Why I Blog...

First off, thank you for all of the comments on my last post.  Each and every one of them brought me a little more out of the fog and reminded me how much I truly value the support of the ALI community.  There are so many of you who have been with me all along this journey and some that are just joining in now.  There are those who don't read my blog any more for many reasons. 

Yesterday's post was stirred in part after reading a post written by Mel.  There is a hot controversy in the ALI blogging community right now, and the whole thing left me feeling a little more raw than I expected.  I am not going to chime in on the actual controversy.  I have my opinions on it all, but that's not what this is all about.  Reading the comments on her post and on the other blog left me feeling so sad and raw.  (I know I keep saying raw, but it really fits)  I was saddened to see that people were attacking each other and also that people didn't feel that they were being supported- regardless of where they were in their journey.  There was a serious divide between those who had "crossed over" and those who were still in the trenches.

Let's be honest.  I've seen lots of people cross over in the past twelve years.  I've tasted the other side and posted about BFP and u/s myself.  I've had moments where I just wanted to scream when reading about someone else's BFP or adoption.  But those moments have been completely overshadowed by the love and shear joy I've felt for so many of you.  And so many of you have shared in my joy and heartbreak.  You've shared my happiness and surrounded me in virtual hugs in my darkest moments.

I started blogging before it was even called blogging.  I kept an AOL journal- it was what all the cool kids were doing.  It started as a way for me document our journey.  Often this blog is a place where I can dump my thoughts and feelings about something.  Once I've written the post, I can move forward and process my feelings about the topic at hand.  In those early days it really was a one way conversation.  It wasn't about community and support then.

At some point, I started getting comments and started reading other blogs.  We started sharing our experiences.  We met on message boards and started following each other's blogs.  I was able to read and learn about other treatment options.  I became invested in so many of your stories, and I like to think that many of you are invested in my story.  I was also able to ask questions here on my blog and get so many responses from around the blogosphere.  At times when I felt alone and needed answers, I turned to this space and you all answered my call for help time and time again.

Chris' perception of the blog has also changed over time.  He used to resent that I kept this space.  He hated that I made our struggle so "public"  (Even though I was anonymous at the start)  Now I know that he has gone back and looked at our history to compare things.  I don't think he regularly reads the blog, but I do know that he has an occasion to check it out.  He's even told me to post questions here to get the wise advice from all of you.

So I started to really think about the issue at hand with the ALI community- trenches vs. crossed over.  But here's the thing- I don't feel that divide here.  I've felt the support from those of you who are parenting.  I hope you feel that I have continued to support you as well.  While I don't have much to add about discussions on cloth diapering or baby food, I can still say "hang in there" or "thinking of you"  And reading your blogs gives me hope.  I know where many of you have come from.  I hope with all my heart that I will someday have something to add to the conversation.

Each step of my journey (and danm, it's been long and winding) I've felt the pull to support those who are just starting on the path and share the knowledge I've gained from experience.  And I've also felt the pull to read and share in those who are further on this path than I am.  At times that was reading about what it meant to do IVF, and then doing IVF across the country, and now parenting and adoption.

It's never been about the numbers.  While I love and cherish each and every comment- especially on posts like the one yesterday, I don't blog to get readers or to have people comment.  I blog for myself to share my journey.  I blog to be part of a community- one of mutual support.  So after taking some time to process and then reading the love you all left yesterday, I am not feeling so raw.  I am feeling wrapped in support.  And I am going to make an effort to share that support with others.

If you have a few extra moments, please take a moment to check out Mel's LFCA.  There are weekly posts that list bloggers needing some extra support.  I was the lucky recipient of support after our first miscarriage and can't explain how much the extra support meant to me.  Ever since I have tried to pay it forward to others who are also in need of support.

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Today marks one month since our D&C.  We still have no results from the testing.  I don't want to go into all of that on this post, but I felt the need to at least "mark" this date here.  Planning to make a phone call to the OB tomorrow.  Also hoping to have them test my Vitamin D levels to see if that is an issue.  Just got an email from my nurse in Colorado who told me that they are testing everyone for Vitamin D deficiency now.  Interesting?