No miracle here

Well a miracle was not meant to be... Beta dropped to 1.8 from 14.  Sounds like an early miscarriage or a chemical pregnancy.  Either way it sucks.  I am so freaking angry right now.  When are we ever going to catch a break???????

Neverending saga

Once again it has been some time since I updated this journal.  I suppose a big part of me has been in denial.  We decided to do our final treatment cycle of 2004.  We had two embryos on ice, and decided to attempt an FET.  The protocol is so much easier, and my RE feels that I may be one of the women who does better with an FET than a fresh cycle.  The trauma of the last ER was more than my body could handle in her opinion.

So both of our embryos made it through the thaw and looked great.  We transfered both of them on December 10th.  Our Dr even crossed her fingers and told us this is going to work.  As I was laying there after the procedure, I told DH that if this doesn't work that it just might not be meant to be.  He disagreed.  He has been amazing once again through all of this.  I couldn't be luckier to have an amazing man in my life.

My pregnancy test was scheduled was Sunday Dec 19th.  I was never put into the computer, so the test was not actually run until Monday.  I was prepared for another negative... and of course a positive too.   What I wasn't prepared for was what the nurse told us.

The test was positive... but very low.  My beta came back at 14.  From all of the charts I have looked at online, it really should have been well over 100.  So we didn't get good news, but we don't have bad news either.  I have stayed on the meds and will return this morning for another test.  Today's test will be a big sign to see if this truly is a viable pregnancy or if we will lose another little angel.

I am losing hope quickly. I have taken three HPTs and they have all come back negative.  This all just makes no sense.  Why can't anything ever be easy for us???

Back in the saddle... and not liking it

Its been some time since I last posted.  Its been a challenging few months.  Life just didn't seem very fair... and I had a hard time dealing with it.

I agreed to start taking happy pills... but for the first month I felt absolutley terrible.  They made me drowsy and all I wanted to do was sleep.  Didn't do much for my mood or marriage.  I am feeling better now for the most part.  I really resent the fact that I have to take the stupid things, but I do think they are helping somewhat.

We did decide to go ahead with the frozen transfer the end of the this year.  We've met our out of pocket maximum, so we will have 100% coverage for this transfer.  Of course the clinic isn't being as cooperative as we'd like and still wants us to pay our 30% copay and then they will refund us... as if we have that extra cash just laying around... Oh well, it's never dull with us!

The transfer is scheduled for December 10th.  I've had the baseline appt and have started the wonderful meds.  Lupron to supress everything and give me wonderful headaches and estrogen to build the lining and induce mood swings.  I go back for a lining check on December 3rd.  Then we'll see where we go... I am so afraid that the embryos will not survive the thaw, and all of this will be for nothing.  Guess that is just the realist in me.  (Chris calls it the pessimist!)

On a bright note, we did have an addition to our family...

Romeo came into our life on October 14th.  He is a pure bred yellow labrador retriever.  He was only 5 1/2 weeks when we brought hime home, and has been a fun addition to our life.  He has changed our lifestyly for sure... everything is a chew toy to him!  He has been a great distraction for me over the past few months.

My sister had the baby on Monday, and it was harder than I even imagined it would be.  Life just isn't fair.  My good friends also had their twins on Friday.  I couldn't be happier for them, but also so sad for myself. 

So that is where I am at... resigned to doing this transfer, but still have a tiny bit of hope that this might just work.  I really don't know how we will deal with yet another failure.  I don't know if either of us is strong enough for that.

vent

I need to vent a little... so feel free to ignore this post.  :-)   I found out today that ANOTHER coworker is pg.  I just really don't know how much more I can take.  I am probably at the lowest point I have ever been at with all this ttc crap.  Three failed IVFs in a year can do that to you, I suppose!  So now I am dealing with the teacher next to me whose wife is pg with twins from IVF #1.  They are due the end of October, so guess what everyone talks to him about?  Another coworker is due the beginning of December.  A third coworker told me in tears about her pg a few weeks ago... since this is an unwanted pg, that one really hurt.  Then I find out today that this coworker and his wife are pg... I work with BOTH of them.  They were in treatment, so I can accept it a little easier...but come on!  How much can one girl be expected to handle????  When will it be my turn?  

All this after meeting with the RE and being told there is NO REASON we didn't get pg on IVF #3 and she really thought it was going to work.  Dh is closed to any treatment for a while since the last BFN hit both of us really hard.  I agree.... but it still is hard NOT to be in treatment, KWIM?  Especially for someone who has pretty much either been cycling or on BCPs since January 1st.  

 I do have an appt with my GP on Monday to start some antidepressants.  Guess its time.  I emailed a counselor who specializes in infertility, but she didn't return my email.  I have a number for another woman... just need to get the nerve to call.  

To make things even better, my sister is in the hospital... and will be until she delivers #3.  I am not on speaking terms with my family because they just dont get why I can't drop everything and be there for my sister.  There is more to that... but won't go into details.  I am just so tired of being the freak that no one understands... KWIM?  

Sorry... I needed to get that all of my chest.   

Diagnosis- Unlucky

So we had our follow up appt with the RE today.  I had to schedule and PAY for one.. they don't include it in the cost of the IVF.  When we got there, we were told we were not on the schedule!!!  Luckily the nurse who "scheduled" it for me was there, and apologized.  We finally got to talk to the RE 45 minutes after our scheduled appt.  

We were told what I feared... there is NO reason our IVF didn't work AGAIN.  She showed us statistic after statistic that showed that we SHOULD have been pg... that we are in the "best odds" group.  I am not sure if this was supposed to make me feel better... that I was supposed to get pg, but didn't.  She told me that we were just in the "unlucky" group.  

We've had every test known to man... I had two pages of questions that she did in fact answer.  In the end, she feels that I may be one of the few women who do better with an FET.  It is possible that the trauma from the ER and elevated E2 levels caused a hostile envirnoment for my preciuos embryos.  I did convince her to do a few blood tests... one to check for clotting issues (APA something or another) and to recheck my TSH and Prolactin levels. I asked about an endo biopsy, but she feels that there is no indication that my lining or uterus is abnormal.  I also asked about immune and infection testing... and she said she wouldn't discourage me in getting the tests done, but she doesn't feel that there is adequate evidence to support the treatment.    

So we are waiting for the results of those tests, but don't expect to get any earth shattering news.  DH is still heartbroken over the last failure.  We are tentatively thinking of doing the FET in January.  She gave us a 30- 40% chance of getting pg with that.  Not great odds in my book.   

 Oh well... so I really didn't get any answers at all. I really do like my RE, don't get me wrong.  She answered all of my questions.  She was honest in telling me that she, as well as the embryologist, really thought I would get pg with the last cycle.  She also told me I would make a great egg donor.... not sure what to make of that.  So lots of new info to digest.  Its always something, isn't it?

What direction will our lives take...

Its 4 o'clock in the morning and I can't sleep.  I keep thinking that I am going to wake up from this nightmare.  But no, this is now my reality.  This raw pain is part of who I am now, and I fear it always will be.

There is now not one single ounce of faith left in me.  I just can't believe that there is a God in heaven who would give me such a desire to be a mother to my own children, and then deny me time and time again.  There is no way that I can believe in such a God. 

I don't know what direction our lives will take from here.  Chris says he can't do this anymore.  There is a part of me that has to agree.  But then there is the rest of me... that has such a strong desire to create a child out of our love for each other, that I just can't quit.  I really don't know where we will go from here.  I know adoption is an option, but I know that I am not emotionally ready for that path.  We are also not financially ready for that, either.  We're already out thousands of dollars in our quest to be parents.  I want to scream when people tell us to adopt... nobody knows just how expensive it is!  We're talking $25,000 for a healty infant.  That is one third of our yearly income.  There is a part of me that has a hard time "buying" an infant at this point.  I know thats not really what it is... its just the way my heart feels right now.  And the bottom line is that I am not ready to give up my dream of a biological child yet.

The hardest part of this is THERE IS NO REASON THAT OUR IVF failed.  I have a low FSH, we had good egg and sperm quality, decent embryos, no other issues.  If someone were to just tell me that we are unlikely to ever get pg on our own, I would give up.  But with each failure, we are told that there is no reason that we can't get pg, and there is a very good chance the NEXT ONE will work.  So we hope once again, only to have yet another failure.

My heart is breaking for the pain Chris is feeling.  I feel as though I am robbing him of his chance to be a dad.  He tells me over and over that we are in this together, and I am so very thankful to have him in my life.  Somehow, our marriage isstronger than ever, but I don't really know what the point of a strong marriage is if you never have a family.  I mean a strong marriage is a foundation for a strong family.  I love him very much, and treasure our lives together, but know it is not enough for either of us.  So both of us will head off to our jobs today... caring and teaching other people's children while we ache for our own. 

This may be my last year teaching.  It is getting more and more painful each year.  I know part of it is the fact that many of the students I teach have parents who don't really care about them.  Parents who wish they were never born... parents who can't be bothered with them... parents who I can't get ahold of... parents who can't even bother to get the medical treatment the kids need.  I just don't know if I can handle having parenthood essentially thrown in my face day in and day out.

I know much of this is the raw pain talking.  It just seems to get deeper with each negative, and soon it will be all that there is inside.  I really don't know how I will get through today, let alone the rest of our lives.

Negative

Nothing more to say

Trying to pass the time

So I am sitting at work trying so hard to pass the time.  On one hand, I just want to know for sure, but on the other hand I am scared to death.  I just don't know how we can handle another negative.  

I have some VERY light spotting... I don't even know if I would call it spotting.  I am hoping this is not a sign that this is the end once again.  I am really trying to stay positive, but it is just so darn hard.

We will know in a matter of hours the direction our lives are headed...

9dp5dt... beta day

Tomorrow is THE DAY

So we will know for sure tomorrow.  Still no spotting... only a few cramps here and there.  Going to the bathroom about every 15 minutes just to "check"  LOL.  24 hours from now, we will know one way or another.  Just have to hold onto the faith for a few more hours....

8dp5dt

Nervous

This is the point in each cycle that I start to get a little nervous. In a few short days, our lives will change forever.  I am hoping and praying that it will be for the better- that we will finally be granted our miracle. 

I am feeling pretty good.  I am very tired, and have noticed some pulling sensations.  I have not really had any cramping as I did with both of the previous two cycles.  I was also spotting by this point on both failures.  I am obsessivly checking each time I go to the bathroom... no sign of anything at this point.  My breasts are still very heavy and sore.  Could this really be it?  Could we finally get some good news on Tuesday?

Chris and I were both so exhausted last night that we fell asleep very early!  We both woke up at 11, and realized we didnt do the PIO.... yikes!  We did it then, and hope and pray that won't affect anything at this point.  We're both just so exhausted from the week.  I always forget how exhausting the first week of school is for me.  It really knocked me on my butt!  Chris is running himself ragged... with the new boss at work who has firing on his mind, its just hard.  He's coaching at a HS as well, and working more than 12 hours a day.  We're both just working so darn hard.... please let this work!

So now we wait.... I was thinking of doing an HPT, but just don't think I can do it.  I will talk to Chris once he wakes up and see what he thinks....

So we are 7dp5dt today... and things are still looking good!

Two on Ice...

We just heard from the RE's office.  They froze two.  So for the first time, we have some embryos on ice.  We really debated on the cut off point... do we freeze one?  two? three?  We knew that we couldn't justify freezing just one... the chances of it making it through the thaw is slim.  I just had a really hard time "discarding" any embryos... so we froze the two we had.  What's another $600 at this point?

Praying we won't have to use those ice babies... and that we will have really good news in just 8 short days...

Two Beautiful Embryos

We've now transfered two beautiful embryos.  It was probably the easiest one yet.  I am very hopeful once again.  The embryos were grade 3 (out of 4).  The RE is very confident that they are great embryos.  Of course the overachiever in me would have loved to have grade 4 embryos!  :-)  They gave us a photo... just makes you realize what a miracle all of this truly is. 

I am taking an extra day of rest at Chris' request.  Today is the first day for teachers to report to school, but I was given permission to miss it.  I will return tomorrow, and students start on Wednesday.  Where did the summer go?

I am hoping that the business of the beginning of the school year will keep my mind occupied as we wait for our beta... when we will find out if this miracle is meant to be.  Just 8 more days....!

Support from Family....

I have often written about some of the struggles I have been dealing with when it comes to my family.  It just never seems to end.  More than anything, I want them to support me and be there for me as I endure yet one more painful procedure in my attempt to become a parent.  Yet, I am reminded once again that they are not capable... and that I am in this alone with my husband.

The retrieval was probably one of the most painful experiences in my life.  I don't know that I have ever been so uncomfortable, scared, and hurt all at one time.  Tuesday afternoon was a nightmare.  All I wanted to do was cry from the pain, and the more I cried, the more it hurt.  It was hard to just get to the bathroom from my bedroom.  Yet, I did it.  And my husband was with me all the way, with the pain in his heart for all that I was going through.  But I didn't feel that I could call anyone in my family.  I just didn't have the strength to hear what THEY had going on that was of course so much worse than I am enduring.

On Wednesday, Chris had to return to work.  That left me home alone.  That meant that I only ate what I could scrounge around here.  (should have gone to the grocery store last week!) or what he would bring home when he finally returned.  It meant that anything that I needed, I had to get.  No big deal, right?  It sure would have been nice to be able to call someone in my family to come and sit with me, or even bring me some light lunch.  But I didn't feel that I could do that.  Didn't feel that they could fit it into the schedule.

But of course I get the call from Mom on Wednesday that my sister is in trouble.  My sister needs me... ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  I have just endured the most painful experience in my life without any help from them, and now here I am being asked to help.  Mom went on and on about Robin, and when she finally paused, I calmly reminded her that I just had surgery and have spent the last two days in bed on narcotics! 

A small part of me is really sad for my sister... nobody should have to go through what she is facing. However, there is a thing called self-preservation.  I can't handle the extra stress of dealing with her issues right now.  This is the best chance we have for this IVF to work... and I don't want ANYTHING to jeopardize it.  Why can't anything ever be about me?  (Boy does that sound selfish!) 

I was very angry yesterday.  Feeling better today.  Taking a stand for myself once again.  For myself, for Chris, and our embryos... I have no choice!

ER is over... and we have 10 Embryos to prove it!!!

Its been a few days since I posted in the journal. Things ended up looking really good. My e2 was over 2900 on Sunday, so we decided to trigger Sunday night for a Tuesday ER. They measured 16 follicles between 14-21, so we were feeling really positive!

The ER was Tuesday morning at 8:30. I was awake for the procedure, and it was very difficult. They had a hard time with my left ovary, and I think the RE ended up being selective as to which eggs she retrieved. It took two nurses pressing on my abdomen to get to that pesky ovary.  I was very greatful that the staff in the room was all people who have montitored me during the cycle.  It was also very hot in the room... 95 degrees I think they said.  So there were plenty of tears and sweat througout the procedure. 

I ended up with a great deal of pain yesterday, and Chris called the RE. She prescribed some Vicodin, which seems to finally be doing the trick today. I haven't had pain like this ever in my life. But, in the end it is all worth it!

We retrieved 11 eggs, which I was a little disappointed in. However, when the call came today, we were told that 10 of those 11 were mature, and that all 10 of those fertilized! So we have 10 precious embryos in the lab. Transfer will be Sunday. I have high hopes for this lab, and pray that we will have two beautiful embryos to transfer as well as some to put on ice.

So now we wait... and I am trying to heal. I am still pretty sore, and hope that the pain will ease by tomorrow. I would really like to put some finishing touches on my classroom tomorrow and Friday.

Amazing what a day can do...

So I am not as optimitstic as I was a few days ago.  Yesterday's E2 only rose to 1193 from 1098 the day before.  I hope I have not hit a plateau and will not have mature eggs in the end as a result.  I just got the message from the med voice system, and they didn't leave what my E2 level was.  I always have to ask for the specifics... sometimes I wonder if they don't want you to know what your results are.  Ignorance is bliss, right?  Well, not in my case. Also, no ultrasound today, so I have no idea what things "look" like.  I really hate that they don't do an u/s each day.  I am sure that has to do with the fact they they do a flat rate for IVF monitoring...

To make things even better, I am still feeling really crappy.  My sinuses are a mess.  Supposedly the only appt available in the morning is at 7:00.  Are you kidding me?  We have to be in Gurnee at 7:00 in the morning... that means leaving here at 6:30 am on a SATURDAY.  I don't know why that is making me so irritated.  I just want a chance to get some sleep.  I am going to go to the crop tonight at the scrapbook store... just won't stay too late.  I am thinking about cancelling the class for tomorrow I am supposed to teach.  We'll see how I feel later tonight.

Words can't express how badly I want this to work.  Part of me is actually afraid of how badly I want this.  I just don't know.  I am praying every moment that this one will work, that our dreams will finally come true.  That would make all of this worth it in the end.  Heck, I would live in a cardboard box and have worms to eat if it meant I would finally be given the gift of motherhood. 

Seems we found a good protocol...

I am feeling very optimistic.  We had our second appt yesterday which included an u/s.  I thought I was feeling something already, but I wasn't sure.  Sure enough, there is a crop!  We estimate there are 11 on the left, and 14 on the right, with the largest at 12.  Feeling really optimistic!  My E2 on Monday was 500...which was a little high.  It made a nice slow increase to 848 as of yesterday, which is more in line where it should be.  I am so glad I asked to stay at 10 units of Lupron.  It has kept my LH nice and low, so there is no risk of being on the pergonal.  The nurse also told me that they have done studies that show higher implantation rates with a mixed protocol.  Since we have had two failed IVFs, I am all about getting higher implantation results!  :-)

Chris and I are both feeling really positive.  I go back this morning for b/w only.  I am feeling pretty good at this point.  I still have a nasty cold/sinus infection.  I think I may ask this morning about an antibiotic... I will be on one after the ER, so maybe we can start one now to get rid of this yuck.  I am feeling ok... I am just blowing my nose ALL day and ALL night!  I remember a similiar thing happening with my last IVF.  I wonder if it has something to do with the lupron....

I am hoping to see my niece on Thursday.  I am meeting some of my friends from work for lunch, so I will just take her with me, and then head to Build A Bear I think. 

We are estimating ER to be Monday or Tuesday.  We have three different parties to attend on Saturday, and it looks like Chris will have to go solo.  We'll see how things fall and what day my ER and ET actually end up.   The extra day of bedrest really didn't do any good last time, and I know women who have gone back to work the day after ET and gotten pg.  We'll see.  I have a feeling it will be more of Chris' decision than mine.  That's fine with me!  :-)

Hoping things continue to look good with e2 this morning.  I really wish they would do an u/s each morning... I am so visual. 

First appt today

We had our first monitoring appt this morning.  Bloodwork only, so I really don't know where we are at yet.  The message only gave med info for tonight, so I will have to see what my e2 level was.  I need to see the numbers for some reason... I think it is my way of having some control over the entire situation.

My cold is still rotten... starting to wonder if it has to do with the lupron.  I hate that stuff!  I hope to never have to take it again.  I hope that I never have to do any of this again... I really want this to be THE one.  I am not sure that either of us can do this again.

I am hoping to spend some time with my niece on Thursday.  My mom is acting as a mediator between my sister and I.  If it weren't for my niece, I wouldn't really have any contact with my family at this point.  I need to focus on this IVF, and the dreams that Chris and I have for OUR family.  I just don't have the extra energy to share right now.  In all honesty, I NEED to see my niece probably more than she needs to see me. 

I had to tell two more people about the IVF today... its becoming just part of who I am at this point.  I am not ashamed about it, and if anything, I feel it is my mission to educate others about the process.  It's just hard to schedule around it, since you have no idea when the retrieval will be.  Oh well.... that is all part of this fantabulous journey, right?

A new day...

So its a bright a sunny Sunday morning.  I am feeling fairly positive this morning.  Of course, I have come down with a cold/allergies/sinus infection.  Timing is always great for these things!  I am drinking some "magic" tea and it seems to be helping.  I kept Chris up most of the night, he is finally sleeping now.  I didn't have the heart to wake him to do the 8:30 am shot... I am actually getting good at jabbing myself.  :-)

We had a really great day yesterday.  Its amazing how much strain all of this infertility crap can put on a marriage.  Even a strong marriage can waver under these circumstances.  And we've wavered, alright.  In the end, I know that we are meant to be together and we will be parents together someday.  This is the first weekend in some time that we have NOTHING to do.  We ran some errannds yesterday, and then lounged around the house for the afternoon.  It just felt good to "be" 

There is a part of me that is ready for a break from all of the treatments and heartache.  However, the majority of my heart and soul wants to continue on this road no matter the cost.  Walking through the store yesterday, we saw so many families... a mom, dad, and children. It made my heart ache.  That's what weekends are for... spending time as a family.  I want that more than anything.  Sure, I know that we are a family now, the two of us.  That has become more and more evident as I have distanced myself from my extended family.  I just know that we both have so much more to give...

Seeing Chris with our good friends son is amazing.  The little guy was all about Chris on Friday night.  Chris turns into a child when he is around him... we actually had to tell him to quiet down while we were eating dinner!  :-)  When we went back to the house to watch movies, the little guy wanted nothing to do with anyone than Chris.  He snuggled up next to him, sharing his popcorn and blanket with Chris.  It was just so sweet... bittersweet. 

Why has a man who is so caring and good with children not been blessed with a child of his own?  Seeing him with this little guy breaks my heart in two... one side is just so proud that Chris is an amazing man, and the other half aches to give him a child of his own.  I know we aren't perfect people by any means.  We have our faults, and our challenges.  But so do so many others who have been blessed with children.  I don't think I will ever understand.

I truly believe that everything happens for a reason.  I think that is one of the hardest parts of coming to terms with our infertility.  I just want to know WHY.  Why can't we have children like everyone else?  What have we done wrong?  Why have we been blessed with talents in working with children, yet we can't have a child our our own to share them with?  Why does my sister get to have three children, and complain about it... when would give everything to just have one?

I pray each night that our dreams will come true with this IVF.  I just don't know where we will find the strength to go on if we are not successful.

IVF #3.... Here we go!

Here we go again.  IVF #3 is here.  It has been 3 months since the last attempt, and yet I don't think either of us has really "healed" from that failure.  I have high hopes for this cycle... but there is the constant pang of reality in the back of my mind.  I am excited and nervous at the same time.  In many ways, this is our final attempt... we have one more covered by insurance, but I know that neither of us have the emotional energy to do this again anytime soon.  We've started to consider adoption and I am starting to gather all of the information I can on that topic.  Hoarding information seems to be one of my coping strategies.

We're back with the RE that I truly respect.  It's going to cost us $3000 if we end up with any to freeze this time.  It's really hard to believe all of the money we have spent while others can get pg on a bottle of cheap wine for $2.99!  It's just not fair at all.  Dh and I have started joking about all of the things we could have bought for the cost of this IVF.  I have an entire mental file of things that will be funny someday.

I am feeling more alone each day.  I know part of this is summer.  Once I am back to work, I will see my friends each day and be more part of a social group.  My infertility really defines who I am right now, and so many of our personal friends just don't get it.  Most of them have children and can't understand the pain that I feel.  I have also come to terms with the fact that I can't count on my family for support anymore.  They are who they are... and just aren't able to support me right now.  It's hard because I have always been part of a close-knit family.  Now I am learning to stand on my own.  They have other priorities in life and that is fine.  It was just a rude awakening.  I know in the end I will be a better person.  I used to think that once my infertility was resolved, things would be different.  Now I am not so sure.

Onto the nitty gritty.... Today is CD#3, and I started stims this morning.  I have never had stims split into two dosages a day... maybe that is the change I need.  :-)  I have been on lupron since July 29th.  Tonight I am supposed to decrease that dosage, but I am questioning that decision.  When I had a consult with this RE after IVF #2 was a flop, she told me that she felt I was not on a high enough dose of Lupron.  Yet, when we start the cycle, she has me on the same dosage.  When I questioned that at my Mock Transfer, I was told that she would keep me at this dose and not drop it once I start stims.  The nurse tells me yesterday to drop the dosage in half.  When I questioned it, she really didn't have an answer.  I will have to call back today and try to talk to the RE herself.  This is it for me.... I am not going to just sit back and have another nightmare like the last cycle.  If I have a question about something... I am going to ask it until I get an answer that satisfies me. 

Anyway, here is the scoop...  150 Gonal F this morning, 150 Pergonal this evening, and Lupron TBD.  Tomorrow 75 GF AM, 150 Pergonal PM, and Lupron TBD, Sunday same as Saturday, and then back in on Monday for b/w and u/s.  I have not been on anything but pure Gonal-F.  I sure hope this is the magic cocktail for us.  It sure would be nice to not only get pg, but also have some embryos on ice for a change! 

Independence Day?

Its been some time since I last posted here.  Things have been busy I suppose.  The end of the school year... teaching summer school... preparing for IVF #3.  Yep, IVF #3 is just around the corner now.

I don't know what it is about this time of year, but I always find myself retreating into myself and locking out everyone.  To borrow the words from someone else, I needed  to lick my wounds so to speak.  I continue to be estranged from the family.  That is 100% my choice.  I just can't deal with the codependency right now.  In talking to a friend, she commented on how much I am the "caretaker" of the family.  I just don't have the extra energy for that right now.  I honestly don't know how I have the energy to get from day to day.

I am allowing my infertility to define who I am right now.  In all reality, it IS who I am right now.  I am starting to wonder what else really matters.  I mean, I love my husband very much and cherish the life we have together.  Its just missing something... a family.  I am an infertility patient.  There is nothing more that I want in the world than to be a mom.  The overachiever in me can't handle the failure time and time again, yet I keep going.  I can't imagine NOT being an infertility patient.

IVF #3 will be in mid-august.  I am on these godforsaken BCPs right now.  I hate the way they make me... moody and pimply faced.  I am on them for what seems to be forever, thanks to the fact that I have no regulariry to my cycles.  This is the only way that we can get things to fall into place.  The tests are all done, just waiting for the official word from the insurance company.  The extra duties I have taken on will almost pay for our entire portion of the IVF, thank goodness.  I have spent the past three weeks teaching summer school for children whose parents don't want them at home just so that I can have the opportunity to have my own.  There is some poetic justice there somewhere....?

Its the holiday weekend... Independence Day.  I am so greatful for my freedom as an American.  Yet, I feel very little independence right now.  My life is all dictated by myone desire... the desire to be a mom.

Fog

Its been a rough few days.  I wish that I knew even what I felt right now.  I am in a dense fog and I can't see it coming to an end anytime soon.  I am in limbo land right now, without a plan as to where we are heading.  Just aimlessly wandering through the fog.

I can't understand how the world just keeps going around me.  I can only imagine how egocentric that sounds.  However, it's the way my mind is working these days.  There are happy people, mommies and daddies, little babies, families, and pregnant women all around going on with life.  Even those close to me are moving on with life.  Nobody can figure out what to say to me or how to act around "poor Patience."  I think I hate the pity more than anything else.

I am so grateful to have a good friend who is also dealing with an IVF failure.  I can say things outloud to her that nobody else would understand.  I can't exclaim when I see the 400th pg women at the mall, or the irony that the restrooms in the mall are located right by the maternity section.  Together, we can handle the mall.  Alone, I unable to stand more than 20 minutes in the place.  Truly nobody can say that they understand until you have been where we are.  And it's not a nice place to be.

Infertility has come to define who I am.  I make decisions about everything in life based on what treatments we will be attempting or the latest reasearch I have read.  Infertility is the fog that surrounds me now.  Will I always be lost?

Thunderstorms

As I sit here to write this entry, thunder is rolling and rain is falling outside.  In so many ways this is symbolic of where I am at right now.  My heart aches and the tears are falling.  There is no resolution once again.  No rainbow at the end, just a continuous journey in search of the gold... a long frustrating journey with lots of sudden changes along the path...  a path that appears to be smooth and safe until an unexpected cliff appears. You have no choice but to fall into the depths.

The call came on Chris' 31st birthday.  In my heart I already knew what she was going to tell me.  I had started bleeding on Monday morning and knew it was over. My body started telling me on Wednesday, 8dp3dt, that it was coming to an end.  I started spotting, but still had some hope.  The signs and symptoms that I had been feeling started to slip away, and with that my little embryos were no more.  Once again, we have failed.

Chris is taking it very hard, and I don't know how to make it easier.  My heart breaks each time we talk about this failure.  Yesterday I was full of hope and promise, and today I am full of despair.  I just want to be a mom... why is that a gift that I am unable to attain?  I want to make Chris a dad.  He's just amazing around the children in our lives.  We've dedicated our lives to helping other people's children, and yet we are not able to have our own. 

In time I am sure the pain will become more bearable.  This pain will always be part of who I am.  As I sit and watch the thunderstorm out the window, my heart aches with each roll of thunder and drop of rain.

  

Time to be a little selfish

It's time for me to be a little selfish.  We have made the tough decision to skip the family party today. I just know that I will end up "snapping" and Chris is very concerned about what impact that will have on our precious embryos.  I just can't stand the thought of looking at my sister right now, knowing that she once again has what I want more than anything in the world.  The last thing I need right now is the patronizing I will be sure to get from my extended family as well.  I am sure I will be hearing about this for months, maybe even years, but I don't care at this point.  It's time that I think about myself and not what is best for all of them. 

I know that it is hard to deal with someone battling infertility.  We are a difficult breed, especially while in the 2ww of a major procedure. Even so, I am angry with my family because they CHOSE to keep this pregnancy from me.  Once again, I feel left out of everything.  Everyone had a secret that they whispered about behind my back.  My parents claim that the last month has been "hell" for them.  I don't think they even realize what this has done to me.  People close to me kept a pregnancy from me once before, and my mother knows how hurt I was from that.  Why in the world did she choose to do the same thing to me? 

It will never be ok.  I pray that I will get a BFP on Tuesday and will be able to move on with my life.  However, I will not EVER be ok with her getting pg again.  It isn't really jealousy.  It's the fact that she can't care for the two children she already has.  I feel so sorry for my niece and nephew. 

I have to wash my hands of all of this for now.  I have to focus my positive energy on getting a BFP on Tuesday.  It's time for me to be selfish...

What is fair???

Just when I thought that I had everything under control, I get news yesterday that just knocked the wind out of my sails.  My sister is pregnant with #3.... and I just can't even believe it.  She has lost her job, can't handle the two kids she has, and yet is blessed with another pregnancy.  I am angry... and incredibly sad.  How is any of this fair?  How can one sister be so darn fertile while the other spends thousands of dollars on invasive procedures just for a chance to get pregnant? 

My family has all known for some time.  You see, this "accident" occured just when my first IVF failed.  No one wanted to tell me.  The only reason I was told was because my niece, in all her innocence, spilled the beans.  So once again, Patience has been left out.  Chris is taking this really hard, and I can see the pain in his eyes. 

My faith has never been thinner than it is right now.  My sister doesn't even beleive in God, and yet she has been blessed.  I am starting to wonder if there even is a God.  There is just so much pain and suffering in this world.  I know in the grand scheme of life, my pain is small.  However, my ache to be a mother is so strong that it takes my breath away at times. 

In a few short days, we will know if we, too have been blessed.  Now I understand why my mom has been so interested this time... she wants me to get pg so my sister won't feel so bad.  I know this anger is the last thing I need right now.  Trying to find my happy place....

Impatient

Its a good thing that my name is Patience.  Most days that is all the patience that I have.  I have amazing patience most days with my students, but for most everything else I am very impatient.  The waiting is killing me.  Tomorrow marks one week since the transfer, and one week till the beta test.  We're at the half-way mark.

I am having some cramping on and off today.  It is very similiar to menstral cramps, but it is way to early for that.  I don't remember them from last time, so I am hoping that is a sign of good things to come.  My breasts are also VERY sore and heavy feeling.  Another sign I don't remember from last time.  I am trying to be hopeful.  I am also VERY hungry today and can't get enough to eat.  I don't remember that at ALL last time. 

I can't focus on much once I get home.  There are plenty of things I could do around the house, and things that I enjoy to do.  However, I just don't have the focus for anything. I didn't sleep well last night, so maybe it is just fatigue today.

With all the technology out there, why can't they make this wait move along quicker?  For now, I just have to wait.  I have no control over any part now, so I just have to do everything I think that I can to make a difference. 

Today is one of my least favorite days of the year...

Mother's Day.  Just the sound of it makes me cringe.  It's as if the entire world is celebrating what I don't have. The one feeling I hate the most is being left out... and that is the biggest feeling on a day like today.  While I treasure my mother and grandmother, part of me even resents the fact that they are part of a "club" that has denied me membership month after month.  My younger sister is a member, and uses today to remind me that I am not.  Two years ago I was reminded that I was "not a mother" so therefore I should be helping with the cleanup after dinner.  That was the last time I attended a family Mother's Day party.  Last year we went to visit Chris' parents.  This year mom took grandma to visit the new baby in Springfield... the new baby that my UNMARRIED cousin has... 

Am I bitter?  I suppose so.  I know that I should be so very hopeful today.  For in all essence, I have two precious embryos safely inside me right now.  Will they decide to stay nice and safe?  Only time will tell.  My only hope is that Chris will not have to endure another Father's Day from the outside...

 

On cruise control...

Our rollercoaster ride seems to have come to a smooth spot.  I am not sure where it will take us, but we are once again feeling a little more hopeful.  On Tuesday we transfered our two embryos.  The embryologist was reported as saying that one of them was "stellar"  The RE assured me that he doesn't usually compliment embryos... think she was just trying to make me feel better. 

The "stellar" embryo was a Grade 1 8-cell and the other was a Grade 2/3 6-cell.  We are now cautiously optimisitic once again.  I did the extra day of bed rest, and will continue to take it easy for the next few days. 

So now we wait... although we are on cruise control, it's so hard not to have any control!  We will find out the results of this cycle on Chris' birthday.  I have mixed emotions about that.  I truly hope that he will get the best birthday gift ever. 

I want off this roller coaster ride!

I have debated as to what I wanted to write here.  I am so sad and frustrated right now.  I have never been a fan of roller coasters, and that is really what this entire journey has been.  You climb up and up and a steady pace, and then you plunge back to the bottom in a matter of moments.  I am sitting at the bottom right now, wanting so badly to get off this darn ride.  Yet, I am strapped in and have no choice but to hold on and see what happens next.

The retrieval was yesterday after a huge argument between Chris and I the night before.  This darn process has just put so much strain on our marriage, but in the end it has really made it stronger.  That is another story.  Of all of my supposedly wonderful follicles, we only got 7 freaking eggs.  I had a MAJOR meltdown post ER, and the nurse and Dr didn't really know what to do.  How can I have doubled my meds and still end up with LESS eggs than last time????  The retrieval was also sooner than I have ever been "ready" on only CD#12.  I am so frustrated with the RE right now, and unfortunately she was not the one to do the retrieval or give me the crappy news today.  The RE on call was very compasionate, but really had no answers for me.  I am 29, with an FSH of 4.  There is NO REASON to only get 7 freaking eggs!

To make things even better, only 4 of those eggs were mature, and only 2 fertilized.  So now I am praying that those two little embryos continue to develop and divide and we end up with at least the two of them to transfer on Tuesday. Once again, I planned on a day 5 transfer, and have to make all kinds of adjustments to my schedule once again.  We won't know what they look like until we get there on Tuesday morning. 

I've been told time and time again that perfect cycles often end in BFN and not-so-perfect cycles end in BFPs.  I am hoping that will be true in my case.  Our perfect cycle ended in a BFN.  We have a back-up plan already.  We plan to return to my beloved RE that is closer to home.  She is not on our insurance, but they are much more progressive in their practice and I am so much more comfortable with her. They are also so much closer to home.

I am pretty umcomfortable today.  Chris had to return to work to do a training today, so I am home alone.  I should call my family, but not one of them bothered to call yesterday to see how I was doing.  I will back down and call mom as soon as I finish this entry.  I always do.  

So now I wait.  I try to keep busy, but there is only so much you can do when your ovaries are screaming at you.  My heart is breaking, my spirit is broken, and yet I persevere.  I am strapped in for the ride of my life... 

Retrieval is set for Saturday...

My body has never done anything the way I wanted it to.  Nothing different this time!  The retrieval is set for Saturday at 9 am, which means Chris has to reschedule part of his training.  In the end, it will all be worth it for our little miracle!

My E2 level is over 1800, and we have several follicles that are over 18 in size.  I am hoping that we will indeed end up with more eggs this time.  I fear that the increase in dosage only created eggs faster instead of more eggs.  It is all out of my hands now, and all I can do is wait.  I am really feeling the ovaries now, and honestly am glad that we will be doing the retrieval sooner than later.  I am starting to get really nervous.

I have been so calm through the cycle up to this point, and now I am facing the reality that we will know the end result of this IVF in a few short weeks.  That is the one of the most terrifying parts of all of this.  It doesn't help that Mother's Day is next Sunday, and I will be in the midst of my 2ww at that point.  I can't endure all of the commercials. 

I forgot how much strain this process puts on my body, my mind, and my spirit.  I've been going through all of this with blinders on... trying to keep the calm face on.  I haven't allowed my mind to think about too much of anything, and now all of those thoughts are racing through.  My body is honestly sore, and I am amazed at what it will allow me to put it through.  If anything, I have been acutely aware of my ovaries and my body!  My spirit is another story.  This journey has truly taken its tole on my sprit, and I know that it will never be the same.

I am waiting for Chris to get home so he can jab me once again... this time with the giant needle!  I am hoping to get lots done around the house before Saturday morning, because I know I won't want to do much at all for the next two weeks.  Off to finish loading the dishwasher...

Things are cookin'

Well, I had my first monitoring appointment this morning.  I was a little nervous that I would be oversupressed from the lupron/BCP combo. All is good.  I even have some larger follicles on both sides.  E2 was just over 500, so I guess I am right where I am supposed to be.  Same doses tonight and then back on Wednesday.  The IVF coordinator is estimating ER as early as Saturday, which seems pretty early to me, but we will see!  Dh is supposed to do a training all weekend, and he is the only one who is able to do it.  Life could get a little interesting!  I am hoping that things will slow down a little and ER will be Monday.  But when do our bodies every cooperate with what we want?! 

I am a little frustrated with the fact that *I* have to carry more of this process than DH does.  I have to drop everything when it is time for the injection.  I am the one who has to endure all of this.  I know that he would do whatever it takes to make this work, but it is *I* that has to carry this burden with me all of the time.  This is an argument we have had time and time again.  Yes, we are in this together.  But it is my body we are messing with here.  Enough of that....

I am still feeling very calm.  I was a little disappointed this morning, I would have liked to have seen a little more activity.  I am really hoping to have 3 blasts to transfer and at least 6 to freeze.  A girl can dream, right?

Its a beautiful day

It is a beautiful day here.  The sun is shining and the air is crisp.  I am still feeling pretty calm this time around.  I had a strange dream last night about the retrieval, but I think that is just my subconcious, though.

My allergies are raging right now, and I can't really take anything but the basics.  I called the IVF coordinator begging for some relief, and all she could offer was tylenol and sudafed.  Oh well, it will all be worth it in the end.

I have a nasty bruise from last night's injection.  We'll have to be more careful tonight.  I go in on Monday for my first monitoring appt.  I hope that we'll have lots going on in my little ovaries and we will be off to a great start.  Its hard at this point to make any plans because I have no idea as to when my retreival or transfer will be.  Again, I am trying to be laid back and just take things as they come.

Here we go....

I went in this morning for baseline.  My ovaries are nice and quiet and my E2 level is right where it is supposed to be.  A new tech tried to take my blood... unsuccessfully... and I have a big bruise to prove it.  Luckily the other gal was there and was able to get it on the first try.  I left with bandages on both arms.  :-)

I will start my first dose of Gonal-F tonight.  We're upping it to 525- more than I have EVER taken.  I don't really know what to expect since I have never been on a Lupron protocol before.  I will also be continuing the Lupron, but cutting the dose back to 5 units.  Back on Monday to see if we have anything brewing. 

The progesterone in oil came in today.  Boy, those are giant needles.  Not really looking forward to using that, but I really think that is going to be the magic for this cycle.  I feel that I have not had enough support in the past.  I am amazingly calm right now and not feeling anxious at all.  I hope that will continue as we go through the cycle.  I put 95 miles on the new car today... getting to the Dr's office and then to work really adds up.  Oh well, at least I have a great car to be in!  :-)

I have decided NOT to do the accu this time.  I just didn't get my act together, and I am not sure that we can really handle the added expense.  I will talk to Chris about it when he gets home tonight and see what he has to say. Trying to stay really positive this time!  :-)

A new day

It is a new day.  The sun is shining brightly and it promises to be a warm spring day here in Chicago.  I am feeling much more hopeful this morning.  It's amazing what a day can do!

We bought a new car yesterday... It is a beautiful car and we splurged a little with it.  Of course, I kept asking the salesperson about the car seat safety features, and the side curtain air bags.  It is most definitely a "mom" car in many respects.  DH and I joked about getting a mini-van, but I have sworn that I will never drive one!  That is another story all together!  We bought a Kia Sorento- and traded in my Kia Sportage.  We've spent so much time holding back due to TTC that it was nice to just do this.  We spent the ENTIRE afternoon there yesterday haggling to get the price we wanted.  Now I will have a nice car with a sunroof to drive to all of my appointments in!  :-)

I think the side effects of the Lupron are starting to lessen.  I am having a hard time sleeping at night, but so is Chris.  The poor guy slept about 2 hours last night.  I think he is more anxious about everything that he is letting on. 

Hoping to spend some time outside today.  Time to enjoy life a little!

Back in the Saddle again?!

It has been some time since I last wrote here.  It has taken most of the past two months for us to grieve and come to terms with the BFN in February.  It has gotten easier, but my heart still aches at least once a day- as I see a new mom holding her infant, as I watch my niece and nephew open Easter baskets, as I see families together at the store... I don't think I have ever had to endure anything quite like this struggle.

So, here we are gearing up for IVF #2.  I am trying so very hard to NOT obsess and to NOT get all worked up.  Easier said than done.  Deciding to wait until after our trip was one of the best decisions we have made.  I was much more ready to get back on this roller coaster ride after some time in the sun! 

The photo was taken at sunset on our cruise home from the Bahamas.  It was really nice to have some time just for the two of us... without our infertility barging in. We drank, and had a nice relaxing time.  Remember when life was like that?  Remember when we didn't have to consider the possibility of how every tiny little minisule decision would impact our fertility?  I am starting to forget what that was like.

I started the Lupron on Easter Sunday.  Has to be some good karma there, right?  I think this drug is making me nuts... other than that I am just going plan crazy on my own.  I have been in tears almost ever night this week.  Could it be that I was on those darn BCPs once again and am now waiting for my cycle to start?  Am I just having the world's worst case of PMS?  As I drove the hour home last night in tears, I wondered how in the world I will ever make it through this IVF.  Why do I have to endure all of this?  WHY? 

On the outside, I am trying to have the positive attitude I have promised everyone I would have this time.  I've been told to surround myself with positive people, think positive... all of that will help me end up with the BFP in the end?  Or will it?

I HATE the person that infertility has made me become.  I am a negative person most of the time, and am just not able to "let loose" at all.  I wonder how I have become this person.  I wonder why those in my life still choose to be around me.  Will I ever get back to the person I once was?  Or am I permanently destined to be this person?  What will happen once we have some resolution to our infertility?  Will there ever be a resolution to our infertility?

Thoughts to ponder...  Anyway, here is the game plan for this cycle-

Started Lupron 10 units on CD 21, Stopped BCPs on CD# 23.  Once AF is here, will go in for baseline u/s and b/w.  Then will start stims on CD#3- don't remember exact dosage of the Gonal-F this time, but know it is more than double what we had last time.  We are hoping for some embryos to freeze this time.  ER/ET should be towards the end of April/Early May.  Just in time for Mother's Day?!

Another failure

So the news came on Monday afternoon... another negative.  I just don't know WHY this keeps happening to us.  We were so sure that IVF was going to be our miracle cure.  Yet, here we are once again wondering what we have done to deserve the heartache of infertility.

My heart is breaking, but yet I am so numb from this.  We have a follow up with the RE on Monday to see what went wrong.  I just want some answers, yet I know that we won't get any.  If we just knew WHY this didn't work, we might be able to make some sense of it all. 

We have decided to wait to do IVF #2 until we return from our trip in April.  In the meantime, I have to pick up all the pieces of my life.  We really put everything on hold for the past several weeks in order to give our all to making this work.  Now we have to deal with the grief as well as get everything back in order.

I am really struggling with my faith right now, as is Chris.  It's just so hard to believe...

Bleeding

I woke up this morning with some significant bleeding.  I am sad, but know that there is still some hope.  Chris is staying very positive, and the least I can do for him is to be positive for him.

I don't know how we will handle a BFN... but I am trying hard not to dwell on that.  We will know for sure on Monday when I go in for my beta.  It's going to be a long weekend.

Fear

Fear has set in.  I am so afraid that this IVF has not worked.  The first few days after the transfer I was able to keep positive.  Now I have waves of negativity and fear that this has in fact not worked.  I am trying so hard to remember that I am in fact pg in all reality, until the beta that is.  Three beautiful embryos were placed into my uterus.  All I can do is rub my tummy and hope and pray that at least one of them is still safe and sound within my womb. 

I don't think I have EVER wanted anything more than I want this now.  My emotions are so out of whack, mostly due to the progesterone.  IVF has always been our "light at the end of the tunnel" and I can't imagine the desperation I will feel if this does not work.  I have the consolation of knowing that we do have three more attempts covered by our insurance. 

I can't get the thoughts of this out of my mind.  All of my quiet moments are consumed with thoughts of this IVF and whether or not we are pregnant.  I have no idea how I am going to make it for another FULL week before we know for sure.  Usually I am fine with my quiet alone time at night while Chris is at work.  Now I am crawling out of my skin with thoughts and fears.  Every twinge in my body makes me wonder...is that our miracle slipping away?

I wish I could simply have FAITH.  I want to have faith, I really do. 

Three little miracles...

In the midst of a blizzard on Tuesday, we transfered three embryos.  Two were "near perfect" blastocysts, and the third was almost there, but still considered a morula.  We debated about the third one, but in the end decided to take the risk.  The remaining embryos were slow to divide, so we ended up with none to freeze.  That was actually a releif for us in some ways.  We weren't even sure we wanted to go through the process of freezing.

And now we wait.  I haven't scheduled our beta yet.  From what I can figure, it will probably be Monday February 9th.  Now to keep busy unitl then...

The report is in...

The report is in... of the 12 eggs they retrieved, 8 were mature and 7 of them fertilized.  I am hoping that 7 is our lucky number!  :-)

They are planning on a day 5 transfer.  I will get a call on Sunday to see how they are doing. I really hope that all of them are still viable and we have some extras to freeze.

I am trying hard to stay positive.  I decided to take an extra day off of work as I was still feeling pretty crampy and sore this morning.  I am trying to do whatever I can for this to work... the first time!

Retrieval Yesterday

We had our first, and hopefully LAST retrieval yesterday.  The process has been difficult and I almost backed out right before the procedure yesterday. It really wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.  I was frustrated with the fact that the surgery was done on the labor and delivery ward... I could hear babies and there were pictures and instructions for "your new baby" everywhere. Chris kept telling me that it must be a sign.  He has been amazing through most of this.  I don't how much more two people can take!

We got 12 eggs.  The staff at the hospital was great and really put my fears to rest.  I am pretty sore still today.  I had planned to return to work today, but am just not feeling up to it.  We will find out today just how many fertilized.  Since they do ICSI on all of the eggs, I hope that we will get almost all of them to fertilize.  We will also find out if we will have a day 3 or day 5 transfer today as well.

I thought the weeks leading up to this were hard... the next 2 1/2 are going to be terrible!  I will have to keep myself nice and busy.  :-)

Starting down the IVF path...

We've started down the IVF road. It has all happened so fast. I called the new RE on January 2nd. They were able to get us in for a consult on January 8th. My period showed on January 9th. Baseline on January 11th... Here we go!

It is scary. IVF was always the last resort...something we knew was always an option. Yet, here we are at that point. It think it has been good that things have moved so fast. I haven't had the time to think about everything and obsess about every little detail.

We have a great new RE, and have been very pleased with the new office. The insurance has been manangeable, but has taken some time to deal with. As longs as we follow their rules, they eventually tell us what we want to hear.
So I started stims last night. We are on 3 amps of Gonal-F, more than I have ever been on. I am a little concerned about getting hyperstimulated, but I am putting my faith in the RE. My meds finally made it here today, although I have the "stash" from previous cycles.

We go back on Friday to see how things are going. I know that I need to increase my water intake and add some gatorade as well. I can't believe all of the meds it is going to take to get pg... but it will all be worth it in the end.
at least that is what I keep telling myself...