Another week on the roller coaster

Today's u/s was probably the longest one I've ever had. To the point that my legs started to have muscle spasms.  The tech was trying to be very thorough.  I like this tech the best and he is always kind and likes to joke to break the tension. 

The news wasn't the update we were hoping for.  The SCH has grown and is approximately 6 cm long.  The gestational sac is still abnormally shaped and is only measuring 6w3d.  We were at 6w1d last Monday, so not the growth we were hoping for.  The heartbeat was only 92- so well below what we would hope for this point. 

We met with another one of the partners at the OB office.  I really liked him. He was kind and took the time to sit and answer all of our questions.  He apologized that he didn't have more clear answers for us.  He told us its really a wait and see and the good news is that there is a heartbeat and that we saw growth.  The challenges are the abnormal shape of the sac, the size of the SCH, and the slow growth/heartbeat. 

After talking with him, we decided that I will go back to work tomorrow.  I haven't had a red bleed for more than a week and staying on bed rest didn't get us a smaller SCH.  I'm going to take it easy and try to stay off my feet as much as possible.  If I start having red bleeding, I'll come back home and we'll go from there.  I am planning to spend the rest of the afternoon trying to pack and prepare for going back to work.  Trying to pack enough snacks and a change of clothes...just in case.

We talked with him about the possibility of having to go to Florida.  He said he wasn't concerned about the flight itself, but being away from medical care.  He said he wouldn't say not to go and suggested that I call if we get THE call and get an u/s before I go. 

Chris and I have decided we're going to fight and not give up just yet.  We still have a heartbeat and what appears to be a fighter little bean.  That's all we can do at this point.  It's going to hurt like hell to lost this fight, but we have to give it all we've got.

We go back for a repeat u/s on Friday when our OB is in the office.  We should hear something about the adoption by then too.  It's going to be a really long week.

Exhale

I felt like I was holding my breath all day yesterday.  I was finally able to exhale when we heard from our attorney last night.

After some harried phone calls to our social worker and the main office of the agency, we got our paperwork off to Florida.  Our SW only works part time so it was a little challenge to contact her.  In the end, we have a new direct number that should allow us to get a hold of her when we need to in the future.

Our attorney finally got in contact with the CC Social Worker in Florida. She hadn't been to her office, so wasn't even sure if she had gotten our paperwork.  Grrr.  They are still working on serving the baby's father his papers.  Our attorney was told that nothing would be decided until mid week.  In my heart, I feel that the local agency will probably place with someone local that they are working with.  My heart is breaking thinking about this little angel in the nursery waiting for someone to be her forever mom.  She'll be released today and we've been told and will go to a temporary placement.  Again, my heart aches for this little one and part of me hopes that if she is going to be placed locally that the temporary placement ends up being her forever family. I've never met this little one, and yet all I can think about is what is best for her already and worry about if she is being loved and held and cooed over this very moment.  My heart aches to hold her in my own arms, but I know that we will be ok if she is meant to be with another family.  Please continue to hold all those who are making decisions for this sweet little angel in your thoughts and prayers.

Chris has always been against "being prepared" because we just don't really know what a situation could end up being.  But after the excitement of the last day or so, I am thinking that just maybe it wouldn't hurt to stock up on just a few essentials.  Thank you for all of your sweet suggestions and comments on the last post.  I have a few wishlists on Am.azon and Tar.get full of your suggestions. Trying not to get too far ahead of myself, but it was nice to spend some time browsing and reading about baby products.  And just maybe they are things I might use in say 8 months if this pregnancy continues.  (Whoa, did I really say that out loud?!)

I am feeling very optimistic about Monday's ultrasound.  I do spend time trying to play out different scenarios in my head just to feel prepared for whatever it holds.  Does anyone else do that? I try to imagine every way that things could go wrong just so I can react in my own head before having to do it for real.  I guess that's what years of infertility does to you.

Feeling crampy on and off and it scares me.  But then I consult Dr. Goo.gle and it appears that this can all be normal.  Still only very little dark brown spotting on the TP, so trying to feel reassured by that.  The nausea seems to be here to stay and is definitely impacted by my eating schedule.  I have learned that I HAVE to eat before I feel hungry. 

Trying to stay zen and hopeful, but realistic.  I know that each and every moment makes me more and more vulnerable.  Please let this finally be our year... and maybe even times two?

Bed Rest is HARD

Who knew just how hard it would be to spend a week in bed?

The good news is that I haven't had any red bleeding since Sunday.  I've only had brown spotting and its now only on the TP.  Can I really hope that the bleed is already reabsorbing?  I am worried that if it is in fact large shouldn't there be another bleed of some sort to get rid of it?  Not that I am asking for a bleed.  Dear God, that is the LAST THING I want. 

I read some really scary things about SCH online- but I also read many more positive stories.  As each day goes by, I am getting more and more hopeful.  But that scares the crap out of me.  I know that each and every day I am getting more and more attached to this pregnancy. 

My symptoms are increasing.  I really have to eat just about every 2 hours or I start to feel sick.  Being stationary and on the extra progesterone has caused my digestive system to come to a screeching halt.  (Which is not fun at all, and can make a woman crazy who is concerned about any kind of cramping!)  Last night Chris was browning some ground turkey for sloppy joes and the smell literally made me gag and almost lose my cookies.  I've never had that issue before.  Again, this makes me feel hopeful.

I am scheduled to have the repeat u/s on Monday.  Debating about moving it to Friday since I am already off work.  But then I really want to have the best chance of seeing some good news- so waiting the full week seems to be the right way to go.  It means I am off work another day- which will be NINE days in a row.  YIKES!  But I really, really, really, need to put this pregnancy first.  Thankfully I have a very supportive principal, amazing coworkers, and a great sub taking care of my kids.  So why does it stress me out to be missing this much work?  I have the sick days- (although I've eaten through many of them over the years of IVF treatments in CO....)

We got a contract in the mail from the OB yesterday for delivery services.  Is this normal practice?  I'm guessing the billing office hasn't looked at my chart to see that I am still diagnosed with "threatened miscarriage"  Also, it is for routine care.  I think I've already had more u/s that the "normal" pregnancy has the entire duration.  They are also expecting that I still need to meet my entire deductible.  Um, nope. Already met that for the year. And it's not even the end of January. 

And I'm not even sure that this is the right fit for me.  I've had a not so good feeling from one of the OBs and the office staff is less than desirable.  So I guess I will deal with the "contract" notion when I go in on Monday.

Finally convinced Chris to let me bring some of my card making supplies into bed with me.  He isn't thrilled but he agreed.  I need to do something creative or I might lose my mind.  Seriously, daytime TV is horrible!  And I've already read three books.  So, I really need to do something fun!

Looking forward to having a close friend/coworker come by this evening.  I've finally finished the 200 invites for her daughters wedding.  She's coming to pick them up and also bring me some work from school.  Isn't it sad that I am looking forward to having some papers to grade?

Ok, better get off the computer.  Chris doesn't like me using the laptop too long.  :)