Slowly resume "normal"

I had my post-op appointment today.  The OB was more than 30 minutes late.  There's just nothing like sitting in a paper drape for 30 minutes waiting.  But I've always felt like he takes time with me- so I know that's why he is always running late.  The actual exam was very fast... it was as if he just "peeked" inside and said everything was healing.  Not sure how you can see that in a quick glance, but I am going to take his word. 

I did ask him about the possibility of being anemic and he said he would run labs.  We almost forgot when we left but had them draw it for us.  We also talked about the folgard and he told me to just stay on a prenatal with folic acid and extra iron.  As far as next steps... he doesn't think he can help us and directed us to talk with an RE or someone who specializes in RPL.  I appreciate his honesty.  He did say that he feels he will see us again.  We gave him our adoption profile and asked him to add it to their file.  He was more than willing to do so.

He told us that we are supposed to slowly resume normal activity.  Of course that's easier said than done.  It does mean that we can finally return to normal marriage activity... something that hasn't happened since I peed on the HPT in December.  Of course he told us that we have to us protection.  Let me remind you that Chris and I have been together since high school.  We haven't had to use much in the way of protection over the years.  I was more than overwhelmed in the aisle in Tar.get tonight!  Oh well, one more thing that will be funny someday.   The OB also told me I can slowly start working out again.  I haven't laced up my running shoes since before Thanksgiving.  Hoping to feel some motivation to do that again soon. 

So, the bottom line... how do I really go back to "normal"  How do you move on from a third miscarriage in a little over a year?  How do you ever go back to normal?  Chris and I had a heart to heart this afternoon about it all.  I have learned that he doesn't grieve the same way that I do.  We've grown from all of this heartache.  He is ready to move forward.  He has already grieved and is ready to look forward.  It's not so easy for me.  I find myself holding my breath at times at how much my heart is breaking.  But there's a tiny part of me that is starting to break free and feel hopeful.  I am feeling such a sense of urgency that I haven't felt before.  I've always wanted motherhood more than anything but now it is an ache that is constantly there.  It is always in my thoughts.  I am trying to focus that energy on adoption marketing and trying to believe that our match is out there.  We just have to find it. 

In other news, Chris was in a car accident on Thursday.  He is absolutely ok, but his car is not.  Of course his car is the one we haven't paid off yet.  There was a big chance it was going to be considered totaled, but the body shop called this afternoon to let us know that they will be able to fix it.  This is a HUGE relief.  We just can't afford a car purchase right now in the midst of our adoption.  It was a tense few days here, as the accident was Chris' fault and I had a really hard time not being mad at him.  I've come to terms with it and we're in a good place.  It was just hard to swallow one more negative event in the midst of all we've been through. 

As a highlight, Chris' HS swim team had a GREAT sectional meet.  He has three relays and seven individual events heading to the State meet this weekend.  I am so excited for him and his boys.  He is poised to finish in the top 5 of the state, which would be a huge feat for his team.  So excited that I'll be able to be at the meet on Friday and witness it all myself.  It's sometimes hard to sit in the stands with the parents but I love being there to see the look in Chris' face after a great swim.  One of the families has become very close to us and has actually helped us financially with our adoption.  I am looking forward to having the time with those parents as we wait for the meet. 

So we're trying to figure out what normal is for us. For now, it's swimming and school and working hard on adoption marketing.  And hoping that the tears and heartache are a minimum.