I want off this roller coaster ride!

I have debated as to what I wanted to write here.  I am so sad and frustrated right now.  I have never been a fan of roller coasters, and that is really what this entire journey has been.  You climb up and up and a steady pace, and then you plunge back to the bottom in a matter of moments.  I am sitting at the bottom right now, wanting so badly to get off this darn ride.  Yet, I am strapped in and have no choice but to hold on and see what happens next.

The retrieval was yesterday after a huge argument between Chris and I the night before.  This darn process has just put so much strain on our marriage, but in the end it has really made it stronger.  That is another story.  Of all of my supposedly wonderful follicles, we only got 7 freaking eggs.  I had a MAJOR meltdown post ER, and the nurse and Dr didn't really know what to do.  How can I have doubled my meds and still end up with LESS eggs than last time????  The retrieval was also sooner than I have ever been "ready" on only CD#12.  I am so frustrated with the RE right now, and unfortunately she was not the one to do the retrieval or give me the crappy news today.  The RE on call was very compasionate, but really had no answers for me.  I am 29, with an FSH of 4.  There is NO REASON to only get 7 freaking eggs!

To make things even better, only 4 of those eggs were mature, and only 2 fertilized.  So now I am praying that those two little embryos continue to develop and divide and we end up with at least the two of them to transfer on Tuesday. Once again, I planned on a day 5 transfer, and have to make all kinds of adjustments to my schedule once again.  We won't know what they look like until we get there on Tuesday morning. 

I've been told time and time again that perfect cycles often end in BFN and not-so-perfect cycles end in BFPs.  I am hoping that will be true in my case.  Our perfect cycle ended in a BFN.  We have a back-up plan already.  We plan to return to my beloved RE that is closer to home.  She is not on our insurance, but they are much more progressive in their practice and I am so much more comfortable with her. They are also so much closer to home.

I am pretty umcomfortable today.  Chris had to return to work to do a training today, so I am home alone.  I should call my family, but not one of them bothered to call yesterday to see how I was doing.  I will back down and call mom as soon as I finish this entry.  I always do.  

So now I wait.  I try to keep busy, but there is only so much you can do when your ovaries are screaming at you.  My heart is breaking, my spirit is broken, and yet I persevere.  I am strapped in for the ride of my life...