Time to be a little selfish

It's time for me to be a little selfish.  We have made the tough decision to skip the family party today. I just know that I will end up "snapping" and Chris is very concerned about what impact that will have on our precious embryos.  I just can't stand the thought of looking at my sister right now, knowing that she once again has what I want more than anything in the world.  The last thing I need right now is the patronizing I will be sure to get from my extended family as well.  I am sure I will be hearing about this for months, maybe even years, but I don't care at this point.  It's time that I think about myself and not what is best for all of them. 

I know that it is hard to deal with someone battling infertility.  We are a difficult breed, especially while in the 2ww of a major procedure. Even so, I am angry with my family because they CHOSE to keep this pregnancy from me.  Once again, I feel left out of everything.  Everyone had a secret that they whispered about behind my back.  My parents claim that the last month has been "hell" for them.  I don't think they even realize what this has done to me.  People close to me kept a pregnancy from me once before, and my mother knows how hurt I was from that.  Why in the world did she choose to do the same thing to me? 

It will never be ok.  I pray that I will get a BFP on Tuesday and will be able to move on with my life.  However, I will not EVER be ok with her getting pg again.  It isn't really jealousy.  It's the fact that she can't care for the two children she already has.  I feel so sorry for my niece and nephew. 

I have to wash my hands of all of this for now.  I have to focus my positive energy on getting a BFP on Tuesday.  It's time for me to be selfish...