I am starting to feel the fog lift. I am starting to feel more human. I feel more like myself than I have in two months. There are still moments where I feel so very raw, but thankfully those moments are starting to become fewer and farther between.
I have lots of thoughts right now and blog post ideas in my head. There's a few hot button issues I'd like to write about. But I don't think I have the strength to handle the unknown of comments if I posted about some of them.
One of my biggest thoughts lately is about the length of time we've been in the trenches. We're close to 12 years of TTC. TWELVE YEARS... that's 3/4 of my married life. While we had periods when we weren't actively in battle, we've been in the fight for the entire time. Sure, we had breaks from treatment. In all those years, I was ALWAYS trying to become a mom.
We've been through so much. And I don't want to enter the "pain olympics" but need to point out that we've had so much heartbreak and loss. We're veterans of IF treatment. We've failed at IVF multiple times. We've had ectopic pregnancies and chemical pregnancies. And then there's the THREE miscarriages in the last 15 months. Seeing the heartbeat only to lose it two weeks later.
As a veteran IF gal, the last thing I want is pity. But that doesn't mean I can't have my own little pity party for a moment. I want to scream from the top of the mountains "WHY ME????" and "PLEASE LET IT BE MY TURN!" I've done my time. I didn't sign up for twelve years of active duty. When can I finally retire from all of this? When will we finally have the title of mom and dad? Will I have to wave the white flag before we win the ultimate prize?
We're still waiting for the results from our D&C testing. We haven't heard anything on the adoption front in weeks. I am just so damn tired of waiting and then being let down. I am tired of being left behind time and time again. I am tired of wondering if I will ever be able to be a full grown-up. (I've always felt that I won't really be a grown up until I earn the title of mom) I am tired of saving my pennies to afford adoption after we used all of our life savings on one final IVF. (That I don't regret...but that's another post) I am tired of watching my husband play with other people's children and feeling the ache in my heart knowing that I can't give him that. I am tired of feeling jealous of other people and their pregnancies- even those that are hard fought for. I am tired of wondering if there is a reason I haven't become a mom- that I won't be a good parent and this is nature's way of telling me that.
Thankfully these thoughts don't consume me all the time. It's just the very raw moments.
Please, pretty please universe... We've put in the time. Please let all this thick fog be worth it.
Just wanted to pop in and say...I am listening...I too wish the universe would cough out a favor for you too. Enough's enough. I know I would have thrown in the towel long time ago if I was you...but that's because I am not as strong as you. Whatever fate has in store for you, I hope it's all you have wished for and then some. Hugs Patience...
ReplyDeleteThank you Lisa... I am so grateful for your support.
DeleteYou have most definitely put in your time and while it is PC to say there isn't a pain Olympics...well...there is many ways. There's no denying it's harder to fail multiple ivfs and fail at the top clinic vs going thru one or two treatments and succeeding. The thing is you are still fighting....and I wish it weren't such a damn hard battle. Dont shoot me for tossing this out there but did you guys ever consider international adoption? There's no waiting to be chosen...you just progress down a list. That made it much more manageable for us...the wait was still long but we knew there would be an end. Anyway I know putting more money towards this is the last thing you want to do...
ReplyDeleteHugs...it's all I've got.
MTL- Thank you for always being there for me with words I need to hear. We did look into international adoption. From what limited research I've done, it didn't feel "right" for us. But I have started revisiting the idea. I'll be sending you an email very soon. :)
DeleteSo sorry to hear about all that you're going through. Glad to hear the fog is lifting.
ReplyDeleteCan you email me about a potential advertising opportunity (again).
Regards, Sarah
swak50 at hotmail dot com
I don't think you had a pity party, I think it is just natural to embrace all the pain and deferred hope that you have experienced. I am so sorry that this journey has been so long for you but I am confident that when the time comes you will make wonderful parents. Thinking of you x
ReplyDeleteThank you Chrissie...
DeleteI hope the universe finally comes to it's senses and gives you some positive news for once!
ReplyDeleteI hate that term "pity party" sometimes. You've been through hell and back and you have every right to scream, weep, shake your fists at the heavens and kick anything in sight. I am sorry you've had so much suffering. You're in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteThank you for bringing a smile to my face with your comment.
DeleteAh Patience - this is all so, so hard. And you've been bearing up under it for such a long time. Of COURSE you're more than tired of this and ready to move on. You've had an especially long and hard time of this. I don't have any answers, still being in the trenches myself, except to say that I'm rooting for you and thinking of you and hoping you get out the other side as quickly as is humanly possible. 12 years is TOO LONG!
ReplyDeleteMo
Thank you MO- keeping everything crossed for you!
Delete"I am tired of wondering if I will ever be able to be a full grown-up. (I've always felt that I won't really be a grown up until I earn the title of mom)"
ReplyDeleteI have felt the same way for the past 8 years, and like you I'm tired of fighting, and of the struggle to become a mom. It doesn't seem fair at all. I can totally identify with you on everything that you just posted. So I can say with all honesty that I understand where you are.
I'm glad to see that a bit of the fog is lifting. (((HUGS)))
Thank you for reminding me I am not alone. Hoping that we both earn the title of mom very soon!
Delete((hugs)) I'm glad you're feeling a little better. I'm so sorry you've been through so much.
ReplyDeleteThank you. Sending hugs right back to you.
Delete"I am tired of watching my husband play with other people's children and feeling the ache in my heart knowing that I can't give him that. I am tired of feeling jealous of other people and their pregnancies- even those that are hard fought for. I am tired of wondering if there is a reason I haven't become a mom..."
ReplyDeleteI know these feelings. We have not been trying near as long as you guys have or even done as many treatments. But these raw feelings are something that shatters my heart every time I think about not having children yet. My husband is being deployed again and we have spent the last year and a half since he has been back from his last deployment trying to bring a miracle into the world with treatments. Before that we had been trying on our own for 2 years. Now, I have to wait another year to even do ANYTHING that has to do with getting pregnant. I am lost and confused and I just don't know how my life is going to be for the next year without my husband home and with empty arms and nothing really to look forward to besides his homecoming. I'll be praying for you. No matter how long you have been waiting, I totally get where you're coming from. I'm glad you're starting to get out of the fog, though. Good luck to you!
I have so much admiration for military wives. I can't even imagine the added stress of deployment when dealing with IF. My heart goes out to you. Thank you for reminding me I am not alone.
DeleteThere aint no rhyme or reason why these things happen, just the worst of luck that it happened to you. Or so I believe. I truly hope you can retire soon and be able to call yourselves parents.
ReplyDelete