I've spent the last week reading all three books of The Hunger Games trilogy. This is a young adult series that is all the rage with the middle/high school set as well as adults. I have a few kids attempting to read the first one, so I decided to read it over break. I quickly finished it and had to get the next two. Needless to say, the books have a way of pulling you in.
I don't want to give too much away in case you want to read them (or see the movie, I hear that there is one in the works) but I will give you the main concept of the first book. Two children from each district are chosen to fight in the annual Hunger Games where they have to face crazy challenges and eventually fight to the death. The last one standing is the victor. In the end, being the victor isn't all it's made up to be. But the victor is a survivor. The victor is forever changed from the experience.
Lately, I've been feeling like that victor. The last one standing. However, it's not that everyone else has died, but has gone on to become parents. They've gotten out of the games. We've all endured the challenges that years of infertility brings. They may not include poisonous gas or bees that cause hallucinations, but the lasting scars can be just as deep. While the other have gotten out of the games, I know that they are forever changed from the process.
I've had some moments of sadness over the past few days realizing that I may very well be the last one standing once again. My heart is full of joy for those who have found their way out. I am trying hard to find hope in their successes, knowing that means that it could happen for me. We've started our new journey and I am trying to be oh so hopeful that our day will come. I just need to change my strategy.
With adoption, there are things in my control, things I can be doing. I am feeling rather overwhelmed right now. We also need to wait until Chris gets his coaching check in order to make any decisions that also require money. It's frustrating once again to be stuck because of finances. It's only temporary, of course. But I want to move forward more than anything. So for now, I will do what I can and take care of the things that aren't out of my control.
For those of you reading who have made their way out, please know that I am truly THRILLED for you! I debated about this post, but know that I created this blog as a way to work out my feelings. I don't really have anyone in my "real" life who gets it like all of you. Please know this isn't a "poor me" post, but just my feelings at this time.
I know those feelings well. Sorry things are moven't along faster with the adoption.
ReplyDeleteI know where you are coming from and yet I also know I'm one of the lucky ones who is finding my way out. I honestly hope that you are right behind me and that you, too, feel the amazing fullness from adoption that I am just starting to glimpse. Hugs a million times over.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you. I can imagine how it must feel to be passed by many people. I felt that way on The.Bump, so I quit posting there. I hope that your happy news is not far away.
ReplyDeleteI can relate completely. I just discussed this same thing with a friend. I gave the analogy of "Oh The Places You'll Go" where in the end, almost everyone has their balloon and is drifting off in the sky...while your still stuck on the ground. I am in the same boat. I wish there was something I could say to make it better but I can't. I also can relate to being happy for everyone else who has gotten out of the hell hole that IF creates. You are happy, but of course, we wish it happened for us, too. You wouldn't be normal if you didn't have these feelings. I just hope that in a few months or a year or so, you look back at this post and can say that you made it out alive..and are very happy! :)
ReplyDeleteI relate to your feelings, as well. I don't know if you have followed my story or not but I was in a group with 7 other bloggers who had FETs in Sept. We were praying for a 100% success rate. I was the only one in the group who did not get pregnant. Talk about feeling left out! However, I do realize that everyone's journey is different and that God has an amazing plan for me as well. The waiting is the hardest part but my faith has grown so much during the waiting. Praying for your journey!
ReplyDeleteI also relate to your feelings Patience. I can vividly remember feeling the same way many times, even to the point where I wouldn't start threads on IVFC anymore because every time I did, I was always the one left behind.
ReplyDeleteI didn't take any offense whatsoever at your post - everything you feel is totally normal. And just tonight at dinner DH and I were talking about several of you guys, my online friends who are still struggling. I said, you know they are still out there in the trenches and it's just not fair. He said he agreed - it was like we had been airlifted out and can't quite get over the guilt of not being able to bring you all with us. But I know there will be another airlift coming. I hope that doesn't sound crass or callous. I just wanted you know know that I still keep you in my thoughts and wish for you to find your happy ending.
{{{Patience}}}, I totally understand how you're feeling. I'm overjoyed that our wonderful friends are finding their way out of the trenches as Cassie so aptly described infertility, but it is a little lonely and, in a way, scary to be one of the stragglers still left behind. I know our day is coming soon!
ReplyDeleteHugs,
T.
I'm not sure how you could not have those feelings, dear woman. You have been through so much and all you are asking for is a little baby in your arms. Is that too much to ask? No. No it isn't. I so deeply hope that this little baby, through the mysterious forces of the universe, is making his or her way to you and your husband.
ReplyDeletehere from the blog roundup...and wow, what a powerful post.
ReplyDeleteI was one of the last of my IF board to get PG...and I felt like this, that is was my medal of courage or something. That I had really "weathered" something..although my heart breaks that you have to.
Much love and luck to you...stay strong, stay hopeful..I will too..for you.
I am right there with you. I am the like the "Last Mohican" and feel like an endangered species. All of friends and family are having babies (or have already had them) and I somehow got left behind.
ReplyDeleteI'm a new reader from The Stirrup Queen's list. I hope to become a follower, since I'm an infertile scrapbooker, too.
I understand your feeling. After a few failed IVF's, I feel like my DH and I are finally making "baby steps" progress by starting the adoption process.
ReplyDeleteHere's to making our way out the IF trenches. Sending {{ hugs }}.
I'm here from Friday Night Roundup over at Stirrup Queens. I totally understand your feelings. Your post brought it all back to me, even though I graduated out of the trenches years ago. I was on the RESOLVE bulletin board, and I was there so long that I saw people come, get pregnant, leave, and come back and get pregnant with their second. I was always over the moon ecstatic when someone graduated and became a parent, either by pregnancy or adoption. It was the dewy eyed newbies that I came to distrust. They were so full of hope and anticipation, and I had run out of both. I hope that this year brings your long wait to an end.
ReplyDeleteGoing on year 8 I totally 100% get this. We r too...The last ones standing. People have graduated high school, college and gotten married then procreating in the length of time we've been trying.Not that I'm keeping track or anything!!!! I struggle internally greatly as we simply can't afford the treatments needed. That alone sucks. Its like we weren't given a chance. I have to cope with this first before deciding our next step. So, we've been stuck for years.
ReplyDelete