Tired of being STRONG

I'm going to warn all of you right now... this is a rambling post of a woman who is not in a great place.  Feel free to click away right now.  I need to "dump" my thoughts here so that I can start to heal and move on.  That has always been one of the chief reasons I've kept this blog.
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Today was my first day back in the "real world" after the D&C last week.  It's the first day back to normal- back to life before the latest pregnancy.  First day back at work not pregnant.  I survived but I'm tired. Literally tired... and tired of being strong.

It took every single ounce of strength I had this morning.  I'll admit that I didn't have the best attitude when I walked out the door.  It's so frustrating to spend each and every day with other people's children.  Since I am a special education teacher, I work with many families who are less than ideal.  Parents who have little to no parenting skills and some have even told me that they simply have no desire to be parents.  It rips at my heart when I hear things like this.  After the most recent heartbreak, I am at the point that I would give just about anything to be a parent.  (Ok, I've been at that point for a long time)

As a treat to get through the day, I told myself that I could stop at Starb.ucks and get whatever coffee I wanted.  Before this pregnancy, I was a regular at the location close to school.  They know what I drink and such.  But I haven't been in but once since the start of the year.  I was really looking forward to it my entire drive into school.  Just as a pull into a spot, a very pregnant woman and her husband walk in to the store.  No big deal, I am a big girl and the world is full of pregnant women.  It was just the three of us in the store.  They are also apparently regulars too.  Again, no big deal, get me my coffee and we'll all be good.

Only it appears that the couple was on their way to be induced.... and you can imagine what the conversation went to when this came up in conversation.  Both the baristas chimed in with their birth stories.  That's just what happens.   I literally stood there wanting the floor the open up and swallow me right there.  I waited for my coffee and thankfully other people came in.  But the conversation continued.  It was the first time that I literally had to hold back tears.  When the barista asked me where I'd been, I was able to squeak out that I had been sick.  What else was I going to say? I got my coffee and then proceeded to burst into tears in my car. 

Seriously, I don't know what I did to piss off the universe.  I am so tired of being strong.  My heart is breaking right now.  I think it's really starting to sink in that we lost another pregnancy.  And this time it was different... seeing the heartbeat makes this more real.  I am not even sure how I will deal with the testing results when we get them.  And then we have the adoption fall through.  While it was only a short time that it was real, we still can't get any answers from the SW in Florida.  I just don't understand why we can't even get a phone call returned.  I just want to know that the baby has been placed in a loving home. 

To make things even more fun, I am still having random bursts of cramping and bleeding.  It slows down to almost nothing, and then WHAM I have a gush and cramping.  I realize it hasn't even been a week since the D&C, but enough already.  I don't need this crap anymore. With my luck, this will go on for weeks. 

Just to add some more fun to this week- our SW is coming on Wednesday for a "maintenance" check of our house.  Chris will be home when she comes.  I am not going to freak out about making sure everything is spotless.  I just don't have the energy.  We're also coming up on the point that we need to start renewing all of our clearances and such.  We'll have to renew our homestudy too.  Let's hope we don't have to do that more than once.

While I have obviously been driven in our quest to be parents, I am feeling an extreme sense of urgency now.  It is consuming almost all of my thoughts.  Everything else- like working- just seems to be less important right now.  Yet, there is nothing I can do to move things along.  I don't have control over anything at this point.  I just have to go through the days marking the passage of time. 

I know that it will get better.  It hasn't even been a week since the D&C.  I know that I need to heal- physically and emotionally.  I just worry that there will come a time when the scars become so deep that I am no longer the person I want to be.  I am worried that I will become so scarred from all of this that I will not be able to be a good wife, friend... and parent.