The should have baby

It's been some time since I thought about the pregnancy we lost in February.  The pain is so raw and deep at first with a miscarriage but time does have a way of making the pain fade.  It's always there and it becomes part of who you are, but it isn't in your face like it is in those first few days.  But there are moments when it comes back with that same intensity that you first felt- be it weeks, months, or even years later. 

Today I had one of those moments.  Our good friends had their fourth baby today.  She is a healthy addition to their family.  I found myself drawn to FB waiting to hear that the baby had made her arrival.  I knew our friend was having a c-section today and that their newest little one would come into this world at some point today.  I couldn't figure out why I was so drawn to this birthday.  And then I remembered.... Jen found out she was pregnant when we did.  They waited to tell us until after the D&C.  That sounds worse than it really was- they wanted to be sensitive to what we were going through but knew it was going to be out there and wanted us to know.  I found out while I was in North Carolina during spring break, so it wasn't right after our D&C.

But here's the realization I had today.  We should have had our baby by now.  The baby that we could have brought into this world if I hadn't had the third miscarriage.  I don't know what the exact due date would have been, but it would have been before now.  With the first miscarriage, I was very in tune with it all and thought about it often.  With the second miscarriage, I never had the sense of hope that there could have been a happy ending.  The third was so much of a surprise from the start with tiny bursts of hope thrown in.  I think that's why this date has hit me like this... it's like a little bubble burst and I had the realization that we should have also been having the experience of becoming parents through the miracle of birth.

I think it also hit me today- I mean really hit home- that we will never experience going to the hospital to give birth.  We'll never know what that experience is like.  We'll never pack a hospital bag and have a plan to tell those we love that we've welcomed life into this world.   We'll never go through that "right of passage" that is such a part of becoming an adult.  And I don't know how I will ever come to terms with that realization. 

Our life is full, and I am so lucky to share my life with a man who makes my every breath matter.  I am so lucky to have a marriage built on memories of growing up together.  My marriage is stronger despite as a result of 12 years of infertility and loss.  We are happy and most of my days are full of joy and laughter.  It the joy that keeps me moving forward.  And that's all I can do.