It has been some time since I last wrote here. It has taken most of the past two months for us to grieve and come to terms with the BFN in February. It has gotten easier, but my heart still aches at least once a day- as I see a new mom holding her infant, as I watch my niece and nephew open Easter baskets, as I see families together at the store... I don't think I have ever had to endure anything quite like this struggle.
So, here we are gearing up for IVF #2. I am trying so very hard to NOT obsess and to NOT get all worked up. Easier said than done. Deciding to wait until after our trip was one of the best decisions we have made. I was much more ready to get back on this roller coaster ride after some time in the sun!
The photo was taken at sunset on our cruise home from the Bahamas. It was really nice to have some time just for the two of us... without our infertility barging in. We drank, and had a nice relaxing time. Remember when life was like that? Remember when we didn't have to consider the possibility of how every tiny little minisule decision would impact our fertility? I am starting to forget what that was like.
I started the Lupron on Easter Sunday. Has to be some good karma there, right? I think this drug is making me nuts... other than that I am just going plan crazy on my own. I have been in tears almost ever night this week. Could it be that I was on those darn BCPs once again and am now waiting for my cycle to start? Am I just having the world's worst case of PMS? As I drove the hour home last night in tears, I wondered how in the world I will ever make it through this IVF. Why do I have to endure all of this? WHY?
On the outside, I am trying to have the positive attitude I have promised everyone I would have this time. I've been told to surround myself with positive people, think positive... all of that will help me end up with the BFP in the end? Or will it?
I HATE the person that infertility has made me become. I am a negative person most of the time, and am just not able to "let loose" at all. I wonder how I have become this person. I wonder why those in my life still choose to be around me. Will I ever get back to the person I once was? Or am I permanently destined to be this person? What will happen once we have some resolution to our infertility? Will there ever be a resolution to our infertility?
Thoughts to ponder... Anyway, here is the game plan for this cycle-
Started Lupron 10 units on CD 21, Stopped BCPs on CD# 23. Once AF is here, will go in for baseline u/s and b/w. Then will start stims on CD#3- don't remember exact dosage of the Gonal-F this time, but know it is more than double what we had last time. We are hoping for some embryos to freeze this time. ER/ET should be towards the end of April/Early May. Just in time for Mother's Day?!
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