to meet our child, wherever he or she may be.  The miracle of adoption will make our family complete.

I’ll close with my favorite photo of the two of us.  We’re at the gold mine ruins on the beautiful island of Aruba.