I am so glad it's Friday. I need some down time for sure. I think it might be time to evaluate all of my obligations right now and cut back a little. I am so thankful to have our Fall Break just around the corner. 10 days off from work to just regroup. We only have students on Monday and Tuesday of next week. We have an in service on Wednesday all day and then conferences at night. Conferences all day and night on Thursday and then we are off on Friday. So there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Things have been really stressful at work this fall... which usully would be an ok thing, but with the added stress of the failed adoption, I am just barely keeping it all together. I really love teaching and I have a great bunch of kids. If I could just teach and not worry about all of the other crap I would be so much happier! Change is always hard, but some changes are just too much. I am starting to consider updating my resume and looking at options closer to home.
I am really blessed to have some amazing friends... most of them I have met through work. I would not be able to get through all of this *crap* in my life right now without them. They listen when I need that, and tell me to knock if off when I need that too. :-)
The weather has finally changed here. I was so sick of the heat. It feels good to put on long sleeves and snuggle under the covers. I am hoping the change in weather will also help my mood. But the change in weather also brings the holiday season, and I am coming to terms that we will spend yet another season without a child of our own. I really thought this was going to be *THE* year. It just wasn't meant to be. I hope that I will someday be able to look back at all of this and see the big picture and know the "reason" we went through all of this.
Going to try to get something done tonight while Chris is at work. I need to do samples for the crop I am hosting tomorrow.
Friday, October 12, 2007
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Where we've been...
I always have good intentions when it comes to my blog. I know that I NEED to write in order to process my own thoughts. I know there are a FEW of you that check up on me every once in a while and wonder what is happening with me. So here is the scoop.
Chris and I have given all of ourselves to an adoption since June. We were approached by one of my coworkers about adopting. We had considered adoption in the future, but hadn't pursued it. I was ready to jump with both feet into the world of infertility treatment again. And then out plans were diverted.
Adoption was an unknown world to me. I had researched the infertility treatments that I was considering. I had read, read, and read some more. My coping mechanism has always been to gather as much information as I can. So I immersed myself in as much information as I could about the process of adoption. We found a great adoption attorney who has helped us along the way. We plopped down my entire summer school salary to pay for her retainer. We changed directions. We couldn't afford treatment and adoption. So treatment was forgotten.
We met with the expectant mother. She asked us about our lives and shared with us the dreams she had for her child. She asked us if we would consider being in the delivery room. She told us that we had everything she wanted for her child. We started to have some hope again. This was the path that God intended for us. We told our families and friends about our new journey. Our hearts were full of hopes and dreams for this child.
And then things changed. She stopped returning our calls. She told us she wasn't sure. She started interviewing other couples. But we still had hope. Surely God had a greater plan here. Why would he bring this hope back into our lives only to take it away? We continued with our process. Fingerprints, TB tests, etc.... all necessary for us to become parents. Frustrating, but we did it.
Little bits of hope... she picked up the phone. She accepted my gift of a book about open adoption. I listened to the "experts" I didn't push her. I said all of the right things. I told them I was supporting whatever decision she made, even though my heart was breaking. I tried to support her. I even bought a single baby outfit. I bought some baby scrapbook papers. I had hope.
Through our infertility over the years I have endured the waves of hope and despair. Every new treatment option brought some hope. When the treatment failed, despair set in. The cycle continued, but each step brough a little less hope and a little more despair. With the last treatments, I guarded myself- protecting myself from hope. But with this adoption... I let my guard down. I allowed myself to hope.
And here we are. The baby was born on Friday. She has obviously decided to parent as we did not even receive a call that the baby was born. I discovered this fact with a posted note in the teacher's lounge at school. Not even a phone call. We are heartbroken.
So now what.... I don't know. I am at a new low point. I am grieving a child that is very much alive and well... but will not be part of our family. I am mourning the hope I had in this. My faith is wavering once again. WHY were we placed on this path only to have another roadblock? I am angry. I am not angry with the new mother. She and her son will always be in my thoughts and prayers. I am worried about them. I pray that they will have the guidance and support they need.
More than anything I don't understand why God has given us the longing to be parents and yet has not blessed us with a child. I believe we have lessons to learn... but goodness, I feel that I have learned so much already. I also feel that you aren't given more than you can handle. However, I am at my limit. I really don't know how much more two people can take.
I am hoping to post more here to work through all of this. That is my intention, anyway.
Chris and I have given all of ourselves to an adoption since June. We were approached by one of my coworkers about adopting. We had considered adoption in the future, but hadn't pursued it. I was ready to jump with both feet into the world of infertility treatment again. And then out plans were diverted.
Adoption was an unknown world to me. I had researched the infertility treatments that I was considering. I had read, read, and read some more. My coping mechanism has always been to gather as much information as I can. So I immersed myself in as much information as I could about the process of adoption. We found a great adoption attorney who has helped us along the way. We plopped down my entire summer school salary to pay for her retainer. We changed directions. We couldn't afford treatment and adoption. So treatment was forgotten.
We met with the expectant mother. She asked us about our lives and shared with us the dreams she had for her child. She asked us if we would consider being in the delivery room. She told us that we had everything she wanted for her child. We started to have some hope again. This was the path that God intended for us. We told our families and friends about our new journey. Our hearts were full of hopes and dreams for this child.
And then things changed. She stopped returning our calls. She told us she wasn't sure. She started interviewing other couples. But we still had hope. Surely God had a greater plan here. Why would he bring this hope back into our lives only to take it away? We continued with our process. Fingerprints, TB tests, etc.... all necessary for us to become parents. Frustrating, but we did it.
Little bits of hope... she picked up the phone. She accepted my gift of a book about open adoption. I listened to the "experts" I didn't push her. I said all of the right things. I told them I was supporting whatever decision she made, even though my heart was breaking. I tried to support her. I even bought a single baby outfit. I bought some baby scrapbook papers. I had hope.
Through our infertility over the years I have endured the waves of hope and despair. Every new treatment option brought some hope. When the treatment failed, despair set in. The cycle continued, but each step brough a little less hope and a little more despair. With the last treatments, I guarded myself- protecting myself from hope. But with this adoption... I let my guard down. I allowed myself to hope.
And here we are. The baby was born on Friday. She has obviously decided to parent as we did not even receive a call that the baby was born. I discovered this fact with a posted note in the teacher's lounge at school. Not even a phone call. We are heartbroken.
So now what.... I don't know. I am at a new low point. I am grieving a child that is very much alive and well... but will not be part of our family. I am mourning the hope I had in this. My faith is wavering once again. WHY were we placed on this path only to have another roadblock? I am angry. I am not angry with the new mother. She and her son will always be in my thoughts and prayers. I am worried about them. I pray that they will have the guidance and support they need.
More than anything I don't understand why God has given us the longing to be parents and yet has not blessed us with a child. I believe we have lessons to learn... but goodness, I feel that I have learned so much already. I also feel that you aren't given more than you can handle. However, I am at my limit. I really don't know how much more two people can take.
I am hoping to post more here to work through all of this. That is my intention, anyway.
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