Better Place

I'm honestly in a better place.  Thank you for all of your supportive comments on my last post.  As always, it means so much to know that there are people out there that get it and are cheering me on.  Sometimes just the simple fact of knowing that you are not alone in this fight means everything. 

I lost myself in reading last weekend.  It was just what I needed... to lose myself in a piece of fiction.  I actually read all three of the Fifty Shades of Grey books last weekend.  I have some thoughts I want to post on the books, but that's another post.  I seem to forget how wonderful it is to get lost in a book and become so engrossed in characters that you start thinking about them at random times.  Chris was amazing and allowed me literally to stay in bed all day last Saturday.  The only time I left the house last weekend was to have dinner with one of our swim team families on Saturday night!

This week at school was a little less intense with my challenging student.  We have him on a Crisis Safety Plan, so hoping that now we have a plan in place we won't need it.  He is utterly exhausting.  He's also very attached to me and can be a very kind sweet boy.  I have some theories that came to light this week as to why this kid has gotten to me so much.  That's also another post all together.

Remember the technology position I wanted for this school year but it was given to another woman who had the elusive certificate?  She hasn't really worked out this year- and in fact has been RIF'd for next year due to performance.  Why do I know this?  It was accidentally sent out to the entire district on the staffing plan for next year!  While I have not had a good working relationship with this woman, I do feel bad that this news was made so graphically public.  However, the good news... is that the position is back open for the fall.  And imagine this... they have removed the certificate as a requirement!!!!  After some soul searching with Chris and talking with my principal, I decided to put my name in the hat once again.  My principal informed me that the District Admin responsible for this position actually emailed him a week before I spoke to him asking if I would consider applying.  Hoping that is a good sign that things might just work out this time.  I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but man am I ready for a change after this school year!  I've emailed the Admin and applied officially through the district website.  I haven't heard anything, but the applications remain open until May 15th.  My principal told the District Admin that I was reluctant to apply due to the way that it was handled last time.  So at least that is out there.  

Chris and I are at a really good place.  Some of that has to do with my reading last weekend.  :)  Mostly, we've just had some really good quality time together.  We don't see each other much at all during the week but have made the weekends really count.  Only one more weekend until I lose him for every single weekend for the summer- so I'm trying to cram in as much as I can each weekend!  Yesterday we got the window boxes installed on the front of the house and got the early flowers planted.  Here in the midwest, you just never know when the last frost will be, so you have to be careful.  I'll post some photos soon.  Right now we only have pansies and violas planted since they are very frost hardy.  We also started a project inspired by pinterest of tipsy pots.  Of course I wanted them painted purple, so we had to do that first!  Seeing the flowers already makes me smile.  It really is the little things that make the difference, isn't it?

Chris also finished all of the floors in our main living space.  I LOVE them.  He has to do the stairs now and we've started to refinish all of the furniture.  We're definitely nesting.  Let's hope that we can get all the must do projects finished before we get the call.  Ok, scratch that... if we get the call tomorrow we'd be thrilled!

Thankfully I have some orders to fill for PB Creations.  I need to get things moving again with the business so it can continue to pay for our advertising costs.  We're currently spending close to $350 a month (which is less than our lawyer would ideally want).  Our homestudy is now a year old, and essentially expired.  We've been assured that it is all fine by both our attorney and social worker.  But it makes me REALLY nervous.  Trying to stay positive and trust the experts.... but that goes against my nature.  Never really expected that we'd still be waiting one year later.  Really thought that we'd finally catch a break and be the lucky ones in a quick match.  Trying to stay hopeful that our match is out there... and will find us very soon!

Other stuff

Thank you for all of your love and support over the past week.  This is my place to dump all of my emotions so that I can carry on in my daily life.  And while infertility and my baby lust does define a big part of who I am, there is so much more to my life. So this post is all about that stuff... the "other" stuff.

I've started running again.  It's a slow start but I am really hoping to be able to run the 5k on the 4th of July.  I've walked it the last two years, and am hoping that this is the year I can finally run it.  I don't do well in heat, so this could be a crazy goal, but we'll see.  I am training using the "ease into 5k" app on my phone.  I am fortunate to have a coworker who has run with me in the past agree to train with me.  She is getting married in June, and wants to lose weight before her wedding.  She is the same coworker who went with me on my shopping trip- so we are just a good "match" for each other. Abi has been a great friend and has listened to me as we've endured the ups and downs of the last year.

I spent yesterday with Abi and a few of her bridesmads.  We got all of her wedding invitations put together.  It felt nice to be able to put my talents to use to help my friend.  I've also been working to get my etsy shop stocked again with some new card designs.  I had an idea to create Mother's Day cards for people like me and others who find Mother's day a hard day.  You can see on of them here. Hoping to get things up and running again with PB creations so that I can help offset the costs of our adoption advertising.  I've had a few orders lately, so that has helped fuel my creative soul to get things done.  I was on such a roll with things and then we learned I was pregnant and spent two months in limbo.

And that's just the hard part.  I start to feel human and get my life back and then WHAM- I end up pregnant or we have an adoption fall through.  It takes the wind out of my sails and I can't function.  I am hoping and praying that I can keep my momentum this time- no matter what.  I need to keep focus on those other things.

I'll leave this post with a photo of Chris and I on Easter.  Man, I love this guy- even if he can't handle a serious photo to save his life!

25

And another week of beta hell continues.  Still at 25.  Not even going to say that I hope it's the last one, as it appears that it drops in half each week.  So at this rate, I have at least two more weeks to go.  Saw the first statements from the insurance company, and since I hadn't met my deductible this year, we are going to be paying close to $500 before all is said and done for this darn miscarriage.  And they say teachers have great insurance.... (don't get me started on the public slander of teachers right now... that's another post in of itself!)

I asked to have the labs run for the clotting issue, and they can't be done until my HCG is at 0.  But at least they are in the works, and will be run as soon as I hit the jackpot with a ZERO.  Of course, that means one more trip to the office and one more set of charges, but I just need to know.

My little card making endeavor has taken off!  I am so lucky to work with generous people who are all clamoring for more cards.  I've also had a few orders from Facebook.  Chris jokingly asked if he thought I could make the entire adoption costs with this.  Told him he'd have to be a slave folding cards and gluing if that was going to happen!  In all seriousness, it's been great.  I've spent hours creating cards for people who appreciate them while making some extra money.  My "real" job at summer school is cramping my time though!  Only 9 more school days until I am fully on break.

So, I'm hanging in there.  It's really HOT here this week and I am so not a fan of 100 degrees.  Thank goodness for a/c!

Hope you are all keeping cool wherever you are!

Thoughts from my beloved CC.RM nurse

I finally sent an email to my beloved nurse at CC.RM.  Have I mentioned lately how much I adore her?  While I haven't been an "official" patient since last November or so, she took the time to answer my questions and even included a personal note in her reply.  Why can't all RE nurses be like her?  Every single penny of the "nursing fee" that CC.RM charges is worth its weight in gold!

So, she reminded me that it is a good thing that I was able to get pregnant on my own and that it is a good sign. She also said that they (I assume she talked to Dr Sch, she has always done so in the past with my ?'s) feel that it just might be an undiagnosed clotting issue.  She is recommending that I have the APA Panel and Hypercoag Panel to rule out a clotting disorder.  (WHY haven't I had this done during the last 11 years????  Why didn't I ask????)  She went on to say that we should let her know if we need anything.

So..... What do I do?  I feel that I really need to know.  I need to know if the answer we've been searching for all these years is as simple as a clotting disorder.  Do I get orders from CC.RM to have the tests, or do I just talk to the local RE's nurses and ask to have these run through them? The difference could be a $40 facility fee the local RE charges me if I am not their patient.  I also don't want to irk the local RE, as I may need them in the future.  I am thinking I'll call and talk to one of my trusted nurses at the local RE on Monday to see if the panels can be run Tuesday morning along with my weekly HCG levels.

My CC.RM nurse also assured me that my levels are coming down nicely, and she isn't concerned.  That was a relief for me.  There was just something about hearing it from her that eases my anxiety.   She did say that it could take ANOTHER FOUR WEEKS for it to get to zero.  Please lord let that not be the case! There is just something psychological about finally getting to 0.  That it's finally over.  I feel like I am stuck in limbo until then.

I haven't run since this whole mess started.  We usually all run in a 5k on July 4th.  I was telling myself that I wasn't going to start running again until I got to 0.  Guess I'll check with the local nurse when I call and see if I can start back up now.

In other news, I've started making cards and selling them to offset the costs of our adoption.  It's been very well received through friends on Face.book.  I'm hoping that I can continue to do something I love and make some extra money for our adoption at the same time.  If you'd like to check it out, I've set up a separate page on FB for it... do a search for PB Creations.

In a final note, please take a few moments to visit my friend Augusta.  She is an amazing woman who has provided so much support for our community.  She sadly experienced a missed miscarriage last week after an IVF.  She is healing, but could use some extra love and support from all of us.  I know personally how much the outpouring of support meant to me after our miscarriages.

One month

It's been one month since my life was turned upside down.

If things had gone differently, I would be at 10 weeks today.

I think I am starting to heal. I only tear up a few times a day, and usually when talking to someone about the miscarriage or something related to moving forward. I was treated to an awesome pedicure yesterday with a good friend. It was nice to go out and do something normal. She and I hadn't seen each other since the miscarriage, and it was nice to talk about it with her. She is a parent from our swim team who has dealt with her own infertility back when IVF was in its early stages. She and her husband have been so very supportive of Chris professionally as well as personally. We are so lucky to have such good people in our lives who understand and support us. We don't have that in our families, so we are so grateful for people like Barb and her family.



I've spent the last two days creating some thank you cards for those who have been so kind to us. It feels good to be creative. It is such an important part of who I am and is critical for my mental well being. I haven't taken any time to be creative since the miscarriage. I am starting to feel a little human again. It will be even better once we can get my studio back together. I hope that will be soon since we are on the final steps of the outside repairs.

We received the application from the adoption agency in the mail Friday. I haven't started filling it out just yet. It is overwhelming and frustrating to see in black and white all the hoops we have to go through just to start the process. I've started reading the book "Adopting after Infertility." It has been OK, but is definitely a little outdated. I also feel that I need to have the follow up with Dr Sch to completely close the treatment door. However, filling out the application doesn't commit us to moving in that path. Worst case- we send it in (along with the $300 fee) and we don't move forward and lose the money. After spending more than $20,000 in the last 18 months with nothing to show for it, what's another $300?

A few creations...

I had some limited supplies that I could access. I am in love with stamps from UNITY and recently recieved a package in the mail with new stamps. As the day went on, I took a few more things out with each card. There is quite the mess on my table now. :)



This card was made using the Just Be stamp from Unity, papers from Hobby Lobby, flowers from Prima and Creative Memories. The paper lace was given to me from a friend and I have no idea where it is from.

This one is probably my favorite of all the cards i made this weekend. The stamp is from the July Kit of the Month at Unity. I stamped it on white and also on the patterned paper. I cut the cake out from the patterned paper and attached it to the white version. Added a little pen and it was perfect. The stamp is a little larger than my circle punch, but I am happy with how the words frame the stamp. The sentiment is also from the KOM.
This was actually the last card I made. I like to use up ALL of a paper when I am making cards. I usually stamp a bunch of quotes/sentiments and keep them in a box for this purpose. I literally threw this together with scraps. Love the funkiness of it. Love the sentiment even more!



I started with a Basic Grey Card Kit that I bought when we were in Denver in October. Of course I couldn't just follow the directions. The card base is from the kit, but I added the stamped birthday cake and flower. Image was created the same as the card above.

My card basket is now full again. I need to make some Thank You cards, as those are the ones I seem to need the most. I am also thinking about getting some card together to send off to Operation Write Home. I have not done this is the past, but I think it is a great organization. I am thinking this would be a great distraction for me and a way to share my talent for some good.

I need to go clean up a little of the mess I made over the weekend!

Feeling Creative...

This is what my dining room looks like:

I am still NOT back in my studio because the roof has still not been repaired. We are STILL waiting on the mortgage company to send us the first check for the contractor. It has been a JOKE dealing with them, but I am not going to go into that. I have missed being creative. I need to be creative. It is such a stress reliever for me. Summer is over in two short weeks. I needed to do something. So you see the big mess here. We live in a cottage, so this is in our main living space. It is so worth it. I wish I had done this sooner! We'll see what DH says when it comes home. :)

I've created more than 20 cards and will share a few once I take some photos. There are a few of them that I am really happy with. :) Stay tuned!

Cover and Day 3

This is my cover. It is a work in progress! The papers are all KI Memories. Flowers are Heidi Swapp, Doodlebug, and KI. The letter stickers are Doodlebug. The cover is sealed with Sparkle ModPodge, which adds glitter to the entire thing.

I decided to make my own book so I could adjust as needed. More ribbon will be added once the book is finished. The pages are 8 1/2×8 to allow for the binding.


This is day 3's entry. The prompt was about Christmas cards. This is the outer pages without the overlay of journaling. Here is the journaling overlay:

This is a transparency with my journaling written on it. I then painted on the back of it with a very light pink paint. Here is what the journaling says:

12~03~06

I love Christmas Cards. I love getting them in the mail and I love making them each year. They are one of my favorite parts of the holiday season.

I love getting Christmas cards in the mail. I love reading about the lives of our friends and family both near and far. I know that some people are annoyed by Christmas letters, but I really do enjoy reading them. I just recently went through all of the cards that I had saved from years past. It was fun to look at photos and see how families have grown and changed over the years. I try to send a card to everyone that we receive one from.

I love making Christmas cards. I started making our cards shortly after we were married. At the time I did much more stamping and the cards were usually embossed. One of Chris’ co-workers told me that she framed my card each year! Talk about pressure!  I used to try to outdo myself each year. Not anymore. Now I just create whatever feels good. Last year I did the cards with my digital scrapbooking tools and I enjoyed playing with those techniques. However, this year I am going back to a more traditional card. I have the design in my head, materials gathered, and photos printed. Now I just need to sit down and create them!

Over the years I have also written our own Christmas Letter. I have been able to share the joys of the past year as well as challenges we have faced. As I look back on letters from years past, I am able to see where my faith was at that time. In the beginning I was hopeful and determined that we would have a biological child of our own. In last year’s letter, I was not so hopeful. I mentioned that we may even be considering adoption. We haven’t followed through with that. Each year when I sit down to write the letter I hope that next year I will be able to include information about our child. I am making a promise to myself right now and right here. This will be the LAST letter I write without a child. We will resolve our infertility one way or another in the coming year.

Here are close-ups of the other two pages:

That is last year's card as well as some cancelled stamps from years past. Envelopes is my current address book method, so I had lots of these lying around. My next goal is to get started on this year's cards and address list!


This year's card will go in the envelope. Notice that I said will.... it isn't done yet. It is done in my mind, just need to get them created on paper!

More on the weekend later... I am in creative mode and don't want to stop!